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The Old Man and the Sleaze

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Dear Prudence,
Recently my sister and I have come to strongly suspect that our stepmother is having an affair with a neighbor of hers and our father. She is very young, 36, and our father is 76. We do understand that perhaps there is a lack of passion in their relationship, but we do still feel that she is taking everyone for a ride. She seems to dislike my sister and me, and she is very good at manipulating my father. (I could list a few instances in which she threatened to leave him in order to get her way.) Our dilemma is, of course, do well tell him and risk being the messenger who gets shot, or do we keep it to ourselves so he can remain ignorant/blissful while we go crazy? Please, Prudence, we need some sound advice.

—Troubled

Dear Trub,
Alas, the cliché is true: There's no fool like an old fool. Sometimes rich, elderly people know, deep down, it's their moolah that is the attraction ... and they don't care. In other cases, the person being manipulated is impaired and is clearly being taken advantage of. Prudie understands your acute distress at seeing your father manipulated by someone exploiting his weakness. Even though the situation is booby-trapped in terms of your relationship with your dad, Prudie urges you to broach the subject rather than ignore it. If he closes you down, you will know that, as a loving pair of siblings, you have gone on record and voiced your concerns. However it plays out ... whether he is appreciative of your looking out for him and salvaging his dignity, or tells you to take a hike, you will know you did not stand by silently while this sad episode becomes your dad's last chapter. As a matter of conscience Prudie encourages you not to sweep the situation under the rug in the name of "peace and harmony." A pretty good rule in life is that whatever is the hardest thing to do is probably the right thing to do.

—Prudie, empathetically

Prudie,
I have been dating the guy I am with for almost two years. After moving in together I found out that he is a HUGE pervert and looks at porno on the Web ALL the time. He lies about it when I confront him. He also ordered a pornographic movie one time, and I caught him with that. I don't know what his problem is. We have an active sex life, and everything seems to be fine ... except this. Other people tell me that men are just like that, and always will be, no matter what you do. I can't handle it and am considering leaving him over it. I don't know if I should get out now or maybe try counseling to see if that helps me deal with it, since "every man does it."

—K.R.

Dear K.,
Well, every man doesn't do it, but, alas, yours does. While one person's porn site is another one's social life, the issue, here, is how you feel about it. Online sex addiction is on the rise and increasingly a bone of contention between romantic partners. It has been shown by research that lying about online sexcapades is common, so we know this subject is a minefield. People do not lie about neutral or positive activities. At one conference on the subject, therapy was strongly recommended—and the participants agreed that it was of great importance that the cybersurfers be honest with their partners about what they're looking at. If it's a secret, it's a problem. Get professional guidance, either together or alone. If your boyfriend's habits do not change and/or continue to disturb you, then you need to call it a day. There are plenty of guys out there for whom the real thing is better than the mock.

—Prudie, supportively

Dear Prudence,
Our neighbors were letting their dogs bark for very long periods of time, usually from 10 p.m. to midnight, and from 4 a.m. into the daytime. We moved here a while ago, and after several months of this we asked them to please do something about their dogs. They quieted things down for several months, but now the hounds are at it again—for hours at a time, either keeping us awake or waking us up. These same neighbors play loud music, as well. They had a nighttime basketball game going several days in a row, with of course much yelling and screaming. I called and asked them to quiet things down so we could sleep. The husband said he would "quiet the boys down." Things did quiet down, but the next day the wife called me to say I was rude and it wasn't a very "West Coast" thing to do. She said we were nitpicking and that she was embarrassed to tell visiting family members to stop their game. I am upset that these neighbors ignore common courtesies.

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