No Parents Allowed
Mom and Dad don't respect my privacy, and I'm almost 30!
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Dear Prudence,
I am a professional in my late 20s and purchased my own home a few years ago. I am also planning to get engaged to a wonderful woman soon. Due to increased work demands, I have gotten badly behind in my housework in recent months. My parents, who live nearby, decided to help by straightening out my house but didn't tell me their plans. They used the spare key I had given them and cleaned the house from top to bottom. Drawers and closets were rearranged and things were moved around—including contraceptives and literature on engagement rings. A personal item belonging to my girlfriend was apparently discarded. Granted, some much-needed repairs were done (blinds put up, a light fixture repaired, etc). But I was furious that my personal space and privacy were invaded. I called my parents and, in a very loud, profane, and mean-spirited rant, told them that they had no right to do what they did and that they were not welcome in my house. I know that I was wrong to lose my temper with my parents, and I want to apologize and restore our relationship. But I don't want to give them the impression that they have the right to come over and rummage through my things. My father is now convinced that my outburst was a sign of a mental-health problem and has demanded that I go to the doctor to discuss going on medication. Now my girlfriend thinks my parents are irrational and controlling, and is nervous that they will continue to do stuff like this after we are married. What can I do to straighten everything out?
—Clean House, Messy Relationships
Dear Clean,
There your parents were, whistling while they worked like a pair of Snow Whites, knowing that you would be stunned with pleasure at the transformation of your home from shambles to showplace. When you called, they were expecting to hear gratitude, but instead, Grumpy lays into them with an invective-laced diatribe. I'm not defending your parents—they grossly violated your privacy. There is a sanctity to anyone's home, and they were treating yours as if it were your teenage bedroom and they'd gotten sick of telling you to clean it up. You had a right to be furious about their "gift." But it's usually preferable to contain your anger before expressing your displeasure, especially when the recipients are your well-meaning parents, who are oblivious to the wrong they've done. So, go see them with a bouquet of flowers. Apologize for what you said and the way you said it. Then explain to them that while you appreciate their generosity—and how much better the house looks—it's your house, and you need them to respect your privacy and territory. Let's hope they forget the suggestion that you seek medical attention. If your father brings it up, laugh it off by saying you temporarily snapped because you missed your dust bunnies. If your parents get it, then you can reassure your girlfriend there won't be anymore break-ins. But if they don't, then change your locks.
—Prudie
Dear Prudie,
I am in my early 20s and have been in my first and only relationship with a great—perhaps perfect—man for more than two years. The problem isn't him, it's me. I have recently put my foot in the door of the modeling/acting business. This new career has given me the opportunity to meet so many interesting and beautiful people. I've twice been offered a flight to rendezvous with an industry person I had just met! I'm very upset to admit I have been tempted by these offers. I'm flattered that they find me attractive enough to drop some dough and give me a boost in the industry. I can't help but be intrigued by the possibility of new sexual encounters and a leg up in my field. I'm not interested in any emotional relationship because my boyfriend fills me to the brim with his unconditional love and affection. Since I'm inexperienced with relationships, is this just typical temptation that every woman must fight, or is this a warning sign that I'm not in my relationship as deeply as I thought?
—Fighting Temptation
Dear Fighting,
It's perfectly common for a young woman who's had only one relationship, and is just entering the wider world, to wonder what it's like to be involved with other people. It's less common for a young woman to be ecstatically happy in a relationship but think it may be a good idea to let guys fly her around so she can have sex with them. And it's really uncommon for a young woman to be able to convince her perfect boyfriend that flying around and having sex with other guys has nothing whatsoever to do with their relationship—it's just a career-building thing. (It's probably best to leave off your résumé, "Had lots of sex with Client No. 9.") Usually it turns out that beautiful, willing young women are a renewable resource for well-connected men, and that such men aren't actually that interested in making you the next Heidi Klum; they're just interested in making you. But if you do decide to give in to temptation, at least be decent enough to break up with your great guy before you get on the plane.
Photograph of Prudie by David Plotz.