What to do when racial ancestry is unclear.

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Dear Prudie,

A person doing a genealogy discovered that a great-great-great-grandmother is listed on the census roles as a black person married to a white person. A female descendant of the grandmother moved to another state and passed for white. She states there were rumors of black ancestry, but she didn't realize that they were directly in her line. Now she has grandchildren of her own. Her relationship with her children is rocky because 20 years ago, she left an abusive husband who's "brainwashed" their children that she is crazy, that she caused everything that was wrong in the marriage, etc. This is just to give you a little background. Here is the question: How do you tell 40-year-old children that they have black ancestry? They are all successful movers and shakers, finished college, married well—and we know for sure that one wife would divorce the son if she knew. Is there any way out of this dilemma, or should she just die with this knowledge?

—Wondering

Dear Won,

Prudie's connection with this subject is limited, so she has enlisted a good and smart friend who is a black woman. Her suggestion is that the woman follow her instinct. "If this were 19^th century New Orleans or Savannah," she says, "certainly your friend would go along with the zeitgeist of the time—which would be to say nothing and hope no one with an inexplicably deep tan showed up in baby pictures. The 21^st century offers more options. One could be direct and say that in reviewing the family tree, a few black relatives were found a couple of centuries ago. The only substantial reason for this kind of revelation would be that the children are at risk for some diseases, such as sickle cell anemia, that are peculiar to black populations. Such a diagnosis could throw a doctor for a loop if he or she didn't have that patient's full genetic history ... or as much of it as possible. Or ... say nothing if you think that is the right thing to do." Rather than a dramatic Imitation of Life moment, however, you may get a big yawn. A great-great-great-grandmother, after all, is a very distant relation, and if Essie Mae Washington-Williams isn't embarrassed to be the daughter of Strom Thurmond, why would these 40-year-olds be embarrassed by the situation in reverse?

—Prudie, multiculturally

Hi Prudie,

I'm 25 and have known a close pal for 10 years. My good friend always overstays her welcome when she sleeps over at my house. We don't see each other often as she lives an hour away. The day after sleeping at my place, she always hangs out in her PJs all day, even if I'm cleaning house, having a bath, on the phone, running errands, etc. Recently we both crashed at my boyfriend's place (whom she barely knows), and the next day she camped out on his couch for most of the day until I had to leave. Hints, subtle and obvious to most people, don't work. She just makes herself comfortable and has even ordered pizza at supper time. This has gone on for so long, I don't know how to kindly tell her she has to leave.

—Hiding My Welcome Mat

Dear Hide,

Oblivious friends are a drag, no? Your chum is apparently amortizing her one-hour trip by stretching out her stay as long as possible. Since you don't sound like a mi casa, su casa kinda girl, one approach might be to hustle her off the next morning, saying you unfortunately have things to do. Another would be to establish (better late than never) that when she comes to spend the night, it works better for you if the pajama party ends with breakfast.

—Prudie, hospitably

Dear Prudence,

I have been married for six years. About a year ago, my husband told me he was bisexual. I was floored, but I believe that divorce is a sin in God's eyes, so I have tried to stay in the marriage. This past week, he decided it would be best to let me know that he is gay. I reminded him that he had told me he was bisexual, and his comment was, no, he is completely gay and has known deep down since he was 13 but hadn't the nerve to admit it to himself. I am very hurt, confused, and angry that he did not choose to mention this "detail" before our marriage. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can live in a marriage knowing that my husband is attracted to men because I am afraid he will act upon his feelings—if he hasn't already. But I still love him despite this revelation. I respect your opinion and would like to hear your thoughts on this.