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I work at a small nonprofit of about 20 people, most of whom are under age 35. Our president is a big personality and often tries to treat employees as friends, whether they like it or not. She makes jokes that are highly inappropriate and she bullies our more timid employees. Last week she took things to a whole new level. In an attempt to scare a female employee who’s been the victim of some of her bullying, she snuck up behind her and planned to give the employee a soft tug on her skirt. What actually happened was that the employee's skirt came off her waist and exposed her underwear. Immediately afterward the president repeatedly told the depantsed employee "not to tell anyone." The employee did go to speak to a high-ranking executive officer about this and the bullying. Later that day the executive went into the president's office and, leaving the door open so we could all hear, casually brought it up. The president has profusely apologized to the employee, but as far as anyone can tell she has received no disciplinary action. Would it be wrong to tattle about something that didn't happen to me? Or should I just butt out of what is not my business?
—Caught With My Pants Down at Work
You say the president is a big personality, but she could more accurately be described as a big personality disorder. Someone who strips her subordinates—even accidentally while trying to simply intimidate them—should be stripped of her duties. Perhaps your boss, because she works for a philanthropic organization, suffers from the kind of moral hypocrisy described here—she thinks she’s making the world a better place, so that allows her to behave horribly while doing it. More likely, she’s just the latest entry in the series of letters I’ll title: How Did That Nut Get That Job? What happened to your emotionally battered colleague is not a singular transgression—your boss is a walking human-resources violation. I have the strong suspicion that inappropriate jokes, bullying, and disrobing of subordinates violates the company manual and her terms of employment. Everyone who works there is affected by the boss’s unprofessionalism, so speak up! But given that these are desperate times, it’s likely you will want to make your observations known in an anonymous letter. Describe the many misbehaviors of your boss, including the skirt caper, in a dispassionate, factual way. Say that the president’s misconduct is undermining morale, violating the organization’s mission, and potentially creating grounds for a lawsuit. Send a copy to all the top executives and the members of the board. If your boss isn’t then either reformed or gone, get your own résumé out there.
My husband and I have been married 30 years. We have two wonderful grown children. After the birth of our daughter, my husband revealed to me that he enjoys wearing bras and panties. I was surprised and not sure how to handle it. I decided to accept him as he was because I loved him. As the years went by I found this part of him to be a complete turn-off. But he’s a great father, and because of the children, I stayed. I still love him but have no sexual attraction to him anymore. Recently we went on a vacation together and he asked to come with me to get a pedicure. He received bright red polish on his toes. When friends and relatives inquired what was up with the red polish, I was shocked that he was surprised people made a fuss. If he’s going to increase his cross-gender desires as we age, I wonder if I can live with him for the rest of our lives. What should I do?
Surely your husband is being disingenuous about the reaction to his manly pedi. I never thought I’d see the day when ballerina-style man buns would be a fashion trend (and please, Lord, make it stop). But surely a husband and father deep into middle-age knows that showing off his ruby twinkle-toes is going to get a reaction. Obviously, I don’t know either your husband’s fashion plans or your limits. That means the two of you need to have the kind of blunt, “What do we each want out of life?” discussion you both seem to have put off for decades. You’ve moved into a companionate, sexless marriage. Perhaps that’s OK with you, and keeping your family intact for future grandchildren is worth it. Or perhaps you feel that your sacrifice has been too great and you don’t want to just drift into an old age of shared lingerie. Your letter is also eloquent countertestimony to those who say loving partners should try to accommodate each other’s sexual kinks. Sure, that’s ideal. But it’s simply a fact that the partner without the fetish might find the other’s a libido-killer, as in your case. It was dishonest, even cruel, for your husband to withhold the revelation that he’d literally like to get into your drawers until the birth of your child. It’s unfair of him now to decide to begin the process of coming out by sporting red tootsies without discussing with you the level of disclosure you’re comfortable with. You two should explore all your options, from keeping the status quo, to trying an open marriage, to dissolution. But until you jointly decide which path to take, he should be walking it in covered-toe shoes.
My husband and I are planning a vacation to Hawaii. One of my friends has been feeling very lonely since she broke up with her boyfriend, and I've been spending a lot of time with her to be supportive. She recently informed me she's coming to Hawaii at the same time we’re going to be there and is staying at the same hotel! She’s very excited about the vacation and wants to know exactly what activities my husband and I are planning, presumably so she can come along with us. I'm really annoyed because this is supposed to be a chance for my husband and me to spend some quality time together. I've been dropping a lot of hints about how busy we will be, and how we won't have time to spend with her. I’m also emphasizing how much things are going to cost. (My friend is strapped for cash.) However, she's not getting the message and she's already made hotel and plane reservations! What should I do?
—Three's a Crowd