Strangers are badgering me to breast-feed. How can I get them to stop?

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Dear Prudie,
I am a first-time mother to a beautiful 11-week-old boy. Right after having him, I was visited in my hospital room by a "lactation consultant." This person pulled out my chart without asking me and said, "I see you had a breast reduction done 10 years ago. That was extremely selfish of you." She then started in on why breast-feeding is the only way. I cried, thinking myself the worst mother in the world. (The breast reduction was a medical necessity.) I have been approached in the grocery store and other places by strangers demanding to know if I am breast-feeding. I have been yelled at by strangers when they see a bottle in my son's car seat. I am being bombarded by unwanted literature on breast-feeding by certain family members. I am simply unable to breast-feed, and my son is on the best formula. There are very few things worse than being made to feel like you are a bad parent, when in reality my son is thriving. What should I say?

—Fed Up Mom

Dear Fed Up,
It's hard to imagine a more vulnerable time in life than the day after you give birth. It's outrageous that this consultant came in and browbeat you to tears. Report her to your obstetrician and to the hospital where she works—she needs a refresher course in how to treat new mothers. Toss the literature from family members. If they ask why you're not breast-feeding, you can reply, "That's too personal to discuss" or "I don't want to get into the details, but I have a medical condition." As for strangers, it doesn't get much more intrusive than commenting on what a woman is choosing to do with her breasts. Strangers who approach you deserve nothing more than a cold stare. If you feel a response is needed, "Excuse me, but I'm busy with my baby" is as polite as you have to be. Keep in mind the bothering-you-about-breast-feeding phase will last only a few more months. Then the busybodies will come up with some new aspect of your child rearing that they will feel compelled to correct.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence Video: Clingy Neighbors

Hi Prudence,
After my eight-year marriage ended, I spent some time alone, followed by a series of dates with men who looked great on paper (well-educated, same tastes in books, music, art, etc.) but who were boorish, socially awkward, or downright boring in person. Now comes Mr. (Quite Possibly) Right, whom I've been seeing for nearly a year—a guy who is kind, appreciative, a great listener, and a fabulous lover. My only persistent qualm is that, with him, I miss the caliber of intellectual engagement I enjoyed so much with my ex. Mr. (QP) R is open to attending the museums and performances that interest me, but it's clear that I can't expect any new insights on these experiences from him, and that I'll always need to be the one seeking them out. I love my new beau and don't want to undervalue his many excellent qualities, but as we reach the one-year mark, I do worry I'll grow restless in a relationship that doesn't stimulate me intellectually. Am I focusing too much on a minor deficit, or does this sound like trouble waiting to happen?

—One Nagging Doubt

Dear Nagging Doubt,
I'd have a different answer if you wrote that you had met a man who's kind, appreciative, a great listener, and a brilliant cultural critic—but a total dud in bed. Obviously you and your former husband could talk about the latest Tom Stoppard until the wee hours, but that didn't keep the whole relationship from turning sour. You don't say your new guy is unintelligent, just that he's not interested in the same artistic pursuits you are. So what? If you want some lively discussion about a play or museum exhibit, invite another couple along to talk about it afterward over dinner. Or go to a show with a friend who shares your zeal. Probably your beau could write to me that you and he click in so many ways, but all his previous loves have been fabulous skiers and accomplished birdwatchers, and he wonders if over the long term he will be dissatisfied settling down with someone who never will match their skills at these pursuits. Wouldn't you want to say, "Don't throw away what we have because of skiing!"? But if you want to begin your search again to find that so-far-undiscovered person who suits you in every way, it sounds as if a less picky woman will quickly find that Mr. (QP) R is perfect.