How do I tell my long-lost siblings to get lost? They've dredged up painful memories.

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Dear Prudence,
I am the oldest of five children by four different fathers. My mother emotionally and physically abused all of us, but I received special attention. She told me how worthless I was and how much she hated me. When I was 12, my mother put the two youngest children up for adoption. I was placed in foster care and have had little contact with the family. I'm now happily married and have a successful career and caring friends. Through much introspection and the assistance of a good therapist, I have been at peace for many years—until recently. The two siblings who were placed for adoption found me a few months ago through a social-networking Web site. It turns out they have been in constant communication with my mother for several years. Neither of them recalls their early life, and I am hesitant to talk about it. I haven't heard much from the brother, but the sister calls frequently. She desperately wants us to be one big happy family. I have repeatedly told her that can't happen. Conversations with her leave me depressed, and I've started avoiding her calls. Childhood memories have resurfaced. I find myself caught up in that "worthless loop," and then I feel guilty for not being able to let bygones be bygones.  The siblings and I don't have anything in common besides blood. What do I owe them? How do I handle this?

—Not in the Family Way

Dear Not,
I often hear from people who've had a horrendous childhood like yours, grown up to make a successful life, decided for their psychological health to stop contact with their abusers, and now find themselves pressured by well-meaning family and friends to reconcile for purposes of forgiveness. Your letter is an excellent warning that being plunged back into the past by trying to "let bygones be bygones" can take a terrible toll. What you are experiencing sounds like post-traumatic stress disorder: the painful memories, the self-loathing and guilt, the depression. This is a perfectly natural response to disinterring something terrible. It's understandable, too, that your sister (or, as you call her, "the sister") is driven by her own deep need to redo her childhood. But her desire to reunite her family is making you miserable, and your needs trump hers. She's an innocent party, but you simply can't let someone with whom you have only a tenuous connection wear away your resilience. You had a start in life that would have crushed many people. But through your own hard work and self-insight, you made a life filled with love and satisfying work, and you must protect that. Tell your sister that you are glad to have gotten to know her and wish her all the best, but that you have your own family now and have no desire to be part of your birth family. You can apologize for sounding harsh, but explain that ending contact is vital to you for now. Then stand firm and don't feel guilty. If you're not currently in therapy, you might want to go back for a short tune-up to help sort out your current feelings and put your childhood back in its place.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have a more than 20-year age difference. We are very much in love and have a 4-year-old daughter. The problem is that my husband's friends' wives are very cold to me at social gatherings. Most of the women in the group are in their mid-40s, and I am not yet 30. My husband jokes frequently that his male friends think I'm "hot." I don't even consider myself pretty, but my husband insists that his friends are attracted to me, so I wonder whether that's the reason for their wives' cold detachment. But I don't dress provocatively, and the only words I exchange with the husbands are pleasantries. We recently had the whole group over for dinner, and children were invited. I spent most of my time tending to the kids and playing hostess. The wives, while polite, kept their distance. I often find that the best way to avoid their rejection is to take care of the children, but I'm lonely. Any advice?

—Left Out

Dear Left,
Your husband is no help integrating you with his friends if at every gathering he goes about humming, "My gal is red hot, your gal ain't doodly-squat." You mention twice that he says how attractive the other men find you, so he must get a charge out of encouraging this undercurrent. You should tell him that you'd appreciate it if he stopped. You say the women are polite but cool. Sure, they may resent a dewy new wife in their midst, but they could also be distant because you are so obviously uncomfortable with them. It's one thing if you look like the baby-sitter; it's another if you take on the role of baby-sitter and withdraw from adult company. So get out of the playroom and act as though you belong at the grown-ups' table. Also, you seem to be living in your husband's world. But as the young mother of a 4-year-old, you should be making connections with other parents your own age and inviting them over. Let your husband have his turn at socializing across the generations. It might be instructive for him to have to drop the role of the stud with the young wife, and instead deal with feeling like the grandpa in the room.

—Prudie