My closest confidant slept with my husband—should I confront her?

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Dear Prudence,
Last summer, my husband and I rented a house with another couple for two weeks. We've all been close friends for many years, and I considered the wife to be my best friend. Recently my husband confessed to having slept with her once during our vacation, after we'd all had too much to drink and the other husband and I had gone to sleep. He begged me not to reveal to my friend that he told me, since, of course, they had sworn themselves to secrecy. I have forgiven my husband for being stupid. I know that he loves me and has no intention of repeating what happened, but my feelings toward my friend are very ambivalent. If I can forgive my husband, I should also be able to forgive her, but this is difficult because I can't talk things out with her without giving away my husband. It's also very hard for me to maintain our formerly close friendship knowing about this breach of trust. Should I just try to forgive and forget, or spill the beans and possibly wreck a longtime four-way friendship?

—Ambivalent

Dear Ambivalent,
I admire that you are a forgiving and understanding person, but your best friend didn't forget your birthday; she slept with your husband! I accept this is a one-time event—a brew of booze, bathing suits, and balmy breezes—and there was no reason for your husband to confess except an inability to live with his guilt. Your husband's disclosure and promise that it won't happen again allowed you to forgive him. But you don't know if your friend shares your husband's shame, or if she thinks of their tryst as a secretly thrilling interlude. Since you've had no acknowledgement of wrongdoing from your friend, the burden falls on you to try to maintain the relationship as it was, and you're understandably finding it a heavy one. Your husband's confession was commendable, but it came with its own bit of manipulation: his plea that you not let your friend know he violated their pact. While he can ask you to keep the secret, you're free to decide what's best both for your marriage and yourself. Perhaps you'll want to inform your husband that you need to discuss this with your friend. You can tell her you know what happened and that you won't say anything to her husband, but you can no longer live with the pretense. It could be that over time, your pleasure in their company will outweigh the pain of the betrayal, but you shouldn't feel coerced into continuing the friendship because putting on a front makes it so much easier on the cheaters.

—Prudie

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Dear Prudence:
My wife and I have been married for a year and lived together before that. Even though she works full time, she cooks for us about four nights a week, which would be wonderful except that her cooking devastates my digestive system. So much so that the day after one of her meals, I spend roughly half of my workday in the men's room. I am a partner in a large law firm; taking meetings in the bathroom is not acceptable. I have tried getting her to stop cooking by saying it's not fair for her to have to come home from work and prepare a meal. But cooking is a hobby of hers. She loves cookbooks and always watches the Food Network. She says cooking is a release for her. How do I tell my wife that her continued cooking will eventually kill me, or get me fired, without hurting her feelings or disturbing our otherwise storybook marriage?

—Pepto Tussin, Esq.

Dear Pepto,
If this goes on, you could be inspired to write your own storybook: Men Are From Mars, My Wife's Cooking Is From Uranus. You say cooking is a release for your wife, but if her culinary efforts keep your release valve permanently open, something has to be done. Since you say your wife loves to watch the Food Network, she surely is a fan of Iron Chef, so I'm wondering if there is some secret ingredient she uses constantly that is the source of your distress. Maybe you can't take dairy products, or her food is too spicy. I'm also curious as to whether you actually get sick only following a dinner made by her. Since she cooks so frequently, it could be that you have some kind of disorder like irritable bowel syndrome, and while you're ascribing your symptoms to eating her food, you might just have a chronic condition that needs treating. Try keeping an evacuation diary and monitor what you eat and how it affects you. Also stop doing the two-step around this subject and simply tell your wife you're having a physical problem; surely she has a gut feeling that something's wrong. Instead of informing her she's killing you, explain that your bowels are in an uproar and you don't know whether it's linked to your home kitchen or has some other cause. Then make an appointment to see your doctor, who should help you figure out the bottom line.