Advice on morals and manners.

Advice on morals and manners.

Advice on morals and manners.

Advice on manners and morals.
Dec. 5 2002 11:39 AM

Strip Clubs? Strippers? No "I Do" for You

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Get "Dear Prudence" delivered to your inbox each week; click hereto sign up.Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Dear Prudence,

I have a problem I cannot discuss with anyone and hope you can help. I am getting married in two months, and I am scared to death that my future hubby will have a bachelor party in which the guys go to certain "clubs" or they will have the entertainment brought in. I am normally not insecure, however ... my first husband ended up having sex with the entertainment at his bachelor party. I am driving myself crazy just thinking that it could happen again. I told my honey prior to our engagement that if we ever get married and he has a party, he'll be at the altar all by himself. Am I crazy? Am I irrational? I will follow whatever advice you give.

—Thanks for the help,

Uncertain

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Dear Un,

There is nothing that can spook a girl like a mate who has sex with the entertainment. In this case, however, with your intended husband-the-second well aware of your history with certain "clubs," it is Prudie's hunch that either a) there will be no bachelor party, or b) it will be at Chuck E. Cheese's. Try to communicate to him that you have the utmost faith in his judgment and his fidelity. And when the big day comes, mazel-ton, which of course means tons of luck.

—Prudie, matrimonially

Dear Prudie,

About a year ago, my sister-in-law told me she wasn't feeling well, and she just "knew" it was cancer. At that point, she didn't see any reason to go to the doctor because she already knew what was wrong. Within a week of that conversation, she claims she was diagnosed with cancer, given a prescription for medical marijuana, and began chemotherapy treatment. It has now been a year that she claims to continually be on chemotherapy. She will not allow anyone to take her to the doctor's office and refuses to "use" her prescription for marijuana; instead she has my brother buying it through drug dealers (because it's cheaper?). She hasn't lost any hair, and she hasn't lost any weight. (In fact she may have gained 10-15 pounds.) I've tried to talk to my brother about taking her to the doctor, but he just says, "This is something she wants to handle on her own." When I asked about the doctor bills, he said the "tribe" is paying for all her medical expenses. My dilemma is whether I should stick my nose into this any further. I have considered following her when she goes to a "chemotherapy treatment" and then reporting to my brother. I just feel this whole situation is ridiculous, but I don't want my brother to end up hating me.

—Want To Catch a Faker

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Dear Want,

This is a very odd scenario, not to mention medically far-fetched. People do not diagnose their own cancers and one week later tell you a doctor confirmed it and they've begun chemo ... which then lasts for a year. A likelier scenario is that your s-i-l decided she liked smoking pot and figured she could do it out in the open if it were for medicinal purposes—like bourbon for a snakebite. While marijuana is actually an effective anti-nausea agent for chemo, as you no doubt have read, very few states allow medical marijuana, so this girl telling you her husband scores it on the street so she doesn't have to "use" her prescription is beyond strange. (Besides the fact that she's making a lawbreaker out of him.) Cancer patients are not likely to gain weight, as you correctly guess. The situation you describe sounds more like she's getting the munchies after a "treatment." As for her "tribe" paying the medical bills, are we talking about a Native American here? Finally, regarding your brother, you are in no danger of his "hating you." I suspect you've mentioned your doubts about his wife's "illness," so he is either kidding you or himself about what sounds like a pot habit with a lame cover story.

—Prudie, stonily

Dear Prudence,

With the holidays fast approaching, we have a family dilemma that needs outside intervention. We are three sisters, all with families; two are married, one divorced with a live-in boyfriend of about 15 months. It has been our family tradition, in the past, to exchange names for Christmas presents. Last year the live-in was not included. This year, the sister with the live-in wants him "in the hat" for the drawing. One married sister says: "No, family only. When you get married, he's in the hat." The other married sister waffles on her opinion. Do you have an opinion?

—Answer, Please

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Dear Ans,

Prudie's opinion is that the "family only" sister ought to lighten up. Nowhere is it written that blood and presents necessarily go together. The sister with the live-in is certainly part of a couple. They did not meet last Thursday, so what's the big deal? There is a possibility that the sister who doesn't want the live-in to be "in the hat" may have a bee in her bonnet having to do with this sister. Just a thought.

—Prudie, cheerily

Dear Prudence,

I am recently single (within two years) after an 11-year marriage. I fell in love with a wonderful woman during the divorce; we have been seriously dating for over a year now. So what is the problem? We are separated by the geographical distance between us, as well as our very busy, hectic schedules. I have not felt fulfilled in the relationship for quite awhile and have seriously considered seeing other women who live closer to me and who have more compatible schedules. I don't know how to tell this woman that I want to end the relationship. I don't want to hurt her or her daughter (5 years old and very attached to me as a father figure). I know it's not honest to stay if I don't truly feel anything, but I haven't been able to be upfront and firm. Do you have any insight about my situation? I would be eternally grateful.

—Afraid of Confrontation

Dear Af,

Prudie hopes the signature on your letter is not the emotion that wins out in your deciding what to do. The saying "sooner rather than later" certainly applies here. You are kind not to want to hurt the woman, or disappoint her child, but you cannot sacrifice your feelings (and theirs, later on) just so you won't make a mess.

To figure out before there's a marriage that this is not the woman for you—and then act on it—is kinder, in the long run, than going through with something knowing your heart isn't in it. Prudie hopes you will gently tell this woman that, out of regard for her, you must end the relationship because you want her to have a mate who is totally committed to her ... and alas, this is not you.

—Prudie, compassionately