Help! My friend's husband is gay.

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Dear Prudence,
Twenty years ago a friend of mine married her childhood sweetheart, who was obviously, to all, gay. They came to NYC from the Midwest to work here. Even my 8-year-old knew something was amiss, no pun intended. I moved, lost touch. Recently saw her. Divorced. In her 50s. Never remarried. Bitter. Now I am seeing the same event transpire with a young friend. Everyone knows he's seeing men on the side when she's out of town on business. People have hinted and beaten around the bush about it, but they don't want to hurt her, so they don't tell her. She is a smart gal. They're getting married soon. Please help me understand why smart, beautiful, creative women marry men who are gay. She has never been tested for HIV and says she doesn't need to be because she and her fiance have been faithful for many years. Help! I am not going to her wedding because I can't pretend she is going to live happily ever after. I am not alone. What is she going to think when some of her friends don't show up? I desperately need some advice.

—Really Concerned

Dear Real,
Boycotting the nuptials doesn't solve anything. Attending a wedding is not a statement that you believe the couple will live happily ever after; it is to celebrate what the couple is feeling now. Your dilemma has several components, hence several answers. As to why desirable women marry gay men, sometimes there's a tremendous fondness and no particular interest in sex. Sometimes it's a stepping stone to something he has that she wants. Sometimes it's a cover for two gay people. And sometimes, as is your fear, the woman doesn't know. Your friend's circumstances sound as though her fiance is bisexual, since she says they are faithful to each other, ergo, they have a sexual relationship. While Prudie generally does not believe in blowing the whistle on people in romantic situations—because they are usually ignored—AIDS is a wild card. You can't worry about hurting her when AIDS could kill her. At the risk of being disinvited to the wedding (there's an irony for you) tell your young friend that there's quite a bit of talk about her gentleman seeing men on the side. Tell her you have no way of knowing that this is true. Tell her you believe it to be your responsibility, one friend to another, to suggest that both of them get AIDS tests. How she deals with this, or him, is not your business. You will have done all that is possible, and your conscience will be clear.

—Prudie, boldly

Dear Prudie,
I go to a college that borders a small town. I get my hair cut at a local "mom and pop" barbershop, which not only does an excellent job but makes me feel like I am supporting the community. The alternative is a nearby city mall and chain store. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I've been told by a friend that the barber who cuts my hair is, or was, a member of the KKK, a group that I naturally despise. Apparently, my friend overheard him talking about it to someone else. I trust him, but it is possible that he misheard. I would like to avoid a confrontation with the barber, which would be ugly, no matter what. Should I cease my business relationship?

—Neatly trimmed

Dear Neat,
Oh, my. Prudie would like to tell you there's another well-known group with the initials KKK, but there isn't one. Because you are questioning your friend's report of what he thinks he overheard, a nonconfrontational, anxiety-free way to determine things for yourself would be to casually bring up the subject of African-Americans and listen to what your barber has to say. That most likely will offer you a good idea of his feelings on the subject. You will never be able to know for a certainty, however, whether or not he dresses up in a sheet on weekends. Your instincts will have to lead you through this one.

—Prudie, probingly

Dear Prudence,
I am a young wife, married for three years. Since before our marriage, my in-laws have had the habit of sharing unsolicited advice. Recently this problem has become more significant. My husband and I decided to move across the country in order for me to pursue a graduate degree. My in-laws, upon hearing this news, decided that it was incumbent upon them to share with us their disagreement with this decision. Not only did they do this, but they polled other relatives and reported that the whole family was unanimously in agreement with them. I have not spoken to them since this happened. My poor husband has been trying to deal with the situation. My feeling is this: A married couple's decisions are not an appropriate subject for family debate. Since we have married, I have heard their opinions on all manner of our decisions. I am growing more concerned. I worry that in the future, when my husband and I decide to have children, buy a house, or make any of the numerous decisions couples make, I will have to hear my in-laws weigh in. What is a wife to do? Sometimes I think of divorcing my husband so that I can have my life back.

—Spitting nails