Should I boycott my in-laws anniversary because my children were disinvited? Plus other questions of appropriateness.

Back of the Bus: If your husband's sister planned a "family dinner" at a nice restaurant to celebrate her parents' anniversary, would you assume that your children, the grandchildren of the celebrees, would be invited?

I, in my innocence, assumed that the progeny of myself and my husband, who share the same last name as my in-laws, were part of the family. Apparently, however, this is not the case, since I discovered yesterday, six days before the event, that not only has the reservation for this "family" event been made for 8:00 PM (bedtime), my children (ages two and five) were explicitly not included in the head count.

My husband swears he told me that we'd need to get a sitter, and he confirms that my SIL told him over the phone a few weeks ago that the kids weren't invited. But this is the first I've heard about it, even though I've talked face-to-face with my SIL about it on three separate prior occasions. My SIL has a long history of excluding my kids from family events, and my husband has even spoken gently with her about it.

I'm deeply offended that she explicitly excluded my kids this way. If she'd spoken to us about it and let us decide whether we wanted to bring the children, and we'd opted to get a sitter, I'd have no problem with it. But the fact that she decided that she didn't want the kids there with no regard for our opinion (or my mother-in-law's, for that matter) strikes me as incredibly selfish and deeply inconsiderate.

Am I wrong to be so upset? I am considering backing out of the dinner and staying home with the kids while my husband attends alone, but I don't want to hurt my mother- and father-in-law, because this really isn't their fault.

Emily Yoffe: If I had the opportunity to go to dinner at the nice restaurant, the last thing I'd want to do is to have to attend to my two small children throughout the meal, even if these "progeny" did share a surname with the "celebrees." Maybe your husband is playing gaslight on you and swearing he told you this was a no kids event, even though you have no memory of it. But maybe whenever he brings up family events involving your sister-in-law, you're unable to hear the details because the voice in your head starts repeating, "Hate her, hate her, hate her, hate her." Your sister-in-law may be a pill who dislikes kids, or is jealous that you have them. That's an issue for another day. On the day of the anniversary party, you give the babysitter your cell phone number, and go out and have a lovely evening celebrating the union of the people who made your own children possible.

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Second Tour: I am a US Soldier getting ready to come home from my second tour. Occasionally I get asked an infuriating question: "Did you kill anyone?" No, I have never killed anyone and hope to God I never have to. I am quite happy being a helicopter mechanic. Prudie, would you please get the word out that asking a service member if they have ever killed anyone is terribly inappropriate and just downright rude?

Emily Yoffe: I am happy to help you spread this word. When you get asked this question, please feel free for the sake of your fellow soldiers, to say that this is not a subject people in the armed services want to discuss casually, so you will decline to answer and you hope the questioner will respect the uniform enough not to ask it of others. And thank you for your service.

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Washington, DC: I'm 30 yrs old and for financial reasons still live at home (I was laid off and cannot rent without a job). A few days ago, a father figure in my life (in his early 60s and for whom I've never really cared) told me he wanted to see my boobs. Of course he told me not to "go telling everybody." I was sickened, surprised, speechless and disgusted and immediately called a close relative of mine crying. I have not mentioned it to my mother yet as I'm not sure what her reaction would be (although I dreamed last night that I told her and she did not believe me). How and when would be appropriate to mention it to her? We do not get to spend time alone as she is busy and both she and this man are always home (when she's not working). Should this close relative of mine be with me when I mention it to my mother? This is out of character for this person and I'm wondering if maybe he should see a doctor for a brain scan.

Needless to say, I no longer want to be at home alone with this person and am more resolved to find a job immediately so I can move out.

Please help -- I don't know how to handle this!

Thanks in advance,

Sickened and Disgusted

Emily Yoffe: The "father figure" should not be with you when you tell your mother. Get your mother alone and say a deeply disturbing thing happened recently -- then say exactly what he did. I think you should mention that this was so horrifying that you wonder if the "father figure" needs a neurological check up because he's never behaved this way before. Tell her that even before this happened, you were working to get on your feet financially and this has you redoubling your efforts. But in the meantime you would like her to speak with the "father figure" and tell him she knows and that it better never happen again.