I refuse to sit for a holiday portrait with my future in-laws. Isn't it time they let their kids grow up?

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Dear Prudence,
Every year my fiance's family takes a portrait together and mails it out as their holiday card. His parents included their new son-in-law when their daughter got married. This is the first holiday since my fiance and I got engaged, and they have already commented on needing a bigger lens to fit everyone in this year. However, I have no interest in being in their picture this year or any year. They sign the card "The Smiths," but I have no plans to change my name and don't feel this last name would be mine. I plan to decline to be in the photo since I have always looked forward to having my own family and sending our own pictures to family and friends. How can I gently say to my husband's family, "Time to cut the umbilical cord" and let your children start their own holiday family traditions? The thought of the upcoming family photo is making me sick and filling me with anger.

—Won't Say "Cheese"

Dear Won't,
It used to be said that when certain hunter-gatherer tribes were first exposed to photography, they believed that if a picture was taken of them, it would steal their soul. You're probably aware, however, that a photograph of you with your future in-laws will not forever capture your image and make it impossible for you to send a photograph of yourself for your own holiday card. Speaking of which, your fiance's family is going to conclude that you're quite the card when you tell them you're not going to be in their picture, you will never consider yourself to be part of the "Smith" family, and that you believe your future mother- and father-in-law are infantilizing their grown children. Everyone will be filled with seasonal joy that you'll be around for the holidays for the rest of their lives. There are two approaches you could take here. One would be to vent the rage you are feeling over your fiance's family wanting to include you in their tradition. That might solve everyone's long-term problem by making you a short-timer. (However, if your fiance hasn't figured out by now that you have some issues, he must have issues of his own.) Or you could spend some time figuring out why a gracious and inclusive gesture from your in-laws-to-be makes you act like a petulant baby and work on growing up yourself.

—Prudie

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Dear Prudence,
After raising my children alone, I found Mr. Right and got remarried. A few months after we were married, I found pictures of his stepdaughter from a previous marriage on his computer. He had always spoken of her as his daughter and said she thought of him as her father. These were nude pictures. When I questioned him, he said he did not take nude pictures but only modified them—just to see what she looked like naked. He explained that he did take pictures of her in lingerie on her wedding day and Photoshopped them to reflect her naked. This has been eating at me ever since. The bond between a parent and child is sacred, and I cannot understand the sexual pictures. I am afraid to have him around my daughters or granddaughter. Am I being paranoid?

—Bewildered Wife and Mom

Dear Bewildered,
When a letter starts with a wife sitting at her husband's computer, it's an inevitable cue for the staccato string music of Psycho. (I suppose the good news is that this image of the daughter-in-law won't be the family Christmas card.) Your husband's stated explanation for the photos may be true. If so, that means he was photographing his stepdaughter in her lingerie on her wedding day! If that's the case, the photos you saw don't just reflect his own private perversion, but show that his relationship with his stepdaughter has crossed so many lines that the two of them are tangled in a spool of yellow crime-scene tape. It's also possible he's lying about Photoshopping and that he has a cache of actual naked photos of her. Whatever really happened between them, you have just gotten an ugly look into the psyche of the man you married. I don't think you're being paranoid to worry about the safety of your daughters and granddaughter around him. But once you feel that way, it doesn't seem possible, or desirable, to continue in this marriage. Yes, it's a heavy blow to think you have finally found love, and find these photos instead. But at least you haven't invested years in this relationship—and I hope you've kept your financial investments separate. Someone who is afraid of her husband and is being eaten away by her knowledge about him is someone who needs to see a matrimonial attorney, ASAP.