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Dear Prudence,

As an "out" homosexual at my church, I've received a great deal of support. I'm willing to wade through any trials and concerns over the feelings of close friends, but not those of simple associates. In short, people I don't know very well feel they have both the right and the duty to push me in the other direction. Is there a good way for me to inform these people that they have neither, without being overtly hostile? I'm tired of being prodded to see if I'm still gay or if I have considered what God thinks.

—Spiritually Fine, but Socially Irritated

Dear Spirit,

Isn't it amazing how ignorant and insensitive some people can be, not to mention pushy and presumptuous? Prudie is greatly offended by the ignoramuses and fundamentalist nuts who believe 1) sexuality is a "choice," and 2) it's up to them to set you straight, pardon the expression. Prudie further believes that people who are way out of line are not entitled to gentle responses. You have a few options, perhaps depending on your mood that day. If you're feeling flip, the answer to "Still gay?" might be, "You betcha!" If you just want to close them down, try: "Why on earth do you think I'd want to discuss such a personal subject?" Regarding the mention of God, a simple sentence about how you and He have a very comfortable relationship ought to stop that line of inquiry. Anyone who keeps going deserves to see your back as you walk away. A small P.S.: Perhaps checking around for a more gay-friendly congregation might solve these problems.

—Prudie, determinedly

Dear Prudence,

In 1996, one of my best friends was murdered. I was 18 at the time; he was 17. Soon after, I left for my college studies. I didn't get a chance to meet with his parents at the time, and I suppose a funeral was held in Canada, where they had recently settled. Months later, during Christmas break, I had a chance to see them, but I didn't. Being 18, I had never been in such a situation and had no idea what to say. Recently, I came across news reports of the murder trial, and it brought back the grief of losing my friend. A part of me wants to contact the parents and say something, but what do I say after five years? And what do I say about not contacting them earlier (though my parents did meet with them after I had departed for college)? On a related note, should I even risk opening up their wounds again?

—A. in a Quandary

Dear A.,

Prudie believes those kinds of wounds never really heal and that a note from you—even five years after the fact—would be much appreciated. It is not as though you will be reminding them of something about which they had forgotten. Just write that, at the time of the tragedy, you were so grief-stricken you felt unable to be in touch with them, but thinking about your friend, their son, recently, you felt impelled to write them and tell them how much you miss him still. Your note will probably mean more to them than you will ever know.

—Prudie, consolingly

Dear Prudence,

My very good friend is in an abusive relationship. Her husband is a very respectable college professor and professional lecturer. He enjoys fine things and is very intelligent. Unfortunately, he continues his lecturing at home. He treats his wife, a woman with a master's degree and a very good job, as if she were a stupid child. He treats his young son the same way, and this child appears to us to be afraid of his father. Although he has never raised his hand to anyone, this man continuously abuses his wife verbally, demanding an unreasonable perfection in all aspects of life and blaming her when he doesn't receive it. She has confided in me that she's afraid her son has been scarred for life by his father's treatment. Most of their other friends have discontinued their relationship due to the embarrassment of being around them. We have hung on because we love her, and him, too, in spite of it all. When she and I have discussed their getting counseling, she tells me he sees counseling as a tool for weak people who are not intelligent enough to solve their own problems. We have decided to continue to offer silent support. Can you suggest any other action that can help?