Helping a grandchild with behavioral problems.

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Dear Prudie,
I know most grandparents dote on their grandchildren and think they are perfect. Well, I have several of them and I have one granddaughter who appears to be seriously disturbed. I am a schoolteacher, so I am aware of what is normal for 5-year-olds and what is not, and her behavior is very far down on the Not scale. All of the grandparents are in agreement on this. My daughter appears to agree, but her husband is so overbearing and in denial that nothing much has been done to help this little girl before she started kindergarten this month. She is hyperactive and seems to have a behavior disorder as well. I have seen her slap her father in the face and throw food off the table if she didn't like it. They say they have her going to a counselor, but we don't know what sort of counselor and what qualifications this person has. Her preschool tried to tell her parents that there were problems, but they just got angry with the school. Her tantrums and acting out make me afraid that she is not going to be successful in "real" school. Is there anything we, as grandparents, can do to help our granddaughter get the right treatment before it is too late?

—Sad Grandma

Dear Sad,
The good news is that all the grandparents, as well as the child's mother, see that something is wrong and that professional help is called for. Perhaps the opening salvo should be along the lines of an intervention. Have a family meeting and essentially tell the dad you all wish the child only the best, you feel he is making excuses for her behavior, and you're all in agreement that professional help is necessary. Ask for the credentials of the counselor they are currently seeing and what the prognosis is. If the father is resistant, remind him of the preschool warning, and to get ready for the same from the new kindergarten. Try to convey that the mother and four grandparents could not have all come to the same conclusion without some basis in fact, and that emotional disturbance is nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck with a difficult situation.

—Prudie, hopefully

Dear Prudence,
I'm caught in an unfortunate situation. I have a dear friend who is married to a man both my husband and I loathe. And then to top it all off they have reproduced! I dislike children to begin with, so even the most adorable child fails to enchant me, but this has to be one of the ugliest babies I have ever seen. Now my dear friend, who lives several states away, not content with sending me 10 pictures a day with lengthy updates on the child, has decided to invite herself, the child, the husband, and for all I know their dogs out to visit my husband and me so we can see the baby! I have two dogs and two cats who have never been exposed to children, and a nonchildproof home. How do I politely decline the privilege of entertaining them, especially as I didn't issue the invitation in the first place? Help!

—K. H.

Dear K,
Since you didn't issue the invitation, write your friend back saying you'd love a visit with her, but regrettably you are not equipped for guests. Tell her of all the sights to see in your town (Prudie hopes there are some) and suggest some places to stay with reasonable rates. Do insist that she save a long lunch date for just you girls, as your husband is in the midst of a big project. If they do come and you are introduced to the baby, just say something like, "Boy, that is some baby!" That way you will not feel like a phony. With any luck, they won't come.

—Prudie, pragmatically

Pru,
I have a problem with my family and my ex-husband. My ex and I have been divorced for two years after being married for 10. It was a messy divorce and I was very glad to see him go. We had no children. When he left, he told me that he never wanted to see me or hear from me again. I'm fine with that ... but he still stays in contact with my family. I keep getting updates about him and his life from them and I know they're telling him about me. I really don't want to hear how he's doing and how wonderful his life is without me. I know he blames me for the marriage ending and the bad divorce. I know he thinks I'm a horrible person. And I've moved on with my life. I don't want these little updates about him. How do I get my privacy back? How can I make them stop telling me about him and (even better) stop talking to him? Thanks.