How can we stop our teenage son from sleeping at his girlfriend's house?

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Dear Prudence,
What do you do when values clash? I know it's up to my husband and me to set the standards in our house, and we always have, but we now have a problem. Our teenage son (17) has started going out with his first girlfriend. He badgers us to let her stay overnight in our house, but we've said no and explained that as long as he is in high school, we don't approve of having him bring home girlfriends overnight. There were a few tantrums in which we were accused of "living in the 19^th century" and then a long period of the silent treatment. Meanwhile, he has found a way around the problem. His girlfriend's parents offer to let him stay with them overnight, anytime. We feel they are encouraging our son to disregard the values in our family—something he is very happy to do—and are very upset about their interference. I think we should approach the girlfriend's family about it, but my husband is against that.

—Old-Fashioned

Dear Old,
Some parents feel that as long as behavior they don't entirely approve of is taking place under their roof—underage drinking, taping sessions of Girls Gone Wild—they are in control of it. But these two teenagers are minors, and you have an obligation to set the standards for your son's behavior. He makes quite a case for his maturity: He throws a tantrum, then pouts. As for you, what's the point of having old-fashioned values if you're not going to enforce them? You need to have a talk with the girl's parents. Don't be either defensive or self-righteous; just say your son is not allowed to sleep at their house. Yes, your son will be angry, but what you are doing is not just for now, but for when he is a parent and can draw on the lessons you taught him about standing firm. However, since it is obvious your son has become sexually active, you must have a blunt discussion with him about the necessity of always using birth control. You certainly don't want him to start using your valuable parenting lessons in his senior year of high school.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
I am a 27-year-old graduate student who has been dating my boyfriend for about five years. Last year, he took a job across the country and asked me to move with him. Fast forward to a year later, we now live together in a beautiful area on the West Coast and everything is perfect, right? I never thought I'd become a cliché, but I want to get married! He says the timing's not right, he doesn't have enough money saved (which is true), and the list goes on and on. I brought up marriage again at dinner last night and he again listed his reasons why not. He says he wants to get married one day, but not until he's settled down and stable in his career (he just graduated last year). I say life is never going to be "settled down," so why wait? Should I push the issue or just shut up about it?

—Signed, Not Marriage Material?

Dear Not,
Living together can be the dress rehearsal a couple needs to decide whether to continue on to marriage, but it can also be a humiliating limbo if one of you is ready to commit and the other one likes keeping things uncertain. You hate the fact that you've become a cliché, but here you are, the longtime girlfriend in a pseudo-marriage who can't get to the real thing. Just how you envisioned the immediate future is something you two should have been clearer about before you moved across the country and set up housekeeping; you each make a fine case for why marriage does and doesn't make sense right now. The question is not should you keep nagging or should you silently seethe? It's: How do you regain control of your own life? I don't think you need to break up, but I do think you need to move out. Don't do it as punishment and don't do it as a tactic to provoke a proposal. Do it so you can get this relationship back to a place where you feel like equals and not someone who is constantly hoping this is the day your boyfriend pops the question. Tell him that you don't want to be the kind of person who is browbeating the man she loves into marrying her. Explain you want to take the relationship back a step in order to see if you both will ever want together to take it to the next step.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been married 50 years. We get along very well, except for his habit of putting me down with bad remarks when we're with family or friends. I have told him many times that I will not tolerate this, but it still persists. He never does this when it's just the two of us. I have suggested counseling, but neither of us wants to because we are of the "handle it yourself" generation. I usually say something back when he makes these degrading remarks, which may be part of the problem. He thinks that it's just joking, but when a family member tells me to "tell him to treat you better," I feel it's not my imagination. Both of us value marriage, but this is very troubling.