My mom is dating my spouse's dad, and I'm miserable!

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Dear Prudence,
I am a married woman in my late 20s. My parents divorced a few years ago after 35 years of marriage. My husband's mother died around the same time. Recently, my mother and his father have started to see each other. They did not sit down with my husband and me before they started dating to discuss how this would affect us but have since said they would be open to talking about our issues. However, every time we bring something up, my mom gets defensive, my father-in-law gets mad, and they end up convinced that we are trying to sabotage their relationship. One thing is especially trying for me: My mother has started to attend my church with my father-in-law. I made it clear to my mother that her going bothered me. She said that she would continue to go as long as my father-in-law asked her to. I have also told my mom that if they marry, I would like her to keep her name so I can have my married name for myself. She asked if I wanted to bind her to this horrible last name forever. I can't continue to be miserable for the sake of their relationship, so how can I get her to listen to my point of view?

—I Just Want To Be Heard

Dear Just,
Think of the possibilities if your mother and father-in-law get married: You and your husband will be step-siblings, and you each will be the aunt and uncle of your own children! This reminds me of the novelty song "I'm My Own Grandpa." Sure, it is awkward to contemplate this turn of events, but although each of your parents has said they're open to discussing the complications inherent in this situation, it actually turns out they're not. They're especially not when you come to them with a list of restrictions that includes where they are allowed to worship and what name your mother may use. I don't understand your hostility to your mother attending your church. You may have noticed that often generations of one family sit together in the same pew. As confusing as your family situation may become, keep one thing in mind: They're your parents, not your children, and you don't get to tell them whom they can socialize with. I know of another family in which this exact thing happened. A widowed father and divorced mother met through their married kids and fell in love; the older couple ended up having a much happier marriage than the younger. One way to keep your own marriage happy would be to focus more on it, instead of concentrating on being "miserable" about your mother's relationship. And if your mother does become your mother-in-law, you can smile at the fact that God sometimes works not only in mysterious, but also amusing, ways.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence Video: No Check, Please

Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have a dispute that has been ongoing for years, ever since my hair started to turn gray. She would like me to dye it, and I do not want to. Recently she brought it up again, and the discussion grew more heated than usual. She says I would look sexier and not so old. (I am approaching 40.) My hair is dark, so I have a salt-and-pepper look, with about 20 percent salt (like George Clooney—enough said, right?). She would like me to try a new treatment that leaves some gray, so maybe I could just maintain my current level and not get any "worse." I don't object to hair-coloring in general (she has hers dyed), but I have no interest in coloring mine. I have explained to her that I would feel silly, fake, self-conscious, and almost embarrassed. She insists that she wants to know the "real" reason, because for any reason I give, she has a counterargument. I am, in any case, adamant that I won't color my hair. How can we resolve the conflict?

—Going Gray

Dear Going,
How can you resolve this? Maybe you can start leaving literature for your wife about breast lifts, liposuction, Botox, and other tweaks she can make in her appearance so that, as she approaches 40, she can look sexier and not so old. When people complain about the appearance of their spouse, most often it's because the spouse has put on poundage equivalent to a mule deer, not because the spouse resembles one of the best-looking movie stars of the day. I agree with you about men with dyed hair; they always seem a little bit silly. Tell your wife that there are some conflicts for which there is no compromise solution. Say you've heard her out, but this subject is closed, now and forever. You can add that as a sign of appreciation, in the years to come, you will not point out to her the many ways she's aged.