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Dear Prudence,

Last week I brought my car in for servicing, and while driving out of the parking lot in a loaner vehicle, I spotted my next-door neighbor parked in his car and otherwise engaged with a woman who is not his wife. Luckily, my neighbor (let's call him "John") did not see me, probably due to the different vehicle I was in and the fact that he appeared rather, um, "involved," if you catch my drift. Herein lies the problem. Had I been on my own, I would have kept my nose out of this situation. (I am friendly with his wife, but we are not close.) Unfortunately, I had my 4-1/2-year-old with me, and he immediately noticed my neighbor's distinctive vehicle and blurted out "Hey Mommy, look at 'John' kissing the lady in his car!" I tried to tell a little white lie and advised my son that it was just someone who looked like "John"—but he wasn't buying it. My child is in the same preschool class as my neighbor's daughter, and they play together all the time. My son is very chatty and inquisitive, and I know he is going to say something to either the husband, the wife, or the daughter. My son has a memory like a steel trap, so I know he won't just forget it ... and there is no way to keep him apart from his little friend short of moving (not likely). What do we do???

—Unwilling Witness

Dear Un,

We don't do anything. The only thing you can control is whether or not YOU say something to "John" or his wife. Prudie does not mean to seem hardhearted, but any guy who is necking in a car dealership parking lot with a lady not his wife deserves anything he gets. It is too bad that his young child may have to deal with this, but there is really nothing you can do to silence a 4-½-year-old. You did your best by suggesting that "John" had a doppelgänger. Prudie would advise you not to try to get your son off the subject because that is a sure-fire way to make John-and-the-lady topic A for a long, long time.

—Prudie, inactively

Dear Prudence,

I have two small children, ages 2 and 4, and my brother has four, ranging in age from 1 to 11. My parents are retired and drive several hours to visit all of us (my brother and I live in the same city) about once every month. Recently our parents were visiting and spent some time with all the grandkids. The experience was a disaster not only for me but, more importantly, for my niece and nephew. My parents are what is commonly called "type A." Their tendency to become anxious, impatient, and even enraged has not been tempered by a financially secure retirement and the freedom from most time pressures. Among other things, I heard them shout at my niece that she was "retarded" for allowing her younger sister to wander out of a staged photograph and yell at my nephew for being too "wimpy" to get the van's sliding door shut. I don't believe they're genuinely mean and nasty; I just think they somehow panic under pressure and blurt out their basest thoughts. They may not even remember it later. (My father, in fact, denied the whole van incident.) What can I do to protect my nieces and nephews—and my own children—from the damage to their self-esteem that these kinds of comments can cause? Should I refuse to leave my parents alone with their grandchildren? Should I speak in private with my niece and nephew to reassure them that they are neither "retarded" nor "wimpy" (or whatever the insult is that day)? Should I speak to my parents and tell them I won't accept such behavior and comments (and risk permanent estrangement)?

—Aghast at the Grandparents

Dear Ag,

Your instincts are very good. Prudie, in fact, likes all your ideas and suggests you implement each of them. Do not leave the kids alone with these thoughtless people so that if an out-of-line remark is spoken, you can deal with it on the spot. Do tell your niece and nephew that although their grandparents love them, they have bad tempers and little self-control. And tell your parents that if they don't get a grip on what comes out of their mouths, you may have to restrict the visits. Your folks are not only wounding their grandchildren, they are setting an unfortunate example of what grown-up behavior ought to be like.

—Prudie, supportively

Dear Prudence,

I'm a 26-year-old mother of two and about seven months ago separated from my husband of six years. The separation was at my request because I didn't love him anymore and hadn't for a very long time. In fact, I spent most of my marriage wondering when it was actually going to end. We married young, after our first child was born, and probably not for the right reasons. But this isn't why I'm writing you. Since our separation I have fallen deeply in love with another man who just happens to be married and have quite a bit of baggage—to the tune of six children from three different women. But that doesn't matter to me because I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel. We want desperately to be together, but he can't bring himself to hurt his wife and children because of another woman. He says he would rather allow his marriage to die a slow death and have it be for other reasons than because of us. I have tried to end our relationship on three different occasions because it is so painful for me to stand in the wings, knowing how he feels about me, knowing how I feel about him, and unable to do anything about it. Each time, he begs me to be patient, says he loves me more than anything, that we can endure this. I'm running out of patience. At the same time, my soon to be ex-husband has started seeing someone else and is sleeping with her. He's been honest with me about his relationship with this woman, and much to my surprise, I am insanely jealous about it. WHY??? I know that I don't want to get back with him, but the thought of him with someone else is very painful for me. I don't know what to do with myself. What is wrong with me?