Prudie counsels a reader whose friend is set to wed a cruel woman—and other advice-seekers.

Q. Dreading Wedding Bells: One of my close friends just announced his engagement to a woman he's been dating for a few years. We're happy for him, but many of us can't shake the feeling that he's making a mistake. In essence, the woman makes fun of him a lot in front of his friends, and not in a loving way. Our friend often looks uncomfortable when this is happening but says afterward he's very happy with the relationship. She talked for several minutes about how he always gets her the wrong presents (including the engagement ring), makes fun of his clothes, etc. The couple lives in Chicago while the rest of us are on the Eastern Seaboard, so none of us has spent a tremendous amount of time with them. (They stayed with me for two nights last week, the first time I had met her.) My question is, should someone say something to our friend? He says he's really happy, and nobody wants to ruin that for him, but some of us worry that this marriage is doomed from the start. On the other hand, nobody wants to be the friend forever marked as the one who tried to kill off the relationship. What do you advise?

A: Think of what happens if you don't say something. Because he lives in another city, every time you see him, it will probably be with her. Then after spending the evening listening to her put-downs and insults, you will eventually feel, "I love him, but I can't stand her, and I'm not sure I can spend time with them as a couple." I'm a big advocate of teasing—but it has to be mutual, fun, and good natured. This sounds one-sided and nasty. It's odd when someone you like picks someone for a partner who seems so unsuitable, so unlikable. But I think one of you has to speak up—gently—and express your concerns. You can say you know he is very happy with her, but after the last get-together, you were left feeling very uncomfortable with the way she treated him. Say you know you are stepping into dangerous territory by saying this, but you care for him too much not to point it out. Maybe he'll reassure you he finds her remarks hilarious. Maybe you'll have touched such a sensitive nerve, and he cuts you off. But I think your friendship is worth the risk.

Dear Prudence: Help! I'm Scared of Getting Herpes.

Q. Marriage Falling Apart: A few months ago, my husband raped me in the middle of the night. He was asleep during the attack, and he believes that it is a disorder called sexsomnia. Obviously the rape has me questioning whether or not I want to stay married to him. I feel like I will never be able to get over this and I will live in constant fear for the rest of my life. I have done some research, and it only scares me further. I have decided to not have children with him because I would knowingly be endangering them. He also has vivid nightmares that often end up with him thrashing around the house. He is taking medication and is in therapy, but I do not believe that I will ever trust that he is cured. To make matters worse, I have recently started having an affair, because I needed someone to take away all of the pain. I don't want to be an adulteress, but I don't want to be in a marriage where I am afraid to sleep in my own bed. I have tried to break things off with my husband, and he refuses to let go. He knows about the other man and thinks that we can still save what we have. I still care about my husband, and I want to honor the commitment I made to him, but when I look at him all I see is a monster. Is there any hope that I can fall in love with him again, or should I cut ties and move on?

A: To review: Your husband forced himself on you sexually while he was asleep. You don't feel safe sleeping in your own bed. You think of your husband as a "monster." For emotional comfort, you have started having wide-awake sex with someone else. You want out, but your husband won't "let go." And you don't know how to answer, "Can this marriage be saved?" It sounds like a nightmare for all concerned. Obviously, your husband has a serious sleep disturbance, and thank goodness he is seeking medical care. Comedian Mike Birbiglia has a similar disorder, which caused him to plunge out of a second-story hotel room in the middle of the night while asleep. He writes about it in his book, Sleepwalk With Me. His version is funny; yours is not. The most important point here is that you are physically, emotionally, and mentally out of the marriage except in a vestigial way. If you could accept that your husband's actions were not his fault and that treatment can control them, then—if you stopped cheating on him—you and he could possibly have a chance. That sounds like way too many "ifs." Especially since the thought of spending the night, let alone your life, with him has you lying awake gripping a baseball bat for protection. It sounds like your husband can never again be your dream lover, and you'd better get separate beds at separate domiciles.

Q. Signs?: If you have done whatever you can to get any kind of income and you haven't been able to find a stable job, do you take it as a sign that perhaps you're supposed to be unemployed? I'm at my wits' end, and this is how I'm thinking, more to save my sanity than anything else. What do you think?

A: No! I understand that people who find themselves in dire circumstances go through all sorts of mental tricks to explain the reasons for their situation. But what you're suggesting is self-defeating and counterproductive. You have to separate out two issues here: Are you just caught up in a disastrous economy which has thrown millions of skilled, productive people into unemployment; or do you do something to undermine yourself at work? To find the answer, check in with friends and co-workers and ask them to be honest and direct. What you hear may be encouraging, painful, or a combination of both. If you get yourself into jams at work, then you have to focus on fixing this. But if your situation is simply one that's larger than you, do not conclude unemployment is your destiny. That will only undermine your capacity to keep plugging away. Look for support groups for people in your area, or your industry, who are looking for work, or find other free employment counseling services. The human and psychological toll of this recession is enormous, but don't let it defeat you.

Q. Co-Worker Eating Off My Plate: I work in a small, close-knit office. There is one "boss" to speak of, but we all work mostly independently. Most of our staff have advanced college degrees. My problem occurs during lunchtime. There have been quite a few times that the "boss" reaches on my plate and takes some food. I don't mind sharing; I mind her hand in my food! Once she reached in an individual chip package and grabbed a handful of chips. We often put fruit or chips in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves, but it feels rude and intrusive when she puts her hand in my plate. I think it would hurt her feelings if I said something, but it really bugs me! Advice?

A: My letters indicate bosses hold a kind of elevated position in the office in which they feel free to clip their toenails during meetings; use subordinates as therapists, errand runners, and sex surrogates; and now use them as food vending machines. If you don't want someone grabbing your food, you need to say so. First of all, try to sit far away from "Mary" during lunch. Second, once she starts reaching, try to head her off and say, "If you want a bite of my food, let me put some on your plate." If she continues grabbing explain, "Mary, I don't mind sharing, but please tell me instead of just taking some. Thanks." Being the boss does not exempt people from basic standards of behavior.

Q. Talking About How I Talk: I am a professional and successful married woman in my mid-30s. After relocating due to my husband's job transfer, I landed a challenging and enjoyable position with an interesting company. That's not the problem. It's how I talk that is. I have a speech disorder, which worsens when I become nervous or stressed (spasmodic dysphonia, a neurological speech disorder shared by half a million people in this country). My speech is easily understandable, but it is odd. Those in my office have readily adapted and think nothing of it. However. My clients are a different story. I'm living in an area with little diversity, which may add to the problem. Whatever the case, what are my responsibilities in terms of alerting people to the fact that my odd speech is not a result of nervousness or shyness but the unique way I form words? Do I even mention it? Is it even their business? Speech disorders are rarely publicized and often ridiculed in films and on TV, so in one way, I see myself as an ambassador for change. On the other hand, I don't particularly want to be an ambassador; I just want to do my job. What is the best, most graceful way of handling situations when people mock how I speak, say they can't understand me, treat me as if I am less intelligent or worse yet, as if I am an emotional basket case. If one more person pats my back and tells me to "calm down," I fear I will scream.

A: You shouldn't have to explain, but it will be a relief to your clients, and probably yourself, if you do. What's surely happening now is that your dysphonia is all anybody hears and leaves people wondering, "What's wrong? Is she that nervous? Should I tell her to calm down?" etc. After you start a conversation or presentation with a new client, early on, in a casual, confident aside, explain that your voice may sound a little odd because of a minor neurological disorder which affects your vocal chords. Say that if they are ever unable to catch something you say, to please not hesitate to ask you to repeat yourself. By acknowledging this disorder, and not making it taboo, I'm sure you will ratchet down your anxiety and their discomfort, and leave your clients feeling both comfortable and impressed with your confidence.