Advice on manners and morals.

Advice on manners and morals.
Aug. 31 2006 7:28 AM

You Can Leave Your Hat Off

Should we do business with someone who advertises his right-wing beliefs?

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Dear Prudie,
My partner and I are having our condominium remodeled. We have worked well with one company and asked them to bid a second phase of the job. The person who showed up to bid the job wore a cap with an angry bald eagle on the front with multiple American flags sewn onto the rest of the cap. When I was obviously startled at the hat, he acknowledged, "Guess I should have worn my company hat." I replied, "I would be more comfortable if you had because I can't support much of what the country is doing right now." This led to his reply, "Just so we all support America." My partner and I are gay and feel assaulted by the right wing. We are also horrified by the war in Iraq and so many other issues that our patriotism is very low. That hat was a sickening reminder of my childhood in rural America. I feel that perhaps my money should be spent in a more socially conscious fashion, but I don't relish starting my own campaign of reverse discrimination. Am I making too much of this incident? The company has done a good job for us so far.

—Uneasy Remodeler

Dear Uneasy,
When did an American flag come to mean, "I want to assault gay people"? You know nothing about this man's views except that he feels patriotic. Since you are the one who provoked the discussion, do you really want to require that the person building your breakfast nook pass your political litmus test? (And yes, if I were to get a letter saying, "I went to a potential construction job this morning and the owners of the condo were obviously gay. I think homosexuality is abnormal and I hate the idea of gay marriage. I don't know whether I should go ahead and submit a bid," I would find that letter just as objectionable.) We are lucky to live in a society in which one doesn't have to belong to a government-sanctioned party or avow a list of beliefs in order to make a living. I know too many people who say they could never be friends with people who have different political views from theirs, and that's unfortunate. But the economy will crash if every service person is required to agree with their client's worldview. Do you know how lucky you are to find a remodeling company that does a good job? Let the guy with the American flag cap get to work.

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—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
My 11-year-old daughter is at the start of soccer season. The girls have voted for a team name to go with the team colors of black and red. One girl came up with the "Evil Angels"; other girls suggested "the Hot Tamales," or the "Red Hot Chili Peppers." "Evil Angels" was the winner (barely). I was not present when the vote was cast, but when one of the dads and another mom protested that name, the coach insisted that the girls be allowed to pick without any interference from the parents. I asked my daughter about the team name and she didn't like it, either. Although I am not religious, the word evil conjures up things to me such as terrorism, child molesters, etc. I can't stand the thought of these 11-year-old girls being branded with such an adjective for the entire soccer season. We will be cheering the name at the games for the next 10 weeks, as well as having it printed on a banner. We have just enough time to change the name before the season starts. Should I contact the coach or the soccer organization? Pull my daughter from the team? Or maybe I'm just overreacting.

—Worried Mom

Dear Worried,
At least they aren't calling themselves "Ahmadinejad's Angels" or the "Axis of Evil." I do agree with you that the name is unpleasantly provocative. As for the girls being able to make their own decision—they're 11! Their parents are supposed to interfere with them. Since you have time to try to get a new name, why not send an e-mail to the parents and the coach. Say that while you agree with the coach's idea that the girls name themselves, explain that Evil Angels makes you uncomfortable and could be potentially offensive to some people. Since the girls already came up with some good alternatives, suggest that they choose one of the runner-up names. If the other parents don't go for this, or the coach insists on Evil Angels, then it's not worth pulling your daughter from the team. And maybe the name Evil Angels will bring on so much evil eye, they'll be happy to rename themselves next season. 

—Prudie

Dear Prudie,
I recently met a man at an out-of-state work function. Within three days we realized we had a strong connection. We even slept in each other's arms, although we did not have sex. The problem is that he's in the West and I'm in the East. We both don't want to let whatever it is we have—friendship? romance?—go. I know there's no guarantee of ending up together, and I'm afraid of giving out too much of myself, then being resentful. What are the rules for long-distance relationships? Should he come here first and show commitment or should I be brave and take a trip out there? If I go, do I just say, "I want to see you this weekend," or should I wait for him to ask if I can come see him? If he asks, does he pay? If I ask, do I pay? I don't expect a free trip, I just don't want to mess up.

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