Drawing upon her rich experience of life, Prudence (Prudie to her friends) responds to questions about manners, personal relations, politics, and other subjects. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. Queries should not exceed 200 words in length. Please indicate how you wish your letter to be signed, preferably including your location.

Dear Pru!

My sister married (18 years ago) a man who, while talented and charming when in the mood, turned out to be very abusive (verbally) and have a major bad temper. This affected her well-being but, instead of concentrating on the marriage or seeking treatment for him, she decided to blame our parents for all her ills ... including the choice of a husband.

She spends hours talking about the "abuse" we were subjected to as children. Our parents were not perfect, but about average, or maybe a drop below. I believe that dwelling on the past is just an excuse and easier than dealing with the present. What can be done to convince her that, despite all the psychobabble we are exposed to, the past is not as important as the present? I want her to get on with her life, get help for her husband, and stop driving my parents and everybody in the family nuts.

Respectfully,

--Forward-Looking in New York

Dear For,

Prudie's guess is that your sib has not been receptive to your suggestions, so save your breath to cool your soup. Your sister's life has not turned out as she had hoped, and her way of coping is to apportion blame. Unfortunately, in her game of emotional Tag, your parents are "it."

Prudie hopes you will disengage from the marital psychodrama and be as supportive as possible to your folks. Also, in the name of self-defense, you might decline to listen to your sister's version of her difficulties. Simply say that you, for whatever reason, did not experience any parental abuse, and you wish her well in what is, essentially, a private matter: her marriage.

--Prudie, palliatively