When marriage becomes unbearable.

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Dear Prudie,

I am a pastor, with 25-plus years of marriage under my belt. I don't love my wife. We have two wonderful children, both grown up and out on their own. The "why" of getting married is immaterial, but staying married has always been based upon the "for better or worse" part of the marriage covenant. We get along fine. We don't fight or argue. When I am not at the church, I am at home. We do all of the things a married couple does, except without the sex. She has never been a "turn-on," and that's my problem. She has a vulgar mouth. She has packed 75 pounds of flab onto her frame since our wedding. She is also, frankly, dumb, with no desire or ambition to learn anything. She isn't satisfied with our sexless relationship but has resigned herself to the fact of it. Neither of us has ever strayed into marital infidelity. What I yearn for is companionship that can be warm, intimate, cultured, and intellectually stimulating. With 20/20 hindsight, I know I could have done much better. I also know that my wife and I could never have brought finer children into the world. I am content to stay married, even if only for the legal benefits and to avoid the uncomfortable ramifications of a marriage that "failed." But I find myself casting my eye around lustfully. I know I would make a very comfortable divorcee, and yet I don't want to rationalize my actions by blaming her shortcomings, or by accentuating my needs. Rather, I need "prudent" advice.

—Ain't Broke, but Ain't Workin' Either

Dear Ain't,

You understand the situation quite well, so Prudie won't suggest you discuss this with your clergyman. Clearly you have outgrown your wife. The wild card is that this "dumb" woman with a sailor's mouth and 75 extra pounds was able to nurture fine children. Could it be that she is as unhappy as you  …  hence the 75 pounds? In any case, there is no reason two people should stay yoked together like two mules if the marriage is empty. Right now, you are like Jimmy Carter—with lust in your heart. The trick is not to become Jimmy Swaggart. What you must do, whether through prayer or therapy, is to divine (no pun intended) what is most important to you and then proceed honorably. Life is about choices. Good luck.

—Prudie, contemplatively

Dear Prudence,

I'm currently in a situation. I am 16 and live with my mom, and I want to move to my dad's, which is three hours from my mom's. She and I have never really been as close as my dad and I. Well, the problem is that I'm not quite sure how to tell my mom I want to move without hurting her too badly. My dad offered to tell her about it, but I didn't want her to hear it from him first, because that would probably make her feel worse. What to do?



—Daddy's Girl

Dear Dad,

Prudie believes a 16-year-old is old enough to know with whom she wants to live. The assumption is, of course, that your dad is not out-of-this-world permissive and a pushover. Also that he has a suitable lifestyle, i.e., no parade of babes or addiction problems, etc. You are correct that you should tell your mother, and instead of saying you'd rather live with your dad, why not tell her that you'd like to have the experience of a live-in dad for a while, and of course you will visit her. Then have your dad ask your mother if she has any particular house rules she would like him to follow. Good luck.

—Prudie, alternatively