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Food Fight

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 14:04:45 GMT

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voice mail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Break up over veggies: I was raised by my grandparents in Appalachia. There was an outdoor toilet, and hunting and food stamps made up a huge percentage of our meals. I have eaten squirrel and know how to sew, knit, can, and garden by sheer necessity. I got a scholarship to school and ended up very gay and very politically blue.

My long-term lover was born in California to very upscale gay parents. She has never wanted for anything in her life, and I consider her one of the best people I know. She has been trying to go vegan for a while now. I don’t mind the dietary restrictions, but we keep arguing over ethics. I find them holier-than-thou and rooted in a smug, classist outlook. She thinks eating meat is murder.

This topic is a thorn in the side of our relationship. I’ll point out that increased demand for quinoa from upscale Americans has damaged local South American economies; she’ll send me upsetting PETA videos. Otherwise we work out beautifully—sexually, spiritually, and mentally.

We have been getting serious until this, and we both want kids. It is a big deal to me to be able to teach my children how to hunt, fish, and survive off the land. My grandparents died a few years ago, and I want their legacy to live on.

I don’t think marriage counseling is going to solve this, but I really do love her. Do you think we can resolve this problem?

A: First, the bad news: I don’t think I have a better sense of whether this relationship can work out than you and your partner do. I can tell you that, based on what I’ve seen from other couples (and what I’ve learned in writing this column for nigh-on two years), differences of opinion about how to raise children tend to get more important over time, not less.

That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for two people with extremely different dietary outlooks to start a family together, but you two can’t possibly move forward as you are now. Repeatedly sending you slaughterhouse videos in lieu of having a difficult, honest conversation is not a great choice on your partner’s part, regardless of how strongly she feels about meat-eating. Telling your partner that you believe her vegan convictions are solely the result of having had a relatively easy childhood is not a terrific choice on yours, either.

Whether or not you two seek out a counselor for help mediating this conversation, I think the most important next step is to figure out how you can talk about food and children in a way that is not rooted in contempt and antagonism. Can you both accept that the other is a fundamentally good person who is attempting to live a valuable, self-sufficient, moral life to the best of her ability, in accordance to her own values? Can either of you imagine a possible compromise when it comes to raising children—for example, eating primarily vegetarian meals at home except for what you have hunted or fished yourselves?

I can’t answer those questions for you, but I think it’s worth at least trying to resolve this together. If after all your best efforts you still think the other is being fundamentally unreasonable, you may have to part ways and find partners with more compatible views on child-rearing. But it’s worth fighting for what you have first.

Q. Night-shift roommate: At the beginning of the summer, my roommate got a job working the night shift. We talked about the situation well in advance of his start date, and I agreed to be quiet and conscientious in common areas during the day in order to let him sleep. My roommate has a short temper, and in the year we’ve been living together, he’s handled conflicts aggressively—swearing at me, breaking my dishes, and removing furniture from common areas without first asking me. I was worried that the stress of working the night shift would only exacerbate his anger issues, and that appears to be the case.

While I’ve taken extreme care to avoid even being in common areas during the day, he’s reacted to even the slightest sounds with a lot of hostility. He’s sent angry, all-caps messages, he’s slammed doors in front of me, and he’s screamed at me to shut up when I’m working or eating quietly in common areas. This is only a temporary job, but I think the issues here run deeper, and I think it may be time for us to stop living together.

I love my apartment, I love my neighborhood, and I don’t have the resources to move out right now. I also don’t want to put my roommate in an unsafe or financially precarious position—or make him even angrier!—by asking him to move out. We’re both on the lease for another year. Should I try to resolve the situation and ask him to be less hostile, or should I just bite the bullet and try to navigate a moving-out discussion?

A: It is definitely time for you two to stop living together. There’s no maybe about it. The issue here is not whether your roommate is getting enough sleep (which I’m very much in favor of!); the issue here is that your roommate has a violent temper and makes no attempt to curb his outbursts.

Figure out what you need to do in order for moving out to be financially viable, and start taking steps to find your own replacement on the lease. If you have a friendly relationship with your landlord, ask him or her about what options you have short of breaking the lease early.

In the meantime, if you have any friends or family you can stay with while you figure this out, I urge you to do so. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it must be for you to live around someone who might fly off the handle and start screaming and breaking things if you cough in the living room. Of course you can also try to ask him to curb his rages, but something tells me that if he thinks breaking your dishes and screaming curses at you is a reasonable response to ordinary roommate conflict, he’s not going to listen.

Your best, and safest, option is to start planning your exit.

Q. Re: Night-shift roommate: Please! If this were a marriage or romantic partnership, this would be considered domestic violence, and we would be telling you to get out of there now. You have no emotional involvement of that sort. Please just get out of there. Maybe crash on someone’s sofa for a few weeks and pay a last month’s rent to help the guy out.

Otherwise, please don’t worry about “putting my roommate in an unsafe or financially precarious position.” He put himself there! You can’t make him not get angry. He is angry. That is his personality and also his tactic.

Please, please pack your things and get out of there now! He has already shown that he gets physical in anger. He could hurt you and might!

A: Right, the roommate’s financial situation should be the very least of the letter writer’s concerns. Since they’re worried about their own financial burden, they should contact the local tenant’s rights organization. Since they’re on the lease too, it won’t be as simple as paying “last month’s rent” in order to get out of the contract, but that doesn’t mean the only option is to stick it out for another year of walking on eggshells.

Q. Baby uncle: My dad and his second (much younger) wife are about to have a baby boy, just about a month after I had my second child. I’m really happy for them and glad my new son will have a relative his age. However, it turns out my dad and stepmom fully expect my kids to call the new baby “Uncle X.”

I think this is ridiculous. They’re older than him, and he’s a baby. When I expressed this to my dad, he said it would be disrespectful for the kids not to call his son that, regardless of age.

Who’s right?

A: Sometimes a situation does not have a clear right side and wrong side! (Those are the worst situations. I’m so sorry.)

If your father expected your children to treat his as-yet unborn son as some sort of elder authority, we might be having a different conversation. But if all he wants is for you and your family to refer to his kid as your kids’ uncle, I think it’s worth humoring him. It’s technically true!

That said, it’s possible your father is insisting your kids refer to his son as “Uncle Fortescue” instead of his given name at all times, even when they’re playing together, which would be more than a little ridiculous and almost impossible to enforce. You can certainly introduce your kids to their new uncle by his title, and say things like, “Look! Uncle Fortescue just rolled over. How exciting for Uncle Fortescue,” but odds are excellent that by the time all your kids are in the 2- to 5-year-old range, little Uncle Fortescue is not going to be interested in demanding he be addressed by his full title. And you certainly shouldn’t go out of your way to correct a group of toddlers playing together and using one another’s given names.

Q. Can I ask my friend-with-benefits for sex?: I’m just going to begin my question by acknowledging that the relationship I’m about to describe is a little unconventional. I’m in my late 20s; the guy I’m seeing is in his mid-40s. We’re not in a relationship, though we’ve been exclusively intimate for about two years. We’re also very good friends. He’s extremely supportive of my life, family, and career, and vice versa. We consider ourselves friends with benefits, which, despite all the horror stories, is a label that mostly works for us.

But here is my problem: It’s been a little over a month since we’ve seen one another (we live about two hours apart and each have a young child), and I’m starting to get an ... itch. I’ve inquired a few times about getting together, but he’s been busy with work, and I obviously want to respect that. Is it reasonable to call him up and just say point-blank, “Hey, I need sex. Can we figure this out?” Or is that pushy and obnoxious?

I realize I could inquire with different men, but I honor the monogamous aspect of our relationship and would hate to screw it up over something trivial. Except that this isn’t trivial; the itch is real, and I don’t mean in a “Well, maybe you should try masturbating” way. Am I being crazy?

A: First things first: It is not “crazy” to ask someone you are having sex with to have sex with you. It is perhaps the least surprising thing you could ask for, given your arrangement.

Ask for sex point-blank! Why on earth would you consider it pushy? It’s not pushy to stand in line at Starbucks and order coffee. One naturally follows the other! It would be pushy to order a coffee after closing time or to leap across the bar and demand the barista ignore every other customer in order to make your drink first. But you’re not suggesting anything remotely close to that.

You’ve been sleeping with this guy for two years, consider him a friend, and call him “extremely supportive.” Why are you so afraid to ask him to have sex with you?

Q. Re: Night-shift roommate: In some states a domestic violence situation requires that the landlord let a threatened lessee out of a lease. Not sure if the letter writer’s situation would apply, but he or she should consult an attorney.

A: That’s a helpful point and worth investigating! I think the letter writer should take any and all help available to get away from this guy.

Q. Unrequited for now?: I admit I have a crush on a close friend of mine.

He and I started hanging out this past semester, but we spent almost every day together because of classes. We have the same interests, and he’s every bit as compassionate, cute, smart, and funny as one can hope for.

About two weeks into our friendship, though, I made a small comment that accidentally revealed my crush. He knew about my huge breakup from a year before but not much else about me, so he politely declined. Fast-forward seven months, we talk every day, and my crush is worse. Half of me wants to abandon it completely because he’s already declined. The other half thinks if he gets to know me better, he’ll find something he likes about me and there’s still hope.

We’re entering our last semester together, and I need advice on what to do before I end up asking him out at graduation.

A: If you two have spent the past seven months talking every day, I’d wager your crush already knows you pretty well. He has been given sufficient information and can make an informed decision as to whether he likes you as more than a friend!

Since the first time you asked him out was so early on in your acquaintance, I think it’s fine to ask once more. But why wait until graduation? At this point, I think any delay would have more to do with self-preservation than a genuine desire for him to “get to know you better,” since you’re already fairly close. If he doesn’t want to go out with you now, then it’s better to know so you can put your crush to bed and try to move on. If he does, congratulations! Have a great time on your date!

Q. His ex lives with us: My husband was married briefly in his early 20s, and the divorce was amicable. We are now in our early 40s and dealing with both elderly parents, downsizing, and a disabled child. When my husband’s ex asked if she could stay in our house while looking for real estate, we both happily agreed. “Mila” is a lifesaver. I can’t tell you how nice it is to come home to a hot meal and a clean house after a 12-hour shift, picking up a grumpy child, and taking my parents grocery shopping. We have additional income now and have been able go on actual date nights!

Mila has no family except an estranged brother. When she offered to move out, my husband and I both asked her to stay at least for another year. She can save her money and wait for a better real estate market and we all can live together happily.

My personal family is happy with this; my extended one is not. My siblings contribute very little to our parents’ care but are perfectly happy to gossip about me and pass it off to our parents. I nearly slapped my sister for accusing me of letting my husband move his mistress in. I told her Mila has done more for our parents than she did in the last 10 years (unless it was to beg money from them).

This is the only sour note in what has turned to be a new song in our lives. How do I stop them from spoiling it?

A: Congratulations on what sounds like the most delightful, difficult-to-achieve living arrangement of all time! I hope Mila is enjoying the arrangement as much as you and your husband are and that you two have enthusiastically shown your appreciation for all that she does around the house, as well as made sure she gets some time to herself.

You’ve already explained to your siblings that there’s nothing sexual or romantic going on between the three of you and that while your roommate situation might be unorthodox, it works for you and makes you happy. If they can’t or won’t accept that explanation, feel free to say (as often as necessary): “We’re very happy living with Mila, and I’m not going to discuss it any further.” If this means you end up spending less time talking to your siblings—frankly, that sounds like a bonus.

Mallory Ortberg: Yes, there’s that upturned chin and that grin of impetuous youth. I believe in you. See you next week.

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

Past Due

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 10 Jul 2017 21:24:06 GMT

Mallory Ortberg: Hello, you cool, clear-eyed seekers of wisdom and truth. Is that the sound of good, solid judgment I hear? Let’s chat.

Q. Third wheel: I am a graduate student who is currently involved with a married couple. I am bisexual and far removed from my home court. Before I met “Sue” and “Dave,” my last long-term relationships didn’t end well. Dave and Sue were fun, stable, and made me feel safe. When my roommate bailed on me and my rent shot up, they invited me to room with them. For a better part of a year, it was a dream come true.

Except now Sue is pregnant, and I am getting weird vibes from them both. Sue is either randomly closing me out (she doesn’t want me at her church baby shower) or trying to pull me in (making comments about “our baby”). I have learned not to be alone in a room with Dave because as soon as Sue comes in, all the air goes out. Dave is infuriatingly noncommittal about what exactly my status with them is going to be. If I ask, “What’s going to change between us when the baby comes?” He says, “Nothing. We still want you here.”

I am torn between not wanting to rock the boat and wanting it to capsize so I can swim to shore. I don’t want kids now. I have been saving money but not nearly enough to get a studio by myself. Every time I bring it up, Dave and Sue protest and say they want me to stay. Most of my social circle right now comes from them, and if things get ugly, I might be left completely alone.

How do I get myself out of this? I do love both Dave and Sue but not enough to derail my life or my goals. I want to stay friends, and I want life to be good to them, but I feel if I breathe wrong I will break everything.

A: Get out. Get out now. Get out now. This couple is producing red flags at such an accelerated clip that they could double as a red-flag factory.

Start looking for an alternate living situation immediately. If you can’t afford a studio by yourself, find someone you can split the rent with, whether through your graduate student housing, the recommendation of other friends, or an app that screens and verifies potential roommates.

This is not a safe situation for you, and part of you is already aware that Dave and Sue do not have your best interests at heart if you’re able to admit that you’d be left “completely alone” if things “got ugly.” If you were in a relationship with reasonable people, you’d say something like, “Even if we broke up, although it would be difficult, I know they’d still want me to be happy and healthy.”

You don’t want a child, and Dave and Sue are about to have one. You don’t want to be treated like a dirty little secret, but already you feel uncomfortable spending time alone with Dave because of the unhealthy, triangulated dynamics between the three of you. Dave’s claiming that “nothing is going to change” after the baby is born, but things are already changing, and not for the better. Adding a baby to a problematic situation has never solved anything, and things are only going to get worse for you after the baby comes. You don’t have to “wait” for the boat to capsize—you can, and should, grab a life jacket, jump overboard, and start swimming for shore.

Q. End the social media madness: I was wondering if you can give me some advice on how to deal with social media at work and a general feeling of social media overload.

Like most people, I receive many messages every day, most notably via WhatsApp, Messenger, and plain old email. When people send WhatsApp messages, they seem to expect rapid response times, more so than with Messenger or email. I receive a lot of these messages during my workday. As this disrupts my concentration, I have begun to put my phone in flight mode when I arrive at work. I have noticed that people can get frustrated when you don’t respond within a couple of hours.

I am just so exhausted from all of this. I already have loads of emails to deal with at work, and it reduces my concentration. So, I open my email three or four times a day and close it again when I am done responding. When I explain this, my friends and family seem to find this way of communicating is outdated and annoying, because they have to wait a while before I respond. And this is not the way of the world anymore. To be fair to them, it’s not the first thing that I take care of when I come home after a long workday. It just feels like a chore that has to be handled every day.

It’s not like I dislike communicating with people. I just like to talk to them, face to face, instead of exchanging all these short, usually meaningless messages. And with all these different apps, I sometimes forget to respond to messages and feel guilty afterward. I miss the old days when you had to pay per text and people were using this option sparingly (I am in my early 30s).

A: Something that is patently true but sometimes difficult to realize is that social media services are completely optional in adult life. You probably have to have a phone number and an email address if you want to function in society, but WhatsApp and Messenger and similar apps are completely optional. If they do not produce a robust sense of joy and well-being within you, if you are an otherwise responsive human being who regularly leaves the house and spends time with your friends, you can delete them from your phone and from your life. (I’m also going to make an official ruling and say that no one should send a follow-up about a nonemergency text sent during the workday for 12 hours. This is completely arbitrary and based solely on what seems right to me at present, but I do expect the entire world to comply immediately.)

Your friends and family are being unreasonable! Lots of people are not immediately reachable during the workday, which is a blessing; I prefer that surgeons and bus drivers and health inspectors give their entire focus to the tasks at hand and not to checking their social media accounts. It seems like every messaging app you’re using feels like a burden to you and provides your friends and family with another excuse to hound you when you’re trying to work. Give yourself permission to pare down to text and email, and don’t apologize for not writing back when you’re at work.

Q. Just want to be fair: I’m a 38-year-old single man. I’ve never had trouble getting first dates, but I’ve had some tough luck with long-term relationships. My first ended amicably enough, the second decidedly not. Both left me feeling utterly alone and heartbroken. I’m not unduly fragile, and I know both of those women are fundamentally good people who deserve happiness, as do I. It’s just that I’ve learned the hard way to guard my emotions carefully.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lovely woman 11 years younger than myself. She’s energetic, empathetic, and kind, and just as a bonus she’s stop-you-in-your-tracks beautiful. I find myself falling rather hard. She’s also very much still trying to figure out herself and her place in the world.

How do I treat this woman and myself fairly? I gather she’s in a transitional phase in life, and I’m so afraid to fall in love at the risk of being burned again. I also realize that if I can’t risk emotional vulnerability then I’m likely to end up alone.

A: I don’t think you need any advice beyond the bog-standard “Be honest, take it slow, have fun” advice that governs all new relationships.

This woman is 27, not 19; she might be going through a transitional stage in her life, but she’s also a fully fledged adult who is (hopefully) capable of stating her own needs and setting her own boundaries. If you need to take things slowly, tell her! Figure out a balance between “fools rush in” and “I am a relational glacier,” and do your best to stay in the middle.

People break up all the time for all sorts of reasons. It may happen to you and this wonderful woman, no matter how careful you are in the beginning. Take the risk, and good luck.

Q. Overly rewarded for basic human kindness: The other day I happened to see an elderly female neighbor fall. She lives behind us, and I saw her tumble. I raced out, helped notify her husband, and helped him help her up; she was OK. The next day he came by with a thank-you card and $50 in gift cards. My issue is the real guilt I feel for accepting them because I feel like I didn’t do anything worthy of a reward, and I don’t feel that returning the gift cards will help anything. I feel like any person seeing another in peril would help as best he or she could.

A: Donate the gift cards either to someone you know who could use them or to a local food pantry or homeless shelter (call first to see if it can accept them). Bear in mind that you are doing this woman another kindness by allowing her to express her gratitude. Giving you the thank-you note and gift cards may make her feel less helpless and out of control, and your gracious response will go a long way toward making her feel better about herself.

Q. Newly separated but ready to date: After almost 20 years of marriage, my wife and I are getting ready to be separated. The separation is, thankfully, amicable and mutual. We both hold no ill will toward each other. We have no children, either. Those things have made this process strangely straightforward.

My question is about dating, or “getting back out there,” so to speak. My wife and I both agree that we have been roommates for a few years now. I have been lonely for a while (as has she), and I definitely am ready to dip my toe in the dating waters. I’m not proposing to do so the moment we’re officially or legally separated, but I don’t want to wait months and months either.

Is there some sort of socially acceptable time period? I don’t want funny looks from friends and acquaintances, nor do I want to weird out any potential dates. And above all, I don’t want to hurt my wife’s feelings either. Are there any guidelines for this sort of thing?

A: As a rule, most people generally prefer dating someone who is not still living with someone he (or she) is still referring to as his “wife.” (Not everyone! Different strokes, etc).

It’s very conscientious of you to want to be respectful of your soon-to-be ex, of course, but her feelings about your dating life should not be what guides your choices in the future. Once you two are legally separated and living independently, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t start dipping said toe into said waters. You don’t have to tell your friends right away that you’ve started going on a few first dates, but if any of them do raise an eyebrow, you can simply say, “Our marriage has been over for a long time, and I’m ready to move on.”

Q. Hair: In the genetic spin, I look exactly like my Japanese mother while having very red hair like my Irish American father. It was a huge problem growing up in Japan (I dyed my hair black for most of middle and high school). I am currently going to school to get my Ph.D. in the States but in an area without a high Asian population, so I get a lot of double-takes and unwanted touching. Random strangers will ask me how I dye my hair and not believe me if I tell them it is natural. Worse, they will try to touch my hair or encourage their children to. I had multiple instances of getting sticky candy stuck in my ponytail or braid because of some overeager kids. Growing up mixed race in Japan means I am very uncomfortable with confrontation or conflict.

My roommate is amazing and takes it upon herself to be my guard dog. She will push hands away and lecture parents went she sees I am being crowded. I need a script to deal with these people so I don’t freeze up when my roommate is not around. Can you help me?

A: “Don’t touch me,” with or without a “Please” appended, is always an excellent choice, especially if you’re not looking to get into a discussion or an argument with the type of person who thinks it’s appropriate to walk up to a complete stranger and touch her hair. It’s perfectly polite yet direct and clear. If there are any readers who’ve found useful scripts in discouraging would-be petters, please share what’s worked for you!

Q. Tipping etiquette: Earlier this year I began getting massages about twice a month from an excellent massage therapist. I booked a 40-minute massage and left a 20 percent tip. I felt that all was going well until a month ago.

I went into the massage session with extra-tense shoulders, and my therapist worked on them for a full hour. I left a larger tip to reflect the extra work that she did. Since then, she has twice kept me well past my 40-minute bookings. I do appreciate the longer massages, but a big part of the reason I chose the 40-minute massage is that I can afford it in my monthly budget with a 20 percent tip.

Should I talk to my therapist? The studio is structured such that clients only talk to “secretaries” about payment. Should I talk to the secretary after my appointment? I get the feeling that my therapist is willing to do more to make me feel better even if I don’t pay her to. How do I ethically and appropriately handle this?

A: First of all, congratulations on being able to afford twice-monthly massages and for being a generous tipper. I imagine a lot of massage therapists wish they had clients like you!

I think your next move should be to confirm, at the start of your next appointment, that you have booked the 40-minute massage and both of you have the correct length scheduled. If she continues to try to offer an extra 20 minutes every time and you’re not comfortable with that because you can’t afford to pay more, feel free to invent a follow-up appointment you can’t reschedule or postpone. If she insists—congratulations! You have found the most generous massage therapist in the world, and you are very lucky.

Q. Re: Hair: I’m also a natural redhead who gets lots of unwanted attention and hair-touching. My procedure is to say, “Thanks!” if someone compliments me and keep moving—I don’t give strangers the chance to touch me because I’m always out of there quickly or inventing appointments I’m late for. If someone asks to touch it I usually say, “Sorry, no. I just washed/ styled it.”

A: An elegant approach! Since the letter writer is especially loath to enter into an argument and fears appearing rude, I think this will be particularly useful.

Q. Queer Club Secret Handshake?: I’m a recently realized genderqueer person, falling more toward the side of a trans girl. Over the past six to 12 months, I’ve started dressing the part as I get more comfortable, and that means that I’ve been more easily recognizable as a queer person, or at least it’s easier for people to guess, since appearance isn’t always proof positive. A handful of times, another person—who, if I had to guess, I would presume is a fellow queer individual—has approached me unexpectedly to offer a compliment or other kind word. In the past I’d have thought nothing of it beyond a kind word from a stranger, but with the hope to meet new queer friends on my mind, these moments have made me wonder if there’s some secret code or policy that some queer folks subscribe to when it comes to acknowledging or reaching out to others they suspect are members of the club, and I’m experiencing it for the first time as a New Queer^TM.

A: It is definitely A Thing, and I’m delighted that your experience with the Secret Queer Compliment Club has been such a positive one.

There’s loads to go into when it comes to queer visibility, some of it great (random compliments!) some of it lousy (femme invisibility! Bisexual erasure! et al), but I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been met with warmth and support as your presentation has shifted. Whenever I get a short haircut, I notice that the number of brief, pleased head-nods I get from butches/studs/bois/genderqueer folk/etc I pass on the street skyrockets; it’s an imperfect but often lovely form of queer recognition in a world where that’s not always easy or safe.

Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.

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Help! I Hate Telling People My Husband “Passed Away.” Can’t I Just Tell It Like It Is?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 10 Jul 2017 20:55:30 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q: He died: This may be kind of a weird question, but do I owe it to strangers to temper my language when talking about my husband’s death?

He passed away a couple years ago, way too young. I’ll admit I take some pleasure in saying “he’s dead” bluntly when telemarketers call looking for him, but it came up at a pet store the other day because our points card was under his name and they asked for his email. I stood there like a fish with its mouth open for way too long, because I couldn’t come up with anything else but didn’t want to scare the poor clerk! I know the easy response is “he passed away,” but those words apparently fled me.

Is it unkind for me to just go with the first and easiest thing that comes into my head? I know I’m probably overthinking this, and yes, I’m in therapy.

A: It’s not unnecessarily detailed or gory—you’re not giving anyone the specifics on how he died—it’s just that the word death often makes people uncomfortable, which is neither your fault nor your responsibility. You are not obliged to supply a polite euphemism; if “He died” comes to mind before “Tragically, he passed away and is no longer with us,” then you should just say “He died.” Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Q. Marijuana at my parents’ house: I am a woman in my mid-30s who just moved back in with my parents. The point of the move is to help them out during a financially difficult time, and I would otherwise be happily living on my own.

I love my parents, and we get along great! I am happy to help them out. The only problem is I am a regular pot smoker, and they have no idea. They would be strongly opposed if they knew about my “hobby.” I am gainfully employed and socially active—I just like my weed!

My question is, do I have an obligation to give up the habit while I live with them (indefinitely!), or should I be upfront with them, knowing they will throw a fit? Sneaking around with it seems challenging, and I don’t like the idea of being deceitful. Any ideas?

A: Have you considered alternative marijuana delivery systems? Edibles, ingestible oils, tinctures, vaporizing? (Let’s go with the usual caveats; I’ll assume you’re not planning on getting high and then driving your parents to a doctor’s appointment but plan on using recreational weed in a responsible, safe, private way.)

You can’t completely control for the possibility that one or both of your parents might someday stumble upon your stash, but you can do your best to be as discreet as possible while you’re living with them. You might consider, at least for the present, cutting down on your habit or trying to reserve getting high for occasions when you’re not in your parents’ home.

But that’s simply an option, not an obligation. You’re in your 30s; you’re not “sneaking around” if you refuse to disclose all of the habits you enjoy that your parents might disapprove of. You’re already helping them out by moving in—you don’t owe them veto power over your personal life, as long as you’re not risking anyone’s health or safety.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 10 Jul 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Mallory Ortberg takes your questions on manners, morals, and more. Please keep your questions succinct (recommended max. length is around 150 words). The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on Slate’s Dear Prudence, and look for next week’s submission page. You can also continue the conversation about this week's chat and read more of Prudie's advice on the Prudie Facebook Page.

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Getting Away From It All

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 10:00:00 GMT

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon.

Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,

I'm in my late 40s, successful, and fairly attractive. I travel both domestically and internationally alone quite a bit. I try my best to cultivate a standoffish air, complete with big headphones, but that only seems to dissuade the polite guys who can take a hint. I end up getting hit on by men who are almost universally lacking in social decorum, to the point that I’m not interested in talking to them, much less letting them buy me a drink. I'm not big and I look young so it's hard to appear physically intimidating. It's very uncomfortable because no matter how polite I am they almost always pull attitude when I decline their offer. Since it happens most often when I’m traveling, sometimes we’re staying at the same hotel, sharing an exit row on the plane, or attending the same conference. I sometimes find myself hiding, checking the locks on my hotel room door, or not falling asleep on long flights. When I travel near home, I bring my German shepherds with me, which helps, but I get tired of making up imaginary boyfriends to keep these guys at bay. The two most recent instances actually involved the owners of the small hotels I was staying at—one said it was “cool” with his pregnant partner if he and I had a relationship (so completely not my thing)—and I'm too uncomfortable to go back again. The other followed me back to my cabin on a prior visit. Both places are isolated, without cell coverage.

I want to enjoy my travel and not worry about creepy men. How do I best handle these situations? I work in tech and put up with this type of treatment day in, day out, and don't really want to spend my free time dealing with it too. And please don’t think I’m being stuck-up about my appearance. This isn't about how I look. It is about how entitled these men feel for the attention of any woman alone. Short of a mail-order husband or staying home, what is your advice? Before you think, “Boo-hoo, these aren’t real problems,” please consider how you’d feel, spending your hard-earned money on a vacation where you feel compelled to hide behind guard dogs or a locked door.

—No Thanks, I’m Fine

I can assure you that dismissing your problems as fake or the byproduct of vanity was the furthest thing from my mind! Being followed back to her room, repeatedly propositioned by married men, or badgered by pests throughout the course of a flight or a conference should not be the tax a woman has to pay for traveling by herself. Nor would I advise you to stop traveling, if it’s something you generally enjoy, just because some men refuse to demonstrate good judgment and self-restraint. I wish I could tell you there were some series of actions you could take that would eliminate all the creepy and unsettling advances of strange men before they started, but I don’t know of any. There are a variety of guides that recommend certain travel destinations as being particularly welcoming to women traveling alone that you might wish to avail yourself of, but you’ve learned from experience that this problem is global and impossible to completely control for. In addition to the precautions you’ve already had to take, I think you should let go of your sense of obligation to “not be rude” when strange men hit on you. As a rule it is a great idea to hold politeness as your guiding principle in social interactions, but that does not mean that politeness is the highest possible good. If you want to make it clear to someone that you are not interested in having a conversation, politeness will not help you achieve that goal. The facts that you’ve felt the need to bring guard dogs with you and that someone has at least once followed you back to your room suggest (rightly, I think) that you’re concerned at least some of the time not just with having to fend off unwanted advances from clueless boors but also for your own safety. I encourage you to pay attention to that self-preservation instinct and to take whatever steps you think are necessary to look after yourself—whether that’s insisting on staying in hotels with good cell reception, having a friend you can check in with regularly, or asking for a female flight attendant/concierge/travel guide to switch your seat or walk with you to your car or hotel room at the end of the night.

That doesn’t mean you have to fling a brick in the direction of any man who says “Is this 8A? I think I’m seated in 8B,” but give yourself permission to be blunt when ending (or declining to enter) a conversation with someone who gives you the willies. Since these guys “pull attitude” anyways even if you’re polite, why not stop being polite when you turn them down? It is likely, by the way, that the things you want to say are not “rude” at all and are in fact merely direct. It is not rude to not want to flirt with someone, or to decline to embark on an extramarital affair with the manager of your hotel. The following are examples of sentences that are not rude in the least:

“No, thank you.”
“No.”
“I’m not interested.”
“I don’t want a drink.”
“I’m going to get back to my book now.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Goodbye.”

* * *

Dear Prudence

I have a friend who thinks we’re closer than we really are. We met in college and spent a lot of time together then, although even at the time I suspected she saw me as a closer friend than I did her. She’s supportive and loyal, and I’ve always enjoyed her company and have tried to be a good friend. In the 10 years since college I’ve made other friends, many of whom I have more in common with and enjoy being around. My college friend still contacts me frequently to get together and often asks how I can be “so busy.” I really am fairly busy, and when I do have time to socialize, I’d rather see my other friends.

When we talk, she’ll say things like “This reminds me why you’re the one I enjoy talking to most out of all my friends,” and I’m sure she notices when I don’t reciprocate (for all her good qualities, she can be stern and judgmental about other people). Her veiled accusations that I should want to hang out with her more than I do are becoming more frequent and I don’t know how to respond. I’m grateful for her friendship and like her—I just don’t want to spend any more time together than we already do. She has done nothing wrong, and I don't want to completely exclude her from my life. I just want to keep the friendship at the level that it is. Is this possible, or should I break off the friendship altogether?

—Non-BFF

The good news is that you’ve managed to maintain roughly the same distance between the two of you for well over a decade, which says a lot about the long-term success of your strategy. Odds are good you’ll be able to continue meeting for lunch once every other month or so for the foreseeable future. You don’t seem in danger of crumbling and asking her to move in with you or anything like that—your only problem is what to do with your discomfort when she openly acknowledges that power imbalance between the two of you. It can be tempting, when someone else says, “You’re my favorite friend/I wish you weren’t so busy/We should do this more often” to reciprocate, or at least parrot their fiction (“I feel the same way! I wish I weren’t so busy too! Let’s schedule a road trip I have no intention of taking!”) to minimize in-person awkwardness, but that’s just kicking the problem down the road.

She may still periodically drop hints that she wants to renew those long-ago intimacies of your college days, but you’re under no obligation to return them. This isn’t a change in your relationship, and you don’t owe her an explanation for a sudden change in behavior. The trick, I think, is to acknowledge (rather than ignore or deflect) what she’s saying without agreeing to her premise. Which is a tricky needle to thread! But it’s doable. So when she says something like:

“This reminds me why I like talking to you more than anyone else.”
“I just don’t understand how busy you are! No one else I know is this busy.”
“This was so much fun! I can’t understand why we don’t have lunch every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and alternate Saturdays.”

You say:

“That means a lot to me! Thank you so much.”
“I’m glad we found a time that worked for both of us. I don’t want to waste any of our time together talking about my work schedule—I do enough of that at the office.”
“This was fun! I’m just glad we found the time to get together.”

Keep it cheerful and focused on the present moment, and don’t concede that you’re doing anything wrong by not opening up your day planner in front of her and letting her write her name on all the blank spaces.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

I am an Orthodox Jew. As such, I don't “work” during my Sabbath from sundown Friday to twilight Saturday each week. Because we can't use the internet or drive, the Sabbath is a prime hangout time for me and my friends. Typical Sabbaths involve going over to friends' apartments for meals, chatting, and playing board games. It's usually very lovely.

The problem is that my friends very rarely host meals on the Sabbath. Therefore, the burden of hosting typically falls on me. I don't mind hosting every once in a while, but I feel that if I don't put something together, we won't see each other. I know for a fact that the weeks I don't pull a meal together, my friends just sit alone in their respective apartments and feel sorry for themselves. I think that's incredibly dumb. Couple this with the fact that I dislike hosting (it's expensive and stressful, I dislike cooking, and I'm an introvert who needs breaks from people), and resentment is starting to build in an unhealthy way. I can't host so frequently, especially when my friends don't host in the intervening weeks. But I also want to spend time with my friends on the Sabbath. What should I do?

—Perma-Hostess

Feel free to adjust the following email/text script depending on what degree of Nancy Mitford you’re willing to channel: “Darlings! I’m so excited to see you all next Friday—who’s game for hosting? If I have to so much as look at my oven one more time I’m going to scream, so my place is out, but I can’t wait to see all of your beautiful faces.”

I don’t, by the way, recommend demanding that other people host one as a rule, but when it’s a longstanding engagement between old friends, there’s no point in standing on ceremony. Lightly pointing out the hosting imbalance and letting it be known that you’re taking an extended vacation from meal prep is the best way to go here. Either your friends rise to the occasion and you have a lovely Sabbath dinner with them (that you didn’t have to prepare), or they dither and you can make alternate arrangements for yourself.

Dear Prudence: I think I’m in love with my ex-stepbrother.

Hear more Prudie at Slate.com/Prudiepod.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for 19 years and we have three sons together—two in college and one just starting high school. I started a relationship with another woman about nine months ago that was supposed to be just a one-time thing, but we fell in love (I know I’ve always had a thing for women). I’ve known her for three years. She has two wonderful daughters and is out as a lesbian. My sons all know their father and I are planning to get divorced. Of course they want us to work it out, but I’m in love with this woman. We connect like I never have with anyone else. I’m also in counseling and have been for six months.

I’m scared to come out to my children because I’m afraid I will lose them forever. I love my sons, but I’m torn because I want to be with this woman for real. She isn’t pressuring me to come out or to introduce her to my kids or the rest of my family and friends; she says when the time is right I’ll know. She’s been so patient and accepts me as I am. My children have told me that whoever their father or I date, they will treat that person horribly and “chase them away.” I know they’re just hurt about the separation, but I don’t want to lose my girlfriend. What can I do?

—Torn

The good news is that there are a lot of things you can do! You have, apparently, the support of your soon-to-be-ex-husband, who has done you and your children a real service by not sharing the details of your infidelity with them. You yourself are already in counseling, which is excellent, and your ex at least appears to have come to terms with the reality of your end of your marriage. I’ll put in my usual plug for PFLAG here, and encourage you to schedule a counseling appointment for at least the son who still lives at home. You can also encourage your older sons to join you and your ex for a few sessions of family counseling, if your ex is amenable. The rush of new love (especially after a lifetime of being in the closet) is enough to give anyone a little tunnel vision, so the challenge for you now will be to continue to make your children’s well-being a priority. Your sons are not going to be happy about the fact that you’ve found real love with someone who isn’t their father, so don’t expect them to be. That doesn’t mean you have to leave the woman you love if they don’t approve, but it does mean that you should continue to take your time when it comes to making any introductions.

The fact that you’re queer and the fact that your marriage has ended because you cheated on your husband and fell in love with someone else are two distinct conversations. One of them is necessary, and should be scheduled sooner rather than later; the other can wait and may or may not be age-appropriate for your youngest. Talk with your counselor and your co-parent about what a coming-out conversation with your children might look like. The two of you should do your best to present a united front when providing your kids with information about your divorce. You’ve only been with this woman for nine months, and under pretty dramatic circumstances. I’m not saying you two don’t stand a chance of making it in the long run, but there is absolutely no reason she needs to meet any of your children in the near future. Nor should you consider moving in with her anytime soon, especially if you and your ex-husband are going to share custody of your youngest son for the next four years. The key ingredients that will help you move into the next phase of your life are patience and time.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

I've lived with anxiety and depression for the past 25 years. I am high-functioning, but there are some days I struggle to get out of bed. Most days I win the battle and make it to work, where I am now a supervisor. I know I do a good job and feel I'm generally respected by my colleagues, but around once a month I can't resist the urge to spend the day in bed. I never do it when I'm truly needed at the office, so it's usually when I have some downtime that day. I think it's obvious to the people who report to me that I am taking mental health days, and I worry they are judging me negatively for it. Is there anything I can do to change this pattern or to help them understand my situation? I am on medication and have been in counseling off and on throughout my adult life. Nothing has helped with my problem of attendance at work.

—Occasionally Absentee

Let’s point out the obvious first: You’ve been able to become a supervisor, perform well at your job, and earn the respect of your peers, all while dealing with this intermittent torpor. It hasn’t held you back in that respect, and none of your own supervisors have expressed any concern about your ability to do your job. It’s not clear from your letter if you take the whole workday off on these days or whether you cobble together some method of working from bed. If it’s the latter, then as long as it’s in line with your company’s policy for working from home, I don’t think you need to worry about what your direct reports may or may not think about your reasons for not coming in to the office once a month. As long as you’re not interfering with their ability to get work done (say, by being unreachable and unable to address time-sensitive questions that only you can answer), I don’t think you should try to get your employees to understand your situation. It’s none of their business, and one of the prerogatives of being a manager is setting your own schedule—within reason—according to whatever you think will be the best use of your time.

If you’re using PTO during these days, once again, as long as it’s not in violation of your company’s sick leave policy, I think you can go easy on yourself. Twelve days out a year is higher than the national average, but it’s not unheard of for someone at a supervisory level. It’s great that you’re looking for ways to be more present at work and to minimize days where your depression spikes high enough that getting out of bed is an unrealistic goal.

Right now, it sounds like most of the criticism is coming from you—not your bosses and not the people you work with every day. You “think” they’re guessing the reason and silently judging you for it, but given that you’re generally respected by everyone and do a good job, I think that might be a mild case of projection. Whenever possible, if you can give your employees advance notice that you’ll either be taking a sick day or working from home and only reachable by email, that will help them work smoothly around your absence. In the meantime, don’t be harder on yourself than you have to be.

* * *

Dear Prudence,

I have a friend who recently became engaged to a man she has been dating less than a year. She met him at work, and he has been known to jump from woman to woman there. I’ve heard that her fiancé will date women in his office and then all of a sudden start ignoring them—speaking to everyone around them but giving them the silent treatment. One woman already quit her job over how he treated her. Another chewed him out but says she won’t give him the “satisfaction” of leaving. She was pregnant when he dropped her, and now she works right next to him (and has to watch him carry on with my friend).

I’ve tried to tell my friend how bad her situation is and to put herself in the other women’s shoes, but she feels like she has “won the prize.” In February they went on vacation together, broke up after my friend overheard one of his exes talking about him in the office bathroom, then got back together. In May he proposed. I think he is trying to justify his mistreatment of the previous woman by appearing to be over the top in love with my friend in a short amount of time. I don't want my friend to get hurt by bringing this man into her and her child's life, and I'm tired of hearing people call my friend dumb and stupid. What can I do?

—Worried

You have thoroughly convinced me that your friend is making a bad decision (and works at one of the most badly managed offices of all time). I imagine that’s fairly cold comfort, because you are trying to convince your friend that she is making a bad decision, and all the agreement from all the strangers in the world doesn’t seem likely to sway her from her course. If I thought your friend lacked useful information about her fiancé’s character, I might encourage you to share something, but she has been given a full-length oil painting’s worth of information about just how untrustworthy and selfish this guy is, and she still considers him a prize. (I realize this is not the point of your letter, but: Are any of these people getting any work done?) Your friend almost certainly will get hurt, and that’s very sad, but she seems pretty determined to let this guy hurt her. Since she’s an adult and he hasn’t demonstrated any signs of abuse—just varsity-level manipulation and likely infidelity—she gets to make that decision. You can, and should, make it clear just how much you disapprove of this guy, but you can’t force her to change her mind.

Nor can you keep others from talking about what a bad decision she’s making, because she is making a spectacularly, publicly bad decision. You don’t have to indulge them, of course—you can say “I’m not thrilled about this situation either, but Spliffany is my friend and I don’t want to run her down”—but my general advice to you is to get about 85 percent less involved with this entire situation. It’s hard to watch a good friend make bad decisions, but you aren’t helping her any by getting constant updates from her co-workers. Offer her loving but critical feedback as her friend, then back off. She’s determined to learn this one on her own.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence Columns

“Baby, Bumped: My husband refuses to have sex with me while I’m pregnant.”
“How Sweet It Almost Was: The man I loved for years has admitted he loved me too—but now we’re married to other people.”
“Try, Try Again: I haven’t been able to have a second child, but my husband won’t give up.”
“The Silent Sexuality: I’m bisexual, but my wife doesn’t want me to talk about it.”

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

“All Dogs Go to Heaven Anyway: Prudie advises a letter writer whose husband shot the neighbor’s dogs.”
“Lost to Lust: Prudie advises a woman who kicked her husband out for masturbating to a friend’s photo.”
“Swipe Wrong: Prudie advises a woman who hasn’t told her Tinder fling-turned-boyfriend that she has a child.”
“Thumbs Down: Prudie counsels a letter writer whose husband won’t stop picking up hitchhikers.”

Good Neighbors, Bad Religion

Mallory Ortberg — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 20:47:53 GMT

Mallory Ortberg: Happy short week, everyone! Let’s (briefly) chat.

Q. Loving, God-fearing neighbors try to be my grandkids’ religious influence: I am guardian for my four grandchildren, as their father was killed in a car accident last year. They live with me and next to my very kind and often helpful neighbors who like to have the children over to visit (they are really cute, sweet kids), which is fine most of the time. The neighbors are younger than we are and have taught the children to Rollerblade and play piano, and they generally have a grand time together. However, they are extremely religious, and while I don’t mind them reading Bible stories or singing kids’ hymns, they are starting to cross lines, such as telling the 5-year-old that Santa isn’t real (she still believed this last Christmas) and God doesn’t like Halloween because it is devil-worshipping. They also discourage the oldest one from dancing, telling her she’s “too old”—she’s 10. The kids visit one to two times a week, and it’s nice to have these wholesome folks take a real interest in them, but I don’t know how to tell them that the beliefs they hold, while fine for them, should not be discussed with the children. We don’t have a particular religion we practice—I was Catholic growing up but no longer observe—and I prefer the children not feel pressured this way. I don’t want the 5-year-old to feel bad because she wants to be a puppy on Halloween or the oldest to be told she isn’t behaving in a perfectly normal tween fashion. How can I express my concern without offending these folks and possibly ending our long-standing neighborly relationship?

A: “I really appreciate the interest you’ve taken in the children, and they always love getting to play at your house. I’d like to ask you to refrain from talking to the kids about your religious beliefs, especially when it comes to normal childhood milestones like dancing to music or going trick-or-treating. I respect your religious views, and I’d like you to respect mine and how I’m raising my children.” If their response to being asked not to indoctrinate your children is anything other than “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, of course,” that’s regrettable but is not because what you asked was rude or out of line. If they bristle, and you think the long-standing positive relationship outweighs their occasional saying something like “Halloween is for the devil,” then you can feel free to tell the children something like, “The Howells are lovely people, but I don’t share their beliefs—I think Halloween/dancing/Santa Claus is a lot of fun. What do you think?”

Q. Wedding invites for co-workers: I work in a small hair salon and am wondering if it’s rude to only invite some co-workers and not others. I want to invite everyone, but that would add a potential 30-plus to the guest list.

A: It is not rude to invite only some of your co-workers to your wedding. It is not rude to control your own wedding guest list! It’s your wedding, and you are paying for everything; you have the social freedom to invite anyone you like. It’s not like fourth grade on Valentine’s Day where you have to bring cards for the entire class. It’s understood that time and money limit guest lists, and your co-workers will understand.

Q. Friend’s new girlfriend: I have a good friend who I have had feelings for for a long time. I know he doesn’t feel the same and have accepted it and been supportive of him finding new love. I have been casually dating, but the feelings remain. Every time he introduces me to a new girl, he is seeing she hates me and throws a fit about how she knows something is going on between us behind her back and he dumps her thinking she is jealous and he doesn’t have time for it.

I am out of state this summer, and recently he met a wonderful girl and told me she is the one. It’s likely I won’t meet her till school starts up in the fall, and I want him to be happy, but the feelings for him remain. What is the best way to deal with this? Avoid meeting her so she doesn’t catch on that I have feelings for him? How do I hide my feelings for him when I think they will be so obvious to her? Help.

A: This is a friendship with some pretty significant inherent limitations! There should be no rush to meet his girlfriend, and there’s no reason why you should be looking to increase the time you spend with either of them. If you’re interested in conquering these feelings for your friend and moving on emotionally so you can actually be emotionally available for a romantic relationship of your own, I think you should be looking to limit the time you spend with him (and whomever he happens to be dating at the time) for the foreseeable future. That doesn’t mean you have to throw him out of your life, but this current pattern—you’re into him, he’s not into you, but you are (directly or indirectly) throwing a repeated wrench into his dating relationships—doesn’t sound fun for either of you. Keep your distance, be polite and friendly when and if you meet her, and focus on your other friendships for a while. The current arrangement can’t be much fun for you.

Q. Future father-in-law: I’m getting married in September to wonderful, kind man. The only problem is that I can’t stand my future father in-law. He is 80 and widowed, and my husband is his only child. Right now, he is physically and mentally able to live on his own. However, neither of them seems to have a plan for what will happen as he ages and, beyond his (thankfully) paid-off hoarder house, the dad has few resources. The idea of my father in-law ever living with us is horrifying. He has no respect for boundaries or personal space and literally tells the same hourlong story over and over. At the same time, I don’t want to ever make my husband sacrifice his family and sense of obligation for me. Right now, I’m just hoping that it never comes to that, but that seems like a bad premise to enter into a marriage with.

A: Talk about this with your future husband! The time to bring this up is right now, before you two get married. The fact that your soon-to-be father-in-law is going to get older is not a surprise, and nothing good will come from putting this conversation off. Talk to your fiancé about what both are and aren’t prepared to do. You can visit with a financial planner, research assisted living in your father-in-law’s hometown, and/or set aside some money to help with at-home care in the future. There are plenty of options besides waiting for some health crisis to strike and then taking him in under emotional duress. The time you spend strategizing with your partner now will enable you to make clear-eyed decisions in the future.

Q. Health scare: I’m having a health scare. It’s lots of excruciating waiting and tests. I’m trying to not let this rule my life and understand things do march on, but I’d like some more consideration from my live-in boyfriend. He is pretty much business-as-usual, including spending all night playing rec-league sports the evening before I had a series of invasive and scary tests.

He gets angry when I insinuate he doesn’t care, but he doesn’t understand why choosing to play softball all night before a major scary thing for me and leaving me home to deal with all the chores and the dog isn’t even baseline supportive. I know I need to plainly state what I want, but I’m more hurt that it didn’t even occur to him to proactively cancel some optional things to be more present while I go through this. Am I being unfair?

A: Good Lord, no. This isn’t one of those situations where two people simply have different communication styles or different preferences about where to get dinner—this is one of those defining-moment, fundamental-test-of-character times, and your boyfriend is absolutely blowing it. Someone who loves and cares for you is not going to say, “Good luck with that battery of medical tests in the morning, babe! Also, good luck with the sink full of dirty dishes and the unwalked dog tonight; I’ve got some pretty urgent softball to attend to.” This is worth having a pretty major fight over, and it’s worth reconsidering what you think of your boyfriend’s character if he doesn’t realize how seriously he’s failing you right now.

Q. Facebook event invitations: I am in my early 30s and grew up with Facebook. I do use it to keep in touch with friends and message them. However, I am noticing a trend over the last two to three years: the event invite via Facebook. I interpret this to mean they didn’t want to bother calling or texting or emailing me to invite me. It just seems lazy to me. Do you think I am overreacting? Is there a way to get people to call me to invite me? For our baby’s first birthday party this April I sent invitations in the mail. Am I too old-fashioned?

A: Sending invitations in the mail (especially for a first birthday party) are definitely old-school, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with being old-school—as long as you realize that not everyone else is going to follow the same custom. Facebook invitations are pretty standard-issue these days, especially for less formal events like barbecues and Friday night movie screenings. It doesn’t strike me as being a great deal lazier than texting; it’s more like a particular efficient mass-mailing system. If you like, you can always call the host in question to confirm, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that other people are going to stop using Facebook to set the guest lists for a backyard party or informal after-work drinks.

Q. How to train my boss: I’ve worked at a small nonprofit for more than a decade under the same boss, “Bob.” Bob’s an effective administrator but has issues speaking to people. He reprimands employees with phrases like “You’re not listening” if someone isn’t looking directly at him (for example, if the person is checking his notes but clearly still paying attention) or “You’re not too observant, are you?” He’s even snapped, “No, you’re not!” after an employee said he was sorry. Unfortunately, this has caused several employees—mostly younger ones—to quit. They find such speech demeaning; I agree. I’ve tried to address this with him, but he dismisses it as “oversensitivity.” The turnover has come to the attention of our board of directors, and they’ve asked me to speak privately at next month’s meeting. How do I address this fairly and compassionately? Is there some kind of training you could recommend? I want to suggest a positive solution while acknowledging the unacceptable behavior. My fear is they’re looking to terminate Bob. I’m technically next in line for his position (which I DON’T want), and that complicates things. Also, he does a great job in other capacities, and it’d be a loss to the organization to lose him. Help!

A: I think you’ve done your level best to help Bob! How fitting that it seems like he’s the one who can’t listen to direct feedback about how his management style is interfering with employee retention. If you genuinely believe his value to the company outweighs this bad habit and that retraining rather than letting him go should be the next move, then take the opportunity to say so when you’re asked to speak privately with the board (assuming that’s actually what they want to talk with you about). That said, keeping his job is ultimately up to Bob. If the board decides that his harsh management style and high turnover rates are a serious enough issue to contemplate firing him, and he continues to respond to any suggestions as “oversensitivity,” then letting him go might end up being the most positive possible solution. The fact that you’re not interested in replacing him is a separate issue. You don’t have to accept any promotions you’re offered, if in fact they do offer you his job, so don’t let fear of being forced into a position you don’t want dictate your actions now. Make your recommendation to the board, and let Bob decide whether or not he’s willing to change his management style in order to keep his job.

Q. Is it ever OK to ask about someone’s orientation?: Generally, it would never cross my mind to ask a question about somebody’s sexuality, but there was a kid who lived across the street, “Danny,” who would hang out with my kids a lot, and I was pretty sure for years that he’s gay. This would be none of my business, except that while his parents seemed quite nice (I didn’t know them well due to a language barrier) they also spent tons of time at church, so I worried that things might not go well if/when he came out, and I had mentally reserved a spot on my couch for him just in case things went south. Then they moved away. A while later my oldest told me that Danny’s cousin had told him that Danny was indeed gay. But by then we’d lost touch with the family, so I just hoped everything went well. Then I ran into Danny and his mom at the grocery store and was happy to see them laughing together, so I stopped worrying.

But I have two younger kids, so I’m going to have contact with a lot of random neighborhood kids for the next 10 years. What do I do if something like this comes up again? It bothered me to think of Danny maybe feeling scared and alone. Or worse. While I wouldn’t ever have tortured him by sitting him down and trying to pry into all his innermost feelings, I would have wanted briefly be able to tell him that he had my support if he needed it. Once, when a bunch of kids was in my van I heard one call another one gay, and coincidentally Danny was there, too. I pulled over to give a speech about how gay is never, ever an insult. So I guess that was a positive message for him, but was that enough? And to be clear, by kids I mean teenagers; I would never talk to somebody else’s young child about anything remotely sexual. Thoughts?

A: You’re right to want to strike a balance between making yourself known as a safe adult to come out to while not collaring teenagers and asking them if they’re gay before they’re ready to talk about it. I think you did a great job responding to a homophobic insult in an age-appropriate way and making it clear that you were supportive of gay people. I don’t think your obligation to Danny (or any other possibly gay) neighborhood kid extends any further than that.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks for the truncated chat, everyone! Have a great rest of the week, and see you all back here next Monday.

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Help! My Closeted Ex Pretends We Never Even Dated.

Mallory Ortberg — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 19:35:56 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. No closure: A year ago, I, a woman in my early 30s, started getting close to a co-worker. We would hang out in my room and slowly also became physically intimate, even though we never had sex. This was all new to her. We spent most days together like this for about six months, though she insisted she wanted this to be private. She is not out, and I never discuss my private life with my colleagues.

Before she moved, I sent her an email trying to discuss our relationship, but she never responded. She returned to town for a week a few months after I last saw her but never wrote to me. This has been a year now.

I know I should move on—but why is it so hard? I genuinely adored her, and my most favorite places in town have all these memories with her. It’s honestly hard to go to some places, even though we never officially dated—which makes me feel stupid and ridiculous.

I’ve written to her a few times since to see how she is, or if we can maybe talk: no response. I want to be respectful of her even though I feel so hurt by her just ghosting me like this. Our time together to me was really important. I would rather she just wrote to tell me she hated me all along than this absolute silence. I cannot understand it. What to do without any kind of closure? Is there even such a thing as closure?

A: It’s hard because you loved this woman and not only did she break up with you, she’s unwilling to acknowledge either publicly or privately that you two were ever in a relationship. Which, by the way, you were; part of the reason you feel so overwhelmed right now is because you did date her for half a year but don’t have the social support that comes from a publicly acknowledged breakup. Breakups are hard to deal with, full stop; dealing with a breakup with someone who pretends you two never meant more to one another than good friends or co-workers feels like losing touch with reality.

Part of what you want from her now is an acknowledgment that what happened between the two of you was real and that she remembers it, but she’s clearly not able to give that to you. That’s painful and bewildering, but you can’t continue to contact her to ask for something she’s not capable of giving. She’s conflicted and closeted and wants to pretend nothing ever happened between you two, and that’s probably how it’s going to be for the foreseeable future. It’s painful, but you can’t drag an admission out of her.

Talk to your friends about it. You don’t have to identify her by name if you’re worried about outing her, but you absolutely have the right to discuss your own personal life. Talk to a queer-friendly therapist, or write a letter that you’re never going to send explaining why you’re so hurt and confused. Your feelings of confusion and devastation are totally understandable, but they’re not sufficient cause to contact her again. You will never be able to draw water from that well.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

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Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
I need counsel on how to deal with a persistently creepy colleague in the arts community who styles himself my “fan.” Happily, I don’t have to see him daily, but he sends me regular (unanswered!) emails and messages that make my skin crawl. Part of the trouble is that they aren’t exactly creepy stalker emails; he is trying to make it seem like an ongoing, two-sided conversation and an appeal to our shared artistic interests—and there are people in our circle who seem fine with him.

Recently, he has begun to use my professional achievements as pretexts to make contact and seems to be trying to force a response. For instance, after congratulating me in person for a promotion in a sexist way, he sent me a lengthy email explaining why he was perfectly in the right. (I had never mentioned my pique to him; in fact, I seldom engage with him in any way.) Here’s a sample:

I suppose I imagined that I am (and here I’ll cautiously opt for a term conveying banality) a “fan.” I don’t think I’ve ever hidden my interest or admiration. Besides finding myself particularly susceptible to your beauty, our conversations (though very infrequent) always feel light and pleasing—delightful, in the mildest of terms. Of course, as human beings, I know we are all rather awful in one way or another, and that will be as true of you as me or anyone else ... and considering that, in our vulnerability and foolishness we so frequently misrepresent ourselves and misrepresent others (I am certainly guilty of all too often seeing and then unfairly concentrating upon the negative shadows of self that others attempt to hide) given that I know how difficult communication is at the best of times, I should probably have simply called you by your first name.

Prudie, I just want you to give me a screed to send to this guy! If you don’t think I should respond in that way (or in any way), though, I would be grateful for your thoughts.

—Not a Fan

I think it’s fine to respond! It sounds like previously your strategy has been to offer a polite brushoff (the weak smile, the nervous laugh followed by the quick exit, the never-answered email), and he hasn’t gotten the hint, so go ahead and tell him straight out that you don’t appreciate his flowery come-ons. It might feel tempting to come up with a really withering put-down that punctures every last one of his ridiculous pretensions, but I think the more generic and inert your response, the better. He’s developed a fantasy relationship with you in his head, and he’s not going to let go once he feels like he’s gotten a taste of your intellectual engagement, even if it’s only to tear him down. An email that matches one of his in terms of length and intensity would frankly delight him—he’s a real Pepé Le Pew type, and I have no doubt he would call you “fiery” or “feisty” and redouble his efforts to win you over if you spent much time on a screed. Be clear, but boring: “I’m not interested in getting more emails from you along these lines. Please stop.”

The likeliest response to this, by the way, will be something along the lines of, “My lady, I am shocked, shocked that you interpreted my profound appreciation for your work and your personal charms in any way as a come-on. You and I are above such terms—we meet as Dante and Beatrice do, in Paradise. Allow me to explain/justify/further trespass upon your patience and time.” This is nonsense, of course, and is solely to help him save face. Feel free to ignore it. He’s not a co-worker you have to get along with, he’s not someone who might hire you someday—he’s just a time-waster and a boor who happens to work vaguely in the same corner of the professional world as you do. Set his emails to auto-delete and feel free to snub him at parties (“Excuse me, I see someone I’ve got to speak with; have a great evening”). Turn down his attempts to engage you in conversation. Say no. Excuse yourself and walk away from him. You say he makes your skin crawl, which suggests he’s been getting away with pretty next-level rudeness and overfamiliarity for an awfully long time. Allow yourself to be merely mildly rude in return.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I used to be very porn-positive before having children. After giving birth it was like a switch was flipped, and I went from enjoying it to being disgusted by it. So now I just don’t watch it, but it’s bleeding into my feelings about my husband’s relationship with it. It makes me tremble and turns my stomach, and I’m constantly in fear of stumbling upon him while he’s watching it. I know that the problem is mine, that I have to change my own reaction and can’t change his consumption, so how do I begin to do that?

—Suddenly Porn-Negative

I think that you should go a little bit easier on yourself! That’s not to say you should give in to these stomach-turning impulses, merely that you should give yourself credit for being aware that this sudden change is not wholly rational. You seem to be doing your best under a series of circumstances that are more than a little bewildering and seemingly outside of your control. It’s worth remembering (as I’m sure you are no doubt aware) that pregnancy brings with it a whole host of physical and hormonal changes, many of them jarring and unexpected, not all of which immediately resolve themselves after childbirth. With regards to the porn thing—I don’t think it’s at all unfair to say, “Darling, beloved, father of my child, I am feeling unusually distressed and sensitive to the prospect of accidentally walking in on you watching porn. I do not think I will feel this way for the rest of my life, and I’m aware that it’s not a very conscious reaction, so as a gesture of appreciation for me, I’d really appreciate it if you would be extra careful about covering your tracks and being discreet for the time being. It would mean a lot to me and make me feel loved, and I thank you for it.”

If in addition to the thing itself, if part of what you require right now is a little (or even more than a little) extra reassurance from your husband that he loves you, desires you, and is committed to you, then you can and should ask for that too.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are expecting our first baby and are happy to share the news with family and friends, but not the world at large. My husband has an unbalanced ex-wife who stalked both of us while we were dating until we got a restraining order—which she violated when she showed up at our wedding uninvited in a white dress. She found out where the ceremony was by sending friend requests to our older, less tech-savvy relatives and getting the details from them. We have since moved states and jobs, and haven’t heard from her in two years, but I am still terrified. She was childless and delusional, and I still have nightmares about waking up to an empty crib or being attacked.

My problem is my mother, who posts everything on Facebook, including my pregnancy announcement. She deleted it after I freaked out, but she’s unhappy with my general policy of me not wanting to post anything online about my as-yet-unborn child. I plan to mail physical photos of my baby to our family and close friends when the time comes, but my mother brings up all of her friends who posts photos online of their grandchildren all the time. She says I am worried over nothing and it’s draining to argue with her. My husband is ready to ban her from visiting altogether, but I want my mom with me when my baby is born. How can I get this across to her?

—Pregnancy Pause

Your trepidation is understandable, and what you’re asking of your mother is not especially difficult. Slightly out of the ordinary for her peer group, perhaps, but not so restrictive that it makes it impossible for her to engage in and enjoy having a grandchild. Since arguing hasn’t worked with your mother, I suggest you merely explain, in the simplest possible terms, what you require of her: “I know you don’t agree that there’s a serious risk in posting pictures of our child online. I’m not asking you to agree with me. Based on the fact that this woman has, in the past, used our relatives’ social media accounts in order to find and harass my husband and me, I don’t feel safe sharing pictures of our child online. This may not be possible forever, but at least for right now, we have a firm no-Facebook policy when it comes to baby photos. You don’t have to approve of our decision, but you do have to respect it. If you can’t agree to that, then I can’t share photos of my child with you. Is being able to upload a photo album to Facebook really that important to you?”

For what it’s worth, I hope you are able to see a therapist if you are still experiencing nightmares about this woman on a regular basis. You may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and help is available for managing your symptoms. That’s not to say you need to (or even will be able to!) simply “get over” what you went through, but that there’s a balance to be struck between reasonable caution and constant, gut-wrenching panic. The former can help keep you safe. The latter will hurt you.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
When I was 10 years old, my younger sister and I were molested by an older boy whose family was good friends with ours. I didn’t tell my parents and suffered intense guilt for years, believing it was my fault. My sister found the courage to tell our parents five years later. Our church community didn’t believe us—until that boy tried to rape the pastor’s teenage daughter later. He went to jail and we moved on with our lives. One month ago Facebook suggested this same man as a possible friend on the “People you may know section.” Morbidly curious, I click on his page, which wasn’t set to private, and I saw pictures of him with the girl he is dating, along with her young son.

Do I send this woman a Facebook message and tell her what happened? She will probably think I am some crazy person making up lies. But I would absolutely want to know if my own boyfriend had a history of molesting children, especially if I had a child of my own. I don’t plan on following this guy for the rest of his life and warning prospective girlfriends, but now that I know what I know, I don’t want her innocent child to go through what my sister and I did. We survived and turned out OK, but this little boy may not be so lucky. What do I do?

—Do I Warn Her?

There’s a case to be made for letting someone who has served his time attempt to move on with his life after paying his debt to society. However, there are several mitigating factors here that incline me to agree you should tell his girlfriend. First, you’re not attempting to disrupt this man’s ability to make a living or find affordable housing (which might increase the likelihood of his reoffending). Second, your abuser was a repeat offender, and was only caught after attempting to rape at the very least a third victim. Third, you don’t have to provide a stranger with personal information about your own abuse—you can simply send her a link to an article about his arrest and conviction, although if you want to share your own experience with her, you certainly can. Whether or not she decides to stay with him in light of the information you provide her with is up to her.

You are not trying to force anyone to do anything, and with those conditions in place, I can understand why you might feel led to speak up. You should of course prepare yourself for the possibility of either no response or a negative response from her, and do your best to act without regard for the outcome. Whether you say anything or not, I think it’s also a good idea to pre-emptively block your abuser on Facebook so that you don’t have to worry about his face popping up as a suggestion in your feed again.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My partner and I got together last July. We were very much in love and seemed to be a good long-term fit for one another’s lives. They were sensitive, kind, and witty, which was a winning combination for me. However, in recent months they have been increasingly irritable and critical. I’m very uncomfortable with angry behavior, in large part due to childhood trauma, which my partner is aware of. It seems like they are always unhappy, and nothing I do makes a difference.

My partner is very concerned with order—they don’t like dishes in the sink, and everything has to be spotless, with every tiny little thing in place, at all times. I’m admittedly bad at remembering such things, but no matter how hard I try to improve, it doesn’t seem like enough. My partner is often critical and accusatory, and I rarely see any behavior from them that makes me feel loved. It seems my partner thinks that providing materially (home-cooked meals, supplies for a hobby I enjoy, taking trips, etc.) means I should have no reason to be unhappy. I do appreciate these things, but I don’t feel connected to my partner anymore. We’ve talked about this many times and I don’t seem to get anywhere with them. It makes me feel neglected and unheard. I’m wondering if it’s something either of us is doing wrong, or if perhaps we’re just not as right for one another as we initially thought. Is it time to end this one?

—Is My Relationship Over?

I can’t think of a single reason for you to stay in this relationship. You’ve barely been together a year, and already you feel neglected, unheard, unappreciated, disconnected, and ignored. Worse still, you’ve told your partner this repeatedly and gotten nowhere. You ask if “either of us is doing wrong,” and the answer seems pretty clear: yes. Your partner doesn’t think you’re “allowed” to be unhappy as long as they keep you fed and stocked with knitting supplies. They might have been delightful last July, but it doesn’t sound like they’re able to keep up the “sensitive, kind, and witty” act for longer than a few months. Normally when I get a letter like this, there’s a little more ambiguity involved—maybe they’ve been involved for 15 years and don’t want to walk away from a lifetime of memories, or have children together, or have more good times to contrast with the current difficult period, but that’s not the case here. I’m not sure why you’re torn about dumping this person.

Everyone is capable of acting badly under stress, but the kind of partner who’s worth keeping around will actually seek to connect with you more and better during difficult times. They won’t just see you as a convenient outlet for all their frustrations and unmet expectations. Look for someone who treats you well and respects your feelings even when things get tough. That person definitely isn’t your partner.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Last year, a cousin contacted me out of the blue while I was doing genealogical research. We exchanged addresses, emails, pictures, and documents, helping me to break down the brick wall I’d run into and trace our family all the way back. I eagerly told my family about this new cousin, and they were excited to see the family pictures she sent. I suggested that we get together so we could exchange stories and she could meet everyone. She replied and suggested to try this summer. I sent emails trying to coordinate time, place (she lives in another state), and whose hometown. No reply. A few months ago, all communication stopped. I sent her emails asking if she was OK, what was going on, and if she still wanted to keep communicating. Silence. I’ve never had this experience before in meeting new relatives, only to have them disappear. Was I “ghosted” by a relative?

—Suddenly Abandoned

Yes. I’m sorry. I have no idea why. Maybe she was hit by a car and has spent weeks in the hospital recuperating; maybe something painful and unexpected come up in her personal life and she’s been inordinately distracted; maybe you said something that mortally offended her. Maybe she has an excellent reason, or maybe she had no reason at all. But you have definitely been ghosted—I can categorically confirm that much—and you will have to move on under the assumption that you will not hear from her again. Try not to take it to heart.

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Time to Get Away?

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 27 Jun 2017 12:15:00 GMT

Q. Vacation squabbles: My husband and I had a tiff recently, and although I already apologized and assumed the blame, I need a neutral opinion before my brain will let this rest. The argument began after I suggested we try hiking the Appalachian Trail in weeklong chunks. He said he’d like to try that, but he wouldn’t be willing to use one of his vacation weeks, and he’d like to do a more elaborate trip with his vacation time. I then asked if he would be all right with me going backpacking with some friends instead, since I am a teacher and have all summer off and plenty of time to do it all. He was hurt that I would want to go on a fun trip without him and felt that it was selfish of me to want to go out and do something we would both enjoy while he was stuck at work. I said that of course I would rather go with him, but if he can’t go, I would still like to have the experience. His compromise in the end was that we could alternate choosing our yearly vacation destination and if I chose backpacking, then so be it. Of course, I would probably not choose backpacking in the U.S. if we had the opportunity go abroad, and he knows it, which means this trip will probably never happen. Am I being selfish for wanting to do it all?

A: I don’t think either of you is being entirely reasonable, but the good news is that there’s plenty of room in the middle. If you’re contemplating spending the majority of your summer hiking various portions of the Appalachian Trail with the occasional return home to shower and resupply then, yes, I can understand your husband’s reluctance to sign off on the idea. But I also can’t imagine begrudging a partner the very idea of an occasional solo trip with friends just because he or she might have fun solo. I think you should argue the case for a compromise with your husband—there’s no reason you can’t take a weeklong trip somewhere exciting together while also planning a backpacking excursion with some friends for a three- or four-day weekend for yourself later on.

Q. Should I have my first time with a friend?: I’m traveling for college at the end of the summer, and I’m still a virgin. I had many boyfriends during the past years but never had sex with any of them—not because I wasn’t ready, but because it just didn’t happen. Last summer I met someone, and we went on several dates but at the end had an on-and-off friends-with-benefits relationship. Right now I feel ready to have sex with him, but since it’s my first time and since he’s not my boyfriend, I’m scared I’m going to regret it when I get older. I really want to have sex; not because everyone is doing it—or else I would’ve done it a long time ago—I just can’t stop thinking about it and feel more than ready.

A: I think “really wanting to have sex” is a pretty good reason to have sex! I can’t promise you that you’ll never regret any of the choices you make now when you get older, but I’m reasonably certain that it’s impossible to make any decisions based on the odds that you might change your mind about it later. You don’t know how you’ll feel about it later! For what it’s worth, absent any issues of coercion or serious complications, most sexually active adults don’t spend a lot of time wishing they could change the circumstances of the first time they had sex. That’s not to say it never happens, merely that however you spend your first time, it isn’t going to set the tone of your future romantic life. If you trust this guy, and you feel more than ready to have sex, then go for it! If you decide you’d rather wait, that’s fine too. Whatever choice you make right now isn’t necessarily going to be perfect and regrets-free, but that’s all a part of the delightful cost-benefit analysis (and paralyzing self-scrutiny) that comes with being an adult.

Q. Relationship at work problem: My significant other and I work at the same company but in different departments. I have been experiencing envy in a way that is detrimental to our relationship. She is young, been working here for four years, and has seen a promotion and outrageous raise every year she has been here. She has a relative in a high position at the company and has had the chance to work with certain people who have given her more opportunities than most here. I have been struggling to get out of my entry-level position for two years to no avail. Long story short, last year I wanted to apply for a new position within the company but was blocked for political reasons, and she got the job with no prior qualifications other than being familiar with the company and the person who hired her. She is getting all the skills, knowledge, salary increases, and networking opportunities to set her in a promising direction, while my own boss seems to be doing everything she can to prevent me from learning anything (while at the same time praising my work). It has caused a bitter rift between us, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I know leaving this company is a step in the right direction, but now I see my significant other as the competition, and it frustrates me to no end that she is “winning.” I worked hard at a graduate degree at an Ivy League institution while she went to a humdrum state school. I know that if the universe were a fair place, our situations would be reversed, but it isn’t. How can I work toward letting this go before it ruins what we have?

A: I am not nearly as confident as you are that in a wholly fair universe you and your girlfriend would swap places! I am also not confident that this attitude of yours has not already started ruining what you two have, especially if you consider the fact that you went to an Ivy League to be some sort of evidence that you deserve to best a mere state-school graduate for the rest of your life. That’s the sort of misguided sense of entitlement that makes a person sound like a villainous boyfriend from Gilmore Girls, and is not going to serve you well in life. I suggest abandoning it.

Your girlfriend’s success is not coming at your expense. You two are not, and never have been, in direct competition with each other, especially since she works in a different department, and if you continue to think of her as somehow “beating” you by being recognized and promoted at her job, it will only serve to further distract you from finding a solution to your actual problems. It’s good that you are starting to recognize that any solution will necessarily have to begin with letting go of this irrational resentment, but I’m troubled that you still seem committed to some sort of belief that you objectively deserve what your girlfriend has. Maybe you weren’t blocked from that promotion for purely political reasons. You might also have a genuinely bad boss, but I’m guessing that if any hint of the attitude from your letter shows up in the way you treat other people at work, there’s a reason you’re not being promoted. Focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself, whether that’s applying for other jobs outside your company, finding a mentor, asking some of your colleagues for advice on how you could be doing your current job better, seeing a therapist, or even just starting every day by reminding yourself that professional success is not a zero-sum game and having graduated from Boat Shoes Academy is not a guarantee of anything.

Q. Door closed: I love my sister. She is a dear woman, but her children are shameless users. I live in a very popular city, near my parents as they age. I often play host to the rest of the family for holidays and when they are in town. All the grandchildren are grown or near so. My sister’s offspring are the only ones without even a modicum of common courtesy or self-reflection. Collectively they have inability to clean up after themselves, offer any thanks, or think about anything but their own desires.

I have bitten my tongue about their bringing over guests I didn’t know about or ruining my good towels with hair dye for my parents’ sake. They adore their grandchildren. My nieces stayed over several days but had made plans to meet their grandparents for dinner. My parents dressed up, went to the restaurant, and waited. My mother called me worried the girls were dead in a ditch. I checked their Instagram. They decided to ditch their grandparents to go to the beach with friends.

I told my parents the truth, and then packed the girls’ bags and left them on the porch with a message they needed to drive home. After the rest of the family found out, they closed their doors. These particular nieces and nephews are welcomed at family events but will have to stay in hotels and eat out. My sister is very upset. We have complained about the children’s behavior before, and there is always an excuse, but a teenager is not a toddler. I need to know how to handle my sister. She keeps bringing up the subject, and the truth is not going to change.

A: “Stop bringing up the subject. It’s not going to change. I’m not going to convince our parents—or anyone else in the family—that any of us are required to host your grown children if they can’t meet the basic level of self-awareness and politeness necessary for guests to observe. I’m not going to discuss this again with you; your children can make their own travel arrangements without you.”

Q. Re: Vacation squabbles: I believe she only wanted to spend one week hiking this summer, and he objected because it was something fun and he’d theoretically want to do it as well. The guy sounds selfish. She said she “apologized” but can’t “rest” her brain. There’s a reason for that! He is being unfair and she should not feel guilty advocating for herself.

A: Yeah, the premise of the trip felt unclear enough that I don’t want to assume bad faith on the husband’s part, but if he objects to the mere idea of her having a good time without him, then that’s definitely a problem. You should want your partner to have a good time without you sometimes, because that person is a whole person who deserves happiness extrinsic to his or her relationship with you! That’s why we like it when our partners leave the house and have outside friendships and don’t wall them up inside our wine-cellars like a Vestal Virgin who has violated her oath to Hestia.

Q. Appropriate to offer to babysit for co-worker?: My husband and I moved across the country six months ago, and we both really miss my young nephews. My husband has co-workers who have kids. Would it be too freaky to offer to babysit them? We’re not ready for kids of our own yet but miss that occasional silly play time.

A: This is the most easy and delightful question I have gotten all day. Yes, you and your husband should offer to babysit his co-workers’ kids if you want to! You and your husband would get some low-investment fun playing with a few little guys, his co-workers would get a night out, and sweetness and light would be spread everywhere. There is nothing “freaky” about offering to babysit the children of someone you know. It is so far from freaky, in fact, that people often pay would-be babysitters money for doing so.

Q. Re: Relationship at work problem: Your girlfriend has been at the company for four years, and you have been there for only two (if I am reading your post correctly). That carries way more weight in a company than degrees you got before you started there. (Degrees help you enter a company at a higher level but then lose most of their benefit once you are in the job.) It’s no surprise she is getting opportunities because she has more seniority there.

A: Very worth bearing in mind! It’s also just rarely helpful to compare the progress of your career to someone else’s, especially someone else who doesn’t even have the same job. It’s a waste of time to think, “My girlfriend has gotten X and Y opportunities that may or may not have been merited.” It’s extremely helpful and practical to think, “I want to accomplish X, and plan on doing Y and Z in order to set myself up for success.”

Q. Sibling omission: Throughout my childhood, my older brother abused me sexually and physically. It wasn’t until after he left the house that I was able to communicate what was going on and begin to get a handle on how to move on. Now as an adult, I am occasionally asked by new acquaintances, co-workers, and friends about my family members. For such a ubiquitous line of conversation, I struggle with the right answer. I have alternated between saying a misleading “I’m the only daughter” or “I’m an only child” to avoid additional questions or stating “I have an older brother,” usually followed up with “We are estranged” to not invite any further questions. I’m thrown by how to answer it in a truthful way that doesn’t include me acknowledging him.

I am currently in the process of moving and anticipating the “get to know you” small talk all over the place. What’s the best way to answer this innocuous question? Is it OK to lie for my peace of mind?

A: It is absolutely OK for you to lie about this. The nature of your estrangement from your brother is deeply painful, and if you’re at all concerned that you won’t be able to answer distressing follow-up questions with equanimity, please feel enormously free to say, “I’m an only child” to anyone who asks. You don’t have to discuss your brother with anyone you don’t want to, and it’s an unfortunate reality that one can say “I have a family member, but we don’t speak” and what other people hear is “Please ask me extremely personal questions about why that is. Feel free to heavily imply that I ought to reconcile with him, too, despite not knowing either of us.”

Q. Re: Vacation squabbles: This letter hits home, because my husband and I had the same squabble last week. He gets a pretty epic amount of vacation time, and it’s use-it-or-lose-it. I ... do not. And because of major surgeries and health scares between myself and both my parents, what little time I have gotten over the past year was used up. Last week I also had terrific insomnia, I was exhausted, I desperately needed a break I couldn’t take—and that was when my husband told me cheerfully that he was taking off three weeks this summer. I lost it. It’s totally not his fault of course—he earns his vacation and should take it—but it was like dancing around a starving child while eating a sandwich. Ugh.

The solution we worked out is that we would put aside extra money, and I would take unpaid leave with him. Obviously this wouldn’t work for most people for a whole summer, but a week or two is doable with some planning.

A: Sounds like a healthy compromise.

Q. I lied to my mom ... how do I keep lying so I don’t get in trouble?: Last year, my mom was going through a rough time. She was depressed, and she came to me and said that she wanted to try her hand at writing. I write fan fiction, and my stuff is pretty good. So I created an account for her, and we published her writing as a fanfic. It didn’t do well. No follows, no favorites, no reviews. I didn’t want her to give up on her dream, so I created a few fake accounts and wrote a few reviews, followed her story. She was so happy. But then after a while she wondered why her number of readers wasn’t going up. So I showed her my page and pretended my readers were hers. I have more than a thousand readers, and she got extremely happy.

This went on for some time. She kept writing, and I kept posting her stuff. I kept writing and posting my stuff. My number of readers went higher and higher. Hers didn’t. Now she wants to get her story published. I wouldn’t mind, except she keeps mentioning the number of readers that she already has. I’m trying really hard not to panic, but I’m sure that I’m going to get caught. People are going to read it, and they’re going to tell her that it isn’t good. Then she’s going to bring up the number of fans that she thinks she already has, and they won’t believe her, then she’ll show them and the truth will come out and then she’s going to hate me and I don’t want her to hate me. How do I get out of this?

A: First, the good news: Generally, if someone has written a bad novel/short story/fan fiction, they will not be told “You have written something bad.” They will be met with silence, and politeness, and unreturned emails. If someone does read your mother’s work, gives her some painfully honest feedback, and she says, “But many people read my fan fiction”—they are not going to respond by saying, “That’s impossible; someone must be lying to you.” They will say some polite variation on, “Well, there’s no accounting for taste; this just wasn’t for me. Best of luck with your project.” No one, I can promise you, is going to pull up your mother’s A03 account and demand an immediate audit of her readers. Your subterfuge is safe, at least for the moment.

The downside of that, obviously, is that your mom is going to experience some disappointment if she wants to pursue her dream of getting published, and it sounds like it’s really difficult for you to refrain from intervening if it looks like your mom is about to be disappointed. That’s a laudable impulse, but it’s one you’re going to have to start checking. You cannot keep this up indefinitely. You cannot start your own vanity press and disguise yourself as a publisher who loves your mother’s work and pay for a national book tour just to protect your mother from hearing “Sorry, it’s not for us.” So start to wean your mother off of your professional support. You can offer her a tutorial in managing her own page so that she doesn’t need your technical support every time she wants to update her work. If she says, “This story seems way less popular than my last one—I wonder why,” just say, “Huh! That happens sometimes.” I don’t recommend confessing your well-intentioned ruse, as that would be needlessly upsetting to you both, and because it will be so much easier for you to simply drop all the extra work you’ve been doing.

Mallory Ortberg: That’s it for this week, everyone! May all of your homes be temperate and your roommates mindful of the utility bills.

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If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Open and Closed

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 26 Jun 2017 20:29:48 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: I hope everyone is sufficiently rested and hydrated after Pride! I myself am writing this from a supine position on a divan. Perhaps later I will work up the energy to peel a single grape.

Q. How do I do it?: My son came out to me as bisexual about 10 months ago. On the one hand, I do not love him any less and want to see him happy. On the other hand, I really want him to be happy in a heterosexual relationship. I know that the choice is his and his alone to make and I’m being supportive but societal judgment/gay-bashing/targeting IS real and I fear for his safety. In the crazy world in which we live, what can I do to actually be as supportive as I’m pretending to be? I truly do want him to be happy but I’m not going to lie: I truly wish he were dating a female. Help?

A: Societal judgment against gay and bisexual people is very real, and you’re not doing anything wrong by acknowledging its power and worrying about the effect said judgment might have on your son. That said, don’t let that judgment start with you. Don’t add to it. Don’t let some of the censure and targeting that may come your son’s way—however well-intentioned you believe yourself to be—start with his mother. If you find yourself overwhelmed by doubts and panic, please get yourself to an LGBT-friendly therapist and/or the nearest PFLAG meeting, because you need an outlet or two for those fears, preferably an outlet that you didn’t give birth to.

The other thing you get to do is let go of your dream that your son will be happy in a heterosexual relationship. That’s not to say he may never settle down with a woman, or that he won’t ever be happy in a relationship, merely that whatever relationship your son is in will never be heterosexual by virtue of the fact that your son is not heterosexual. It’s natural, and commendable, to want our children to be happy and healthy and safe from harm, but when we start to get to specific about how that happiness and health ought to be manifested in our children’s lives that we run into trouble. Your son is as aware as you are—likely more aware—that homophobia and biphobia exist. He has likely already encountered it! Nevertheless—he is bisexual. You can either make it slightly easier for him to be out, or immeasurably more difficult. That’s not to say that you are likely to start lobbing slurs at him, but through a hundred ways both direct and indirect you could successfully communicate to him that you’re “not disappointed, just worried” and “doesn’t he realize that this is going to make life more difficult?” and “wouldn’t it be better if he, well, not denied that part of himself but gave that nice girl I told you about, the Smiths’ daughter, a call sometime?”

And buck up! This world is mad, yes. This world is persistently, sometimes violently, anti-gay, anti-bisexual, anti-trans, anti-gender-nonconforming, anti-queer. And yet queer people exist, and thrive, and come out, and date, and have fun, and commit to one another, and form beautiful, strengthening communities. It’s not all persecution and suffering, I promise you. You cannot protect your adult son from all the pain and prejudice in the world. But you can work hard to reduce the level of biphobia in the world, starting with yourself and radiating outwards to your friends, your family, and everyone else you come into contact with.

Q. The AC is a problem: I recently moved in with my best friend and another girl (Roomie). Everything’s been great until it started to get warm. We live in an old apartment building on the second floor, and it gets hot. The BFF and I are usually OK in our rooms, but Roomie isn’t. So she’ll turn up the air at night to the point where it’s freezing in the morning! I’m talking 50 degrees throughout the house. I am unhappy with this, but BFF is really angry. We split utilities but BFF feels this is less energy-efficient and going to cost more. Roomie refuses to get a fan and sleeps with her lights on (which I think adds to the heat problem). It’s only June, we’re nowhere near the worst of the summer weather. I want everyone to be comfortable but I don’t want to freeze to death every night. Any advice?

A: Fifty degrees? As in Fahrenheit? I’ve never felt more like my own father in my life but: Does your roommate think that you are made of money? (By the way, landlords in San Francisco are legally required to maintain a minimum temperature of 68 degrees, just as a gut check of reasonable baseline behavior.) It’s time to call a good old-fashioned roommate meeting and find a mutually agreed-upon minimum thermostat setting. Luckily, you and the BFF outnumber the roommate; I suggest you do a little research and provide evidence for just how cost-ineffective and unreasonable a setting of 50 degrees is. (I recommend starting here and here.) If nothing else, you can show her your next energy bill—it’s going to be a big one.

Q. Teachable moment in online dating: I’ve exchanged a few messages with this guy on OkCupid, and it seemed promising. Until his most recent message. It was a nice few sentences about shared professional interests, but at the end he tacked on, “Why do you describe yourself as curvy in your profile? You look thin and beautiful :-).”

Yikes. My first impulse was to stop responding altogether, but I now think this is a teachable moment. I want to say something along the lines of “I do consider myself curvy. And being curvy and beautiful are not mutually exclusive.” Any suggestions for other ways to frame it so that he gets that it was insulting to correct my own self-description?

A: It’s my opinion that there are very few teachable moments in online dating when it comes to drive-by messages from random strangers. Yes, this dude’s not-quite-a-compliment was both boorish and unnecessary, but you don’t know him, have no shared history aside from a handful of seemingly promising messages, and will likely never meet him. It’s certainly a sentiment worth challenging, but it’s likely to be a waste of your time and energy to get into a discussion about body politics with a near-stranger online. If this had come from a friend or an acquaintance or even from a first date IRL, that might be an ideal springboard for you to challenge the notion that “curvy” is somehow the opposite of “beautiful,” but as it is, I think you should go with your first impulse and move on to someone else.

You certainly can send that message if you like—the script you suggested is perfectly polite—but you’re under no obligation to correct the views of every misguided guy on OkCupid. If you did, you’d have no time to use it for dating. I have no suggestions for improving the framing of your response, but I do recommend asking yourself how much time you’re willing to spend debating him if he comes back with anything other than, “Thanks, I hadn’t thought about it like that before.”

Q. I know what I ought to do, I just can’t: I dated a guy for slightly less than a year and had the misfortune of falling for him really badly. Both of us have been married before and have kids. He wanted to keep the relationship more casual, even though monogamous. I went along but after a while realized that I am miserable most of the time due to the lack of an emotional component. I broke it off but have been even more miserable ever since. I miss him terribly. He just wants to go back and just enjoy each other’s company “without complications.” Most of my friends think I am insane. Am I?

I just know that if I go back “on his terms” it will be a short-lived bliss and then resentment again. I went online and have talked to a few guys, and probably will be be meeting one of them soon. So I am doing everything “by the book,” like keeping busy, meeting other people etc. But it doesn’t get any better. I just miss him.

A: First things first: You’re not “insane” for wanting to reconnect with an ex you loved deeply. It might not be the wisest thing to do, it might not be good for you in the long run, but it is perfectly reasonable to seek to avoid pain and pursue pleasure. That doesn’t mean I think you should give him a call, but don’t be too hard on yourself for wanting to put an end to your loneliness by returning to a situation that, while painful, at least provided you with concomitant rewards. It’s frustrating that “doing the right things” does not necessarily translate into “feeling recognizably better relatively quickly,” or even slowly. I’m reasonably confident that if you continue to focus on things that make you happy, you will not feel as devastated about this breakup 20 years from now as you do today, but I can’t promise you much else in terms of an emotional recovery timeline.

While you’re currently short on willpower, you do at least have the gift of sufficient information. You already know that going back to your ex would undo what little progress you’ve already made while setting you up for increased suffering in the future. Consider how hard the last few months (or weeks? It’s not clear how far out from the breakup you currently are, but it sounds like you’re still in the messy, immediate aftermath) have been, and remind yourself that if you were to reconcile with him on his terms, you’d have to go through all of that all over again. At the very least, you can promise yourself that this is the only time you’ll have to get over him. It might take longer than you’d like, and you might have to spend some time going through the motions before you actually feel excited about the prospect of going out on a first date again, but you only have to do it once.

Q. Re: The AC is a problem: 1. Maybe her room really IS a lot hotter; many houses don’t cool evenly. Try switching rooms. 2. She can get a portable window AC for her room; you all will still have to pay extra in utilities bills, but at least she won’t be cooling the whole apartment, only her own space.

A: Her room may indeed get hotter than the others, but that’s probably because she’s already refused to take a few pretty basic steps to keep it cooler like sleeping with the lights off or using a fan. Frankly, there’s no justification for setting the thermostat to 50 degrees unless her room is directly on the surface of the sun. I didn’t even think ACs could go that low!

Q. Sprained ankle–bridesmaid: I sprained my ankle walking. I wish I had a cooler story, but I don’t. The doctor says it’s not broken but it’s a severe sprain. I have crutches and will be on them for at least the next two weeks. Here’s the rub: My best friend and college roommate, “Rachem,” is getting married. Next Thursday. *ominous music plays*

I love her and I don’t want to ruin her wedding or detract from her at all. I don’t want to have any “oh what happened,” “My gosh do you need help?” type≠questions from any guests. I want all eyes on the bride. I want to physically grab their faces and redirect them at the bride if I have to. I figure for pictures I can get in the shot, throw my crutches to my husband, and have him help me get around between shots. The bridesmaids’ dresses are floor-length so you won’t see that one ankle is in a splint in pictures, so when her future kids see her pictures they won’t ask “Why is Aunt Erin in crutches? That’s so inconsiderate, stealing your spotlight, you were right to cut her out of your life.” They’ll say something like “Mom, you have excellent taste, and I do declare; what beautiful flowers!” (I’m not around kids much.)

In short: What can I do to make sure her wedding is all about her on her wedding day? Please please please please please please help.

A: You are doing great! Everything sounds fine! Please feel free to relax roughly 85 percent more because nothing you have described above sounds like it is even within spitting distance of wedding-ruining territory. There is no need for ominous music! There is no need to picture future children who hate you! (Also, why do these hypothetical children think that anyone who needs to use crutches is doing so out of an attempt to “steal focus”?) If someone asks you why you sprained your ankle, as long as they don’t shout it out from the floor during the actual exchanging of vows portion of the ceremony, you can simply say, “I sprained it while I was walking last week! Weird, right?” People still have normal conversations with one another about unrelated topics during weddings—no one can maintain a pure, diamond-like–intense level of focus on the bride from the first sounds of the orchestra warming up to the last dance number after the reception. There will be no need to forcibly point anyone’s faces in any directions. You are going to be fine. The wedding is going to be great. You do not have to abase yourself any further.

Q. Can you be jailed or evicted for credit card debt?: A friend of our family lost her husband a few years ago. He had very little in terms of life insurance, and she’s been living on Social Security and Medicaid ever since. She told us recently that she used her credit card to pay for funeral expenses and hasn’t been able to pay more than the minimal amount each month. Her debt is now several thousand dollars, and she’s scared that she will be put in jail if she doesn’t pay it off soon. I don’t think that will happen as long as she pays something every month—but I’m not sure. She has thought about going bankrupt, but that would ruin her credit rating which she thinks would mean being evicted from her apartment. Can they? And how can we help her? We can’t really afford to pay it off for her; thinking maybe just a lump sum to pay it down somewhat?

A: The good news is that no one can be jailed for credit card debt in the United States, although your friend could be sued by her creditors and have her wages garnished or some of her assets seized to pay down the debt if they win a judgment against her. If your friend is old enough to be receiving Social Security payments, she likely qualifies for assistance from your state’s Aging Services Division (every state has one—there’s a directory here), as well as charitable organizations like Meals on Wheels. Your local Aging Services Division can offer housing assistance, financial advice, and legal aid, all of which it sounds like your friend sorely needs. It’s a good thing she has people like you in her life who are willing and able to offer support when she needs it, although I think you should seek professional counsel before deciding whether or not to give her money yourself. It may be helpful in the short term, but in the long run she’s going to need much more than one generous individual to figure out a debt consolidation plan.

Q. Re: Teachable moment in online dating: You and the OP missed the point of this man’s question. He’s trying to make sure she’s not fat because he’s not attracted to fat women. And he likely thought he was asking in a polite way. At least more polite than “are you fat?” because he’s interested in her otherwise but wouldn’t be interested sexually in a larger woman.

A: Oh, neither the OP nor myself missed the point of this man’s message in the least. It was perhaps the least subtle message ever composed by human hands, and both of us understood it beautifully. The issue is not one of comprehension, but of basic politeness. You are right in the sense that what he said was slightly less rude than demanding, “Are you fat?” but that is a terribly low bar to clear. Let us set ours slightly higher.

Q. Waiting Room: As of this July, I will have been engaged for three years and with my boyfriend for 12. We have put off getting married for quite some time now and I have resigned myself to the fact that it may not happen. I set a date which then passed because he wanted his family present when we get married. He refuses to marry in the state his family is in because “I don’t live there and have any connection to there” he states. So, this involves his family having to come out here for us to get married. After many discussions, I have tapped out. I refuse to look at places to rent for this event or even set a date. His family thinks it is me that is putting on these demands but it’s not. I have now told him that I really don’t care if we get married (seriously, by now I’m just over it) but I get asked all the time “when are you getting married?” On one hand it’s pretty embarrassing that after 12 years we still can’t get it together. Also, he has traveled and participated in every one of his siblings’ weddings (three of them) and I feel like he’s just ignored by his family when it comes to what he needs them to do to mildly participate in his life that is 1,500 miles from them. How can I navigate this potentially tricky situation? I want him to feel like he matters to his family but when they continually put their own family vacations and stuff ahead of what he needs from them (to maybe spend three days where we live), but I find it hard to bargain with folks who won’t put in the effort. Help!

A: If what you want is to get married, I have good news for you! You two can head down to the courthouse tomorrow (or depending on what state you live in, a few days after obtaining a marriage license) and have it done within a matter of minutes. It is not difficult to get married, and you two are both competent, self-sufficient adults who are more than capable of accomplishing it if you put your minds to it.

If what you want is to have a wedding, and not merely that but a wedding where everyone in your boyfriend’s family behaves in exactly the way you would like them to and “pay him back” what you think they owe him socially in terms of traveling and participation—well, then you two are going to have to get on the same page. Which you are not currently on! Your historic strategy as a couple of not talking, periodically stonewalling one another, setting deadlines and blowing past them without comment, is not going to cut it. At the very least, you are going to have to decide that you two want to get married with or without his family in full attendance. Their presence would be welcomed, but if they cannot make it you will have to both want to go ahead with the ceremony anyways. If what you are both looking for is an excuse to continue to not get married, nurture your various resentments at one another, pretending to be “over” the idea entirely when you clearly aren’t, then my guess is you will probably find a way to continue to not get married to one another.

This sounds harsh, I fear, and I don’t mean to suggest the fault is more yours than his or that you two don’t genuinely love one another, but it never does anyone any good to pretend they don’t care about something when they do. You would like to marry your boyfriend! You have felt embarrassed and rejected (and rightly so!) when in the past you put forth a great deal of effort toward making it happen and he didn’t meet you halfway. Share this information with him. Ask him to meet you halfway now. Figure out—as a couple—what you do and don’t require in order to get married, and then make it happen, with or without his various half-hearted siblings.

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Help! My Friend’s a Belligerent Alcoholic, and She Wants an Invite to My Birthday Party.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 26 Jun 2017 19:58:29 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Ditching friends: I am part of a group of girlfriends, and we’ve been friends for five to seven years. I was especially close with one woman (“Tay”) in the beginning of that period, but we grew apart—Tay entered into a toxic relationship with a man no one likes (they drink and fight in public a lot, and he’s very pretentious), and she became a mean drunk.

For the last two years, we have not been close, but we have remained friends, and the girls continue to invite Tay to major events but not every little get-together. She has recently gotten drunk and attacked some of our friends for imagined wrongs, at which point some of us stopped hanging out with her altogether. At a recent event, Tay got drunk and yelled at several friends to let them know we are bad friends because we’ve been excluding her. It’s true we don’t want to see her, but for the reasons named above. Moreover, we have grown apart, and I don't think it’s necessary to see her as often as I see my true close friends just because we used to be close.

My birthday is coming up, and I don’t want to invite her because: 1) She treats us poorly, and 2) I just don’t enjoy her presence anymore. How do I handle this? It’s inevitable she will know I celebrated without her, and I don’t want a drunken mean confrontation about it.

A: Don’t invite her. This woman is an active alcoholic who can’t manage her anger and has made a habit for years of unleashing a torrent of spite and viciousness upon everyone within her reach. If she attempts to confront you while she is drunk and angry, feel free to say, “I’m not going to discuss this while you’re drunk,” then leave the room if necessary.

If you have never told her you are concerned about her drinking problem and want her to seek help, then I think that would be worth saying to her separately, at a time when you know she may be reasonably sober. But you are under no obligation to continue pretending you two are anything like friends.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 26 Jun 2017 15:58:00 GMT

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Goo Goo Gah Gah

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 22 Jun 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
I work for a very small company owned by a married couple, both in their mid-30s. The husband has a day job, and the wife works from home, so I usually only see them once a week. Two weeks ago, one of the owners informed us, happily, that they are pregnant with their second child. I was very happy to hear this news, until she dropped the bomb: She is only five weeks along. I have never had someone tell me that she was less than three months pregnant, so her news was very shocking. I did feel slightly uncomfortable about knowing about her pregnancy so early on, but I brushed it off. However, my discomfort started growing as it seems like she is having a difficult pregnancy. She takes two- to three-hour daily naps in the afternoon, will check out during meetings because she has a hard time focusing, and is constantly nauseated and has no appetite. During her seventh week of pregnancy, she texted all of us that she had “emergency health issues” and was ordered bed rest by her doctor for the rest of the week.

Now, all I can think about is the possibility that my boss has lost or will lose the baby, and I will admit (guiltily) that I do feel some resentment toward her for spilling the beans about her pregnancy so early on. I am a woman in my late 20s and have never gotten pregnant, so I can only imagine her physical and emotional pain, if something were to happen. Am I selfish to be upset that my boss, whom I have an employer-employee relationship with, told us about her pregnancy so early on? And if something does happen, what do I do? Unfortunately, I am pretty socially awkward, so acting like nothing happened will be close to impossible.

—Office Etiquette

It’s sort of customary for people to hold off on announcing a pregnancy until after the 12^th week to spare the parents-to-be the painful necessity of having to update everyone they know with news of miscarriage, not because the news might discomfit others. It’s certainly not a hard-and-fast rule, and telling people five weeks in might be a little unusual, but it’s not the breach of etiquette you seem to think it is. A miscarriage is not a shameful secret that is best kept to oneself, and your boss will not have done something wrong if she announced her pregnancy at five weeks and subsequently had a miscarriage. She cannot help having a complicated pregnancy, and she would likely still have experienced morning sickness and had to go on bed rest even if you didn’t know she was pregnant. Your resentment is unwarranted and out of place, and you should do your best to overcome it in private. Miscarriages are quite common, particularly in the first trimester, and if your boss does miscarry, you should express your condolences, offer your support, and continue to do your job well.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I work with a volunteer group that helps fix up houses for low-income residents. For the past several weekends we have been building a wheelchair ramp for an older woman who lives alone and has no nearby relatives. She mentioned that she has “several cats,” but during our work we noticed an overwhelming smell. I knocked on her door one evening so we could unplug our extension cord, but she didn’t answer, so I let myself in and was overwhelmed. There were 15 cats in a small dining space (she lives in a nice mobile home park), and there was animal urine and feces everywhere. In some places I could not see the floor. I retrieved the cord and got out as quickly as I could. I’m concerned about her health and safety. I can’t imagine preparing meals in that kitchen? What do I do? I don’t want to call in authorities that may have no compassion for her. I don’t want her to be removed from her home, but at the same time, living as she is is not good. She seems like a kind, normal person. How can I help without also hurting her?

—Cat Lady

Calling the authorities doesn’t necessarily mean bringing down the long arm of the law on a vulnerable senior citizen. Contact your area’s social services, whether that be adult protective services, the city health department, or your county’s department of aging and elder services, and get in touch with the local humane society or animal control department for help with the cats. The way this woman is currently living is way beyond “not good”—untreated animal waste is a biohazard, and she could be at risk of contracting diseases like toxoplasmosis, breathing in noxious ammonia fumes, developing any number of infections, or slipping and falling. Her health and her life are at risk, and it would be irresponsible and dangerous not to get help for this woman. Invoking social services does not mean that she is going to be dragged from her home and thrown into an institution; there are numerous programs that focus on treating and supporting animal hoarders so they can live independent, healthy lives. You cannot hurt her any worse than she is already hurting herself. She is not able to care for herself or her pets, and you would be doing both her and them a disservice by failing to act now.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
In conversation, I ask people open-ended questions, and I really listen to what they say. I try not to interrupt or shift the focus onto myself. I also try to remember what I learn about people. My problem is that I don’t know how to inspire others to reciprocate. I want people to know me, but instead I go through life feeling painfully lonely. I’ve recently made a new friend, and we spend most of our time together discussing her past, her family, and her emotional and professional challenges. Now and then I toss in some information about myself, hoping it will establish common ground and encourage her to ask me questions. Recently, we were talking about her experiences growing up gay in a fundamentalist Christian family, I said, “I was raised by my wonderful gay dad, who also grew up in a Christian environment.” She rarely responds to these offerings, so I just let them go, and we continue talking about her. As usual, I’ve ended up knowing her way better than she knows me, and I feel lonely. I know I could call her on it in the spirit of clarifying my needs. But when I do that, people usually say, “Oh, sorry! OK—what were you saying?” After which it feels like they’re just giving me air time out of politeness rather than because they’re actually interested in what I have to say.

If this pattern were confined to my interactions with this woman, I might blame it on her for being self-involved. But it happens all the time. I’m the common element, so I know the problem has to be with me. Am I boring? Am I so weird that people can’t relate? Am I somehow putting people off? Or am I just being hypersensitive about a problem that everyone has?

—Enough About Me, What’s New With You

I doubt that you’re boring or too weird for anyone else to relate to. It’s likely that the type of people who are least inclined to ask other people questions about themselves are generally drawn to you because you are such an attentive listener and so reluctant to pull focus away from them. Your empathy and hesitation to assert yourself are particularly attractive to people with a tendency toward self-absorption, and they seek you out. That doesn’t mean you have to squash those impulses in yourself, but it does mean that you’re going to have to spend some more time and energy screening for fellow good listeners when you develop new friendships—not just people who seem really excited to be around you. When you meet someone who does pick up on those conversational offerings, who does look for moments in a conversation to ask you about yourself, who seems as eager to listen as she is to speak, pay attention to that. Seek them out, invite them for coffee, cultivate friendships with them. Those people exist—you’re not the only one, I promise.

When it comes to the friends you already have, if they’re only paying lip service to conversational reciprocity when you interrupt their monologues, I think you should feel free to cut back on time spent with them. Someone who’s not genuinely interested in what you have to say is not going to be a very good friend to you in the long run. But it also seems like, on some level, you believe asking people to ask you questions about yourself is somehow less genuine or meaningful than having them intuit that they’ve neglected you. I don’t think that’s always true! If you want to talk about yourself, and your conversational partner doesn’t respond to your initial “offering,” don’t take that as a sign that she doesn’t care or you can’t keep talking. Tell your story regardless.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I received a wedding-related invitation from a family member, and I’m not sure how to respond. The couple lives a few states away, and the bride had a wedding shower earlier that I couldn’t attend, but I sent a gift anyway. The invitation I just received seems like another shower invitation, but it says that while “geography is keeping us from gathering to celebrate, we can shower the couple with gifts” and includes an address. Essentially, it’s an invitation to send more gifts. Is this horribly tacky? I’ve never seen something like this before, and I’m at a loss for how to respond graciously when I feel that it’s inappropriate. Thoughts?

–Bewildered by the Bride

One of the greatest joys of adult life is quietly disapproving of someone else’s choices while simultaneously congratulating oneself on exhibiting restraint. You get to do both of those things! Decline to send a second gift, and don’t respond to the shakedown masquerading as an invitation, especially since you’re not being asked to RSVP to something. Unless you are extremely close with this family member and are often in the habit of exchanging blunt truths with each other, keep your disapproval to yourself, throw the card away, and move on.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I met a new guy online, and on the second date he told me he is bisexual. I am OK with it overall, but he wants to have a guy on the side or find someone else to bring into our bed. I am really looking for a long-term relationship. Should I just let this one go, even though everything else is great, or should I consider allowing him to explore relationships with men? I am not sure about bringing someone else into our bed; it has never been something I was interested in.

–Two Is Plenty

This dude is bisexual, which you’re fine with, and that’s great. But this dude also wants to have an open relationship and at least the occasional threesome, which you’re not fine with, so you probably shouldn’t go on that third date. Why are you contemplating “allowing him to explore relationships with men” when you’re not especially keen on the idea and you two are barely in a relationship yourself? If that’s not what you’re looking for in a boyfriend, cut him loose and move on to somebody else whose interests are more closely aligned with yours.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My housemate has a habit that is seriously cutting into my sleep. Whenever she uses the bathroom, she blows her nose—and it’s obscenely loud. I can’t even work out how she manages to make so much noise doing this. Our bathroom acts like an echo chamber that amplifies all noise directly into my bedroom. So when she does this during the night or early in the morning (which she does daily), the noise wakes me up. I’m not a great sleeper to begin with, and it’s really impacting my life. I’ve asked her multiple times to stop blowing her nose in the bathroom when I’m likely to be sleeping, pointing out that she can do it to her heart’s content in any other carpeted location of our flat. Each time I do, she apologizes profusely (and I think genuinely) and says that she “forgets.” She’ll be good for maybe a week or so but invariably forgets again.

She’s generally not the most thoughtful and has a handful of other annoying habits around the place, and while they get on my nerves, I don’t bring them up because they’re minor. We get along really well in every other way and are quite close friends! What can I do? Reminder signs in the bathroom (that would make us look insane to visitors)? Is it totally nuts to ask her to move out (I own the flat, so quietly moving out myself isn’t an option) because of how she blows her nose? I’m sure I would also lose her friendship, which would be sad.

Get the sign! If your roommate truly is as well-intentioned as she seems and genuinely has an incredibly difficult time remembering not to blow her nose like the Last Trumpet at 4 in the morning in your bathroom, go ahead and put a little reminder in your bathroom to spare yourself. If your guests think you’re a little weird, let them. You can always hide the sign when visitors come by if it worries you that much.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence Columns
“Baby, Bumped: My husband refuses to have sex with me while I’m pregnant.”
“How Sweet It Almost Was: The man I loved for years has admitted he loved me too—but now we’re married to other people.”
“Try, Try Again: I haven’t been able to have a second child, but my husband won’t give up.”
“The Silent Sexuality: I’m bisexual, but my wife doesn’t want me to talk about it.”

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“All Dogs Go to Heaven Anyway: Prudie advises a letter writer whose husband shot the neighbor’s dogs.”
“Lost to Lust: Prudie advises a woman who kicked her husband out for masturbating to a friend’s photo.”
“Swipe Wrong: Prudie advises a woman who hasn’t told her Tinder fling-turned-boyfriend that she has a child.”
“Thumbs Down: Prudie counsels a letter writer whose husband won’t stop picking up hitchhikers.”

Tragic Flaw

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 20 Jun 2017 12:47:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Is this a lie I can forgive?: I’ve been dating a great guy, “Max,” for about a year. Not too long after we met (we weren’t dating then), we started talking about family, siblings, etc. I mentioned I’d had a sister who died at a young age in a car accident. He said he’d lost a brother, “John,” the same way. It bonded us in a way, and it wasn’t long after that talk that we began dating.

Over the Memorial Day weekend I went with Max to visit his family. They live in another state, and it was the first time I met them. Max’s mother was showing me some family pictures, and there were several of John. I know how hard it is for mothers to talk about their dead children, so I was as sympathetic as I could be. I mentioned my sister, and her car accident. Max’s mother looked at me kind of strangely but didn’t say much. Later I was talking to Max’s sister and again mentioned John’s death in a car accident. His sister corrected me and said it wasn’t a car accident, it was an OD. Apparently John OD’d when he was 18. This isn’t something I’d mind or find shameful. I know some addicts, and they are good people. It is the addiction that is bad. What I don’t understand is why Max lied to me. I can see lying to a stranger. I don’t like people in my personal business anymore than Max does. But why lie to a friend? And to keep the lie going with a girlfriend who is going to find out? Now I’m wondering how to bring this up to Max. I don’t think he knows his family told me the truth. How should I bring this up, and is this something I can let go?

A: If by “let go” you mean ”not mention anything to Max,” then no, you absolutely should not let this go. There’s no special way you should bring this up. Just tell him what you learned from his sister, and ask him to explain, keeping your tone nonjudgmental. Then listen to what he has to say, and share with him the questions you’ve already posed to me. If there’s a way for you two to move beyond this, it won’t be by compounding a lie with more silence and secrecy—it will require openness and honesty.

As for the question in your subject line—yes, I think this is forgivable, assuming Max is willing to be honest once you bring up the topic. It’s not ideal, and it’s not a tactic he’ll hopefully employ again in your future, but the lie he told was not self-aggrandizing or designed to hurt you. Likely it was a choice out of shame and discomfort, and if he apologizes and is willing to talk about why he lied to you, there’s an excellent chance your relationship will be all the stronger for it.

Q. Babies and why I’m not having them: So, despite being 23, the topic in some of my older friends turned once again to my refusal to have kids. Now I don’t want to have them for many reasons, mostly personal and a dislike of small children, and lack of wanting to bring a kid into a quite depressing world, but partly because of the fear of needles, postnatal depression, and a small frame making childbirth difficult. Is there any way to stop these sort of comments, or is this something I’m going to have to live with till I get to 45? Will giving the medical reasons (needles, etc.) help? Or is this a losing battle, even in this day and age?

A: I’m not sure that saying “I’m afraid of needles” will silence many people on the subject of having children, in part because (as far as I’m aware) having a child doesn’t mean that many more needles than otherwise. It is, unfortunately, a topic that a great many people seem to enjoy pressing, particularly with young women, so it’s entirely possible that you will be met with variations on this question for a long time to come. There are plenty of (relatively polite) ways to shut the line of questioning down, but I’m not sure of any strategy that keeps it from coming up periodically.

You say most of the badgering is coming from your older friends, and luckily you are allowed to be a little firmer and more honest with a friend than strangers. My guess is that the more you try to furnish justifications like fear of postpartum depression and your small frame, the more they’ll come up with flippant answers: “They have drugs for that now! Lots of women with small frames have children!” You’re not looking to be won over; you’re looking to be left alone. When you ask them to stop asking you about your decision not to have children, stress the fact that you don’t want to, which is not an argument but an orientation of the will and the heart. “I can’t prove to you that I’m never going to have any, but I’m pretty sure that if I ever do change my mind, it’s not going to be because someone else talked me into it. I don’t want to have children, and I can’t think of something worse than bringing a new life into the world without being really excited to become a parent. Let’s talk about something else.”

Q. When to bug neighbors?: I recently got into gardening and have a basil plant that I haven’t managed to kill yet. However, my husband and I will soon be out of town for a week, and my friends don’t live reasonably close (30-plus minutes) for me to conveniently drop off the plant. I live in a community where neighbors don’t really see/talk to one another (I’ve seen my neighbors maybe twice in the last 10 months). I could take the plant with us, but how strange would it be to show up to my next door neighbors with some cookies, and ask them to watch the plant for a week? Especially since the extent of our interaction has been only nodding hello to them?

A: It would be only mildly strange, and I think you should do it! You’re not asking them to look after your firstborn—a basil plant is a pretty low-maintenance commitment—and this might be the opportunity to upgrade your relationship with your neighbors from “nodding hello once in a while” to “nodding hello once in a while and also exchanging pleasantries,” thus making the world a friendlier place.

Q. Family feud: My dad (68) and older brother (38) have been in business together for the last 10 years or so, and while business is booming, their relationship took a nosedive within a year or two of opening and has gotten progressively worse. My brother is the hardest working person I know, and he is 99 percent responsible for the success the business has had. He describes my dad as lazy and unmotivated, and they have argument after argument about how little my dad actually works or contributes, all while earning more than everyone else at the company and getting distributions at the end of the year as a part-owner. They signed a contract a couple of years ago that my dad would sell back part of his shares, and then he refused to do so when the time arrived. My brother is at the point where he’s willing to tell my dad to F off and dissolve the business by the end of the year if something significant doesn’t change. Everything he says to my dad seems to fall on deaf ears. All I want is for my family to get along, but my relationship with my dad is very different since he’s only ever been my dad (a great one, at that), and not my business partner. For years I have kept quiet, but now I’m wondering if I should get involved before it reaches a breaking point. Should I say something to my dad?

A: Say to both your dad and your brother that you hope they can resolve their professional differences with one another and that you—unfortunately—won’t be able to mediate said differences. I’m sympathetic to your wish that everyone could just get along (I’m a middle child too), but the solution to the problem of “your brother and your father operate an emotionally failing business” is something along the lines of “your brother and your father figure out whether or not to keep going and develop a different working relationship.” The solution is not for a younger sibling with no relationship to the business in question to get involved.

I imagine that right now listening to your brother vent (presumably that’s how you’ve come to know so much of the details of their personal and professional business) seems helpful, but I think you need to scale way back. The next time either your brother or your father tries to talk to you about this, encourage them to speak to each other, and tell them there’s nothing you can do. You say you’ve “kept quiet” for years, but you don’t seem to have actually said to either your brother or your father, “If you have something to say to each other, don’t say it to me.” Say it now. Whether things explode spectacularly between them or gets slowly, painfully better is entirely up to them. You’re already more involved than you ought to be. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about their relationship, or even have an opinion, but it does mean that the only hope of improvement can come from them—not you.

Q. Re: Babies and why I’m not having them: If there’s one thing George Clooney’s marriage and babies should have taught us all, it’s to be careful about saying what we “never” want. (I have a married-with-kids ex-SO this applies to as well.) “Right now, I don’t think it’s right for me” is a nice equivocation.

A: I don’t think there’s much point in having a conversation about whether or not someone is likely to change their mind in the future about a major life issue. It’s true that a lot of people who are dead set against getting married/having children/”fill in the milestone here” do end up changing their minds. It’s also true that a lot of people don’t! (It’s also true that a lot of people who get married and have children later regret it but don’t tell anyone, because saying, “I wish I hadn’t had children” is generally considered to be an unacceptably downbeat statement.) The fact is that most of us don’t live our lives based on the assumption that we will later think differently. It’s impossible to make choices that way. Whether or not the letter writer someday changes her mind is both impossible to predict and also, frankly, irrelevant to the conversations she’s having right now. The fact that other people have sometimes said “I’m never having children” and then later gone on to have children is not relevant to her experience either—those were other people, not her.

Basically, two weird things are true of all of us: We are the final and only experts in ourselves, and we are also sometimes wrong about ourselves. You don’t have to feel the same way about a particular choice your entire life for your feelings on the subject to be meaningful or worthy of respect right now. Neither the letter writer nor her interlocutors can predict the future; what matters is that she does not want children today and her friends should assume that, should her opinion ever change, she will definitely let them know.

Q. Is this my business?: My roommate is a very dear friend whom I have known since I was 2 years old. About a year ago, she started dating another friend of mine (I introduced them). Last weekend, I found out that last year (around two weeks after they became an “exclusive” couple) my roommate’s boyfriend cheated on her with another one of our good girlfriends. They were caught after the fact by some other people at the party they were at. My roommate couldn’t be there because she was sick. Apparently, he planned to tell my roommate the next day, but the girl he cheated with convinced him not to. Besides my roommate, I am the last person in my group of friends to know about this. I don’t think I can live with her and also myself knowing that this happened while she does not. I really think she would want to know not just because she’s been cheated on, but because she considers that girl a really good friend. Would it be within my right to tell my roommate’s boyfriend that I know about what happened, I’m not going to keep his secret, and that he needs to tell her ASAP? Otherwise, I’ve watched him be a fantastic partner to her and I know how much they love each other. This hookup was really an isolated, drunken mistake. I don’t want to cause drama or insert myself into other people’s business. I just want to do right by my friend. Help?

A: That sounds like a fairly good strategy. There are times when butting out is absolutely necessary, but you live with this woman and are certain that she’d want to know—that’s a good case for speaking up. Your strategy at least gives her boyfriend the opportunity to come clean with her first. There’s no reason you should have to keep this secret now that you’ve found out.

Q. Re: Re: Babies and why I’m not having them: Just because some people say they don’t want kids and then have kids doesn’t mean that every person who says they don’t want kids will eventually want kids. Calling George Clooney’s marriage and babies a “teaching moment” is condescending.

A: Thanks for the suggestion! If the letter writer feels up to it, this might be an easier way to keep everyone updated when and if she has anything new to report.

Q. Former mentor turns frenemy: My Ph.D. supervisor was one of my job references until recently, when I asked a colleague (I finished my Ph.D. eight months ago). After a lot of struggle finding a position anywhere (let alone an academic one) I soon found a job that I liked after making that change. Last week, a mutual professional acquaintance of my Ph.D. supervisor and mine told me that she gave me bad references in the past, citing my “lack of ambition.” (The acquaintance considered me for a position last year.) I have no idea what this means, as I have always been competitive and driven in my work. Now my ex-supervisor and I are presenting at the same research conference this summer. I’m tempted to bring it up but realize I probably shouldn’t. Still, I don’t want to act like she’s the mentor and friend I thought she was. Am I right in thinking I should shut up, smile politely and not ever work with her again?

A: That sounds like an excellent strategy.

Mallory Ortberg: Remember, you don’t have to have children just because George Clooney did. You don’t have to do anything just because George Clooney does it, whether that means reproducing biologically or starring on the early seasons of ER. See you all next week.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Great Expectations

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 22:03:18 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Hello, members of the public! Let’s gossip in the agora.

Q. Wonder woman: What is your take on expectations of women these days? I can’t tell if I’m a total dud or normal, but I feel exhausted by the expectations of me. I am a mother of a young child and this is my main priority. I do all the parenting (literally) and my husband’s only expectation in this area is to say hello to our child when he gets home. You could argue that this dynamic is my fault, but among my friends it’s actually pretty common that the mom does the lion’s share of parenting. However, this task is apparently not supposed to slow me down at all because I’m also expected to work full-time as a professional and excel, kick butt, and be a bad-ass woman who earns a fat paycheck. And of course our house has to look good and clean and neat! Is it just me or is it just too much? A lot of my friends happily accept doing all the parenting, but they are also stay-at-home moms so it’s a bit easier to juggle for them. Whenever I complain to my husband (rarely! I’m not a miserable person!) he says heartily “Ah, I know women who have FOUR kids and work 80-hour weeks! They are just fiiiine!” Where do these women get their energy? I realize they must outsource a lot of their duties (like parenting? and house-cleaning?) but I still don’t get it. I guess I suck as a modern-day woman because, honestly, I secretly yearn to stay at home and raise my baby. Other than taking up meth to give me the zip I need, do you have any advice or insight on how to be a kick-butt modern woman who can do it all?

A: I do not have any advice on how you can do all of these things. The problem you are having is not that you are an insufficiently empowered woman. The problem you are having is that your husband is a selfish jerk. He is not married to one of those mythical women with four children and 80-hour workweeks; he is married to you and you are not getting the support you need. He is also not parenting his child adequately if all he does is stop by and offer a queen of England–style wave once a day. If the majority of your friends’ marriages have similar dynamics, I’d go so far as to venture that the majority of your friends are also married to selfish jerks. You ask where “these women” who aren’t so overwhelmed get their energy—I think most of them get it from their partners, who are pulling at least an approximation of their own weight. Your husband appears to think his only job is to go to work and then let you know if you’ve cleaned the house to his satisfaction afterwards. You are effectively a single parent. If that’s not what you want out of your marriage, then you will need to seriously rehabilitate the basis of your relationship, and be prepared to at least contemplate leaving if your husband’s only response is, “But this relationship is working just fine for me.” Good luck.

Q. Doggie dilemma: My neighbor “Megan” lives down the hall from me in my building. She got a dog a few months ago that is quite aggressive toward my boyfriend and me. She snarls, growls, and barks at us furiously whenever she sees us. She has almost been run over while chasing me. I chose to ignore it for the most part. Then her dog bit my boyfriend, then me a few days later. Both instances were unprovoked. Later that day, I received a Facebook message from her pleading with me not to report it. We are not Facebook friends. She begged me not to report it to the apartment manager or the county. I had already written a letter to the apartment manager. I told her that if her dog bites my boyfriend, me, or my dog again I’m reporting it to the county. There have been two more instances where the dog has been aggressive toward me since then, but she was leashed. Yesterday, I went to let my dog outside and Megan was standing directly in front of my door with her dog. There was no reason for her to have the dog with her. The dog was so close to the door that I could feel the vibrations of her growls from inside. I felt that I couldn’t safely take my dog out. I expressed my frustrations about this incident on Facebook last night. I said I was worried my dog would get bit and I would have to go to animal control. What I didn’t know is that I am friends on Facebook with one of her closest friends who told her what I said, I’m assuming out of context. Not five minutes later she was calling me on Facebook and knocking on my door. We still haven’t spoken because it was after 10 p.m. I am moving in a couple months, but I have to deal with this until then. How should I handle this situation?

A: I can’t imagine hearing what you wrote “out of context” would make much difference—Megan is perfectly aware that her dog has a history of aggression and of biting people, and so far the only steps she’s taken to address it is to send you panicked Facebook messages. Regardless of when you’re moving away, it’s only a matter of time before this dog bites someone else, and you should file a dog bite report with the city (likely through animal control, but the exact procedure will vary depending on where you live). If Megan is sending you unwanted Facebook messages, ignore them and block her; if she’s knocking on your door and you don’t want to speak to her, don’t come to the door and tell her to leave. This is not an issue that needs to be addressed between the two of you; that ship sailed when her dog bit two people and she neither apologized nor did anything about it. Facebook is not the best place for you to express your concerns about your safety. Call your landlord and follow up on your letter to say that Megan has taken to standing outside of your apartment door with her dog, and call Animal Control to report multiple dog bites.

Q. Fertility: My husband and I are using a fertility doctor to try to have a baby. We’re not been ashamed of this and have told a number of close family and friends. My concern is that we’ve told them the date of the embryo transfer and the date of the pregnancy test. Again, I don’t mind them knowing, but I’m dreading the thought of being contacted over and over the day of the pregnancy test. If we’re not pregnant, it’s not something I’ll want to talk about with everyone. If we are, there’s still a chance it won’t work out (miscarriage). So far everyone has been nothing but supportive and wonderful, I just don’t know that I’ll have the strength to tell them all in the likely event it doesn’t work out.

A: Tell your friends that you’d appreciate not hearing from them on the day of the test! “I’m anxious at the thought of having to update everybody in real-time. We’ll let you know if we have good news, but please don’t check in the day-of to see how things are going. The thought of having to update everyone if things don’t work out feels overwhelming and stressful. I really appreciate it.”

Q. Negative husband: I am 42 years old, and I have always been an optimist, I like to be happy, and strive to focus on the positives. I have a very stressful full-time job. My husband of 24 years has always been of the most negative people I know. Perhaps his negativity was easier for me to deal with before, but one of my brothers recently died after a short, and horrible illness, and my mom is slowly slipping away due to dementia. I am increasingly unhappy with my life, and one of my problems is my husband’s constant complaining. No matter how hard I try to be upbeat and positive, he points out the negatives in everything, especially in me. He exhausts me. If it weren’t for my wonderful children, I would not want to come home. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just doesn’t see his own negativity. He blames me, and our life in general, for his unhappiness. Despite his complaining, I know he loves me, and I do love him, but I just feel like I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.

A: It sounds like you already know what you want to do. You say you can’t live like this for the rest of your life, but it doesn’t sound like your husband has ever been any different, which suggests that if you stay with him, the rest of your life is going to look exactly like the last 24 years. If part of what you are looking for right now is permission to contemplate a separation from your husband after years of trying to get him to change, then you have it. Does the idea of coming home to a house without your husband harping on your every failing and the world’s numerous flaws—even if it means sharing custody of your children and starting over—sound like a blessed relief? If so, that’s at least one point in the “leaving him” category.

If the idea of leaving without first exhausting all your other options doesn’t appeal, ask yourself what you can do to minimize your negative interactions with him. You can refuse to engage when he starts in on his regular Eeyore speculations. When he goes off, you can say, “That’s possible. I’ll think about it,” which gives him relatively little purchase. “Could be! I’ll think about it.” Think of yourself as a flat, sheer mountain face upon which this little mountain goat of negativity can find no rest for his jerk hooves (or think of a better analogy, if one occurs to you). Give him nothing to meaningfully interact with when he attempts to start a What If Disaster Strikes and Also You’re a Bad Person spiral, and it’s possible you find he eventually switches tactics. At the very least, you yourself will spend less time trying to argue him out of his dark places.

Q. Re: Fertility: A woman in my friend network is going through this. She set up a closed facebook group and invited anyone who was interested. One post, everyone updated, done. She posts between milestones for support and validation. Seems to work well.

A: Thanks for the suggestion! If the letter writer feels up to it, this might be an easier way to keep everyone updated when and if she has anything new to report.

Q. Wedding Year: Our local news station in Philadelphia posted the actual video for the dolt who proposed to his pregnant girlfriend at his best friend’s wedding. I was hoping the letter was a hoax but evidently it wasn’t.

A: Everything happens eventually.

Q. Coming out in the 21^st century: After a four-year relationship with a man, I have realized that I am a gay woman. I’ve already told my parents and close friends, and they’ve all been supportive and lovely.

It feels important to me to let other people know that I am gay. I come from a religious background where many LGBTQ+ people are closeted, and I want to show that I’m comfortable with my identity and that I’m not ashamed of it. However, I don’t really know how to go about it—especially since I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout of my past relationship and can’t see myself pulling a smooth “So this is my girlfriend” move anytime soon.

Do I make a Facebook post? Do I start subtly dropping clues into conversations? Do I start wearing a rainbow bracelet? I am a private person, and I’m a little afraid that people will think I’m being flashy or too self-focused if I start talking about my sexuality all of a sudden.

A: You can come out on Facebook if that seems meaningful to you! It would be, at the very least, more convenient than telling a lot of people separately, although if you would rather have more one-on-one conversations with the further reaches of your social circle then you should by all means tell people individually. There is the classic My First Gay Haircut, if you’re nervous at the prospect of talking too much but want to be read as gay more often when you’re out in public. (You don’t have to get any particular sort of haircut to be gay, obviously, but it can be fun and affirming to try at least once.) You can absolutely wear a rainbow bracelet if you like. It’s not “flashy” or self-centered to come out, and based on your letter I’d guess you’re more prone to self-effacement than self-aggrandizement. You don’t have to drop subtle hints about your sexuality if what you want is to say, “Something significant happened to me this year—I’ve realized I’m gay, and I’m both nervous and excited to start telling people.” It’s a big part of your life that you (apparently) haven’t been able to discuss with people before. Give yourself permission to open up a little. And happy Pride month!

Q. With friends like these…: My husband and I have been very close friends with a gay couple in another city for nearly 20 years. I used to work with one of the guys, and they moved to a city that’s a two hour drive from us many years back. We’ve shared vacations, holidays, they got married in our house, and for years, we had a steady series of visits, drunken fun nights, in jokes, etc. One of the guys has always been a bit sarcastic—funny but not sweet.

A few years back, I went through a personal crisis after a job loss. I kind of lost my equilibrium, but it didn’t really affect these friends. Since then, these guys have become distant and mean, particularly my original friend. He told me I was a nightmare to be so upset at a layoff, that I was going to lose my husband, that I’m a drama queen, he liked me better when I was fatter, that I should do my hair differently, etc. And all of a sudden, visiting this couple—which we used to do four or five times a year—nearly impossible. They’ll cancel at the last minute, have newly strict rules on how long we can come for (the latest offer is one night and one night only) and will plead “we’re so busy, have a lot of stuff going on, etc.” whenever we try to come. One of them doesn’t even work full-time, BTW. When I try to talk to them about it, they insinuate I’m hysterical and needy. And they never contact us to do anything or visit themselves anymore. I guess I know the answer...this is a lost friendship and I should move on. I guess by showing weakness I blew a longtime friendship? My husband, though he loves them, isn’t much help ... he just says “forget it” and insists it’s not that bad. But at this point, I don’t even want to go visit them for their one-night offer or even talk to them ... I don’t think I like them anymore and don’t know what’s there for us. But I still feel sad, like I lost two brothers. Any suggestions on what to do?

A: Take the time to mourn your loss. You’re absolutely right that this friendship is over. There’s no point in going back for further insults or to try to convince them to conduct a postmortem on your relationship, but that doesn’t mean you have to get over it immediately. This is a terribly sad breakup and it’s going to take time for you to move on. Let yourself cry over it. Write a letter you’re never going to send about how hurt you’ve been by the end of this friendship. Talk to another close friend about it, or a therapist if you find yourself wanting to discuss it obsessively. Whether or not you did something wrong during your “lost equilibrium” phase, it could not possibly have justified the kind of cruel comments your former friends lobbed at you.

Q. Poison ivy farm neighbor: Our neighbor does not take care of his yard. His mow jobs are patchy, and there is a lot of overgrowth. Which is annoying, but fine, it’s his yard. The problem is that there’s a large bed of poison ivy in the backyard, and it keeps growing through the fence into our flower beds. And then I end up getting it. Right now, my husband has settled for pouring a line of weed killer on the neighbor’s side of the fence. And no, he hasn’t noticed. Is this something that I would be out of line to say something about? He’s a physically active guy, so it isn’t that he can’t take care of his yard. He just doesn’t like to. Also, he’s a pretty quiet guy, so there’s not often more than an acknowledging head nod if we see each other outside. So if it’s OK to say something, what should I say?

A: “Hey, neighbor! I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but there’s a patch of poison ivy in your backyard. If you need any help or tips on how to get rid of it, please let me know. I’d be happy to help.”

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Help! My Husband Is Having Sex With Our Marriage Counselor.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 21:27:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. An ethical obligation or revenge?: For the past year and a half, my husband and I have seen a marriage counselor, both individually and together as a couple. Our marriage counselor has always been critical of me and supportive of him, but my husband always told me I was imagining things. Lo and behold, the two of them were having an affair. I found out two weeks ago, and I’ve initiated divorce proceedings.

The only thing keeping me from reporting my former marriage counselor to the proper boards is that she’s a single mother supporting two young children. If I report her, she will likely lose her license and therefore her means to support herself and her kids.

I’m so furious and betrayed that I don’t know if I’m thinking straight. I don’t want to hurt her children in my anger. But I also feel obligated to report her. Would doing so be vindictive?

A: The reason therapists are not allowed to have sex with their clients is not because the people who make the rules are a bunch of killjoys. It’s because people seeking professional help from therapists are institutionally and personally vulnerable. Many are depressed and suffering from the aftereffects of trauma; some are suicidal. They are counting on their therapists to be trustworthy and reliable, and they reveal some of their most intimate secrets as a result of that trust. Sleeping with clients takes advantage of that trust and vulnerability.

There are reasons therapists have to be specially trained and licensed and why the law recognizes therapist-patient privilege and the privacy it affords patients. Therapists have an inherent power advantage over their clients, so we have laws in place that attempt to protect the clients from exploitation, whether or not the clients consider themselves to be willing participants.

All this is to say that disclosing your therapist’s malpractice to the relevant ethics board is not merely about you and your marriage. It will protect future patients. Whether or not you personally will feel gratified at the thought of her experiencing professional fallout from sleeping with your husband is not a sign that reporting her is the wrong thing to do. Make the report. She will have to figure out an alternate way to make a living.

On some level she was aware when she embarked on a sexual relationship with a client that she was running the risk of losing her practice, and she decided to play the odds. She may need to turn to friends and family for temporary support, apply for various social services, take a less prestigious and well-paying job, downsize her car and apartment, or make a variety of tradeoffs in order to care for her children. You are not throwing her out into the street or making anything impossible for her. She has options. The important thing is that she not be allowed to continue to practice as a marriage counselor after so profoundly disregarding the ethical foundation of marriage counseling.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Prudence! Mallory Ortberg takes your questions on manners, morals, and more. Please keep your questions succinct (recommended max. length is around 150 words). The chat is complete! You can find the write-up on Slate’s Dear Prudence, and look for next week’s submission page. You can also continue the conversation about this week's chat and read more of Prudie's advice on the Prudie Facebook Page.

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As Old As You Feel

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
A few months ago I posted an ad on an ageplay-related dating site. Role-playing with consenting adults is something I enjoy (discreetly). Since then I’ve met a wonderful woman, and we’re currently seeing one another. I recently received an email response to the ad, which I’d forgotten to take down—a mistake I have now fixed. The message was from a 14-year-old-girl. I responded saying I was sorry, but I am certainly too old for her and wished her luck finding someone her own age. Is that a sufficient response? Most of me wants to get as far away from the situation as possible, but I have a lingering concern that I might want to let her parents know that she’d been messaging older men on the internet. I know I’d like to know that about my child at that age, but I also know that everyone’s situation is different. What should I do?

—Young Love

I feel confident in offering this general piece of advice to all of my readers over the age of 18: Err on the side of communicating less with (purported) 14-year-olds on the internet, not more. There was no reason for you to reply to that message in the first place, since posting an ad doesn’t create an obligation on your part to reply to every single inquiry. But you did reply and communicated the relevant information, namely that you are too old for her, and there is nothing left for you to say. You have no way of knowing who this girl’s parents are (and no way to know if it really was a 14-year-old girl, which should be no surprise to you), and the odds of your being able to track them down and warn them to keep a closer watch on her internet activities are vanishingly small. Do not allow some parental or chivalrous fantasy to delude you into thinking you should have any further contact with this person. Whoever wrote that response is either a minor (in which case you should leave them alone), a cop (in which case you should leave them alone), or someone who’s so interested in immersive ageplay that they like to pose as teenage girls online without first obtaining consent from their scene partners (in which case you should definitely leave them alone). This is a flowchart where all roads lead to the same answer: Leave it alone.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I started dating a girl in January of this year, but we had been friends for a few months before that. In April, she came over to my house and tried to kill herself using some old medications of mine. I called an ambulance, talked to doctors, filled out paperwork, and called her parents. I kept in contact with both her and her family as much as possible over the next few days while also studying for my exams. After she had stabilized, I called her to break up with her. A few weeks later we got back in touch, texting and Facebook messaging each other. I really care about her and miss her. Is there any way I can get back together with her, or has that ship sailed? If I do try to get back with her, what do I say?

—Reconnected

That ship ought to sail. This is in no way to suggest that someone who’s depressed or suicidal shouldn’t, or doesn’t deserve to be, in a romantic relationship. It does mean that the odds are not good that you will be able to build a loving, healthy, mutually supportive relationship with someone who only two months ago attempted to kill herself in your home. She needs time to focus on safeguarding her own well-being and relearning how to treat her depression with the help of a medically supervised, therapeutic support network. If you two are ever going to reconnect in a way that’s not just mutually codependent, it’s going to be a long time in the future. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep in touch with her—you like talking to her and she could certainly use (appropriate, friendly) support from you. But for now, consider her as someone who is unavailable until further notice, and don’t try to rush back into a relationship that so recently ended in such a catastrophic fashion.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. We are very much in love and have been talking about getting married. He is the kindest and most genuine person I know. However, my one hesitation is that once I’m married, I won’t be able to have sexual experiences with other people. It’s not that he doesn’t satisfy me (he’s very good, and we’re great at communicating about sex and trying new things). It’s just that I’ve only had one other sexual partner, and I still want to explore. I’m bisexual and would like to have the chance to have sex with a girl at some point. The thing is, I don’t think I’m polyamorous, and I know if he wanted to have sex with someone else I’d be insanely jealous! So I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to let me have sex with other people. Perhaps it’s our slight age difference (I’m 21, and he’s 26 and has had more sexual partners than me). What are your thoughts?

—No Wild Oats

I’m sorry to disappoint you, because I think you’re hoping I’ll have a perfect solution to your problem that you just haven’t thought of. You have several options, none of them perfect, and only you can decide which trade-offs you’re willing to make. You can stay in what sounds like a pretty happy, monogamous relationship with your wonderful boyfriend, eventually marry him, and periodically wish you’d had the chance to sleep with more people before you two met. You can break up with him and lose the great relationship, but spend as much time as you like gaining sexual experience with as many women and men as you fancy. You can ask him for an unfair, one-sided hall pass to sexually experiment while staying together, which he may or may not go for. You don’t have to contemplate an entirely quid-pro-quo arrangement. Your sex life together does not have to be governed by a completely 50-50 sense of fairness. That’s not to say you shouldn’t treat one another with respect and seek to compromise wherever possible, but if you want to discuss the possibility of loosening some of your sexual restrictions for a while because you don’t have the same experience as your boyfriend and wish you did, that should at least be on the table as something you two can talk about. Don’t think it’s something you can’t ask for just because it’s not instantly reciprocal. There is a pretty big difference between a polyamorous relationship and what you’d be asking for.

Part of navigating adult life is figuring out what things you are and aren’t willing to live with. If you decide you want to keep your fantastic boyfriend and also have the chance to go on a Sexual Walkabout, you will have to ask for it, and, even if he says yes, spend a lot of time discussing boundaries and hard noes and feelings. You might not get it. He might also be hurt by the fact that you asked for it at all, because he’s his own, separate person. You have to decide for yourself if the benefits outweigh the risks, and act accordingly. Whatever you decide, you’re going to miss out on something else. That’s the nature of life. It’s just a question of what you’re not willing to miss, and pursuing that.

* * *

Dear Prudie: Was I Wrong to Buy My Son’s Girlfriend a Pregnancy Test?

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Dear Prudence,
My husband’s father died just before we got married, 17 years ago. He had been married to a woman with three daughters of her own, and the two had just had another baby girl at the time of his death. My husband and his brothers had a contentious relationship with their stepmother and stepsisters, and cut them out of their lives entirely after their father’s estate was settled. I have never forgotten my husband’s half-sister, that little girl, and it’s always bothered me that he walked away from her as well as his stepfamily. He didn’t consider it worth having a relationship with them in order to remain close to her.

Over the years I’ve often thought of her and tried to find out more about her—if she looks like her brothers, how she’s doing. I don’t know if her brothers care at all that she exists. Today I found her on Facebook through her mother’s profile. She’s 18 now. I’m not sure what to do with this information. Do I tell my husband I was looking for his sister? Do I just send him a link to the Facebook profile? I know better than to contact her without talking to him first, but I’d love to find out if she knows her brothers exist or if she was told horrible lies about them and hates them. I realize what a can of worms any contact with her will open.

—Found via Facebook

If you don’t know whether your husband ever thinks about his little sister and part of you thinks you should just send him a link to her Facebook profile without comment, I have to wonder just how often you and your husband actually speak to one another. Your husband knows he has a sister he hasn’t seen since she was a baby, so you don’t have any new information to provide him with just because you’ve seen her Facebook page. If you want to know what he thinks about her, you should ask him. If you’re curious why he seems so uninterested in ever getting to know her now that she’s an adult, you should ask him. If you find yourself thinking of her often and don’t understand why it seems to be different for him, then you should tell him and ask him what he thinks. This is a conversation that’s long overdue, and one you shouldn’t avoid having just because on the surface he appears content with the way things are.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I struggle with consistent employment, and my husband works retail. We live very conservatively and barely make ends meet. My mother (probably and justifiably assuming I’ve passed the point when I’m ever going to finish my degree) recently turned over to me the $20,000 trust she’d intended I use for college. I know from regrettable experience how quickly money can disappear into day-to-day expenses, and I don’t want the windfall to go to waste. There are also several large expenses that have been haunting us for a while that I could put the money toward (repairing and paying off the car, getting out of credit card debt, etc.). Should I use it immediately on something like that, sit on it and try to avoid using it as much as possible (knowing that it may be much diminished from one minor emergency after another), or block myself access to it completely to avoid the temptation and let it continue to accrue value while we keep on trying to become responsible, well-paid adults on our own?

—Sudden Surplus

Let’s begin with the very necessary and relevant reminder that I am not a professional financial adviser and that it may be well worth paying to speak with one for an hour or two about your options before making any decisions. My first question is whether you believe you’ve passed the point where you’re ever going to get your degree. If the money was originally earmarked for your college education, and you would like to finish going to college, you could absolutely use this money for its intended purpose. Depending on where you live, how far along you are in your coursework, and what institution you’d plan on attending, this $20,000 may finish paying for your schooling entirely, and might go a long way toward increasing your future earning potential. You could even split the difference if you think a bachelor’s at a four-year institution is untenable and get an associate’s degree from a nearby community college (which depending where you live might even be free)—that’s an awful lot cheaper than even the most no-frills state college.

If getting a degree is no longer your goal, you have plenty of options. The good news is none of the options you outlined in your letter sound reckless or unrealistic. Having a fully paid-off, reliable car is nothing to sneeze at, and neither is getting out of credit card debt. Accomplishing either (or both, if possible) of those goals would very much be in keeping with your desire to become responsible, financially stable adults. Figure out what your biggest values are (getting a degree? Getting out of debt? Starting a retirement account that you can’t touch so you don’t have to keep worrying you haven’t started a retirement account yet?), consult a professional who can advise you how to get the most value from your money, and good luck.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Is there a newer definition of the term queer than I am familiar with? Growing up, queer seemed to be a pejorative that was reclaimed by the LGBT community. As a cisgender man I’d worry about coming across odd, maybe offensive, if I called a gay or lesbian friend queer, but it was a term they claimed for themselves. (Which I totally understand.) It seems as if queer now seems to refer to either bisexual or gender-neutral people, although from context it’s not quite clear to me which one it is (or both?). Not that labels matter, but it does help in understanding how people classify themselves.

—Unclear on Queer

There is! So, let’s have a quick primer for anyone whose first response to seeing the word queer is “That’s weird, I thought that word was only used by playground bullies in the ’80s—why is it on the cover of this sociology book/the name of this dance party/something the chipper brunette at this party just used to describe himself?” The word queer originally meant “peculiar,” had a long and flourishing run as a pejorative, then shifted again in the 1980s when academics and activists reclaimed the word. Queer Nation was founded in 1990, the term New Queer Cinema was coined in 1992, and in academic circles “queer theory” was introduced as a sort-of offshoot of post-structuralist critical theory around the same time. As you rightly observe, queer encompasses multiple identities—“queer women” can refer to both gay and bisexual women, for example—which makes it a useful shorthand if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed by the alphabet soup of initialisms.

For what it’s worth, I think labels matter very much! That’s not to say labels are required or static or can’t change, but I do think labels have gotten an unnecessarily bad rap over the last few years. Labels help like-minded people find one another, communicate significant and important truths about our identities and attractions and relationships, and promote a shared history. That’s not to say we should run around demanding other people provide us with reductive sound bites of their identities, but as you yourself point out—they help us understand how other people think of themselves, and that’s a good thing.

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Undercover Lover

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 10:00:00 GMT

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the new Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. DADT or bust?: My wife of 20 years has informed me she’s not so interested in sex any more (maybe quarterly?) and that perhaps I should get a girlfriend on the side. Only this would have to be superdiscreet, no sleepovers, no hosting, and none of our friends or family or kids can ever find out. We live in a small town so it looks like any girlfriend will probably have to be long distance. Does that sound reasonable, or do you think I’m being given a freedom I can never really take advantage of but that lets my wife feel less guilty in the process? I don’t want her to feel guilty, but I also don’t want the conversation to be shut down with an offer I can’t reasonably use.

A: What she’s offering sounds difficult but not necessarily impossible. There are plenty of ways to meet women who are interested in casual sex (not that they’re all growing on trees or that you’ll always be interested in the ones who are interested in you, just that there are bars and apps and the whole wide, weird, sex-seeking Internet at your disposal), but they might not necessarily be interested in becoming a potential girlfriend. If all you’re looking for is casual sex with amenable partners, you have options. If what you’re looking for is one woman who’s down for hooking up a few times a week or month, always at her place, never at yours, and who will never tell anyone about the two of you—that’s going to be pretty tough to find.

Q. Don’t like my godchild: I’m the godparent to a kid named “Elizanthonius.” I love the parents dearly and was honored to receive this recognition. However, Elizanthonius is a volatile time bomb of rage, sadness, biting, stealing, and injury to self and others. I can’t stand this kid. It’s not kids in general; it’s just Elizanthonius. The couple has other kids, who are great; and we have other friends with kids that are generally enjoyable (or at least tolerable). Whenever I’m around Elizanthonius, I pretend to like him. I put a smile on my face, give out gifts and hugs, play games, etc. This is my game plan until I or Elizanthonius dies. I guess my question is: Is this the correct approach? I hang onto this until the grave, right?

Thanks,
Elizanthonius’ Uncle

A: Yes! I can lend my full-throated support to your strategy. “Grin and bear it and hope he grows out of it” is the absolute right choice for Elizanthonius’ godparent, as long as you’re not being asked to babysit on a daily basis. You can’t (and shouldn’t) tell his parents you don’t like him or offer them unsolicited parenting advice, although you can certainly offer your sympathy and support if they ever try to talk to you about the unique challenges their toughest kid poses. Hopefully your friends are doing their level best to manage their kid’s violent behavior toward others, but since you don’t say that they seem either neglectful or on the verge of totally losing it, you don’t have an obligation to intervene further.

Q. Leave out of résumé?: I offered my opinion to my cousin about this, but she disagrees. Maybe you can solve the dispute: She’s applying for a master’s degree and needs to include her CV. She was previously enrolled in an MA program on a different subject at a different university, and though she completed several semesters, she never finished the program. She wants to include that she studied there, but not that she has a degree. This is because she thinks by leaving it off her résumé she’s hiding something, and if the admissions office finds out she intentionally didn’t include it, it would harm her chances at acceptance. I think it’s irrelevant, and that including it could suggest a lack of commitment that may make them hesitate to accept her into this program. Also relevant: She had some jobs in the area of her former university that she will definitely include on the CV (both because they’re relevant and they account for a couple of years of her life); these would be a big hint that she was a student there.

A: If your cousin were applying for a Ph.D. program, it might pose more of a problem, but schools generally look at students going for a master’s degree as cash cows, because they’re not eligible for much of the same financial aid or TA stipends as doctoral candidates. They’ll be happy to take her money either way. It will likely come up during the application process, and your cousin should be prepared to answer some questions about why she did not complete her last MA program. If it will be clear that she attended her last school based on her work history, then she has nothing to gain by omitting her educational history. Plenty of people include unfinished degrees on their résumé—there’s plenty of specific advice about how to do so properly on a CV—so it’s not necessarily a black mark by itself.

(Would love to hear from anyone working in graduate admissions, or an unfinished MA, who have specific advice on how to best address this!)

Q. BFF after baby?: Ever since I found out I was pregnant, my best friend has been pulling away. Once I had my daughter she went silent, barely responding to texts. We live on opposite sides of the country, and when she made plans to be out here for a few days, I cleared my schedule to go see her and introduce her to my daughter. She said she wasn’t sure she would have enough time and then didn’t text me at all while she was here. We recently made plans to go to her side of the country, and I asked if we could meet up, and she avoided the question. I had left her alone for a few weeks and am the one to text first. Is it just me? I know the baby has taken lots of my time, but I feel slighted when I see that I’m the one initiating all our contact. I don’t think it’s jealousy, although she cannot have children she has been adamant that she doesn’t want them. Should I just leave her alone until she’s ready to talk? Keep being the one to say hi first? I miss my best friend!

A: She’s your best friend, so tell her what’s bothering you. Whatever her reasons are for pulling away, you’re not asking her to do something unreasonable. You want her to meet your child, and to periodically text you, and the fact that she doesn’t want to do either means you have to get more direct. Don’t just try to make plans with her again—say “I’ve missed our friendship since my daughter was born. It hurts me that you’ve pulled away and avoided seeing me and meeting my child. You’re an important part of my life and I don’t want to lose you. Can we talk about this?” This friendship may not be salvageable—sometimes, sadly, people drop off at significant life milestones, even people who were previously very close to you—but it’s worth discussing this directly with her, not just waiting it out until she feels like seeing you again.

Q. Re: Leave out of résumé: If your cousin is applying for financial aid, they will see that she studied there. She should include it in her résumé and address it in a cover letter or essay. If it prompted careful thinking and evaluation, this sort of growing experience is a positive thing.

Signed, someone who does grad school admissions.

A: Good to know—it’s much better to address a potential roadblock yourself than to let the admissions department find out themselves, especially if there are so many possible ways for them to uncover this information.

Q. Unsympathetic spouse in a divorce: In January, my wife (of two years) told me that she is gay and that she wanted to end our marriage. I was (and have been) as supportive as I could be in the face of this shocking development. During this coming out conversation, my wife told me (for the first time) that she had been out in college and that friends and family members had known. Since then, and in the process of the divorce, we have shared the house that we own together. Through much of this process she has been relatively difficult, and has pushed very hard in every step of the process, not being particularly sympathetic to my grief and seemingly oblivious to the fact that her withholding this information from me during every portion of our relationship is the reason that we are in this situation. I have gone to a therapist during portions of this process and, as with many grief struggles, go through moments of being fine and moments of depression.

Recently, she has begun to date and has begun to pressure me to make a decision about the house as soon as possible (i.e., whether I will be able to buy her out, which as a youngish person with not a ton of notice is difficult, or whether we should sell the house, something I don’t really want to do). I’ve tried to stay calm during all of this but am running out of ideas, patience, and hope. Any tips on dealing with someone who has uprooted my life and is totally unsympathetic?

A: You’re already getting divorced from her, which is a great first step. If you’re still sort of thinking of her as your wife, the fact that she’s “uprooted your life” and is “totally unsympathetic” to your grief is shocking and painful. If you’re thinking of her as your ex-wife, while it still hurts, it’s entirely in keeping with her role in your life. You cannot look to your ex to affirm your experience of the divorce. Part of getting through this means accepting that your ex-wife does not (and may not ever!) realize how hard this has been for you. I don’t mean to minimize your pain in any way when I say that part of the freedom you will come to know in this divorce is realizing that you two are no longer partners, no longer expected to share one another’s emotional experience. This will not be an immediately joyous freedom, but it will release you from a certain kind of pressure. I’m glad you’ve been seeing a therapist, and I hope you’re also sharing your grief with your friends and family who can be there for you in meaningful ways that your ex can’t.

Don’t make it your job to be “as supportive as possible” to her, because that’s not something you owe her. It’s unclear if you two are still living together in your shared house, but if you are, I strongly encourage you to find another place to stay, even if it’s crashing on a friend’s or a relative’s couch. Once you’ve been able to mentally reassign her to the “ex-wife” category, ask yourself what you owe someone you’re divorcing—basic respect, politeness, and a reasonable response to pertinent questions about the dissolution of your marriage. That’s it! If you’re not ready to buy her out, then you can tell her what you are and aren’t prepared to do financially right now, and direct her future questions about shared assets to your lawyer. If it makes you uncomfortable to hear about her dating, then keep your conversations with her brief and minimal. If she pushes for increased closeness, you can absolutely tell her, “This has been really difficult for me, and I need space. Let’s keep our conversations limited to the details of our divorce.”

Q. Mad mother: For years I’ve been butting heads with my mother, even now that I’ve moved out. If it isn’t her degrading my clothes or talking poorly about my dates, she’s calling me dramatic, telling me I’ll “grow up” on politics, or disputing everything I say. The other day, I was forced to out myself as bisexual to her and she exploded. She accused me of lying and saying things just to be dramatic. I don’t want to interact with her anymore and she hasn’t contacted me. Half of my friends say she is abusive and to cut her off, but I feel like I’m somehow responsible or need to maintain contact. What do I do?

A: You’re not responsible for your mother, but neither are you obligated to cut her off if it’s important to you to maintain some sort of contact with her. It sounds like you could (and probably should) use some time and space from your relationship with her, but if you want to have an occasional phone call or lunch date with her while still acknowledging that she’s generally unkind and unsupportive, then that’s your prerogative. As long as she’s not compromising your safety or putting you in danger, you get to make the call about whether and how to keep her in your life. Your first priority should be for your own mental and emotional health, however, so don’t rush to get back in touch with someone who thinks your sexual orientation is a lie and a bid for attention. I’ll make my customary plug for therapy, because Jerk Moms are a great reason to see a therapist, and it will probably help you figure out how to set boundaries with her in the future. You can let your mom know that you love her and that you’re available to talk when she’s ready, but that your bisexuality is not up for debate or criticism; if she’s not able to be civil about your sexuality, then it’s not going to be a topic of discussion between the two of you. Don’t rush to reconcile with her, and don’t make it your job to calm her down. Take this break in your relationship to focus on yourself and figure out what’s important to you.

Q. Leave out of résumé?: I believe the appropriate thing to say is: “Attended XYZ University; courses included ....” with no mention of a degree. Gives her credit for what she did accomplish, but does not mislead.

A: That does seem to be the standard way of reporting participation without the awarding of a degree, based on a cursory Googling. If the LW is afraid that simply including the information might look like their cousin is trying to hide something, have no fear—résumé readers will definitely understand that if a candidate doesn’t list a degree awarded, it means they didn’t receive it.

Q. Boyfriend won’t remove ex on Facebook: When my boyfriend and I started speaking again a year ago after a long period of silence, I assumed that he was interested in dating again. He told me he “wasn’t ready” to date, so I was very surprised and upset when he decided to go on a date with another woman on his birthday a few weeks after we resumed contact. He continued seeing her behind my back, and speaking to her after we were officially dating. (I spent Thanksgiving with his family, and he didn’t mention that his girlfriend was there with him when they chatted, and he told her about spending the holiday with family!)

They haven’t spoken since November (when I looked at his phone to see if they were in contact and laid down some ultimatums), but I don’t see why he should remain connected with her on Facebook and Instagram—it really annoys me to see her name whenever she “likes” one of his photos or whatever. Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to cut ties completely? (We live together now and are going to get married, but the reminder really smarts, especially since we have a difficult past for other reasons.)

A: You’re not unreasonable in wanting him to cut ties with her, but you are being unreasonable if you think they haven’t spoken since November. He’s just gotten slightly better at covering his tracks.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks for stopping by, everyone. See you next week!

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Runaway Pre-Bride

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 19:31:00 GMT

Mallory Ortberg: Good morning! Are you troubled? Listless? Downcast in your very soul? Me too. Let’s chat a while.

Q. Uncertain: I’m in my early 40s, never married, no kids, but always wanted both. I’m in a relationship of 10 months. The guy could not be sweeter or a person of better character. He loves me and treats me well. I was so in love the first six months but he is increasingly getting on my nerves—he is a bit quirky and goofy. And I don’t always find it amusing; increasingly I find it irritating. I have had several relationships like this (start out great, then fall apart at eight months or a year), and I am starting to wonder if I’m just projecting my insecurities onto him or if I need to end the relationship. I am in therapy. I just feel like there’s got to be something wrong with me if I have dated all these different men and nothing’s stuck. I long to be like most of my friends: married, settled, happy, in a family, kiddos running around.

A: I don’t know if you should break up with him! Look, if your goal is merely to get married and see a bunch of running children, then you can probably make that happen, likely with this guy, and then probably get divorced in a few years. But if your goal is to marry someone you feel pretty strongly about, who you (on average) like more than you dislike, then you should probably take a little time to explore this discomfort and irritation. I’m not inclined to offer a sweeping pronouncement about your dating history because there’s not quite enough detail here to do so. Maybe you’ve backed off of your past relationships at the year mark because there’s something about long-term intimacy that frightens you (I mean, it frightens most people), or maybe you’ve ended things because none of those people were especially well-suited for you.

Do you find yourself irritated with your boyfriend most of the time? Does being around him generally feel neutral, does it feel exciting, or does it raise your hackles and make you feel pre-emptively annoyed at the thought of dealing with his personality quirks? Are there particular habits that get under your skin, and if so, could you see yourself saying something to him about them? If you want to marry and have children with someone, odds are you’re going to be signing up for dealing with at least some idiosyncracies that drive you bonkers. The fact that you considered yourself “so in love” for the first six months of your relationship and are now experiencing a significant drop in affection and tolerance suggests that either you two aren’t especially compatible and once the sheen of new love wore off you began to realize that, and/or something about getting to know someone at a deeper level than just “You love caramel corn and podcasts about unsolved murders too? But I thought I was the only one!” makes you irritable, restless, and uncomfortable. I can’t tell you which one (or which combination of the two) it is, but if you’re interested in trying to break a pattern, consider speaking up in the moment if and when your boyfriend does something that significantly bothers you while also seeking to cultivate patience. This may sound goofy, but something as simple as breathing deeply or thinking “This is a person I care about and want to know better” when you find yourself getting reflexively frustrated might help you get through the moment and figure out if his goofiness is actually a dealbreaker for you.

Q. Wedding year: About a year and a half ago, one of my best friends from college proposed to his girlfriend. She was desperately waiting for it to happen and was elated when it finally came around. The only problem is she is literally commanding this is her wedding YEAR. Another friend in our crew got engaged a few months later, and she accused her of trying to steal her wedding year—and stopped talking to her until she got an apology and a promise she wouldn’t set a date for the same year she was getting married. I wish I could make this shit up. My SO and I quietly got engaged (we’re very laid-back people who tend not to shout about things, it would have happened the same way if our friend were acting sane) but I’m actually afraid to tell any of our friends as their wedding is in about six weeks, and I’m afraid she’s going to go nuts on me like she did our other friend. Should we keep it under wraps until after the wedding? Let word get around as it will, and deal with her if she decides to lose her marbles at us? I’m not very close with this girl, but my friendship with her fiancé is important to me so I don’t want something like this to cause a rift.

A: I don’t think it will be easy for you and your SO to pull off a full Frank Churchill–from-Emma for six weeks, although you’re welcome to try if you think it’s worth the skulking around. (Would you hide your engagement rings? Ask your family members to keep it a secret from your friends? The logistics of doing so sound pretty complicated!) Odds are, though, if this girl ever gets wind of when you two got engaged, even if it’s after her own wedding, she’ll find sufficient justification to blow up at you, too. If this woman decides to yell at you for becoming affianced, that’s a real opportunity for her fiancé to lovingly encourage her to amend her bad behavior. It may be worth experiencing a rift with him, no matter how close you two are, if he’s not willing to say or do anything when the woman he’s planning on marrying acts like an overbearing, self-centered jerk. Don’t go out of your way to engage with her, but do share your exciting news with your close friends. The whole “During the year of my wedding, everyone else’s life should be on hold” policy is not one you should consider capitulating to.

(Is it terrible that part of me wants to set your Bridezilla up with the couple that got engaged during someone else’s wedding reception we heard about a few weeks ago? That would make for an incredible double date.)

Q. Don’t like anyone: There’s a guy at my workplace who is ... unpleasant. In addition to his socially unappealing but not to be helped issues—he has poor hygiene, bites his nails until they bleed, talks compulsively—he tells lies about people, is inappropriate with the younger members of staff, and I am pretty sure he groped a female member of staff when she drank too much at an office party. (He said she’d fallen and he caught her; I can’t say I’ve ever caught someone by the boobs, but it was decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.)

Anyhow, basically if anyone wanted to pursue a complaint against him I’d support them. The office would be a nicer place to work if he was gone. However, I am not comfortable with the mockery and borderline bullying that people are engaging in. They laugh at him behind his back, encourage him in oversharing to mock him, invite him to coffee or drinks and then don’t turn up. He’s a horrible, borderline sex-pest, but this behavior is always deeply unpleasant to me. I just don’t know how to address it, or even if I should. (I’m in a different department but share the same office. So I don’t really have any authority here. I’m also too old to come into the line of fire for his unpleasant talk/flirting otherwise I’d have just pushed a complaint myself.)

A: Your best strategy is to stay out of it, I think, especially because none of the people involved report to you and you’re not in his department. If any of your colleagues are gossiping about him or making plans to set him up for social embarrassment with or near you, just say, “I have to get back to work,” or even, “Please don’t talk to me about this.” Then get back to your work, and give all of these deeply unpleasant people a wide berth. That said, if you ever directly witness any future acts of sexual harassment from this guy, you should report what you’ve seen. In the meantime, have you considered looking for a different job? All of your co-workers sound pretty awful, and I can’t imagine it’s much fun to work in an office with a bunch of people who all think they’re in the Tudor Court.

Q. How do you tell if you are being ghosted?: I met someone on Tinder a month and a half ago—our first date was about a month ago. We have gone out five or six times since then. We were texting nearly constantly (every few hours), with the texting easing up a bit over the last week (still daily but not constant throughout the day—this was post a sleepover where we finally did more than just kiss). On Friday, he said he felt sick and wasn’t sure about our date that night. I said I was busy most of the rest of the weekend, would he like to at least say a quick hello—that I missed him. He said yes, but then at the end of workday texted an apology about not feeling well (multiple “I’m sorrys” and “promise to make it up to you ... can I have a raincheck?”) and needing to just rest. I said I understood and hoped he felt better, to which he wrote another “thanks ... I really am sorry.” I replied again telling him not to worry about it. I have not heard from him since then. Is he ghosting me? What is the right thing to do? I liked him, up until now, far more than anyone I have dated since September. Where do I go from here?

A: In answer to your first question: Yes, probably. In answer to your second: Feel sad about it, try not to spend too much time speculating why he’s backed off because there is no good answer to why someone isn’t interested in continuing to date you, then go out on a date with someone else. Rinse and repeat until you find someone who’s as consistently excited about you (even after sleeping together) as you are about them.

Q. Re: Wedding year: I was going to suggest: 1) announce your engagement, 2) during the bridezilla’s wedding ceremony (that you are officiating), 3) while wearing the same color as the bridesmaids.

If you’re gonna go for a meltdown, try for the hat trick.

A: Don’t even stop there: Get an engagement ring designed in exactly the same style as hers.

Q. I didn’t include my rapist in “my number”: I was raped by an acquaintance about a year ago. The idea of dating was scary, but I met a great guy a couple months ago. He’s great—sweet, sensitive, treats me well, and listens attentively. Things are starting to get serious, so I finally told him about my sexual assault. He was quiet for a moment and then asked if I had included my rapist in “my number.” I was caught off-guard by the question but answered honestly and told him no. He’s been struggling with this ever since, and I’m not sure what to do. I don’t feel the previous guy should be included. Am I wrong?

A: Good God, no, you are not in the wrong—how horrifying that your boyfriend would make you question that for even a minute. The number of people you have slept with does not, cannot, and should not include sexual assault. You wouldn’t count being mugged on the street if you were listing all the times you’d donated to charity. The fact that your boyfriend asked in the first place, or that he’s “struggling” with the fact that you don’t consider being raped part of your relevant consensual sexual history is an absolute dealbreaker, and categorically cancels out the “listens attentively” and “treats me well” portion of the list of your boyfriend’s attributes. I’m so sorry he put you in that position. He is not a good or compassionate person, and you should break up with him.

Q. Selling the family house: My family has a lake house on a large set of land that was built by my great-grandfather. My husband and I bought out my sisters’ shares over 20 years ago and have gotten a generous offer on the property. The upkeep is too much for us now, and all the kids and their cousins don’t want to visit anymore. The last time anyone other than my husband and I visited was three years ago. We told the rest of the family we were selling and to come and claim any mementos before the summer ended. The hue and cry that rose up completely blindsided us. I had a niece calling us crying about wanting her wedding to be there. (She is not engaged.) One sister accused us of insulting our dead parents’ memory and took up a collection to buy back the property from us: It is $10,000 less than what we paid them over 20 years ago. My husband just wants to sell and thinks my sisters are crazy. The guilt is getting to me though. What should I do?

A: Sell the house and tell your siblings you are no longer accepting feedback (or below-market, 20-years-outdated bids) about your real estate decisions.

Q. Re: “I didn’t include my rapist in ‘my number’ ”: Seems likely that the BF doesn’t know how to talk about the LW being a rape victim. I doubt his response has to do with whether or not she included it in her number. He probably only asked that because he had no idea what he was supposed to say.

A: I want to grant people a lot of room to have no idea what to say in the face of something difficult or painful, but this exhibits a lack of basic common sense and decency. Stumbling over your words or saying “I’m not really sure what to say here” is one thing; saying, “Did you include your rapist on the list of sexual partners I’ve asked you to provide me with?” is another. It’s not something a reasonable, caring person might say in the process of figuring out a better response. It’s cruel, it’s warped, it places an unnecessary emotional burden on his girlfriend, and it elides the crucial, absolutely imperative distinction between consensual sex and an act of violence one has suffered.”

Q. Shirt etiquette: What’s an acceptable level of nudity post-workout? I think I can take my shirt off and put on a new one in the common areas, especially when changing rooms are at a premium. I wouldn’t have a problem with women doing so either. Thoughts?

A: Sure, go for it! Also, I will pass along your nonchalance on the matter to other women, although I think it will probably take more than one individual’s shirt-agnosticism to change the general attitude toward shirtless women in public places.

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Help! I Was Depressed and Neglected My Personal Hygiene. Do I Owe My Boss an Apology?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 19:30:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Worse Than Nanny McPhee: I have a pretty mortifying problem, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I work as a nanny for two children. When I started, I was also dealing with depression and anxiety. These two mental conditions did not impede my job, but they really took a toll on my personal hygiene. Frankly, I would go several days without showering, brushing my teeth, or wearing deodorant. My clothes were often sloppy or dirty. I am very ashamed of this period in my life.

I am on medication and doing much better, but I look back and cringe at my past hygiene. Honestly, on bad days, I still pull my greasy hair in a bun and skip brushing. I think that my bosses definitely noticed—I have seen them giving me strange looks when, say, I wore wrinkled pants with cat hair on them, repeated clothes two or three times a week, or didn’t brush my teeth or wash my face.

It’s deeply shameful for me to think about, but they have never said anything to me about it. I am wondering if I should acknowledge why my appearance was so subpar and apologize for it. One of my friends said that if they had had a problem with it, they would have said something to me. It might also be my anxiety playing mind games in my head. But I just can’t get past the embarrassment of my past hygiene.

A: You don’t owe your employers an apology, especially if they’ve never said anything to you about the subject. You’re getting treatment for a medical condition, and your hygiene has improved considerably as a result. That’s great, and I hope you’re giving yourself credit for all you’ve done to care for yourself. If you still occasionally put your hair in a bun, please don’t beat yourself up over it (maybe carry a small container of dry shampoo with you if you’re feeling self-conscious—that stuff is invaluable).

You say they noticed your appearance in the past but didn’t say anything to you, which means they’ve likely noticed how much better you’re doing now and did not consider it something you owed them an explanation about. Since you work with small children and not in, say, a courtroom, they likely didn’t see it as a work-related issue. You’re doing much better now, and I’m sure your employers are happy for you.

One of the symptoms of depression and anxiety is heightened self-scrutiny and self-recrimination, and I think that’s what’s going on here. Go easy on yourself, as much as possible. That doesn’t mean you won’t still periodically experience bouts of self-recrimination. Just remind yourself in those moments that you are doing everything you can to treat your depression and anxiety and that your employers think you’re doing a good job.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Three Pigs

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been married eight years. He works with his brother—they’re pretty close, although they’ve drifted apart over the years thanks to his brother’s hard-partying lifestyle. (My husband and I have a family.) Before we got married, my husband and I had an on-again/off-again relationship. During one of those times, his brother and I remained good friends, and he set me up with a co-worker of his. This co-worker ended up drugging and raping me. It took me a long time to accept that this happened, and I never filed charges. We had been dating for a few months; I’d met his mom and daughter, we’d been intimate many times. It just didn’t make sense.

Now, years later, my husband tells me he overheard his brother bragging to guys on their crew about how his friend would date a girl, then drug her and videotape himself raping her to show others. He also informs me he’d seen this tape of his previous assaults many years ago (his brother had a copy) and never told me. For years I wanted to believe my brother-in-law didn’t know his friend was going to hurt me. Now knowing he practically orchestrated it is tearing me up. The fact that my husband saw this video years ago and never told me has been a crushing blow.

I want to confront my brother-in-law so much and being around him at get-togethers is painful. The problem is he has spiraled in these years from playboy to drug addict and is increasingly self-destructive. If by confronting him I tip him into an overdose, not only would that cause me more pain, I don’t know what would happen between my husband and me. That’s my other problem. This puts my husband in a very tangled middle. I want him to do something but then I don’t know what to expect from him. He carries on like nothing has happened and when I told him it makes me feel worthless that someone can do this to me and not even be confronted, he responds that I’m not going to put a wedge between him and his brother. What should I do?

—Not So Secret

I am so sorry that you have been assaulted and betrayed by not one but three men you believed you could trust. Your husband is not in the “very tangled middle” of anything. He and his brother have both known for years that the man who drugged and raped you is a habitual, unrepentant predator who makes a habit of recording and boasting about his crimes, and neither of them have done anything either to protect you or to prevent him from raping again. That he would accuse you now of trying to drive a wedge in between him and his brother by objecting to his continued silence beggars belief. Moreover, if you spoke to your brother-in-law you would not be in any way responsible if he were to later overdose. What your husband and his brother have done is so far beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior that any sort of reconciliation is not only impossible, it’s undesirable. You should not have to spend another night in the same house as a man who saw a video of your rapist’s assaults, knows the same thing later happened to you, and said nothing until now. Your husband is not a good man. His brother is not a good man. Neither one of them deserve your love or your trust. They are not the men you thought they were.

I imagine that right now you must feel disoriented and completely without support. Please consider seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual assault and trauma. You deserve the chance to talk about this with someone who doesn’t try to convince you to “get over it” or keep the peace in the family. Then, at some point you can decide if and how you’d like to contact any authorities (it’s possible you would not be the first to say something, should you choose to). If you need to speak to someone now, or anytime, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE)—it’s free and confidential.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I was born on the same day at the same hospital as a woman who has now been in my social circle for 28 years, though we are not particularly close. This has always posed a logistical problem when we try to celebrate. We either plan separate birthday parties (which is inconsiderate toward friends who have to choose), or plan an event together (which isn’t fun for me because she has five siblings who make a big deal about her gifts and her cake while my family is smaller and doesn’t get all that excited about birthdays).

This year I am particularly unhappy because, for the second time, I have received an invitation to a surprise birthday party for the other woman thrown by her sisters. I am very upset at the thought of spending my birthday at a party being thrown exclusively for someone else, and last time I attended her surprise birthday party I left early and cried on the drive home because it made me feel so overlooked. These feelings have been building since elementary school when her mother would bring birthday cake and balloons to school, and our birthday was completely focused on her. I can’t throw my own party that day without putting our mutual friends in an awkward position. I am wondering, do I need to gracefully accept the invitation and grin and bear it, or can I tell her sisters I am not coming because I don’t enjoy going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday? If her birthday were any other day, I would happily celebrate with her, as I do like her, but I find her family’s birthday fervor upsetting.

—Happy Birthday to Me

There is a very easy fix to this problem! Do not attend this woman’s birthday party. Schedule your own for the following weekend. You two are not inextricably bound to one another, like two Bearers of the One Ring, just because you happen to have been born on the same day. Do not force yourself to sit through a party you know you won’t enjoy and then cry in your car. Do not cry alone in your car unless it is absolutely unavoidable; take every opportunity to minimize the possibility of solo car-crying. You two are acquaintances—treat invitations to her birthday party as you would for any other casual friend, and feel enormously free to mark “no” on your RSVP. There’s no reason to explain to this woman’s sisters that you feel upset about how close she is to her large family. That’s completely unnecessary. Just say you won’t be able to make it but hope they all have a wonderful time.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I regularly host parties, and while we always invite all of our friends, the only person who attends every event is “Mitch.” Once a conversation about a problem I was having at work nearly turned into a screaming match because Mitch kept asking me over and over how I was going to fix it and wouldn’t let up until I gave him an answer that made him happy. Mitch was so upset that he slammed his hands on our table and took a long smoke break outside to “calm down.” After this incident I just avoided conversations with Mitch, but he still makes his irritation known. Recently we all went to a concert as a group, and Mitch kept saying how upset he was that it wasn’t a “guys’ night” and that he missed their college days before “everyone got a girlfriend and abandoned” him. Since then I have stopped going to events where Mitch will be unless it’s a big enough group that I don’t have to interact with him.

I’d avoided bringing this up with my boyfriend since I thought it was all in my head. However, in the past few months, multiple friends have pointed out Mitch’s rude behavior toward me. My boyfriend, however, doesn’t see it and dismisses me when I bring this up. He says Mitch is going through a tough time (job issues, financial struggles, etc.) so I should stop picking on him. I would be fine with this, but my boyfriend keeps making it worse by not letting me avoid Mitch. If we’re having game night and I can’t handle playing with Mitch anymore, my boyfriend will play my hand “until I’m ready” instead of letting me stay busy in the kitchen. If we’re having movie night my boyfriend doesn’t understand why I’ll sit on the opposite end of the room when there’s an empty seat by Mitch. It’s gotten to the point where these parties I used to look forward to stress me out so much that I don’t want to be in my own house. It’s becoming more awkward for everyone, not just me, but every time my boyfriend tries to get us to play nice something goes wrong. How can I fix this problem? If Mitch was my own friend I would have cut ties long ago but that doesn’t seem to be an option since he and my boyfriend are still on good terms.

—Party Pooper

If you spend a lot of time on the DWIL boards, as I do (that’s the “Dealing With In-Laws” section of Babycenter.com), then you’ll quickly become familiar with the expression “You don’t have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem.” It’s not universally applicable, but the crux is this: Your problem is only seemingly with Mitch. The real problem is your boyfriend, who isn’t content to let you keep a polite distance between Mitch and yourself in order to minimize conflict. Instead he is actively trying to force contact between you two and dismisses your concerns about his rudeness whenever you raise them. If all you’ve tried to do is sit on a different side of the room and periodically take a breather in the kitchen when Mitch is getting on your nerves, but your boyfriend considers that to be “picking on” his friend, then you two have a very different understanding of what picking on someone actually entails. The next step is to talk with your boyfriend about how he should support, rather than undermine, your need for occasional space from his buddy. Explain to him that while you and Mitch are never going to be best friends, you’re not interested in getting in the way of the friendship he has with your boyfriend or in starting any fights with him. Part of what that means is that you’ll sometimes take a break from interacting with him, and your boyfriend should understand this—which means no pausing the game for you if you retreat to the kitchen, and no asking you why you’re not sitting closer to Mitch during movie night. If he can’t commit to that, then consider occasionally making alternate plans with other friends that are out of the house and away from Mitch during nights when you know he’s going to be the guest of honor.

* * *

Dear Prudie: My slovenly employee keeps getting the staff sick.

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Dear Prudence,
A close cousin spent the last five years in prison, and I was one of the few members of our large family who stayed in contact with him. He was released a couple of months ago and I’ve helped him by way of giving him rides, furnished his apartment, and offering him odd jobs to do. Since he doesn’t have a car, I let him borrow mine to get the work done and told him I needed it back by Monday morning. He didn’t show up, but promised to have the car back by Tuesday. He didn’t show up again but called with a series of excuses (he was offered work, he had a terrible weekend and was disinvited to an out-of-town event, etc.). I felt bad for him, and when he finally showed up that afternoon, I tried to comfort him. Later my husband used the car to pick up our kids and noticed the car had clearly been in an accident and badly repaired (think a can of spray paint amateurishly applied). We were both angry and shocked, and my husband asked my cousin what happened (I hid in the house). He claimed someone smashed into him in the parking lot of the hotel he was staying at and that he couldn’t tell me so he tried to fix it himself. My husband told him we have full coverage insurance and could have had the car fixed professionally.

I’m not mad about the “accident” but the fact that he didn’t tell me what happened. I also don’t believe his story and all the subsequent stories he told afterward. I’m angry that I spent time consoling him, telling him people make mistakes, that everyone deserves forgiveness. The problem is that I’m now going against all the advice I gave him because I don’t trust him and don’t really want to talk to him anymore. What say you?

—Feeling Fleeced

There are plenty of steps you can take to address this situation before deciding not to speak to your cousin again. It’s great that your husband is supportive in this situation, but I’m a little struck by the discrepancy between your five years of steadfast communication while your cousin was in prison and the image of you hiding inside the house while your husband discussed your car with your relative outside. If you’re angry with him, tell him. That doesn’t mean you have to explode at him, but you both can and should explain that his behavior damaged your trust, that you’re more upset that he tried to cover up the accident, and that you can’t allow him to use your car anymore. If he responds angrily, you may decide that you need to limit your contact with him. You may also decide that there are certain types of support you’re not comfortable offering him, and that’s fine too. But don’t unilaterally cut off all contact with your cousin without first at least having a (husband-free) conversation with him.

You seem to be frustrated at least in part with yourself for ever having trusted your cousin, or for trying to help him—I think that’s the wrong impulse. Yes, he breached your trust and it’s appropriate to refuse to lend him your car again, but I don’t think your admirable compassion (or fundamental belief in forgiveness and the possibility of change) should be revoked after this disappointment. The severity of his breach of trust, while irresponsible and frustrating, is not worthy of being disowned.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My older sister recently came out as trans, and I know to refer to him as my older brother now. Before he transitioned, he dated a girl for about four years, and since we were close siblings I became close to his girlfriend as well. They broke up at the start of last year but stayed friends, and I now consider her my best friend. I had a boyish crush on her for ages, but now that I’m 20 and she’s 22 it’s developed into a lot more than that. Both my brother and his ex have dated other people since they broke up but I’m concerned about a few things before making any moves. Is it morally acceptable to date my brother’s ex? Also, I’m almost certain she also has feelings for me and is waiting for me to make a move, but what if I’m wrong? I’ve never been in a relationship before and I don’t want to lose her as my best friend. But I also don’t want to regret what might have been.

—Should I Speak Up?

To answer your first question: There’s not necessarily a hard-and-fast universal rule about dating a sibling’s ex, although I’m not familiar with a great many beautiful, inspiring, lifelong love stories that started that way. To answer your second: If you’re wrong, then she’ll say no when you ask her out, and you two will either go back to being friends or things will change permanently between you. Also, whether or not she returns your feelings, you risk hurting your brother deeply. The inclusion of your brother’s seemingly-unrelated transition seems to imply you think his past relationships might suddenly mean less to him—I don’t think that’s the case. Even if he’s dated other people since, the two of them were together for a fairly long time and they broke up less than a year ago.

Since you’ve never been in a relationship before, I’d encourage you to give casual dating a shot, and try to go out with a few of the many, many women in the world who have never dated your older brother. If your feelings for this girl persist after you’ve gained more experience, then you might consider having a conversation with your brother about whether he’d be comfortable with your asking her out after some more time has passed. Either way, give it time and speak to him first.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Three years ago my husband and I visited a friend’s house for dinner. They had two dogs, one of which had bitten the other in a fight. The injured dog was in another room because he had a raging infection and was on the verge of dying. They knew they couldn’t keep both dogs and offered us the nearly-dead one. For some reason, we accepted and worked hard to heal him and fell madly in love with him. We do everything to give him a ridiculously pampered life. We buy him expensive healthy food and get him regular checkups at the vet. The former owners love to see him and frequently say we give him a far superior life. They also frequently mention he is very fat. When we got him he was much smaller because he was so ill, and now he is a happy older dog. We feed him treats and run, play and walk him every day. It really annoys me that they frequently mention that when he lived with them they never let him get so fat. He’s nearly 12! The vet says he is a perfect size. I want to yell at them, “When you had him he was much slimmer but also nearly dead!” Should I stop this immediately next time or should I just get over it?

—Off Death’s Door

What you call a “ridiculously pampered life” sounds, at most, “mildly” pampered to me—sure, you buy your dog the expensive health food, but there’s nothing ridiculous about taking a pet to the vet for regular checkups or going for daily walks. It sounds like your friends’ definition of “fat” is a dog that is not actively dying of both starvation and a neglected, infected bite. I’m not sure why you’re still friends with these people, but yes, absolutely you can tell them to knock off the comments about your dog’s weight. While you’re at it, keep an eye on their remaining dog to make sure he’s not being mistreated too.

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The Kid’s Not My Godson

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 10:00:00 GMT

Q. Reluctant godparent: I’m nonreligious but very tolerant of other people’s beliefs (i.e. I don’t go around expounding on my atheism and mostly keep it to myself). Recently, I was asked by a good friend to serve as a godparent to his child. We have never discussed our personal beliefs, but I know him to be a relatively devout Catholic (goes to church every Sunday). For this reason, I felt the godparent role wasn’t something to take on casually as a mark of friendship. I would genuinely be responsible for that child’s religious education, if the worst were ever to happen. So I explained I’m not Catholic and didn’t think I was the right person, but expressed how much I want to be a fun and supportive “uncle.” My friend seemed cool about this. However, I’ve now been disinvited from the christening and wasn’t asked to go to their Memorial Day BBQ (an annual thing I usually bring a dish to). My partner thinks I should reach out and clarify, even apologize if I came off as rude or unaccepting of Catholicism. Prudie, I think my friend is more to blame than me! I feel very hurt and excluded. My partner says it doesn’t matter who’s right but what’s the mature thing to do, and he’s usually right. But honestly, an apology at this point wouldn’t be sincere. What’s your take?

A: I’m not sure why you think an apology from your friend “at this point” would be incapable of sincerity. I think it could quite possibly be meaningful and heartfelt! More to the point, I think the two of you have missed the opportunity to have a helpful, clarifying conversation at several points along the way. I understand your reluctance to broadcast your own atheism, but it might have been helpful to both of you if you’d asked what your friend’s expectations of a godparent were. Yes, continuing the child’s religious education is a part of the traditional responsibilities, but what your friend had in mind might have been more along the lines of the “fun uncle” stuff you prefer. It would have been worth clarifying, even if your answer had ultimately been the same.

That said, what’s done is done, and declining godparent duties does not mean “I hate your baby and don’t want to attend a christening or eat barbecue with you,” and your friend’s response has been less-than-stellar. It makes perfect sense that you feel hurt and excluded, and I think you should tell your friend exactly that. Tell him that you miss your friendship, that you’re genuinely flattered he would consider you as a potential godparent but aren’t able to take on the attendant religious duties, and you’re hurt that he’s dropped you from his invite list. If he’s able to offer a genuine apology and you two can find a way forward together, then that’s great. Whatever the outcome, I don’t think reaching out to him first is a sign of weakness or an admission of fault. It just means that you care about him.

Q. Husband is a homebody: My husband and I are retired and finally saw our last chick out of the nest. I want to spread my wings and travel—and all he wants to do is sit around at home! Even visiting our daughter and grandchildren out of state, all he does is complain—the bed is too lumpy, the food tastes funny, even our grandchildren are too loud! He promised me and promised me, we would see the world once we retired. I don’t want to if all he is going to do is complain. He acts like a crotchety old man of 90 instead of someone barely 60. I plan and pack and take care of all the details even on overnight trips and he still complains. My friend invited us to stay a month with her family in Italy this August, and I dread the idea of dragging my husband along. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall, but he gets very upset if I suggest I go by myself. I don’t think anything would make him happy except never leaving our hometown again even if I am miserable. What can I do?

A: Go without him. Let him get very upset about it if he wants to. It sounds like, whether you go or stay, he likes to get upset about everything. If he’s determined to stay miserable despite your best efforts, then the only thing you can change is whether or not you want to stick around and watch his misery. If it were me, I’d take the trip—solo.

Q. Thank-you note delinquents: My husband and I did a terrible thing: We never sent out thank-you notes after our wedding! We got married a year and a half ago, my mom’s friends threw a lovely bridal shower for me two years ago, and then we just ... never sent out thank-you notes. Actually, we wrote about three-quarters of them in a timely manner but didn’t send them out as we were writing them because we worried it would be awkward for one of our parents’ neighbors to receive a thank-you note one week and another neighbor to receive their thank-you note a few weeks later. Then we got straight-up lazy and just did not finish them. Months and months have now passed, and I feel profound guilt over this. We had a gorgeous wedding, and our families and friends were extremely generous to us. My parents, who paid for the wedding, have been under the assumption that we actually did send out thank-you notes. But recently a couple of relatives have asked them if we ever received their gifts because they had heard nothing back. My husband also feels bad but worries that writing and sending out thank-you notes now will call attention to just how late they are and could be embarrassing for my parents if their friends remark, “Oh, we just got your daughter and son-in-law’s thank-you note!” But I think it’s more important to demonstrate our gratitude. What do you think? Is it too late? Could a self-effacing apology—“Oops, we are the worst at doing things on time!”—help the situation?

A: Send the notes! Late is better than never, and calling yourself “the worst” is less an apology and more a deflection designed to escape any criticism by conspicuous self-flagellation, and conspicuous self-flagellation does not fall under the subheading of Great Manners. Just send them out now (at least they’re mostly all written), and if you do want to apologize, especially to any of the relatives who were worried you never received their gifts, just stick to “I’m so sorry these are late. We loved your gift, and it meant so much to us that you were able to attend the wedding and help us celebrate our new life together.”

Q. Stepsister not real sister: My husband and I married when my stepdaughter “Lydia” was 12 and my girls were 9 and 7. I have always counted Lydia as one of my girls, and her sisters thought she hung the moon. Her mother moved away across the state when Lydia was 17. Lydia chose to follow her and attend a nearby college rather than go where we live. Lydia is now a college graduate, engaged, and pregnant. My husband and I threw her an engagement party; her sisters flew down to attend it. At the party, someone asked Lydia if she had any brothers or sisters. In full earshot of my youngest and me, Lydia said, No, she was an only child and never had the luck to have a sibling.

I can’t tell how much that hurt my daughter. She told her sister, and both of them left the party early. I wanted to bring it up to Lydia, but my daughters forbade it. They said they didn’t want to cause a scene and it wouldn’t change how Lydia felt. We haven’t seen as much of Lydia as we liked to since she went off to school, except for the odd holiday, but even my husband was shocked by this. He wants to talk to her about it, but I don’t know. The entire situation leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Everyone got invitations to the wedding, but my daughters told me to count them out. For everything, even the baby. They don’t want to play auntie if Lydia doesn’t even consider them to be sisters. I have no clue what to do. I am afraid anything I say or do will make it worse. Can you help me?

A: This is a terribly sad situation, but I think the best thing you can do for your daughters—all of them—is to gently encourage them to talk to one another. They’re all young adults now and will need to figure out what type of relationship they’re going to have with one another without parental management. Of course you want your children to be close, and of course it’s difficult to step back from active parenting, especially when two of your daughters are so obviously hurt, but this is their relationship to navigate. Even if you think it’s a mistake for them not to speak about it, I think it’s a mistake that they get to choose to make. Your role should be in the background. Encourage them to speak to Lydia, but don’t make that decision for them, and don’t try to run messages between your children. It will be difficult and painful, but it’s a necessary part of becoming adults.

Q. Queer right now: I am in college trying to figure out myself and my life. I identify as queer because it feels the most honest to me right now. I have dated men and two women. My last girlfriend kept saying I was confused and pushed me to say I was gay. We ended up breaking up over it. Is there something wrong with me? Everyone else seems to have everything figured out and I don’t.

A: There is not something wrong with you! (Or, if there is, it’s completely unrelated to your sexuality. Maybe you routinely park your car diagonally over the white lines and take up two spaces in the school parking lot, I don’t know your life.) College is a classic time for figuring yourself out, and I promise you that a lot of the people who seem to have it together right now are going to take some surprising hard lefts in a couple of years. Which is also fine, and they will figure themselves out eventually too. “Figuring yourself out” is not something that happens only once and then stops.

What your girlfriend was saying to you when she was trying to push you to call yourself gay was, “I’m afraid of ambiguity, and need my partners to avoid even the slightest suggestion of anything approaching bisexuality.” Which tells you nothing more than that she was a bad girlfriend. Sometimes people say “Be yourself” as if that is a really easy thing to do, as if all of us wake up every day with a really clear and consistent understanding of ourselves and our own desires, and that’s just not always the case. Sometimes you are going to surprise yourself! Queer is a great word, and it sounds like it’s working for you right now, so I think you should continue to use it for as long as it feels right.

Q. Re: Late thank-you notes: Your heart is in the right place here—and here’s an idea to make it right without it seeming weird. Peg a note to your anniversary “Dear Uncle Ted, As Joan and I were celebrating our 2nd anniversary we have such warm memories of how you made the day special for us. Thank you so much too for the lovely ___ . We apologize wholeheartedly for taking so long to acknowledge it. Your presence at our wedding and in our lives is ____ .” Keep it simple and heartfelt. And make sure you send them out! It’s all fine.

A: That’s a great template—thanks!

Q. Theater etiquette: I moved to the NYC area three years ago, and since then, I have immensely enjoyed the Broadway theater scene. I enter online and in-person ticket lotteries every day—my husband and I don’t have a large budget for entertainment, but I’ve gotten pretty lucky and seen some blockbuster shows. My question for you is theater etiquette. I’ve noticed more and more that people are willing to get out their phones and start texting, or have conversations with the people around them. When those people are close to me, I have no problem asking them to put away their phone or to save conversation for intermission (which I think is reasonable). Am I being too harsh? Is this just the world we live in now? As I said, I have to enter lotteries to see these shows, so I get pretty up in arms when people aren’t considerate of the others around them. Your opinion is greatly appreciated.

A: You are not being too harsh by asking people not to actively play Candy Crush on their phones or hold loud personal conversations while a play is going on, no. This is why most plays begin with a sort of harried-looking person coming out onstage and alternately begging, cajoling, or adopting a stern schoolmarmish-type persona in order to convince audience members to turn our phones off. It is one of many problems facing the world we now live in! This does not make our world better or worse than previous worlds; it’s just the particular form the eternal specter of public rudeness has presently taken. In the Elizabethan era audience members used to have to worry about getting trash dumped on them from people sitting higher up and catching the plague. Carry on with your policy of asking people to put their phones away during a show; you are an agent of justice and truth, and I salute you.

Q. Do bad work places get better?: I don’t know if I should take a new job! This is kind of a lucky situation to be in, but I was offered a job to teach (with awesome kids!) and make significantly more money than I do now. I wanted to leave because while I love my current job, I’ve always hated the office. People were really catty and toxic, and often made it really hard for me to do my job well with their bad judgment and office politics. I also have had too many days where I just dread seeing people at the office. But I’m starting to have second thoughts. I’ve given this old job five years, and it seems like people are honestly trying to change. Do you think I should give my old work place a chance? Can dysfunctional workplaces fix themselves in the span of a week, or do you think this is just people having a good attitude about summer but not actually addressing the structural issues? P.S. At my current place they always say, “We’re a family,” which doesn’t seem great?

A: I don’t have specific advice about whether or not you should take this particular job, but I do have a few relevant thoughts. People can absolutely change, BUT:

Most people don’t change five years’ worth of bad behavior in one week.
Entire offices’ worth of people don’t generally change for the better all at the same time.
Just because someone else is trying to change (good for them!) doesn’t mean you have to stick around and help them.
More money is more money.
Generally when someone says, “We’re a family” about their workplace, what they mean is, “Don’t expect us to treat you like a professional with a reasonable work-life balance and appropriate sense of boundaries. Expect us to treat you like a scapegoat younger cousin who always ends up doing everyone else’s dishes at holiday dinners.”
It sounds like part of you feels obligated to stick around because you’ve already worked here for five years and you think you owe it to help your co-workers if they’re trying to change; this is the sunk cost fallacy and it’s not going to do you any favors.

Come to think of it, now that I’ve written all this out, I do have specific advice for you. You should take this new job! It pays more, it would get you away from this dysfunctional office, and the kids you’d be working with are awesome—it sounds like a great opportunity, and I think you should take it.

Mallory Ortberg: May all of you treasure your living human friends more dearly than kitchen appliances you hope to someday own. See you next week.

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One for the Money

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 19:03:47 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voice mail of the new Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Here’s hoping every wedding you all attended in the past week featured a bare minimum of surprise proposals from upstage-happy guests. Let’s chat!

Q. Worried about husband’s career ambitions: My husband, “Jack,” and I are having a disagreement about his career path. We both found great jobs right out of graduate school, his even better than mine, at a highly prized firm in his field. The pay was phenomenal, and Jack seemed to thrive in the high-pressure environment, until he was put on a project that had started to slip and was ordered to rescue it at all costs. He did it, but the costs were very high: 70-hour workweeks, midnight phone calls, working through holidays, you name it. After seeing it through, he was instructed to fire the original manager of the project who had been working for him up until then. Jack balked, it got ugly, and he ended up leaving through mutual agreement with a nice severance package. He then took what I thought was a “breather” position at about half his former salary. Fine, he needed a break, and we could certainly cope with the temporary drop in income. Two years later, after pushing him to look for better opportunities, Jack informs me that he’s determined to stay where he is and has no interest in ever going back to the other kind of job. This will severely change the plans we made for our life together—the kind of home we’ll have, what neighborhood we’ll live in, the schools our (eventual) kids will go to, everything. Also, I will always have to be the main breadwinner. If this is what Jack needs, I love him enough to adjust, but I think he’s suffering a sort of PTSD and should seek therapy before he gives up the dreams he had before. He doesn’t see it that way, and we’ve been fighting about it a lot. Am I right that therapy is warranted, or am I just being “mercenary” as he says? By the way, we’re both men, so this isn’t some sexist calculation about who should bring home the bacon.

A: I want to gently encourage you to take another look at what you’re proposing your husband do: “Honey, your last job was so demanding, so all-encompassing, so determined to destroy any semblance of a work-life balance that I think you developed PTSD—so I want you to go to therapy until you can go back to the source of that initial trauma and start all over again.” It’s clear from your letter that you love your husband, and I’m not suggesting you don’t care about his well-being, but if some version of a post-traumatic stress response is holding him back from returning to the type of job he had before, then that’s a good thing, because it’s protecting him from further harm.

That doesn’t mean you two can’t have continued discussion about what other types of jobs are available to him, or your respective financial and career goals, or even to disagree about those issues! But I think you should listen to your husband when he says he can’t ever go back to that type of work and let go of the idea that he “seemed to thrive” in the high-pressure environment before that one project came along. This is an opportunity for you to ask a lot of questions: What was hardest for him about that job? What does he like about the work he does now? How many hours a week is too many for him? What type of lifestyle feels “good enough” for him, and what is he willing (and not willing) to sacrifice in order to get it? I don’t think you’re necessarily being mercenary, but I think you’re not listening to what your husband is telling you. He won’t go back to that type of work even if it means taking a serious pay cut, because no amount of money is worth his health and sanity. Pay attention to that.

Q. Stolen kitchen dreams: I’ve always loved cooking and design, so when I told my best friend about my dream stove, she must have known I really had a special place in my heart for it. Imagine my surprise when I found out SHE had bought my dream stove before I could save up for it! Needless to say, I felt incredibly betrayed. I’ve basically been giving her the silent treatment for the better part of a year. To make matters worse, she acts like she has no idea why I’m so mad at her! My anger and hurt have gotten so bad that our friends called a meeting for us to talk it out, but I don’t want to hear anything from her unless it’s an apology. What should I do?

A: I don’t often find myself wishing that a letter were fake, but I sure hope you’re just some bored internet denizen inventing dramatic stove-related scenarios to entertain yourself. I’m not surprised your friend has no idea why you’ve grown so cold and distant. If one of my best friends suddenly gave me the silent treatment for almost an entire year, the type of stove I had recently purchased would not even make the top 100 possible reasons why. It would fall below “She has been possessed by the evil spirit Aku from Cartoon Network’s Samurai Jack” in terms of plausibility.

Your friend has purchased a stove. That is the only thing that has happened in this story. She has not deprived you of your ability to purchase an identical stove in the future. She has not taken the stove that is currently in your kitchen out of your home. You are still able to cook and design things to your heart’s content and have not been harmed in any way. This is straight-up Dr. Zoidberg “this is bad and you should feel bad” territory. You are being extremely unkind for extremely silly reasons and should immediately apologize and amend your behavior. If she forgives you, count yourself extremely lucky.

Q. Unpleasant surprise: My in-laws are planning their yearly visit for my husband’s birthday. My mother-in-law called me up on Friday and told me that she was planning a surprise for him and needed my help with it. When pressed for details, she told me that my sister-in-law was coming with them. My husband hates his sister and hasn’t spoken to her in almost 20 years. She has issues with drugs, she’s a pathological liar and a thief, and the last time she spoke with my husband she told him I was a whore and he needed to get a DNA test done on my son or she would never accept him. He hasn’t spoken to her since that day and never plans to again. When I told my mother-in-law her coming was not going to be a good idea, she told me it was too late and the arrangements (airfare/hotel) had already been made. I sat on this for two days before going to my husband. I had to tell him because I knew that this was not going to be a nice surprise since he has told his mother repeatedly that he wants nothing to do with his sister and to stop forcing a relationship with her. As I suspected, he was very upset and called his parents and told them not to come. His father called me the next day yelling and screaming and telling me that it is my fault that the trip was ruined and all I had to do was keep my mouth shut. My husband claims that I didn’t do anything wrong and if he was in that same position he would have done what I did. Was I wrong to tell him? How do I repair my relationship with his parents?

A: You were not wrong to tell him. There is nothing you can do to repair your relationship with his parents. They can apologize—for going directly against your husband’s wishes, asking you to keep a secret from your husband despite knowing it would upset him if he knew, and screaming at you—whenever they feel ready.

Q. Can I change his heart?: I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years, and we got married a little more than three years ago. During our dating years, he displayed small bits of racism here and there (such as using slurs against Asian people), but I overlooked it, which I guess was a mistake. After getting married, he has slowly become even more racist and now is pretty much a white supremacist. He hung a Nazi flag in our apartment, and when I objected, told me that I’ve been “brainwashed by the Jews.” When I took down the flag, he became very agitated and told me that he’d leave me if I kept it up. I am completely disgusted by the man I am married to, and I really don’t know what to do. This is not OK at all. Is this the end of my marriage? Is there anything I can do to change his heart?

A: It does not sound like you have been able to meaningfully change this guy’s heart in the more than 10 years you have been together. If you say, “I do not want to fly a Nazi flag in our home,” and his response is, “Then I’ll leave you,” then your marriage is already at an end. He’s not “pretty much” a white supremacist. He meets all the necessary terms and conditions for membership. He is a white supremacist, full stop. Something you do have the power to change, in the future, is your response to “small bits of racism.” If someone you’re dating, or someone you work with, or one of your friends uses slurs to refer to various ethnic groups, don’t overlook it. You can’t un-Nazi your husband, but you can make sure that you don’t spend another 10 years trying to pretend someone else’s racism “isn’t that bad.”

Q. Re: Stolen kitchen dreams: Dear Cook, “I broke up with my best friend because she bought a stove.” Read that out loud and you will see how ridiculous it sounds. I put this in the same category as those who complain that their friend/relative/neighbor “stole” the baby name they were planning to use someday.

A: This is way pettier, frankly! I’m generally of the opinion that it is impossible to “steal” a baby’s name, because you can still name your own baby whatever you want—there’s not a national quota of Melissabeths—but at least in those situations people are arguing about a human being’s name, not a metal box that lives in your kitchen and heats your food. It’s a stove! Why does it feel important to you that you be the only one of your friends to own a particular variety?

Q. Down in front!: In light of your recent letter on public show etiquette for people of all heights, I wanted to pose my question: I am a 6-foot-tall woman who has been dealing with being taller than most people for the better part of my life. Recently I was at an outdoor festival where a dance performance was being held. My husband and I found spots early and waited for the show to begin. Halfway through the performance I noticed people behind me giving me sharp looks and sighing about not being able to see. What should I do in these situations? I’m not trying to ruin anyone else’s experience, but I can’t help that I’m tall! If I let everyone who was behind me stand in front of me I will eventually be too far away to enjoy the show.

A: If you got to the show early, those grumbly people behind you had the chance to find somewhere else to stand. They didn’t! That’s not your fault, and neither is it your problem.

Q. No ocean for him: Every year my family goes to the beach for a week, and every year my nephews refuses to go into the ocean. He is content with playing in the sand and swimming in the pool. My brother and SIL spend the week arguing with, dragging the boy to the water, and threatening to end the trip early. My nephew is now 5. I have tried telling them to leave the kid alone, reassuring him that it’s his choice, and I am told to mind my own business. Our parents and siblings don’t say anything. Do I have to tolerate this again this year?

A: That is one of the weirdest, most dangerous things to try to force a child to do! “No, Billy, you can’t just enjoy the beach as a 5-year-old! I insist that you wade into the most powerful force on Earth, the mighty sea.” Threatening to end a vacation early because a little child doesn’t want to tangle with Poseidon is bizarre and emotionally manipulative, and I hope that this is a real outlier in how your brother and his wife treat their son, because if this is just a more extreme example of their usual parenting methods, my heart breaks for him. (Not to mention that drowning is a serious risk for little children, and there’s no reason to force a scared 5-year-old to go in the ocean.) I hate to tell you that you have to go on this lousy, weirdly mean vacation year after year, but I’m worried that there’s no one else looking out for this defenseless little boy. I’m so glad he at least has you in his life to intervene when his own parents bully him, and I think you should continue to go and watch his back.

Q. Helping a suicidal friend: One of my good friends, who is about 27, has been talking about suicide a lot lately. She’s mentioned that she has a plan, so I know the situation is quite dire. She’s been adamant that she can’t talk to her parents or any other friends (I’m her only local friend—she moved to my city from about 800 miles away) about how she’s feeling. She has a therapist she’s been talking to, but it doesn’t seem to be making much difference. I’ve been staying on her couch because I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone, but I’m exhausted, and my own mental health is suffering. Today, I went behind her back and called her father to ask him to help. He’s flying in tomorrow night, unbeknownst to her. I know she’s going to be absolutely furious with me when she finds out and honestly may not speak to me again. Did I do something horrible by betraying her trust, or did I make the right choice to ask for help?

A: I’ll assume your friend was adamant she couldn’t talk to her parents not because they are abusive or harmful, but out of a generalized sense of helplessness and despair. You’re in the middle of a pretty imperfect situation, and reaching out to your friend’s family seemed like the best option available to you at the time, given that she’s reached the stage of developing a concrete plan to kill herself. Therapists are mandatory reporters when it comes to disclosing a plan and means to commit suicide, so either your friend is being less-than-honest about her intentions with her therapist, or her therapist is neglecting their professional obligations. Whether or not your friend is happy with you after her father arrives, I think you should go easy on yourself. You do not have a pleasant option available to you, and you are doing the best you can to preserve your friend’s life and well-being. Please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) for further support in the meantime. You cannot be the only support in your friend’s life, and you did the right thing in asking for help.

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Help! My Boyfriend’s Friends Are Racist Bullies. Should I Dump Him?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 19:00:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Boyfriend’s racist, misogynistic friends: My wonderful boyfriend of a little over year came with a group of intolerable friends. I’m talking homophobia (“gay” is their favorite insult), misogynistic (an all-boys text group where they talk disrespectfully about their wives), and racist. They even had a party where someone came in blackface as an “African rape victim” and took photos of her being fake assaulted. To boot, they're bullies and the guys love to get belligerently drunk and start bar fights.

In the last few months, my boyfriend has cut off that group for those reasons—but he was best friends with them for 16 years! I’m a queer, feminist activist and he shares my politics and loves me immensely, but how do I trust someone who was best friends with people like that for so long? He says he was lonely and struggling after his mom’s premature death in college and latched onto the first group that welcomed him. But 16 years with people who are against gay marriage and adoption and defend colonialism? Help.

A: It’s great that your boyfriend has decided to cut ties with these guys, but if I were in your situation, I can’t imagine staying with him. It took him 16 years—and, I’m guessing, no small amount of encouragement from you—to decide that the kind of men who think being gay is the worst thing a person can be, who think of dressing up as “African rape victims” and pantomiming sexual assault, weren’t the kind of people he wanted to keep close to his heart. That’s 16 long years of not saying anything, since it doesn’t sound like he has a long history of challenging those beliefs. Losing your mother at a young age is difficult, but it doesn’t make racism, misogyny, drunken belligerence, or homophobia OK. Neither does loneliness. We all get lonely; that’s not a good reason to give blackface a pass.

That’s not to say he’s a terrible and irredeemable person, nor does it mean that you should only date people with perfect, unblemished personal histories. But if I were in your shoes, I’d ask myself: Does this guy have a history of standing up to racist, sexist, homophobic behavior, even when it’s difficult or uncomfortable to do so? Am I impressed with his courage and character as he displays it in his personal life, not just in theory? Does he generally cultivate friendships with people I respect and want to spend more time with? Does he have a strong sense of self that I admire? Does he have any remaining friends now that he’s cut off contact with the active racists? If you find something you can work with in the answers to those questions, then great! You might get to watch your boyfriend develop a totally different, vastly improved sort of life. If you don’t, then I think you have more than enough justification to wish him the best and look for someone else.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 05 Jun 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Midnight Cowboy

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 01 Jun 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
I’m in my 20s and have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. Things are going very well, but this is my very first relationship, and as such I’m still figuring out how this is all supposed to work. We’re pretty good at communicating and we try to be very honest and open with each other. How open is one supposed to be in a relationship? I recently had a mildly erotic dream about a mutual friend of ours—in the dream it was the friend making a move on me, and I was very uncomfortable about it both during the dream and when I woke up. I don’t see it as a huge deal, because dreams are bizarre things, and while the friend is attractive, I am most definitely devoted to my boyfriend.

I find myself wanting to talk about it however, as I found it such an odd dream. Things are very secure between me and my boyfriend, but I know he has some insecurities from past relationships. However, not mentioning it almost feels like I have something to hide, as if I’m guilty about it. I really don’t think of the dream as a big deal, and my boyfriend knows how much I love him, but I don’t want to inadvertently hurt his feelings by mentioning it offhand. How do you balance being honest and open with a partner when feelings might be involved? How do you decide what’s OK to talk about and what’s better left unsaid, when honesty is a priority?

—Waking Life

There’s nothing wrong with not telling your boyfriend about your dream—hearing about someone else’s dream is never as interesting as thinking about your own, and you’re not keeping any relevant information from him that he ought to know. But the fact that you feel uncomfortable not mentioning the dream to your boyfriend indicates a certain level of pre-existing unease. If the conversation you’re looking to have is simply:

“I had a sex dream about Ralphonse last night! Weird, right?”
“Yes, that is weird! Aren’t dreams strange?”
“That they are. Let’s carry on with the rest of our lives.”

But you’re worried that if you have it with your boyfriend it will turn into:

“I had a sex dream about Ralphonse last night! Weird, right?”
“... Why would you tell me this?”
“Because I have a profound longing to share the details of my unconscious life with you, my partner, no matter how odd or mundane.”
“Are you sure you’re not just telling me this to make me jealous of Ralphonse?”
“No, it’s definitely the profound longing to know and be known thing.”
“Because now I’m jealous of Ralphonse.”

Then you might consider having a broader conversation with him about dreams first—does he like talking about them? Does he tend to assign much conscious meaning to them? Is he generally indifferent? If what you want is to be more “honest and open” with your partner, that’s probably the best way to achieve it. You might feel guilty at present, but that’s not necessary—you’re not actually keeping anything important from your boyfriend.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Our son passed away recently from cancer at 32. We were estranged from him for the last four years of his life because of his “evil” wife, who would not allow him to have any contact with us. She has also kept our granddaughters out of our lives. We’ve never seen them. My sister-in-law insists on keeping in touch with her even though we have told her over and over how much this hurts us as that woman destroyed our family. She feels she owes it to our son. We feel she should worry more about her “living” brother and his feelings. My husband can’t have a relationship with her as long as she continues to have contact with this girl who completely destroyed our world and denied us the last four years of our son’s life.

—Devastated

I don’t know the reasons for your estrangement with your son, but his wife is not the sole cause. He chose not to see or speak to you, even during the last years of his life. His wife may have supported or encouraged that decision, but the fact remains that your son was an adult and decided to cut off contact with you of his own free will. This may be hard to accept, and you may not take my word for it, but your son’s wife could not have forced him to disown his parents if he did not want to. She did not “destroy” your family—the relationship between you and your son failed on its own. That you are now asking your sister-in-law to end her own relationship with your son’s widow—and, by extension, her young nieces—is unreasonable. Grief is a terrible thing, and to lose someone in the middle of a prolonged estrangement, before any reconciliation is attempted or achieved, is a special kind of heartache. I can only imagine you’re currently experiencing a tremendous amount of pain. I encourage you to see a grief counselor and figure out how to deal with your feelings without demanding for further estrangements within your family.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My father lives out of state, and while we are not close, we talk every few months. He has a “public image” side, where he is caring and amazing with his grandkids, and a private side, where he is quite tempestuous, and I spent much of my childhood trying to not raise his ire. Recently my stepmom, who is far more patient than the rest of our family, called me. Apparently, I was the only one of the four siblings to call him last year for Father’s Day. My stepmom said that his feelings were quite hurt and that it would be nice if I could remind my siblings to call our dad.

I have quite mixed feelings about this. Every Father’s Day card in stores feels like a lie, and I know my dad is not a strong father figure for any of us. I think it is important to call, simply out of politeness, but I don’t find it is my place to talk to my siblings about this, when I’d be encouraging the sham. If anything, I’d do it for his wife, who is kind and who doesn’t deserve to put up with my dad’s tantrums.

—Dad by Default

Your stepmother may not deserve your father’s tantrums, but even if you encouraged all your siblings to call home this Father’s Day, there’s always going to be something he’ll find to justify losing his temper over. It would be one thing if you wanted to make the effort on your father’s behalf, believing your siblings to have unjustly overlooked his feelings, but you yourself admit it would be a “sham” for them to wish him a happy Father’s Day. It’s sad that your stepmother is taking the brunt of his temper, but there’s nothing you or your siblings can do to fix that. You can keep your relationship with your father distant but cordial; let your brothers and sisters figure out how much contact they want to have with him on their own. Tell your stepmother that you’re sorry your father’s feelings were hurt, but you can’t mediate his relationship between him and your siblings for him.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Last year I suffered a medical issue that left me legally blind. Since then, I’ve been working part time, but I’m now looking for a full-time job. In my line of work, the only accommodation I really need is some text-to-speech software and forgiveness for occasional social awkwardness; because I can’t see faces, I recognize people only after learning their voices. I’m confident that this is considered “reasonable accommodation” under the Americans With Disabilities Act.

But my question is at what point in the application process do I mention my disability? Friends within the blind and low-vision community disagree about this. One says, “put it as a casual aside in the cover letter; you are an easy ‘diversity hire’ so they’ll love you.” The idea of “milking” my blindness makes me uncomfortable, as does the idea of edging out a similarly qualified but fully sighted candidate. Others say to wait until during or even after the interview (like, just show up with my cane, smiling—the idea of which also makes me uncomfortable). What say you?

—When to Tell

There’s nothing wrong with either option: referring to your vision impairment in a cover letter or not mentioning it until you meet potential employers in-person. But since your goal is to avoid dealing with the potential awkwardness of a real-time response, I think the smoothest way to address your limited vision is when the company in question sets up an interview time. While you’re talking to your would-be interviewer, say, “By the way, I’m legally blind. I can make my own way to your office just fine, but is there anything I should know in advance about navigating my way through the building?”

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am going through an excruciating breakup. We were together for two and a half years and broke up a few months ago after my former partner decided she needed time to “find herself.” I am doing the best I can—I’m in therapy, I left our shared apartment to her (but still pay half the rent so she won’t end up in debt), leave her alone but respond any time she texts. Usually she only texts to ask if I’ve paid rent or to send drunken ramblings about “not being OK.” The next morning she will quickly reassure me she is fine, which I doubt based on some of her actions.

Per the advice of my friends and therapist, I am trying to move from feelings of sadness and worthlessness into a healthy dose of anger. And I have plenty to be angry about: The rent she said she needed to not go into debt, I’ve since found out she put toward a European vacation this summer. Her drunken texts to me have been followed by her drinking and driving, despite my pleading with her not to, offering to give her a ride or call her a cab. She isn’t taking care of herself and surrounds herself with people supportive of these behaviors. I’ve also recently found out she is back on an online dating site, after telling me she wanted to break up with me because she wanted to find “self-happiness.” She has every right to date, but this has me reeling back into those thoughts of worthlessness after she told me the breakup wasn’t because I was a bad partner but was because she needed time for herself.

Do you have advice on how to turn the sadness into anger? My support system all seems angrier than me, but I just can’t bring myself to think about her in that way (even though it might be the truth). The rose-colored glasses are off, but my emotions seem to be lagging behind on the unfortunate things I’ve learned about her in recent months.

—Love Sucks

I’m not sure it’s a good idea to force yourself to get angry right now. Anger can be useful and an appropriate response to the violation of important boundaries, but it’s no more important than sadness, and it’s not a precondition for you to take care of yourself. It’s sad that your relationship ended. It’s sad that your ex isn’t taking care of herself, is risking her life and the lives of others by driving drunk, and is taking advantage of you financially. If you can’t bring yourself to get angry about that, I don’t think you should try to force it—just because your response is sorrow doesn’t mean you’re blind to her faults.

Rather than trying to produce an emotion at will, I think you should consider what the goal was that you expected anger to achieve for you—namely, to cut off contact with your ex. There’s no reason you should still be paying her rent for an apartment you no longer live in after she broke up with you, so figure out what steps you need to take to get your name off the lease, serve whatever written notice is legally required by your landlord that you’re moving out, and cut that financial tie. Talk to one of her friends or family members about her newfound drunk-driving habit and encourage them to speak with her about it. Block her number. It doesn’t take any willpower not to respond to text messages you can’t see, after all.

Those are necessary steps and you should take them immediately, but you don’t have to be angry to take them. The anger will likely come, maybe sooner, maybe later, maybe not at all. If all you ever feel is sadness, there’s nothing wrong with that—because it is sad. Don’t worry about getting angry at her; focus your energy on building a life that doesn’t revolve around her enormous, self-absorbed sadness.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend has a habit of falling asleep while we’re together. It’s like clockwork: We get together after work, we start a movie or TV show, and within an hour he’s out cold. He resists any attempt to keep him awake or wake him up once he’s asleep, and insists that I leave him be. I usually end up waiting one or two hours for him to wake up on his own. By the time he does, it’s so late that we have to go to bed anyway. This happens on average three or four nights of the week.

I’ve tried my best to be understanding, but over the past several years it’s started to wear on me, and I recently began expressing my frustration to him. He feels that it is unfair of me to be upset over something he cannot control. I told him that I would rather spend our evenings separately if he’s just going to fall asleep (we don’t live together). This upsets him because he feels like I’m punishing him for not being able to stay awake. In my view, though, I don’t feel like we’re really spending time together if one of us is snoring on the couch for most of the night. We are at an impasse. I love him dearly and I want to marry this man, but I dread the idea of sitting in front of the TV next to his sleeping body every night for the rest of our lives.

—Not Sleepy Yet

So your boyfriend falls asleep an hour into hanging out three to four nights a week. What’s going on with his sleep schedule that this is happening so often? You don’t say anything about whether he works early or is suffering from a medical condition, so I’m curious whether you two have actually talked about whether or not he’s getting enough sleep every night. He hasn’t been able to stop, and this frustrates you. Your frustration in turn frustrates him. This has been going on for years, and I think you should look at it as a fundamental part of your relationship, rather than a temporary pattern you can talk him into changing. That doesn’t mean you have to either learn to love this about him or dump him tomorrow, however.

Without knowing any more (and there’s a lot you don’t say!), I think if you don’t want to break up this minute, it might be worth trying to adapt. For one, you don’t say why he’s so tired all the time. Is it the nature of his work? Don’t just ask him to stay awake: ask him an open-ended question about what he thinks would improve your relationship. If he would rather crash right after work and instead share an early-morning run and leisurely breakfast, would you be game? Or is it that he finds watching TV or a movie just a soporific activity and tries to do it to please you? If so, and there’s a part of you that would rather go out to eat or take a walk or get drinks with friends, then you should do it. Invite him to come along if he’s up for it. If, however, he simply says he enjoys napping on the couch after work and has no alternative ideas, then you might find yourself faced with the difficult decision of determining whether you two are actually compatible.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence Columns

“Baby Me: I don’t want children. But should I have one so I will be cared for in old age?”
“Try, Try Again: I haven’t been able to have a second child, but my husband won’t give up.”
“Wigged Out: My sister demanded that I dye my hair for her wedding. But I wore a wig instead.”
“Sibling Anxiety: My 8-year-old nephew is bullied by his brother—and it’s killing his spirit.”

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

“Just a Little Crush: Prudie advises a parent whose son sent thousands of texts and emails to a girl at school.”
“Funny Bones: Prudie advises a man who can’t forgive his fiancée for joking about his dead parents.”
“Zero: Prudie advises a woman whose boyfriend is nice to her son but says she’s ‘only an 8.5.’ ”
“Exposed: Prudie counsels a man who discovered videos of his boyfriend on a porn site.”

Nude Breach

Mallory Ortberg — Wed, 31 May 2017 13:44:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Literal baggage: I’ve been dating a fantastic man whom I love for about a year. We’re living together and everything has been ideal. Well, almost everything. After listening to a podcast together about a similar subject, he mentioned that he has a box of nude photos of various exes. He said that he doesn’t look at the photos but nonetheless refuses to get rid of them. He knows how uncomfortable it makes me to have these photos in our home but thinks this is a “slippery slope,” and that next I’ll be insisting he get rid of his wedding album and all other remnants of his former relationships. I feel like the naked pics of his exes are more important to him than I am. I do everything in my power to make him comfortable in our relationship—including neglecting a friendship with a guy I used to hook up with. Not only does it offend and sadden me that this box is so meaningful to him, but I’m terrified that I’ll accidentally uncover it at some point. Am I just insecure, or is this unacceptable?

A: My first question is why are you doing “everything in [your] power to make him comfortable,” including ending a friendship you presumably enjoyed? Making room in our lives for a partner is laudable; putting their comfort above our own is not. The naked-picture stash seems to me to be a bit of a red herring. A mildly creepy red herring (not to mention weirdly old-school! Like, printed-out naked pictures? Not just stored somewhere on his phone?), but a red herring nonetheless. The real question is why you’re with someone who is so adamant about refusing to compromise with you, while apparently you’ve bent over backward to compromise for him. For him to compare a box of nudes to his wedding album is, at the very least, an incredibly dumb analogy—there’s a pretty significant difference between photos of your wedding day, which has a significant social, emotional, financial, sexual, and physical impact on your life and history, and photos of the naked torsos of everyone you’ve ever slept with. It is perhaps telling that he sees this relatively minor request as the beginning of an assault on his autonomy while you have already taken the initiative to end a friendship just in case it made him uncomfortable. Is everything really ideal between the two of you?

Q. Protecting my husband: My husband recently was in a life-changing accident. He died, but first responders were able to bring him back. As of now, he’s stable, and he has a very long way to any form of recovery. My issue is his family. My husband and his family do not have a good relationship, and he recently told me he wanted to cut them off due to their abuse. They have been absolutely horrible since the day of his accident. Everyone but his mother is in the medical industry, and when they arrived they immediately tried to take over. His dad (who is a doctor) told my husband’s doctors to only talk to him. Amazingly, they complied so I was left in the dark for the first four days and was barely able to see him. His dad also provided incorrect medical information that ultimately ended up hurting him. His mother and siblings have been much worse. They have been speaking so ugly about him that a stranger in the waiting room asked me why I would allow them around him. He very briefly expressed to a nurse that he only wanted me as a visitor and nobody else. His mother’s response to this was “he needs to get over himself. It’s not about what he wants. What was even the point of saving his life if he’s going to be this stupid?” After his family agreed with her, I changed the visitation and banned them. He wanted it, and I don’t feel like they were being helpful. Obviously, it hasn’t gone over well, and now I’m being attacked on all fronts. They filed a complaint with the hospital and have been calling every person they can think of to get them “to talk to me.” This isn’t about me being a mean wife; I’m trying to protect him from this. If he asks for them, I would absolutely allow it, and they are still able to call and get updates from me and his nurses. Am I doing the wrong thing?

A: No. You’re acting as your husband’s advocate while he is unable to advocate for himself, and you are carrying out his last known wishes to the best of your ability. As his wife, you have the legal right to do so; the fact that your in-laws are angry about this and uselessly lashing out to try to force you to give in to them is irritating and distracting, but irrelevant.

Q. My husband’s best friend proposed to his girlfriend during our wedding ceremony: My husband and I started dating, got pregnant, had a child, moved in together, bought a house, and got a dog in that order. Our friends and family have asked us for years why we weren’t married yet. We always pushed it off to build better lives. We’ve done really well for ourselves and finally reached a point where we could afford a huge blowout wedding to celebrate our lives with everyone we know and love. My husband’s best friend, “John,” was the best man/officiant. The setting was beautiful, everyone seemed happy, our families were overjoyed. My mom may have used the phrase hallelujah a few dozen times. The entire atmosphere felt moving. So moving in fact that John stopped midceremony to propose to his longtime girlfriend, “Jane,” and reveal her pregnancy. I couldn’t even hear the vows my husband wrote or the rest of the ceremony over the noise of Jane’s happy sobs, her very surprised family who were also guests, and people seated nearby congratulating her. Even the videographer cut to her frequently during the ceremony, and you can’t hear anything over the chatter. When John gave his toast, he apologized for being caught up in the moment, and then proceeded to talk about he and Jane’s future with nary a mention of us. During the reception John and Jane became the primary focus of our guests. John even went out of his way to ask the band for a special dance for just him and Jane on the dance floor. I’ve never been an attention hog, and I wouldn’t even have minded if he’d proposed after the ceremony, but weeks later I am still seething. I am so shocked and angry that I keep asking myself if this is real life. My husband hasn’t spoken to John since the wedding, and our mutual friends think what he did was rude but that my husband should just get over it. My husband has joked that he’ll resume his friendship when John and Jane give him a $40,000 check for “their half of the wedding.” Do you think John’s behavior warrants the end of a long-term friendship, or are we angry over nothing?

A: I think it merits a fight! In between “getting over it” and “never speaking to John again” is the happy medium of “having a difficult conversation with a longtime friend who did something selfish and self-absorbed on your wedding day.” He’s your husband’s best friend, so your husband should tell John just how upset his behavior during your wedding made him. Maybe John will apologize and the two of them can have a meaningful reconciliation and build a better friendship as a result. Maybe John will double down and dismiss your husband’s feelings, and things will naturally fall apart between them. Whatever the outcome, there is definitely at least one step in between “seething silently” and “cutting John loose forever,” especially since the two of them have been best friends for a long time.

Q. An affair to remember: When I was starting graduate school, I met a lecturer who was 30 years older than me. He was smart, sophisticated, and charming. We ended up having an affair that lasted four years (technically he was married, but they lived separate lives in separate houses on different coasts); he inspired me to go after my Ph.D. and helped me find funding. It ended beautifully, and I have very fond memories of that time. I never discussed him or our relationship with anyone. He died while I was out of the country, and while I was sad not to be able to pay my respects, I never expected anything. Well, I got a phone call from the executor of his estate and was told he left me a rather generous bequest: several valuable paintings and his collection of rare books. I was shocked. Then I got several messages from his children asking to meet with me. I feel uncomfortable and a little guilty about the entire subject now. I don’t regret what happened between us, but I do not want to discuss it with his children and I am a little of afraid of what has been left behind. I don’t see what the unadorned truth will serve anyone, but I have many fond memories about conversations about art, science, and the human condition. Should I contact them or write them a letter? What should I do about the paintings and rare books? I feel like I need an objective outsider to give me the right perspective here.

A: If you don’t want to meet with his children, then don’t meet with them. You don’t owe them an explanation of the nature of your relationship with their father, and I can’t imagine what sort of productive conversation could take place between you. While you have every right to keep what’s been left to you, if you’re truly uncomfortable at the unexpected gift years after your relationship ended, you can legally refuse the bequest; find out what steps are necessary in your state in order to do so. Or you might consider donating your inheritance to a museum or research institution that could use them, like your former graduate school. You’ll still have the fond memories of your time with this man, after all.

Q. Re: Protecting my husband: You need to go to the nursing supervisor or patient advocate NOW and inform them of the HIPAA violations that are occurring every time the medical team talks to anyone but your husband or you about his condition. If they don’t immediately stop talking to his family, take this higher up. They will not mess with HIPAA violations.

A: That’s great advice. It’s mind-boggling that the hospital bypassed a patient’s spouse for days on end just (presumably) because their father-in-law is a doctor.

Q. Boyfriend blues: My boyfriend struggles with depression and has refused to get help throughout the entirety of our relationship (by his logic, he has “messed up his brain beyond repair” and won’t listen to any arguments that that is not how it works). Usually I am with it enough to be there for him during a depression spiral—at least as much as possible without being a mental health professional—but I am currently going through a lot of stress with moving and starting a new job, and it’s putting a lot of strain on our relationship. Beyond the fact that I’m not qualified to give him the help he needs, I am (kind of selfishly) feeling how one-sided our relationship is right now. Recently, in a moment of weakness, I told him that even if he didn’t get help for himself, then maybe he could get it for the people that he loves, and he responded that that isn’t enough of a motivator for him to try. I know that was his depression talking, but it hurt me deeply nonetheless. I don’t know where to draw the boundary lines between trying to be there for him and maintaining my own sanity.

A: I think “here and now” is a great place to draw a boundary. Being supportive of someone’s depression is not the same thing as being in a romantic relationship with them, and the only question you should be asking yourself about continuing to date this man is, “Am I happy in this relationship?” It sounds like the answer is “No, and I haven’t been for a while.” Ending this relationship will not worsen his depression, because your romantic relationship is not a clinically effective treatment for depression. You can care about someone and wish them the best while also acknowledging that you do not make for a happy, loving couple.

Q. A rock and a hard place: About six years ago, I got out of a long-term relationship and had a brief fling with a friend, M. We both knew it was casual, and when he started dating someone, we stopped sleeping together but stayed friends. He, his girlfriend, and her child moved 1,200 miles away to where her family was from. He knew nobody there, and we started texting each other daily. M became my best friend and I fell in love, although I never said anything about it to him. We see each other a couple times a year; any time he comes back home to see family and friends, he makes sure to set aside a night for the two of us to get dinner together. About a year ago, I met someone and we’re starting to get serious, although I have some reservations. Two months ago, M and his girlfriend broke up. He said they had been trying to make it work for her child, and he’s devastated that he is losing a child he helped raise. He has decided to move back home—and told me that if things don’t work with my boyfriend, he’s coming for me. Part of me is annoyed—I had finally been getting over M. But I had never told him how I felt. Part of me is scared—is this just because he’s lonely? Would I only be a rebound? Part of me is relieved, knowing that this hasn’t been one-sided all these years is a big deal. Half of me wants to stay with my boyfriend and try to focus on our relationship, but half of me is saying, “You’ve loved M for five years, YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS!” I feel like it’s disrespectful to my boyfriend to try to repair something with him when my heart wants to be elsewhere. Am I being naïve?

A: Oh, boy. This dude has made it abundantly clear, I think, that you are not much more than a backup and a failsafe to him. “If things don’t work out with your boyfriend, I’m coming for you” is the romantic equivalent of “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS.” He gives you the edges of his time and attention (it’s no accident that you only developed that upgraded sense of emotional intimacy after he moved away), and you’ve filled in the blanks with a fantasy. A few times a year he sets aside a whole entire night to get dinner with you. That’s not love! That’s just ... the occasional dinner. It has been one-sided all of these years. I’d wager that M is perfectly aware you’ve fallen for him and has planned those occasional dinners to keep you on the line long enough that you’d remain his faithful backup if things ever fell through in his “real” relationship. You blame yourself for never telling M how you felt, but I don’t think that was going to be what made the difference between you being his girlfriend versus just being his backup. That’s a harsh truth to have to realize about someone you’ve constructed a fantasy around, but it’s better to coldly assess your actual history with this man before chucking away a real relationship on the strength of five years’ worth of half-hearted emotional infidelity.

Whether or not you break up with your current boyfriend is irrelevant—you two may or may not be suited for one another—but for your own well-being, and to ensure that future relationships aren’t tainted by this same backward longing, you should consider M a former friend and lose his number.

Q. Sneaky sister who can’t sneak: My little sister is the only one in our family who still lives at home, and she has a horrible relationship with my dad. They both took the recent death of our mother pretty hard, and I’ve watched as their once close relationship soured with my dad’s need for companionship conflicting with my sister’s need for a father who wasn’t either out all hours of the night or bringing strangers back to the house. This has resulted in many fights, therapy sessions, lies, and my sister’s declaration that she wants no relationship with our dad whatsoever. I’ve tried to be a comforting and supportive figure for my baby sister, but my anxiety and middle child syndrome make all the fighting really difficult, especially on a weekly/daily basis. Last week, my sister told me that she would like to tell my dad that she was staying with me at my house over the summer before her senior year of high school. I would happily let her stay, and told her as much, but then came the catch: She actually wants to stay at a neighbor’s house on the same block as my dad’s home. This neighbor has been a real comfort for my sister, which I appreciate, but my dad sees them as someone stealing his daughter away. It makes more sense for her to stay at the neighbor’s house (it’s closer to her swim practice and summer job), I want to support my little sister 100 percent, and even her therapist suggested that my sister spend some time away from my dad, but ... I’m a reeeeally bad liar. I can tell a white lie or two in the moment, but with all this pressure of hiding my sister from my dad for three months, I just know I’m going to panic/accidentally spill the beans and rupture our family even more. If I say no, my sister will hate me, and she’ll either stay miserable with my dad or come up with a bigger lie that I won’t be trusted with, which could mean risking her safety. I don’t know what to do.

A: Why not have her actually stay with you? This way she still gets out of your father’s house, and you don’t have to worry constantly about revealing her secret. It would be prohibitively difficult for her to hide from her father on his own block, and she could still spend time with the helpful neighbor while staying with you. Stress the fact that while you don’t want to betray her confidence, you are an objectively bad liar, and that it’s only a matter of time before that strategy falls apart; then offer to make the lie true and host her at your place.

Mallory Ortberg: See you all next week! Take it easy on each other until then.

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Last-Minute Arrival

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 30 May 2017 19:54:49 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: A joyous and a sensible Tuesday to you all. Let’s chat!

Q. To tell or not to tell: My relationship ended because although we were still in love, we were at an impasse where children were concerned: He had gone from “maybe” wanting them to 100 percent committed to living child-free. I have always wanted to be a mother, so we split amicably and I moved back to where I’m from on the other side of the world. I discovered I’m pregnant two weeks ago and am feeling conflicted. It’s definitely his as I haven’t been with anyone else in years. I want the baby, and I have a big community of family and friends around me to help. Am I obligated to inform him, knowing he doesn’t want children? What would co-parenting even look like with an ocean between us? It almost seems kinder not to tell him, but it seems immoral. I’m also afraid he will be angry or suggest I did it on purpose. Is there a way to tell him and also assure him that he need have no part in it, that he is under no obligation and I would even prefer he were not involved, without being a dick about it?

A: It is, I think, a good idea to tell your ex you’re going to have a child. Even if he doesn’t like the information, and even if the conversation is profoundly uncomfortable, at the very least you will be practicing for the many uncomfortable conversations you will have to have as a parent. Sure, there’s a way to tell him you’re pregnant and you also don’t intend to turn to him for emotional or financial support, or require his services as a co-parent. You just told me beautifully, and I think when you inform him you should say exactly what you said to me. He may get angry, which is fine. Having reproductive-style sex generally allows for the possibility of pregnancy, even with birth control; he can’t exactly get mad at you without also blaming himself. (Well, he can, and people do all the time, but he shouldn’t.) The silver lining is that both of you appear to be on the same page—neither of you want or expect him to be involved in this baby’s life. It may be possible for you two to arrive at a mutually satisfactory custody agreement together that spells out his non-involvement in your child’s life, which would likely bring you no little piece of mind in the future.

Q. I don’t want to work during maternity leave!: My current employer is asking how “available” I’ll be during my upcoming maternity leave—i.e. will I be willing to take meetings, go to pitches, respond to emails, do assignments, etc. This is my third child, and third employer that I’ve encountered while pregnant for that matter, that has made it very clear they expect me to maintain my workload and communications while I’m out on maternity leave. The last two times I’ve obliged, but this is my last child, and the last chance I have to really embrace my maternity leave and this big milestone in life! How do I tell my current employer I’d rather not be available for any work commitments without sounding like I’m not still dedicated to my job outside this sensitive time?

A: I welcome anyone with more specific information on maternity leave protections to chime in, but my inclination is to advise you to say, “I won’t be available during my maternity leave, but I’ll be back to work on X date.” It sounds like your last two maternity leaves were with different employers, so at the very least your boss can’t try to use precedent against you. Don’t say you’d rather not be available during this time because that leaves open room for argument. Taking maternity leave to actually go on maternity leave does not mean that you’re not dedicated to your job. It means you just gave birth.

Q. My mom told my phobic sister all my partner’s secrets, and she aired them all on Facebook: The only family my partner has ever had was her drug-addicted parents who once broke her arm to get pain meds. Needless to say, she has trust issues. She used to joke that she only dated people with large close-knit families because she wanted the whole package. She was ecstatic to join my boisterous throng of relatives and even calls my parents Mom and Dad at their bequest. The only person who hasn’t embraced her is my sister who is racist and homophobic. My partner is a lesbian and biracial. My sister has had it out for her for “brainwashing” me since I came out of the closet. My family has ignored my sister’s tantrums.

Over the years my partner has developed a really close bond with my family, especially my mother, to whom she’s told many of her deep personal secrets. The two are close and often go to each other first whenever they need something. Last year my mom pulled my partner into a family drama that involved my sister. My sister was enraged and we woke the following morning to several lengthy, graphic posts about my partner. This how not only my partner and I, but all of our respective co-workers, bosses, friends, etc. learned that my mother has been feeding every secret my partner ever told her back to my sister. My sister considered nothing off-limits, even great detail about my partner’s rape and subsequent abortion when she not yet a teenager and my sister’s theory about this causing her to be a lesbian ... which was still not the worst thing she posted. My partner has been depressed ever since. Friends she’s had for years stopped talking to her. Her boss doesn’t make eye contact with her anymore. Her life has been fodder for a lot of office gossip.

My family was not even bothered by what my sister did. My mother has come up with excuse after excuse about how she did nothing wrong and thinks my partner should apologize to her for getting angry about it. The expectation is that this is just a family squabble and my partner will get over it and rejoin the fold like nothing happened. Meanwhile my partner has told me she no longer wishes to get married, and she doesn’t see how we can have a future as she’ll never be comfortable around them again. I don’t blame her. My mom used her trust and handed my sister ammo. I’m being torn between my partner and my family and I feel like it may be my fault. Where can I go from here?

A: Great God, this is one of the most distressing things I’ve ever heard. Your mother has betrayed your partner’s trust in the most profound and humiliating way imaginable, and that she has the audacity to demand an apology from your partner after betraying her secrets to a racist homophobe who hates her is absolutely chilling.

Your partner is absolutely right to question your future together if you have not already taken a strong position against your family’s treatment of her. This is not a situation where a person should be “torn.” On the one side, you have your partner—the woman who loves you, who has suffered greatly in life, and who has borne your sister’s racist, homophobic attacks with grace and patience. On the other hand you have a mother who weaponized your partner’s assault and trauma as a teenage rape victim, and a sister who publicly delighted in sharing the most painful, private, intimate details of your partner’s past. That your partner has friends who have stopped talking to her because of what your sister did is absolutely horrifying and suggests that your partner has very few people who are in her corner and coming to her defense. Please be that person for her, and do not keep your mother and your sister in your life. They are not good people, they have expressed no regret for their actions, and they are not safe for your partner (or anyone they consider a target) to be around. If you’re not able to do that, then I hope your partner finds the strength to leave you and take care of herself.

Q. The gay ’90s: My grandpa came out to my grandma (his wife of 40 years) and his kids in the ’90s. None of them took it well, but they have gradually rekindled loving (and, I think, stronger) relationships in the years since. One of my uncles and his wife (my aunt) took the news worst of all, but they are currently caring for my grandpa in his old age (my grandma passed away more than a decade ago and most of the family lives farther away). The trouble is they still have not told their kids (my cousins) who are now the only ones in the family who ostensibly don’t know. One of these cousins is in college but lives at home, so she spends a lot of time with my grandpa. My grandpa told me he wishes he could tell her or somehow find out if she has figured it out on her own. The main reason he came out in the first place was because the fear of people finding out accidentally was painful and exhausting. I don’t want to bring it up with her because we are not close, and I don’t think it’s my information to give. On the other hand, I think it’s wrong that my aunt and uncle are withholding this information from their adult children and that they are pressuring my grandpa to stay in the closet around his grandkids. Is there anything I can do?

A: You can call and visit your grandfather whenever it’s possible for you, so there’s at least one family member he’s in regular contact with who knows he’s gay and can speak honestly with. You can also, I think, encourage him to tell your cousin—she’s a grown adult and it’s not reasonable of his children to expect him to stay closeted around her. They’ve had at least 20 years to come to terms with the fact that their father is gay. Honestly, if your grandfather is comfortable with the idea, I think you could even ask him if it would be all right for you to tell her on his behalf and relieve some of his anxiety. Being pressured into the closet at the end of his life must be painful and exhausting for your grandfather. If there’s anything you can do to relieve some of that burden, as long as he’s willing, I think you should try to do it.

Q. Re: I don’t want to work during maternity leave!: Assuming the LW is in the U.S., maternity leave is one of the conditions covered by the Family and Medical Leave Act. Depending on what state the LW is in, there may be state laws in play as well. Going on a leave of absence means that you are physically not available to perform your job. The law gives you time to recover from childbirth and to bond with your new baby, and protects your job while doing so. No employer has the legal right to hold it against you if you inform them that your leave of absence means that you will be, well, absent!

A: This is helpful; someone else recommended the LW google “FMLA interference” for further advice on how to avoid being pressured into working while on leave. Thanks!

Q. Takes the cake: I used to be a professional baker in college and I continue to do it for friends and family. Two and a half years ago I did my cousin’s wedding cake but did not attend her wedding as I had small children at the time (it was adults only). I never got a thank you from her, written or otherwise, and my aunt even scolded me for not sending a gift! Rather than cause a fight, I sent my cousin a gift card and promptly knocked her and my aunt off the cake list. Every time they have asked, I have told them it wasn’t a good time or I was too busy. I have continued to make cakes for friends, co-workers, and other family. Only now my cousin is pregnant and wants me to do a cake at her baby shower—I told her no. Now my aunt and she are asking everyone why I hate my cousin and refuse to do the cake but will do it for strangers (I did a cake for a co-worker’s kid’s graduation). I want to strike back that I got thanked by those people but I don’t think it will be helpful. I can’t avoid them as we live in the same town and attend family events. Help! I don’t hate them but I don’t want to bake for them, what should I do?

A: Continue to not make your cousin a cake, and to meet rudeness and prying with cheerful non-engagement. “I love Rourthenay, but my schedule won’t permit it. Have you tried ordering a cake from [NONDESCRIPT CAKE EMPORIUM NO. 7]? I hear they do great work.” If your aunt wants to complain all over town that her niece won’t make her a free cake, let her; I don’t think she’s going to be met with a great deal of sympathy.

Q. Pet sitter messed up cat’s medication: Over the Memorial Day weekend, my boyfriend and I hired pet sitters who had taken care of our cats once before over a 10-day vacation. We were very pleased with their service at that time. This time around, both of our cats needed medication, which the sitters assured us they could handle. But they apparently do not know the difference between 0.1 ml and 1 ml and gave one of our cats several times the correct dosage of one of the medicines. Luckily, this wasn’t dangerous and she’s fine. But if it were a different kind of medication, it could’ve easily not been fine at all, and the incident caused stress on our vacation because we couldn’t see for ourselves that she was OK (we were the ones who figured out, from afar, that she’d been overdosed, and it took a while to get them to understand what had happened).

I had previously written a five-star yelp review for this business, but I just updated it to three stars with an explanation of what happened. I said I would still recommend this business if a pet doesn’t need medication, which is true—they do a great job feeding and keeping in touch while you’re gone. But I think it’s important for potential clients to know that they may not know how to dispense medication properly. Now the owner of the business is emailing and texting about how sad she is over the review and that it will hurt her business, which is how she and the other sitters make a living and support their families. I do understand all that and I have no desire to hurt their business—and they did do a great job the first time around. Should I take the review down? (I would take down both reviews; I definitely don’t want the five-star one up without the update.)

A: I think it’s unlikely that a single three-star review is going to be what makes the difference between the sitters at this company being able to provide for their families versus starving in the streets. Your review was accurate and reasonable, and just because it makes the owner of the business sad is not a sufficient reason to remove it. If the owner is interested in retraining her employees in the matter of dispensing medication and wants to address it by replying to your review, then she is free to do so (and should!). But, as you say, this is relevant information for potential clients to have, especially if their pets are dependent upon medication with carefully-calibrated doses. The owner would do better to channel her anxiety into making sure everyone who works for her knows the difference in dosage measurements than to repeatedly text you.

Q. Re: Takes the cake: I think it’s a little unfair to passive aggressively punish the aunt and cousin without telling them why. They may think the writer is overreacting, in which case NO CAKE FOR THEM. But maybe they apologize profusely! Or maybe they wrote a letter that got lost in the mail. Either way, the writer should at least tell them why they’re upset.

A: For whatever it’s worth, the OP believes that explaining the situation won’t make any difference to their cousin. That and the aunt’s campaign to announce this cake-related injustice all over town suggests that the letter writer is not dealing with reasonable people. That said, it’s definitely the simplest solution, and even if their relatives don’t like the answer, I think it’s worth trying. Let’s upgrade my answer from “You don’t have to make anyone a cake on demand; leave it at that” to “Consider telling them kindly and calmly that you were bothered that they never thanked you for the last one, and if they explode, now you have an even better reason not to make them cakes in the future.”

Q. Job acceptance etiquette: I’ve been unemployed for two months (layoffs), and I recently interviewed for a position I’m likely to get. The problem is that I don’t feel passionate about this role or the company whatsoever. It’s not a horrible place, but they expect me to take on the responsibilities of three people for the salary of one. The health care would be excellent so that I don’t have to keep paying out of pocket, though my savings will last until mid-fall. I know I wouldn’t be happy on a regular basis if I feel agitated even before the offer, so what’s the etiquette when being offered a job you’ll likely leave within a few months? Settle because it’s the only option? Don’t take the opportunity from someone who might love it, and don’t waste the company’s time? I have zero dependents, if that matters.

A: Your primary obligation in this instance is to yourself. If it makes the difference between having a few months’ worth of rent left in your savings account versus having nothing at all, then you should take the job regardless of how long you plan on staying. There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to find another job offer right away, and it may be that you end up at this company for closer to six months to a year before you’re able to move on.

If, however, you’re not close to any sort of financial emergency and feel reasonably confident you’ll have a job offer you like better in a number of weeks or months, you can pass. It’s not a good idea to have a lot of short-term tenures on your resume, but if historically you’ve stayed at previous employers for long periods of time, you should be able to explain this blip relatively easily. If this makes a big difference to you financially (especially if it would make the difference between having health insurance versus paying for it yourself), and if you think you could see your way to sticking it out for at least six months, then I think you should consider accepting.

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Help! My Boyfriend Wants to Keep Our Relationship a Secret—Forever.

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 30 May 2017 19:44:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Permanent secret: A few months ago, I began dating an amazing man who I can see myself being with long-term. He’s funny, kind, thoughtful, and honest. We have the same interests and views and make each other laugh all day. We’re both around 30. We are also interracial, from very different backgrounds: I’m Caucasian, from a Catholic family; he’s South Asian, from a Muslim family. A few years ago, he denounced his conservative lifestyle and became nonreligious but has kept this from his family, who live in a different state.

If his parents knew he stopped practicing Islam, or that he drank, or that he was dating me, they would be appalled and cut him off indefinitely. So, he says that he can never tell them about me. Which means that if we move in together, it would have to be somewhat of a secret, and if we got married, we couldn’t publicly celebrate it.

I don’t know where to go from here. Is there some sort of compromise that I haven’t thought of? I’m willing to work with this, but the thought of being a permanent secret is not something I’m enthusiastic about.

A: There is not a compromise you have not thought of. Either your boyfriend would have to be willing to tell his family about you and accept the fallout, or you would have to be willing to pretend to not be his partner (and later, his wife) whenever his family called or visited. If he can’t do the former and you can’t do the latter, then you two do not stand a very good chance of making a long-term relationship work.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 30 May 2017 16:00:00 GMT

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She’s the Boss

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 25 May 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
I have a friend “Allen” who I believe is being manipulated and emotionally abused by his significant other. Over the course of their relationship, his (now) wife: 1) has joined herself to Allen’s hip so that he can’t make plans with others that don’t include her (surprisingly, he was able to have a guys-only day for his bachelor party), 2) when they do attend events and parties together, she occupies about 90 percent of his social interactions, 3) she has drastically changed his diet (former meat-lover to hard-core vegan), 4) has rushed him into their life events (moving in together, proposing, getting married, buying a house, and she has even named their future children). On that note, I do respect that every couple is different and proceeds with such life events at their own pace, but I know that she actually forced him to propose to her, even throwing a fit at a mutual friend’s wedding a while back as they still weren’t engaged by then.

Since they got married in September, he has stopped speaking to me, my boyfriend, and a few of our other mutual friends, when he was previously very close to us. I feel that this is her doing, and that she’s trying to control who he talks to now. The thing is, Allen avoids any and all confrontation like the plague, so he just lets this all happen and refuses to respond if anyone tries to reach out to him. Some of us have asked him if he’s OK, if he needs help, as he is visibly miserable, but he just ignores us. It’s possible that she even monitors Allen’s phone and computer use. Is there anything else we can do for Allen, or are we forced to watch this train wreck from afar?

—Worried Bystander

What you’ve described thus far ranges from mildly unpleasant to deeply controlling, but hasn’t (yet?) decidedly crossed over into overtly abusive behavior. It can be difficult to parse the difference between a relationship where one partner’s personality and preference clearly dominates and an actively abusive one. You might find Allen’s wife’s dietary habits unpleasant, but if he’s decided to go vegan with her (even if you think it goes against his natural inclinations), that’s their business. The fact that she put heavy pressure on him to move in together and get married is, again, something that you might dislike in her but does not endanger Allen’s well-being.

However, it’s worrisome that he has abruptly lost contact with most of his close friends since his marriage, as is the fact that you believe there’s a chance, however slight, that she’s monitoring his conversations. The best way to proceed now is with caution—you’re trying to determine whether or not your friend is in danger, and if so, how to offer him support. You can’t force him to open up to you, and in the absence of solid evidence you can’t call upon some form of outside intervention, but you can do your level best to keep a line of nonjudgmental, supportive communication with him, even if he doesn’t always respond. That doesn’t mean calling him every week asking him to meet you somewhere—just the occasional text or periodically including him on a group invitation to get together. Offer to meet him somewhere in public during work hours if he seems receptive so you won’t put him in the position of having to explain his whereabouts to his wife. Don’t pressure him into admitting he’s miserable right away, but ask him how he’s doing and try to draw him out by letting him know how much you’ve missed getting to catch up with him. If his wife is abusing him, pressuring him before he’s ready to talk about it might make him withdraw, even if it’s well-intentioned. And on the other hand, if he’s not being abused, he’ll likely resent the implication. Either way, you can only offer him support and friendship and hope that if he does need help, he will take advantage of your presence. If you find evidence that his wife is trying to isolate and control him in an unhealthy way, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE to learn more about how to help Allen seek help, if he wants it.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have recently become friends with two women from my college. I’m queer and they’re both lesbians, and I was excited to make more friends in the LGBT community. The problem is that they won’t stop hitting on me. I’m in a serious long-distance relationship with a man I love. At first I found their comments flattering, but they started going too far when they joked about “stealing” me away to my boyfriend’s face when he was visiting. One of them started grinding on me at a party and asked, “Are you wet yet?”

I dislike confrontation, but I don’t think it’s too much to expect that my friends respect my relationship. Do I just cut them off? Do I have to confront them and tell them to respect my relationship or we can’t be friends? My partner and I trust each other entirely and I know he’d never ask me to stop being friends with someone, but I don’t want to risk our relationship so that I can have gay friends. If they were hitting on my boyfriend or men hitting on me I would never tolerate this, so why is it so hard when they’re my gender?

—Double Standards

Assholes and predators and boundary-transgressors show up in every single community, but it’s often hard to recognize or admit that to ourselves when we want to believe that fellow members of a marginalized group would always know or act better. Your friends’ behavior is self-evidently bad—they shouldn’t have to be told that grinding on someone and then asking if they’re wet, regardless of whether that person is in a relationship or not, is not an OK thing to do. You seem more concerned that these girls aren’t respecting your relationship, but I’m concerned that they don’t seem to respect you, your limits, or your personal space. If you just don’t want to spend time with them anymore, you’re not obligated to offer an explanation. But if the subject comes up, or they ask you why you haven’t been spending time with them anymore, I think you should steel yourself and tell them why.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am a socially anxious and naturally private person, which generally means that my acquaintances and co-workers don’t know very much about me. I’m not one to share things about my personal life without being asked direct questions. For example, I’ve been working nights at a part-time job in addition to my 9-to-5 for months and only just recently told my co-workers that I have a second job. Divulging this felt like a big deal.

My problem is this: I have a long-distance partner who is trans nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns. My co-workers have no idea I’m dating anyone, and my partner feels that this is odd and erases their identity. The idea of having a personal conversation with my co-workers in general is stressful, and the idea of talking to them—all older, all higher in rank, all less-than-savvy when it comes to gender identity—about personal pronouns is anxiety-inducing for me. I want to be my partner’s primary ally and help educate the people in my life about nonbinary identities. After all, they have to deal with people “not getting” their pronouns and identity every day. How do I push myself to share more of my personal life without anxiety and learn to approach the conversation of pronouns with people in a professional setting—particularly polite office talk?

—How to Help

There are two separate issues here. One is how you can talk about your relationship with your partner and their identity with others without feeling overly anxious; the other is whether or not you want to discuss your personal life at work. Just because you wish to have a strictly professional relationship with your colleagues doesn’t mean you are erasing your partner’s identity. This would be true regardless of your partner’s gender. It might be different if you were open at work about everything else in your personal life—if, say, you and your co-workers were friendly off the clock, spent a lot of after-hours time in one another’s company, and were generally up to date on one another’s partners. That’s not what’s going on here! You’ve only just mentioned you have a second job to your colleagues, and I’m willing to bet there’s precious little else they know about you. And that is perfectly fine. If, at some point in the future, you are having a casual, friendly chat with some of your co-workers and they mention their own significant others, you should feel as free to say, “Oh, my partner likes The Fast and the Furious movies too” as you are to contribute nothing at all. But you don’t need to plan a conversation about your partner if that’s not the kind of relationship you have with your co-workers.

However, you indicate you’d like to be more supportive and assertive about your relationship with your partner to people in your life. But since you say you’re generally a socially anxious person, it might make sense to first address that base level of anxiety before trying to have higher-level conversations about your partner, gender identity, and pronoun etiquette. If you’re not already seeing a therapist for your social anxiety, I’d encourage you to do so. If that’s not possible right now, try coming up with tasks to challenge yourself on a daily basis. There are relatively inexpensive social anxiety workbooks you can use, or you can make a list of situations that heighten your anxiety in order from least to most stress-inducing (anything from asking a stranger to directions to having a prolonged personal conversation with a co-worker), and try to slowly work your way up the list. That doesn’t mean you have to accomplish everything you’ve written down, of course, merely that it will provide you with a helpful guide as you try to expand your social interactions. Then, once you feel more comfortable among acquaintances, you can test out discussing your partner in casual conversation, and go from there.

* * *

Dear Prudence: How do I tell people I’m upset they bailed on my birthday?

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Dear Prudence,
I’m a gay guy in my early 30s. As a child I was often beaten up for my effeminate ways, but I eventually found my way to peace and am now a happy, proud, out gay man. I have a lot of great friendships, mostly with other gay guys and straight women. The thing is, I’m also physically attracted to (some) women, and I’m not out about this. It’s been something that’s been building for a few years now, and I’m actually worried about two things.

First, I know I don’t want a relationship (short or long-term) with a woman. I just want to have fun, but it seems that most women aren’t interested in just a fling, especially with a guy who’s sensitive and seems like a good long-term partner. Is that wrong? I hope I’m not sounding self-centered or sexist by accident. Second, I worry about revealing my physical attraction to (some) women to my current female friends. I’m worried they’ll look at me like they do straight guys, which is with a kind of constant worry that it could all go wrong at any time. (Which I really get, since it seems like the straight guys I know would happily hook up with basically any woman.) I know this seems like a silly problem, but it’s bothering me and I just would like an outside opinion.

—Can Nice Guys Have Fun?

This is not a silly problem at all! This has to do with how you see yourself, how other people see you, your fear that some of your closest friends would treat you differently if they knew—it’s a matter of profound personal significance, and it makes so much sense that you’re worried and conflicted. The first thing to remember is that you do not have to tell your friends anything about your physical attractions. If, right now, you want to figure this out on your own, you have every right to take your time and do so. You can be a bisexual man who is almost exclusively interested in men (a lot of people seem to think bisexual people are exactly 50/50 split between men and women, which isn’t true), or you can be a gay man who, every once in a while, gets attracted to the occasional woman. Hopefully your female friends would realize that just because every so often a woman does it for you doesn’t mean that you’re attracted to them, but regardless, if you don’t want to tell them, you don’t have to.

When it comes to possibly exploring your attraction to some women, be very clear that you’re not looking for a relationship. You might find an especially receptive audience among bisexual/queer women, who will be, at the very least, likelier to understand where you’re coming from and what you’re looking for. Lots of women are looking for partners, sure, but there are also plenty of women who are game for casual sex (just as not all men are hookup-powered cyborgs). The potential pitfalls you describe are not isolated to nice guys. Even if you are a sensitive fellow, as long as you’re upfront about your intentions and seek people who are looking for the same thing as you, I don’t think you’re going to run into too many complications. If there’s anyone in your life—maybe a male friend, maybe a therapist, maybe a friend who lives far away and isn’t part of your everyday social group—you trust to talk about this side of your sexuality with, I’d encourage you to do so, if only so it doesn’t feel like a big burden that you can’t share with anyone. Whatever comes next for you, good luck!

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I recently made the personal decision to become sober. While my substance use never became life-threatening, it was very quietly taking its toll on my mental health. I tried unsuccessfully to limit my drinking and realized that the only way for me to do this was to stop altogether. I’m not ready to tell my family about sobriety. Our relationship is already a little strained, and their views on mental health make it difficult for me to talk about anything I struggle with. They tend to view mental health issues as character flaws or personal failings, and that in turn makes me shut down.

There’s also the issue of how my parents treat each other. My dad cut way back on his drinking after losing family members to addiction, and he calls my mother a “drunk” when she goes out to drink with her friends or siblings. My mom in turn thinks of him as a killjoy. I don’t want my own personal decisions to be leveraged in this ongoing argument. So far my strategy has been to politely refuse whenever I’m offered a drink at a family event and to leave early, but when I’m repeatedly offered drinks throughout the night (say five or six times), it gets exhausting. I’m not sure when or how or even if I want to tell them about my sobriety. Please help me navigate the family reunion.

—No Thanks

One of the great things about personal decisions is that you do not have to tell anyone you don’t want to about it, ever. If you decide you don’t ever want to go into details with your parents about your relationship to drinking, you do not have to! Frankly, it sounds like limiting the time you spend around your family (your parents in particular) might be another personal decision you should consider. Try cutting back on the number of family events you attend, especially ones that are centered around drinking together. But for the ones you absolutely can’t get out of, I think having a solid offensive and defensive strategy will help you avoid conversations you don’t want to have. You can always say, “No thanks, I’m not drinking tonight” on the first offer and hope that everyone else gets the message. You can also make yourself a drink upon arrival so that when someone tries to offer you one, you can point to your sparkling water with lime (that happens to look like a gin and tonic) and say, “Thanks, but I’ve already got one.” Top yourself up periodically and avail yourself of the helpfully content-obscuring red Solo cup whenever possible. Unless your family is incredibly prying, that should protect you from most garden-variety drink-pushers.

In the longer run, give yourself permission to opt out of your parents’ long-running argument over who has the real problem with drinking. You don’t have to participate, even as a bystander, as they both accuse one another of being a closet alcoholic or a reactionary square. Just focus on establishing the relationship with alcohol that works for you, coming up with an impersonal deflection for prying questions about your own drinking habits, and untangling yourself from your family’s overly enmeshed dynamics.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have a somewhat silly question that’s weighing heavily on me. I went to a show last weekend for one of my favorite bands. They’re known for outrageous theatrics, so I got there an hour early and claimed a good vantage spot. While the stage was being cleared for the headliner, a couple came through the crowd and tried to pass by me. I thought they had left their seats to get drinks or use the restroom, so I let them through, but then they stopped and stood right in front of me. I’m 5-foot-5 and both of them were easily 6 feet tall. I spent most of the show trying to get a view in between their heads. The girl was also on her phone the whole time (not even recording the band—mostly Snapchatting various mosh-pit antics). I saw more of her phone than the stage. I eventually got fed up and told her I didn’t pay to watch the show through her phone. She didn’t seem to care and kept doing it.

Is it possible she didn’t put her phone away because I was rude to her? Is there a better way to address these issues in the future? Do I go find a new spot and risk inconveniencing someone else, or just grin and accept that this is how it’s going to be sometimes? Should I have waited until someone in the pit bumped me and “spilled” my drink on them? This time, I moved so I was in between them and the mosh pit (they kept falling over when people ran into them) and pushed people back into the pit, but my tiny frame is not built for that and I felt sore the day after. (At least I saw the last half of the show!)

—Down in Front

One of the unfortunate and inevitable downsides of going to a show without assigned seats is putting up with limited space and a higher concentration of drunks and/or boors per square foot. They’re not always easy to predict or restrain. When you realized the couple wasn’t returning to their seats but was trying to get as far up as possible, it would have been fine to politely ask to either trade spaces or for them to move, since you were there first and they were blocking your view. It was also a violation of general concert etiquette for that girl to keep her phone on during the entire show. She might have been more inclined to put it away for a few minutes had you asked her without sarcasm, but given the rest of her and her boyfriend’s behavior, the odds are just as good that she would have continued to be moderately thoughtless no matter how nicely you phrased your request. The advantage of being 5-foot-5 is that if you end up having to find a new spot, you’re less likely to be inconveniencing someone behind you.

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Marriage Before Sex

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 23 May 2017 12:30:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. My gay best friend proposed to me: I am 35 right now, and my best friend “Tom” is 39. We have been best friends since our college years, survived career changes, the death of parents (mine), cancer (him), and never finding true love. Tom’s lover left him during his bout with cancer, and I wasted the last five years with a guy who lied to me about wanting kids and marriage. I have always wanted to get married and have kids. Tom wants the same thing; only Tom is gay. We always joked about having kids together if we hit 40 without finding true love. But Tom is serious now. He has brought it up a couple of times and thinks we should do it. He says he loves me, trusts me, and it would be too hard to raise a baby as a single parent. It would be a partnership to raise the kids together and an open marriage. His insurance is better than mine and only for legal partners and families. We would do it artificially, and together I could afford to stay home with the baby. Tom is basically my only family now that my parents are gone, other than some cousins I exchange Christmas cards with. Am I crazy to consider this? I want to be a mom and Tom would be a great dad, and I don’t want to take my chances in the dating pool again. We could always get a divorce if either of us found love. I just feel that my heart is overtaking my head here. Am I being rational?

A: It is not crazy to consider a nontraditional family arrangement, not by a long shot. It’s also not something you should enter into lightly or without careful deliberation. If, in the back of your mind, you consider marriage and children with a romantically and sexually available partner to be your first and best option, and Tom’s solution a mere forestalling of the worst-case scenario, then you should carefully interrogate your own goals, desires, and expectations. Consider going to premarital counseling together for six months with a queer-friendly therapist who understands what kind of family you two are trying to develop before moving forward. It’s a good idea for any couple contemplating marriage and co-parenting, regardless of whether they’re romantically involved or not.

Talk seriously and at length about what an open marriage would look like. How much time would you be willing to grant the other to devote to dating while your children are very young? What would you do if one of you met someone they felt serious about while you were pregnant? While your children were infants? How will you two resolve disputes and handle the division of household labor? Have you ever lived together before? In the event of an amicable divorce, would one of you seek child support? What sort of custody arrangement would you be able to agree upon? These are all questions it’s crucial to address before you make any permanent decisions.

That doesn’t mean this is a bad idea, or that you shouldn’t consider it—I think it sounds lovely, and you and Tom seem to have a solid, long-term foundation for a lasting co-parenting partnership. But there are a lot of potential pitfalls, and you might run into more complications than the average romantic couple. That absolutely doesn’t mean you can’t consider it, just that you should plan for maximum difficulty and hope for the best. If you two can successfully develop some mutual goals, establish parenting compatibility, and figure out a level of commitment to one another that would work for both of you even once (or if) you start dating again, then I think you should move forward with cautious hope and joy.

Q. Previously married?: I’ve always had an interest in genealogy, and since I already know as much as there is to know about my family, I started looking into my partner’s family. He gave me some names, and for the past few days I’ve been telling him about information I found, and we were both quite excited about this. However, I might have just found out that his mom was previously married. All the facts seem to line up, but I’m not sure what to do with this information. My partner comes from a very religious family, where divorce is looked down upon. I don’t want to keep information from him, but I also don’t want to cause tension in his family by bringing this story to light, especially since I don’t know if it’s true. His mom passed away a couple of years ago and is thus unable to confirm it. I’m assuming that if she was previously married, her husband/my partner’s dad would have known, but what if he didn’t?

A: If it were me, I would put this potential bomb back and gingerly step away from whatever drawer I’d stashed it in. Given that your partner’s mother is dead, the absolute best-case scenario of this situation is as follows: You tell your partner you found out his mother was previously married, he confirms it, and the two of you speculate for a while about what that marriage might have been like. That’s it. That’s the best possible outcome. The only other possible outcomes are gossip, hurt feelings, sudden revelation of further secrets about the dead, and resentment. Since this happened before your in-laws got married, it’s not information that could change your partner’s understanding of his parents’ relationship and thus doesn’t seem crucial for him to know.

Given, however, that you are not me, if you think your partner would be able to handle this sudden revelation and wouldn’t necessarily demand his father offer an immediate explanation, you might consider discussing this just between the two of you. You know your partner better than I do, so only bring this up if you think there’s a decent chance he could absorb this information without feeling rocked, bearing in mind that the only person who could provide him with any sort of detailed explanation is now dead.

Q. Trying not to insult: Is there a rule on how to politely give “hand-me-downs” to people I encounter daily who are less fortunate financially? Example: I am fortunate enough to live a fairly comfortable life and because of a hectic schedule have a cleaning lady come to my home every few weeks. This young lady is lovely and very professional at her job. Since we chat during most of her visits I have gotten to know that she and her family are in a financial hardship (most of the time) and that she is constantly working to make ends meet. I know that things such as clothes/cosmetics/perfume are very expensive for her and a rarity. I happen to have several bottles of nice perfume (various gifts, etc.), which I never used and which are sitting on my shelf collecting dust. I would like for her to take them if she likes them but am unsure how to offer them without insulting her—I don’t want her to think that these are pity gifts or hand-me-downs I want to get rid of. She is a very proud person and I don’t want her to take it the wrong way. (I already pay her for her work.) I have several other things that I think she may like, but I have no idea how to offer them to her?

A: If you know this woman well enough that you’re worried she’d be offended by the gift of secondhand perfume, then I think you should trust your own judgment and not run the risk. If you’re looking to help her out financially, consider offering her a quarterly bonus or the occasional tip the next time she cleans your house.

Q. Good friend didn’t take my side in a dispute: I have a work friend that (until recently) I had been very close to both at and outside of work. We worked in cubicles next door to each other for about a year and half before I applied for a promotion and moved to another department at the same organization. While we didn’t see each other quite as often anymore, we still regularly met for coffee, lunches out, and social events outside of work. A few months into my new position, I got into a serious dispute with another co-worker concerning intellectual property rights and an article I had written. It’s a long story and could be the subject of its own question, but the end result was that the organization’s legal department sided with me, and the co-worker I was disputing with left the organization voluntarily. A few weeks after this dispute had been resolved, I was out to lunch with my friend, and as we hadn’t chatted in a while, I asked her if she had heard about this dispute. Turns out that my friend had not only heard about the dispute but had been communicating with the long-gone co-worker about it and had taken her side against me! I was shocked because I didn’t even know they were friends—and then I find out she took this other person’s side without even asking me about the dispute to hear my side of the story? I was so hurt that I haven’t spoken to this friend for the past few months. When she does try to approach me at work, I am polite but keep my distance. Now she has emailed me an invitation to something and seems to want to be friends again, yet she hasn’t mentioned the dispute—either to apologize or explain herself. Should I accept her invitation and see if she apologizes? Or keep my distance and consider the friendship lost?

A: An invitation is not the same thing as an apology. It sounds like your co-worker would like to resume some version of your previous friendship but does not believe herself to have done anything wrong. If you’re not interested in picking up where you left off unless she’s willing to apologize and hear your side of the story, I think you should decline the invitation and continue to remain professional but distant.

Q. New love and expectation of moving to another country: I recently started dating a wonderful man. As we have become a bit more serious, he inquired how I might transfer my ability to practice law to his country. I recently researched it, and it is incredibly hard to become licensed to practice law in his country. I don’t think I could do it. Is it reasonable to ask him if he would consider moving if our relationship became long-term due to my inability to become licensed (or extreme hardship in doing so) in his country? He currently works in both the U.S. and his home country, so it appears his career would permit him to find work in the U.S.? Should I not move forward with this relationship?

A: Yes, of course you can ask him. He already brought up the subject, so you don’t even have to go to the trouble of introducing the topic of moving. If it’s debilitatingly difficult for you to transfer your law degree to his country, but he’s already got a professional foothold in yours, it seems only practical that you two would consider the possibility of his moving to the United States full time. He may have had no idea that getting licensed would be so close to impossible. Everything you’ve described about him thus far sounds reasonable, so tell him what you’ve learned and see if he’s interested in considering other possibilities.

Q. Re: Trying not to insult: As the poorer friend who just learned of massive Goodwill donations of things that my household could have used, I think it’s OK to ask gently if someone is interested. She can always say no, but it’s really killing me to think that I could have saved hundreds of dollars and instead—POOF.

A: That’s a helpful perspective, although I think it’s worth bearing in mind that accepting a donation from a friend is situationally different from accepting a donation from an employer. There’s a difference, too, between useful household items and luxury perfume—tastes in perfume can be so subjective that I think the risk outweighs the reward. But it’s a point in the “Go ahead and offer” column!

Q. My friend doesn’t get that he broke up with her: I have a wonderful friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend of over five years, which was great, because it was such a terrible relationship, really unhealthy and toxic. She immediately started dating another guy. I was hoping that it was just a rebound, but when that relationship ended up fizzling out, she just wouldn’t get over it. He broke it off by saying that maybe, when they were both in a healthier place, they could get back together. She is so hung up on that and won’t get over it. My friends and I are trying to encourage her to enjoy being single—invest her time in hobbies and her mental health—but she will only do it in the context of being better for him to come back to her. I want to just tell her that he broke up with her, he won’t ever come back, but I don’t think she’ll believe me. All she does all day is worry about him and his mental health instead of herself. Worst of all, now her other ex is starting to text her again. How do I support her? How do I get her to just stop thinking about him and to focus on herself?

A: You can offer your own opinion clearly but no more than once (“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to text Monstro No. 1 back, but it’s your call”) unless invited to give further advice. Beyond that, you can offer her a generous berth to make bad decisions and limit the amount of time you spend listening to her talk about Monstro No. 2. If you’ve previously been willing to listen to her discuss his impending return endlessly, she may kick at the prospect of having an ever-present ear taken away from her, but hold fast. You may not be able to convince her to see her situation the way you do, but you can absolutely tell her, kindly but firmly, that she’s been talking about him in circles for weeks, which doesn’t seem to be helping any, and if she’s looking for further help processing the end of the relationship, she should talk to a professional about it.

Q. Re: Trying not to insult: I disagree. Ask your cleaning woman if she is interested in having first refusal of things you want to get rid of. If she says yes, then as long as these items are new and unopened (perfume, etc.), or in good usable condition (clothing, furniture), and she can say, “No, thank you” without offending you, then this can be a respectful interaction.

A: That’s a polite, open-ended way to offer! Thanks for the suggestion.

Q. Travel woes: I’m a college student and attend school very far from home. Summer break is coming soon, and I’d really like to take a weekend trip to a nearby country with my boyfriend of six months. The only thing stopping me from going ahead with booking is my parents. They’re pretty conservative and aren’t very keen on me traveling alone with him, sleeping in the same room as him, etc. We’re not very interested in inviting any friends along because our friend circles don’t really overlap, plus some friends end their semesters in different weeks. I can’t just book my tickets and go ahead because my parents control my bank account and getting a few hundred isn’t possible. My boyfriend and I are stuck on how best to convince my parents that it’ll be a healthy and safe trip, because we both really want to travel together for the first time. Any advice?

A: Are your parents your sole source of income, or do they merely have controlling access to your joint bank account? If it’s the former, then your options are slightly more limited. If it’s the latter, you might be able to visit a local branch and find out how to either set up your own, separate account, or how to make deposits and withdrawals without parental permission. Assuming your parents don’t just manage your bank account but also put money in it, you can try any one of the following:

Talk to them honestly about the trip you want to take, stress how safe and responsible you plan on being, and ask them to consider changing their minds. While you’re at it, you might reconsider inviting some of your nonoverlapping friends as a buffer. It’s only a weekend trip, not a month backpacking together and living out of one another’s pockets.
Ask your boyfriend to book the tickets on your behalf, if he’s financially able to and willing to consider it a gift or a long-term loan.
Skip the trip this summer, but start saving up money in a separate bank account so that you’re able to take future trips without getting your parents’ permission first.

Mallory Ortberg: That’s it for today, everyone. Thanks, and see you here next week!

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Worth the Weight

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 22 May 2017 18:55:00 GMT

Mallory Ortberg: I hope everyone’s in-laws, employers, neighbors, and lovers behaved with admirable restraint and courtesy this weekend. Let’s chat!

Q. My formerly fat best friend is so hot: I’ve been friends with a guy “Jake” for about 10 years, since college. When I first met him he was about 100 pounds overweight and kept gaining. A couple of years ago his dad died of a heart attack, and his brother had some heart issues too. It was a wake-up call, and Jake started a diet and exercise program. Now he’s smoking hot. Like I said, we’ve been friends for years, and a few times he wanted to try dating, but I always said no. He was a nice guy, but the weight was really unattractive. So now he is hot, and I really want to date him. Is there any way I can go for this without coming off as shallow?

A: I don’t believe so, no. That’s not to say you can’t give dating Jake a shot, or even that experiencing new romantic interest for someone based on his or her physical appearance makes you an irredeemably bad and self-centered person, just that there is no way to ask out Jake now while pretending it doesn’t have anything to do with his weight loss. It has everything to do with his weight loss, and you know that, and Jake will too. If you think he’s still interested, you can go for it—just be as prepared to hear “no” as you are to hear “yes.”

Q. I don’t wanna hold your hand: I have a problem with holding hands while praying before a meal. At this point, I’ve already washed my hands but don’t know if everyone else (especially children) has. I am not a germaphobe, but I find myself getting anxious about this and trying (unsuccessfully) to miss the prayer especially after being sick almost continuously from December through mid-February with one illness after the other. One friend’s family always folds arms. I have tried this, but the person next to me is sometimes persistent. How can I avoid colds and other viruses without offending family at the holidays?

A: In my experience, a friendly hand on someone’s (clothed) shoulder or arm is the generally-accepted germ-conscious alternative to clasping hands during prayer. You can also link arms with the person next to you, which avoids skin-to-skin contact without giving off the unintentionally churlish vibe folded arms might generate.

Q. Sister regularly forgets one child’s birthday: I have three children and two sisters who also have families. We regularly get presents for each other’s kids’ birthdays, but for the last two years, one of my sisters has forgotten my youngest’s birthday. No card, no note, no call, and no gift. I let it go last year, because we all forget sometimes, and my daughter was too young to know anyway, but it’s happened again this year. She still gets presents for my other two kids and has never mentioned anything about having forgotten my youngest. I’d prefer if she forgot all of them than just forget one! If I called her out on it, even in the gentlest way, she would gaslight me (which is her M.O. whenever someone questions her). My other two kids’ birthdays are coming up, and she’s already told me that she’s bought gifts for them. I don’t feel right, accepting them. What should I do?

A: Even if you’re 99 percent sure you can predict her response, bring it up with her first. In the unlikely event that she surprises you and apologizes, maybe you can offer to remind her a few weeks before your youngest’s birthday next year so she can get back on track. If she refuses to acknowledge reality or pretends she hasn’t been slighting your youngest, you can tell her that you don’t feel comfortable accepting gifts for two of your children and participating in the exclusion of the third, and ask her to donate the gifts she’s already purchased for charity or to pass them along to someone else. Kids notice these things, and it can be very painful to be ignored by a family member. Good for you for sticking up for your kid.

Q. Do I need to say something?: A few months ago, my girlfriend mentioned a friend of hers named “Tom” (an acquaintance of mine) was getting top surgery. I said something like “cool!” (because it is) and the conversation moved on. But the problem is that I didn’t know this guy was trans! We’ve become closer since then and while he’s been fairly casual about the topic recently, I’m still somewhat uncomfortable with how I first found out. I’m sure my girlfriend didn’t mean to out her friend to me (I believe she thought I already knew, or possibly her friend gave her the all-clear) but I worry that if he or I were less chill about the topic, this could’ve seriously hurt him. Is it fine to assume my girlfriend handled this information responsibly given that she knows him and his comfort levels better than I do? Should I tell the friend about it even though it was months ago and he’s clearly OK with me knowing? I wish I’d said something in the moment and certainly intend to if it ever happens again, but it feels like maybe this particular ship has sailed.

A: As a rule, I think in the absence of strong evidence to the contrary, I want to say you can assume your girlfriend acted in good faith and did not reveal any information to you that her friend would not want you to know, especially in light of the fact that Tom has apparently felt comfortable talking about it with you in the months since. That said, lots of well-meaning and otherwise polite cis people tend to go more than a little off the rails when it comes to trans people’s privacy. At present, I don’t think there’s a good reason for you to share your specific concerns about how your girlfriend told you with Tom because he already knows that you know he’s getting top surgery—you two have discussed it together. But you should double-check with your girlfriend that Tom had given her the clear to disclose this information to you. If she can reassure you that he had, all is well!

If she did speak out of turn to you (even though it all turned out well), or if you’re concerned that she might be discussing Tom’s private medical matters with other friends of hers, then I think you and your girlfriend should have a conversation about confidentiality, privacy, and safety. Even though Tom told her about his upcoming top surgery, it doesn’t necessarily follow that he has told everyone in his life or would want her friends and acquaintances to know either. He should be the person who gets to decide how much of his personal information gets shared and when. Unless you are given express contrary permission, let Tom handle the business of coming out to other people; there’s no reason for you to do it for him unless he asks you to. Both you and your girlfriend should be guided by that principle in the future whenever Tom comes up. It sounds like you’re already very much on board, and hopefully your girlfriend will be, too.

Q. Ford fiasco: I am shopping for a new car, and my (very smart) husband advised that Ford transmissions need replacing around 80,000 miles. My father is an executive who works with the automotive industry. I also asked him for advice and repeated my husband’s warning. My father disagreed and said my husband doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I explained his family owned several Fords over many years that my husband serviced. My father told me that his information was “decades old” and said my husband is “ignorant as hell.” My dad closed childishly, saying, “Oh, of course, I forgot—he’s right about everything!” I firmly told him that he was insulting my husband and he needed to adjust his attitude before he saw me. He did, and we had an otherwise pleasant day. My question: Should I have pursued the subject further? I’m worried I didn’t defend my husband enough. This is not the only time my dad has insulted my husband’s opinions on cars, politics, and pop culture.

A: Bearing in mind that I have no idea whether your husband’s advice was correct, I think your response to your father was terrific. Even if what your husband suggested was the stupidest thing that’s ever been said about a transmission in the history of combustion engines, there was no reason for your father to start rolling his eyes and calling your husband an idiot. You managed to stand up for your husband while remaining polite, a difficult trick to pull off; I think you handled the situation neatly.

Q. Re: My formerly fat best friend is so hot: Let me try this one: Everyone has standards. Yours include not dating people who are 100 pounds overweight. That’s probably pretty common, and there’s no getting around that. Some people may call it shallow. The best thing to do is let your behavior speak. Act interested. He’s not dumb; he knows how things change when someone loses 100 pounds. If he’s mad at you for liking him now but not when he was 100 pounds heavier, you’ll have to let it go. But it’s worth a shot.

A: That’s good to bear in mind! There’s a potentially big payoff—you two might very happy together—but it’s worth remembering that, if he does take offense at your newfound interest, it may damage the friendship you have as well.

Q. Patching things up: My dad has had some difficulty accepting that I (his adult son) am transgender. Things have been fraught since I came out, and he continues to use the wrong name and pronouns for me. Recently, though, he told me he’d like to be there for my gender confirmation surgery. I think this was his way of trying to make amends, but because it’s already going to be a stressful time for me (and considering earlier in the same phone call he asked whether I’m sure this is what I “really want”), I said I thought it might be better if we saw each other when I’d had time to recover. He was devastated, saying he just wanted to be there for me during a major operation; I tried to explain that I’d be well–looked after by the surgeon and nurses, but to no avail. I do love my dad, and I don’t want to hurt him, but I still don’t want him to come. Is there a gentler way I can articulate this or an apology I can make that doesn’t require me to invite him? Or should I just let him come so I don’t damage our relationship even further?

A: Definitely don’t let your dad come stay with you out of a misguided sense of guilt. He’s trying to make up for his previous lack of support by going way too far in the other direction, way too quickly. Unless he’s a qualified nurse, I don’t think he’s going to be much help to you in your immediate recovery, and since you two are still fighting to develop a healthy adult relationship, having him around and caring for you during a particularly vulnerable time is likely to be more stressful for you than otherwise. If you’re having trouble articulating this in a way that doesn’t sound like a flat rejection, try putting it this way: “Dad, I’d love to see you, and I really appreciate your support, but I would so much rather spend time together when I’m not doped up on pain medication and can actually remember the conversations we have. I’ve got a great medical support team who are going to make sure I’m well–taken care of after surgery, but the next couple of weeks after are going to be a blur.”

It’s good that he’s attempting to connect with you even if he’s doing so clumsily, and it sounds like you want to meet him halfway. What if you could schedule a time for him to visit a few weeks or months out from your surgery date? Pick a time when you’ll be relatively mobile and self-sufficient, and keep it to just a weekend or a few days so you don’t get overwhelmed. Ideally, he’ll buck up, and you two can spend some quality time together. If he continues to press for more than you’re willing to give or tries to make you feel guilty for not letting him move in as a full-time amateur caretaker after your surgery, then I think you should hold firm and tell him “no” altogether. It will not improve your relationship if he continues to bulldoze you. You’re an adult now, and one of the most difficult aspects of developing an adult relationship with one’s parents is realizing one isn’t responsible for how they feel. His request is not a reasonable one, and if he’s hurt when you draw a reasonable boundary, then he can, and should, take the opportunity to reset his expectations and respect your limits. I wish you the absolute best of luck with your surgery and for (slowly) trying to establish a new relationship with your father after you’ve recovered.

Q. Re: My formerly fat best friend is so hot: As someone who has been on the receiving end of this: NO! Because you are being shallow. After my major weight loss, my ex let me know that he regretted leaving me and he was seeing me “in a new light.” No matter how much charm and wallowing he exhibited, nothing could take away the obvious fact that he was only into me because I lost weight. Everything he said rung hollow. But I give you credit for admitting your shallowness. You know why you can’t do this? Because life and his pants size aren’t guarantees. You don’t know what he’s going to look like in five to 10 years. Do you plan on ditching him if the weight goes back on? What about your attraction then?

A: This very much bears thinking about before deciding whether to tell your friend you can now reciprocate his feelings. Ask yourself these questions and try to figure out your own answers before moving forward.

Q. Inheritance: Fifteen years ago, my husband and I sold land we owned to a developer for a pretty penny and gave each of four children more than $150,000 each. We told them this was their inheritance and not to expect anything in our will beyond personal items. If there is any money left in our estate after we pass, it will be going to our favorite charities. We asked our financial planner to meet and discuss options with our children, and our daughter “Dora” declined. She and her husband bought expensive cars, took fancy trips, and did not bother to save a penny for their children’s education. We have been contributing to an education fund for each of our grandchildren, but due a hit in the market, there is only around $7,000 for each of them. We have three grandchildren graduating high school this year; only Dora’s daughter will have to take out loans for her education. Dora is upset and wants us to give the collective education fund to her daughter “to be fair.” Her comments have sparked a war with her siblings. Dora is not destitute. My granddaughter is not going to starve in the streets, but she will be going to community college while her cousins go to the universities of their dreams across the country. Dora acts very bitter and refuses to acknowledge any responsibility on her and her husband’s part. It is causing a huge rift, one that my husband and I though we avoided. My husband wants to stand firm and ignore this. I agree with him but it pains me to see my granddaughter pay the price. She is a wonderful girl, and we are very proud of her. Should I do anything? Can I do anything?

A: You can, if you feel so inclined and to do so would not be a financial hardship, pay some of Dora’s daughter’s tuition directly, bypassing her parents entirely. There’s a case to be made for that, especially considering that your granddaughter is in no way responsible for her parents’ reckless behavior. If you decide to do so, however, you should by no means entertain Dora’s ridiculous suggestion that you take away from the collective education fund for your other grandchildren. That money is theirs, and she has no right to suggest you take it away just because she declined to take careful advantage of your generous gift 15 years ago. Remember, too, that if you hold with your husband and stand firm, nothing disastrous is going to happen. You gave Dora a lot of money 15 years ago, have always clearly communicated how much money she could expect from you and when, and Dora’s daughter is already taking steps to minimize her student loan debt by starting at community college. If you decline to send more money her way, she may not have it as easy as some of her cousins, but she’s not going to flounder and perish. Community colleges are a great option, and she sounds like a resourceful kid—unlike her mother.

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Help! I Told My Mom About My Depression. Now She’s Having a Breakdown.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 22 May 2017 18:51:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. No right answer!: I have been diagnosed with severe depression and have taken a leave of absence from work. I decided not to tell my parents because they live on the other side of the world and worry too much. However, I just spent two weeks with them on a holiday that had been booked a long time ago. It was very difficult for me, and they could tell something was wrong, so I confided in them but reassured them I was getting the help I needed.

The problem is my mother is incredibly sensitive and has no sense of boundaries. Since then she has done nothing but hassle me, worrying about things like what they think at work (they’re great), what caused it (nothing), and how stressed she is about it. I end up reassuring her every single day, and it is having a huge impact on my recovery. I’ve explained that it’s OK to feel worried but encouraged her to talk about it with my dad or someone else. It falls on deaf ears. Help!

A: “Mom, I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself, but I’m not going to be able to take care of you too while you’re having a breakdown of your own. I’m happy to check in with you once in a while, but I’m not going to be able to answer all of your calls or reassure you when you’re panicking. I hope you can find someone else to talk to about this, because it sounds like you would benefit from seeing a therapist, too.” Let some of her calls go to voice mail. Let a lot of her calls go to voice mail. Pick a scheduled weekly (or biweekly) date and let her know you’ll call her then. In between those days, don’t answer her calls.

You may not be able to convince her that she needs to find someone else to speak to about it, but you can stop being constantly available to her. That much is in your control. More than that, it’s necessary for you to focus on your own well-being.

Q. Apartment dog etiquette: I live in the second floor of an apartment building, and I recently got a dog to help with my anxiety. The dog is sweet, well-tempered, and loved by everyone who meets him. The problem is that he has separation anxiety and barks and chews the door, sheets, and kennel anytime when I leave for work at 5:30 a.m. I have done my best to explain to my neighbors that I am getting him treated and will rehome him if necessary. Everyone say it’s not a problem except my downstairs neighbor. I’ve talked to him before, and he was civil and polite, if a bit nonunderstanding of what separation anxiety is, but nothing terrible.

Until the other day. I had just got home from work and was driving the dog to the park. The neighbor came up to my car and asked for a chat. I told him I couldn’t and gave some excuse, but he bulldozed over me and said it would just take a minute. A few minutes later, I repeated I was doing what I could to get my dog treated and apologized for the barking. He proceeded to yell at me about being woken up and accused me of not being able to take care of a dog. I was so angry and upset. Rather than scream back, I excused myself and drove away. He was still shouting at my car as I left!

I understand he was frustrated about being woken up early, but did he have the right to treat me that way? I’ve been trying everything to fix the dog’s issues. I grew up with dogs, so it’s not like dealing with them is new for me. Should I have handled the situation differently? Should I have yelled back?

A: Getting yelled at is always unpleasant, but I think you should, for now at least, separate the tone of your neighbor’s criticism from its content. If your dog is whining and barking and destroying furniture every day when you leave for work (and presumably continuing to express his distress for quite some time afterward), then this is a bad situation for your dog as well as the people in your building. You say you’re getting the dog treated, but if this is ongoing, then whatever treatment you’re pursuing does not appear to be working. If your dog is waking your neighbor up at 5:30 a.m. on a regular basis, then your neighbor has every right to complain and ask you to find a better solution. The way he chose to speak to you about it was over-the-top rude and uncalled for, but that doesn’t make him wrong, and it doesn’t mean you should yell back at him.

If you’re able to, consider hiring a trainer or a dog-walker who can come by as you’re leaving for work and spend time with your dog during his times of greatest stress. Talk to your vet about possible options, including medication, for minimizing his separation anxiety. Consider too, whether having a dog with separation anxiety is the best choice to help you with your anxiety. If you don’t feel confident that you can come up with a plan that will seriously reduce or end this daily sturm und drang, then I think you should seriously consider rehoming him. This isn’t just a noise issue; it’s also a matter of quality of life for your dog.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 22 May 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

What Are Friends For?

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 18 May 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
I made a long-distance friend a year ago who is very unstable. He seemed normal at first, but as the time went on, he grew more abusive, and later admitted he suffers from untreated anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I myself have anxiety, so I try not to judge, and originally I just figured his abuse wasn’t too much of a problem because he lives far away and we don’t talk that often. However, he has started sending me long texts telling me why I’m a terrible person, even though I’m his only remaining friend. He also harasses his family members and was recently uninvited to his sister’s wedding. I’ve tried to explain to him how his behavior hurts me, but he dismisses me as being “dramatic.” Negotiating is not an option. I know cutting this guy out of my life is a no-brainer, but he’s threatening to blackmail me online. The good news is he doesn’t have any evidence of wrongdoing on my part, but I have told him some of my more embarrassing personal stories, and I fear that he will attempt to slander me in public. He doesn’t know where I live, and I have him blocked on Facebook, but he has managed to track down some of my real friends, and I fear he will harass them, too. He also threatened to make fake dating profiles of me and give my number to strangers and sure enough, today I got a message from an OkCupid member. Did I mention I don’t have an account? Prudie, please help! I know this is a toxic friendship, but the fear of public humiliation is a big one for me. Do I stay friends with this monster and keep the peace? Or should I rock the boat in an attempt to finally free myself from him?

—Keep Friend Close?

Even if you did stay in contact with this man, his behavior suggests that he is likely to try to humiliate or harass you in some form regardless, because he is unpredictable and vindictive. Please stop considering him your friend. I don’t think maintaining contact would protect you from his ire; sooner or later you will inevitably run afoul of his constantly bad graces. But I think you don’t have to worry that anyone who knows and loves you would take this man’s word about your character. To some extent all of us live in fear of being found out and “exposed” as a terrible person, so I understand your paranoia, but surely any reasonable person who heard this man slander you would realize they were listening to someone delusional and cruel.

What you should do to protect yourself is this: Tell your friends that there is a disturbed and volatile man who is seeking to hurt you, and that they should under no circumstances give him any information as to your whereabouts. Speak to your former friend one last time, but only to tell him never to contact you again, and that you will not respond to any future attempts at communication. You may want to consider changing your number, which I realize is a not-insignificant hassle in this day and age, but may be worth it if you think he’s going to start giving it out to other people. The same goes for using a different primary email address, if he has been using your current one to set up accounts under your name (the risk with closing the account is that he may take it over). You should have recourse with sites like OkCupid by complaining that someone is impersonating you. But in any case, start logging his messages and keeping a written record—if he continues to harass you, you may need it if you go to the police. Laws about what constitutes criminal online harassment vary, and you might not find police action to be especially helpful, but it is an option you should consider, if only for some point in the future. Of course the idea of someone who knows you well turning on you and trying to humiliate you publicly is terrifying, but giving in to his demands for attention will not keep you safe from his wrath. The thing that scares you the most—telling the other people in your life about this man’s targeted harassment—will be, in fact, the thing that helps you.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My roommate is a fabulous person with one pretty obnoxious flaw: She gives the worst apologies. Like all of us, she occasionally does stupid or thoughtless things, but the problem is that whenever she apologizes she feels the need to offer a dozen excuses for what she did. It feels compulsive—half the time these excuses simply aren’t true. She doesn’t lie under other circumstances, only while apologizing; usually for grievances so minor that I’ve already forgiven them. I’m not especially upset about these occasional slip-ups, but these lies leave me angrier than I was before!

My current solution to the problem is to tell her that I forgive her and that whatever happened wasn’t a big deal, but then also point out that the excuse(s) she’s given aren’t true. This strategy leaves her feeling awful, and it doesn’t shake off my annoyance at being lied to needlessly by someone I love. Is there a better way to handle this situation?

—Endless Excuses

Your current solution is a fairly good one. It’s unfortunate that your roommate feels bad, but she has the power to amend her behavior once she decides she’d like to feel better. If it helps, in the moment, when she’s offering an addendum to her latest apology, you can stop her before she really gets going and say, “I appreciate your apology. I don’t need you to offer an explanation—we all make mistakes, and I’d rather just move past it.” If it still doesn’t get any better, you might have a bigger-picture conversation about why she feels so motivated to offer an excuse—any excuse—for the kind of garden-variety apology most of us make a few times a week without overthinking. She may appreciate the help figuring out what’s driving her, what she’s afraid of, and what things might look like if she tried another strategy. But if she’s unwilling or unable for the introspection even that would demand, stick with the polite interruption.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I was pretty badly bullied in high school for my appearance and being two years younger than everyone else. In college I started lifting weights, “blossomed” into my looks and life got much better. But the emotional scars remained. Earlier this year I started a new job and discovered the administrative assistant for my group was one of my bullies from high school. I know she recognized me because she made a joke about how much I’d changed and said we had to “catch up sometime.” I was cold but polite for the sake of our professional relationship, but she must have mistaken it for forgiveness, because last week at a work happy hour, she apologized again that “everyone” was so rough on me in high school—then she hit on me.

I was so infuriated that I ended up being very cruel and mocked her until she left in tears. It turns out revenge doesn’t feel so good after all, and I’ve been avoiding her entirely. I’m afraid my boss is going to start asking why I’m wasting time on things the admin should be doing. Still I don’t feel like apologizing to her, because what kind of jerk hits on someone they used to treat like dirt? Should I tell my boss what happened? I know he values me highly, so he might be willing to let me work with his administrative assistant, but I’m afraid that might come off as childish.

—Did I Bully My Bully?

I don’t want to rub your face in what might have been, but you could absolutely have brought this issue up with your boss before the incident occurred. Had you told him it would be difficult for you to work with your former high school bully, he might have been able to set you up with his own administrative assistant before things got to the breaking point. Now you have two issues: One is whether or not you will be able to work with a person who treated you terribly all through high school. The other is how to apologize to a co-worker you reduced to tears in public. The former has, I’m afraid, absolutely nothing to do with the latter. You had the right to refuse her come-on, you had the right to tell her that she made your life very difficult as a teenager and that you were not interested in developing any sort of after-work friendship with her, but whatever your residual feelings toward her, you should have been able to restrain from berating her in front of your colleagues until she fled the room crying. I don’t doubt it was painful to be picked on as a teenager, but you’re a professional adult and this can’t be how you handle personal issues with co-workers.

So the first thing you have to do, I’m afraid, is apologize to her. You can keep it brief, but you need to apologize for behaving cruelly and mocking her in public. Don’t mention the fact that she bullied you in high school—good apologies don’t include justifications or explanations (as we’ve just seen), but focus on the relevant behavior and offer to make good. Tell her what you said was inappropriate, that you’re sorry, and that you won’t do it again. You don’t have to be her friend or beat yourself up, but you absolutely do need to say you’re sorry, then drop the subject and leave her alone unless you have something work-related to discuss. If you’re both willing and able to move ahead and treat each other like disinterested colleagues, so much the better. If you (or she) can’t—if the history between you two is just too tangled and painful—then you should talk to your boss and ask for his help finding alternate arrangements, even if it feels embarrassing to ask for help. It’s already fairly apparent that you two are having difficulty interacting with one another, so the time to worry about what the situation looks like has passed.

* * *

Dear Prudence: I Think I Love My Cat More Than My Wife

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Dear Prudence,
My best friend of more than 15 years lives in a different state. She’s been struggling with mental health issues over the past six months or so and has been hospitalized several times. She says she doesn’t want to talk about what’s happening, and I’ve been completely respectful of that while also reminding her I will support her no matter what. However, I do worry when I don’t hear back from her. This week, she didn’t text back when I asked how she was doing. I told myself to just relax and give her some space, but then I found out she had been admitted to the hospital again. I had no idea. I want to be there for her, but she wants to be left alone. I feel like a bad friend because I’m not helping her through this struggle. I also feel like our friendship may not be as real or close as I thought it was since she doesn’t want my help. What should I do?

—Left in the Dark

While it may feel painful at present, please try to remind yourself that you are actually giving your friend what she has asked for when you give her space. It may not feel good to you, but she is in the middle of a crisis right now, one that may very often inhibit her from behaving the way she would ordinarily wish toward a friend. At present she is doing her very best to stay alive, and keeping people (even people she loves) frequently updated on her status may be well beyond what she’s capable of. If her mental health issues are serious enough to merit repeated hospitalization, then that doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you if she doesn’t respond to your texts or calls right away. It means that she’s in the middle of an ongoing emergency, perhaps with no end in sight, and is unable to do anything other than mental triage. You can offer periodic (not overwhelming) messages of support and reminders that you’re available if and whenever she wants to talk, but if what your friend needs from you right now is some space, and you give her that space, then you are helping her. If there is a mutual friend or family member who lives closer to your friend who is able and willing to provide occasional updates on her health, you might consider connecting with them so you can help one another to support her, but in the meantime, follow her lead.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My fiancée and I are getting married this summer, and we’ve been excitedly checking the mailbox for RSVP cards over the last few weeks. While we’re ecstatic that so many will be able to join us in celebration, I admit I’m a little offended that almost none of my family members will be in attendance outside of my parents and grandparents. Only 20 percent or so have even responded at all. There is no family strife that I’m aware of, and I feel like I have a happy, cordial relationship with all of them—I’ve attended many of their weddings, in fact. It’s also not a destination wedding or an extravagant affair, so cost doesn’t feel like a factor for a generally middle-class family like ours. There may be something going on behind the scenes that I’m unaware of, but even still, this feels very disrespectful to my soon-to-be-wife and me. Should I be offended that so little family will be in attendance, or should I not feel entitled to a certain level of family representation? Is this behavior normal? Am I overreacting? How should I respond to this sort of thing, if at all?

—Waiting on RSVPs

Call them! It is completely appropriate to make a follow-up call to people whose presence would be meaningful at your wedding. Just last week I received a friendly reminder to RSVP to a wedding—and this was the first I’d heard about it, because I’d never received my invitation. It’s not likely that every single family member lost their card in the mail, but you can absolutely send a friendly check-in or even call to stress how much you hope to see them there. Some of them may have received their invitations, have every intention of attending, and completely forgot to RSVP. It happens! You don’t have to worry about overreacting until you’ve checked in with everyone. Just be prepared to offer a cheerful, “We’ll miss you! Hope we can get together and celebrate another time,” if they give their regrets.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m a thirtysomething woman who works in a bustling downtown area of a major city. On a recent lunch break, I took a short walk down a busy thoroughfare and I accidentally bumped into a man walking beside me. I apologized and kept walking. As I paused at the next stoplight, this man (who looked to be in his 60s) asked me where I was headed. I said, “Work,” smiled politely, and hoped to end our conversation there. But he persisted, asking me where I worked (A store? A restaurant? No, and no.). He seemed perfectly nice, and spoke slowly; I think English was not his first language. He asked if I spoke Spanish, I smiled and said, “No, I took French in high school,” and then looked into the distance to encourage an end to our conversation. I was uncomfortable, and I am sure it was visually apparent. The light turned green, and I walked away quickly.

On the one hand, I can’t help but feel I was terribly rude when this fellow was only attempting to engage with me in harmless chatter. I’m a fairly introverted individual, and I honestly detest making small talk with strangers—be it a fellow on the street or a teller at my local bank. On the other hand, I believe that often men make demands on strange women’s attentions and ask invasive questions. What do you think? Should I have been kinder to this gentleman, who in the bright light of day, on the busiest boulevard in my city, posed me no risk?

—Zipped Lips

You just described a perfectly polite conversation. By your own account, you smiled repeatedly, spoke civilly, and continued on your way back to work. Do not beat yourself up for answering a stranger’s questions in a honest but perfunctory manner. There is nothing rude about saying “work” when asked where one is going; there is nothing rude about neglecting to lay bare your soul to a stranger who is making banal conversation. This was an entirely successful social interaction.

It is true that sometimes having an unexpected talk with a stranger can be delightful. It is also true that men often behave inappropriately toward women in public, and one cannot always tell the man who will let a conversation come to a natural close from the man who suddenly says, “Oh, so you’re too good to talk to me?” and become abusive. The bottom line is that you do not owe strangers conversation even if they address you politely, but in this instance you decided to. In this instance, it worked out quite well, and you did nothing wrong. If in the future someone you do not know asks you where you are going, you do not owe them an answer if you do not care to give one, no matter whether or not you bumped into them earlier. (Asking a stranger where she is going, in fact, falls closer on the socially inappropriate side of conversation than “nice day, isn’t it?”) Apologizing for having bumped into him, does not mean you were obligated to engage in chitchat.

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Nasty Habit

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 16 May 2017 12:30:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. (Don’t) talk dirty to me: My husband is a smart, nice, funny guy. We have the same taste in movies, books, and music and have similar political views. We’re less compatible in the bedroom, though our sex life was generally adequate. One issue was that he was raised as a bit of a prude and was always dead silent during the act. In an effort to spice things up, I asked him to talk dirty to me. After a lot of cajoling and encouragement, he finally agreed to try it and was much pleased with the results. Unfortunately, this apparently opened a floodgate because now … He. Won’t. Shut. Up. We cannot have a single conversation, not one, in which he doesn’t add some sexual comment in the crudest possible terms. Yes, I like dirty talk, but not when we’re discussing who’s going to drive his elderly mother to the doctor to get a mole removed. Worse, he’s starting to do it in public. For example, we were at dinner the other evening with his mother and my parents and sister. He leaned over to me and whispered loudly, “If you were wearing a skirt, I’d diddle you under the table” (followed by a graphic description of said diddling). Then he sat there leering at me, oblivious to the stunned, embarrassed silence from everyone at the table. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve nicely asked him to confine it to the bedroom. I’ve asked him not so nicely. I’ve hinted. I’ve been blunt. It’s gotten worse. Now I can’t even say “good morning” without getting a long, rambling, B-porn-movie description of highly specific sex acts. I’m annoyed to the point that our sex life has all but come to a standstill. He hasn’t even noticed, and keeps talking. What can I do to get him to rein it in?

A: If you have already repeatedly said to your husband, “Please stop talking dirty to me in public” politely, and then “Cut it out, I’m embarrassed and turned off” less politely, the problem is not that you have failed to effectively communicate your boundaries to your husband. The problem is that your husband does not care that his dirty talk embarrasses or alienates you to the point of no longer wanting to have sex with him. Ask him: “I’ve told you more than once that I don’t like it when you try to talk dirty out of the bedroom or when we’re in front of other people, and you haven’t stopped. It’s tedious, distressing, and it’s constant. It’s become such a turnoff that we’ve stopped having sex altogether, and you’re still not stopping. Can you explain to me why that is?” If you have that conversation and he still doesn’t knock it off, then I think it’s time to start leaving the room when he reverts into Sexy Narration mode.

Q. Wedding faux pas?: I recently attended a wedding of one of my husband’s college friends. He’s not someone that we see often, but we encounter him and his bride two or three times a year at parties, are friends on Facebook, etc. Anyways, I wore a blue dress to the ceremony, and it turns out that the bride’s wedding colors were royal blue. Her bridesmaids wore the color, the close family wore the color. I had no idea. Other than a wedding invitation, we never had any contact with them prior to the event since a summer BBQ where dress codes were not discussed. It seems that she casually told some of her friends not to wear blue, and I didn’t get the message. She was apparently horrified that I had worn “her color.” Another woman also wore blue and got the same treatment.

At the start of the reception, she stomped over and said very loudly that she couldn’t believe I had worn her color. It was really embarrassing, but it was her wedding day so I apologized, said that I had no idea and that the whole day was beautiful. She stomped off in a huff, and eventually her husband came over and said that she was really upset and that seeing my dress was detracting from her having fun. He wanted to know whether I could change. A friend loaned me a long black sweater and I put it on over the dress. Later, the bride pointed me out (while using a microphone) and said “she’s not invited.” Later in the night, she came up to me AGAIN to tell me how this had shattered her day. At this point, my patience was wearing a little thin. We said our goodbyes. This morning, I woke up to being tagged in a rant about guest etiquette on Facebook and an email from the groom asking me to apologize again. I responded, copying his wife, reiterating my original message in a bland way (sorry, I didn’t know. I appreciated them letting me know and hopefully wearing the world’s largest sweater had mitigated it. It was a lovely day. Have a nice life). This woman has gone from generically fine to totally unhinged in my book. We’re going to see them again at a BBQ in about a month (it’s at our house, otherwise I’d skip it). I’m wondering how to handle this situation, especially since I just got a call from a mutual friend saying that she called her sobbing about how this had really cast a pall over her day. At this point, I don’t want to fuel the fire or ever engage again, but I’m stumped—because she seems excited to have a dead horse to beat.

A: Good Lord, this woman is grimly determined to be personally victimized by the color blue. It’s a little trickier to keep your distance as hosts than it would be as mere guests, but at least you always have the excuse of needing to check on the grill/cooler/new arrivals if you need to quickly escape her conversation. And, of course, if she or her husband try to drag up your mortal blue sin again, you can generically and cheerfully change the subject, excuse yourself, and make a mental note to disinvite these cranks from all future barbecues, cookouts, get-togethers, clambakes, and/or hootenannies. Do not apologize again, and do not entertain their future complaints. And, for your own sanity, mute or unfriend them on Facebook. Let all future rants about dress codes pass by you as th’idle wind, which you respect not.

Q. Girlfriend’s pets: How do I talk to my girlfriend about her cleanliness habits specifically having to do with her pets? She’s normally tidy and clean in all other respects but has a huge blind spot when it comes to her pets. She lets her cats on the kitchen counter, puts their food and water up there, and never cleans up the hair or crumbs. If we were moving in together, I wouldn’t have a problem telling her what I need to feel comfortable and clean. But that’s far off, so I’m unsure if I can tell her how to keep her own house. It makes me feel hugely uncomfortable when I come over. Cat hair everywhere. She never sweeps or picks up the dog and cat poop in the backyard. I feel like I have nowhere to feel comfortable when I’m there. But I love her! So what do I do?

A: You tell her exactly what you just told me—that the dog and cat hair situation in her house is out of control, that her backyard is riddled with animal waste and hazardous to walk through, that feeding animals on the same surface you prepare your own food is unhygienic, that this is an unusual lapse in cleanliness for her, and that it makes you not want to spend time in her home. You don’t have to wait until you move in together to bring this up, if you feel uncomfortable in her house right now, then it’s an issue. You say you love this woman, so kindly and honestly bring this issue to her attention. Part of loving someone involves knowing when and how to bring constructive criticism to their attention, and this situation definitely qualifies.

Q. Meet the kids: My partner and I (mid-30s) have been together for just under a year and he’s wonderful. I feel secure in our relationship with one exception. He has two children from a previous relationship, ages 6 and 10. They live with their mother (his relationship with her is still tense, though they’ve been apart for three years), and he sees them regularly and is very proud of them. This is the first time I’ve dated a parent and I want to handle it well, so I told him a couple of months ago that I feel ready to meet them and left it there. He seemed happy when I said it. However, I’ve yet to meet them and at this point they don’t even know about me. He does things like hide my toothbrush at his house so they don’t ask about it. Friends ask me if I’ve met them and seem startled when I say no. I don’t want to be pushy, but I’m starting to wonder if it means he doesn’t see us lasting—or if it’s something to do with their mother. Should I ask why, or just tell everyone to butt out?

A: It’s great that your boyfriend is erring on the side of caution when it comes to introducing new partners to his young kids, but it’s also fine for you to ask to meet them and, at the same time, whether or not he sees your relationship as having sufficient long-term potential to merit getting to know the rest of his family. You don’t say that your friends are relentless hounding you about why you haven’t met the kids yet, just that they seemed surprised that you hadn’t. If they press the issue, feel free to tell them you’d rather not discuss your boyfriend’s children with them, but I don’t think they’ve reached a point where you would need to tell them to butt out. It might reassure him to know that you are not looking to becoming an instant stepparent, merely that you think it’s time to stop hiding your toothbrush and maybe joining him and the kids for lunch sometime.

Q. Re: Wedding faux pas?: Pleeeeeease, pleeeeeease wear blue to your BBQ, and follow up to let us know what happens!

A: That would be delightfully petty and I too would love to hear a follow-up. OP, you probably shouldn’t stoke the flames of this ridiculous couple’s ire, but it’s a wonderful mental image.

Q. Re: Wedding faux pas?: FFS, this woman is an unhinged nightmare! The OP should not give one more inch of an apology. If Bethilda the Bride shows up at the OP’s house for a BBQ and continues with this behavior, I’d recommend she firmly tell them both to leave. She doesn’t need to make excuses to check on incoming guests or food/drink in her own home to avoid this kind of nonsense.

A: For what it’s worth, there are quite a few responses recommending the OP officially uninvite the couple in question. I agree that, if nothing else, the OP should be prepared to ask them to drop the subject or leave the party at this point.

Q. Big little lies: My friend, “Chrysanthemum,” from college, moved to my new town. We reconnected and I introduced her to my friends here. But then things took a weird turn—she got weirdly distant, and she apparently had a problem with me but would only talk to our now-mutual friends about it, and not me. I took this to mean that she was no longer interested in my friendship, and have moved on. All of a sudden, she has started texting me again, claiming that she’s been physically ill and hasn’t been up to hanging out with anyone. Now that she’s well, she can’t wait to get together and hang out. Not only am I confused, I am also positive that she has been well enough these last few months to go out frequently with our mutual friends—they’ve shared fun stories of their times together, they post constantly on social media pictures of them at various activities, I’ve even run into her at local restaurants out with our friends. I hold no ill will toward Chrysanthemum, but I also am wary of reconnecting and accepting this “illness” excuse. I don’t want to create drama with her because it would hurt our friend group, but I am so uncomfortable blowing off this oddly blatant lie. Any thoughts?

A: I am never quite sure whether a stated desire to “not create drama” means anything more than garden-variety conflict avoidance. In this case I don’t know that conflict avoidance is an especially desirable outcome! You don’t wish to re-establish a friendship with Chrysanthemum, believe her to have spoken critically of you to others, and don’t trust the reason she’s giving you now to explain her past behavior. Those are good reasons not to renew contact with her. If what’s most important to you is avoiding a direct conversation that might spill over into your other friendships, then be polite but distant when you run into one another and always be vaguely busy when she suggests you get together.

If you’d rather go full Regency-era Wearing the Mask of Politeness, you can pretend to accept her patently untrue illness excuse to preserve the peace, then continue to keep her at arm’s length and assume she’ll probably vanish again at some point.

If some part of you is willing to hear her explanation, you might say, “I noticed you got distant a while back, and I wondered what was going on. I feel a little uncomfortable saying this, but I heard from mutual friends that the reason for your absence was that you had a problem with something I said or did. I’d rather hear that directly from you, and I hope you know that you can come to me if I’ve done something that upsets you.” She might deny anything of the sort, of course, at which point you can smile, decline to press the issue, and return to Options 1 or 2. Or, if she’s willing to be honest, you two might be able to figure out what sort of a friendship, if at all, is possible between the two of you.

Q. Honesty or freebies?: I have always been a very honest person, never shoplifted, never stole, corrected cashiers when they give me too much change, gone back into a store to pay for items we missed in the checkout, etc. Don’t ask me to lie, omit, or even evade for you; I just can’t do it! (My siblings were/are kleptos and compulsive liars. I hated it.) I have always instilled this in my kids and other than the typical teen fibs about homework and cleaning their rooms, I am proud of their honesty. For X-mas—I gifted my 16-year-old son with a subscription box for three months. He was thrilled and looked forward to them every month. I planned to order him one every quarter after the three months, since they were pricey. Then, he received an email letting him know his fourth box was on its way. We checked his account—we never entered a billing option … so we shrugged it off as a fluke. Then his fifth box came. I don’t know if someone on the company side processed his three-month as a six- or even 12-month gift subscription. Part of me is happy he’s getting all this extra stuff to try—but at the same time the honest part of me is cringing and wondering if and when I contact the company to alert them to this error. I am aware my kids are watching me and taking their cues from me, so do I sacrifice the free boxes to set an example (and possibly have to pay for the two to three extra boxes that came already)? Or let it be?

A: Contact the company! You feel guilty and self-conscious and like you’re setting a bad example for your kids, which is an excellent reason to get in touch and correct the error. Since the mistake wasn’t yours, it’s not terribly likely the company will charge you for the extra boxes they sent you in error, but even if they do, you’d been planning on buying your son another two or three over the course of the rest of the year, so if worst comes to worst, all you’ve done is get them to him a little early. You don’t have much to lose but a great deal of peace of mind to regain.

Q. Family wedding drama: I’m a 25-year-old woman, getting married soon. Ten years ago, I was a very well-behaved, studious 15-year-old and was left out of an aunt’s wedding because of a “no children” rule. My fiancé and I are having a small, intimate ceremony on a Friday evening with only his best man and my maid-of-honor as witnesses, going out to a nice restaurant as a foursome for dinner, then doing a huge backyard barbecue the next day (Saturday) as a reception for everyone else. Everyone’s invited, even the aunt who excluded me from her wedding. Said aunt is throwing a fit for not being invited to the ceremony. I tried to explain that we wanted the ceremony to be small and quiet, and that she was invited to the barbecue reception, but apparently that wasn’t good enough. When I pointed out that she deliberately excluded me from her wedding, she called me disrespectful and stormed out of my mother’s house. Now she’s no longer speaking to me or my mother. Thankfully, my mother stood up for me. The problem is that now my aunt is badmouthing me to our entire extended family, and a few have taken her side. I know there’s something I should be doing, but I have absolutely no idea how to handle this. Did I do something wrong by not having a big ceremony? Did I do something wrong by pointing out to my incensed aunt that she was complaining about being excluded, when she did the same to me for her wedding?

A: The worst I’m willing to convict you of is referencing your own exclusion from your aunt’s wedding a decade ago as justification for your small ceremony now. That wasn’t necessary—you could, and should, have confined yourself to saying, “We’re only having two witnesses at the ceremony; everyone is coming over afterward to celebrate and we’d love to see you there.” That said, your sin was venial at best, whereas your aunt’s behavior is churlish and wildly out of proportion. You certainly don’t owe her an apology for not inviting her to a ceremony so small your own parents aren’t even attending. If she decides to complain to the rest of the family, that’s her affair; if anyone else tries to give you a hard time about having a small wedding, feel free to dismiss their opinions as wildly irrelevant. It may feel like you “have to” do something because your aunt is so angry, but you actually don’t have to do a damn thing. She is choosing to be offended of her own free will. You haven’t actually slighted her. In the future, don’t use her old wedding-guest policy as justification for your own—you have every right to have a small wedding, and don’t need to apologize for it or change it.

Q. Ready to move, but teen is not: My husband and I are ready to move away from the overpriced city we have called home for 16 years. The problem is our teenage daughter. She is adamant that she wants to stay and finish out high school with her “friends” (she has two years left). This would be perfectly understandable except for one thing: She never sees any of her friends—not on weekends and not after school. All of her relationships are conducted 100 percent online—no movies, no parties, no dinners out. Ever. My family is in a serious rut here (our son is struggling), and we are ready for a major change. It makes me crazy that she wants us to stay here for two years while she texts people she could text from anywhere. What say you?

A: You can take your children’s feelings into account when you decide whether or not to move, but that doesn’t mean they should dictate your actions. You can certainly take the opportunity to ask your daughter some questions. Frame it a little more gently than “you don’t seem to have any IRL friends; you can text from your bedroom just as easily in Sandwich, Illinois, as you could in Gotham City,” obviously, but try to find out what friends or social circles are in your city that she’d miss particularly. You may learn something about your daughter you didn’t before! But if, ultimately, you think the best financial choice is for your family to move, then I think you should do so.

Q. Re: Honesty or freebies?: Why does box mom think she’s not going to be charged for these boxes outright? Isn’t that how these things usually go—they’re counting on you not to cancel in time so they can send you subsequent shipments of meals/snacks/bill you for the next month of streaming/whatever. The company already has their billing info, so I suspect this might work itself out even if she doesn’t say anything.

A: The LW said they specifically never entered billing information, so it doesn’t sound like the old strategy of “the first three shipments are free, but give us your credit card information anyways so we can start charging you unless you select the impossible-to-find cancel option.” I think it’s a genuine error on the company’s part.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! May all of your wedding colors be “emotional stability” and “restraint of tongue and pen.” See you next week.

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Fake It to Make It

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 15 May 2017 19:04:25 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: “I’m not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare who says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.” Friends, it’s getting to be wedding season, and today’s batch of questions reflects that. I’ll try to keep the day-of etiquette to a minimum, but there’s no way around it. The only way out is through.

Q. Pants on fire: My best friend works in a job that she is grossly overqualified for but that pays better than most entry-level positions in her field. It was meant to be temporary, but she’s been there for almost a decade now and is itching to move on. I was thrilled to hear this but alarmed at how she plans on doing it. Apparently, another friend of hers successfully faked her entire résumé and now works full-time in her dream job without anyone ever having noticed. I managed to wrangle her an interview for a job in her field—at her request—but when she heard it was entry-level (i.e. her level), she decided not to go. She seriously believes that she’ll be offered a higher-level position within a few weeks; i.e. as soon as the fake résumé is complete. I want the best for my best friend, and I don’t want to kick her while she’s down, but this makes me really uneasy. What do I do?

A: Encourage her not to fake her résumé. This strategy of “my friend claims to have gotten away with fabricating a career’s worth of experience wholesale so far, so I will too” is almost certain to fail in the long run. Point out that even the most cursory background check could result in the withdrawal of any future job offers, not to mention the ruination of her professional reputation. This isn’t just an unethical strategy, it’s one that is almost guaranteed to fail over time. Since she’s no longer going to that interview you wrangled for her, you have no obligation to say anything to the hiring managers, but you should absolutely tell her not to expect any more professional favors as long as she’s committed to her present strategy.

(By the way, it’s not “kicking someone when they’re down” to tell them they shouldn’t engage in fraud. Your friend is currently employed and making decent money—she just wants a shortcut to landing her “dream job” without having to pick up the necessary experience first. That’s nowhere near down.)

Q. Call CPS or MYOB?: I’m very much concerned about what is going on with the nice teenage boy who lives next door and what, if anything, I should do about it. I bought this place about 18 months ago and became friendly with my neighbors: a woman, “Jane,” about my age and her son, “Ron,” who is about 16. I was intrigued since Jane doesn’t seem to work but seems to have plenty of money, but I figured it was maybe alimony (since she’s been married at least three times) but ultimately none of my business. Over a month ago, Jane left Ron behind while she went on vacation in Europe. Since then, Ron has occasionally asked me for help with things like laundry and cooking. Last week, I was over there helping him figure out why the hot water heater wasn’t working, and I asked when his mom was coming back; he said he didn’t know since she was extending her vacation as she’d met “an interesting guy.”

I asked Ron if he was in touch with his father or any other relatives—he said no but everything was OK since his mom Skypes with him and puts money in his bank account. In my book this is parental abandonment but Ron seems to be going to school and though there have been parties on several weekends, nothing has gotten out of hand. I’m not even sure if this is illegal or not, so I’m torn between calling CPS and just keeping a close watch on Ron myself. I don’t see myself as a substitute mom though since I work long hours, have a busy social life, and visit my long-distance boyfriend every other weekend. I’d hate to cause trouble for a kid who seems to be behaving very responsibly but then I’d hate to admit after a major problem happens that I knew and did nothing. What to do?

A: Since no one appears to be in immediate danger, I think your neighbor Jane’s behavior falls into the unfortunate category of irresponsible and selfish, but not so serious that it merits state intervention yet. It sounds like you’ve been a real help to Ron, and that it’s not reached a level where you feel put-upon or like you’re acting as a surrogate parent. As long as you’re comfortable, I think you should continue to be available to him as a neighbor and a responsible adult, to check in with him once in a while when you’re in town to make sure he’s doing all right. If, at a later point, something comes up that makes you think Ron is in danger, you do still have the option of contacting CPS. For now, let that option stay in your back pocket.

This is not an answer I feel tremendously comfortable giving, for what it’s worth, and if he were 14 or 15 I might have a different one. It’s a tricky situation, and if nothing else I’m grateful Ron has you in his life and seems to have a great deal more responsibility than his own mother.

Q. My best friend is suicidal and two states away: I just finished my freshman year of college, and so did one of my best friends from home, “Max.” He has struggled with mental illness, self-harm, and suicidal ideation for as long as I’ve known him, and has self-diagnosed with BPD. He’s been posting a lot of incredibly worrying things on Facebook lately, about disassociating almost constantly and wanting to kill himself and most recently, a post about how he should have gone through with it last week. I don’t know what to do. His family moved two states away after graduation, and telling his parents isn’t an option. They’re part of the problem: Both are incredibly abusive. They actively belittle Max for his gender and sexual identity (he’s queer and trans) and won’t help him get help for his mental illnesses. I’m terrified he’s going to kill himself, but I don’t know how to help. He goes to a large state college where his family moved, and dorming isn’t an option because of money. What can I do? I’m really worried about him. I’ve reached out and let Max know that I’m always here for him, and that I care about him a lot, but I feel like that isn’t enough.

A: First, I’d encourage Max to learn more about his rights to confidentially access mental health services on campus; the Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law has a useful primer on the subject. If he’s of age, he does not need parental permission to see an on-campus counselor. The fact that his BPD is self-diagnosed is concerning and suggests that he has not been thoroughly evaluated by a medical professional. He can also seek out peer counseling at his college’s LGBT center—most state colleges have one. Both you and Max should contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 for further support; there’s also the Trans Lifeline at 1-877-565-8860. All Trans Lifeline operators are trans-identified and have experience with suicidality. They focus on harm reduction, peer intervention, and only contact emergency services with the caller’s explicit consent. If you see Max making a credible real-time threat to harm himself, you may also consider calling emergency services in his town. There are multiple short- and long-term options to improve Max’s health and well-being, and he’ll likely need a combination of all of them.

But the most crucial thing for you to bear in mind here is that you are not a medically effective treatment for mental illness or suicidal depression. No friend, however loving, is an adequate replacement for mental health services, for therapy, for psychiatry, for medication. You cannot be—and should not try to be—all things to him. That doesn’t mean you can’t help Max access necessary services, nor does it mean you can’t provide him with meaningful support during this incredibly painful time, but it should serve as a necessary reminder that you are not the only thing standing in between Max and total despair.

Q. Pops, I’m poly: I’m struggling with whether or not to tell my family that my wife and I are in a polyamorous relationship with another person. On one hand, it seems like a sex-life overshare for dear old dad. On the other, this is an important part of our lives, and I’m very close with my parents and siblings. For what it’s worth, they are progressive people, but may initially find this news upsetting. I feel like I’m growing more distant from my family because I can’t reveal this, but it doesn’t seem fair to put the weight of my secret on their shoulders. My wife and our partner are supportive of my decision either way.

A: How long have you and your wife been with this partner? Do you live together? Are they a part of your everyday life? Do you generally make plans for the future as a group, or are you still figuring out the long-term nature of your relationship? The answers to those questions are fairly significant in determining when (not necessarily whether) you decide to have this conversation with your immediate family.

It sounds like coming out would be a relevant disclosure about the most significant relationships in your life, not merely a nonessential sex update. That’s a worthwhile reason to come out, in my opinion, but that doesn’t mean you should do so tomorrow with no consideration for how this news may affect you and your partners. Consider what relevant details you do (and don’t!) want to share with your family. Discuss it beforehand with both your partners, and figure out if there’s anything they’re not comfortable with you sharing with your family. Choose a neutral time (not a major holiday or someone else’s birthday) to broach the subject, and come up with a quick elevator pitch for why this arrangement is so meaningful to you and why you wanted to share it with your family. That’s also a good opportunity to clear up any common misconceptions you fear they might have.

If staying closeted and hiding one of your partners from your family is making you feel isolated and withdrawn, and if you see this person as an integral part of your life and your marriage, then I think you have good cause to come out. Take your time, figure out what you do and don’t want to say, and remember that even if your family is progressive, it might take a while for them to adjust. They might ask some questions that feel more than a little cringe-inducing or uncomfortable, and you’ll need to figure out what you are and aren’t ready to discuss with them. But it’s still very much worth doing! Good luck.

Q. Guns at a wedding: We hope my brother-in-law will attend our daughter’s wedding, but we fear that he will bring his handgun. He recently commented on social media that he will “never go anywhere without my gun on my person.” The invitations were sent before this comment was made. He has said that he plans to attend the wedding. (The wedding will be out of town, both for us and for my BIL, and is being held at a city park.) Should my husband speak to him? Should we write him a letter expressing our hope that he is present, but that his gun is not welcome? His sister has offered to talk with him as she, too, does not want him to bring a gun. She visited him recently and observed that even when attending his small, rural church he carries his gun at his waist in an unsecured holster. He’s just one of those people who doesn’t want anyone touching his guns. We really don’t want the presence of a gun to spoil our daughter’s wedding!

A: It is a reasonable request to ask wedding guests not to bring guns to the ceremony. It should come from the bride- and groom-to-be, and needs no further justification than “We don’t want guns at our wedding; please don’t bring yours with you.” If your daughter would like you and your husband to back them up, you certainly should, but let them make the official request.

Q. Is honesty the best policy?: I am in a happy, healthy relationship with my boyfriend of five months. Everything is perfect except that we have very different sex drives (his high, mine low). He is always respectful if I really don’t want to, and most times I don’t mind it at all; it feels nice and it makes me happy when he is happy. However, I can tell he is sometimes disappointed that I don’t ever really really “want it.” He says he wants me to experience pleasure, and is determined to do that, but it just doesn’t work. I’m fine with this but I can tell it makes him sad. So my question is, do I start being a little less honest with him and pretend to really enjoy it/want it to make him feel better? Or do I continue to be honest as he insists and see him disappointed in himself? Since we’ve already talked about my situation to a large extent, I feel like “faking it” may be less of a lie and more of a thing you do because you care about him. I’m just not sure what to do.

A: You’re only five months into this relationship. Here’s how you’ve described your sex life: You “don’t mind it at all,” he’s sometimes disappointed, you’re happy when he’s happy, and his desire to bring you pleasure “just doesn’t work.” The most positive thing you have to say about the sex you two are having is that it “feels nice.” That’s not a ringing endorsement of your sexual compatibility, and I’m afraid if you start feigning enthusiasm you don’t really feel, you’re only going to find yourself feeling more alienated from one another. If your boyfriend starts to think you’re genuinely enjoying having sex with him more often, while in reality you’re just going along to get along, what’s going to happen six months or two years from now when pretending to have a great time feels less like a minor inconvenience and more like a total chore?

I’m more than a little concerned that you think faking enthusiasm is something you “ought” to do because you care about your boyfriend because you’ve “already talked about [your] situation to a large extent.” That suggests you think of your natural sexual preferences as an error to be corrected, or that you somehow owe your boyfriend something merely because you two have spent some time discussing your respective levels of desire. That is, in fact, something that should be completely normal and expected in all of your romantic relationships! It is a feature and not a bug.

It’s always difficult when an otherwise great relationship is affected by a significant difference in desire or libido, but the answer to that challenge is not for one of the partners to start pretending they want sex any more or less than they actually do. If you two can reach a workable compromise that reasonably satisfies you both, that’s great—but honesty about what you want is a necessary precondition. If you two can’t, it’s better to find that out now and part ways amicably rather than get yourself roped into a showy production of simulated desire that’s ultimately completely unsustainable.

Q. Re: Pants on fire: Even if the faker gets a job, she may never know when the company may decide to check up on their employees. The company that I work for decided to verify degrees on all current employees, and I found myself being asked for my college diploma or transcript after having worked there for several years. Fortunately, I did not fake that or anything else, but I would bet they caught people. I also had to produce those after an internal job transfer was approved, so you never know when your past might catch up with you if you fake things.

A: Right! Even if the friend in question does land their “dream job,” they’ve now got the sword of Damocles hanging over their head. If your friend doesn’t seem concerned about the ethics of the situation, stress that this is a decision that could come back to bite them in the ass at any point for the remainder of their career. It’s not worth it.

Q. Should I go to this wedding and end a friendship?: A friend going back several years is getting married. We have not been as close recently, and I do not care for her husband-to-be or his friends. I care about her but can’t help but feel that she is constantly creating situations where she will be disappointed by her friendships. The most recent is her telling me that, because accommodations are limited, I would need to share a room at the hotel where the wedding is with another “friend” everyone despises (including by her own admission, the bride) but that it was OK if I couldn’t make it. Is this stressed-out bride behavior, or should I use this as an opportunity to formally change the nature of our relationship?

A: It’s definitely odd, let’s go with that. The spouses-to-be might reserve a block of hotel rooms for guests to take advantage of if they like, but it’s not standard wedding etiquette for the bride to dictate their sleeping arrangements. I’m sure accommodations are scarce, but it’s hard to imagine a wedding location so remote that there is not a single other room in town you could possibly stay in. If you’d rather not bunk with someone you hate, feel enormously free to tell the bride that you’ll find your own accommodations but look forward to seeing her at the wedding. Or, since she’s taking the sort-of-extraordinary step of suggesting an invited guest withdraw their RSVP, if you’d really rather not go (and feel comfortable downgrading your friendship accordingly), go ahead and take her up on her offer, wish her the best, and start texting her dates for a lunch to “catch up after your honeymoon” that both of you will miss and reschedule for the rest of your natural lives.

Q. Re: Is honesty the best policy?: Hi—I’m the OP, I definitely have considered your exact advice. However, I should clarify when I say low sex drive, I feel as though I’m borderline asexual. I’ve never had that compatibility with anyone, and this current boyfriend is about the closest I’ve felt with anyone. This has always been an issue for me but with everything else so good (while he wishes I were able to experience pleasure, he’s certainly happy with our sex life), I don’t want to end it just for this.

A: The good news is that “breaking up right now without further discussion” is definitely not your only, best, or first option. Compatibility is dependent—to no small extent—upon honesty. It’s worth telling your boyfriend that you feel borderline asexual if only because it is good and desirable for partners to know one another’s deepest thoughts, feelings, and preferences. This is meaningful information that a good boyfriend would, I think, want to have. If there’s a meaningful compromise to be found here, it will require an honest self-disclosure to serve as a foundation for conversation. Your boyfriend is already aware you have a comparatively low sex drive, and he doesn’t seem inclined to break up with you over the issue. You find sex with him (at least) pleasant, you’re willing to have sex more often than you might personally feel inclined to in order to meet him in the middle—I don’t think you have to lie in order to get what you want out of this relationship. Trust that you two can have a frank conversation about sex without immediately splitting up.

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Help! My Extremely Unreliable Sister Applied for a Job at My Company.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 15 May 2017 19:03:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Unstable sister trying to get a job at my workplace: My sister, who works in my industry, has had a lot of trouble with employment over the recent years. She has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to get treatment, as she is highly paranoid and distrustful of doctors. She has been fired from all of the positions she has had for the past three or four years for conflict between employees or directly insulting her superiors.

After struggling to find a job for several months, she told me that she applied for a job at my company, specifically within my office, which is midsize. It is not that I fear conflict between the two of us, but I fear that her behavior with other co-workers will reflect poorly upon me.

Any guidance on navigating this sticky situation? Should I assume the HR department will weed her out in the screening process, or do I need to take matters into my own hands? I feel that if I was honest with her about not wanting her to work at my company, she would blow up at me and proceed to try to get the job anyway.

A: If your sister’s job history is as sketchy and full of unexplained gaps as you say it is, I think the odds of her getting called in for an interview are slim to none. You didn’t recommend her as a candidate, so unless your workplace is unusually judgmental, I can’t imagine how her behavior could reflect badly on you, unless at some point during the interview process you were asked to give a reference and you lied or otherwise covered for her.

If you feel absolutely compelled to, you can certainly speak to your boss about your sister’s application and explain that you can’t give her a good reference given her history of directly insulting her superiors, but you don’t need to bring up her mental health when her job history speaks for itself. You’re not obligated to explain to your sister why you don’t think she should work at your company; there are numerous bureaucratic levels in place during the hiring process for exactly this reason. The likeliest outcome is that nothing will come of it.

Q. Reaching out or staying mum: My friend A and I were very close in childhood. We haven't lived in the same place in a long time and naturally drifted apart over the years, but we reconnected at a family event and have stayed in better touch since, making an effort to visit with one another when we happen to be in each other’s cities. Her mom and my mom are very close, and I know through that grapevine that she is currently going through a divorce. Etiquette-wise I’m not sure if I should reach out or not. We’re not especially close right now but obviously have a long history. I want to be there if she needs anything but also don’t want to contribute any stress during a difficult time. What say you?

A: It would not, I think, add to your friend’s stress levels if you contacted her and acknowledged reality. Her divorce is not a secret. You’ve recently reconnected and you’re interested in staying close, so go ahead and call her and ask if you can take her out to lunch next time you’re in town. If she doesn’t want to discuss the details of her divorce, don’t press but certainly let her know you’re available if she wants to talk. That is what friends do, so don’t worry you’re intruding or causing additional stress unless she gives you reason to think so.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 15 May 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Losing Face

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 11 May 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Dear Prudence,
I’m a married 33-year-old mother of three young kids, and I think I want a nose job. I am Italian and have a very prominent nose. It never really bothered me before, but after the weight gain and loss that came with having three kids my face is gaunt and my nose is more pronounced than ever. My only hesitation is how this will make the other Italian women in my life feel. What if my daughter grows up to have the same nose as me? Will she worry that I don’t think she is beautiful? I think my sisters are absolutely gorgeous, but will this make them self-conscious or make them feel like I’m critical of their noses? Should I even be worried about these things? I really wish I had just done this in my 20s before these types of questions would occur to me, but now that I’m more mature and economically able to make this choice, I’m worried it might impact other people.

—Keep My Nose for Others?

Something worth bearing in mind is that if you had gotten this procedure as a twentysomething, all your concerns would still be true now, even if you might have cared less about the opinions of other people at the time. There is no magical point in your life when getting a nose job would have guaranteed an emotionally comfortable, social implication–free procedure. All elective surgeries come with certain risks, benefits, and cultural connotations, and part of the difficult work you have to do is figuring out what you can live with and what you can’t. You say that your nose has not bothered you until fairly recently, which suggests to me that you probably shouldn’t rush into getting a nose job right away. Consider recording some of your thoughts about your nose over the next six months to a year, and see if you notice anything changing or any persistent patterns.

The most important question you asked me, I think, is “Should I even be worried about these things?” My answer is: Of course you should. You absolutely should worry about how to foster your daughter’s sense of self-acceptance, how you feel about your distinguishing features when they’re on someone else’s face, how you want to make sure your sisters and the other members of your community feel celebrated and worthwhile, how your life is connected with others. That does not, however, mean you should allow the reactions (hypothetical or real) dictate your choices. Nor does it mean that if you get a nose job it therefore follows that your sister and daughter will feel personally scrutinized, criticized, or rejected. But if you’re contemplating cosmetic surgery, I think it’s an excellent sign that you want to spend some time first figuring out what you’re comfortable with, what outcomes you are and aren’t willing to accept, what you want to communicate to others, and what you’re looking to get out of it. Don’t think the decision will become easy by wishing the tough questions didn’t exist; spend some time trying to figure out how you want to answer them instead.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Recently I had to visit a new doctor’s office to get a physical before starting a new job and had a horrible experience with the nurse on duty. I had to explain to her what an IUD is and that I do in fact “take it consistently” because it is in my uterus. I also had to explain the difference between not getting a period as a result of contraception and not getting a period because of early menopause.

Most egregious was a comment she made when she learned I have bipolar disorder (it’s been under control for years and I’m doing quite well). She said, “You don’t look bipolar,” which I found extremely offensive and hurtful. I was not going to say anything, however, because I do get these comments from time to time, although never before from a medical professional. My friends encouraged me to speak up in case she treats other patients, who may be less well-informed or able to advocate for themselves, the way she treated me. I could not find an email address for the doctor’s office so I left a comment through the third-party booking system I used to schedule the appointment. Did I do the right thing?

—Critical Treatment

Absolutely. The only thing I’d advise you to do is to find a phone number or even write a letter to the office and make sure that someone in management is aware of what the nurse said to you. A nurse who is not familiar with the basic mechanics of an IUD or menopause is dangerously incompetent and a marvel for even having made it out of her RN program. A nurse who would casually tell a patient they don’t “look bipolar”—as if one could offer psychiatric diagnoses from a quick visual scan—increases an unnecessary stigma that could potentially alienate patients from speaking up about their mental health concerns. A nurse who does both should be reprimanded, retrained, and quite possibly encouraged to look for a different line of work. She’s a danger to patients, and you’re looking out for the greater good by speaking up.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My husband recently learned for the first time as the result of genetic testing that he has an 18-year-old daughter. From what we’ve been able to gather, she was adopted as a baby and her biological mother identified a different father on her birth certificate. My husband has no idea who her mother is; he was not in a relationship during that time of his life and thinks it must have been a one-night stand. He was never contacted by the state she was born in or the adoption agency.

Now we’re not sure what to do. My husband replied courteously to his daughter’s email, providing a little background information and gently explaining that he can’t help identify her birth mother. He is not really interested in a relationship with her but does not want to be cruel. We both assume it means a lot to her to have found him, although she said in her last message that she has a great life and is very happy. What should he do, and how can I help?

—Not Interested but Not Heartless

No one can make you or your husband develop a relationship with his daughter if he’s certain he wants no contact, but I’d encourage both of you to at least consider the possibility of exchanging a few more friendly emails. His daughter says she’s very happy and has had a great life, so at least on the surface she may not have a laundry list of expectations. But you’re right that this search has likely been important to her and that she would value more of a connection than a single email exchange. She might also benefit from getting a relevant family medical history from your husband. If he’s absolutely certain he never wants to meet her or stay in regular contact, then I think the best thing he can do is be perfectly clear about it so he doesn’t mislead the girl. But if he’s open to taking it one careful email at a time, it’s possible that some light correspondence is all she needs. It’s also possible your husband may find some meaning or sense of connection out of occasional contact.

* * *

Dear Prudence: “The Gravity Is Mad at You” Edition

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Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I want to have a small, intimate wedding for close family and friends only. We chose to get married where my grandparents live so they could attend, as they no longer travel. Some members of my extended family live there as well, and they are also invited. Other aunts and uncles who live out of state are not invited. How do we tactfully announce our upcoming wedding to the out-of-towners without inviting them? How do we stop the guilt trips? For what it’s worth, we are paying for the wedding and reception ourselves and are not asking for any gifts. Another reason we’re keeping it small is my family is much larger (and louder) than my fiancé’s, and he doesn’t want to feel overwhelmed at his own wedding! When I’ve explained that, it’s been dismissed as silly. Any sample dialogue would be much appreciated so we can stop feeling sneaky and defensive when the subject of invitations comes up!

—Outnumbered

Don’t be evasive or defensive: Be clear. Cheerfully refer to your limited budget and your desire for a small wedding that requires no travel on the part of guests, and make it clear the subject is closed. Don’t give your already-loud relatives a reason to argue about why you should make an exception for them by explaining your husband-to-be feels overwhelmed by them en famille. Just say: “We chose to keep it small and local to the grandparents, but I’m so looking forward to seeing you next month/holiday/funeral.”

Then for everyone else not already in the loop, send a wedding announcement as soon as the feat is complete. (Don’t send wedding announcements prior to the ceremony; this is unnecessarily confusing to people who might mistakenly think they’re invited, and there is no polite way to say, “Our wedding is next month; please don’t come.”) You can write and address the wedding announcements in advance of the ceremony, just don’t drop them off at the post office until the day of. The traditional announcement wording is pretty simple:

Mr(s). and Mr(s). Squeamish
are honored to announce the marriage of their son/daughter
Arboretum Stentworth
to Donald Friendship
Sunday, the first of June
Name of nondenominational botanical garden the ceremony was held in
City the nondenominational botanical garden is found in

Good luck!

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have a friend, “Ally,” who was recently deployed out of the country. We met a couple years ago and have several mutual friends. This group is pretty tightknit, and everyone knows and loves Ally, who’s extremely outgoing. She’s told me several times that she doesn’t like to be alone, and over the last nine months I’ve felt her become more and more demanding of my time and attention. For example, if I wanted to take a break and be alone, she would ask me point-blank if I actually wanted to take a break, or if I were using an excuse to not hang out with her. She began getting upset every time it took me too long to answer text messages (I work about 20 hours a week, go to school full time, and volunteer) and calling me out if I failed to respond quickly enough in a group text. I try my best to respond to messages, but sometimes things fall through the cracks!

After she left for basic training she became even more demanding that everyone write her letters; however, she never responded to one that I wrote to her, and only replied to the group letter we all sent her. I’ve tried to bring my concerns up to other friends of mine (including the ones in the group text), but they don’t seem to be as concerned about it as I do and make excuses for her, such as “she’s sad she’s graduating sooner than all of her other friends,” or “maybe she’s just stressed,” etc. I’ve tried multiple times to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she keeps making these kinds of comments, and it’s making me resent her. What should I do?

—Longing for Detachment

The two most important principles to bear in mind here are these: First, it is not your problem that Ally does not like to be alone; second, it is not incumbent upon your mutual friends to resolve the issue you have with Ally. None of you should be bearing one another’s burdens here. Now that Ally’s out of the country, some of your in-person dynamics are no longer at play, but in the future, if you say, “I’d like to be alone,” and someone challenges you on that, you should absolutely feel free to reiterate, “I want to be alone right now. Please respect that.” The desire for periodic solitude does not need to be justified.

When it comes to getting hounded in group texts, you have several responses available to you that will have a cumulative effect. One is to set the group chat to Do Not Disturb on your phone, so you don’t get multiple notifications all at once when Ally’s trying to embarrass you into responding on her time frame. The other is to tell her straight out, “I’m not always going to be able to read and respond to your texts immediately, because I’m working and in school right now.” If your mutual friends don’t seem to have the same problem with her, you cannot enlist them in help setting your own boundaries. Remember that when Ally grows frantic and desperate for you to reply it does not mean that you have actually done anything wrong or are required to drop what’s in front of you to manage her insatiable need for reassurance. If she continues to press you for more than you’re willing and able to give, say no to her, and stop engaging with her if that doesn’t work.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m a 27-year-old man in a friendship-turned-romance with a 26-year-old woman. We met as (platonic) housemates, then reconnected years later and started a (nonexclusive) long-distance relationship. About five months ago we moved in together as a couple. We’re first and foremost best friends and companions. I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed spending time with her, we deeply respect and care for one another, and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her.

We’re both sexually experienced with well-developed tastes, and our most glaring issue is that I am kinky and she is vanilla. I’ve always enjoyed exploring kink, and my past relationships have all involved healthy doses of fetish and fantasy. My girlfriend is much more traditional and likes her sex life to be private, monogamous, and primarily in the missionary position. We’ve both spoken pretty candidly about this but can’t seem to make much headway. She says she feels pressured to “meet my expectations” as well as feeling “sexually inadequate” compared with my previous kinky partners; meanwhile I feel neglected, unfulfilled, and restricted in our bedroom. She says she’s willing to explore things outside her comfort zone, but it seems like nearly every time I bring up an idea it is met with resistance or plain disgust. I’m not picky, I just like to spice things up! Meanwhile, if it were up to her we would continue through the same motions, ad infinitum. It’s gotten to the point where I am discouraged and reluctant to make suggestions at risk of reigniting conflict and hurting her feelings. I’m losing inspiration in my sex life, but I’m not ready to “swipe left” on someone who I care about so deeply. Help!

—Kinked

Oh, my friend, I do not have a better solution for you, I’m afraid. Sometimes—perhaps even often—two really honest, open, communicative, loving people can be maximally honest, open, communicative, and loving with one another and things still don’t work out between them. I don’t think there is another way you can frame your desires that will magically convince your girlfriend to get on board, nor do I think there is some heretofore-undiscovered fetish you could suggest that will unlock her secretly pervy side. You’ve both tried pretty hard to meet one another in the middle, and it doesn’t seem like either of you like the middle very much.

And as for your feelings, you can love her to death and have fantastic conversations all day long, but if you feel discouraged and neglected in your sex life, you’re eventually going to get frustrated and resentful, and whether you want to or not it will start to sabotage your relationship. If she’s committed to monogamy, would rather do it missionary-style 90 percent of the time, and considers even light kink to be off-putting, you two are fundamentally incompatible, and all the wishing in the world isn’t going to change that. For most people, sex is a significant part of a romantic relationship, and it sounds like what you want would make her miserable (and vice versa). You can admit that now and part ways, hopefully with an intact friendship (or at least mutual respect and affection). Otherwise there’s a good chance you two will put one another through years of sexual frustration until you’ve completely forgotten everything you ever liked about one another.

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A Hit at the Party

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 09 May 2017 13:00:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Not a pervert: At a friend’s daughter’s birthday party, I commented that the birthday girl still needed a birthday spanking. My friend kicked me out of the party, and I soon discovered that she had unfriended and blocked me on social media. Apparently she thinks that remark makes me a pervert. It was a joke, and I certainly didn’t intend to give the spanking myself. Now I’ve noticed that some other mutual friends with children have also unfriended me. How can I clear the air?

A: I’ll be honest—I had never heard of this tradition, and had to look it up to verify that it’s, apparently, kind of a thing, or was once upon a time. Probably it is for the best that this custom is diminishing in popularity! In general, even if this was something you grew up with, it’s best not to joke about spanking someone else’s kid, even if you’re close with their parents. If, like me, your friend was not familiar with “birthday spankings” (lord, what an expression!) they likely found your suggestion to be jarring, shocking, and wildly inappropriate. Even if they had been familiar with the tradition, I think it still displayed bad judgment. Anytime you find yourself justifying something you said with “I certainly didn’t intend to give the spanking myself,” it is a sign that, at least, you are not making the best possible choices. Sometimes jokes are bad! Sometimes “it was a joke” is not the rock-solid defense one might wish it to be.

Whether or not you think your friends are overreacting, I’m curious: Did you try to apologize as you were being asked to leave the party? You don’t mention having done so, and if you still haven’t, there’s no time like the present. Offer a genuine, unmitigated apology; tell your friend that this was a custom you were familiar with as a kid, that you joked about it without thinking, that you’re sorry for making her uncomfortable and for suggesting—even in jest—that someone should spank her daughter, and that you’ll never say something like that again. Hopefully your friend will take you at your word and you two can move on, but whether she responds the way you’d like her to or not, apologizing (and amending your behavior in the future) is still the right thing to do.

Q. Money between friends: I recently got a pretty good job and I live with my fiancée, who also makes a good amount of money. We’re living a pretty comfortable middle-class life. Many of my friends are still in school or not in career-type jobs. Several times it’s come up that I propose an outing or activity and they come up with something cheaper. Is it rude for me to insist for things like going out to a restaurant for brunch if they want to stay in and make food? It’s a nicer atmosphere and I think more fun not to have to do dishes afterward. Is it unfair for me to ask them to spend a little money?

A: Not as long as you make it clear you’re offering to treat your friends to these nicer outings. If you’re not offering, then yes, it’s rude and unfair for you to ask them to “spend a little money,” especially when your idea of “little” is their idea of “gas money for the rest of the month.” If you want to go to a fancy restaurant once in a while, that’s fine; take your equally financially comfortable fiancée, or one of your highly paid co-workers, or offer to pick up the check for your friends who are trying to get by on college-student funds. But don’t ask them to blow their monthly budget in order to spend time with you just because you don’t like doing dishes.

Q. Religious noise: I live in a very old building with little to no noise insulation. I work from home, and I’ve therefore invested in some serious earplugs and noise-canceling headphones to combat the little daytime nuisances, like stomping children and barking dogs and loud conversations. It has worked well until earlier last month, when a new family moved in upstairs. I have not met them yet, so I’m not entirely sure which religion they subscribe to, but I’m reasonably certain they are Muslim. At dawn every morning, I am woken up by someone shouting in prayer and singing a repetitive, nonmelodic song. This sometimes lasts for several hours. Prudie, it is maddening. It is inescapable; my earplugs can only do so much because it is so extremely loud. At 5 a.m., just about nothing is pleasing to the ear, but these singers are especially off-key. I considered joining a workspace café, but the problem with these is that they aren’t open when I need to work. I work for an international company and live in Europe, and therefore I sometimes need to work until 2 or 3 in the morning. Continuing to be woken and kept up for several hours is no longer an option, as it is beginning to affect my work. If this were just someone blasting their music, I would have no problem kindly asking them to turn it down. But since they are clearly praying, and likely belong to a religious group that is often victim to hate and discrimination and exclusion, I’m not sure how to approach this.

A: For what it’s worth, Islam’s five daily prayers generally do not last “several hours,” so whatever you’re hearing that’s stretching out over an entire morning is not necessarily uninterruptible. That said, the standard rules of neighborly politeness apply here whether your neighbors are praying or not (bear in mind that you don’t actually know what they’re doing; you only have your own assumptions). The first step in addressing your problem is to meet your neighbors. You say you haven’t done so yet, so take some time to knock on their door, introduce yourself (possibly with some flowers or cookies or some other friendly token) and welcome them to the building. Then you can also let them know that the building is old and lacks noise insulation, and ask if they could try to keep it down in the early morning, because you’ve been having trouble getting work done. Generally speaking, the call to prayer does not require shouting; you are not being intolerant by asking your new neighbors to keep it down, regardless of whether they’re singing early in the morning for religious reasons or because they’re practicing for a musical. If you act neighborly toward them and frame your requests politely, you will not be participating in hate or discrimination. You will be participating in the sometimes-friendly, sometimes-frustrating Dance of the Apartment Dweller.

Q. Re: Not a pervert: Just to back up the questioner, I’m stunned that the concept of a birthday spanking might be considered threatening. It was a stupid element of my childhood that no one considered damaging, certainly not too troublesome to even mention. Is corporal punishment too concerning for jokes now? I actually thought spanking was going through a bit of renaissance in terms of how casual people are about slapping ass in friendship—and I don’t mean overgrown bros, but well-mannered suburbanite moms.

A: I’m unaware of any possible “spanking renaissance,” but regardless, there are plenty of things that may have been considered stupid or harmless 20 years ago that just don’t fly now. (“Slapping ass in friendship” is also qualitatively different from spanking a child, even if the spanking is intended as lighthearted and celebratory.) The OP is not a monster for making a bad joke, but regardless of whether or not their friend overreacted, the appropriate thing to do when someone is offended by a joke you made about their kid is to apologize—not to die on the hill of “Well, this was normal when I was a kid.”

Q. Dating and teeth: I’m an older gay dude and I just met someone online. We had one date and he’s really nice, but his teeth are pretty bad. He’s college-educated but has a retail management job, so it may be lack of funds or not having dental insurance. I have great insurance and also spent a fair amount out of pocket to get my teeth fixed (braces, implants). Is this too superficial to be a deal-breaker?

A: It is fine if you have a superficial deal-breaker, especially if you’ve only been on one date together, but being turned off by someone’s teeth is hardly superficial. Dating someone generally means spending a fair amount of time in very close proximity to their mouth, and if you find their mouth off-putting or rank-smelling, that’s going to put a real damper on intimacy. If the idea of kissing him turns you off, don’t ask him for a second date.

Q. Faux pas in front of future in-laws: If such a thing were possible, I would actually perish of embarrassment. As has happened once or twice before in my 28 years of life, I got black-out, vomiting drunk. Complicating this scenario, I was staying at my future in-laws and I threw up all over their spare room. Not only that, but I was in so much pain I screamed loudly enough to wake them up. My fiancé took amazing care of me and his parents were, aside from a well-deserved lecture about pacing myself, lovely about it. Do I owe them some sort of restitution? I obviously apologized in person (tears of embarrassment in my eyes) and helped with all the cleaning. Should I send flowers? A card? A gift certificate? I feel so mortified and am trying to find some way to alleviate my guilt.

A: Oh, yikes. Oh, I am full-body cringing on your behalf. Yes, definitely send all three, and make the gift certificate for a house-cleaning or carpet-shampooing service. Maybe get a massage certificate for your partner while you’re at it, if you can afford it. It sounds like you’re marrying into a pretty compassionate, understanding family. This may not ever be a story you’ll laugh about, exactly, but in time, with sufficient counterexamples, you’ll all be able to think of that night as a really weird outlier.

Q. Re: Not a pervert: Birthday spanking is totally a thing, or at least it was; I even remember my (female) teachers doing it in grade school, right after singing Happy Birthday and right before cupcakes were distributed. My guess is this person made the remark in an otherwise off-putting way or has a tendency to say or do uncomfortable things. The age of the daughter may also be a relevant consideration.

A: There are a lot of possibly aggravating circumstances, absolutely, and the tone of the joke would definitely be dependent on how the OP delivered it and how old the birthday girl was. Regardless of whether the parent in question should have understood where the poster was coming from, or if they overreacted in removing them from the party, I think an apology is called for. If they continue to block the OP, then they might have to give the friendship up, even if they don’t agree with their friend’s reaction.

If nothing else, I have learned today that apparently some teachers used to spank students on their birthday in the classroom, and I will confess I am pretty gobsmacked!

Q. Paused proposal: I proposed to my boyfriend and his response was “I like the idea of being married but need to think about it.” We came back to the discussion a few days later and after some discussion I said I was actually OK with the status quo but wanted him to know how much I was interested/involved/in love with him and that proposing seemed like a good way to put all that into four words. The talk went well and life is great—but now I’m wondering if the proposal is still “out on the table” or if my admission retracted the question?

A: I do not know! The only person who knows is your boyfriend, and you should ask him. I understand you might feel reluctant to bring up the topic again, since it seems like lately the burden of initiating serious conversations has fallen solely on you, but the only way to find out what he thinks is to ask. “I wanted to check in after our talk yesterday, because I’m a little unclear if you are still considering my proposal or if you’d rather we drop that subject for now. Would you rather not talk about getting engaged? Do you want more time to think about it? What I want is to know what you want, so please don’t feel like you have to avoid the subject or pretend to be more open to it than you are in order to keep me happy. I love you regardless, and don’t feel a strong need to get engaged if you’re not comfortable.”

Q. Feelings vs. sickness: This past January, I developed a nasty case of vertigo. The type of vertigo I have includes the feeling of being perpetually car sick as well as crushing panic attacks. For the first month, I could barely walk and I couldn’t drive a car until April. It’s May and I still struggle with exhaustion, dizzy spells, and nausea. I was lucky to have two friends who took care of me devotedly. They did everything for me, for nearly three months. My problem is another (so-called) friend, who is now angry with me because I “didn’t pay enough attention to him” when I was very sick. I’m still sick! But he is adamant that I owe it to him to give him the attention he needs. I told him that I am still healing and that I can’t take care of his emotional issues when I can barely make it through a day without falling over. He has now taken to sending me text messages that alternate between how he understands that I need to take care of myself and how I am a bad friend and my behavior is unacceptable. I have no interest in maintaining a friendship with this person, but I don’t know how to get him to understand that and leave me alone. His tantrums are starting to be more annoying than being dizzy.

A: It’s one thing to want your friends to pay attention to you when you’re going through a difficult emotional time. It’s quite another to regularly tell someone over text that they’re a bad person. The latter is not a reasonable response to the former. There is likely nothing you can say to him at this point that will make him understand that he is in the wrong, or that will convince him to lay off the tirades. Block his number (and his email address, and on any other platforms he’s used to contact you), focus on continuing to care for yourself, and ignore him from now on.

Q. The right way to fight: My significant other and I have vastly different beliefs on the best ways to have disagreements. He thinks it’s best to take a break and not speak to me for a day or two so that he doesn’t say anything he’ll regret. I think it’s better to talk in the moment. Who’s right?

A: Taking a break from a disagreement is great! What your boyfriend does is not “taking a break,” but the silent treatment. Taking a break means saying, “Hey, this is getting really heated and I think we both need a little time to calm down. I’m going to go take a walk. Can we talk more when I get back?” or “Can we stop talking about this for a little while and do something else?” It doesn’t mean going full Ghost Mode for a solid 48 hours.

Mallory Ortberg: Today I learned a great many things, not least of which is the possibility that we are currently in the middle of a spanking renaissance and I had no idea. May all of your days prove equally enlightening. See you next week.

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Photo Chopped

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 08 May 2017 18:53:31 GMT

Mallory Ortberg: Don’t ask “What’s with you today?” Ask “What’s with today today?”

Q. To accept an apology or not: When I was in high school, I found out a guy friend of mine (who had an unreturned crush on me for several years) was photo-editing my head onto half-naked bodies of women. There were a bunch of other boys laughing at me because they had seen the pictures. I confronted this boy, and he apologized and said it wasn’t entirely true, that the bodies weren’t half-naked, but I didn’t believe him. I felt extremely violated. Now it’s been almost 20 years later, and I had accepted his friend request years ago on Facebook because I felt like I should be polite. For years I blocked his access to my pictures and have always been super worried about things I post. A few months ago a mutual friend posted about how sad it is that so many women have been sexually harassed. This gave me the courage to “defriend” this guy because I didn’t want to worry about my pictures anymore. He noticed within hours and asked me about it. I explained how I was still affected by what he did in high school to me and I needed to take a step back. He again apologized and said the whole thing was blown out of proportion. I said I still needed time away from him. Well, months have gone by and something has inspired him to apologize again to me. The thing is that I have really felt safer and so much better since defriending him. I really don’t want to accept the apology or have contact again. Am I being petty about this? He has always made me feel uneasy, and I just don’t want to be friends with him. Should I even respond to his apology? He’ll know I saw it, but I told him to leave me alone and he’s bringing it up again. I see him in person every 10 years or so because we grew up in a small town and our parents both still live there. I don’t know what to say if anything at all. Please help.

A: You do not have to be friends with someone you’ve barely spoken to in 20 years, much less someone who used to crop your head onto pictures of partially naked women, then tried to quibble about the degree of their nudity when you told him to knock it off. Plenty of people don’t talk to old high school friends for much less. You two don’t really have a longstanding history, he makes you uncomfortable, and you don’t want to spend time with him. That’s a perfectly legitimate reason to not want to be friends with him. Ignore the message, and be distantly polite if you see him at the drugstore in 10 years. It’s not petty to pay attention to your own feelings of suspicion and unease around this guy, and you don’t have to be friends with him merely because he wants to be friends with you.

Q. How to talk to my employer about my disability: Because of a disc disability I had to reduce my work hours from full time to two days a week. This has been working out great and also gives me the opportunity to work another part-time job that provides health insurance. Now they are relocating and tell me that their philosophy will only embrace five-day-a-week workers. Prudie, in all other ways I am at the top of my field. I feel I am being discriminated against because of my disability but don’t know how to discuss it with my boss without alienating myself completely.

A: It’s a little unclear from your letter, but it sounds like the company that’s relocating is the one that is already aware of your disability and has previously been accommodating. That should hopefully bode well for any conversation you have with your boss. If you two haven’t discussed the matter previously, don’t self-edit too much out of a fear of coming across as alienating. “I had some questions about the upcoming policy change about part-time workers. The part-time schedule we’ve created together to accommodate my disc disability has been working really well for me, and I wanted to know if I could expect it to continue after the relocation.”

Hopefully your boss is receptive; if not, then we’ve reached the limit of my own expertise, and I’d encourage you to consult an employment lawyer who specializes in Americans with Disabilities Act accommodations. Your modified schedule (especially since it’s been in place for a while and your employer is aware of your disability) is likely protected as “reasonable accommodation,” but there could be plenty of legal nuances I’m simply not aware of. If anyone with greater expertise wants to chime in with suggestions for the letter writer, I’m all ears!

Q. Caps and groans: I’m a college senior, and most of my friends are graduating in a couple of weeks. I’m happy for them, but internally I feel conflicted. Due to mental health issues throughout college, I have one semester to go before I graduate later in the year. I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s not a big deal, but this is the time of year when pictures are plastered on social media and older acquaintances ask what my plans are “now that it’s over.” The more I’m reminded that I’m not graduating yet, the more inadequate and somewhat resentful I feel toward my best friends. This depression is unhealthy, and it’s harder to deal with when they ask if I’m coming to the ceremony. Do I go and support them, knowing that it might be painful? Do I skip the ceremony and risk hurting their feelings? I’d love some advice.

A: Having graduated from college is thrilling and life-changing and wonderful and worth celebrating; sitting through a graduation ceremony is a real act of endurance and going above and beyond for someone you love. Generally speaking, it’s customary for proud family members to attend (especially if they’ve helped raise and/or pay for the education of the graduate in question) but not nearly as expected for nongraduating friends to show up, too, especially if there is limited seating, so don’t feel that nonattendance would be some crucial violation of friendship etiquette.

If you know that attending commencement would be particularly meaningful to your friends, then consider whether you might be up for attending part of it, maybe just when they’re calling out names so you can woo excitedly from the back before ducking out early. Or, if your friends aren’t especially invested in the ceremony, make arrangements to meet up with them afterward and celebrate in a more intimate setting. The good news is that your own graduation is less than six months away—which doesn’t make your present situation any more comfortable, but it’s nice to know the end is in sight. Congratulations on being so close to the finish line, and please focus on taking good care of yourself and not pushing yourself too hard. As long as you make it clear that you’re excited for your friends’ accomplishments and want to help them celebrate, I don’t think attending just part of the ceremony (or skipping it entirely) will cause an irreparable rift.

Q. Re: How to talk to my employer about my disability: A part-time job can be considered a “reasonable accommodation” if it is not an “undue hardship” for the employer. The letter writer might want to consider if the employer knows about using reduced hours to work a second job, which would seem to counteract the argument about needing a reduction.

A: The second job may certainly be a potential roadblock, from the employer’s perspective at least. It’s possible the letter writer’s other job is a work-from-home arrangement; it may be that with a disc disability it’s difficult to drive or take public transportation to and from work, but the person is able to get more done from home.

Q. My temporary roommate’s cats: My original roommate, Kate, moved out in March, and one of our friends, Cathy, moved in in April until the lease is up at the end of June. Kate paid out the end of her lease before she left, so I technically don’t need a roommate to help pay the rent. I wanted one for the company and to help save some money. Cathy has three cats, and they drive me nuts. I hate the smell, the cat hair, as well as the fact that they scratch up my couch, jump on the kitchen counters, and are generally energetic. Added to that, I’m also allergic to them. She’s not home very often due to her job, her theater work, and her band, but I have a pretty standard 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. job. The challenge is that I really value Cathy as a friend, and I don’t want to lose her friendship. Anytime I ask her to take care of the cat hair or whatever mess the cats made, she feels like I’m attacking her. I feel like the cats have taken over my apartment, and the only place I’m safe from them is my bedroom. I shouldn’t feel like a prisoner in my apartment, but I do because of these cats. She says I should try to get used to them, but part of me feels like I shouldn’t have to get used to them. I don’t like the cats, but I’m not sure what I can say or do. I’d like her to take the cats back to her parents’ home, but she loves her cats so much that I think she’d feel like she’d need to move out too. I think she’d be incredibly hurt and insulted if I told her the cats needed to leave. But how else can I feel at home in my apartment?

A: You can’t avoid it. If Cathy feels hurt when you mention that you are allergic to cats or that she needs to clean up after them, then you should resign yourself to the fact that you are definitely going to hurt her feelings. Her expectation that you “get over” your allergy is unreasonable; so too is her expectation that her cats should be allowed to make a mess of your apartment and shed small avalanches of fur without her having to do anything about it. Saying “I can’t live with your cats anymore” is not a friendship-ending sentiment, and if Cathy is “incredibly hurt and insulted” by it, then she’s making bad choices (not to mention acting as a poor cat steward) and should not be accommodated. Tell her the cats cannot continue to live with you, and if she chooses to move out with them, that might be better for your friendship in the long run. If Cathy ends her friendship with you over a very clear and reasonable limit, then her friendship is, sadly, not worth having.

Q. Re: How to talk to my employer about my disability?: As an HR professional, if I had an employee who was telling me he needed disability then was working a second job, then I would retract the accommodation as well. Disability accommodations are made when someone is physically or mentally unable to work the set schedule, not so she can get a second job. Sounds like the letter writer has been working the system and is now unhappy with the consequences.

A: I’m getting a lot of letters to this effect. I don’t want to discount entirely the possibility that the letter writer has taken a second job in good faith and in some way that accommodates his or her disability. But if there’s a possibility your employer will see your side-gig as an attempt to game the system, you should proceed with caution. Double-check all of this with an employment lawyer. That’s my final word.

Q. Slow death of a marriage: I’ve been married for 21 years and have three teenagers. With menopause and an empty-nest coming soon, there’s been a huge shift in our house. My husband and I have not fed our marriage, and we live mostly like roommates—no intimacy for the past two years, and he’s been unwilling to talk or see a counselor about our lost connection. I found out he has an online dating profile, but he says he’s “lonely” and it means nothing. I love my kids and feel stuck between staying for their sake (what he wants) and separating and likely divorcing, which will upend their lives. Many books say older teens who are just forming their own selves are at risk of depression and upheaval with divorced parents. I am stuck. I feel ignored, lonely, and abandoned. I can’t fix this by myself! Sleeping next to a stranger is affecting me greatly. Am I crazy to leave and blow up our family?

A: I think there may be a middle ground between continuing to grimly endure your comatose marriage for the rest of your life and walking out the door tomorrow. If you’re facing an empty nest over the next few years, you might consider “getting the kids out of the house” your marriage’s goal and natural stopping point. In the meantime, you can (and should) start planning for what kind of life you would like to build for yourself after you’re divorced. Reconnect with old friends, cultivate hobbies you’ve either let fall by the wayside or have always wanted to try, start a separate savings account, spend less time trying to persuade your husband to open up and more time with yourself. If you start taking small but necessary steps toward establishing a life that’s independent from your ex-in-all-but-name husband, you might feel less trapped in your current situation.

Q. What’s a good response for someone green with envy?: I’m an academic from a discipline that typically has higher faculty salaries than most other departments (think business college versus arts and science). Also, since I’m at a public university, all of my salary information is accessible to every Tom, Dick, and Harriet. My question pertains to another colleague from a different department, who does not make as much salary as I do. Every time we meet or run into each other, he makes comments along the lines of, “Oh, you make more than me and my wife together” or some such comment. I can practically feel the envy dripping off of him, and it really makes me feel very uncomfortable, as it’s not my doing that there is so much differentiation in market salaries. I try to change the topic to something else, but he always circles back to the same theme. As an example, at one dinner event at his house a few months ago (this was early when I didn’t know the guy much), he and a few of his college colleagues in attendance there all took to discussing my salary and staring at me like I was a spoiled okapi in the middle of a squad of hardworking, underprivileged, and overworked farm horses. I’ve taken to avoiding the fellow ever since, but there’s a university committee I’ll have to be in with him this fall, and I am seriously dreading it (I cannot get out of the dang committee, so that’s not an option). Could you please give me a few tips on how exactly to get him to change the topic or at least get him to stop bringing it up all the dang time? I want to remain polite but distant, and I just cannot figure out how to do so when it comes to this fellow.

A: “You’ve been bringing up my salary a lot. Please stop.” Repeat as necessary.

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Help! Shouldn’t He Have Told Me About His Open Relationship Before We Started Sleeping Together?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 08 May 2017 18:52:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Open relationship etiquette: If someone is in an open relationship, at what point are they obliged to explain this to others they are seeing?

I just found out that a guy I’d been seeing is in an open relationship with a long-term, serious girlfriend. I was angry that he had withheld this information. His response was, essentially, that he had been clear that he wasn’t looking for anything serious with me. It’s true, and I also wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. We’d been on the same page about that, but I feel deceived.

If it’s just a one-night thing, I can understand not explaining your entire relationship situation, but seeing someone regularly for three months, as we were, without telling them you’re in an open relationship feels like a lie by omission.

I guess my issue is he denied me the agency to make informed decisions about what I was comfortable with. I feel like he put me in a situation I didn’t consent to being in. Had he been honest from the start that he was in an open relationship, I still may have chosen to meet with him, but I would have set different boundaries. For example, we had sex in the home he shares with his girlfriend. Perhaps that doesn’t violate the boundaries he’s established with his girlfriend, but I’m not comfortable with it. I felt sick and furious after I found out.

To be clear, I don’t have a problem with open relationships, but this felt like a massive deception. Am I overreacting?

A: Absolutely not. In fact, you articulated your own discomfort and sense of violation beautifully. Moreover, it sounds like you found out he was in a relationship from someone else, rather than because he finally decided to be honest with you. His behavior was evasive and scummy, and you should absolutely update your opinion of him accordingly.

Q. I’m 20 and my mom is helicoptering: I just got home from college for summer break. My mom and I have never really gotten along; in fact, we got along best while I was gone.

Now that I’m home, my mom is treating me like a kid again. My mom lectures me on most aspects of my life, needs to know everything about everything in my life, threatens to take my car keys or ground me, and on Sundays I am to be in for the night by 5. I understand that she has missed me, and that it’s “her house, her rules,” but our already tense relationship is suffering and I am being monitored more than my 16-year-old sister.

I just want to be able to go out with friends. I am an adult with a job and a car. I pay my own bills. To my knowledge, I haven't done anything to make her distrust me. How can I try to get her to see things from my perspective?

A: I think a better option than trying to convince your mother to change your curfew is to find a place of your own. It sounds like you’re already reasonably financially independent; if it won’t break the bank for you to try to rent a room in your hometown for the rest of the summer, I think it would improve your relationship with your mother immensely.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 08 May 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

What About Mom?

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 04 May 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
I’m (over)due with my second child, and I am not looking forward to the “help” that will come when she is born. When my son was born, my in-laws came for a week. They helped by holding my son, soothing my son, playing with him—all the things I wanted to do. To be fair, they also cooked and cleaned a bit, but I had no idea how to tell them to let us bond. My in-laws are coming again this time around, from what I understand. My husband insists they are helpful, but all I feel is that they are intrusive and disrespectful of my boundaries. My own family is popping in too, for just a few days, but I have no qualms about telling them where to stick it if they overstep! How do I manage my husband wanting his parents and my intense need to not deal with them?

—Bug Off With New Baby

The crucial fact to bear in mind about your in-laws is that while they may be intrusive, they thus far do not seem to have disrespected your boundaries, because you have yet to communicate your boundaries to them. You say they’re coming to visit soon “from what you understand,” but this is a decision you should be making with your husband. He shouldn’t be extending the invitation unilaterally without your input, especially since you’re the one who’s going to be recovering from childbirth. Talk to him—tonight. Tell him how you feel and when and for how long you’d like his family to stay (while making clear this is about your needs and not about whether they are helpful). It sounds like they may already have travel booked, in which case a big reason to have this conversation is for your husband to know how you feel. If, when they arrive, you’d like them to spend more time helping keep the house in order and keeping your toddler entertained, then tell them what you need. “Slartha, Thector—I’d appreciate it so much if you could put on the kettle for tea while I feed Quadrophenia here.” Your husband should be there to back you up.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My co-worker “Anna” and I are supposed to start working together on a huge project in May. It’s an amazing opportunity for me, and even though I don’t know Anna well, I’ve been really excited to start—until Anna cornered me in the bathroom and told me my presence makes her physically ill. She explained that she’s an empath, and since I’m a “fake” person, being around me pains her. She said that I’m friendly to people I don’t like (I’m polite to everyone I work with, and I’m naturally cheery) and that I pretend to be confident during presentations even though I’m not. (It’s taken me a lot of work to become a public speaker.) A lot of the reasons Anna gave were hurtful and seemed unfair, but the point is that being around me makes her sick. She looked sweaty and ill during our talk, and I believe she believes what’s she’s saying. Anna told me I should do the right thing and remove myself from this project. That’s not going to happen. But I don’t know how to work with someone who is nauseated by me and who plainly doesn’t want to work with me. What should I do?

—Get Real?

Talk to your boss about this right away. If your company has an HR department, involve it in the conversation too. This is so far beyond the pale when it comes to appropriate workplace behavior I’m frankly shocked that Anna has even been recommended for this project. Whether or not she truly believes you’re “making” her ill is irrelevant; the important facts are that all she managed to accuse you of was being professional and polite at work and that she asked you to withdraw rather than offer to withdraw herself. Either Anna is unwell and requires help, or she is trying to get away with hostile, bullying behavior and requires discipline. Either way, it’s affecting her ability to do her job, and yours too, and as such you should request help from your own boss in resolving the situation.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m in the process of becoming a living kidney donor for a stranger on the organ donation waiting list. Everyone in my life has been very supportive except my sister. She first asked if I’d joined a cult, then told me that I was taking a massive risk (I’m not), and said she “would be more shocked if you said you were moving to Africa for a mission.” I told her that she was being absurd and that if she didn’t want to talk about it, I would keep her out of it. She claims to be supportive but sent an incredibly condescending email saying that she understands why I “especially” would be interested in doing this, that she doesn’t “espouse the moral philosophy” that this is a good thing, and that there were “other things you could do that would have more impact.”

I expected most people to be neutral or supportive—her vehemence has taken me by surprise and somewhat deflated my enthusiasm, although I’m still going ahead with it. The problem is that I’ll be seeing her in a few weeks for her birthday, along with my parents. I’m concerned that I’ll have a strong reaction to anything she says to me on this topic, and she’ll act like I’m being ridiculous since she’s now claiming (disingenuously, it seems to me) to be supportive of my decision. Should I talk to her about this ahead of time? Send her an email with my position? Just clam up when we see each other? We have a great relationship otherwise, and this is really making me dread seeing her.

—Sister’s Kidney Troubles

Your sister’s reaction is so out of left field that I’m having trouble figuring out what could possibly be prompting it. It would be one thing if you two had a contentious relationship, but for someone who’s normally loving and reasonable to suddenly flip out at the prospect of voluntary, living organ donation is tough to parse. What “moral philosophy” does she believe is motivating your decision that she must disavow? It may be she’s projecting her own anxieties about mortality and altruism on to you. But whatever her reasons, which she may never be able to explain to your satisfaction, I think it’s a good idea for you to simply stop talking about it with her. Be perfectly friendly about everything else—but if she brings up the donation, just smile and say, “It’s your birthday. Let’s just focus on you.”

* * *

Dear Prudence: “Hardly Working” Edition

To hear more Prudie, go to slate.com/prudiepod.

Dear Prudence,
The people in the apartment next to mine have a child who screams at all hours; the sound is loud and terrible and wakes me up at night. If it were a baby I would try to tell myself it will grow out of this, but the child is 7 years old and on the autism spectrum. What do I do? I don’t feel I should have to move just to get a good night’s sleep (I was here first; they just moved in last month), but given today’s “understand autism” mentality I am worried if I say anything I will be labeled as the one in the wrong. I am sympathetic to their struggles, to a point. Is there anything I can do? The lack of sleep is messing with my job; friends tell me to inform them that if I get fired because of it, I should sue the family. Thoughts?

It is unlikely that you would be able to win a lawsuit against your neighbors if you are fired. Moreover, it is not as if your neighbors are routinely holding chainsaw-juggling contests in the middle of the night—to sue them for their child’s involuntary behavior would be, at the least, unkind, especially when you have not yet had a single conversation with them about it. You have options to redress this situation short of moving out or filing suit. Simply acknowledging that you can hear your neighbors’ child and asking for help minimizing noise in your apartment building is neither ableist nor rude. Knock on their door with a box of cupcakes and politely let them know that the noise is affecting you and that you’d love to figure out a common solution with them. Contact your landlord (as well as your local tenants’ rights board) about the situation and explore your options. It may be that your landlord can move one or both of you, is able to help offset the cost of soundproofing, or come up with some other bearable alternatives. In the short term, try the usual combination of earplugs and a white noise machine (or even moving your bed) to minimize the interruptions to your sleep. Being understanding toward your neighbors does not mean you are not allowed to speak up about the need for quiet hours in your building; being kind and pretending not to notice a problem are not the same thing.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
We live in a rural area where there is no county leash law. Our neighbor has a dog that she leaves outside daily, no matter the weather and often when she is on vacation. For over a year he has been coming to our house almost daily, and I am at my wit’s end. While we don’t dislike him, he agitates our own dogs and chases our outdoor cats. I worry he will be hit by a car on his daily trek to our house. Multiple attempts to get our neighbor to build a fence or otherwise contain him have been ignored. He often shows up dirty and looking like he has been in fights with other animals. If I report him to animal control, he will be taken to a kill shelter, so I don’t see that as an option. Help!

—Not Our Dog

You’ve already asked your neighbor on numerous occasions to keep her dog indoors or at least fenced in, and she’s declined, and you don’t have any legal recourse since your county doesn’t have leash laws. Your options at this point are fairly limited. You can build a fence of your own, which will at least stop the distress your own pets are suffering on a daily basis, although that will cost you both time and money and won’t solve the plight of your neighbor’s dog. You can try to find a no- or low-kill shelter in your area and explore first (before filing a report) whether the authorities use that shelter as an option. Or you might decide that your local animal control, even with the possibility of eventual euthanasia, is a kinder alternative to dying in a street fight or car accident. Whatever you decide, you should operate on the assumption that your neighbor will continue to fail to act, and act according to what you think is best for all the animals involved.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
This February, my boyfriend of eight years broke up with me when he found out I was pregnant. We’d been temporarily in a long-distance relationship when he had to move across the country for his job. I was overjoyed to learn I was pregnant and thought we could get married after I moved out to join him. My boyfriend, however, was livid—he was starting a new job, and we only saw each other once a month—how could I have gotten pregnant? Was it even his? How could I be so selfish? I must have gotten pregnant on purpose to sabotage his career.

I begged him to visit me, and when he didn’t, I flew out to see him. We got into a huge fight at the airport, broke up, and then I flew home and got an abortion. I didn’t want to be a single mother, and the only decent thing he did for me was to mail a check to help with the cost of the procedure. I haven’t heard a word from him since—until last Friday. He was in town and stopped by my office and asked if we could talk. We went out for coffee, and he said he wants me back, says the abortion was a huge mistake, that he was horrible and unfair and he wants to get married and have a family with me.

I’m reeling. Part of me wants nothing to do with him, but another part of me wants to take him back. I still love him—he was my first everything, and we’ve been together since college—but the way he treated me makes me want to back away. However, I also know he was stressed at his job, plus the fact that we were long-distance, and how he acted was really out of character. We were happy together for eight years, until the last six months. It’s stupid to take him back, right? I’m hurting and confused and I don’t know what to do.

—Contemplating Reunion

Don’t back away from this man. Run away from this man like he’s Vesuvius and you’re a resident of Pompeii circa 79 A.D. Some things aren’t “out of character”—they establish character. The fact that your boyfriend, after eight supposedly happy years together, would respond to the news of your pregnancy with disgust, contempt, and accusations of infidelity and a secret desire to ruin his professional prospects should tell you what you need to know about what kind of husband and father he would make. You’re tempted to give him a pass because of his stress at work. But don’t do it. That’s not sufficient justification for what he did.

Consider the facts: He didn’t respond honestly by saying he was uncertain, afraid, and unready to become a parent. He hid on the other side of the country, dumped you in an airport, then mailed you a check to defray (not completely cover!) the cost of your abortion. The fact that he showed up at your office in order to get you to talk to him troubles me too—it suggests he’s willing to disregard boundaries to get what he wants out of you and that he expects you to respond to him in the moment.

Of course you feel conflicted and uncertain. Everything happened so recently. It’s barely been two months since every aspect of your personal life was completely upended. A huge part of you must want to believe that the man you thought you knew for eight years can’t really have done something so monstrously cruel and cowardly. But he did, and apologizing in a coffee shop doesn’t begin to make up for this massive failure of character. Please lean upon whatever support system you have. Enlist friends and family members to spend time with you and check in periodically if you’re worried you might try to text or call him. Get yourself to therapy immediately. Write down everything awful he accused you of when you told him you were pregnant—whatever it takes to put another day between you and your ex.

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Part-Time Mother

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 02 May 2017 14:49:05 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Best for my kid, or me?: For the last three years I’ve had full custody of my (now) 9-year-old daughter. It hasn’t been easy. I was never enthusiastic about having a child and, while I adore her now she’s here, being a parent hasn’t come naturally to me. My ex now wants to resume joint custody and I think that would be for the best. The issue, however, is that I have custody because my ex had a breakdown of sorts. She never intentionally hurt our daughter, she just did things impulsively without considering the consequences (like once leaving her with a neighbor for an hour while my ex went to get some groceries, then not coming back for a week because she went to Vegas on a whim). My mother, my now-partner, and many friends think that I would should fight to deny her custody and limit the time she spends with my daughter. I know my ex loves our daughter and in many ways she’s a better parent than I am. She’s also been to the doctors and gotten her life back together. Yet everyone in my life is telling me to turn this into a fight.

A: Why not work together with your ex and start slow? You don’t have to go from sole custody to shuttling your daughter back and forth every week right away. Since your ex has gotten help for her previously unpredictable behavior (and, crucially, never actively harmed her), it sounds like you have a fairly solid case for gradually re-establishing trust. If you don’t believe your daughter will be endangered by spending more time with your ex, then you should consult your lawyer about updating your custody agreement to allow your ex more supervised visits. If your ex is genuinely remorseful for her past behavior, she’ll likely be eager to prove her newfound reliability. If those go well, you can start scheduling the occasional overnight, periodically checking in with your own daughter and current partner along the way. If you don’t believe your ex to be a threatening or destabilizing presence in your daughter’s life, you are not obligated to become combative just to please your family and friends.

One word of caution: Make sure you are not intentionally overlooking any red flags merely because you’re relieved to have the burden of primary custody lifted. If there’s a part of you that wants your ex to be better than she is just because parenting doesn’t always come naturally to you, strive to correct for that bias, and remain objective about what would be best for your daughter.

Q. Church-going atheist: I was raised Lutheran by my mother (my father is an apathetic atheist and did not object) and attended the same church my entire life. Two years ago, I moved out-of-state and became a C&E (Christmas and Easter) attender. Since then, I’ve had to field questions every time I return to visit about whether I’ve found a new church. Plot twist—I’ve been an atheist for about seven years now. However, part of me still enjoys participating in church activities in the times where I do get to make return visits. At the same time, I feel horribly guilty because I’m essentially living a lie by doing so. How can I properly field these questions without outing myself as an atheist who weirdly still manages to give some priority to attending church, and how can I deal with these feelings of dishonesty?

A: It’s certainly a holdover from a particularly Protestant outlook to be asked, “Have you found a church to attend in your new neighborhood?” but to hear, “What is the inward condition of your soul and its relationship to God?” It is not, I think, fundamentally dishonest to decline to disclose your up-to-the-minute beliefs about the existence or nonexistence of the supernatural. Bear in mind that there are numerous churchgoers who may entertain regular doubts about whether God exists—there are even numerous churchgoers who are ambivalent about God’s existence or are quite certain there is no God, but who still gain something from participation in religious life, or who are open to the possibility of something numinous without feeling prepared to make any specific claims.

If it’s important to you to share that you’re an atheist with the people you’re close to, that’s fantastic, but you are not being inherently duplicitous by periodically enjoying church services. If a family friend or an old acquaintance is making idle conversation and asks where you spend your Sundays, it is not dishonest to say something like, “I don’t attend regularly, but I’ve enjoyed Easter services at St. Gregory the Equivocator.”

Q. I don’t want your knitted goods: I’m a knitter. I’m not the best knitter but I love it. My article of choice is socks. They take me weeks to do because the yarn is so thin, longer now that I have kids, and I give them away as gifts. A friend who has recently started crafting has admired my socks and asked to trade something she is making for a pair. It is not a fair trade as I could make what she is offering in a couple of days, and with colors I prefer, and I don’t really like being commissioned for knitted goods as it turns it from a hobby into work. My gifts are finished when they’re finished and dispensed at random to nearest and dearest. (This is done quietly as I am no Oprah and hardly prolific these days.) This friend is lovely but an outer-circle friend. At the same time, I’m grateful for her compliment. But I don’t want to accept things I don’t need when I’m trying to minimize the stuff I own. That said, if someone gave me a gift of something they had made with their own hands I would be touched. I am confused by my feelings. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by turning her down and coming across like I don’t like what she makes but I don’t want to spend weeks making something where the joy has been taken out of the process for me. How to I decline gracefully with feelings and good will intact?

A: Would you ever consider making this casual acquaintance a pair of socks as one of your periodic gifts? If so, you might decline her request with a counteroffer of your own: “I don’t like knitting exchanges, because it takes all the fun out of making something for me when it feels like a transaction—but I’d be happy to earmark the next pair of socks I knit for you.” If not, just turn her down kindly: “Thanks for offering. I’m touched, and I’m so glad you’re enjoying [sconce-molding/candle-weaving/bracelet engineering], but this is just a hobby for me, and I don’t like setting work schedules or transactions for my crafts.”

Q. Re: Church-going atheist: Lots of atheists attend our church in an out-of-the-way rural county. The church is the focal point of social activity around these parts, and our Good Reverend is well-aware of this. Be true to your own self, and let things fall as they may. Those who judge you harshly are unworthy of friendship, and those who will treat with you as you are, those are the folks worthy of your time.

A: This is a great reminder that the letter writer is far from alone. Not everyone who attends church does it for the same reasons, and there more be more people than you think sharing your pew and your private atheism.

Q. Affair: I got involved with who I thought was a great guy. He lived in a different city but worked often in mine. We had great chemistry, great times together, and I was honestly falling in love with him until I discovered he was a lying, cheating dirtbag. He left his “family” cellphone out to charge. The screen picture was him with his wife and kids. We fought and I kicked him out. I then found out his real name (I knew him by a nickname) and found his wife’s real name and address. Should I tell his wife? I have messages, emails, and his dating profile to prove his lies. I raised by a single mother. Her finding out about my father’s affair gave her enough time to secure marital assets before my dad hide them. Plus the lying POS tried to pressure me into not using condoms several times. I need an outside perspective. If it was me I would want to know, but that is me. What do you say?

A: Someone who’s that bad at covering his tracks (really, he couldn’t even remember to change his screensaver when he was with you?) is probably going to get caught sooner rather than later. That said, if you feel morally obligated to tell his wife, I think you should. Bear in mind all the usual caveats—she may not thank you for it, she may not even believe you, it may result in a painful and drawn-out divorce, and you might feel pain at being a part of that, however indirectly and innocently. But based on the information you have about this guy, it’s likely they are not in an honest open marriage, and it’s possible he’s risking her health if he’s trying to convince other affair partners to have unsafe sex with him. Get in touch with her once, try to give her the necessary information in the least inflammatory way possible, and if she doesn’t respond, back off.

Q. Friend’s child boundaries: I have a very close friend I’ve known for over a decade. I’ve known her son since he was a baby (he’s a preteen now). She’s an amazing friend but really weird in expressing some of her affections. She tends to sexualize everything (she doesn’t have any siblings so I don’t think she gets the platonic aspects of friendships). The issue is that she thinks it’s totally normal and great to sexualize my relationship with her son like telling me that her preteen son thinks I’m “hot.” She expects me to be flattered but I find the way she told me and her expectations disturbing. Even if it’s true, kids are kids and harmless crushes shouldn’t be taken seriously by adults. She didn’t share it as a “isn’t it cute” kind of way but more like telling me another man found me attractive. She’s guided her son’s thinking (of seeing me in this light) from her own comments about my looks and seems proud to share this while I feel really weirded out. I’ve tried to approach my relationship with her son as being an aunt and a loving supportive adult in his life. What’s a good way to deal with this?

A: Clearly and loudly. These are not comments that ought to be deflected delicately or with tact. I’ll take you at your word that your friend just struggles with appropriate boundaries, and not that there’s something else more worrisome going on, but you should nip this in the bud, not least because it’s likely humiliating to your friend’s son. “I’m really uncomfortable that you would say that to me. You’re talking about a child who’s like a nephew to me, and it’s incredibly inappropriate to discuss my looks or a kid’s crush in these sexual, adult terms. You need to stop right now.”

Q. Re: I don’t want your knitted goods: This is an issue near and dear to me. Simply say, “It takes me weeks to make a pair of socks and my enjoyment of it depends on having an open-ended process without an endgame. I would be happy to spend a couple of hours with you to show you how I do it and get you started on your own pair. It’s a long process but you may enjoy it!”

A: That’s nicely put! Although, of course, the LW may not wish to spend a couple of hours teaching the friend in question—but if they do, this would be a tidy little alternative.

Q. Neighbor’s car getting tickets: A new neighbor moved in across the street a few months ago. I haven’t had any contact with him but he looks to be in his early 20s, and his car has out-of-state plates. I live in a city neighborhood with weekly street sweeping, frequent roadwork, and stringent residency requirements, and as a result ticketing is quite common for people who aren’t obeying signs. This new neighbor’s car has received a minimum of two parking tickets per week during the entire duration of his residency. My SO and I have even made a game out of looking to see if he’s received any tickets each day. Half of this problem could be avoided if he just went to the DMV to register his car in-state. I want to leave him a note since he seems young and perhaps doesn’t know how or where to register his car. My husband thinks it’s not my problem and that he needs to figure it out on his own. Would it be reasonable and kind to leave a note for him even though I don’t know him?

A: I think it would be particularly kind! I don’t know if it’s reasonable or not, but I don’t think reasonable is a necessary metric here—it certainly isn’t inappropriate or overbearing. I once had a neighbor who texted me twice a month for three months until I finally memorized our street sweeping days, and it was an act of unnecessary generosity I’ll always be grateful for. Feel free to leave a polite note about how he can easily resolve his problem (you don’t have to sign it or offer your contact information for follow-up questions, just point him in the general direction of the DMV) and pat yourself on the back for being a thoughtful neighbor.

Q. Surrogacy: I am close with a cousin who is suffering through secondary infertility. I do not currently plan to have my own children and I am fairly young and in decent health, but for months I have thought about being a surrogate for her and her husband. I know they have considered other options but the costs of multiple thousands of dollars at one time is too much for them. How do I bring up wanting to help them—or should I, even?

A: I don’t want to presume you haven’t already done some research about exactly what surrogacy entails financially, physically, legally, and relationally, but make sure you spend plenty of time considering all possible outcomes and figuring out your own limits before broaching the subject with your cousin. Consult your own OB/GYN first to find out what you might be able to expect in terms of required medical procedures and injections as well as what risks you may potentially be running. Consider writing down how you would plan to maintain a degree of emotional detachment after giving birth, how you would tell family and friends (and possibly your employer if you took medical leave), hopes and fears and worst-case scenarios, and what degree of input or involvement from your cousin you’d feel comfortable with during a possible pregnancy.

Consult a lawyer too—you’re considering taking on a life-altering medical and financial risk, and while I don’t mean to dissuade you, I think you should learn as much as you can about the legal processes that surrogacy will necessarily entail and make sure you have someone to advise you on issues like compensation for maternity clothes and doctor’s visits and time taken off work, as well as whatever specific terms you and your cousin might want to lay out before coming to an official agreement. Being a surrogate isn’t just an act of generosity for a loved one; it’s also a serious legal and financial relationship. How many impregnation cycles would you be willing to undergo? Would your cousin want to help you choose an obstetrician? Do you and your cousin have similar views on embryonic reduction? Would you be willing to try again after a miscarriage? What if you had repeated miscarriages? Would you feel responsible for your cousin’s happiness (or pain) depending on whether or not you were able to carry a child to term?:

I realize this all sounds daunting, perhaps even like an attempt to dissuade you, but I think what you’re contemplating is, in fact, a lovely idea. If you try to answer some of these questions for yourself before mentioning anything to your cousin, I think you’ll be in a solid position to make good choices together. Assuming you do all these things, and still feel prepared to make your offer, I think you should be direct in your offer. Tell your cousin that you’d love to act as a surrogate for her and her partner if they’re willing, and let their response dictate whatever conversation you have next.

Mallory Ortberg: That’s it for this week, friends. See you back here soon!

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Here We Gonad Again

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 01 May 2017 19:36:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Montesquieu claimed never to have known any distress that “an hour’s reading did not relieve”; bully for Montesquieu, I suppose, but that’s only rarely been the case for me. At any rate, we can hope this hour’s reading can relieve something for all of us. Let’s chat.

Q. Not for stud: I am gay. My older brother suffered from a childhood illness that left him unable to father a biological child. I was close to his him and his wife at the time, and I agreed to be the sperm donor for their kids. Flash forward 15 years, I am engaged to a wonderful man and we are thinking of having our own kids. My brother is divorced, estranged from my nephews, and married to the woman he had an affair with. No one likes her. She is small-minded, petty, and self-righteous. And she is desperate to have a baby. She wants me to be the sperm donor again. I have declined but she has my brother wrapped around her little finger. He wants to know why and we ended up fighting. I am afraid that this might alienate my brother from me permanently. He is supposed to be my best man but there is nothing but hostile silence between us. The truth is if it was any other woman, I would, but the thought of her being the mother of any child of mine makes me want to vomit. What do I do? What can I do?

A: I’m so sorry that your brother has taken your previous generosity as a blanket obligation on your part to father as many of his children as he likes, whenever he likes. You do not need a reason more specific than “No” when asked to provide genetic material for someone else to have a child, whether that someone else is your brother or a stranger on the street. If your brother cannot take no for an answer, then it may be, and should be, that you two are alienated for a long time (perhaps even permanently, although life is long and he may someday come to his senses and apologize). You cannot budge on this, and you do not have to apologize for refusing to donate sperm. If your brother’s response to that is anything other than “I understand, and I’m sorry for pushing you,” then he’s not behaving any better than the jerk he’s married.

Q. Marriage: the long con: Last December I found out that my husband of almost two years (we had been together for seven prior to marriage) had been cheating on me on and off for five years. He even went so far as to invite his former girlfriend/mistress to our wedding under the guise of friendship! I often shared that I was uncomfortable with their intense “friendship” and would be met with dismissive tones/statements that attempted to invalidate everything I was feeling. Upon getting caught (I called her and she sang like a canary), he has “recommitted” and says he intends to remain faithful, changed his number/email/deleted social media/gave me passwords. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. I don’t wish to go to counseling with him, as we did religious and nonreligious counseling prior to marriage, in hopes to be on the same page. What compounds this issue is that I am working full-time, while he attends professional school, and supporting our household. I resent him for wasting my time. It’s to the point where being around him is now tolerable, but I wish I got to have more sexual exploits in my 20s instead of being in a relationship. Am I wrong to want to have a conquest or two during this clear break I plan on taking from this relationship?

A: I’m not sure why you want to take merely “a break” from this relationship. By your own account, your husband has cheated on you more often than not—not just a regrettable one-off, as he invited his mistress to your own wedding—you find being around him only “tolerable,” he has no interest in going to counseling, and in the past when he has gone with you, he has not been honest. His plan for fundamentally changing the terms of your entire relationship is to change his phone number and give you his Facebook password, and that sounds like about it. It doesn’t bode well for the future of your marriage looking any different from how it’s always been.

I don’t think you should seek to have “a conquest or two,” which would not even come close to affair parity (which is not a great goal to begin with). I think you should leave him and go enjoy those sexual exploits you long for with people who aren’t habitual liars and cheaters.

Q. Don’t want wife to abort: My new bride discovered that she’s pregnant. She says that we’re not ready for a baby and has scheduled an abortion. I want to have the baby, but I know that it is ultimately her choice, at least under current law. I haven’t been able to change her mind, but I suspect that someone else could. However, she has forbidden me to tell anyone about her pregnancy. On the day of the appointment, I’m thinking of driving her to a pro-life pregnancy center instead of the abortion clinic. She might not realize it until we’re inside, and then maybe the staff could change her mind. Would that be OK to do? I know you are pro-choice, but I’m only trying to make my wife think this through.

A: This has more the feel of a deliberately provocative thought experiment than plausible real-life scenario, but I’ll bite nonetheless. Why do you think that a group of strangers would be able to change your wife’s mind when you, her partner, have not? Why, too, do you think your wife would be unable to tell the difference between a “pro-life pregnancy center” and the clinic where she has scheduled her abortion, a place she presumably has already visited or at least knows the address of? Why do you believe that subterfuge and dishonesty are appropriate tactics to use on your wife?

If your goal is for her to “think it through,” then make your case, by all means. Argue your position as persuasively as possible. If you find that you and your wife are diametrically opposed over the ethics of abortion, you are free to end your marriage if you cannot contemplate sharing your life with someone who does not share your pro-life views. In the future, consider having those sorts of conversations before marrying someone. If nothing else, I do not think your plan of trying to trick your wife into visiting a pro-life pregnancy center is likely to result in her changing her mind about having an abortion. It is likelier to change her mind about you and getting a ride to the abortion clinic from someone else.

Q. ISO digital manners: My mother does not understand Facebook but uses it constantly. She regularly does things that are mildly annoying, like posting public messages thinking they are private, commenting on old photos thinking they are new, etc. This has caused arguments in real life, too, when she inevitably misunderstands something she sees and gets offended. Last week, a young person we know who suffers from severe mental health issues (that we have known about for years) posted some horrific things, and she commented (“WTF is this, this is disgusting”). I called her when I saw hours later and told her to delete her comment, but she didn’t know how to. She ended up giving me her password so I could delete it for her. How can I get her to understand how to use social media in a way that is, at the very least, not harmful for others?

A: You can offer to explain some of the basic rules of etiquette governing modern social media behavior. She may take umbrage at your suggestion, but it’s worth offering at least. Then you can, and should, defriend her. She’s already your mother; you don’t have to be Facebook friends too.

Q. Re: Marriage: the long con: I fully agree with your answer to this LW. Just wanted to point out that she is the one who does not want to go to counseling, not the husband.

A: Oh, that’s a good point, I didn’t catch that! It seems like her sense is “it didn’t bring any of this out before, so what’s the point”—which is a good argument against lying to your therapist, not seeing a therapist in general.

Q. Everyone hates our baby name!: Long story short, we’ve picked out a name we like for our son. It’s a name from literature (and recently TV), but everyone hates it. Really, really hates it. It’s personally meaningful to me and I like that this character is a reader, like I am. My SO is totally on board and likes that he’ll be the only one with his name in his class. What do we tell our friends and family?

A: “We like the name.”

Q. Maybe (not) baby: I’m coming up on my six-year wedding anniversary. When I got married, I was 23 and my husband was 28. We talked about the idea of kids and both decided that we wanted to be married for a minimum of five years before having children, giving us more time to travel and focus on our careers. We’ve done just that, and I’ve loved every minute of it. Now, it’s been over five years and I’m closing in on 30. The topic of kids is starting to come up more and more, between us and from his family in particular. Here’s the issue: I still don’t feel ready to have kids, and now I’m worried I never will be ready! I thought a switch would flip sometime over the past six years and I would start feeling maternal and want children, but that just hasn’t happened. I like the idea of children but am afraid it will put a strain on my great relationship with my husband, and I don’t feel ready to give up our more carefree lifestyle. Also, I honestly don’t have a desire to put my body through pregnancy! It scares me and I keep feeling like it’s unfair that I have to go through the physical and emotional stress of pregnancy and change all my habits and my husband doesn’t. My husband isn’t putting undue pressure on me and is very supportive of my choices in general, but I’m scared to tell him that I’m not sure I ever want kids now. I love him so much and I’m terrified of the prospect of losing him. I feel like I misled him, but I was young when we got married and didn’t know how I would feel when I got to this point. I thought I’d be ready for kids, but I’m just not. What should I do?

A: Tell him everything you just told me, word for word. This is not a situation that is going to get less important with time. The crucial thing to remember is that you did not enter into this marriage certain that you did not want children but lying through your teeth about it. You were 23 years old, children seemed like a far-distant hypothetical, and now that you’ve had more time to think about it, you’ve come to a better understanding of what you want out of life. The worst thing you could do would be to continue to dodge a difficult conversation with your husband and end up having children you don’t really want just to keep the peace. You say that your husband is supportive, which is great—tell him that you’re really scared to have this conversation, that you feel terrified and guilty. It always helps to name directly what we’re afraid of before diving into painful conversations. You two don’t have to get divorced tomorrow if you tell him you don’t think you want children. I can’t promise you that divorce won’t be a possible, eventual option, but this is only the beginning of an ongoing conversation between you and your husband, not the end of it.

Q. Office food-sharing policy: When someone brings food to share at work, what is the policy on taking second helpings, or thirds even? For example, you are in a hurry and skip breakfast that morning, and you see in the break room someone has brought in a loaf of banana bread, how many slices are you “allowed” to take? And over what timeframe? I assume you should only take one slice initially at 8 a.m., but then maybe a couple hours pass and the banana bread is still there, can you take another slice at 10 a.m.? What if it is the end of the day, are you allowed to finish something? Or should it be left for the bringer to take home? Or, maybe someone brings cupcakes and you don’t want one at 8 a.m., but can you take one and save it for yourself to eat after lunch? (For the record, I also periodically bring in food to share, too.)

A: The general principle you should be guided by is that of maximizing opportunity for others. If you’ve skipped breakfast, don’t consider shared banana bread to be your meal replacement (at least as a general rule; we’ve all had workdays where taking a few minutes to go buy a breakfast sandwich just isn’t going to happen). Taking seconds is fine if you’re halfway through the workday and no one else has made a dent, but sometimes people spend the morning in meetings and don’t get a crack at whatever shared food is available until after lunch, so I’d counsel you against taking thirds. (At that point, you should probably just ask for the recipe.) Generally speaking, the rules of food etiquette are a little different at work than they are at social events—it’s perfectly polite to take the last slice of pizza when you’re having dinner with friends, but it’s probably better to demonstrate a bit more restraint at the office. If there are treats left over at the end of the day, let the person who brought them in decide if they want to take them home or not.

Q. Re: Don’t want wife to abort: Crisis pregnancy centers are not only pro-life, they are anti-fact. The staff will attempt to convince your wife against having an abortion using disproven, false information about abortion and pregnancy, and will probably attempt to detain her until they can get her to agree to keep the pregnancy to term. Do not do this. If you are thinking this is acceptable, your new marriage is already over and your bride should seek a divorce following her abortion.

A: That’s an excellent point—it’s one thing to argue your opinion with the best information available to you. It’s another thing entirely to attempt to lie to someone about their own health and well-being, and crisis pregnancy centers have a well-documented history of spreading misinformation.

Q. Traffic faux pas: Yesterday, my husband hit a parked car as we were backing out of a parking space. He got out to inspect both cars, saw there was no damage on either, and then got into the car to drive away. At the time I just wanted to leave the situation and wasn’t sure of the right thing to do, but now (after some Googling) I’m pretty certain he did the wrong thing, and I’m overly anxious that someone saw what happened or reported us to the police even though there was no damage to the other car. I feel like there’s nothing we can do about it now. Help!

A: Yes, you should always leave a note when you’ve hit someone’s car, even if you can’t see any damage after a quick look on the street—sometimes dents aren’t visible from certain angles, and sometimes what looks to be a no-damage collision can actually result in cracks that later spread across the bumper. It’s not especially likely that you two have been reported to the police. I think that’s likely the work of an overactive and paranoid conscience. If you know whose car it was, or know how to find out, you should get in touch with them and offer your contact information; if you have no way of finding out who it was, you should let it go and resolve to always leave a note in future. Generally speaking, if you can’t see any damage, the other driver will usually agree and let it go, but it’s a good cover-your-ass maneuver, especially when it comes to the law and your insurance policy.

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Help! I Caught My Fiancé Abusing My Blind Dog.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 01 May 2017 18:49:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. An engagement broken in haste: Until recently I was engaged to a wonderful (or so I thought) man. We’d been together for five years, and I thought he was one of the best people I knew.

Recently a neighbor confided to me that they’d seen my former fiancé teasing my blind dog and causing the dog to run into things. They’d observed this several times and, after a lot of deliberation, decided I needed to know. I set up a spy camera and indeed caught him teasing my dog. I confronted him, and he admitted to doing it for years, although he pointed out my dog still liked him and was never seriously hurt.

I broke off the engagement immediately. Many people have expressed the opinion that I’m making a mistake and that I should at least give myself time to cool down or try to work through this. I did make this decision quickly, but I believe it’s the right one. There’s an ugly side to my former fiancé, and I don’t want to be married to him. My instincts on this are right, right?

A: Hell yes, they’re right. If the strongest thing your ex could say in his own defense was “I never seriously hurt your dog,” then he doesn’t have much of a defense.

Your neighbor saw this and felt strongly enough that they were compelled to tell you, and you yourself found the behavior cruel and disturbing. He’s admitted that he’s done it for years, and yet he never did it in front of you, which suggests a certain (and disturbing) deliberation and awareness. Clearly on some level your ex knew what he was doing was not simple horseplay. He knew that if you saw him do it, you would object and possibly even leave him, so he made sure to hide it from you. That’s not a sign of good character or compassion. You’re well rid of him.

Q. When do we tell our kid about Santa?: My very bright 10-year-old daughter still believes in Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc. She’s an only child, and we love that the magic of childhood is lasting (assuming she’s not humoring us). Sometimes, however, I worry that we're going to be having the first period discussion before this is cleared up. Is it OK to ride the Santa sleigh as long as it lasts?

A: If you’re not resorting to elaborate fictions to maintain the façade, then there’s nothing wrong with it, although part of me wonders if you’re both humoring each other at this point. It’s also fine if you want to offer the standard-issue “Santa represents the dreams and ideals of what Christmas represents” speech before you start the puberty talk.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 01 May 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Sob Sister

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 27 Apr 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
I’m 12 years older than my sister and effectively raised her (and my brother) after our mother was killed when I was 15. Our father worked 80-hour weeks to provide for us, and I spent all of my teenage years and early 20s as a surrogate parent. My dad got remarried when I was 25 and I was finally able to go to college. My sister did not get along with our stepmother and spent weeks calling me and begging for me to come back home.

Now she’s 26, married, and expecting her first child. Our father and stepmother retired to Arizona, and our brother is in the military. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, I was so excited for her. I later told her that I’d finally gotten the promotion at work I have been waiting on for years. It’s my dream job, but it also means moving out of state; her exact response was, “You can’t move—what about me?” She told me I had to “stay for the baby,” things got heated, and she accused me of abandoning her like I did when I went to college. I told her to grow up and hung up on her.

My sister has always been clingy but I figured she’d gotten past that after graduating college and getting married. I am so angry I can’t even imagine looking at her right now. I resent the fact she claims I abandoned her when I sacrificed my own childhood to raise her, and our father killed himself working to provide for us. Things weren’t perfect, I was a teenager, but I did my best. For her to fling that back in my face now—I honestly don’t know how to get past this.

—I’m Not Your Mom

I think anger is an understandable first response in this case. What both you and your sister went through as children was profoundly difficult and destabilizing, and I have sympathy for how difficult the transition must have been for her when you went off to college. But the simple truth is that you didn’t abandon her then, and you’re not abandoning her now.

Give your sister time and space to deal with her turbulent emotions. From what you say, you only had that one explosive phone call. When you feel calmer as well, tell her that you love her and can’t wait to meet her baby and to visit when you can but that you won’t apologize for getting your dream job or for becoming an independent adult and going to college in your mid-20s. In the meantime, if you’re having trouble functioning because of your anger, it would be worth talking with a therapist to sort through your resentment toward your sister (and possibly your father and stepmother) for the sacrifices you had to make as a child. You’ve done a lot to care for the other people in your family; do this to care for yourself.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I work two jobs from home. One is structured so that I have 9-to-5 work hours, and the other I do in my “off” time. My problem is my husband, who cannot seem to wrap his head around the fact that just because I am home does not mean I am “available.” He constantly interrupts my working time to talk to me about things that could wait, including arguments he wants to have right now. He asks that I spend time with him before he leaves for work by moving my laptop into whatever room he is in. He often expects me to take time away from my desk in order to help him get ready for his job, and I am really frustrated. I have said time and again that I am at work and he needs to respect it, but nothing seems to stick, and sometimes I get so peeved with him it distracts me the rest of the work day. I love my husband, but his constant inability to respect my work time and space is getting on my last nerves. Help!

—Work Stoppage

Your problem is both logistical and relational, and you, lucky writer, will get to address both aspects with your husband. First, sit him down and outline the problem as you see it, as well as the strategy you’re going to use from now on. His constant interruptions are irritating, distracting, and disrespectful, which is hardly conducive to a happy marriage. You’ve asked him repeatedly to stop and he’s failed to do so, and short of moving out you’re going to have to set a harder limit with him until he learns that “working from home” is not shorthand for “aimlessly surfing the internet and delighted by interruptions.” Tell your husband, “From now on, when I start work in the morning, I’m not going to be available to answer questions, settle disputes, or help you get ready. It will be just as if I were in an office, and we can catch up after my workday is finished.”

Then follow through by not making yourself available. You don’t say whether your working space has a door you can close. It’s easy to underestimate how important that door is: If you don’t have one, please get one. He is a grown man, and can put on his own pants, or hard hat, or glitter, or whatever it is that his job requires him to have on his person. Do not move your laptop into whatever room he wants you to be in, do not answer his question about whether you are still out of milk. Let “I can’t talk right now; I’m at work” be your mantra. If he invades your space, say, “I can’t talk right now; I’m at work” again. Say it mildly and without rancor, but don’t stray from it; as soon as you reward his attention-seeking behavior with attention, good or bad, he’ll persist. (This does not appear to be your husband’s most lovable attribute! Let us hope he has other, better ones.) You may be tempted to argue or justify yourself to him if he continues to interrupt you, but don’t do it. Put on your headphones, close the door, and ignore him until you’re done for the day.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My mother abandoned me when I was 13. This has had a profoundly negative impact on my life. I’m now in my 30s and have spent thousands of dollars on psychiatrists, therapists, and medication for depression. I’ve accepted it, but I can’t “get over it” the way people tell me to. Mother’s Day and the weeks leading up to it are a huge slap in the face, a constant reminder that my mother left and never came back. I’m a restaurant manager, and it’s the busiest day of the year, so it’s not an option to stay home. I absolutely hate seeing happy girls out celebrating with their moms. I just want to cry and scream and smash everything because it’s not fair that I don’t have a mom, and I will never fully understand why she left.

My question is, how do I respond when people ask if I get to spend time with my mom that day? The question angers me and I usually tell people she’s dead, just so I can see the shock on their face and make them feel sorry for me. I know it’s immature, but sometimes I wish she had died because that would mean that she hadn’t chosen to leave. What can I say to people to get them to drop the subject? Is it appropriate to just say she’s dead? It’s so much easier to explain than the real situation.

—No Mom on Mother’s Day

This is a great opportunity to remind all readers that “What are you doing for Mother’s Day?” is not innocuous in the same way that “What are you up to this weekend?” and “Seen any good movies lately?” are, and to tread carefully if you’re not sure how someone feels about their mother. That said, it’s not an out-and-out rude or socially inappropriate question, so even if hearing it makes you want to start hurling knives, there’s no need to lie or say something shocking and designed to shut up your interlocutor. If the person asking is a customer or a stranger, stick with something vague and impersonal, like, “I haven’t got anything planned—how about you?” If it’s an acquaintance or a co-worker, it’s fine to say, “No, we’re not close,” and politely decline to discuss the subject further. Anything more than that will have to wait for your therapist’s office. For what it’s worth, the people who care for you should not be insisting you “get over” this pain. You suffered a wound that may never fully heal, and my only concern is that these misdirections about your mother won’t help you.

* * *

Dear Prudie: The “Hardly Working” Edition

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Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together for eight years. We live together, and I’ve raised my partner’s daughter as my own since she was a year old, when her mother lost her parental rights and disappeared. I adore my stepdaughter, but her father and I have recently been having trouble. A few years ago he met a woman with two teenage daughters and some mental health issues, and they became close; I met her for the first time about a year ago. Recently I learned that both this woman and her daughters are in daily communication with my partner. They invite him over after work, ask him to run errands or take them to the doctor and chat endlessly. I am largely excluded from this relationship and have limited contact with them.

On Easter, my partner invited them to a big picnic with his extended family. It was really awkward. He flitted back and forth between us. Admittedly I am shy and struggled to find topics of conversation, but I felt very uncomfortable having them there. Afterward, I told my partner that it felt like he was trying to maintain two separate relationships. He said I was a narcissist who wanted “the sun to shine only for me” and that I was mad I wasn’t the center of attention. I am extremely hurt and really don’t know what to do. I don’t like this relationship, but he doesn’t seem responsive to my feelings. There is also the added dilemma of our daughter. If I decide to leave the relationship I probably wouldn’t be able to see her again, and that thought hurts more than anything.

—Is There Any Chance?

Until you adopt your partner’s daughter, it’s unlikely that you’d have any legal rights of visitation once you two split up, so make that a priority and consult a lawyer about that right away, regardless of whether you and her father stay together. If you’re the only mother she’s ever known and her biological mother has relinquished her parental rights, you should adopt her anyway, if only to ensure you’d be able to continue caring for her if something ever happened to her father. A lawyer will be able to give you a sense of how difficult this process may be, or what roadblocks your partner might throw in your way, should your relationship continue to deteriorate. You need to take steps to protect the familial relationship you’ve established with this girl before doing anything else.

As for your partner: Whether he’s having a physical affair with this woman is beside the point. He goes over to her house alone after work on a regular basis, is close with her children, speaks to her every day, and has started inviting her to family functions—he’s very much in a relationship with her, and the fact that he responded with such defensiveness when you pointed that out to him smacks of a guilty conscience. You don’t have to buy into his twisted version of reality, where asking him to make your relationship a priority is somehow equivalent to “narcissism.” If he’s not willing to listen to how you feel or change anything about how he interacts with this woman, then an eventual breakup is likely in your future—depending on what you’re willing to deal with (and for how long) in order to keep your stepdaughter in your life. In the meantime, however, you should take all available precautions to protect your connection with her, if and when your relationship with her father officially ends.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
A very close friend of mine died very suddenly at age 30 just two weeks ago, and as a result, I’ve been fielding a lot of messages from our mutual friends, including acquaintances who went to school with us but who lost touch with him years ago. They keep asking how he died—one person who didn’t know him even asked if he’d killed himself! (He didn’t, and there was no reason to assume that he had.)

This has been very difficult to address repeatedly, but I’d rather be the one to answer those invasive questions than his family members. His mom expressed great relief that no one had asked her this (yet). I’m trying to be understanding because it’s natural to be curious when someone dies young, but many of them didn’t even know him, and I’m starting to lose patience. His funeral was this weekend, and I hoped the questions would stop after the service, but they haven’t. Only a few people know the exact details of his death, and his family doesn’t want everyone to know. I’m keeping my answers concise and matter-of-fact without giving too much away, but I’m struggling with it, and I’m worried I’m eventually going to snap and say something rude. It’s not any one person that is getting to me, just the accrual of questions coming from everyone. When can I expect these questions to stop? Am I allowed to shut the questions down, or is that rude? I don’t want people bugging his family for information if they can’t get it from me.

—Tired of Rubberneckers

If someone who never even knew your friend calls or texts you to ask how he died, please feel enormously free to ignore them for as long as you like. Sure, it’s natural to be curious when someone dies young, but it’s also natural for adults to periodically rein in their curiosity rather than demand information from the bereaved to satisfy their spirit of inquiry, especially when the dead person in question was a stranger to them.

You can also simply say, “I’m not comfortable going into detail,” if you’re worried these questioners won’t stop badgering you until you give them some sort of reply. “I don’t know,” “the details aren’t publicly available,” or “I just can’t talk about it right now” are also perfectly acceptable. Surely even those people would not be so shockingly rude as to then contact his grieving mother for the latest gossip if you declined to furnish them with details, so don’t feel you’re “forcing” them to get in touch with his family members if you don’t offer up the bullet-points version of his death.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend is over 18 but under 21. I don’t drink, so that’s not a problem; however, I do smoke cigarillos and ride a motorcycle. She wants to ride, but I don’t feel ready for a passenger. I have given her cigarillos, and she said she’s excited to be a smoker now. She also said that if I won’t let her ride my motorcycle, she’ll have to get her own. I’m feeling a bit guilty about what I’ve introduced her to. Our mothers are friends, and I’ve learned that her mother is quite upset about her smoking, and terrified at the prospect of her daughter riding a motorcycle. (My mother is not happy about me doing those things, either.) Should I stop smoking and riding and hope that my girlfriend loses interest also? I like being a “badass,” but I don’t want to lead someone else astray.

—Bad Influence

I find it deeply charming that you both long to be tough and a good example to your girlfriend. It’s not especially badass, I’m afraid, but it is highly endearing. It is always a good idea to quit smoking! Quitting smoking (even cigarillos) does not get easier with time, and it’s less “exciting” than expensive and, eventually, distressing, so if you’re thinking about dropping the habit, there’s no time like the present. As for the motorcycle; if you’re not ready to take on a passenger, then make that clear to your girlfriend and stick to it. You don’t have to give it up entirely just because she’s expressed a (thus-far abstract) desire to get one herself, but if you don’t feel comfortable being responsible for her safety on your bike, then don’t let her ride with you. Beyond that, what your girlfriend decides to do with her life will be up to her.

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More Dear Prudence Columns

“Lost Cause: My boyfriend killed himself after a fight, and his family blames me.”
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“The Wall Between Us: My husband supports Donald Trump. Will it ruin our marriage?”

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

“You, Me, and … Him?: Prudie advises a woman whose husband wants to have a threesome with his unattractive best friend.”
“Graveyard Shift: Prudie advises a woman who doesn’t want to be buried next to her deceased first husband.”
“Chosen One: Prudie advises a woman whose in-laws only give gifts to one of her kids.”
“I Ink I Love You: Prudie advises a student who got tattoos in tribute to her professor.”

You Belong With Me

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 13:00:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Friends vs. spouse: It’s hard for me to make good friends that last. A few years ago, I made a good friend at work. We could talk to each other about everything. Our kids got on really well too, which was an added bonus. There was just one issue: My husband hated her from the get-go. At first he gave shallow reasons like she’s too tall or she just looks untrustworthy. Later, if we ever got in an argument, he’d jump at the chance to put her down more. Eventually he forbade me from seeing her unless our kids were present. I still would hang out with her alone as adults here and there; I’d just not tell him. I never told her my husband did not want me seeing her. Eventually, she found out and was furious. The next day, my husband looked her email up on the school contact list and sent a hate-filled email to her. He never told me and acted completely normal. She forwarded it to me and said we couldn’t be friends or even speak anymore. I apologized to her, acknowledging I put her in a terrible situation, but to no avail. I get it, she shouldn’t have to deal with that. I was devastated, work is completely awkward and miserable, I really miss my friend, and my daughter misses her friends. My husband feels victorious and has been extra nice lately. I’m having a difficult time feeling OK around my husband. I confronted him about the email, but he responded that he probably went a little too far but was not sorry for doing it because he got me back. This is somewhat creepy to me. I see a therapist, but he refuses to go, saying they are all against him and our marriage. How is it possible to rebuild trust and a healthy relationship where there has been so much dysfunction and mistrust for so long?

A: You can’t rebuild trust with someone against his will, and your husband has demonstrated no interest in behaving in a trustworthy matter. You say it’s hard for you to make good friends that last, and I’m worried this is not the first time your husband has gone out of his way to keep you from developing relationships with anyone who isn’t him. Your husband is controlling, creepy, abusive, and cruel. He didn’t go a “little too far”—he tried to keep you, an adult woman, from having friends, sent abusive messages to your friend at her work email, and refused to apologize for doing so. In fact he congratulates himself on “getting you back,” as if your having friends was somehow a threat to your marriage. It is not only not possible, it is not desirable to rebuild a relationship with this man. You and your children are better off without him.

Q. Emotions surrounding prenup: My fiancé is significantly wealthier than me and has asked that we draw up a prenuptial agreement to protect his existing assets in case of a divorce. He has been very clear that anything we earn or acquire during our marriage would be distributed equally, which is obviously better for me than for him. I understand why he wants this, and if I were in his position, I could see wanting the same thing. However, every time we talk about it, I get very emotional, because having to plan for the hypothetical end of our relationship is sad, right?! He doesn’t understand this and is very anxious that I am going to be weepy at the attorney’s office when we meet with her. He also comes from a divorced family and is once divorced himself, whereas no one in my family has ever divorced, and this is my first serious relationship. Big difference in perspective there. Am I unreasonable for having these feelings?

A: Not at all! This sounds like a reasonable agreement, and it’s perfectly normal to find the idea of a prenup both reasonable and overwhelming. You’re not trying to back out of anything; you’re just experiencing pretty understandable pangs of sadness and fear as you discuss the possible end of your marriage before you begin it. (Also, if you get a little weepy in his lawyer’s office—so what? She’s a professional; she’s not going to melt under the weight of a few tears.) Since you two are spending a lot of time carefully considering your finances before your wedding, consider spending some additional time carefully examining your emotional connection in premarital counseling. That’s not to say you should demand premarital counseling as your version of a prenup, simply that you two are about to take a huge step together and seem to have fairly different ideas about how to talk about difficult emotions. Consider both the prenuptial agreement and the counseling to be investments in the long-term health of your marriage, and good luck.

Q. A nurse, who is male: I am a nurse who is male. Not a male nurse (that term is considered offensive). I have been married for over a year. When we were dating I got the feeling my now wife wasn’t too thrilled with my job choice. She teased me about it, saying things like how I must really have wanted to be a doctor but didn’t have the brains. I talked to her about it. I told her that I never wanted to be “more than” a nurse, and to be able to take care of people had been my dream for years. Medicine is too hands-off for me, and I never even thought of that route. She apologized and said she understood, and the comments stopped. She even seemed to appreciate what I did. Now that we are married the comments are starting again. Last night she was on her laptop and called me over. She pointed out an APN program at a local college and said, “If you can’t be a doctor, you can at least be better than an RN.” I told her that I had no interest in an advanced degree. APNs take on a physician’s role, which is not what I want, or work in administration, which is also not what I want. All I want is to be a bedside nurse, taking care of people to the best of my ability.

A: Your wife is really gunning for this year’s “Most Unequivocally Awful Thing a Spouse Has Said in Dear Prudence” award. To suggest that nurses are just failed doctors is dismissive, thoughtless, totally out of touch with reality, and in your wife’s case, sexist as hell. (Also, I’d love to know what her job is that allows her to dismiss RNs! Is she Jacques Bérès or one of the other founders of Doctors Without Borders?* Because if not, that’s a little hypocritical—and actually, I’d imagine the founders of Doctors Without Borders have a healthy appreciation for nurses.)

Let’s hope that in every other aspect of married life she’s a gem and a delight. Regardless, these comments display a lack of respect for you, your choices, and the work you do every day, and you don’t have to put up with them. Tell her, “I’ve been a nurse since before I knew you. My job never came as a surprise to you. I’ve told you I find it personally fulfilling, well-suited to my abilities, and allows me to take care of other people in a way that makes me profoundly satisfied. I’m really sorry that that bothers you, because you’re missing out on a significant opportunity to be happy for your partner. You might think nursing isn’t a ‘good enough’ career for me, but I love it and have no desire to become a doctor, an APN, or anything else. I’d like you to drop the subject, and try to be happy for me.”

Q. Re: Emotions surrounding prenup: The feelings are not unreasonable, but I also don’t think the fiancé is unreasonable for wanting to have a prenup if he has previous negative experiences with divorce. The best course is to hire your own attorney to help you negotiate the process, negotiate with the spouse, and protect any assets that YOU bring to the table.

Also, this is an excellent opportunity to ensure that already existing children (both his and yours, if applicable) are protected in the event of a divorce. It’s also an excellent opportunity to ensure that everything else is in order, including your wills, your advanced medical directives, and your powers of attorney.

A: Yes! That’s such a good point, and one I didn’t think of at all—OP, you should have your own lawyer to review the documents and advise you. That’s not antagonistic; that’s just good prenuptial sense.

Q. I walk the line: My husband of one year has a bit of a hangup about one of my male friends, whom I met three years before my husband. Somewhere in those three years, I had a long, unrequited crush (he is gay) on this male friend, but that crush died off soon before I met my husband—a husband whom I adore and is a much better match for me than this friend ever would have been even if he were straight. This friend and I naturally drifted apart some, but I still talk to him once in a while on Facebook or Twitter, usually in public but occasionally through chat. We have known each other a long time and care about each other’s lives. The things we talk about are sometimes personal but completely innocent and not overly intimate. We will talk about, say, the fact that he is considering joining another religion. My husband and I have had many talks about his jealousy about my former feelings toward my friend. He knows that nothing is going on, that my friend is gay, that I am not pining after him, and that I have a right to my former friendships, but I know he still feels insecure. So when my husband sees me typing away on my phone and casually asks who I’m talking to, if it’s this friend, I usually tell him it’s one of my other friends (even other male ones) just to avoid an argument or making my husband feel bad. Is this wrong? I feel like I’m acting like a cheater but I just want to avoid a fight about something I don’t really think is my problem.

A: You say you’re lying about who you’re talking to in order to avoid a fight, but you don’t say that your husband makes a habit of fighting with you about your interactions with this particular friend, just that he feels insecure, which makes me wonder if what you’re actually trying to avoid is being honest and vulnerable with your husband. If he actually gives you a hard time when you’re texting your friend, that’s one thing, but if you’re just trying to pretend your friend doesn’t exist, I think that’s a suboptimal strategy. Based on what you’ve written here, it sounds like your husband has behaved fairly well—he’s aware that there’s nothing going on between you and your friend and that his own insecurities should not dictate your behavior.

You’re not obligated to update your husband every time you text someone, of course, and if you think he’s asking in part because he wants to needle you about the friend you used to have a crush on in particular, I can understand your policy of general avoidance. But if he’s doing a reasonably good job of trying to manage his own insecurities, I think you should take a step toward increased intimacy and be honest about who you’re talking to when the subject comes up.

Q. Re: Friends vs. spouse: My question is how her therapist isn’t helping her understand that she is being emotionally abused. She also needs to get a new therapist.

A: Absolutely. Part of the value of a therapist is having a neutral third party who can help you recognize patterns that you’re too close to see. We don’t know what the therapist has to say about the situation (or even that the OP has given said therapist all the details she’s given us), but if your therapist knows what your husband has done and isn’t putting the dots together—if your therapist isn’t helping you identify your husband’s controlling, isolating behavior as part of a pattern of emotional abuse—then you need a new therapist, pronto.

Q. Different parenting styles: I have a wonderful and darling friend who happens to fall on the side of (what I consider to be) fussy and overly indulgent helicopter parenting, where I tend to the free-range-with-a-vengeance and zero-censorship side. I come from a large, involved family (I have more than 50 first cousins, and I’ve babysat most of them!) and I’ve also fostered kids at different times in my life, whereas she comes from a very small family—just one sibling and both her parents are deceased. I will admit to having a little bit of arrogance where kids are concerned—if a kid does it, I’ve probably dealt with it. Which by no means makes me perfect or infallible! It seems to me she’s her own worst enemy where her son is concerned. He’s 4, and she complains that he’s a terrible sleeper—but she’s spent the last four years indulging a bedtime routine that makes circus acts look quiet. Projector-style mobiles, starlight walks, rocking, swaddling, car rides, time-outs, and existential discussions about the biological functions of sleep, often until midnight or later. Bedtime and sleep hygiene are the worst area, but this parenting style stretches across every aspect of her life. She’s been my best friend for 15 years, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult not to be judgmental and tell her off every time she complains that Baby kept her up again last night. My own kids are grown or nearly so (17 and 20), and all I can see is years of behavioral problems that she’s manufacturing with her own behavior. Remind me how to separate myself from her issues without losing a friend I really do love dearly?

A: Friend, with withered hopes: “Last night my swaddled son kept me awake for a thousand years. I have no heart or lungs left in my chest, only a profound desire to become a small rock that lives quietly by the sea.”

You, winsome and charming and wearing a becoming hat: “I’m so sorry to hear that! I’ve had a lot of luck with certain techniques with my kids—I’m sure you’ve done plenty of research already, but if you’d ever like to hear about what’s worked for me, I’d be happy to share.”

If she bites, great; if she doesn’t, she doesn’t. When she complains again in future, remember that you don’t have to fix her problem or feel any of the consequences for her—just stick with “I’m so sorry to hear that,” and “That sounds awful,” and the many polite, standard-issue variations thereof.

The one issue that’s worth bringing up with her without asking her first is the time-outs—if she’s disciplining her kid, however mildly, for failing to fall asleep (which is hardly something a 4-year-old can control), then I think that merits your saying something directly to her, whether she invites your feedback or not. You can’t punish a child into falling asleep.

Q. My yard is full of dog poop—but I don’t have a dog: We recently moved into a house in a suburb that feels like a small town. We like the house, but I’m still not sure about leaving the city. My children love our front yard, and we play out there nearly every day. My children are young, 4 and 1 years old, and the back yard is a hill that is difficult to negotiate for my littlest. So if we are playing outside, it has to be in the front yard. The problem is I (or my children) find dog crap in my yard all the time. We don’t have pets, but as far as I can tell, almost everyone else on our street does. I’ve seen at least four different dogs in my yard at various times as well as a few cats. I’m not monitoring my yard constantly or interested in starting that but I don’t want other people’s pets using my yard as a toilet. It’s not just a pain to clean up, but it is unsanitary, and my kids are still at the stage where they have to touch everything. Each time I’m scooping up poop or washing it off a child’s shoe, I fantasize about visiting my neighbors one by one and yelling at them to come pick up after their dogs. I don’t really want to do that because I’d like to have a friendly relationship with my neighbors. But what do I do? Is it normal to just let your dog roam around and leave waste wherever it wants, or did I pick the wrong street to buy a house on?

A: You can get one of those “Pick up after your dog” signs for your lawn, which might help, but given that there’s always a degree of uncertainty when it comes to the provenance of dog poop, I don’t think yelling at your neighbors individually will be an effective strategy. You could also get a fence! Even a small one would discourage wanderers.

Mallory Ortberg: Until next week—may all your therapists be circumspect and your dogs well-trained.

Correction, April 25, 2017: This post originally misspelled Jacques Bérès’ first name. (Return.)

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Couldn’t Help It

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 19:07:36 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Hi, everyone! Let the chatting commence.

Q. Help is not needed: I recently tried to assist a disabled person getting out of an SUV onto a wheelchair. At the time, it seemed like she had trouble controlling the chair, and I rushed to help. She was brought to tears as she tried to get me to move away. But then she seemed like she was about to fall again while trying to sit in the chair. In retrospect, I think I might have overreacted. But, again, she insisted that I did not help her. I see that person more or less every day, and I am uncomfortable about the right thing. I don’t know if apologizing will make things worse. Is there anything to do to make this right or less awkward?

A: You say the woman in question seemed “about to fall again” but not that she ever actually fell, a detail I believe you would have included had it actually happened. Ask yourself why you did not back off the first time this woman asked you to leave her alone. Did you assume that, because she’s in a wheelchair, she doesn’t know her own limits and when she does or doesn’t need assistance? There’s nothing wrong about wanting to help someone, but there is something wrong with repeatedly ignoring someone who’s saying “No, please stop” until you’ve pushed them to the point of tears. What you did was neither helpful nor kind, regardless of what your intentions were, and you do owe her an apology. Apologize for assuming that she didn’t know what she was talking about when she said she could get out of her own car without assistance, for continuing to foist yourself on her after repeated requests to stop, and for making her cry. Make it clear that you’ll never touch her or her chair without her express permission again and that you’re making a concerted effort to change your behavior in the future.

In the future, if you see someone who may possibly need help with something, you don’t have to squash the impulse entirely; just ask, “Can I help you?” and let yourself be guided by their answer. If someone says, “No thanks, I’ve got it,” take them at their word and back off.

Q. Shrunken ethics: I started seeing a shrink a few years ago for general life stuff. I’ve gone from seeing her every week to once a month, and in general life has been getting better. As I was leaving the office today she said seemingly in passing, “You know, it’s too bad it’s unethical for me to introduce you to my daughter, I think she’d like you and you’d like her.” My take on the situation is that she wouldn’t have said anything unless she was looking for permission from me to do so. I’m interested in the possibility, in part because dating in South Florida is lackluster, in part because what she’s mentioned about her daughter in the past has intrigued me. Is it really unethical for her to do that? Is my read on the situation correct? Is there a way to parlay the “offhanded comment” into an actual meeting?

A: It’s a testament to how highly your therapist thinks of you that she considers you a viable romantic possibility for her daughter. Or it is a testament to your therapist’s iffy judgment. (How much is she talking about her daughter in your therapy sessions?) Assuming your therapist is not also a psychologist bound by APA guidelines, this is tricky but subjective territory rather than an out-and-out violation of professional ethics. You can certainly revisit the issue with your therapist if you like (“You mentioned last week that you’d like me to meet your daughter, but felt like it might be unethical. If you’re concerned about issues of consent, you should know that I’d be interested”), although you should be prepared to hear no for an answer. If she does want to introduce you to her daughter, and you two do hit it off, you should end your professional relationship with the mother regardless of whether you find another therapist elsewhere or decide discontinue therapy for the time being.

Before you say anything, however, bear in mind that there is pretty much only one way this can go well, and any number of ways this can go wrong. In general, I think we would all be better off for not dating our therapists’ children. Very few people on their deathbeds croak out in tones of deep regret, “If only I had dated my therapist’s daughter.” That’s not to say no one can ever date their therapist’s daughter, merely that discretion in this case is probably the better part of valor. Imagine yourself trying to avoid both an ex-therapist and an ex-girlfriend at your local drugstore at the same time six months from now. If that mental image makes the South Floridian dating scene seem a little more appealing, head for greener pastures.

Q. Dog not on bed: I love my boyfriend and I love dogs, but not on my bed. He has two huge dogs that he sleeps with, and if I stay over I always end up getting crowded out to the couch or accidentally pushing a dog off the bed. And I have to remind him to put them out of the room when we have sex. He doesn’t care. He usually spends the night at my house, but we are talking about him moving in as his rent is going up. I have a nice home with nice furniture: My dog is trained not to get up on them. My boyfriend gets upset when I tell him we need to train his dogs. We argue about it because I want to do it now before he moves in, and he says he doesn’t have time right now and we can do it later. His lease ends in two months. What should I do? It feels like a stupid point to pause our relationship over but it bugs me that he wouldn’t do this small act for me.

A: “We can do it later” means, in this case, “we will never do it, and when I move in with you I will continue to let the dogs push you out of bed, and ‘forget’ to move them when we have sex.” There’s nothing “stupid” about not wanting to get pushed off your own bed and onto the couch every night in your own home or for not wanting to accidentally kick a dog out of bed in your sleep. Make it a precondition of living together that the dogs are trained to sleep in their own beds. If your boyfriend can’t or won’t do that, don’t move in with him.

Q. Family money: I’m a trans woman. My mom freaked out when I tried to express how I felt as a kid and always forced me to wear typical boy’s clothes and play with appropriately masculine toys. My Aunt D (her sister) was the complete opposite. Growing up, I spent at least one weekend a month at her house while Mom partied. She let me wear dresses and play with dolls and makeup. I had my own closet and toy box at her house filled with my “real” clothes and toys—things that would have been thrown away if they appeared at my mom’s house. She was incredibly supportive and, truthfully, was more mother to me than my actual mother.

Sadly, Aunt D passed away a few months ago after a brutal, but thankfully brief, battle with cancer. I was and still am heartbroken. Thankfully I have a loving partner and wonderful friends to help me through the grief. My family has been less supportive. Except for a few thousand dollars put into a trust for my half-sister, Aunt D left everything to me. She was a very hard worker and good with money, though I was still shocked by the amount. My mother and sister were livid when they found out, feeling that Aunt D should have provided more for my sister, and are now demanding that I split my inheritance with her. The thing is, my aunt tried very hard to develop a close loving relationship with my sister as she did with me, but my sister just didn’t care. She’s a lot like my mother—very narcissistic and only interested in people who can do things for her. She once claimed that spending too much time with Aunt D would turn her into a “freak like me.” I’m tired of being hounded by her and my mother, but I also feel like she shouldn’t profit from my aunt’s death when she was so dismissive of her while she was alive. What should I do?

A: Stop taking their calls and emails and texts. If all your mother and sister have ever done for you is mock your identity and demand money from you, you should feel free to ignore their future requests with a clear conscience. If they’re not able to take “No” for an answer, then you should feel free to ignore them entirely.

Q. Boyfriend wants to do everything together: I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine months and while he’s great for the most part, he wants me to pursue his hobbies X and Y with him even though I’m not interested (after trying them out a few times, of course). I’ve always believed in maintaining separate interests outside a relationship while also having shared common interests, but it’s gotten to the point where he accuses of me not being open-minded when I decline his request to do X and Y. I don’t want to break up with him over this, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s stressing me out every single time I say no even though I’ve already explained I’m not interested already! How can I remedy this situation?

A: “I’m glad you want us to spend time together, and I’m glad that mountain juicing/Paleo Sudoku/reverse cosplay brings you so much joy, but I’m not interested in merging hobbies, and I actually enjoy maintaining separate interests in a relationship. I’m getting the impression you don’t feel the same way. In an ideal version of our relationship, how often do you see me accompanying you on these outings?” You may not want to break up over this, and I don’t think you should reach for the breakup as your first option right away, but this is an opportunity to determine whether you two have compatible ideas of what a relationship looks like. If he wants a girlfriend who’s willing to participate in his hobbies as much as he does, and you don’t, then a breakup is not only inevitable but desirable so you two don’t drive one another wild with frustration and opposing expectations.

Q. Is it cold feet?: I’m engaged to be married. My fiancé and I have been together for five years, and we’ve been planning our wedding now for six months—it’ll be in June so we have a couple of months to go. In the past few weeks I’ve been starting to feel really nervous about the whole thing. Last night, I was making wedding centerpieces with a friend of mine and I confessed that I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married. My friend said it was cold feet and that everybody feels that way. I’m not sure. It isn’t that I don’t love my fiancé. I just don’t know if I want to get married to him, or to anyone for that matter. My parents and his are both divorced. (His father has been married/divorced five times!) Most of my friends are either divorced or having trouble. I just don’t know if spending all this money on a wedding is worth it, if it is only going to end in a few years anyway. How can you tell if feeling the jitters before a wedding is cold feet, or something else?

A: I do not have a rock-solid rubric for distinguishing between garden-variety cold feet and Serious Doubts, but I do believe that an excellent treatment for commitment-related anxieties is to share them. Even if “everybody feels that way,” that’s no reason to keep your fears to yourself. You don’t have to burst into your fiancé’s room shouting “I’M NOT SURE ABOUT YOU, GUY,” but you can—and should!—say that you’re feeling nervous and anxious at the prospect of getting married, and that you wanted to share that with him not as preparation for running out on him, but so he can know what’s going on with you, both good and bad. You might also consider premarital counseling, which is a great investment, even if the wedding is only a few months away. Whether these jitters are cold feet or something else, they’re worth addressing now, not sweeping under the rug.

Q. The sanctity of sleep: Mallory, you’ve talked a lot lately about the moral decrepitude of those who interrupt the sleep of others—those who allow their alarms to run for hours, those who awaken sleeping spouses (no arguments here, those people are awful). But you’ve also decried the snooze button and those who need multiple alarms. But what else is a heavy sleeper to do? I have always needed very loud, very insistent alarms to wake me. My high school alarm clock woke the whole house, but it was the only way for me to get out of bed in time short of being shaken awake manually by another person. I quickly learn to snooze any alarm in my sleep, and it’s not a choice I’m really making when I’m half-asleep. Vibrating smartwatch alarms are easily slept through or snoozed. I don’t have a sleep disorder, I’m just a very heavy sleeper and not a morning person. What should we be doing? What is your solution for the other end of the snooze stick?

A: There is an important caveat to the No Snooze Buttons rule: If your sleep partner doesn’t mind, or if you sleep alone, you can hit snooze as often as you like. You don’t say that you have a partner or roommate who’s irritated by your repeat alarms, and there’s nothing wrong with the snooze button as long as it’s not disturbing someone else who’s trying to sleep. I’m not anti–snooze button qua snooze button nor against heavy sleepers as a class of people. Being difficult to wake up is not a sign of moral turpitude; it’s just how your brain works. The problem begins only when this behavior negatively affects other people and the heavy sleeper in question does nothing to change their morning routine.

That said, if you’re looking for ways to keep yourself from half-consciously hitting snooze without realizing it, put your phone on the other side of the room so you have to get up to turn it off in the morning.

Q. Re: Shrunken ethics: I have worked in the mental health field for 25 years as a support staff to therapists (master’s-level clinical social workers). My understanding has been that they avoid speaking about their personal lives and family members as much as possible. My understanding has been that it is considered a major distraction to the patient’s care and creates undesirable boundary issues. One of my supervisors (a master’s-level therapist) carefully explained once that she and her family have a routine in case she bumps into a client in public. It involved the family member discreetly leaving the area to avoid any interaction with or meeting their relative’s client. I am surprised by your response as I had never heard that there are different ethics for psychologists vs. psychotherapists.

A: Bearing in mind that I am neither a psychologist nor a therapist, and may very well be wrong, I was merely referring to the formal code of ethics that psychologists must abide by. It certainly seems like the therapist in question has done something unusual, but it sounds (to this layperson at least) like more of a boundary crossing rather than a boundary violation—potentially hazardous, and something most therapists would avoid, but not necessarily a violation of ethics. If there are any therapists out there who want to offer their professional opinions of this person’s behavior, please chime in!

Q. Rude or kind?: Two days ago, I was in a local coffee shop eating a bagel that had cream cheese on it. As I was finishing and reading my book, a man approached me from the other side of the room with two napkins motioning very largely for me to wipe my mouth, which had a tad of cream cheese on it. To me, this comes across as rude because I already had a napkin visibly handy—and in a crowded shop, seemed unnecessary and embarrassing to point out. My family thinks this wasn’t in the slightest rude but helpful. What do you think?

A: It was kind of rude. It’s not rude enough to find him and tell him off, so there’s not really anything you can do about it, but if it helps you to think, “That guy was trying to be helpful but came across as a little presumptuous and rude,” then you have my express permission. It is also fine to forget about it! Let the moment, like the cream cheese, pass out of your life.

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Help! My Mansplaining Boyfriend Keeps Telling Me I’m Doing It Wrong.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 19:03:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. He’s already trying to fix me: My boyfriend of more than a year has gotten into a habit of giving me “helpful suggestions” on how to do things better, ranging from how to organize my home to how to chop vegetables. The thing is that I have my life together—I have a stable job, supportive friends, and my own home.

I’m at the point where I just ignore him or do something the way he suggested. I always considered myself to be an independent and capable woman, but I’m starting to feel insecure and stressed. I’ve broached the fact that we may not be compatible, but he tells me I’m the one he loves and that he wants to be with me and is just trying to help me improve my life.

I think I should break up with him, right?

A: One person’s “helpful suggestions” can be another’s “ceaseless barrage of uninvited criticism.” The real key is how he responded when you told him you didn’t appreciate his unsolicited advice. He didn’t say he understood and tried to back off; he said he’s “just trying to help” and persists in the behavior even though you’ve told him it’s not helping. Set him free to find a woman who chops her vegetables just the way he thinks they ought to be chopped, and find yourself someone who knows when to offer advice and when to embrace difference.

Q. Gift etiquette for sibling’s second marriage: A number of years ago my sister was in a relationship with a man who developed terminal lung cancer. They decided to elope before he died and had a trip to Las Vegas with friends. As a wedding gift my wife and I spent around $300 to buy them tickets to a show there.

Flash forward to now: My sister, after much mourning, has been able to move on and is engaged to marry a different man this fall. What obligations do I and her other family members have for gifts? I wouldn’t have felt as obligated for a second marriage after a divorce, but what’s the etiquette for a widow (or widower)?

A: If you can afford to, give your sister a wedding gift. It doesn’t have to break your monthly budget, but get her something as a gesture of love and support, and send a kind note along with it.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week’s chat.

From Worm to Book

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 10:00:00 GMT

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant, and when I found out he stopped the affair a year ago. During the time of his affair if I tried to talk to him he would either not hear me or give a quick response to get back to his phone. If I persisted he would get angry and leave. As I was on bed rest I ignored it and just withdrew into myself to keep my blood pressure from going up and putting my pregnancy in any more jeopardy. My issue is that while he was cheating on me I got used to him ignoring me. So much so that when we have time to ourselves I would much rather read a book than have a conversation. It just became a habit to try to do things on my own. I can sense he is getting frustrated with my always reading or doing individual activities instead of having more couple time. How can I break the habit?

—Too Much Me Time

It’s a habit you developed to protect yourself, and it will likely take a while to change. You knew asking your husband for some attention or affection would likely result in getting ignored or outright rejected, and rather than put yourself through that pain on a regular basis, you developed a coping strategy that kept you feeling safe, or at least safely distracted.

You say that your goal is to reduce this habit and establish a greater sense of intimacy with your husband, so I hope he’s made some serious apologies and spent an enormous amount of time and energy atoning for his behavior. I’m more than a little worried that you can “sense he is getting frustrated” with your increased self-sufficiency, because it suggests he has an expectation that things will return to “normal” on their own, without continued, good-faith effort on his part. Moreover, it suggests that he’s still not using his words to communicate with you, just indirectly making it clear when he’s displeased, which was the problem in the first place. If you two aren’t able to have regular, honest, loving conversations about how you want to spend time together and how to re-establish trust, then couples’ counseling should be your very first stop.

Beyond that—how would you like your husband to spend time with you? If you want to open back up, put down your book, and trust him again, what can he do to help that along? Do you want him to take you out on dates? Cook meals together? Ask you about your day? He might ask you to tell him about the book you’re reading, for example. It’s not just a matter of habit, as if your newfound preference reading is the sole barrier to intimacy between you and your husband. It’s whether you can both rekindle the trust and connection that should lie beneath whatever you “choose to do” together. If you put down the book and try to talk to your husband, he will have to really be there in a way he wasn’t before. If he can’t or won’t do that, it doesn’t matter what you do. He’s got to meet you well more than halfway.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m a 28-year-old guy, and I finally got my first girlfriend earlier this year. Then, out of nowhere, she broke up with me. She said she didn’t see it going long-term so it made sense to end it early, though there really wasn’t any conflict. We only dated for two months, and it was great. We seem to connect fine even after our breakup. But one thing she told me that’s stuck is that I won’t do well dating online because none of my “great qualities” come across there. And I have struggled tremendously with online dating my whole adult life. I don’t get matched often and my messages often get ignored, but I’m reasonably attractive and I have a lot going on in my life.

I am very busy with my career and my new campaign for political office, so I can’t spend tons of time meeting women in person. I established some confidence from the relationship, but it has been completely wiped away in the months since then.

—Digitally Undesirable

I want to encourage you not to give too much weight to the words of your ex, which is advice I think we should all be generally ruled by. Her criticism is also unhelpfully vague—what good qualities of yours are somehow impossible to communicate through either words or photographs? Moreover, many online daters experience a low response rate and have to spend a lot of time wading through detritus before they manage to go on a successful date; most of what you’ve described is a not terribly unusual part of the experience. You haven’t experienced “online dating failure,” you’ve just experienced online dating. That said, if you think it’s unlikely you’ll meet anyone in meatspace and want to continue dating online, one option would be to hire a professional (they exist!) to help you touch up your profile and send fewer, more judicious, messages. This isn’t a guarantee, mind you; and most importantly, this is just to get neutral, experienced advice for playing the online-dating game. What you do to build a relationship after that is an entirely different question.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I are very similar politically, so we rarely argue about hot-button topics. He’s a Silicon Valley engineer who believes H-1B visas have depressed wages in his field, although I’ve never heard him express any other negative thoughts or feelings about immigrants. He’s a registered Democrat and voted for Hillary Clinton.

He subscribes to an “immigration reform” newsletter that I’ve recently learned has ties to white supremacists. He never even reads the newsletter, but he’s given the organization money in the past so he’s on their mailing list. (I don’t think he donates regularly.) I think he should disavow the organization and get off their mailing list, but he seems unperturbed. Should I push the issue or not worry about it? He shrugged off my concerns about his name being on the rolls of this organization. Again, I’ve never heard him express any racist ideas; he just thinks wages would be higher for engineers in Silicon Valley if there wasn’t so much competition from engineers from overseas.

—Cancel Our Membership

Ask your boyfriend this: “You now know, as I do, that this organization you’ve supported financially has ties to white supremacist groups. Can you explain to me why this doesn’t bother you?” His answer may help clarify your next move.

* * *

Dear Prudence: The “Dickensian” Edition

Hear more Prudie at Slate.com/PrudiePod.

Dear Prudence,
I work for a tech company where the men outnumber the women. On the elevators in our building, men often go out of their way to ensure the women exit first. This drives me nuts—it’s one thing to hold the door open for everyone, but it’s another to do it just for female co-workers. Sometimes men who are closest to the doors will shift around awkwardly to let me out ahead of them rather than just exiting first themselves, which would be easier for everyone. Is there anything I can say to make it clear that’s not necessary? I generally try “Please, go ahead” or “You’re closer to the door, after you,” but should I be more direct?

—Stuck on the Elevator

Some of the specifics of polite public behavior may change over time, but a good general guiding principle is to make sure your behavior increases the convenience and comfort of the people around you, rather than confusing or delaying them. Those male co-workers who regularly throw themselves against the walls to make sure you get to walk out first end up maximizing the time everyone spends cramped in a small space. It may help them feel chivalric (a feeling that might be an especially competed-for resource, given the gender ratio), but it’s not actually benefiting you at all. That said, delivering a lecture about efficient exit strategies in the middle of an elevator isn’t much better. You can’t get much more direct than “Please go ahead, you’re closer to the door” without going into a whole spiel about efficient exit strategies. Your response is the only polite deferral imaginable; anything beyond that would match one social breach with another.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Last summer, I met John during an internship. We quickly became close and developed a friends-with-benefits relationship about three months in. When the internship ended, we visited each other (he lives about an hour’s flight away), and just as I realized that I was falling for him, he broke things off. When I asked why, he mumbled something about “not really connecting on a deeper level.” This was both surprising and hurtful: I thought we were quite close and intellectually and sexually compatible. I fell for him in the first place because I thought we were connecting on a deep level. I’d made it clear from the start I wanted to keep things casual, so I know commitment and/or being long-distance weren’t an issue, so he must have genuinely thought there was something wrong with our connection. We'll be living in the same city starting next autumn, and I'm not sure what to do—I'd love to reconnect with him but not if we have diametrically opposed views on our “relationship.” Help!

—The One That Got Away

Do not get back in touch with John! This guy dumped you only recently and if you try to “reconnect” with him once you’re living in the same city, you’ll likely just be asking for him to reject you again. You two were only friends for about three months before you started sleeping together, so it’s not as if you had a solid, yearslong foundational friendship you could try to rebuild with him. It sucks when somebody likes you less than you like them, but you should find someone else to connect with—somebody whose views of your relationship aren’t diametrically opposed to yours. But take note: Finding someone compatible is much easier when you are honest with the other person (and yourself) about how casual or how deep a connection you really want.

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No Backsies

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 13:15:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. This time around: When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I was really nervous about the prospect of fatherhood and wasn’t the kindest. After denying the pregnancy was even real, I asked her to abort and said if she didn’t I hoped she miscarried. She had a rough pregnancy health-wise and says she felt very alone. Now, five years later, I love my child dearly and deeply regret my reaction during the first trimester, but my wife will not move past it. She says it deeply hurt her, and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to get over it despite my explaining the fear that caused my reaction. I want another child, but she’s afraid of my reacting in the same way. She thinks I am a great father to our existing child. How can I convince her it will be different this time around?

A: It’s good that you now love your child and that you’ve been able to acknowledge, to a certain extent, your past wrongdoing, but you have not correctly identified the scale of your bad behavior. Being “really nervous” and “not the kindest” during a partner’s pregnancy is not the same thing as saying “I hope you have a miscarriage” or denying your partner is pregnant at all. They’re not even in the same ballpark. What you did was abusive, horrifyingly cruel, and wildly beyond the pale of normal behavior. If nothing else, I hope you realize that this was not a standard part of being a nervous first-time parent, and that absolutely nothing could have justified the things you said or did to your wife.

Your goal, at this point, should not be convincing your wife to have another child with you. Your goal should be repairing the enormous damage you caused her, making genuine amends, and becoming a different kind of person with a different relationship to fear and anger. Realize, if nothing else, that the reason your wife does not seem able to “get over it” despite your explaining your behavior was motivated by fear, is that the excuse you are offering is flimsy and pathetic. If all you do is flip from trying to force your wife to have an abortion against her will to trying to force her to have another child against her will, you will merely have shifted your method of abusing her. Listen to your wife when she says she does not want to have another child with you. Listen to her when she tells you how you made her feel during her pregnancy. Do not approach these conversations with an agenda or a list of excuses—simply listen. Seek help from a counselor in dealing with your anger management and abusive behavior. Accept the consequences of your actions, and deal with the fact that you may not get the second child you want because of your past actions. Don’t worry about convincing your wife “it will be different this time around.”

Q. To ask or not to ask: My partner and I have been struggling with infertility, and it may be that we need IVF in order to have a child. IVF is not covered by either my or his health insurance and will be extremely expensive ($10,000 to $18,000). We will be applying for grants, etc., but even the grants will probably not cover all the costs. I know my father would almost certainly help us out if asked. Mom is a different story. My mother and I no longer have a relationship because she tends to insult and belittle me. Lately, she has been telling anyone who will listen that she is retiring soon and won’t be able to take care of us children anymore ... even as she and her new husband vacation in Mexico. However, I will probably see her later this month at my younger brother’s graduation. Do you think it would be worth it to ask her if she would help us pay for IVF? I think she might be insulted if we don’t ask, even if/when she rejects us. Also, this would be her first grandchild.

A: I don’t think I can advise you to do anything that might encourage your mother’s sense of entitlement when it comes to insulting and belittling you. In general, if you don’t have a relationship with someone, I don’t think you’re in much of a position to ask for a loan or gift. Morever, if your mother were to give you and your partner the money, it sounds like she would have no qualms about holding the debt over your heads and reminding you at every opportunity how much you owe her. I think you would quickly find the cash wasn’t worth the hassle that came with it.

Q. Office smells: I was hoping you could help settle an office dispute. I work in a small office of about 15 people. Our break room is small, and many of us eat lunch together there. Recently, a co-worker, “Alice,” brought tuna salad for lunch. Another co-worker at the next table, “Sarah,” was very upset that she had done so and proceeded to loudly tell Alice that her food smelled disgusting. She said that she was very offended that Alice had even thought bringing that would be OK, and that everyone who works in a public space should consider those around her. She ended by telling Alice that she should go somewhere else to eat. Alice came right back at her and said that she had a right to eat what she wanted, that Sarah wasn’t allergic to it, and that she could go somewhere else if she didn’t like her meal. Sarah ended up storming out in anger, and they haven’t really spoken since. While most of us have tried not to be drawn into the argument, the office is pretty evenly split about who was right. Personally, I feel that Sarah is overly sensitive about many things and that Alice had the right to eat what she pleases. If someone is allergic to a certain food or has genuine sensitivities to smell (like perfume) that make them ill, I can see being considerate and accommodating. However, Sarah simply didn’t like it and thought that it was rude to bring something with a strong smell to a public place. No one else was bothered by it. Who was right? What is the line between the right to eat what you please and the possibility of offending someone else? Thank you!

A: First the bad news: I will never be able to truly solve this dispute. As long as there are offices and food, there will be Office Food Smell Wars. Both parties will feel that God and Justice and All The Best Smells are on their side, and both parties will put passive-aggressive Post-Its on the communal microwave. The best I can do is try to help this latest salvo, but there is always another battle to be waged.

My ruling in this case is as follows: Tuna is no excuse for rudeness. It might have been fine had Sarah approached Alice calmly and asked her not to bring tuna salad into the office because the smell bothered her; it’s never fine to start a conversation with a co-worker about their lunch with that level of high dudgeon. Sarah might have been right had she been willing to state her request reasonably, but she flung herself off the moral high ground the moment she said, “I’m offended you even thought of eating tuna in public.”

Q. Re: To ask or not to ask?: Last year my husband and I went through IVF. Our fertility specialist actually recommended several places to look for money to pay for it. We ended up getting funded with a loan through Prosperity Bank (an online service where can people ask for or fund loans) for a very good rate.

A: It’s a good idea to explore your other financial options! The bank, at the very least, will not call you names.

Q. Not a playground: My husband and I retired on a wooded land my grandfather owned back in the 1930s. We have a fishing pond, have several animals (goats, ducks, an old pet pony), and an elaborate treehouse my father built for me as a child. The area has been developed with several gated communities springing up among the farms and newcomers who think our property is a park. We have fences and “no trespassing” signs—it does not stop them. I found mothers with their toddlers feeding the ducks on our pond, I caught one opening our gate so her daughter could pet our pony. All of this is within line of sight of our home! The treehouse especially worries us because it is behind our house and out of sight. We have found all kinds of trash and even beer cans in it. We called the sheriff twice to make reports, but these parents don’t care. One threatened to sue us after we found her 10-year-old son exploring our barn and marched him home! My husband has said we have to destroy the treehouse so our insurance doesn’t go through the roof when one of these kids falls and breaks their neck. This breaks my heart. I want to experience the joy of seeing my grandkids in it. My husband is getting geese and trained dogs for us in the future, but is there anything I can say to these people to make them stop?

A: Since so many of your neighbors seem drawn to your property like moths to a flame, I don’t think speaking to them individually is going to be your best strategy; you might consider replacing the fences you have now with something taller and sturdier and generally harder for children to climb over. If any readers have other successful strategies for keeping neighbors off their attractive-nuisance-style properties, please share them!

Q. Single mother: My father passed away more than 10 years ago rather suddenly. My mother dated a man for a while a few years ago, but she left him because his drinking was out of control. Her friends are all couples that have been married nearly 40 years, and she loves them, but she often feels like a third wheel (or fifth or seventh). My mom is awesome—she’s funny and intelligent and beautiful and has lots of friends and hobbies, but I know she’s missing consistent companionship (i.e. a man-friend). I keep steering her toward online dating, but she won’t bite. Aside from going to weird over-60 bars, what can I do to help her? Is it wrong to set up a profile and forward her the responses? More than anyone I know, she deserves to be happy, and I just want her to find someone that shares her interests and treats her well.

A: If your mother won’t bite when it comes to online dating, don’t bite for her. Your anxiety over her loneliness is well-intentioned, but she’s a grown woman who’s already demonstrated an ability to go out on dates when she’s been so moved in the past. It may be that while she experiences pangs of loneliness, especially when she’s out with friends in long-term relationships, she doesn’t consider the headaches of dating to be worth it. It may be that she’s afraid, or a little too comfortable in her daily routine, or any number of other possibilities, but I don’t think any of them can be helped by interference from her adult child. The most you can do is express love and support for her, then let her make her own decisions. She knows online dating is an option, and if she ever wants to try it, the internet will still be there. If she doesn’t want to, I think you should let well enough alone, and talk to her about her friends, or her hobbies, or about something new that’s going on in your life, instead.

Q. Re: Not a playground: I work in insurance, and in addition to taller fences that completely surround the perimeter, they should make sure that all gates are kept locked.

A: This should deter even the most determined of young mothers, who lives only for feeding ducks with her children.

Q. Why be good?: Now that my children are getting older, I’m struggling with how to convince them (and myself) that being a good person is the right thing to do. Being unrelentingly kind and generous and never raising a fuss, like my parents expected me to be, didn’t get me anywhere. Quite the opposite! My behavior made me the target of bullies for 13 years, got me dumped so many times, and got me passed over for raises and promotions, etc. It wasn’t until I stood up for myself in a big way that people started treating me with respect. So the bully? He left me alone when I slammed him into a locker junior year. No amount of ignoring him for 13 years made him stop. The exes? When my husband was on the fence about our future, I told him not to contact me again and that I was moving on. A proposal came the next day. The boss I bent over backward for but was horrible to me? She was begging me to stay the day I found a better job.

Being nice didn’t do anything but make things worse. I think that’s largely because we’re pre-programmed to take and take and take until a dramatic response forces us to back off. These days, I don’t take crap from people, and I establish that early on. The path has been a different kind of difficult, but I don’t get taken advantage of anymore, and I don’t regret it. So what do I tell my kids when these kindness and respect discussions come up? I don’t want them to have the same fate I did, but that goes against conventional wisdom. My husband and I both want our kids to have strong spines and call people out as needed.

A: I have good news for you: None of the behaviors you described above disqualify you from being a good person! It sounds like for many years you believed that “being a good person” and “never advocating for yourself or setting boundaries” were the same thing, and this resulted in a lot of frustration and pain. Telling your boss that you found another job, or letting a partner know that you’re moving on from the relationship because you have different goals—those weren’t rude or selfish things to do. I don’t recommend telling your kids to shove their bullies into lockers as their very first option, but it sounds like your reaction was understandable, given the circumstances. “Being nice” does not mean “never stating your needs or defending yourself.” You can be kind and stand up for yourself, and it sounds like you’ve been able to figure out how to do both as an adult in ways you couldn’t before. Kindness is not the same thing as endlessly absorbing whatever garbage someone else wants to send your way; teach your kids to be as kind to themselves as they are to others.

Q. Can I ask for more compliments?: I am in a wonderful relationship. But my partner doesn’t really communicate how he feels about me very often. I am an extremely verbal person and love telling him all the things I like about him often. My last ex was extremely verbal, but his actions never matched his words. My current partner does all the right things, his actions prove he cares about me and that he’s serious, which I know in many ways is way more important. Is it stupid to tell him I could use more verbal appreciation? I mentioned casually I was throwing a pair of pants away and he was like oh no I love how those look on you—I’ve worn these pants dozens of times in front of him and he’d never commented on them once. I don’t need constant verbal affection or validation but it would be nice to receive a little more frequently. I know different people express themselves differently and I’m trying to be understanding but at times I get frustrated because I feel like I don’t even really know why he’s with me. Is this stupid and should I just let it go or is it worth asking about?

A: It is never stupid to tell your partner about your emotional needs! Tell him how much it meant to you the other day when he told you he liked something you wore, that you love hearing affirming words from him, and you’d like to hear them more often. You’re not demanding anything; you’re letting him know one of the best ways to make you feel loved. You might then ask him if there’s anything in particular that you for him do that makes him feel valued, and thus spread sweetness and light all around.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! See you next week.

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If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

On the Third Day He Will Bring Eggs

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 19:50:53 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Hi everyone! Let’s chat.

Q. Denied the Bunny: This weekend we planned a campout for our 8-year-old son and a few of his friends. Parents were all happy to allow their children to attend even after we realized it was Easter weekend. However, one mother was insistent that I create a treat basket to give the kids from the Easter Bunny. My family does not celebrate this, and the other children camping with us all are aware of the nonexistence of the bunny. She wanted us to hold a special meeting, pre-campout, to explain to all the children that her son still believes and that we all need to keep up the facade. I politely rescinded my offer to take her child explaining that we have different goals for this campout and different beliefs. That while having her son with us, we would not be able to “keep the magic alive,” as she says, and it is unfair to ask a group of five 8-year-olds to lie to a friend. Now she is angry, telling people in our community that my family is against celebrating Christian holidays. Have I handled this incorrectly? What should I have done differently? Is there a need for me to apologize or do I try to ignore the accusation and hope cooler heads prevail?

A: Oh, Lord. No, you do not need to apologize to this boy’s parents for failing to prepare a treat basket for their son nor for enlisting a fleet of his peers to ensure he believes in the Easter Bunny for another year. (How odd, by the way, that this woman would conflate the Easter Bunny with a Christian holiday; bunnies are not a thematically significant element in the story of the Resurrection.) Holiday figures like Santa and the Easter Bunny are charming when it comes to entertaining small children, but it gets creepy when adults start concocting increasingly elaborate schemes to artificially extend their kid’s naïveté. Let her have her anger and stay distant but polite; the obvious irrationality of her complaint against you will not persuade any reasonable people that you are a bad parent or a poor sport.

Q. Fun granny: This past weekend we spent some time with my family for the holiday. My mom in particular was in a great mood, something that I have not experienced for a few years. She has a condition which causes her chronic pain and has swung between depression and anger over the past year or so. It’s gotten to the point where I rarely answer her phone calls because I’m not sure whether or not I will be berated on the phone for things I have no involvement in, so seeing her in such a good mood this weekend was a nice surprise—and I was wondering what made the change happen. Well, it turns out she has a new prescription for medical marijuana that seems to be working. I think that’s great, the improvement in her mood is wonderful and our two toddlers had a fantastic time playing with grandma this weekend. When I returned home and told my friends about the change and the prescription they told me I shouldn’t leave my kids alone with her because she’s “high.” I feel like that mindset is a bit outdated, obviously I wouldn’t leave toddlers, or any child, with a “stoner,” but I feel like this is different. Who is right? I don’t want to endanger my kids or hurt granny’s feelings.

A: First off, it’s fantastic that your mother has found such profound relief from medical marijuana. It sounds like her course of treatment is successfully pain-relieving and has not, thus far, resulted in profound or noticeable impairment. Which is fantastic, and I think your distinction between your mother’s genuine improvement as a result of this treatment and just “getting high” is a legitimate one. She’s not attempting to check out mentally or emotionally, she’s attempting to manage her chronic pain.

That said, it’s your responsibility as your kids’ parent to do some research, just as you would if your mother were taking any other medication with possibly mood-altering side effects. At least at first, I think it’s reasonable for you to make sure you or your partner are always with your mother when she’s spending time with your kids, so you can observe for yourself how they interact. You might ask her what her dosage is and how she’s feeling on it—not as part of an interrogation to prove she’s an unfit grandmother, but simply to learn more about how she’s doing and how you feel about it. If you feel comfortable leaving the kids with her for a few hours but not letting her take them on an overnight road trip, plan your visits to Grandma accordingly.

Q. Best friend/girlfriend dilemma: My best friend is a guy. We’ve been best friends for years and I adore him. (There are no I’m-secretly-in-love-with-you feelings here.) He’s always had relationship troubles—can’t keep a girlfriend for more than six months, etc. Over the last year, I’ve begun to fear that one of his reasons for losing girlfriends is because of our relationship. We text 100 times a day, all of our stories are about each other, we can’t make a decision without talking to each other. Well, yeah. We’re best friends. But to be honest, if my boyfriend had a female best friend like me, I’d probably have a problem with it. I don’t want to stop being his BFF but I also want him to find a healthy relationship. Should I back off? But I don’t want to!

A: I hope there’s at least a degree of playful hyperbole in your description of this relationship, because if you truly can’t make a decision without getting your best friend’s input, you need to start drawing some boundaries with him immediately. Not because you’re worried about some hypothetical future girlfriend of his, but for your own well-being. The fact that you feel partly responsible for your friend’s supposed inability to maintain a romantic relationship may speak to an unnecessary over-involvement on your part. You seem to think this is only a problem if it keeps your friend from getting a girlfriend, but put him aside for a second. How are you doing? There’s nothing wrong with having a deep and intimate friendship with another person, but I wonder if you have room for other relationships in your life (not just romantic ones!) if “all your stories” are about a single person. Let your friend worry about the women he dates, especially since this sounds fairly hypothetical so far. It’s not as if he’s told you he’s been dumped repeatedly as a direct result of his friendship with you. You don’t need to use his romantic life as an excuse for dialing back from a 100 to a 94 on the Emotional Intimacy Index.

You say you don’t want to back off, but you also sound genuinely concerned about the degree to which you two rely on one another, and I wonder if part of what worries you is the fear that you only have two options when it comes to connecting with your friend: brutally exposed, eyeball-to-eyeball closeness and constant, ceaseless communication or a painful, forced, artificial separation. I think you have more choices than that! What if you two texted, say, only 50 times a day? If merely “lots” of your stories were about one another? If occasionally you made a decision—even just a small one, like where to get lunch tomorrow—without talking to him about it at all? If you two left room in one another’s lives that allowed potential outside relationships room to flourish? I can’t guarantee this course of action would result in the immediate appearance of the perfect girlfriend for your BFF, but I think you might find you both cherish one another all the more for a little breathing room.

Q. Can’t avoid my ex: I’m in college at a really small school, and have had the same group of friends for the entirety of the three years I’ve been here. I dated one of this group of friends for about a year and broke up with him a few months ago. He wasn’t a terrible boyfriend, but we were incompatible, and attempts to be friends haven’t been working. I’m now dating someone I’m a lot happier with, but the problem is I constantly see my ex. He’s still friends with the rest of my close friends, so I can’t go to smaller gatherings without it being awkward. He’s also almost always in my apartment as he’s close with my roommate and she invites him over, and it’s gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own home, especially when it comes to inviting my current SO over. My ex has never acknowledged the problem with this, despite attempts to speak to him about it. He usually avoids talking to me now, so I’m not sure what the best solution to this ongoing awkwardness is.

A: If your ex-boyfriend is as much a part of your circle of friends as you are, it’s likely you’ll have to resign yourself to continuing to see him at least some of the time. Your apartment, however, is another matter. Have you ever asked your roommate to dial back how frequently she has him over as a guest? Do you two have any mutually-agreed-upon rules about guests in general? It’s always frustrating to have a third “unofficial roommate” hanging around, much less when that third roommate is someone you used to date. Ask to establish some basic ground rules about having guests over together. Depending on how that goes, you may decide you want to spend some more time out of your apartment and away from this particular circle of friends. That doesn’t mean you have to move across town and ditch your entire social circle; just make sure you set aside time every day doing something you know won’t involve seeing your ex. That may involve looking for a different roommate next year.

Q. Re: Fun granny: Medical marijuana strains can be selected so that they include the chemical that relieves pain but not the chemical that makes one feel high. Some strains are specifically identified for people who need pain relief but must go to work and be fully engaged and clear-minded. The whole field is much more sophisticated than it was formerly.

A: Absolutely! We don’t know what strain the grandmother in question is using, or how she’s ingesting it, but there are lots of medical marijuana users out there whose treatment plans involve symptomatic relief and not getting high.

Q. Bad advice from my therapist: My therapist wants me to do something and I think it’s a bad idea, so I’m looking for some neutral advice. When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my older brother. For a very long time, I didn’t think this had much of an impact on me. It only happened a few times. When I told my parents, they talked to my brother and it didn’t happen again. We never spoke of it again. Here I am, 25 years old, two eating disorders and a suicide attempt later, and I realize how very stupid that was. I’ve never been in a relationship. The idea of sex terrifies me. I haven’t even been kissed since middle school. My therapist thinks I should talk with my family and get everything out in the open, so they better understand what I’ve been through. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained from this. I can’t change what happened, and as far as I know, my brother has never repeated his behavior. My family isn’t good at honest conversations—but I don’t need them to be. I would rather deal with this on my own. What do you think? Should I try my therapist’s idea?

A: If you don’t feel ready to speak to your family about your abuse, or simply don’t wish to, then that is reason enough not to do it. Every patient has the right to say “No” to their therapist, and a good therapist will respect the boundary and move on.

Q. Women on a guys’ weekend: My husband and I socialize with another couple that we met at a meetup about a year and a half ago. Six months ago, the husband invited mine on a guys’ hiking weekend. In the six months leading up to it, it was discussed often and always as a guys-only weekend. On the car ride there, my husband found out that some men were bringing their wives. I am furious at the couple for lying to me. I wouldn’t have wanted to go, and I wouldn’t have been upset that my husband was going, but I do think it’s a huge lie considering we talked about it no less than 10 times in the months leading up. I expressed my anger after the weekend and got a halfhearted apology from the husband and basically that they see it as a guys’ weekend because their group doesn’t bring their wives. I maintain that since women go every single year, it had to be a deliberate choice to keep me in the dark until my husband was on the way there. The wife began texting me this weekend (the trip was in the beginning of March) because they want to move forward and go back to hanging out. I feel that they either deliberately lied to me or if not, they have horrible judgment in never once mentioning that other guys might bring their wives. I know my husband would like me to get over it too but I just can’t, especially since their apology was, “I’m sorry but we didn’t do anything on purpose so you shouldn’t be mad anymore.”

A: You should let this go. Your friend and his group clearly treat this weekend as a guys’ getaway, and if the camping trip is anything like the meetup you all met at, they can’t control whether or not unrelated strangers bring their partners. Regardless, this does not fall under the category of “a huge lie,” and your outraged response is unwarranted and unpleasant. You have not been betrayed or “kept in the dark” about anything significant, you are not the Count of Monte Cristo, and you should accept this couple’s overtures and move on. If you don’t—and if you insist on holding this up as an example of “horrible judgment”—you may find yourself left off even more invitations in the future.

Q. Bridesmaid vs. bridezilla: When a bride insists that her bridal party get their hair and makeup done professionally by a person of her choosing who charges Hollywood prices, who should pay? The girls in the party want to either do their own, which some are more than capable of, or find someone in their budget range. The bride is unmovable. Her mother even called me to ask if I’d foot the bill for my daughter as “photos matter” to the bride. I’m currently unemployed, so this is a big ask. What is the etiquette?

A: The etiquette is, “No, I will not pay for that.”

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Help! Should I Tell My Siblings Why They’re Not Invited on My Group Vacation?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 19:03:32 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Excluding family: My family and my sister’s family are planning a beach house vacation this summer. We have two other siblings whom we would prefer not to invite.

Our two families have vacationed together in the past, so this would not be unprecedented, but in the past we invited the siblings to drop in for one or two days, rather than the whole stay, so that they feel included. This summer we’d rather just keep things simple, but we are not sure how to best handle the situation.

We don’t intend to publicize that we are going without the sibs, but after the fact there will certainly be photos or other evidence that the trip took place, and feelings might be hurt. Is there any graceful way to handle the situation that doesn’t involve inviting the sibs? If we choose not to invite them, does that make us bad siblings?

A: Go on your vacation! Everyone is allowed to break with tradition once in a while, and you can gently inoculate your other siblings against the news by casually mentioning that your family and your sister’s family have a trip coming up that you’re excited about. Don’t treat it like a secret with the potential to hurt their feelings, and they’ll likely follow your lead. If group vacations are important to the rest of your family, they are always free to organize their own and to invite you. Have a great time.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Oh, Lorde

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
My wife and I were elated to find out we are going to have a daughter! We decided to discuss names last week and gave ourselves three days to prepare our ideas. I spent a ton of time on this and even put together a presentation with each name and the reasons I liked them. I chose some important family names and some special names from literature and the arts—all of which I think would be beautiful. My wife showed up with a few names scribbled on the back of a grocery list as if she hardly even cared! Also her ideas were trashy misspelled names like Lauryn and Bethonie and 18^th-century presidents’ names like Madison, Taylor, and Polk. I was so disappointed in my wife for not taking this seriously, as I feel it is very important. Honestly, this episode has me questioning the foundation of our relationship, let alone raising a child together. Obviously, I can’t just leave now because I am committed to the child, but how can my wife and I get past this major red flag in our relationship? I have tried to discuss it with her and she doesn’t even think she has done anything wrong, so we are at a major impasse.

—Baby Name Blow-Up

I have good news for you, which is that your wife’s behavior is not anywhere near the neighborhood of red-flaggery, and after you’ve recovered from the initial shock conveyed in your letter, I hope you’ll agree. It’s not even in yellow-flag territory. You don’t mention that your wife seems indifferent at the prospect of having a daughter, or that she’s talked about child-rearing techniques that strike you as negligent or unsafe. Most parents-to-be don’t develop PowerPoints for possible baby names, and the fact that your wife didn’t write an essay for each of her ideas is not an indication that she’s going to make a lousy parent or that she’s less excited than you about having a child. For my own well-being, I’ll assume you were joking or exaggerating about having contemplated, even for a minute, ending an otherwise loving marriage because your wife thinks “Bethonie” is a cute name.

As for what makes a good name, more broadly, “trashy” and “misspelled” are highly subjective categories. “Lauren” used to be a boy’s name; that doesn’t mean naming a girl Lauren today is somehow “less correct,” and “Lauryn” is a plausible variation on the standard spelling of the name. If you don’t like her suggestions, you can say, “I don’t like the name Taylor” without resorting to, “How disgusting for our child to share her name with someone who only made it a year into his term before dying from drinking too much iced milk.” I guarantee you that there is at least someone out there who considers your “special literary names” to be affected and not nearly as unique as you think they are. “This is our daughter, Bartleby the Scrivener” may have a nice ring to you but won’t to everyone. “This is our daughter, Fragonard’s The Swing,” or “This is our daughter, Enfield Tennis Academy,” is not inherently better than “This is our daughter, Lauryn.”

The takeaway here is not to get attached to the delusion that your taste is objectively good and your wife’s taste is objectively bad, about names or anything. Apologize to your wife profusely for your unkind overreaction, then have another brainstorming session—have several—and try to bring a great deal more generosity of spirit and open-mindedness to the process.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
During my best friend L’s last two years of life, her brain cancer made her volatile and often unkind. I made a promise to her that I would look out for her socially isolated sister. Whenever I check in on her sister K, she blames me for not being a better friend to L while she was alive. I would have never promised to look out for K if I didn’t intend to follow through. I want to be a person who keeps her promises; I understand that K is probably in the anger stage of grief and hope to rise above. I put myself second during L’s last years, which took their toll on me. My friends say my promise didn’t include causing myself emotional trauma. K has little insight, poor communication skills, and is emotionally closed off, so talking to her hasn’t worked. Any thoughts?

—Drama Beyond the Grave

You offered to “look out” for K, but that doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to cruel accusations about how you treated your dead friend, nor does it mean you are singly responsible for K to learn how to speak to others with kindness and respect. From now on, make that a precondition of all your interactions with K. Say “I loved your sister and I was there for her as she was dying. It’s not OK for you to tell me I wasn’t a ‘good enough friend’ to her.” If she brings it up again, leave. You’ve tried to do your best for your friend’s sister, and you’ve already explained (repeatedly, from the sound of it) how her behavior is hurting you; at a certain point, trying to force yourself to continue in this friendship goes beyond fulfilling your original promise and becomes an exercise in self-flagellation. Think of it this way: In a way, you are looking out for K by refusing to allow her to demean and berate you, thereby demonstrating that all relationships, however casual, must be founded on basic respect and civility.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Multiple people in my life have a habit that drives me nuts, and I can’t tell if I’m being too sensitive. Whenever I do something they think is remotely odd, they laugh and ask “Why are you doing that?” and mock me for doing something “weird.” It’s always something benign, like getting iced coffee instead of hot, holding my purse the “wrong” way, or even glancing at something. I feel on edge and forced to explain (“This is just how I hold my purse”) and whatever answer I give gets another laugh. I don’t mind joking around about myself, but it doesn’t really come across as joking around. I’ve tried replying dryly with “Why do you care?” but then I come across as hostile. Am I overreacting? These people are not all from the same friend group, so I wonder if it’s just me.

—Fun or Relentless?

Since this response comes from multiple people with no connection to one another, and generally revolves around innocuous little quirks, I think it’s likely that your friends are not trying to put you down or hurt your feelings. They don’t see themselves as demanding an explanation for some perceived lapse in “correct” behavior so much as genuinely curious about the habit in question.

It’s also possible your friends are just joshing you in a spirit of non-judgmental friendliness, in which case they may see your explanations as further excuses to escalate said joshery. Getting iced coffee (even if it’s already cold out) is a matter of taste, not objectively odd behavior. Feel free to defend your quirks! But it may even be more effective not to defend your quirks, which make up who you are: shrugging or laughing the moment off may be all that’s needed to get back to the rest of the business of being friends, especially since there’s definitely a realm of normal social behavior wherein friends sometimes call one another weird, and expect to be called weird in turn.

But if you truly find their teasing observations hurtful, it’s fine to ask them to stop without worrying if “it’s just you.” Even if it is just you, it’s perfectly fine to tell a friend that something they see as neutral or even light-hearted actually bothers you. A good friend will cheerfully apologize and do their best to knock it off. Feel free to ask them to check their behavior while making it clear you’re not assigning malice as a motivator: “You may not have noticed this, but sometimes you’ll point out little quirks of mine and I’d rather you don’t tease me about how I do things.” Based on what you describe, I imagine most of your friends would be surprised and sorry to learn that this makes you feel on edge and as if you are being forced to justify your every action. If one of them occasionally slips up and truly doesn’t seem aware that what they’ve just said feels harsh, you can briskly but kindly say, “This falls under the category of things I’d rather you didn’t ask me about. Let’s talk about something else.”

* * *

Dear Prudence: The “Anti-Pronoun” Edition

Hear more Prudence at Slate.com/PrudiePod.

Dear Prudence,
I’m from the East Coast and am trying to decide where I want to live this coming year. Last month, I visited one of my best friends on the West Coast (we’d discussed the possibility of my moving there). I also hit it off with one of my friend’s good friends, and she and I have stayed in pretty regular contact since then. We’ve talked about trying to be together if she and I are ever in the same place at the same time again. Right now I have a lot of flexibility in terms of where I live. Is it a bad idea to move to the West Coast? I don’t feel like I’d be only moving there for this girl, but I also wouldn’t mind if something happened between us once I got there.

—Making the Move

I can’t promise you that moving west on a romantic hunch will be the greatest decision you will ever make, but this also doesn’t even come close to the worst idea to have crossed this column. (This West Coast city wouldn’t be any chance happen to be West Covina, would it?) You’d already been thinking about moving to your friend’s city before meeting this woman, and you’re not planning on getting into a committed relationship right away or moving in with her. If there are other cities you’ve been considering, go ahead and visit them too, and try to give your other options as fair a shake as possible before making the final call. But if this potential relationship tips your friend’s city into front-runner territory, then by all means, go and see what happens; even if things don’t work out between the two of you, you still like the area and know other people there—she’s not your only hope for a social life.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am the oldest of four children ranging in age from 31 to 22. My dad died four years ago and my mother has only recently started dating. I know I should be happy for her but I am having a hard time with it. I avoided meeting her boyfriend for the longest time but I finally had dinner with them several weeks ago. He’s nice enough but it doesn’t make this any easier for me. I don’t really understand why I’m so angry about it, but I am. I try to put on a brave face when he’s around or when Mom talks about him, but I’m afraid my resentment is going to leak out. My siblings seem to tentatively approve of him, and I haven’t asked them what they truly think because I feel obligated to set a good example. I’m doing my best to appear supportive but it’s wearing on me. My mom is a wonderful woman and has every right to move on but when I see her with this guy, internally I’m screaming NO, WRONG, NO! Any idea how I can get past this?

—Shouldn’t Feel This Way

This is such a beautifully clear-cut case of Go to Therapy Tomorrow (GT3, trademark pending). It’s one thing to share privately with your siblings a sentiment like “I’m happy for Mom, and it’s also hard and strange in some ways to see her with someone who isn’t Dad”; it’s more of a concern if what you want to ask is, “Do you feel a pervasive sense of total panic at the sight of Mom’s new boyfriend?” That’s not to say you’re a bad child for reacting internally in a visceral way, but given that you don’t understand why you have these feelings, you should process them with someone outside the family.

If your goal is to make sure those barely suppressed feelings of resentment and aversion don’t leak out in your interactions with your family, then your best bet is to share them in all their messy glory with a professional. In the meantime, if you have to keep your interactions with your mother’s new boyfriend on the brief side in order to stay composed, that’s fine too. You don’t have to become his best friend. Just stay polite and friendly and make sure you’ve got something scheduled immediately afterward that lets you release some of that pent-up aggression. You’ve only met him once; there’s an excellent chance that with time, therapy, and repeated exposure-therapy family dinners you’ll be able to get to know this guy on his own merits and not feel like screaming “YOU’RE NOT MY DAD” every time you see him.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I are getting married this month. Everything is already booked, and we’re expecting lots of family and friends to attend. My beloved grandmother is very ill in hospice care and will likely die quite soon—possibly on or just before our wedding day. I’d like to be able to continue with my wedding (and honor my grandmother during the ceremony) but I also wonder if it’s appropriate to have a ceremony at all while she’s on her deathbed or has recently died. Should we postpone the wedding? What if she dies on the day? I’m already devastated that she’s sick, but I don’t know anything about the etiquette about death and weddings besides the Hugh Grant movie. I want to respect my grandmother and, if possible, not lose the thousands of dollars we’d forfeit by canceling the wedding, as heartless as that sounds.

—One Wedding and a Funeral

There are a number of questions for you and your fiancé to sort through before you make a decision. I would suggest sitting down together and figuring out both what those are and how to answer them. Here are just a few: How much time will your parents be able to spend away from your grandmother’s side during her final days? Would you feel a sense of relief if you postponed the ceremony? Do you have an idea of what your grandmother wants (if she is aware enough to understand)? Would it be possible to recover any of your deposits this close to the day, and would you be able to absorb the financial blow if you couldn’t? How many people are coming in from out of town who may already have purchased tickets and taken time off work?

You are not, I think, obligated to postpone your wedding because of your grandmother’s illness, and it would not be necessarily inappropriate to go forward even if she had very recently died. Death is always sad, but this is not a surprising or untimely death. Consider what plans you’d like to make beforehand for a number of possible eventualities, weigh your options, and make whatever decision you feel the most comfortable with. But if what you’re looking for is permission to go ahead and continue with the wedding, you have it. It’s neither cold nor calculating to want to hold to your wedding date as planned as well as mourn your grandmother’s imminent passing. “In the midst of life we are in death”; spend as much time with her as you can in her final days, and celebrate the excitement of your upcoming wedding.

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Blinged Ring

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 13:21:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. My engagement ring diamond is too large!: Seriously, the diamond in my engagement ring is way too large! I know this sounds like a humblebrag or the rant of a crazy person, but it is true. My fiancé and I have been talking marriage for a couple of years, and he proposed over the holidays. I said yes of course. He didn’t have a ring and said he was going to surprise me with one. All good so far—honestly I love this guy to the moon and back so I was thrilled. Then two weeks ago he gave me the ring. It is huge, like something one of the Real Housewives would sport, and it is just not my thing. I am not a jewelry person at all. I hadn’t given much thought to a ring, but I thought something nice and tasteful would be great. This isn’t that. I told my fiancé how I felt and he kind of shut down. But finally he admitted that he thinks the diamond needs to be bigger than the one his brother gave to his fiancée. They are super competitive and always have been. Seriously, I do not want this ring, and I don’t want to be part of a war between brothers either. I found the receipt for the ring, and it cost more than a year of my fiancé’s salary! We can’t afford this! I don’t know what to do. This is making me rethink how my fiancé is, and I’m not liking what I see. Do you see any solutions here?

A: What an exciting opportunity to pursue healthy conflict you have been presented with! Your fiancé presumably wishes to marry you, not his brother and sister-in-law, therefore your opinion about the engagement ring is really the only one that counts. You don’t have to let yourself get encased in diamonds just to satisfy his weird, jewel-based rivalry with his brother. “The last time I tried to talk to you about my engagement ring, you shut down, but that’s not how I want us to handle conflict in our relationship. We need to be able to talk about these things, and it’s really worrying me that you seem more concerned with showing up your brother than what I want. I don’t like this ring. I’m not interested in lugging a giant rock around that doesn’t reflect my tastes and makes me feel self-conscious, and I want to feel like my preferences are important to you. I would like to return this ring and pick out a less expensive one together. I’d also like to talk about why you felt like you ‘needed’ to buy a bigger diamond than your brother did, and the fact that you were willing to spend an entire year’s salary on it. Can we do that?” Pay attention to your feelings! If you continue to not like what you see from your fiancé even after you have a follow-up conversation, consider giving the ring back altogether.

Q. Involuntary Peeping Tom: I live in a Southern state, and our home is located in a community of houses that are built pretty close together. Our neighborhood is a mix of families and young professionals. My husband and I have a 15-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. Our newish neighbor is an attractive woman in her early 30s. I don’t know her very well, but she seems perfectly nice. My issue involves the fact that she likes to lounge naked by the small pool in her yard. I found out that you can see her from our backyard deck when I caught my giggling son and his friend pointing her out. My husband and I spoke with my son about respecting someone’s privacy, that he shouldn’t make a spectacle of it, or God forbid take photos of her (I hoped to not have to say that to my kid, but in this digital age, it felt necessary to make clear). I brought it up to the neighbor in a “just so you know” way once, when I found out, and she kind of laughed and said she’d keep it in mind. But she continues to do it. And I know it’s her home, and she can lay/walk/dance naked on her property all she wants. And I don’t want to make the neighbor defensive about doing something totally legal. My husband and I aren’t even that bothered by it (although I’m sure my husband is bothered by it less), but I worry now about having people over and hanging out on the deck (like, “don’t worry—that’s just our naked neighbor, try not to peek, pass the wine”) or more importantly, I now worry if my kids have their friends over on the deck (do I have to tell their parents, like sorry, there might be a naked woman within your kid’s line of sight, but we’ll have snacks?). And if I do bring it up again, do you have any suggestions on what to say?

A: You’ve already mentioned it to your neighbor and she’s declined to stop lounging naked, so I don’t think there’s any reason to bring it up with her again, especially since, as you acknowledge, she’s free to do what she likes in her own yard. Your approach thus far seems fairly reasonable—generally you try not to look, and encourage everyone else in your family to do the same. If, however, you worry about making guests feel uncomfortable when they visit, consider putting up an awning or a series of deck umbrellas that block the view. It’s not as expensive as adding another six feet to your backyard fence, but it will spare you at least some of the worry that your next dinner party will be highlighted by unexpected nudity. (Expected nudity is fine.)

Q. He works hard for her money: My dear, sweet fiancé and I are both divorced, and in short, his divorce agreement sucks. I silently suspected this, but his lawyer confirmed it is “punishing.” For many ill-advised reasons, he signed it without counsel and four years later he’s using mediation to request some modifications to alimony (an uncapped percentage of his income for 10-plus years) and visitation (none stipulated). While their co-parenting relationship is very cordial, I’m skeptical his highly educated ex-wife will agree to jeopardize her status as a stay-at-home mother. If we married, I’m anticipating resentment at watching a growing 60 percent of his income—he’s likely to increase his income significantly in the next few years—go out the door. If nothing changes, can I distance myself from his painful finances with separate bank accounts? By remaining unmarried? Is this just a case of accepting someone with their (contractual) baggage? I don’t have kids, work, and am financially independent, so it’s not about the money for me. It wouldn’t be so hard if a chunk went to a college fund, or a trust for his kids. But, how can we start a life together and watch someone else live so comfortably off of his/our labor?

A: You can put off your marriage for another five or six years, if you’re not in a rush, or you and your fiancé could maintain separate finances after you get married. You could also get a prenup of your own together to protect your own assets and make sure that you don’t set yourself up for future financially unequal arrangements. The fact that your fiancé is currently attempting to amend his divorce agreement suggests that he’s making progress and becoming a better advocate for himself, both financially and personally. Talk to him (and a lawyer! and a couples counselor!) about what your goals are for your future partnership, what you’re afraid of, what you resent, and what you hope for as a couple. This is challenging but surmountable, I think, and you have multiple options before you, none of them perfect but all of them workable.

Q. Should I cut ties with broke friend?: My friend died 13 years ago, leaving his wife $1 million in life insurance. Since then, she has lived a high lifestyle. She bought two high-end cars, put in a spa that she keeps heated 24/7 “just in case” she feels like using it, remodeled her kitchen as a way to employ a boyfriend, and buys pot and booze for all her hanger-on friends. I’ve helped her over the years by doing her taxes, finding her a financial adviser, and keeping her home in good repair, all for free because I felt that this honored her late husband, who was my good friend. Well, she’s burned through the money, and is angry that the financial adviser can’t help her. She was warned years ago that this day was coming. I’ve tried to get her to live within her means, but she didn’t listen. She now needs to sell the cars and the house. I could help her navigate this, but I just want to walk away and let her end up homeless. Am I a bad person? Should I help her? I’m so angry. Her late husband looked out for her, even in death, and this feels like she’s spitting in his face.

A: You have helped her navigate this—you provided her with a financial adviser and have assisted her with her taxes for well over a decade. You are helping her by not intervening now. She is an adult who has had plenty of time to prepare for this day, and she has multiple options now; if she has numerous assets she could sell in order to finance her downsized lifestyle and is capable of finding a job; homelessness is not an immediate threat. Wish her the best and encourage her to take her financial adviser’s advice. That’s all the help you can, or should, offer her now.

Q. Coming out, take two?: I’m a trans guy in my early 20s. I’m out to my partner, friends, colleagues, professors ... pretty much everyone except my own parents, who are conservative, religious, and unlikely to take it well. (I know this because I tried to tell them at a young age; they threatened conversion therapy if I didn’t shut up about it, so I did. I don’t know what they made of my profoundly unhappy teenage years and continued “androgynous” presentation, but I think they believe this really was a “phase.”) I’ve been approved for top surgery, and my friends have raised thousands of dollars to cover the costs, for which I’m enormously grateful—I haven’t reached the necessary amount yet, but I’m on my way. My question is: When do I need to talk to my parents? My partner worries that if I don’t give them the chance to contribute, they’ll be (or claim to be) even more betrayed, and that even if they aren’t interested in supporting me financially, they need to know about the surgery before it happens or their reaction will be far worse. I’m just scared that they’ll try to stop me (and frankly anticipate being disowned anyway). Is our relationship inherently worth fighting for because they raised me, even if the mistakes they made in the process left me suicidal? And if so, how do you come out to someone you know will hate you for it?

A: You do not need to invite your parents’ input before getting top surgery, much less give them the chance to contribute financially. Since you anticipate being disowned, it’s probably unlikely they’re going to turn a complete about-face and offer to help pay for it. You are not in any way obligated to disclose any medical procedures you undergo during transition. Getting surgery (especially surgery you have to pay for out-of-pocket) is stressful enough on its own. If you feel like this is a conversation you’d rather postpone, then postpone it until you feel prepared to do so. The important thing to bear in mind, I think, is that the conversation you want to eventually have with your parents is “I’m transgender,” not “I’m transgender, and I’m pursuing the following medical aspects of transitioning, and welcome your input.”

You cannot “betray” your parents by being transgender or getting top surgery; you are an adult and have the final (and only!) say over your own body. Given that the last conversation you had with your parents about being trans resulted in the threat of conversion therapy, it’s understandable that you would rather hold off on having a follow-up until after you’ve been able to recover from surgery. Tell your parents in your own time—or not at all. If you decide you do want to (re)tell them, keep it simple. “Mom, Dad, I told you I was transgender when I was young, and at the time you reacted so angrily I didn’t feel comfortable mentioning it to you again. I want to give you the opportunity to know me better now, if you’re willing. I’m still trans.” If they display any sort of willingness to listen without making threats, then maybe you can figure out a different sort of adult relationship; if their reaction is the same as it was the first time, you don’t owe them a relationship just because they raised you.

Q. Responsibility: When I was 18, I dated this boy. I was a really terrible girlfriend—emotionally manipulative, mean, and eventually kissed someone else. We broke up messily, tried again, I wasn’t worthy enough, I had a mental breakdown, and I don’t date anymore. Two weeks ago, I got a message from someone who dated him. Turns out, he finds girls who are sort of like me, and treats them the same way I treated him. Since this started with me and is essentially my fault what is my responsibility to these women? What should I do to apologize and mitigate their trauma?

A: Nothing. You are not responsible for how your ex treats the people he dates after you; none of us are responsible for how our exes behave in the world, and thank God for that. Take care of yourself and your own mental health. It sounds like you’ve been through a great deal over the last few years and should be focusing on your own well-being. It was presumably surprising to hear from a stranger who had also dated your ex and felt raw enough about it that she contacted you out of the blue, but you don’t owe her (or anyone else) anything other than basic respect and politeness. I’ll say it again because I think it bears repeating: Your ex-boyfriend’s behavior is not your responsibility. The fact that you were not a good girlfriend to him at 18 does not mean you have “doomed” him to recreate your past behavior. Whatever trauma (or mere unpleasantness) his future girlfriends may or may not have experienced, there’s nothing you can do to make them feel any better; they’ll have to do it for themselves and with the support of their own social circles.

Q. Re: Should I cut ties with broke friend?: You don’t need to help your friend anymore, but it might be useful to stop judging every little move she makes. Heating her spa 24/7 is hardly luxurious—we bought a house with a hot tub and whether we keep it heated or not barely makes a difference in our electric bill.

A: I have no idea how much it costs to heat a hot tub! Good to know.

Q. Who is Mother’s Day for?: I love my spouse and teen kids, but they treat me like a maid rather than a relative. I’ve tried various ways to get them to do their share, but they firmly believe housework is 100 percent on me. Like, they will literally drop trash in the middle of a floor when I am cleaning it and expect me to pick it up. Last year I said, “No Mother’s Day until you treat me with respect,” because getting a card doesn’t make up for being treated poorly the rest of the year and in fact kind of makes the contrast more painful. Spouse said, “I know you didn’t want a card, but I bought you one anyway.” Sigh. I just reiterated that this year, unless they change their ways, I do not want to celebrate Mother’s Day. Now they are all mad at me. Spouse isn’t speaking to me. Is Mother’s Day for me, the mother, in which case I can legitimately claim some say in what happens? Or am I obliged to let them pretend that a card and a box of candy make up for being treated poorly 364 days a year? I know they “love” me, in the sense that they are happy someone is around to clean up their shit, but just once I would relish being listened to.

A: I think you should stop cleaning up their shit. Your kids aren’t toddlers, they’re teenagers; in a few years they will be living independently and won’t be able to rely on the fact that their roommates love them unconditionally and are willing to do their laundry and dishes for them. I also think you should consider leaving your spouse, because they’re not willing to treat you with respect, and give you the silent treatment for complaining about being treated like a maid. I think, in fact, that you should quit your job as family maid, whether you decide to leave or not. Figure out what you would like to do that would make you happy, whether that’s taking up hiking or a team sport or going out with friends of your own who treat you like a human being and not Rosie from The Jetsons—something that doesn’t revolve around catering to your spouse and children’s every whim.

Mallory Ortberg: We’ve made it through another week, a little wiser, a little queerer. See you back here next Monday.

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Queer Is as Queer Does?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 20:01:28 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Those who are tardy do not get a fruit cup. Let’s chat!

Q. Is my friend really queer?: A friend of mine recently came out as queer and I’m not sure how to feel about it. First starters, she has only dated men and is currently married to a man. She is a stay-at-home mother with two kids and wants another one. For all intents and purposes, she lives a very heterosexual lifestyle. I would never accuse someone of lying about her sexuality but I don’t think she’s really queer. She has always been an attention-seeker which is why I think she’s claiming to be queer. Homophobia is very real and I’m afraid people like my friend who pretend to be queer are trivializing real issues faced by gay people. How can I tell her to stop?

A: You can’t! You also shouldn’t. Your friend is, presumably, aware that she is married to a man, and that she has children, and even that she would like to have another child. She is likely aware that, married to a man, she faces less daily homophobia than she would if she were married to a woman; she is not attempting to race to the top of Queertimes Mountain and claim the Most Queer Experience for herself. There’s no Sex Quorum for calling yourself queer, no membership requirements. Let’s read her actions with the least generous lens possible and assume you’re correct—that she has somehow fabricated this queer identity and secretly cares only about heterosexualizing all day. That’s still impossible for you to prove, and in no way detracts from anyone else’s ability to care about homophobia. I suggest you take this as an opportunity to not worry about your friend’s sexuality. You are, of course, free to think in the privacy of your own head that she is not “really” queer, but you do not have any grounds to tell her she doesn’t know her own mind or orientation as well as you do.

Q. Sexual history: I have been in a relationship for several months with a great guy. He’s thoughtful, mature, and accepting. However, he is overly inquisitive about my past sex life. It’s already been established that he’s had more partners than me, and I am not a very sexual person. However, any time we are having a chat about our pasts, while I ask about childhood friends or family time, he always asks about previous partners. I feel like I’ve gone over this with him multiple times now, but somehow his interest always comes back to that. (Other than this, he doesn’t seem to be obsessed with sex, and we have a very balanced relationship.) Is this as weird as I think it is? How can I get him to stop (he knows everything anyway)? I’ve pointed it out to him before but he always takes it as a joke.

A: It may be that he’s simply used to talking freely about former relationships and sexual encounters with partners, and is still adjusting to your way of discussing your past. Or he may be asking questions in a way that’s pointed, loaded, relentless, and designed to make you feel uncomfortable. You’ve already asked him to back off and he hasn’t taken you seriously, which is not a great sign. The next time you re-visit the issue (and I think you should bring it up soon), tell him, “Hey, I’ve told you as much about my sexual history as I’m comfortable with, but you keep asking about it whenever we discuss our lives before we met one another. I’ve asked you to stop before, but it seems like you take it as a joke, so I wanted to make it clear now that I’m not joking. I’d like you to stop asking me about the other people I’ve slept with. Can you do that?” If he can, great. If he can’t, you have a pretty good sense of how he will act when you try to set other boundaries in the future, and can act accordingly.

Q. Lack of trust: My husband has cheated on me in the past and I don’t feel like I can trust him anymore. Despite many arguments and promises, I still catch him lying to me regularly. We have two small kids (toddlers), and I can’t decide whether it’s worse to live with a man I know to be a liar or to be a single mom and never get a break from the kids. I have a hard time not yelling at them already. He is a very involved father and the kids would be devastated. Also, I’m a stay-at-home mom and financially dependent on him. Would my kids be less damaged if I just tough it out until they are 18? I am going to school part-time, but we live in an expensive area and if I leave I will be seriously struggling.

A: If your husband is a very involved parent now, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you will never get a break from your children post-divorce, especially if you two share custody. While the negative financial impact of divorce, especially on women, is very real, you would likely qualify for child support from your ex-husband, if not alimony, even if you only had the kids with you half of the time. Consult a divorce lawyer and find out what your financial options would be if you two separated. Consider, in the meantime, the picture you paint of your marriage: You don’t trust your husband, he lies to you regularly, and you’re so overwhelmed with being a full-time parent that you feel on the verge of yelling at your children. This does not sound like a peaceful, respectful environment that benefits your kids, and I imagine they are already pretty aware, even as toddlers, that their parents are not happy together. Since your husband is a great parent but a lousy partner, you two might even find that eventually you have a much happier, healthier relationship as co-parents than you ever did as spouses. You don’t have to file for divorce tomorrow, but visit a good lawyer, start saving whatever you can, and figure out what steps you need to take to prepare for an amicable a divorce as possible.

Q. No stone unturned: Recreational marijuana is legal in my state. Being a generally rule-abiding person, I had never tried it before but wanted to once it was legalized. My partner and I talked about it a few times over the span of a couple of months before we finally went to a store and purchased some edibles. We’ve now ingested a couple times, both times with great restraint on the amount because my partner likes to be really careful. I haven’t really felt any effect, but he has. He doesn’t hate it, but he’s not a fan either. If I weren’t in his life he’d probably never bother with marijuana again. The problem is that I want to continue experimenting with it to figure out whether I like it and, if so, to keep doing it because I like it. While this seems like it should be a “my body; my choice” situation, the fact is that my partner is very uncomfortable and/or doesn’t like being around me when he’s sober and I’m not. He’s also uncomfortable with the idea of my doing marijuana without him around. It’s not that he’s not trying to compromise with me, it’s just that he has problems with both of those options. It’s getting to the point where I’m getting annoyed with him. I don’t want to do things that make him uncomfortable. At the same time, while I certainly don’t need to keep trying marijuana, I want to and I feel that it’s within reason for me to make that choice. Are there compromises we aren’t seeing? Is one of us being unreasonable?

A: This has little to do with your partner’s reluctance, but try smoking or vaping your weed next time; edibles are notoriously difficult to dose out, and ingesting THC is significantly different from smoking it. This might explain why, in your quest to avoid getting too high (a laudable goal) you’ve found yourself not feeling anything at all. If you’d like to try getting high again and he doesn’t want to be around while you do it, that’s absolutely fine, but it’s going one step too far for him to insist you can’t try getting high without him, either. You’re not trying any drugs he’s not comfortable with, and you’re not suggesting you start waking and baking on a daily basis; you just want to get the same amount of high that he did to see what it feels like. He is allowed to feel uncomfortable if you decide to go smoke weed with a friend you trust, and you are allowed to do it anyway, and you both get to talk about your feelings before and afterward.

Dear Prudie: I Like My Husband’s Kids More Than My Own

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Q. Re: Is my friend really queer?: There are many queer women that don’t share romantic or sexual experiences they had with other women for fear of being judged, especially if they are also attracted to men. There is a very real chance your friend has dated women and just never told you about it. Also, sexual orientation does not require experience. I imagine most of the straight folks who read this column knew what gender they were attracted to before their first kiss.

A: This is a useful illustration, I think! There’s also a seeming desire on the part of the original letter writer to litigate what constitutes legitimate vs. illegitimate “attention-seeking” behavior, as if the friend in question is somehow “taking away” attention from the “legitimately” queer, or that said friend’s desire for attention is inherently bad. It is, of course, possible to demand more attention than one is due, or to lie in order to get some, but it’s also true that attention is a pretty basic social need. If someone says “I have information about my sexual orientation that you didn’t previously know, and I want to share it with you and have it affirmed,” that is pretty healthy, normal attention-seeking. It is OK to seek attention sometimes!

Q. Do stepchildren need to be invited to a wedding?: I am in my late 50s, as is my wife of one year. We’ve both been married twice before and have children from those marriages. I had a son with my first wife and two daughters with my second wife. My daughters have met my new wife, but my son (who lives overseas) has not. Nor has he met either of my wife’s children, both of whom are adults. My son is getting married later this year. He has invited my wife and I to the wedding but has not invited my wife’s children. She is upset about this as are her two children. They want to attend the wedding and are demanding an invitation.

I personally believe they are only interested in attending because the wedding is to take place in France, where my son resides. They were uninterested in the wedding until they learned I was paying for my daughters to attend. Now they want “equal rights” and are demanding I pay for them to attend as well. I am unsure how to proceed. My son isn’t particularly interested in meeting his stepsiblings, who showed no interest in either him or his sisters until the possibility of this trip came up. My wife says that if her children are not welcome at the wedding it is a sign that I am not interested in bonding our families. This is quite true: I am not. Neither of her children has been particularly welcoming to either myself or my children, and their talk about the wedding revolves around how many side trips to Paris or Provence they might be able to take. If this were your situation what would you do?

A: You do not have the ability to extend invitations to your son’s wedding on his behalf, and he has declined to invite your wife’s children, who are strangers to him. It is boorish beyond belief for grown adults to demand an invitation (and paid airfare!) to the wedding of someone they’ve never met under the guise of “bonding their families,” which is a fiction so paper-thin it would tear under the slightest pressure. What your wife’s children want is a free vacation to France, and you should not give it to them. You might take them up on their obviously fabricated desire to get to know their new relations by suggesting you all get dinner together sometime after your son returns from his honeymoon. I doubt they will take you up on it.

Q. Safe or sexy?: I’m a divorced mother in my 40s. I have been dating a wonderful and kind man, who is solid and a great person, with whom I have a connection, but I’m not sure if he’s right for me—he’s a bit boring and not very good sexually. I also have a lover who dominates me in a kinky/SM relationship. We have been together off and on for years to fill a common need. He is married but my match in every other way, intellectually and sexually. Choosing one will necessarily hurt the other, and they are both kind men. What should I do? Choose a safe and loving, if not-quite-right man or an exciting-sexy and stimulating but ultimately unavailable lover?

A: Dump them both and find someone who’s available and sexually compatible with you. This is not an either/or situation; there are plenty of unmarried men in the world who would be willing to have kinky sex with you and are capable of holding up their end of a conversation.

Q. Repairing mistaken break in friendship: I have had a falling out with a lifelong friend over a complete misunderstanding. I made a completely innocent comment about this friend to a relative who misconstrued it (I believe innocently) and them re-stated it to the friend incorrectly with a more hostile meaning. It’s as if I told the relative, “Friend really smells nice,” and the relative told Friend, “She said you really smell.” This relative has a habit of doing such things, and I honestly believe it’s unintentional. Whatever the intention, my friend got completely upset with me, told me off, refused to listen to or believe my explanations, and has cut off all contact with me. She unfriended me on Facebook and won’t take my calls or texts. I want to respect her right to choose whether or not she has me in her life, but this is a complete comedy of errors and I can’t get over feeling like I ought to be able to get through to her. Should I give up and throw away our friendship or continue persisting?

A: I’m a firm believer in the general rule that if someone doesn’t want you to contact them, you don’t contact them, but since you believe this entire estrangement rests upon a misunderstanding, I think it’s worth sending a letter (or email) of explanation. Your friend may throw it away without reading it—at which point it’s worth considering that either something else has been bothering her for a long time and she hasn’t mentioned it, or that she’s willing to end your friendship without a single discussion; either of these possibilities might make you re-evaluate the end of your relationship—but you’ll at least have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could to clear things up. After that, if she still doesn’t contact you, I think you should let it lie. You cannot force her to listen to your explanation; all you’ll have is the (relatively) cold consolation of knowing you were right.

You might consider, too, speaking to your relative with the history of innocent misunderstandings; if nothing else, consider confiding in her less often unless she seems likely to break the habit.

Q. Dumping ground: I had a friend whose house was being foreclosed. I agreed to let them store some belongings in my garage for a couple months. It has now been two years. I have made several attempts to set up appointments to get him remove it all, but those days come and go and he doesn’t show up. I asked if they even wanted it because at this point I am ready to take everything to the dump and just be done with it. Not so interested in salvaging any kind of relationship, just don’t want to be a jerk. How do I get my garage back?

A: Pick a day 15 or 30 days from now and tell your friend: “I’m having the junk in my garage hauled away to the dump on XXX date; if there’s anything you’d like to keep, come pick it up before then.” Then have it hauled away to the dump with a clear conscience.

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Help! How Do I Break Up With My Best Friend?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 20:00:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Friend breakup: I’m currently finishing my graduate program and recently got the exciting news that I got a job on the opposite end of the country at a prestigious organization. The only catch? A classmate who is ostensibly my best friend in the program also got a position with the organization. I feel terrible saying this, but I have wanted to distance myself from this friendship for the past year.

I realized this past summer that this friend is self-absorbed and externalizes blame, and that I tend to feel drained in her presence. I did not confront these issues this year because our program is tiny and our friend group is very tightknit. I had intended to simply set up some distance after graduation and to slowly fade on this friendship. Now we’re working in the same office and moving to the same city. What do I do?

A: Slowly fade on this friendship anyway! Don’t move in together; make new friends that aren’t connected in any way to this person; be polite and friendly at work but unavailable after hours. You won’t be able to vanish from their life completely, but you can certainly transition from “close school chums” to “vaguely friendly co-workers” if that’s what you want.

Q. Sick, abusive father: My father abused me sexually. I cut off all contact with him, which meant I lost most of my other relatives. He now has dementia, and my sister takes time from her work to go give his wife some relief from caregiving. I cannot be there to help but feel bad for his wife and my sister. Should I offer money for extra caregiving help? Pay for my sister’s plane tickets? My sister is very resentful that I “removed myself” from doing the front-line caregiving, even though I cut off contact a decade or more before he became sick.

A: If your sister wants to resent you for declining to act as a nurse to the man who sexually abused you, then she is making a poor choice.

You are of course free to offer money if you wish, if you think you would somehow benefit from doing so. But if you feel in any way like your sister expects or demands money and are considering giving in to keep her happy, please know that you are under no social or moral obligation here. You do not owe your abuser anything, even if he is old, and you certainly do not have to assist financially the family members who chose your abuser over you.

Chat With Dear Prudence

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Close to the Chest

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
Four years ago, in my early 20s, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and ended up having a double mastectomy. My boyfriend left shortly after I finished treatment. I’m ready to dip my toe into dating again. How do I discuss my surgeries, occasional low energy levels, and what I did with several years of my life? If it wasn’t obvious, I would put the conversation off until a relationship got serious. However, some of my scars are obvious in my everyday clothes, let alone when I get physical with someone. I tried dating a few years ago, but the men picked up on my weakness and used it to manipulate me. It seems harder to explain to guys my age. People say the right guy will be cool with it, but finding the right guy is hard enough! How and when do I broach this?

—Dating After Mastectomy

With the caveat that you should broach your history with cancer and your double mastectomy only when you feel ready, I think there’s a lot to be said for saying something right away. You say that previous men have “picked up on [your] weakness,” and one way you can forestall such predatory behavior is by refusing to allow them to treat your medical history as a weakness. Don’t think of this as something that must happen within the first X minutes of the first date. But whenever the conversation naturally heads toward your respective life stories, tell your dates matter-of-factly that you had cancer in your early 20s and that you’re in remission now. You can spend a few minutes giving them the broad outline of what happened, then move on to something else you’d like to discuss. If absolutely nothing else, this will weed out the kind of guy who would consider your having had cancer four years ago as a strike against you. Frankly, it’s not just “the right guy” who would be cool with it; most reasonable people would be able to take the news in stride, without either fleeing in horror or looking to manipulate you as the result of learning you had a mastectomy—whether or not the dates lead somewhere serious. You’ve had what sounds like some pretty bad experiences with men in the past; may you meet better specimens in the future.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
It is a tradition in my husband’s family to name the firstborn grandchild after a grandparent. My husband is named for his grandfather. Since my husband’s mother died young, we named our daughter after both his parents (think “Josephine Marie”). My father in-law was very enthusiastic about this and adores our daughter. But since finding out our second child is going to be a boy, he expects us to name the child after him again and says it doesn’t count with a girl! I think matching boy-girl sibling names are way too cutesy, and I also want to acknowledge my side of the family, but I’m furious over my father-in-law’s dismissal of his granddaughter. I am worried this will persist as our children grow up, and I don’t want my daughter to be shoved aside for her brother’s benefit. Talking to my father-in-law has gone nowhere, and he just dismisses our concerns. My husband wants to ignore the issue, name the baby what we want, and that “Dad will come around.” I think there is a deeper issue here. This has really dampened my happiness over my pregnancy. Am I overreacting or what? Please advise.

—No Second Name

For what it’s worth, I don’t think your husband is “ignoring the issue,” given that together you’ve already had numerous conversations with his father and plan on naming your second child something else. No longer trying to persuade your father-in-law is, in fact, a sensible course of action. If he presses the subject, you can let him know the matter is closed, that he already has a grandchild named after him, and that you’re no longer inviting feedback on what to name your as-yet-unborn son. Give him the opportunity to gracefully get a hold of himself and realize what an honor it is to have anyone named after you. If he does, you can consider this a weird, self-absorbed blip, and move on. I don’t think it’s a sure thing he will ignore his granddaughter once your son is born. You say he adores her, so it’s likely this strange fixation on his grandson’s name has more to do with identifying with an AMAB child than it does with a desire to cast his granddaughter aside. The former still has plenty to do with sexism and outdated gender ideas, to be sure, but it’s not a guarantee that he’s going to be a lousy grandfather. Just say no, refuse to brook further discussion on the subject, and see how it goes.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Recently an encounter with my partner’s father went very wrong. He started using a racial slur in my home and persisted even after my partner asked him to stop. I asked him again to stop and he started calling me names, so I told him to leave. According to my partner’s mother (who supports us), my partner’s father now thinks I am a literal witch and he has taken my partner out of his will. My partner and his father have had numerous problems in the past, and I know that he will not apologize and will likely say more hateful things to me. I also know that I will have to see him again and I want to know what is the best way to handle this. I have never, ever fought with someone like this, especially not with a partner’s family. I feel ashamed, though I know that my partner stands with me. Do I approach him as I normally would? Go “gray rock“ with him?

—At Odds

I’m not sure why you or your partner “have to” see his father again. Presumably if a casual acquaintance came into your home, started using racial slurs until you had to force them to leave, then later refused to apologize, you would not continue seeing them socially; I see no reason why you should behave differently just because your partner has the misfortune to be related to this guy. There are basic rules that govern civil human interactions, and refraining from (or at least apologizing for) hateful, racist behavior has got to be the most easily achievable of them all. If you had to live with your partner’s father out of financial necessity, I might advise you to keep your interactions with him limited and neutral, but you and your partner are both independent adults, and even if your partner has to visit his father, you do not. Since his father doesn’t believe he did anything wrong and is likely to behave similarly in the future, I think you (and your partner) should re-evaluate whether you want to spend any time with him at all.

Dear Prudie: I like my stepdaughters better than my own kid—am I a terrible mother?

Hear more Prudence at Slate.com/Prudiepod.

Dear Prudence,
My sister went through a very difficult time in her 20s that was marked by alcoholism, depression, periodic homelessness, and more than one arrest and conviction. For a couple of years, she lived with a boyfriend who had addiction issues but was otherwise a very nice guy who cared about her. He got into much more serious legal trouble than she did and is currently serving 20 years for a string of robberies.

For a while my sister kept in touch with him, occasionally visited, and put money in his prison account, all while getting sober herself and putting her life back on track. His family members are all also addicts, so my sister and our parents were the only contact he had with the outside. Eventually my sister met and married a great guy, and they moved abroad. Her last communication with her imprisoned ex was about three years ago. The ex recently reached out to my parents and asked my mom to forward a letter to my sister. My sister does not want the letter, but my mom is torn about whether or not to write him back to let him know my sister has left the country and is doing well, or just let the letter go down a black hole. What is the right thing to do?

—Tell Him She’s Married?

There are two interests worth balancing here. One is that your sister has the right to end her communication with her ex-boyfriend, even if she does so in a way that you find abrupt or unreasonable, even unkind. The other is that your parents (and you, although you don’t mention whether you’re in direct contact with your sister’s ex) have a right to maintain an independent relationship with this man they’ve known for years. That doesn’t mean they should offer details about your sister’s personal life to him without her permission, however. It’s also not particularly important where she lives or who she’s married to—if she doesn’t want to get any more letters from him, she can decline them just as easily from Boise as she does from Moscow. Your mother doesn’t have to let the letter disappear into the ether; she can just tell him that your sister has decided she doesn’t want to remain in contact. But if you or your parents are interested in maintaining your own friendship with him, you’re also free to make that clear, and to talk about topics that aren’t related to his former relationship with your sister.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I work in a small office with a limited staff, and we can hear literally everything that happens from our work spaces. A new colleague has the most unfortunate bathroom experiences every day. From our desks, we can hear every sound. It also smells, and sometimes she leaves leftovers behind. She bought air freshener, so she must be aware there’s something going on. Can I say something? Maybe post a note to flush twice? It is so uncomfortable and I am so grossed out I try to avoid that bathroom at all costs, sometimes holding my pee all day until I can run across the parking lot to the building next door and use the public restrooms in the lobby.

—Office Etiquette

Right-ho. If absolutely nothing else, please stop trying to stave off bathroom visits all day as holding in your urine is bad for your kidneys. If you absolutely can’t stand to use the office bathroom, please don’t wait until the end of the day to visit the public toilets across the parking lot.

There’s nothing inappropriate about posting a sign encouraging everyone to flush repeatedly if necessary and make sure they’ve left the bathroom as clean as they found it; it’s unfortunate it’s come to the point of having to leave a note at all (especially among a small staff where it may be obvious who it’s directed at), but this is the best solution to a messy problem. I’m not sure a direct conversation would be anything other than embarrassing for the both of you—I can’t think of a non-awkward way to ask someone to use the bathroom less obtrusively. Your co-worker may suffer from Crohn’s disease or a similar ailment, but even if she isn’t ill, presumably she is not doing this recreationally but out of an unfortunate necessity. The note (coupled with the new air freshener) will hopefully help, as might an office fan or white noise machine or easy-listening jazz. The human body is a necessary, horrible vessel; we all have to ride around in these failing flesh-machines, doing our absolute best with what we’ve got.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My parents are moving away from the town where I live and work in a couple of months. They’re leaving me a house with three bedrooms: one upstairs, two downstairs. We have decided that I’ll stay on the top floor while we rent the bottom two bedrooms out to help with the upkeep and so I don’t have to stay in a big house by myself. I have talked about this with some of my co-workers, a few of whom have expressed interest. Apparently, my mother let it slip to my boss, whom she knew well, that we’re renting the rooms. My boss mentioned that my direct supervisor is also looking for a room (our house is close to where I work) and that it might be a “good idea” for her to live there. Prudie, I can think of so many reasons that being a landlord to my supervisor is a bad idea. My good relationship with my supervisor is based on the careful separation of my personal and professional lives; this is not going to happen if we live together. As some of my co-workers and now my boss knows about my living situation, it’s inevitable that my supervisor is going to find out, and knowing her, there’s a 90 percent chance she’ll ask to move in with me. How can I politely decline without sacrificing my career prospects or our good working relationship?

—Open House ... but Not for You

If your supervisor is remotely reasonable, surely you could say, “Acting as landlord to my direct supervisor would unnecessarily complicate our working relationship, which is very important to me” without sacrificing anything. If your supervisor is not remotely reasonable, you might try for a polite fiction if and when she asks for a rental application: “Thanks so much for asking, but I’ve already found tenants for the empty rooms.” (You might then try as quickly as you can to find tenants to make your polite fiction reality.) Or, if you think your community is too small for you to get away with lying about who’s moving in with you, try keeping your response impersonal. Make it clear that it’s nothing against your supervisor, but that you need to keep your work and private lives separate, and won’t be looking for housemates who work at your company. This would, unfortunately, likely mean that you would no longer be able to consider the colleagues you’d already been speaking to, but that may be for the best. It’s never a bad idea to keep a sharp division between the people you work with and the people you collect rent checks from.

Whatever you decide to do, if you feel your prospects at this company depend upon your giving your supervisor a place to live, you should consider trying to find work elsewhere.

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Watch That First Step

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 10:00:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Guilty by proxy?: I work in a busy metropolitan area and often cross intersections against the light when there are no cars coming to save time, as I’m often traversing 12 or more blocks at a time across town. I’m very careful and know the traffic patterns of my routes well. However, last week, I was crossing the road after carefully checking that it was clear. A woman on the other side of the crosswalk looked right at me, saw that I was crossing the street (I was almost completely across by then), abruptly stepped into the road without looking and was struck by a car. I called 911 and waited with other bystanders until they came. I felt so horrible that I almost felt it would have been justified to press charges against me in the moment. The woman was clearly looking at me rather than the pedestrian light to determine if she could cross. I believe everyone is responsible for their personal safety in matters such as crossing the road, which is why I am willing to take the personal risk of crossing against the light, but now I feel I jeopardized someone else’s safety without meaning to. What can I do to assuage my guilt? I feel so awful I’ve been having trouble sleeping and feel traumatized.

A: Your traumatized response is completely understandable, although I’m glad to hear you’re aware, at least intellectually, that you were not responsible for this woman’s accident. Bear in mind that you did the right thing in the moment by calling 911 and staying with this woman until help arrived, and that it’s every individual’s responsibility to check for cars before crossing the street. What you witnessed was shocking, sudden, and violent; if you’re having trouble sleeping and find yourself jumpy and hyper-alert throughout the day, you might find PTSD therapy helpful. If you’d like to do something more active to alleviate your guilt, consider supporting an organization that promotes pedestrian safety in your city. In the meantime, if you find your daily commute increasingly stressful, consider only crossing with the light. Even if that adds a few minutes to your travel time, it may go a long way toward easing your mind.

Q. Sleepovers: My son and his friends are all 9 years old. A couple of weeks ago he had a friend that was over at our house until pretty late on a Friday night, the boys were pretty into the game they were playing, so I asked “Ryan” if he’d like to stay the night. He said sure, and I contacted his parents to see if that would be OK. It wasn’t, and I understood since it was on very short notice. Then this past week my son and Ryan wanted to plan a sleepover. Ryan was again unable to spend the night, and later his mother texted me saying “It isn’t you, he’s just not allowed to do any sleepovers since things go wrong and people make bad decisions.” Ignoring that I think it’s weird and that there’s nothing that can happen at night to someone that can’t also happen during the day, my question is this: We will soon be finishing our basement, and my son would like to have a couple of friends over to go to a movie and then have a sleepover as a “celebration” that the basement is done. Do we invite Ryan again, knowing that his parents will say no? I’m conflicted, and can see it as Ryan feeling left out if he wasn’t invited, even knowing he can’t come; but then I don’t want to fuel any hard feelings between Ryan and his parents or make his parents think “We’ve already told this woman no? Doesn’t she understand the meaning of the word?”

A: What an odd and vague rule! “Ryan can’t spend the night ... Things go wrong. People make bad decisions” sounds like a tag line to a very strange apocalyptic children’s movie. But if you’re aware that your son’s friend isn’t allowed to attend sleepovers as a general rule, weird or not, you should respect it, and leave it at that. Feel free to tell Ryan’s parents that he’s always welcome at your house for an overnight visit if they ever change their mind as he gets older, but don’t keep asking about individual exceptions.

Q. Dad wants to spend money to get me married!: Neither me nor my father is an Orthodox Jew, both of us being pretty happy at our small Conservative synagogue. Recently though, Dad has taken to attending the Chabad synagogue (think very Orthodox Jews: Old men who sit separately from the women, and very traditional). As it turns out, he claims he did this because the Chabad has a woman who is a matchmaker, and he informed me that he’s planning to spend about $700 to have her introduce me to a woman around my age with the intent of quickly getting married. I don’t know where this came from, or why he blindsided me with it. I’m not sure if I do or don’t want this. My research into arranged marriages has been heartwarming at best, and horrific at worst. I get that he wants me to be happy and thinks that this is the way to happiness, and I don’t disagree, but I can’t fathom having him spend that much on something I’m not completely certain about. Is there a way to gently talk him out of this endeavor?

A: Dismiss gentleness as a method entirely! This is not a situation that calls for gentleness; if you’re “not sure” that you want to enter into an arranged marriage, err on the side of not binding yourself permanently to a woman you’re not sure about. There are plenty of ways to meet marriage-minded women, if you think marriage (to someone you have more than a nodding acquaintance with) is something you want, that don’t involve your father’s direct involvement or spending hundreds of dollars on a matchmaker. Tell him straight out that you’re not sure why he made this decision without consulting you, but that he shouldn’t waste his money by hiring a matchmaker on your behalf. Tell him you don’t want to hurt whatever women she might have in mind, who may genuinely be interested in an arranged marriage, since you’re neither certain nor prepared to enter into such an arrangement. You seem sure that your father genuinely means well, so feel free to thank him for his interest and concern, but let him know that he does not need to make major decisions about your future on your behalf.

Q. Re: Sleepovers: The easiest solution is just to invite “Ryan” over for the first part of the evening and then his parents agree to pick him up by a certain time. Explain to them in advance that the other boys will be staying over, and Ryan is welcome if they are comfortable with that, but if not, you’ll be back from the movies by whatever time and they can pick him up then. Easy-peasy.

A: That’s a lovely compromise that allows Ryan to still feel included without trying to get his parents to change their rule. Thanks!

Dear Prudie: I love everything about my boyfriend except his recreational drug habits:

Hear more Prudence at Slate.com/Prudiepod.

Q. Ready to start a family at 29: I have a lovely, good boyfriend who I’ve been with for three years. He is four years younger than me and just starting out in his new career that he’s been working hard to get going. It’s going to be a bit of a road for him to work his way up to a comfortable wage, and his work takes him out of town a lot. The problem is that for the past year I have been struggling with deep, bizarre-to-me urges to have children. We’ve discussed and planned a life together, but in his eyes the marriage and kid part doesn’t start for a couple more years at least. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much, but I am afraid of missing a chance to have a family, which I so deeply desire right now. I would be OK with starting in a couple years, if I could be guaranteed that my baby-making parts will all be in good shape (all this drama around fertility declining after 30 makes me really anxious). Help me work through this.

A: If you’re anxious about your ability to have biological children in a few years, go to the doctor and get your fertility tested, so that you have sufficient information to make long-term plans, like freezing your eggs. If you learn that you’re in excellent reproductive health and your boyfriend cheerily anticipates being ready for parenthood three or four years down the line, so much the better (although it’s worth bearing in mind that it’s always possible he could get hit by a bus or change his mind; nothing is guaranteed). If you learn that having biological children may require medical intervention or likely prove difficult-to-impossible for you, then you and your boyfriend will have to have a separate set of conversations. Consider what would be the absolute worst-case scenario for you. Would it be never having biological children at all? Spending thousands of dollars and countless hours on fertility treatments if they did not prove successful? Would you be willing to consider raising children as a single parent, or would you only want to have children with a partner? Whatever the answer to these questions are, you don’t have to sit around wondering about the status of your reproductive health—you can find out right now.

Q. Friends and age: Recently my daughter was telling me her new friend Sue’s mother doesn’t let Sue hang out with friends two years older than her for sleepovers, meetups, etc. Even when chaperoned with a parent. In my opinion this is slightly odd. My daughter doesn’t have friends with a huge age gap, but two years doesn’t seem like a big deal. Both girls are young teenagers. Is this a common rule other parents have?

A: I have no idea if this is a common rule for parents, but whether it’s ordinary as houses or the only rule of its kind in the world doesn’t really matter. Your own daughter, fortunately, falls within the two-year cutoff, so it doesn’t affect you. Feel free to institute as many (or as few) age-related friendship rules as you like on your own daughter, and leave it at that. If you want to privately consider Sue’s parents a little overbearing, go right ahead; one of the great joys of parenting is privately considering all other parents of one’s acquaintance to be out of their gourds. But this is not a situation that requires outside intervention.

Q. Undecided girlfriend: My boyfriend and I enjoy different things to the extent that the way we like to spend our weekends, holidays, and even evenings is very different. We have loved each other very much, have a lot in common, and get along in many ways, but whenever I think of a life of accommodating (especially to his love of overdrinking to the point of not being able to talk properly), I get irritated, feel out of love, and even look down on him. I’m not ready to leave my best friend and lover, but I keep wanting to—how can I make up my mind?

A: You get to spend as much time as you like feeling irritated, out of love, and contemptuous toward your boyfriend as you need before you leave. Or, if you’re not especially good at hiding feelings of irritation and contempt, he may decide to leave you once he realizes every time you start thinking about a future together, you roll your eyes and head for the nearest exit. It’s simply a question of how much time you’re interested in spending kicking this can down the road.

Ask yourself why you’re not ready to leave your boyfriend. You say he’s your “best friend,” but surely you don’t normally feel irritated, stone-hearted, and scornful about your other friends when you contemplate the future of your relationship together. Are you worried about what it might feel like to be single? Reluctant to leave someone you know you can always rely upon for affection and comfort, even if you no longer care for them? Scared of the unknown? Feel like ending your relationship now will somehow invalidate the relationship you two once had years ago? Whatever you’re afraid to face, it’s likely that staying in this relationship you know isn’t going anywhere is protecting you from it.

Take another look at the letter you just wrote. You described a relationship where you and your boyfriend have such wildly differing desires that, if you two were to design an ideal monthly, weekly, or even daily calendar, it wouldn’t be able to include the both of you. You claim to have “a lot in common,” but can’t see yourself spending an evening together and both enjoying it. You mention that he loves to drink himself into a stupor, and envision your future with him with disgust and aversion. You say that you “keep wanting” to leave him. I’m not sure what else you need to make up your mind, but you just might find the reason in your own words, if you’re willing to take a second look.

Q. Gaslighting?: For 20-plus years I have struggled with depression. In that time I’ve been hospitalized twice and gone through multiple types of treatments. I am also on a number of medications, probably for life. That said, I’m afraid I’m being gaslighted. I have frequently been “corrected” on my memories, even on ones that seem so clear and certain to me. Is it reasonable for me to fear something is happening here? Or should I accept that my memories may often be wrong due to my mental health issues?

A: This is a difficult question to answer, especially since I don’t have many details about your treatment plan or the symptoms you’ve experienced, but I think I can offer you a few guiding principles that may prove helpful. If the “corrections” you receive are coming from multiple sources, and they generally agree with one another, then it’s unlikely you are being intentionally manipulated. It’s possible that someone else’s recollection of past events may simply differ from your own. This does not necessarily mean the other party maliciously intends to deceive you, or cause you to doubt your own recollection; “gaslighting” only comes into play if you suspect someone of deliberately sabotaging your health and independence. If a friend or family member remembers a certain time in your past as dark and painful, for example, while you consider it to have been unremarkable, that doesn’t mean they’re trying to gaslight you—they simply had a different experience of your behavior than you did. That doesn’t mean, of course, that you must always miscount your own memory when it doesn’t line up with someone else’s; you are not automatically “wrong” because you suffer from depression or take medication. If, however, you generally trust the people in your life, and believe they have your best interests at heart, it’s likely that you can also trust that they are not trying to gaslight you, and that you can sometimes disagree or remember events differently for perfectly benign reasons.

Q. My doctor is a Chatty Cathy: After a few visits to the new doctor, I’ve noticed a pattern. He loves to talk about himself. It’s never inappropriate, but he mentions his paperwork, his commute, daily chatter, and what he eats, and spends lots of time talking about his stuff during the visit. His care is great once I ask questions. I despise talking about myself and like to listen, so I don’t think this is a problem. But I’ve never run across a doctor who talks this much. Is it OK to just listen as long as I’m getting the care I need? It’s a medical doctor, not a therapist, so I’m not paying him to listen to me talk the whole time.

A: It is a rare and delightful occasion when to get to tell someone who has written to me that they are not in possession of a problem! Allow me to give you the good news: You do not have a problem! You have a chatty doctor, but he’s neither inappropriately intimate nor discussing topics you find offensive, and he pays careful attention to you when the topic turns to your health. As long as his digressions don’t bother you or distract him from the task at hand, allow yourself to drift merrily along the surface of his meaningless sea of chatter.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! Remember, if you want to go out with your widowed brother-in-law, ask him directly; nieces are not default matchmakers. See you next week!

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If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

The Heart Will Go On or Else

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 19:53:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: This week, let us all strive to be as keen-eyed, as decent, and as difficult to fool as Columbo. Let’s chat.

Q. Aunt wants dad to date again after mom’s death: My mother died two years ago after a long, painful battle with cancer. Dad was a perfect caretaker during her final months and was with her in the hospital every day of her illness. My issue now is that one aunt keeps asking nosy questions about whether Dad is dating again, and keeps bringing it up whenever I see her. I know widowers supposedly move on quickly, but Dad doesn’t seem interested. He’s not depressed or reclusive, but he doesn’t want to date. But my aunt keeps asking, and it’s very uncomfortable for me. It’s especially frustrating because she first asked about it only a month after Mom died while we were at a wedding reception, and it wound up making me cry, but she still keeps asking. Plus, she’s my mom’s sister, not dad’s, so it feels strange that she’s so eager to move on. What do I do?

A: I’m trying to be as generous as possible toward your aunt, but even so I can’t come up with a reasonable justification for why she should repeatedly ask you, starting merely a month after your mother’s funeral, whether or not your father is dating again. You are under no obligation to entertain your aunt’s odd, invasive questions. Feel completely free to tell her that you don’t know whether your father is dating, have no interest in pushing him to date if he doesn’t feel like it, and will not be available to answer any further questions about the subject. If your aunt wants to know if your father is dating, she can ask him. She might even consider the merits of minding her own business.

Q. Coming out of the poly closet: I am a woman in my mid-20s in a polyamorous relationship with two men and one woman. I’m very happy with all of these relationships, but my problem is how to draw a line between pretending that the only partner I have is the one my friends and co-workers have met (which I don’t want to do, because I’ve been dating all three of them for several years, and they are all very important parts of my life) and having to go through the whole tedious, embarrassing and judgmental process of explaining that yes, I’m dating multiple people and yes, they all know about each other, and yes, that certainly is very “modern.” I wouldn’t mind, but everybody has an opinion, and it always derails the conversation totally. I used to be able to get away with it, because both my boyfriends have the same name, but in the past couple of years bringing my girlfriend into the fold has complicated matters. Do I just refer to them as my friends? Pretend they’re all the same person? Try to downplay it? What’s the easiest way to carry on the conversation without having to unpick every aspect of my dating life for the past six years?

A: Since your goal is to find the easiest way to participate in lighthearted office chat without opening up your personal life for everyone’s inspection, stick to the easiest version of the truth. “My partner Esteñabeth and I went rock-watching this weekend with Esteñabeth and Grenevieve, who live with us,” or some other generic friends-and-roommates variation, will do just fine. You’re not scrubbing Esteñabeth II and Grenevieve from your day-to-day life or pretending they don’t exist, but you’re also not inviting your co-workers to tell you about their friends Michaelwards and Stormbreath who tried opening up their relationship three years ago and how badly that went, or putting yourself in the position of a lot of uncomfortable follow-up questions (“Do you all have sex? With each other? Do you ever have sex all at the same time? What do your parents think?”) when you just want to get your work finished for the day and go home to your fantastic partners. If you’re just looking for the “easiest way to carry on the conversation,” that’s almost certainly it; anything else is likely to invite a lot of scrutiny you don’t want or need at work.

Q. Mom blaming depression on bisexuality?: I came out to my mother as bisexual a couple of years ago. She took it pretty well. At the time I was also going through therapy (I might go back now) for mild-but-definitely-affecting-my-life depression. My symptoms have recently been worsening again, and my mom seems to be implying that maybe it’s because I’ve never dated a woman (I’m female). She means well, but she compared it to a straight woman being a nun and that she’d have felt “suppressed” if she’d never had sex with men. I told her it wasn’t for lack of trying, but that seems like a really inadequate response to a very weird theory and I can’t figure out how to approach it.

A: It’s sweet, if enormously misguided, that your mother is trying to be supportive of your bisexuality, but this is just nonsense and should be treated (gently!) as such. “Mom, I appreciate that you mean well, but my depression is unrelated to my sexuality and can’t be treated by getting a girlfriend. Being bisexual isn’t like being a nun in the direction of a specific gender, and it doesn’t help me when I bring up my depression, and you reply, ‘Yeah, and you’ve never dated a woman, either.’ I’m not suppressed, I’m happily out; whether or not I date women in the future, I’m still going to struggle with the physical realities of depression, as I have for a number of years.” Feel free, of course, to share less about your depression with your mother if you think she’s likely to continue to trot forth a number of well-meaning and nonsensical theories; save those conversations for your doctor and your therapist.

Q. Re: Aunt wants dad to date again after mom’s death: The aunt wants to upgrade to stepmom, although I don’t think badgering the daughter to the point of tears in necessarily the way to go.

A: Yeah, I’m getting a lot of letters to the effect of “The aunt is trying to find out if her sister’s widow is dating again because she herself wants to date him,” which is at the very least, an ineffective strategy. Hopefully she’s just being garden-variety nosy, but it’s certainly possible that she thinks hounding her former brother-in-law’s daughter ceaselessly is a good way to get an “in” with him. Whatever the reason, she needs to knock it off.

Q. Keep a secret?: My husband and I have a friend we’ll call “Philip” who recently found out he has contracted chlamydia. His two most recent sexual partners are a girlfriend he had dated for a few months and an old flame who he hooked up with while she cheated on her boyfriend. He has informed his ex-girlfriend of the disease so she can get tested but says he won’t tell the former flame. Philip admits he’s making a “moral transgression” by not telling her but still says he won’t do it because he’s worried that this may lead to her boyfriend finding out about the cheating. This puts my husband and I in a pickle. We have urged him strongly to tell her, but he won’t listen. He’s specifically told my husband not to go behind his back and tell her (my husband and the flame know each other from college). So what do we do? Do we tell her anyway? Do we risk her having a dangerous disease so Philip doesn’t get upset? My husband has thought about splitting the difference by telling her she should talk to Philip but not why, but I’m worried that may cause even more trouble.

A: Chlamydia is a fairly common and treatable STI, but it can permanently damage the reproductive system if left untreated, so if Philip’s ex doesn’t know, she ought to get tested, she might be at risk of decreased fertility in the future or an ectopic pregnancy. Philip’s not doing himself any favors with this head-in-the-sand approach, either—his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend is likelier to find out that she cheated on him if he learns he’s contracted an STI the next time he gets checked out. Either way, this woman should know that she’s been exposed to chlamydia and ought to see a doctor. Your loyalty to Philip should not extend to the point of keeping this secret for him, even if he asked you to. Tell him that if he’s not going to tell his former flame, that you will, and then go right ahead and do it if he continues to put it off. If Philip gets upset, he gets upset; if her boyfriend dumps her, he dumps her. What matters is that this woman and her boyfriend know they’ve been exposed to chlamydia and needs to get tested right away, not to make sure that nobody gets upset.

Q. Bound by Batman: Months ago, I borrowed some comics from my friend, whom I had only seen sporadically for years. We were trying to reconnect. However, I recently realized that she’s self-centered, prejudiced, and doubles down on her prejudice when called out. I don’t want to spend any more time with her, but I still have her comics and I want to give them back. Can I mail them with a note? We live an hour and a half apart, so I think this is reasonable. My wife thinks that would be a blatant, hurtful signal of a friend breakup, so I should suck it up and see her one more time. I just really, really want to avoid listening to racist, transphobic comments!

A: Returning some comics you’ve borrowed by mail is not a universally understood sign of a friend breakup, unless you include “I’m sending these back through the post because I can’t stand the thought of seeing you in person” in your note. Mail the comics back, attach a generically pleasant thank-you note, and don’t worry about it.

Q. No more tongue, please: I sincerely dislike French kissing. I always have, with every partner, at any given time. I just do not see the appeal in putting your tongue in someone else’s mouth. My boyfriend on the other hand loves it and wants to do it every time we are about to have sex. So here I am, dreading the moment he will inevitably wriggle that tongue in, and I have to clench my fists to stop myself from physically pushing him away when he does. He gets upset when he realizes I am not participating enthusiastically and takes it personally, despite my telling him it has nothing to do with him (or his techniques). I understand relationships are about giving and taking, and on one hand I feel like maybe I should occasionally just let him have his way, but on the other hand: Why do I have keep doing something that grosses me out so much? I am torn between telling the boyfriend his preference is not more important than my dislike and he needs to quit the tongue wrestling, and worrying there is something seriously wrong with me for not enjoying what is supposed to be an intimate, enjoyable act. What is your take on this?

A: It’s fairly standard for someone to expect their partner will want to kiss them (and will enjoy doing so!), so it’s likely that your boyfriend doesn’t realize the extent to which you hate kissing and is doing his best to find a technique you’ll respond to. Since you’ve always hated it with every partner you’ve ever been with and have to clench your fists to keep from pushing your current boyfriend away when he tries to kiss you now, I think you need to err on the side of making things perfectly clear. It’s not that you’ve had a bad experience with sloppy kissers in the past, or you want him to kiss you in a different way—you hate kissing, it grosses you out, and you don’t want to do it at all. That’s definitely unusual, and may even be a deal-breaker for your boyfriend, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with you just because you don’t like making out, and I think it’s worth being honest about. You’ve tried forcing yourself to go along with it for your boyfriend’s sake, but it doesn’t sound like that’s been working especially well—he routinely gets upset when he realizes you’re not actually enjoying yourself, and you’re turning your body into knots trying to push through. If you were indifferent to it, then periodically going along to get along might work for you, but you hate it. Maybe you two can come to a different agreement or maybe you two will break up; either way, I think you’ll be better off being honest about your feelings.

Q. Depressed and uncertain: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2½ years and have been friends most of our lives. A few months ago, I told him that I felt like I loved him more than he loved me, and he said, “You’re probably right.” His dad died when he was a child, and he saw the pain his mother went through. He says he doesn’t want that type of thing to happen to him. I explained I don’t need a proposal, I just need to know that we’re moving in a direction that will eventually be permanent, but he couldn’t even give me that. I’ve suggested therapy, but he shuts down when I mention it. He once said he’s OK with being sad, which floored me. I know he has depression, but he seems not to want to get better and he won’t accept help. What should I do?

A: This isn’t a very original or surprising answer, but I think you should leave. It’s sad that his father died when he was a child, but for him to use that as justification for saying, “You probably love me more than I love you” requires some pretty spectacular emotional gymnastics. I imagine that you said, “I feel like I love you more than you love me” for a reason, and that reason was that he was communicating pretty clearly that he didn’t love you very much, and you weren’t happy with how he treated you. You two are not on the same page when it comes to long-term commitment, he shuts down when you mention the idea of therapy, he’s made it clear that he’s comfortable being unhappy on a regular basis, and he’s not getting any treatment for his depression. This is not laying the groundwork for a happy, healthy, long-term relationship, and I think you already know that.

He has been very honest with you in terms of what he is capable of giving, which is “not very much.” If you stay in this relationship, it’s very likely that you will continue to get more of the same from him. He’ll love you a little, he’ll communicate less, he’ll shut down when you ask him questions about topics he doesn’t want to discuss, he’ll utilize his childhood loss as a reason not to show you he cares or be emotionally vulnerable with you, and he won’t seek help when he needs it. The deciding factor, I think, needs to be that he heard you say, “I think I love you more than you love me,” and replied, “Yeah, that’s probably true.” He doesn’t see it as a problem, and that’s a troubling sign of things to come. I know you’ve known him all your life, and you would like to be able to help him get better, but you can’t force someone to get help for something they don’t think is wrong, and you shouldn’t put yourself through a relationship with someone who loves you less than you deserve.

Q. Re: No more tongue, please: The reader does not like TONGUE kissing, not all kissing. Just tell him “no tongue please. I want to focus on our lips.” She doesn’t hate kissing and all kissing doesn’t gross her out, just the tongue. She should not consider herself “definitely unusual” for not liking tongue.

A: Tongue kissing is a pretty significant subset of kissing, especially the type of kissing that precedes sex with a long-term partner. That said, there’s nothing wrong with being unusual, or falling on the far end of a bell curve; if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t like it, and it sounds like she’s given it more than a fair shake.

Q. Confronting a bully: Years ago I was a part of a group of friends who all met during our first year at university. One of the girls, Christine, lived close by, so during the summers we spent more one-on-one time together. Unfortunately the friendship became very toxic. She would belittle and insult me until I would blow up. Of course everyone believed I was the difficult one because she never behaved to the group the way she did with me. The final straw came when she insulted me in front of a group of her friends. After being complimented on my recent weight loss by a friend of hers, she turned to me and said, “Well, I think you’re starting to look horse-faced and unattractive.” I did not react. I was completely numb. I wrote her a letter two days later explaining that I was finished, that no one deserved the constant bullying she was subjecting me to. She sent a few venom-filled letters for a while (which I did not allow myself to read) then eventually she just left me alone. Fast-forward to today. The old group is getting together for dinner soon. She specifically asked a mutual friend to ask me to attend. Our mutual friend contacted me and asked me to come with the proviso that I not cause any tension. Part of me wants to tell all of them off, they do not know my life at all it would seem. The other part wants to attend and see if she has changed and just enjoy time together with old friends. Am I an idiot?

A: She has not changed, and if you attend this dinner, you will not enjoy time together with old friends; you will immediately feel singled out and agitated, unable to stop watching her for signs she’s about to start up the old routine. You’re not an idiot for wanting to see old friends, but attending—especially under the condition that you “not cause any tension” with your former bully—would be a mistake. Your friends did not listen to you the first time around, and they won’t listen to you now. Hopefully the friends you’ve made as an adult treat you well and listen to you; spend time with the people you’re close to now, and don’t submit yourself to another round of covert abuse.

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Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.

Help! Why Does My Boyfriend Have So Many Wet Dreams?

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 19:10:43 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Are wet dreams a red flag?: I have been dating a great guy for a couple months, but it seems like once or twice a week he gets up because he had a wet dream. He said this is normal, but I can’t help to feel self-conscious about not being enough for him.

We have talked about it, and he says I am doing great, but recently I totally pumped him dry and was still jarred awake at 5:30 a.m. by him having to get out of bed and clean up. I am at my wits’ end and think there must be something more than meets the eye in this. Am I crazy? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and try harder? Or is this just normal?

A: I mean, is your goal that this guy be completely semenless 24/7? Because that is well above and beyond the call of relationship duty.

Don’t make this trickier than it needs to be. Your boyfriend says he’s happy; you two are having regular sex; and sometimes when he is unconscious, he involuntarily ejaculates. It’s not unheard of for adults, even sexually active ones, to still experience the occasional wet dream. He’s not locking himself in the bathroom and avoiding your touch. This has nothing to do with you.

I’m worried if you “try harder” after “pumping him dry,” one or both of you will experience a fatal case of chafing. You’re doing great! Your boyfriend is doing great! Everything is fine. Next time you wake up because he’s getting up to change clothes in the middle of the night, just go back to sleep.

Q. How can I advise a friend on manners/appearance without hurting them?: I’m a gay man whose good friend “Jen” is unhappily single. Guys she meets online become uninterested after the first meeting, and she finds it baffling and hurtful.

Jen’s a lovely, professional woman in her mid-30s—intelligent, creative, thoughtful, sweet. But I suspect that some superficial attributes may be interfering with first impressions. For example, Jen has trouble being calm around strangers, making odd jokes and laughing loudly at weird times (she never acts this way when it’s just us). She eats with her fingers, talks with her mouth full, and smacks as she chews. She needs braces and could use a guiding hand in how she dresses, does her hair, etc.

I think Jen is beautiful, inside and out, and these qualities have never impacted our friendship. That said, after years of hearing her lament about rarely getting to a second date—and stories about being left out of social gatherings at work—I’m tempted to make some gentle suggestions. I’m also afraid this would mortify her.

I’ve never been the “queer eye” to any of my friends; I’m just not that stereotype. But Jen could make simple changes that could improve the perceptions of people meeting her for the first time. What does a close friend do here? Is it possible to point these things out without harming our friendship?

A: If Jen frequently complains about her inability to get a second date, and you have information that might help her, about easy-to-change behaviors, I think you should go ahead and gently point them out. I’d recommend leaving the braces-and-new-wardrobe conversation out, since that’s really a matter of subjective taste, but the messy eating and talking with her mouth full are easy to fix and have probably put off a lot of first dates.

Tell her you’ve heard her talk about how frustrated she’s become over not getting a second date, and ask if you can share something you think might help. If she seems receptive, proceed; if not, back off. Be gentle, but not so gentle that you find yourself not saying anything at all: “I’ve noticed that when you eat, you often speak with your mouth full, chew loudly, or pick up your food with your fingers in ways that are noticeable and distracting. I think it would really help make a better first impression if you slowed down and made sure not to speak when you eat.”

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Will Work for Hire

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
I graduated college two years ago and spent a year looking for a job in my field. I went to more than 30 interviews, got lots of positive feedback and follow-up interviews, but never a job offer. I’ve done networking events, signed up for mentors, been to job fairs, asked for advice, gone to career counselors, tried staffing agencies and found nothing. I truly am open to critique and tough love if it means I could find my way to success. I’m not even being picky at this point. I’m willing to take anything that requires a college degree and pays a living wage with a chance to move up. The problem is I’ve been working the same reception job full time since graduation and I’m really starting to resent everyone here. I took a year off from trying to find other jobs, and now I’m ready to get back to it. How do I keep my positive face on at work? Job searching stresses me out. I’m unfulfilled, unstimulated, and very unhappy.

—Staying Positive

First, the bad news: This sounds pretty normal for a recent college graduate. The good news is that you are only two years out of college, and this will probably not be the case for the rest of your working life! But going through 30 (or more) sort-of promising interviews without getting a firm offer isn’t unheard of, especially when you’re just starting out and don’t have much experience. Take heart in the fact that your current situation is not unusual or cause for concern.

That’s all well and good, of course, but it doesn’t do you much good with your current problem, which is how to keep yourself from getting so frustrated with your job search that you can’t do the job you currently have. There’s a few things that might help, particularly limiting the number of hours you spend actively job hunting during the week. This may sound counterintuitive, but one of the most frustrating aspects of the job hunt is the pressure to spend every moment of your spare time on it. Set aside a day or two a week where you don’t comb listings, update your résumé, or go through your contact list for leads, and do something you enjoy after work that’s just for yourself. Once you’ve applied for a job, put it out of your mind and move on to the next opportunity, rather than speculating when they’re going to call back. You might also look within your current company for opportunities to move up or take on new responsibilities that interest you more than working reception; it’s possible you’d find your office less stultifying if you were able to do different kinds of work or shadow someone whose job interests you. Most of what you’re doing—asking for advice from people whose careers you admire, going on follow-up interviews, seeking out mentors—is exactly right; the fact that it hasn’t resulted in a new job yet doesn’t mean you have to completely change tactics.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and I recently came home to find he had moved out while I was at work. I love him with all I am and want to spend the rest of my life with him. For the past six months we have been having problems because his family hates me; they’ve accused me of telling them that my boyfriend is physically and emotionally abusive (he isn’t and I haven’t), have called me a liar, and refused to allow me on their property or in their house to talk and sort things out. I knew that they were angry at me and tried to be understanding and didn’t make him choose sides. I spent so many nights alone at home while he went with his family, even Christmas.

His family members were never big fans of mine because when we first got together I was not working due to a back injury from a car accident. But my boyfriend and I have been through a lot together and are happy when it’s just us. He is very sensitive to the feelings of his family and the guilt of feeling like he was hurting them by being with me has been eating him up. He told me that that is why he left. How am I supposed to fix this situation if his family won’t even speak to me and they are endorsing this breakup?

—Broken and Alone

I don’t believe that “fixing” this situation, or getting back together with your ex, should be your goal. As hard as it may be to accept, by your own account your ex-boyfriend has repeatedly chosen to side with his family over you. You say you never asked him to pick sides, but they did, repeatedly, and he’s picked them every time. Presumably he does not believe the lies they have spread about you, but he would rather end your relationship than defend your honesty and integrity to them. The way he ended your relationship was jarring and disorienting, and it will of course take time to deal with the pain of your breakup, but consider that your ex has done you a great favor. It’s telling that he moved out while you were at work without a preliminary conversation; avoidance seems to be a part of his game. If he’s willing to let his family’s lies go unchallenged, to leave you by yourself on major holidays, and break up with you just to keep his parents from criticizing him, then he is not the person whose respect and affection are worth fighting for.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am transgender and autistic, and I have made a friend who is also autistic, “Mike.” Mike is cis and straight, while I am gender fluid. This is not an issue for either of us, as we have bonded over our shared social difficulties and many common interests. We’re both enrolled at the local college, and I have been helping Mike stay on top of his schoolwork. But his parents don’t want him to spend time with me. His mother apparently heard from a co-worker that I have “stalking tendencies,” and I have no idea where this came from. I do have social difficulties but have never been accused of stalking. My college has multiple campuses, and I recently learned there is another trans student there who has been accused of stalking; I think it’s likely this is who Mike’s mother has heard about.

Mike’s parents are highly critical of me and have been trying to convince Mike that I am a bad influence and even tried to ban him from seeing me. Mike is in his early 20s, although he still lives at home. His parents seem to think I am trying to turn their son gay and steal him from them. I’d like to clear up this mistaken identity, but Mike’s parents won’t respond to my request to sit down and have an honest discussion. They are treating Mike so poorly that I fear for his mental health, and all of this is taking a major toll on me. How do I even begin to deal with this?

—Friendship Troubles

As you say, Mike is an adult and does not need his parents’ permission to be your friend, even if he does live at home. I think you should, for now at least, consider his parents a lost cause. They’re clearly not interested in seeing reason or behaving rationally, but you know that you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to prove. The mistaken identity is a red herring; even if Mike were to correct his parents’ misapprehension, they would find something else to be upset about. Since you’re worried about Mike’s well-being in the face of his parents’ treatment, encourage him to access your campus’ mental health services. Consider visiting a school counselor yourself for support and guidance during this difficult time. You can continue to see Mike at school or out in public, but don’t make yourself responsible for mediating his relationship with his parents.

* * *

Dear Prudie: A guy in my dorm sets an obnoxious alarm for early morning hours and then lets it ring for hours!

Hear more Prudence at Slate.com/Prudiepod.

Dear Prudence,
When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

—Give Her Peace?

No, you don’t have to see her. If your grandmother had expressed remorse for her failure to support and protect you as a childhood victim of sexual assault, and if you thought you might gain something by meeting with her and offering your forgiveness, then such a meeting might be worthwhile, but under the present circumstances, I don’t think much good would come out of agreeing to see her. You do not have to forgive someone just because she is nearing death. The mere passage of time is not the same thing as an apology, and she is not offering one now. Without any sign of remorse, it’s likely that what she wants is to justify herself and clear her own conscience for the choices she has made. That your grandmother is dying is sad, certainly, but you do not owe her absolution. The fact that you can pity her at all for her current agitation is a testament to your compassion and kindness. Be gracious to yourself. If you decide not to see her, do not accuse yourself of being cold- or hardhearted; protecting yourself is not the same thing as harming someone else.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Recently a friend casually remarked that my boyfriend has, in her opinion, made “lots of offensive and sexist comments,” but that she’s able to get past them because she knows he’s a good guy and not a misogynist at heart. I asked her what specifically he had done, and she said, “Oh, lots of things,” and the conversation moved on. Later she sort of apologized but implied that all men are sexist. I agree that there are experiences women have that men never seem to understand, but my boyfriend is a kind person and a self-identified feminist. He’s never said anything in front of me in our three years together that struck me as offensive. Should I ask my friend for clarification? Let it go? Tell my boyfriend so he’s aware he’s coming off as sexist?

—Friend vs. Boyfriend

There’s no point at present in making your boyfriend aware he might be “coming off as sexist” because, as yet, you have no reason to believe that he does. This is, however, worth revisiting with your friend. Either she has information about your boyfriend’s character that you ought to know about so you can discuss it with him, or she’s making baseless accusations that might lead you to re-evaluate her character. It’s one thing for her to point out that men, as a group, tend to benefit from institutional sexism (although different groups of men experience male privilege in vastly different ways), but it’s quite another to say that your boyfriend specifically has a habit of saying offensive, misogynistic things. That’s worth having a follow-up conversation!

It’s possible, although not certain, that your friend was nervous about the prospect of telling you how differently he acts when you’re not around and got conversational cold feet. Ask her to clarify. Say you were thinking about her comments and hoped she could remember anything he’s specifically said or done, because that’s not the impression you have of him and you’d really like to know. If she offers anything specific that you want to then bring up with your boyfriend, you’ll have something to go on. The challenge here is to offer both your friend and your boyfriend, at various points in this process, some benefit of the doubt. Right now you’re trying to collect as many details as possible so you can make an informed decision about what if anything is worth addressing with your boyfriend.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am a freshman in college. About five months ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor after getting an MRI for a minor head injury. Thankfully, the tumor is very small and likely benign. Nevertheless, it has given me terrible anxiety. I was already a bit of hypochondriac before and now every time I experience any kind of symptom I can’t help but wonder if it’s a sign the tumor is growing. The one thing I have found helpful in countering these thoughts is reminding myself of my upcoming MRI. If the tumor hasn’t grown significantly then I’ll know I was worrying about nothing and if it has grown, I can deal with that then.

Recently, my parents (who know me very well) suggested that I push the MRI back a month, so that my inevitable increase in anxiety does not disrupt my already-stressful schoolwork. Medically, this would not be a problem as the tumor is growing very slowly (the neurosurgeon confirmed this), but I am impatient and inclined to go ahead with the scheduled date. I feel that relieving my current, slow-building anxiety sooner is worth the temporary spike that always comes with an MRI.

—Anxious

Get the MRI! Putting yourself through an additional month of wondering “what if?” every time you get a headache isn’t going to make getting through your schoolwork any easier. Your parents may know you very well, but you know yourself better, and they’re not the ones who have to live with this uncertainty. Whatever the outcome, you’ll at least know what steps you’ll have to take once you get the MRI. Putting it off will only increase your anxiety. Keep your appointment, and good luck.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence Columns

“Come to My Window Office: My boss gave me that “look,” and now I’m falling in love with her.”
“So-So Man: Someone I hardly know asked me to be the best man at his wedding.”
“Tween Delinquent: My lazy, ungrateful 10-year-old is getting F’s in school.”
“Blood Scare: The nanny told us she’s HIV-positive. Should she still care for our kids?”

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

“Woman on the Side: Prudie counsels a wife whose husband cares more about the woman he cross-dresses as than his family.”
“I Think She’s in Love: Prudie advises a woman whose friend “jokes” they should leave their husbands and run away together.”
“For Name’s Sake: Prudie counsels a pregnant woman whose husband wants to name their baby after his ex.”
“Your Money for Pro-Life: Prudie advises a man whose sister used their brother’s death to raise anti-abortion funds.”

Love of a Good Manhandler

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 12:39:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Too close for comfort: I have always been a little claustrophobic, but it has never been a big problem until recently. My boyfriend and I were making out when he suddenly let his full body weight drop on top of me. He’s a good 100 pounds heavier so I could hardly move. I started to panic, which was made worse when I started being unable to breath, which led to a massive, hyperventilating freakout. At first my boyfriend was really worried, but when I finally calmed down enough to explain, he thought that it was hilarious and that he could cure me of my phobia. He’ll randomly sneak up behind me, wrap his arms and legs around mine, essentially making his body a cage for mine, and refuse to let go. The more I struggle the tighter he holds on. He thinks if I just get used to it I’ll relax and be OK, except I can’t relax and these sessions usually end with me sobbing/hysterical/hyperventilating. I’ve even passed out. I’ve tried telling him to stop, that it’s not his job to “cure” me, but he just becomes more determined. I’ve become completely paranoid and can’t relax, just waiting for him to grab me. I’ve stopped initiating any intimate contact and feel horribly anxious whenever he does. How can I make him understand that, far from helping me, he’s actually making me worse?

A: Please leave him. Please, please, please leave him. Your boyfriend understands perfectly well that he is not helping you. He is acutely, terrifyingly aware that what he is doing reduces you to the point of hysterical tears and hyperventilation, and he doesn’t care. He enjoys making you feel on edge, paranoid, panicked, and unsafe. He likes making it worse, and the more you beg him to stop or try to help him understand, the more powerful and in control he feels.

You say the very first time this happened your boyfriend was worried until he realized you were terrified and claustrophobic, at which point he found it “hilarious” and announced his determination to “cure” you. What he means by “cure” is “torment.” He delights in tormenting you, and I’m so, so sorry this is happening. Please know that he is absolutely aware of what he is doing, that there is no way you could communicate your distress and frustration to him that would make him stop, and that you do not deserve this treatment. This is not an accident or a miscommunication. You’ve already stopped initiating intimacy, which tells me the extent to which you feel afraid, paralyzed, and unsafe around your partner. No one should ever have to feel that way in a relationship. Break up with him immediately. Don’t worry if he claims not to understand, or tries to make you feel like you’re being dramatic, that he was “just kidding around.” He’s not kidding around. He isn’t safe, and he isn’t trustworthy, and he isn’t going to stop.

Q. Bloody scrooge: The annual blood drive is here. Everyone is talking about how wonderful and inclusive it is, a good cause, etc., and this year my co-worker has taken initiative on advertising for the blood drive. My problem is, as a man married to another man, even though we are monogamous and I am at no more risk for STDs than any other married person, I cannot donate blood and feel incredibly excluded and marginalized every year at this time. With my co-worker talking about it all the time, it is coming up even more. I know donating blood is an important cause. How do I reconcile this with my personal feelings of discrimination?

A: Your personal feelings of discrimination are merited and appropriate! The ban on gay and bisexual men donating blood is an outdated and unnecessarily restrictive one; the American Medical Association issued a formal statement in 2013 calling on the FDA to lift the ban, calling it “discriminatory and not based on sound science.” (Italy, for example, does not restrict blood donation on the basis of sexual orientation but whether the potential donor has recently had high-risk sexual encounters.) Currently the FDA does not allow men who have had sex with men in the past year, nor any of their female partners, to donate blood, even though all donated blood is screened for disease and lifting the ban could add more than 360,000 new donors each year. You can volunteer your time to help facilitate the blood drive, or donate money to the organization hosting it, if you want to help patients in need of blood transfusions in another way. If you’re looking for something to do with these feelings of frustration and injustice at the same time, consider contacting your legislators and urging them to encourage the FDA to revise its guidelines.

Q. Charitable inheritance: I’ve just received a rather large inheritance from my grandfather. It would pay off my loans and other debts, which aren’t substantial compared with others, but are of course a reasonably large part of my monthly bills. I’m extremely fortunate—I grew up middle class and privileged, which is why I’d like to give all of it away. I want to pay off my financial debts with work wherever possible, and I want others who need money much more than I do to be able to get a leg up. I have a good job now that pays a large salary. My debts are small in comparison with other people my age, and I have company-provided health insurance. I hold no illusion that any of this is guaranteed to last, but I want to help people who could never even dream of being where I am at all. Mine is a situation many people will never find themselves lucky enough to be in. I know that it’s by sheer dumb luck that I was born into a family that could help me through life to get me to where I am now. If I donate the inheritance, I’d still like to honor my grandfather in some way, but I don’t know if the charities I’d donate to would be to his taste. Is it wrong to donate, and should I keep his preferences in mind when I do, even if they might not align with my own?

A: You’re honoring your grandfather by putting your inheritance to good use. You’re not obligated to re-create his tastes and values exactly. You’re honoring your grandfather’s memory by donating the money to organizations you believe to be doing valuable and necessary work. Presumably his intention in leaving this money to you was to ensure that you were financially stable and able to contribute meaningfully to society. Luckily for you, you are already financially stable and well on your way to living debt free; give the money to wherever you think it’s likely to do the most good with a clear conscience.

Q. Mid-20s crisis: My partner and I married fairly young, in our early 20s. I had never lived on my own and I lived with my parents during university. We are now in our late 20s, and I find myself angry and resentful that I never gave myself the chance to experience life with no strings attached. We are nearing 30, and I don’t feel like there’s enough time to save up and travel abroad if we want to have kids before we’re 40. At this point, it is more important to me to travel than to have kids. I constantly daydream about traveling on my own and having one-night stands without telling my partner so I can experience what I want to and still keep my marriage. I know I would be miserable alone, but I don’t know how to maintain a happy marriage and get this out of my system.

A: If nothing else, make it very clear to your partner that you don’t want to have children anytime soon, and make sure you two are very careful about birth control. If you’re angry and resentful now, imagine how much worse off you’ll be if your partner convinces you that having a child together will slake your thirst for change.

As for the rest of it, I’m afraid I don’t have a more interesting solution to your problem than good old-fashioned painful honesty. Your partner cannot possibly grant you greater freedom and independence if they don’t know that’s what you want. You seem pretty clear on the fact that you love your partner and don’t want to leave them, but that you’re increasingly frustrated when it comes to monogamy and the idea that, since you’re in a committed relationship, you’re not “allowed” to travel by yourself. It may be that your partner shares some of your frustrations! Even if they don’t, it’s perfectly fine for a married person to want to travel solo, and if that’s what you want, you should tell your partner and then make it happen. The monogamy conversation will likely be trickier (and ongoing), but it’s better to have an honest argument, or an honest series of arguments, then start up a series of secret one-night stands. It may be that once you open up about your reluctance to have children right now (do you want to have them at all? Because you don’t have to! Children are optional!), your desire to travel and spend more time alone, to develop more of a sense of independence, your longing for one-night stands will fade. It may be that this longing does not fade, and then you will have to give your partner the opportunity to decide whether or not they are interested in navigating an open relationship with you. But don’t make that decision for them just because you’re afraid they won’t want the same things.

Q. Awkward comments: My wife has an unusual sense of humor. I normally don’t mind, but sometimes her jokes take a turn for the awkward. For example, we were recently at a BBQ with a few friends. One friend had mentioned that they had recently done a big favor for another friend. My wife made several jokes about how we’ve never received such a favor from them. Her barbs weren’t particularly sharp, but it was still very awkward and likely made others cringe. On the drive home, I wanted to say something about how pointing out life’s minor inequalities isn’t necessarily prime joke material ... but I don’t even know where to begin. Or to begin at all? How do you even start a conversation about “don’t make cringe-y jokes, please?”

A: It may be more helpful to your wife to provide specific examples of this behavior, and I think you should start with the most recent incident. This is likely not something she’s noticed in herself before, and you’ll have to be both tactful and honest with her if you want to encourage her to adjust. You’re not telling her she’s a socially incompetent jerk, just pointing out that every once in a while she takes a joke too far.

“I don’t know if you noticed this, but the other night you made several jokes about how Karen’s never done a big favor for us, and it made me uncomfortable. I think it made Karen uncomfortable too. I know you didn’t intend to make her feel singled out, but it came across as more than just a joke—like you thought she owed us something. I’m bringing it up not because I think you made a huge, horrible faux pas, but because I’d want you to tell me if I had inadvertently made someone else uncomfortable when I was trying to tell a joke.”

Q. Re: Bloody scrooge: I didn’t know same-sex-partnered people could not donate blood, and I guess I’m not the only one. If your colleagues know your marital situation, tell them you can’t donate blood (and offer to volunteer at the sign-in table or distribute cookies, if you want). If they don’t know and you feel you must excuse yourself, fib and say for medical reasons you can’t donate (and volunteer if you want).

Q. Re: Bloody scrooge: Don’t take it personally. I haven’t been able to donate blood in over a decade because I regularly travel to places that disqualify me from doing so. I understand where you’re coming from, since the restriction on gay men donating blood is definitely an antiquated holdover from a less enlightened time, but it doesn’t sound like this drive is being organized with malicious intent (and it’s very likely you’re not the only person in your office that can’t donate, for whatever reason).

A: These both offer helpful distinctions! I think the letter writer’s resentment of the ban itself is legitimate, but it’s important to bear in mind that his co-workers are in no way responsible for it, and to channel his energies appropriately.

Q. Phone volume etiquette: I work in the reception area of an office with bad, echo-y acoustics; my boss works in the adjacent office. My job requires lots of phone time and often we have bad connections in which the caller asks me to speak up. This drives my boss crazy, and he says that I need to keep my voice down. But when I do, the callers can’t hear me. We live in an area with notoriously bad cell reception, so it’s common to have rough connections. Also, some callers are elderly or hard of hearing. Who should get precedence, the caller or the other people in the office? I feel like it should be the caller, but I’ve been told otherwise. In fact, for a year in college (before cells or cordless phones) my roommates refused to let me talk on the phone to my elderly father because I had to speak loudly. I recognize that high volume bothers people, but what about the person on the other line?

A: This seems like a problem your boss should be helping you solve! Presumably he does not want your clients to be unable to hear you when they call. Present the situation to him and ask for help finding a solution that works for both of you: “I know you’ve asked me to keep my voice down during calls in the past, and I don’t want to disturb anyone else in the office while I’m speaking to clients. Since our connections are usually bad, most clients ask me to speak up, and can’t hear me if I speak at a normal volume. How would you like me to address this?” It may be that there’s another part of the office not quite so close to the center of things where you can take calls in relative privacy, it may be that your boss wants you to encourage clients to email you if their connection is bad, or it may be that he’ll have to walk back his initial request. Either way, he should be offering something more constructive than “keep it down” if that means your clients can’t hear what you’re saying.

Q. Fiancée wants to invite ex to our wedding: My fiancée “Amy” and I will be getting married toward the end of this year. She has a child with another man, and they have a fairly cordial, if occasionally awkward, co-parenting relationship. I have met him before, and he is a good father to my soon-to-be stepdaughter. Since he is her child’s biological father, Amy would like to invite him to our wedding. In theory, I shouldn’t have a problem with this. I understand and accept that he will be in our lives for a long time. At the same time, there is a large part of me that just does not want to spend my wedding day looking at a man who has had sex with Amy. We’ve discussed it, and she says she’ll leave the final decision up to me. I’m inclined to say no. Are my feelings reasonable, or am I just being a jerk?

A: Presumably every time you look at Amy’s child you do not find yourself thinking about the fact that, in order to produce said child, she had sex with another man. You are joining Amy’s family, and her co-parent will always be a part of that family, so it’s better to get comfortable with that now. He’s not just “a man who has had sex with Amy,” he’s the father of her child and your soon-to-be-stepdaughter. You’re not a jerk for feeling insecure or jealous, but you shouldn’t let those feelings dictate your actions. You don’t have to repress or bottle up these feelings, however. Tell your soon-to-be-wife that there is a part of you that, perhaps selfishly, wishes that you could pretend neither of you existed before you met one another. Then let it go, and invite him to the wedding. He may feel similarly awkward and may not even attend—but if he does, you don’t have to do anything but be briefly polite to him, then focus on your own happiness.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! See you next week.

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Term’s Up

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 19:40:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Hi, everyone! Let’s chat.

Q. Give up: I have four children—a son by my ex-wife and three daughters with my current one. My son was raised by his mother and completely indulged by her. It has always been a huge source of conflict between us. My son graduated high school a happy C-level student but was able to get into a good school. I paid for his first semester. He failed all but one of his classes. I wanted him to come back home and try community college rather than continue to waste my money. We all fought but came to an agreement that if he actually buckled down and got decent grades I would continue to do support him. This spring he seemed to do so. He sent me proof with his tests and essays. I really prayed he was turning his life around. Then over spring break, he got drunk, stole his grandmother’s car and destroyed it. We did not file charges but told my ex and my son that this was it in terms of financial support. My wife and I have worked long and hard to give all our children a chance at a good education and a better life. My daughter will be graduating in May with a 4.0 and a partial scholarship to an excellent school across the country. Her sisters will be graduating in the next two years. My son will have wasted over $25,000. I can’t afford to throw good money after bad. My son responded by calling my wife and his sisters “bitches” and cussing me out. My ex repeatedly tells me how much of a failure I am as a father and how I “threw away my only boy.” My wife told me I have done all I could do and more than I should have. Part of me agrees with her but part of me wonders. I love my son and I continue to love my son but I feel like I have failed him. I don’t know what else to do now—he is a grown man and has taken every chance life has given him and pissed it away. What do I do with this? Is there anything I can?

A: It is possible that you have, in significant and unalterable ways, failed your son, but it does not necessarily follow that you are now obligated to continue to pay for his schooling if he is incapable or unwilling to discharge his responsibilities as a student, nor does it make you an irredeemable “failure” of a parent. If you two are ever going to be able to honestly discuss your limitations as a parent, or the pain he may have experienced as a child, those conversations will have to be predicated on basic respect, not by calling your other children, who are entirely blameless, “bitches.” Your offer to pay for community college was a reasonable one, and you are not being unduly cruel or vindictive in withdrawing financial support given his recent destructive behavior. You may not have been as present a father as you could have been in the past, but you are decidedly not “throwing him away” now, and if your ex-wife continues to accuse you of doing so, feel free to respectfully but firmly end the conversation.

Consider what you are willing to do for your son now, whether that be meeting to discuss your relationship, attending counseling sessions together, or helping him seek treatment. You can offer him a new kind of support as he continues to move into adulthood and remain available whether or not he seems interested in it at present. You can take responsibility for your own limitations and mistakes as a parent without taking responsibility for his current choices—you are not the reason he stole and crashed his grandmother’s car. If he continues to lash out or blame your other children for his current problems, you’re not obligated to act as a punching bag. Let him know the door is always open if he wants to reconnect, but that you’re not going to give him any more money or let him insult the rest of your family. This is painful but necessary work—you’re not going to fix the mistakes of the past by letting your son mistreat you and your other children now.

Q. Handouts: Yesterday my boyfriend’s mother offered to pay for some classes in cake decorating for me so that I can further my experience in baking to get a better job. I’m unemployed looking for a bakery job right now, which is why she offered to pay, and she wants me to pay her back by doing housework for her over the weekends. As much as I would love to take this opportunity, our relationship has been strained because of the circumstances of how her son and I came to be. I’m scared that she’ll pay for the classes and then somehow hold this over my head. I’m afraid to talk to my boyfriend about this because I don’t want to stress him out because it is his mother. Do I take hold of this opportunity and deal with what may come with her or do I find a way to pay for it myself?

A: If you’re suspicious that this quid-pro-quo-not-quite-a-gift is going to come with serious strings attached, you shouldn’t accept it. If you think your boyfriend would be emotionally incapable of even discussing his mother’s offer to you, then you definitely shouldn’t accept it. If your boyfriend’s mother wants you to become her unofficial housecleaner in exchange for cake-decorating classes, you should run in the other direction. Better to find a job at a bakery washing dishes and ask for on-the-job training, or look for a baking apprenticeship, than to enter into a housecleaning-for-baking-classes exchange with a woman you have a strained relationship with. Thank her for the offer, but look for other, smaller ways to establish a better rapport with your boyfriend’s mother.

Q. Renting to family: My parents had an old beach house that was in danger of foreclosure. Rather than lose this place that has been in the family over 15 years, my husband and I bought it from my parents. At the time, we asked my siblings if they wanted to go into this with us. They declined. We paid off the house and invested over $10,000 to update the beach house and rent it out. Frankly it was a good investment because the area exploded and during peak times we can get over $2,000 a week for it. My family has been over many times in the five years since we fixed up the place. We spent several holidays together but always with us. Now my niece wants to come down with a pack of her college friends and stay for the week right in the middle of summer. We had already rented the beach house out until the end of August. I told my niece her dates didn’t work and offered her the last dates for $500. This caused a ruckus. My sister called me to yell at me for daring to charge family, that the beach house apparently belonged to everyone, and how greedy I was being. I told her point blank the beach house was mine. We were the ones who put money, work, and sweat into the place. Everyone else was willing to let it go to the bank. At this point everyone in the family is involved. My mother wants peace, two siblings are on my side, one on my sister’s, and my husband is this close to wanting to sell and buy another beach house to spite the lot of them. Is there anything I can do to end this?

A: The beach house does not belong to everyone in the family; the beach house belongs to you and your husband, primarily due to the fact that you purchased it and the rest of the family did not. You offered your siblings a fair opportunity to purchase the house jointly and they declined. You offered your niece a reasonable price for a vacation rental—less than $100 a night, less still if the cost were split evenly among her and her friends—and she declined. I don’t advise you to purchase another home out of spite, but there’s no reason for you to apologize or offer your relatives free use of your beach house. Stay calm, but hold your ground, and if you continue to receive furious phone calls, feel free to end the conversation: “We invested a lot of money into this property, and we rent it out when we’re not using it as part of our income. If anyone would like to stay at the beach house, we’re happy to offer a reasonable price to offset the cost of upkeep and cleaning, but it’s not available for free. If you’d rather stay elsewhere, we understand, but the matter is closed.”

Q. The agony of art: My wife and I recently moved back to the city where I went to school and I have reconnected with an old friend “Bill.” “Bill” is married to “Margie,” and we often have dinners as a foursome. Margie is a wannabe novelist who spends a lot of her time speaking about the Agony of Being an Artist. The first time we went out she literally said “Being a Writer I have one less layer of skin than other people.” The thing is Prudie, I am, if not a Writer, then certainly a writer. I’ve written five books for a well-known publisher under a female pen name and they are selling well (think vampires and bit of romance). When the kids were little, I used to write at the kitchen table. Now I get up early and write before going to work. It’s fun and I enjoy it. There is no agony in my world. The problem is my wife. She says things like. “Next time we are out with Bill and Margie I am going to take a bag of your books along and if that little twit starts agonizing about being a writer I’m going to take them out and bang them on the table.” How should we deal with my good-natured friend and his Tortured Artist wife?

A: If your wife were to bang your books on the table, I have no doubt that Margie would respond not with, “My God, being a writer isn’t that difficult after all—I’ve been making so much extra work for myself!” but “Well, you’re not an artist like I am, merely a competent journeyman; this is why your pedestrian little romance novels don’t keep you up at night, tearing out your hair and rending your garments. How lucky you are to have the soul of a grocer and not a sensitive aesthete.” The best response to Margie’s ceaseless groaning is cheery disinterest: “I’m sorry to hear that! Hope things get better soon. What else is new with you two?” If it becomes absolutely impossible to deter her from making her miserable work life the sole topic of conversation, you can make more explicit requests to change the subject; if that doesn’t work, find other couples to have dinner with and scale back on your interactions with Bill and Margie. Let her miserable sonata fade into the background of your life, rather than buying front-row seats three or four nights a week.

Q. Re: Handouts: I got a part-time job at a grocery store bakery, and I was taught how to decorate the cakes there. It’s a good beginning step toward a better job, and you get paid.

A: Helpful point!

Dear Prudie: Is it inappropriate for me to go to the funeral for my high-school ex’s mom?

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Q. Third wheel, two faces: I’ve been close friends with “Sara” since we were 12. Our friendship survived difficult adolescent times for both of us, including a painful crush I had on her while still in the closet. The crush is long gone, we’ve both become happy and successful, and we’ve built a healthy, supportive adult friendship. She came to visit me recently, and I introduced her to my good friend “Brian,” thinking they’d get along. Sparks flew, they’re now dating long distance, and I’m thrilled because they’re both so happy about it. The problem is Brian. He’s usually one of my kindest friends, but he’s suddenly become rude to me, to the point of being cruel. He made fun of my teenage struggles with my sexuality, which I told him never to do again. He apologized but is still making cutting remarks about everything from the quality of my Ph.D. work to how he “has to” stay friends with me because of Sara. I think he’s threatened by my long friendship with his new girlfriend, but I don’t know how to make him stop treating me this way. How do I talk to him?

A: “Brian, you’re normally a good friend to me and that’s why your behavior over the last few months has come as such a surprise. You’ve started making cruel comments about my sexuality, the quality of my work, and the fact that you think of our friendship as something you ‘have to’ maintain, rather than something you enjoy. What’s going on? Can you explain what’s changed, and why you would say these things to me?” If he’s able to acknowledge his behavior and offer a genuine apology, as well as a vision for how he’ll behave differently in the future, you two may be able to see your way forward. If he claims not to know what you’re talking about or offers a series of flimsy excuses, your friendship may already be at an end.

Q. The slow fade: I grew up in a chaotic household with emotionally abusive parents (neglect, gaslighting, manipulation, lying, outbursts, tantrums). I have done a lot of work as an adult to work through this, including moving far away from abusive family members and seeing a mental health professional, and have set boundaries on how much time I spend with or contact them. I recently traveled to my hometown for the first time in over a year for my cousin’s wedding, and it went poorly. It was very triggering for me, and I had a panic attack at the thought of having to go over to their house one more time before I left. My partner and best friend convinced me not to go and helped me delicately excuse myself from the visit. Despite having a loving, supportive partner with me, it was still incredibly challenging being there. I am now wondering whether or not I want to keep these people in my life, even with limited contact. I know you have given some people the go-ahead to cut abusive people out, but what do you say about doing the slow fade out? Do I owe them any explanation for why I don’t want them in my life anymore, or can I just slowly disappear while focusing on my happy life elsewhere? For what it’s worth, any attempt at talking about the abuse has been met with explosive tantrums on their behalf—screaming, crying, slamming doors.

A: You can absolutely fade out on your abusive family members. Anyone who makes a habit out of screaming and slamming doors has already declined to participate in civil, honest conversation. You do not need to invite them to continue to belittle you, and you know that trying to explain why you don’t want to speak to them would only lay the groundwork for additional abuse. Feel free to be a little busier than usual when they call, and don’t feel like you’re being dishonest or denying them the opportunity to change. Your parents have already demonstrated that, as they are now, they are incapable of hearing anything you have to say about their abusive behavior and responding with anything resembling rationality or open-mindedness. The kind of conversation that you cannot imagine having with them is already impossible under current conditions. Fade out on them for as long as you need to, even if that means the rest of their lives. Focus on your own health and your happy life, and don’t look back.

Q. Sister loves dog more than baby: My sister is always making comments like “I like my two-legged baby, but I love my four-legged baby!” and lavishing her dog with attention while complaining that her 11-month-old daughter doesn’t appreciate her. Compounding matters, the dog is an absolute jerk. Snaps at people, defecates indoors, knows no boundaries. My sister mocks her baby when she cries and keeps her confined in a play yard most of the time. Meanwhile, she spends thousands of dollars and a ridiculous amount of time entering her dog in competitions. The baby is brought along but kept in her carrier the whole time. My niece’s basic necessities are being met, but she’s treated like a second-class citizen next to the dog, because “the dog was here first ... and she loves me.” Is this lack of bonding with her baby some kind of postpartum depression? How can I suggest she get help?

A: This is deeply disturbing behavior; I don’t know enough about postpartum depression to judge whether or not this is a sign that your sister is unwell, but your impulse to tell her she needs help is a sound one. It’s heartening that your sister’s baby is getting her basic needs met, but if she’s spending most of her time locked up in a playpen, she’s likely not receiving anywhere near the sort of touch and attention she needs. To whatever extent you are able, whenever you’re with your sister, try to be as affectionate and attentive to her child as possible. Speak to your sister about your concerns immediately—tell her you’re deeply concerned that she mocks her baby for crying, that she resents an 11-month-old for not “appreciating” her, and that she keeps her in a playpen most of the day—and encourage her to make an appointment with her doctor to discuss the possibility of postpartum depression. The dog is a bit of a red herring; the way your sister treats her child is upsetting enough on its own, and it sounds like she’s the type who would bristle at any mention of her dog’s elevated place in the family. The most effective strategy, I think, is to focus on your concerns about the baby without triggering your sister’s protectiveness for her dog.

Q. Delay delay delay: I have been engaged for going on three years in May after dating for 11 years. After two years of waiting for a date I finally threw my hands in the air and said “no more” and pushed all the planning to my boyfriend. The problem seems to be that he wants his family present for this, but they are nonresponsive to coming out here for this event (they live in Chicago; we live in Montana). They all go on vacations every year and in the 20 years that he’s lived here they have been here three times. I’m a little tired of waiting and my son graduates from college next year and I don’t want to cram all these events into one summer. How can I get him to finally get with his family and explain to them that he wants to get married here and he wants them here and it really hurts his feelings that he’s been in all his siblings weddings but they won’t participate in his? It seems to me that if he asks they should show up, right?

A: If you would like to get married this summer, then you should set a date with your fiancé. Then send invitations to his family members; if they seem undecided over whether to attend your wedding or take a vacation somewhere else, you can encourage him to have a conversation where he stresses how important their presence would be to him. It’s not, however, a conversation you can force him to have if he’s not interested in it, nor is it one that you can have for him. You two have been together for 14 years, and people get married without their entire extended families present. If it’s important to you to get married this year, then make it a priority, with or without his family present, and decide whether you are willing to end the relationship if you believe your boyfriend is dragging his feet because he doesn’t really want to get married.

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Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Get Married, but I’m Not Ready.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 19:35:00 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. What’s the problem with a long engagement?: When my girlfriend and I moved in together about three years ago, she told me her long-term goal was marriage and children. I was fine with that, since I figured we had plenty of time (I was 29, and she was only 27). Well, she came right out and proposed to me recently.

I have no problem with a woman being the one to propose, but I do feel we’re still way too young to be settling down. We travel extensively, go out a lot, have growing careers, and in short have a great life together. I do love her—she’s beautiful, smart, and fun-loving—so after much discussion, I offered to accept a long engagement, like two to three years. But she says if I’m not ready now, I never will be, and she doesn’t want a “reluctant bridegroom” anyway. She broke up with me and is now preparing to move out.

I’m devastated and can’t believe she’s throwing our love away to chase after some stupid fairy tale. I’m not saying no to marriage and kids someday; I’m just looking for some compromise on her part. Is it really too much to ask for a little more time to enjoy ourselves before we settle down forever?

A: I think if you believe your girlfriend’s desire to get married and have children after living together for three years is a “stupid fairy tale,” then you two are probably not well-suited to each other and this breakup is for the best. If you consider yourself to be “way too young” to be settling down at 32, I’m not sure why you think settling down at 34 is much better, and I am inclined to believe that your girlfriend read you correctly when she assumed “another two to three years” meant “kind of never.”

Your girlfriend has always been upfront with you about what she wanted and did not propose to you prematurely. It is you, not she, who has been reluctant to compromise, and she has acted accordingly. Now you have all the time you like to enjoy yourself. I do not believe you have been treated unfairly.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week's chat.

Aunt Removal

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
Aunt “Winifred” came to live with my mother (her sister) and my father under a false pretense. She pleaded poverty and family estrangement, neither of which ended up being true, and now she’s living with our parents without contributing to the household in any real way. She has driven a wedge between my mother and father (Mom acknowledges that this situation isn’t great, but she can’t bring herself to tell Winifred to find somewhere else to live), and it’s taken a toll on all of us, as she drifts malevolently through the house, saying things like: “I wish your father liked me, but I guess I’m too much of a burden.”

We’re doing what we can to help relocate her, but in the meantime my mother has had some serious health issues. We are all preparing for the inevitable. My question is this: Can we evict Aunt Winnie when my mother dies? She can manage her own affairs (unlike my 70-year-old parents) but enjoys being taken care of. Is this something we need to address legally?

—Can We Evict Her?

Oh yeah, you’re not going to be able to get by on my decidedly not–legally binding advice with this one. You should definitely talk to a lawyer. Depending on which state you live in, your Aunt Winifred may be a legitimate tenant of your parents’ home, even if she’s never signed a lease or paid rent, and she will likely have to be evicted through the appropriate legal channels. It’s almost certainly not going to be as simple as telling Aunt Winifred she has to get her stuff and get out after your mother dies. That said, if you and your father are both in agreement that Aunt Winifred needs to move out relatively soon, and you’re doing everything you can to help her find an affordable place to leave in the meantime, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not obligated to host your mother’s sister indefinitely if she’s capable of caring for herself.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Recently I visited a good friend of mine. As soon as I walked in the door, I was hit with the smell of ammonia from cat urine. Every inch of her house was covered in an animal stench, and my asthma immediately flared up. I said I needed to stay in a hotel for the rest of the trip, saying I’d had to do that because of my asthma before. I didn’t tell her it was because her house smelled horrible. Ever since, I have wondered whether I should tell her because it just seems incredibly unhealthy, not to mention embarrassing for her and her girlfriend. I also wonder about the health of their pets.

—Toxic House

Absolutely you should bring it up. Do it kindly and with compassion, but if she and her girlfriend appear to be unaware that the air in their house is barely breathable, you should bring it to their attention. It’s possible that they’re simply not aware because things have slowly gotten worse, and they’ve grown used to the smell that nearly knocked you out. They (and any other visitors) risk developing bronchitis or pneumonia from breathing in concentrated amounts of ammonia, not to mention developing asthma attacks like the one you experienced. Be tactful but clear: “Thanks again for inviting me to stay with you last week. It was so good to see the both of you. I’m a little embarrassed to bring this up, but I’d want someone to tell me if I were in your position, and sometimes it’s hard to notice something when you live with it every day. My asthma flared up in your house because of the very strong, concentrated smell of cat urine everywhere. I think you need to add more litter boxes and have the house professionally cleaned. I’m worried about the health risks you guys are running by breathing in those ammonia fumes every day.”

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am transgender and not yet out to my family. My grandmother died at 88 about a month and a half ago. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t put her through my coming out. (I’m nonbinary, which means it’s even more complicated to explain.) But now that she’s gone, and I’ve done my grieving, I’m aching to stop lying and get it out there. I’ve known for more half a decade, but I feel like this is too soon and my remaining relatives will be angry at me for coming out so close to my grandmother’s death. How long should I wait?

—Bad Timing

While death is always sad, the passing of an 88-year-old woman is neither sudden nor shocking, and although everyone grieves differently, it’s been nearly two months. Presumably, all of your relatives have gone back to their own lives and been able to have numerous conversations unrelated to your grandmother’s death. I wouldn’t encourage letter writers to hold off on weddings or job announcements two months after their 88-year-old grandmother died, so I can’t imagine a reason why you should postpone this one. If any of your relatives attempt to use your grandmother’s recent death in order to reproach you, feel free to ignore that transparently distracting tactic. You didn’t interrupt her funeral to make a frivolous announcement—you’re living your life and coming out to your family. People do it every day, and while there may be no time that’s perfectly suited for it, you don’t have to put this conversation off any longer after you’ve been aching to do this for years.

Dear Prudie: Was I wrong not to tip a massage therapist who overcharged me?

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* * *

Dear Prudence,
A couple of months ago, a family I was slightly acquainted with moved across the street. They adore our children and often invite us over. I like them enough to have an occasional coffee with them, but the problem is that two of them are chain-smokers, which makes their house smell like an ashtray. (Smoking in this country isn’t as stigmatized as it is in the United States.) At first, I hinted politely that the smoke bothered us, and they were obliging enough, but they seemed to think moving across the room to smoke or opening a window would suffice, which doesn’t make much of a difference. I suggested spending time outside, or at our place, but they seem to take my rejections very personally. They are members of a marginalized minority, and I’m afraid they’re making assumptions about why we don’t want to spend time at their place. Which is kinder: to keep on making excuses or to be upfront about the fact that no amount of scented candles will make the air inside their house breathable to us?

—Smokers Next Door

The theme of this week’s column is apparently “smell-related honesty,” and in that spirit I think you should cut out the polite hints and be politely clear. Tell them you’d love to spend time together, but opening a window or smoking on the other side of the room doesn’t make a real difference, and you and your children can’t breathe comfortably in their house. Continue to invite them over to your house or catch up over the mailbox or on their front porch. If they refuse the invitation out of a misplaced sense of offense, there’s not much you can do about that, but there’s no reason to be coy about the fact that stale secondhand smoke makes you uncomfortable.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. Things moved really quickly, and within three weeks he was calling me his girlfriend and introducing me to his friends, and we had a conversation about being exclusive. Now all of a sudden he feels like we rushed into things (We did! He did!), and he wants to see other people. Although this was something I would have been open to initially, I don’t think it’s likely that I can dial back the feelings that have developed over the past few months to the point where I’d be comfortable with this arrangement. I’m in a demanding graduate school program that means I don’t have a lot of free time, so I think a likely outcome if I agree to his terms is that he would see other people while I would not. I’m pretty sure that’s not what I want. We’ve put off this conversation for a little while so I can address some school-related deadlines. What’s the best way to navigate this impending talk?

—Seeing Other People

Tell him what you just told me: that you did not initiate any of the earlier conversations about commitment, but now that you two have been a couple for a few months, you’re developing real feelings for him and don’t think you’d have either the free time or the inclination to go back to seeing one another nonexclusively. He’s entitled to change his mind, but if that’s the way he feels about your relationship, it’s better to part ways now, if you no longer want the same things, rather than set up an old-yet-new arrangement that benefits him but not you.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
We live in a rural wooded area. My neighbor has a cat that lives primarily outdoors. He is often gone for days at a time, and other neighbors feed the cat and have taken her in during the winter. I feel bad for the cat for being out in the bad weather, and there are lots of animals such as raccoons, coyotes, and foxes that could harm her. We often see cats that have been killed by cars, too. She wears a collar and otherwise looks well–cared for. I’m moving into a new house and want to take the cat with me, keep her indoors, and give her a loving and safe home. The consensus among most people I have discussed this casually with say I should take her. A couple have said it would be unethical and maybe even illegal. What should I do?

—Would-Be Cat Thief

You disagree with the way your neighbor approaches cat ownership; it does not follow that you therefore have the right to steal his cat. Having an outdoor cat is neither illegal nor abusive—you could not, for example, report your neighbor to animal control and have the cat removed from his home on those grounds. It’s possible for reasonable adults who genuinely care about their pets to differ on the indoor/outdoor debate. An indoor-only lifestyle reduces the risk of accident, disease, and animal attacks; it can also lead to distress and behavioral problems, as it reduces the cat’s ability to express natural predatory behavior. There are good reasons for either choice, depending on the temperament of the cat in question. You yourself acknowledge that the cat looks “well–cared for” and has a collar, so this is clearly not a neglected animal that has been abandoned to fend for itself. If you would like to own an indoor cat, go to your local shelter and get one.

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Ghost Buster

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 21 Mar 2017 10:00:00 GMT

Q. Runaway friend: Maybe once a month, a group of four to five of my best college girlfriends and significant others will get together and go out to a couple of bars. One of these friends, “Anna,” who is single, has the annoying habit of becoming sulky, then sneaking off without a word to anyone and just never coming back. This happens probably four out of five times we go out. She struggles with depression and doesn’t handle her alcohol particularly well, so I’m fairly sure this stems from the depressant part of the drinking getting to her, and she handles it by leaving. I’m the closest with Anna, so I’ve seen this behavior play out over years, and I’m not particularly sympathetic to it anymore. This combination of circumstances is proving to be problematic: I end up worrying for the rest of the night that she gets home safely because she won’t respond to texts after she’s left; I think it’s downright rude to leave without saying a word; and once others notice she’s gone, I’m always the go-to person for them to ask, “What’s wrong? Is she OK?” and I lose patience with answering and worry it makes me look like a bad friend because I appear unconcerned. Maybe the logical thing to do is to stop inviting her out with us, but she’s very integrated into this group, and often we’re out because we’re celebrating something (birthdays, promotions) and it would seem intentionally mean to leave her out. But I’m so tired of everyone excusing her bad behavior. I understand her needing to go home but think the way she’s going about it is childish and negatively affects the remaining group. What should I do?

A: Talk to Anna about this when you two are together, not drinking, and there are no plans to meet up with other friends for a few drinks on the immediate horizon. This is a regular occurrence that clearly distresses both her and you, and tell her you’re concerned about her well-being and worried that she’s not getting the help and support she needs in treating her depression. If she responds well, you two can have a conversation about trying to schedule more events that don’t revolve around drinking and the possibility that it might be best for her to sit out the events that do, at least for a while.

If she brushes you off or otherwise makes it clear she’s not interested in discussing the situation, then you’ll have to figure out what you need to do in the future. That might mean taking less responsibility for mediating her relationship to the other friends who ask where she’s gone or not texting her for explanations after she’s left. This is not just a once-in-a-while thing but a regular occurrence, and presumably it’s at least as hard on her as it is on you. If you decide not to invite her to a get-together that you know will involve alcohol, bear in mind that you’re not excluding her to be mean, but declining to participate in a situation that causes distress, fear, and anxiety for all of you. Whatever you do, talk to her about it. Don’t ignore this pattern or just stop inviting her out without notice. You can find other ways to spend time with Anna, both one on one and in group settings, that don’t involve setting the stage for repeat disappearances.

Q. Love isn’t sex: I have been with my boyfriend for some time now, and we are happy together—friends frequently refer to us as a perfect couple. It’s true, in that he loves me and I love him and can’t imagine my life without him. But I am not attracted to him sexually. I used to fool myself into thinking I was, but I’ve never felt it. We have sex, and I enjoy it, because it’s intimate, and I am glad to make him happy. But I don’t orgasm or enjoy the act itself, and if he said he never wanted to have sex again, I’d be happy to take care of myself in that department and just cuddle with my boyfriend. I’ve never been tempted to cheat, and he is happy with our sex life. But am I being deceitful by pretending to feel what I don’t? I really am in love with him, but sometimes I think he deserves someone who’s more into him sexually. Is it OK to never tell him, if it keeps us both happy?

A: It isn’t strictly honest, no. If you’re genuinely happy faking enthusiasm during your sexual encounters with him, and can see yourself continuing to do so for the rest of your life, that’s one thing, but if any part of you thinks it’s going to get more and more difficult to keep the act going with the years, I think it’s worth being honest with him now. It sounds like you feel an implicit sense of social pressure from your friends to remain in this “perfect” relationship, and that may be part of what’s keeping you from telling him the truth. If you think he would be pained to learn that your sex life is not in fact mutually enjoyable but merely something you are willing to pretend to like to keep him happy, then you may be right in thinking he deserves someone who is as interested in having sex with him as he is with you. You, too, deserve the space and the freedom to be honest about your sexual desires—whether you ultimately consider yourself to be asexual or something else.

I wonder, however, about this part of your letter: “If he said he never wanted to have sex again, I’d be happy to take care of myself in that department.” If your problem is not a lack of interest in sex but the fact that you have not communicated to your boyfriend what works for you sexually, then I think you may have an easier solution to your problem. If you do not enjoy the act itself qua act, that’s one thing, but if you don’t enjoy the act because your boyfriend doesn’t know how to get you off, then you should tell him, and show him, what you want in bed.

Q. Re: Runaway friend: Does she do that at gatherings when the significant others aren’t there. You do get together with just the best girlfriends, right? Unless there were several other single friends, I think I’d probably duck out early if I was always stuck being the single with couples.

A: That’s worth taking into consideration, although I do think there’s a big difference between “ducking out early” and what Anna is doing. There’s a balance to be struck here between accommodating Anna socially and encouraging her to get help for something that’s clearly distressing her, and I think her friends should pursue both routes.

Q. Re: Runaway friend: If the friend pursues treatment for her depression, there is a chance she might have to take meds. Antidepressants plus bar-hopping equals a big no-no.

A: Thanks for the reminder! Medication may not be something Anna pursues, but if she does, it’s worth remembering it’s not a quick fix, and if part of the problem is her relationship with alcohol, it may have to be addressed separately.

Dear Prudie: Should I stay with my narcissistic husband to protect my kids from him?

Hear more Prudence at Slate.com/Prudiepod.

Q. Transphobic mom: My mother is 80 years old. I visit her weekly to help out, but she has mobility issues, so she rarely sees anyone other than close family. The other day we were watching TV and Caitlyn Jenner came on. My mom expressed some very intolerant and incorrect views about transgender people—that they’re creeps trying to attack girls in bathrooms, that they’re pretending, and that they’re looking for attention. When I tried to correct her, she waved me off. I’m wondering what the correct course is here. Should I continue to try to educate her, even knowing that she’s held these prejudices for 80 years and is one of the most stubborn people on the planet? Or should I let it go, as she is unlikely to ever meet a transgender person in real life and will probably just push back if I attempt to reason with her?

A: I’m generally not of the opinion that prejudiced older folks should be dismissed as being too close to the grave for change, although it’s worth bearing in mind that changes in long-held beliefs will likely be incremental and come slowly rather than overnight, if they come at all. It would be different if your mother’s faculties were limited or if she were no longer able to hold a coherent conversation, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. You did right, I think, in challenging her statements, even if she didn’t change her mind. If such moments come again, consider asking questions that encourage her to check her assumptions: Where has she gotten the idea that girls are being routinely attacked in bathrooms? Why does she think a person would “pretend” to be transgender? What’s wrong with needing attention? You don’t have to turn every visit with your mother into an attempt to change her views, but it’s always worth questioning prejudice when you encounter it, even if you don’t “win.”

Q. Bad birthday: My partner and I recently went on a camping trip to celebrate my birthday. My closest friend, who lives near the destination, joined us for one night. This is the first time I have seen her in months and probably the only time I will see her for another several months, since we recently moved to different cities. Our plans were relatively short-notice, but my partner and I tried to play gracious hosts—we brought extra food to prepare meals for them, brought all the required things to have a fire (including an actual fire pit per park regulations), provided them seating after they didn’t bring any despite being asked to, etc. My friend brought her new husband, and this is where our visit goes sour. He got extremely drunk the night they were there. He unpleasantly monopolized the conversation so that I barely got to catch up with my friend, then got into an upsetting argument with her for the remainder of the evening before throwing a fit and literal trash in our campsite and going to bed. The next day, he guilted my friend into leaving way earlier than planned because he wasn’t feeling well enough to explore. In addition, they both seemed oddly ungrateful and impolite in refusing our hospitality despite the remarkable effort my partner made to be accommodating and gracious toward them. I found the whole thing very upsetting and disappointing, especially because I have known this friend for quite a while (and we’ve camped together before), and she has never behaved like this before. It seems like a situation of her giving in to her new husband’s desires instead of standing up for herself, and I find it very troubling. My question is: How should I react? They posted photos from their trip home, which suggest he wasn’t feeling all that bad after all. I don’t want this to strain my friendship, but my feelings are hurt, and I would like her to leave him at home during our future visits. What is an appropriate way to approach this situation?

A: Talk to her about her husband’s troubling behavior that night and tell her you’re concerned. This will strain your friendship—already has strained your friendship—so keeping your friendship light and conflict-free is not a reasonable goal in this instance. It’s likely that if you ask her to leave her husband at home for future get-togethers she will decline to attend at all, but it’s worth saying that you’re worried about his controlling and violent behavior (throwing a fit and throwing garbage into a campfire certainly qualifies), that you want to make sure she’s OK, and that you’re here if she ever needs you.

Q. Am I the crazy one?: I’ve been with my boyfriend, “S,” for nearly two years. We met fairly soon after he lost his wife to cancer. We dated casually at first and then became exclusive eight months later. Not long after that, we began having arguments—big, crying, cruel, three-day-long arguments that led to him threatening to break up over the slightest things. Every time we had one of these, he put it all on me, saying something was wrong with me and I need help. I have always suffered from mild anxiety and depression but have never experienced the level I have since I met him. But I still sought help and was put on some medication. I have noticed an improvement, yet the arguments continue. The problem is that he becomes angry over some “slight,” such as me suggesting his dogs get groomed. He threw a fit because I dared to tell him what to do with “his” dogs. Recently, we were discussing climate change, and all of a sudden he became angry and said I insulted him, but he wouldn’t tell me how. He just proceeded to berate me and insult me for the next 45 minutes until I was a sobbing mess. I finally had to get off the phone to go to work. He then became angry that I didn’t respond to his 100-plus texts and 15-plus phone calls while I was driving to work and at work. His texts became angrier and angrier until he texted, “F--- it, I’m done.” His dog was supposed to go to the vet, and he also stated that I didn’t deserve to care about his dogs or know about the vet appointment or the outcome. Needless to say, I did get mad about that. He then blamed me for not being understanding of his feelings and stress. When I said that I couldn’t be understanding when he’s using my love for the dogs as a weapon, he replied, “You don’t have the brainpower to understand.” I then hung up on him. So my question is this: Am I really the crazy one, or are these signs of emotional abuse? I just cannot understand why he gets so angry and then acts so cruel when he claims to love me.

A: This is abuse. You two do not have “big, crying, cruel, three-day-long arguments” because you have mild anxiety and depression but because your boyfriend is abusive. There is no medication you could take, no alteration you could make in your own behavior, that would change this dynamic, because he is abusive and will look for any excuse to explode at you. You could not possibly walk on enough eggshells to keep him from doing this again. The reason you cannot understand his behavior is because you are not an abusive person, and the reason he acts so cruelly when he claims to love you is because he is an abuser who wants to control and humiliate and isolate you, and I am so sorry that he has led you to believe that he blows up at you through some fault of yours that you should be working harder to correct. If there are people in your life you can talk to about this right now, please tell them what you’ve told me and enlist their support in getting out of this relationship, because things will not get better, and he will not change.

Q. My roommate is Peggy Hill: What’s the etiquette for asking to move furniture in a shared living space? My roommate is the sort of person who thinks he is the expert on everything and constantly interrupts and explains things that are not pertinent or things I already know. He has had multiple jobs since we’ve moved in, and he’s always complained about being the most competent person at his workplace. That’s not the problem. Part of sharing a home is putting up with irritating habits. The problem is that he is very possessive of our apartment. He has taken the larger bedroom for himself (my boyfriend and I share a room half the size even though we all pay the same rent), and he purchases large pieces of furniture, rearranges them, and decorates them every few weeks. Recently, several items he has set up and installed have come crashing down. One item was a heavy shelf. When I looked at the wall afterward, I saw that this was because he had used naked wood screws (!) to hold it up. I specifically remember telling him to use anchors when installing in the drywall, but he said he “knew what he was doing.” There are currently five enormously heavy shelves above the guest bed. They are hefty enough to kill a person. My sister is coming to visit soon, and I know that the likelihood of them falling the exact moment she is on the bed is improbable, but it’s stressing me out. I would like to be able to just move the bed to the other side of the room, but since he’s so possessive, he wouldn’t like it if I did it without explanation, but if I explained why, he’d take that personally as well. Should I explain it to him and let him be huffy with me? Should I just psychically will the shelves to stay up while my sister is here? Is there a possible solution I’m overlooking? There are no wrong answers.

A: There is definitely one wrong answer, and that’s to let your sister sleep directly under five heavy shelves that, if precedent is any indication, are about to collapse on her head. (It’s part of how we lost Teena Marie!) Say to your roommate, “Since a number of your DIY projects have collapsed, I’m moving the bed to the other side of the room for my sister’s visit.” This is a simple recitation of facts. If your roommate would like to get upset about reality, he is of course free to do so. This may fall outside of the category of “acceptable-yet-irritating roommate behavior.” Living with someone who’s incompetent and defensive when it comes to building furniture (especially heavy furniture that looms over your heads) sounds like a headache you don’t need.

Q. Traveling blues: For the past 2.5 years I and a few other people have been planning a trip to Ireland. I have been saving diligently, taking on two part-time jobs in addition to my full-time job to afford the trip. From the start I’ve told my boyfriend that I would love for him to come along but that he would have to pay for himself, as there is no way I can afford to pay for us both. For the past two years he has been largely dismissive and showed no interest in coming. Now I’m at the stage of booking flights and hotels and suddenly he really wants to go but can’t afford to and says I should either lend him the money or postpone my trip until he can afford to go. I told him I would send him a postcard from Ireland. Am I being unreasonable?

A: Nope. Go to Ireland, have a great time, and send your boyfriend a postcard. Consider sending him nothing at all.

Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone! See you next week.

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

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Before the Ink Is Dry

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 20 Mar 2017 19:10:00 GMT

Mallory Ortberg: Hi, folks! Let’s chat.

Q. Tattoo for a dying marriage: My husband and I have been married for eight years. We’ve never been really happy, and we’ve been in and out of counseling a few times. I want to get a divorce, and I am working to get everything in order financially so I can leave. We don’t have kids, so that isn’t an issue. The problem is that I’m not financially ready yet to leave, and our anniversary is coming up. My husband thinks we should get matching tattoos to prove our commitment to each other. Obviously, I don’t want to do this. But how can I say no without telling him that I’m actually planning to leave him in about six months?

A: There are plenty of reasons not to get matching tattoos besides I’m secretly planning to leave you; eight years is not the “matching tattoo” anniversary, and people who decline to get joint tattoos with their spouses within the first decade of marriage are still welcomed in all arenas of society. You can tell him that you don’t like the idea, that you’ve changed your mind if you suggested you were open to it in the past, that you don’t think a tattoo is a good way to mark a commitment, that you think matching couple tattoos look bad on other people—whatever you like. Even if your husband considers the tattoos the only way to “prove” your commitment to the marriage (which is a ridiculous proposition), you don’t have to engage with him on those terms.

Q. Friend wants her teenage years: I’m really worried about my friend “Laura.” Laura grew up in a conservative community and married at 18. Her husband was a family friend, and she didn’t date anybody but him. After their marriage, she went to college, had two kids, and has now divorced her husband. She has broken away from her family because she says they judge her and she is intent on living her own life. I’d be good with that if it weren’t for the fact that she thinks living her own life is doing whatever she wants regardless of the consequences. Laura goes out to bars three to four nights a week. She would leave her kids (both under age 10) home alone. The authorities were called numerous times, and now her ex-husband has custody. Laura alternates between blaming her ex for this or saying she doesn’t care because the kids kept her from doing what she wants. Over the past six months Laura has been arrested three times. She’s moved two different men into her house in that same time. One stole everything he could carry before he left. The other left when his wife came and got him. Last week Laura lost her very well-paying job because a lot of this behavior was seeping into her work life. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to her, but she insists she doesn’t have a problem. She says that all she is doing is acting like a normal teenager and since she was robbed of that during her teen years, she wants it now. Is this something she is just going to have to get through on her own?

A: None of this sounds particularly like “normal” teen behavior, and I’m not especially sympathetic to the argument that because someone had what she judged an insufficiently wild youth, she is now entitled to re-enact that time in adulthood, especially when that re-enactment involves serious child neglect. Finding yourself is one thing; multiple arrests and child abandonment is quite another. While your friend is likely going to have to deal with the fallout from her actions for a long time, you don’t have to indulge her assertion that what she’s doing is a normal consequence of having gotten married young. If she’s willing to admit she needs help, you might be able to assist her, but if what she’s looking for is someone to co-sign her illegal and negligent behavior, don’t volunteer.

Q. “Just say no” woman dating a pot-smoking guy: I’ve started seeing a guy I really like and have a lot in common with. The catch is he smokes pot regularly, and I am a holdover from the “just say no” era. I’ve mentioned I’m not comfortable with it, and he agreed not to smoke around me or get high before we hang out. Before deciding if this is a deal-breaker, what can I do to challenge my beliefs? Am I as outdated as I think I might be?

A: I don’t know if you’re interested in learning more about weed smoking and re-examining your beliefs about it because you’re genuinely not sure why you still hold said beliefs or if you’re looking for a way to pretend it doesn’t bother you because you really like this guy and don’t want to seem like a buzzkill. If it’s the former, try doing some research (there are plenty of resources online that can elucidate the virtues of marijuana, I promise—plenty of them reputable, even) or speaking with the growers at your local dispensary, if you have one. You might even ask this dude to tell you more about his experience smoking weed, what he likes about it, and what benefits he experiences.

If, however, as I suspect, you are looking for ways to convince yourself you don’t mind something you actually do just because you like this guy, I don’t think you should worry too much about “challenging your beliefs.” He’s not just an occasional smoker; he gets high regularly, and the promise he’s made to never be or get high around you is one that is only going to get more difficult if you two start seeing each other regularly. This might not be a workable compromise if you’re genuinely uncomfortable being around someone who’s high. Weed can be great for some people, some of the time! It’s also not a cure-all, and it’s not right for everybody. It’s also perfectly OK to not like weed or its effects and to not want to date someone who smokes it regularly.

Your attitude isn’t necessarily “outdated” in part because weed isn’t new; attitudes and certain legal prohibitions have changed drastically in parts of this country over the past 25 years, but that doesn’t mean that people who don’t like weed are going to have to start dating stoners or else be judged stone-age relics. Think about what you’re really looking for in a partner—not what you think you should be looking for out of fear of being uptight—and be honest about it. If that could potentially include this guy, great, go for it. If you don’t think it does, look elsewhere. It doesn’t mean either of you is wrong, just that you two aren’t right for each other.

Dear Prudie: I feel obligated to reconnect with my abusive mother, but should I?

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Q. Not my dogs: My husband took in his adult daughter’s two dogs for a week while she was moving—not a problem. Then my stepdaughter’s living situation changed, and she is now rooming with people who don’t allow pets. I warned my husband that I wasn’t going to live with these animals past spring. Either my stepdaughter would take responsibly, or he would. She cried, he caved, and now we are fighting. I work 60-hour weeks. I did not assume pet responsibility when my son was 6; I am not doing it for my grown husband. He wants me to feed, walk, and clean up after the dogs on my lunch break since I work closer. I refused, and he had to hire someone. He doesn’t like the animals and hates walking them after work. They have ruined the rug in his office and the door to the backyard. He complains to me, and I tell him I don’t want to hear it. He went against my wishes here and knows what I think he should do. My question is: How do I get through to him? He is grumpy all the time.

A: Good on you for sticking to your original limits. Your husband’s decision is just that—his decision—and you’ve been clear from the start that you’re not interested in becoming a long-term pet owner and that he and his daughter need to work together to make alternate arrangements for these dogs. She’s an adult and the one who decided to get the dogs in the first place. If she’s no longer able to keep them with her, then she should be working with him in looking for a long-term solution. When your husband tries to complain to you, say, “I’m sorry this situation is so difficult for you, but you made a choice, and you and your daughter need to figure out appropriate next steps if taking care of these dogs is getting to be too much for you. Let me know if you need help finding resources in rehoming them, and I’ll be happy to help; otherwise, let’s talk about something else.”

Q. Re: Not my dogs: This is when you view your husband as you would a child having a tantrum. Cheerfully, matter-of-factly validate and hold the boundary: “I know it’s a lot of work, which is why I told you I wouldn’t take the dogs after spring. If you’re finding it too much of a burden, then tell your daughter.” Don’t use a judgmental tone; just keep a cheerful, matter-of-fact manner no matter what he says.

A: Lovely. (It probably won’t work to view your partner as a child in most arguments, but in this instance, I think the approach is sound.)

Q. Boyfriend secretly allows female overnight guest: While I was out of town, my boyfriend let a female friend sleep over on the couch in our apartment and purposely didn’t tell me. I found out, and his excuse was that he knew I would be upset if I had known. I know that nothing happened, but I think it’s very inappropriate to have a female overnight guest in our apartment, especially because they have slept together in the past. He also messaged her weeks later to say that he had been tempted to make a move on her. It’s also important to note that prior to my leaving town, we discussed that it would not be a good idea for him to even hang out with her (in a group setting with mutual friends), since I know about the past they’ve shared, and he’s lied about her before. Not only did he hang out with her, but then she slept over. I feel completely betrayed. Do I have a right to be?

A: Yes. I’m not necessarily on board with the “no female overnight guests in the apartment” policy as a general rule, but then again, I’m not in a relationship with you. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask your boyfriend not to host a former lover on your couch while you’re out of town, and it’s perfectly reasonable to be hurt and angry now that he did it and lied to you about it just to avoid a fight (and not for the first time). You two get to have a fight now, about boundaries and honesty and what expectations seem reasonable to you both and whether or not there is any trust left in this relationship. I suspect there’s been a breakdown on both sides, because something tells me your boyfriend did not show you this message he sent his friend. However, you found out, and you can’t unknow what you know now, which is that your boyfriend is sending at least preliminary signs of interest in cheating on you to other women. Decide whether or not you consider this relationship salvageable, and act accordingly.

Q. Toying with time: When is it appropriate to introduce sex toys? I’m a bisexual woman in my 20s with a long-term health issue, for which I am prescribed a combination of medications that make it difficult to orgasm. For being alive, this is a trade-off I’m willing to make. Recently, my specialist and I adjusted my medication, and I have improved! I’m now able to orgasm, but only with the help of a vibrator. My question is: When is it appropriate to introduce a toy into the bedroom? I enjoy dating but can’t figure out the balance of when it’s appropriate to bring in toys with a new partner. I don’t want men to feel weirded out, but at the same time, I want to come too! (Lady-type partners take it in stride, so I have no problems there.)

A: It is appropriate to introduce sex toys the first time you have sex with a new partner, if that’s what works for you. If you tell potential partners that, due to your health issues, you can only orgasm with a vibrator, and their response is anything less than a full-throated, “Then bring on the vibrators!” they are not likely to be good sexual matches for you, and you should gently release them back into the sea.

Q. Have I given him too much time?: I’ve been officially dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, but we had an on again–off again relationship that was more physical for a year before that. This past year has been good, but we still haven’t exchanged “I love yous.” Nor have we really ever discussed the future. I told him in January that this was beginning to be a huge problem for me, and he did a good job of being more supportive, kind, and aware of his actions. But he still hasn’t said the L-word. Am I being foolish to stay with him when neither of us can find the courage to discuss the future and how we feel?

A: Some people aren’t especially invested in hearing the words I love you as long as their partners express affection and care in other ways; others could have the kindest, most devoted and loving partner alive and still need to hear them say it out loud. If it’s a problem for you, it doesn’t matter how kind he is otherwise. You’re not foolish for staying with this guy, but you know the conversation you need to have with him. If you love him (and I don’t think you’d be writing to me if you didn’t), then tell him so, since it sounds like you also have yet to say, “I love you.” If you want to discuss the future with him, then begin by acknowledging your own fears—that you’re worried you two don’t want the same things, that you’ll have to break up at the end of it, or that this conversation is somehow less worth having if you initiate it rather than him. Think about what you want, and tell him what that is, without apology or demand. You’re simply gathering information to see if the two of you are compatible in the long term, not trying to interrogate him. If he’s not able to articulate any sort of vision of the future for himself or any coherent sense of his feelings for you, then you likely have your answer. If, on the other hand, you two are able to find some common ground, then you might find once you’ve mustered the courage to have that first difficult conversation about feelings, future conversations about them will come all the easier.

To read Part 2 of this week’s Prudie chat, click here.

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Help! A Friend’s Wedding Is the Same Day as My Son’s Birthday.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 20 Mar 2017 18:40:41 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Skip my child’s birthday for a friend’s wedding? A friend is getting married on what will be my son’s third birthday. His birthday is on a Saturday this year. It is a kid-free wedding. We would have to leave him with a sitter for most of the day into the evening and host his party with his preschool friends on a different date. I would much rather spend his third birthday with him and his friends than attend the wedding. The friend and I are part of the same social circle, but we are not particularly close friends anymore, although we used to be (she was in my wedding). Is it reasonable to skip the wedding for my son’s birthday? If so, what should I say to her? We see each other relatively often in group settings.

A: It would be reasonable to go, and it would be reasonable to skip, which I realize was probably not the answer you were hoping for. It would be mildly inconvenient for you to find a sitter and celebrate your son’s birthday a few days later, but at 3 years old, he’s probably not going to notice the difference. It would be a kind gesture to attend your friend’s wedding, especially since she was apparently a member of your bridal party, even though your intimacy has declined in the intervening years, so consider this as one of those occasional social chores necessary in maintaining a friendship.

That said, if you really don’t want to attend, and you don’t particularly care about regaining any of your lost closeness, it’s certainly within the bounds of politeness to send your regrets, along with a gift and a nice note. Others abide our question; thou art free.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 20 Mar 2017 16:00:00 GMT

The chat is complete! Click here to read Part 1.

Preaching to the Converted

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:00:00 GMT

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Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Dear Prudence,
My younger brother and I (he’s 28, I’m 30) were raised in an extremely conservative evangelical household. When he was 18, my brother tearfully confessed to me and my parents that he is gay. I told him I would support him no matter what, but my parents made him listen to lectures about how being gay is a sin, and how he could change if he really tried, and sent him to a “conversion therapy” camp. Since then, he has gone out with a series of young women and is planning on proposing to his current girlfriend. He appears happy on the surface, but to me, he seems broken and deflated, and I see no real joy in his relationships. It breaks my heart to see him so miserable. I’ve always tried to counter my parents’ preaching, but I’m worried it’s too late. She doesn’t know that he’s gay—my brother told me he’s never told her. Since all my pleas have fallen on deaf ears, I am wondering if you can tell me: Should I say something to his girlfriend? I am afraid that if he goes through with this proposal they will both be unhappy. I think telling his girlfriend about his confession might be the only way to save them.

—Saving the Beard

I can’t quite see my way to saying, “Yes, you should out your deeply closeted, self-loathing brother.” That said, I feel a great deal of compassion for his girlfriend, especially as it seems likely that she has no idea the man she loves is gay. For what it’s worth, I believe that your read of the situation is accurate, that the conversion therapy your brother suffered as a teenager likely “cured” him of nothing but contributed to a great deal of pain and self-hatred, and that a marriage between your brother and his girlfriend according to their current understanding would be ill-advised.

I think you should begin by appealing to your brother: “I love you so much, and I think the world of you just as you are, and it breaks my heart that you think you have to ‘fix’ the fact that you’re gay. I don’t think that you do. But I want to respect however you choose to live your life, and if you’ve decided you would rather marry a woman despite being attracted to men, I could find a way to support that if your relationship were not based on hiding this information from her. I don’t doubt that you care for her. If you two had decided to build a life together after she made an informed decision, that would be one thing, but I think you will only hurt both her and yourself if you try to start a marriage this way. I’m asking you as your sister—as someone who loves you and wants you to be happy, joyous, and freely and fully known by your partner—to please reconsider your decision to propose. This is a part of your life that she should know about, regardless of how you identify now, and if there’s any chance she could find out from some other source later in life, I think you’d rather she heard it first from you. You’re the best person to share this information with her.” You say that he hasn’t responded to your pleas in the past, so I’m aware this request may also go ignored, but it is absolutely worth saying, if only for your own conscience. If nothing else, at least one person in your brother’s life should be able to say, “I love you, and it’s OK that you’re gay, and I want you to know that.”

If worst comes to worst, and your brother never tells his girlfriend that he’s gay and they do get engaged, let him know that while you’re not going to out him or cut him off, you’re not going to actively help him lie to her either. You’ll have to determine for yourself what that compromise will look like and how much time you’ll be able to spend with them as a couple, but I urge you to remain an available and loving presence in your brother’s life—even if it’s at a distance—so that if the day ever comes that he does decide to come out again, he’ll have someone who can support him.

* * *

Dear Prudence: How do I politely inform my all-female office that women can pee on toilet seats, too?

Hear more Prudence at Slate.com/Prudiepod.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My wife of 12 years and I were planning to have sex after a six- to eight-week hiatus (an all-too-regular and depressing reality). She and our son were watching YouTube videos together well past his bedtime. Later, she lectured me about how important it is to nurture moments with him and called me impatient for wanting to have sex instead. I said that I felt ignored and was frustrated with how rarely we have sex. It doesn’t seem like a priority for her. She said she understood my point of view (and that she wants a better sex life, too) but that there’s a long list of things I need to work on first to make her feel better about having sex with me. I admit there’s a lot I have to work on, but my needs are not being met. I can’t talk to her about it because it turns into a discussion about the laundry list of things she needs from me. I tell her what I want, but I don’t really feel like she’s listening. There is no spontaneity, she will never initiate sex, she frequently says no when I try, and our sex life is dying. I don’t know what to do. I’m depressed and considering ending my marriage.

—Unfulfilled

You two are approaching the same problem(s) with conflicting perspectives. Both of you are aware that your sex life is unsatisfying, that you’re not connecting or supporting one another emotionally, and that your current balance of household responsibilities isn’t working. Your primary concern is reconnecting sexually before talking about anything else; your wife can’t imagine having sex regularly again without addressing those other issues first. You two both want the same things but can’t imagine breaking the stalemate.

I confess I’m curious about the “laundry list” your wife presented you with. You admit that her requests are reasonable and in line with reality, but you seem to feel that you’re incapable of addressing any of them until you two start having sex regularly again. Why is that? How much sex would you want to have with her before you felt willing and able to change the behaviors you’ve both agreed aren’t working? Does a part of you believe that your wife is being dishonest and would not be prepared to meet you halfway if you tried to meet her requests? I can’t answer these questions for you without greater detail. Be honest with yourself and figure out what you’re afraid of that’s keeping you from trying. Before you end your marriage, consider couples counseling, where you two can discuss ways to approach this divide as a team rather than as two bitter opponents. You will likely both have to compromise in ways you would prefer not to, but that’s the nature of compromise, I’m afraid. The good news is that getting started is the hardest part. The more often you both try to meet the other in the middle, the easier and more rewarding it will get.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I are getting married next year and plan on inviting only close friends and family. My fiancé’s parents and my father are very generously splitting the costs of the wedding, and I asked them if they wanted to add a few people to our guest list as a token of my gratitude (they’re very reasonable people). I’m fine with everyone they added (about 10 people) except for my fiancé’s aunt. I’ve only met her twice, but according to my future in-laws, she’s a compulsive thief. His family hides their purses and valuables when she is invited to events. She was recently fired for stealing from her co-worker. Based on her past behavior, I think it’s likely she’ll steal from guests during the reception or even from the gift table.

Is there a way I can gently push back on the request to include this person? She’s my fiancé’s father’s sister, and he says it’s up to us. My fiancé’s mother says we have to invite her. I love both of my future in-laws dearly, but I don’t want anything to go missing on our wedding day.

—Klepto at the Wedding

Push back cheerfully and robustly. There’s no need to be gentle about it. You’ve already got your father-in-law on your side, and you don’t have to say anything other than this: “We’re happy to add to our guest list, but since Karabeth the Enigma has shown no interest in getting help for her compulsive stealing, we won’t be able to invite her. We don’t want to put our other guests at the risk of losing something valuable just because they wanted to attend our wedding.” Hold firm to that line and make no apologies for it.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My husband says he loves me and wants to stay with me, but it seems like I make him miserable. He is always angry or upset about something and won’t end things with his mistress, whom I really do not like (we’ve had an open relationship in the past but don’t now). She seems to make him happier than I do. I love it when he is happy and miss being the one who makes him happy. What can I do?

—Can’t Make Him Happy

Don’t pay attention to what your husband says, pay attention to what he does. He’s constantly angry, he’s impossible to please, he treats his girlfriend better than he treats you, and he refuses to honor the agreement of your no-longer-open marriage. This is not the behavior of a man who is in love. This question has a short answer, not because I’m trying to be flip or dismissive but because it’s a very simple problem: You can leave him, and figure out what makes you happy besides pleasing your selfish ex-husband.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I recently had a conversation about masturbation. He said he doesn’t do it now that we are together, which surprised me. I assured him that if he wanted to, he could, with or without me and with or without porn being involved. He insisted he doesn’t need to, but he asked if I do. I said I do masturbate, and he acted like he was fine with it, but he now brings it up passive-aggressively and often asks which other guys or girls I think are hot. He says he’s joking, and even after I tell him I feel judged by these comments, he’ll only apologize in the moment before bringing it up again a few days later. What is that? What can I say to make him open up and have this conversation with me honestlyinstead of hinting he’s unhappy? And if he does, and he wants me to stop, is that even a reasonable request? Are there really couples that consider it cheating? Is it crazy if I break up with him over what is, I’ll admit, kind of a minor issue? He’s annoying me to no end!

It is always OK to break up with someone who is annoying you to no end; that’s not a minor issue. Masturbation is not cheating, although, if individual couples want to mutually agree on particular masturbatory rules, they’re certainly free to. The key word there being, of course, mutually. It would be unreasonable of him to ask you to stop masturbating just because he doesn’t do it. Your boyfriend is not joking, and the next time he brings it up, call him on it. “You’ve started making snide comments and passive-aggressive jokes ever since I told you I masturbate. They’re clearly not ‘just jokes,’ and I’ve made it clear I don’t like it. Are you willing to talk about what’s really bothering you, or at least willing to stop jabbing me about it if you’re unwilling to have that conversation?” If he’s willing to talk, great; you two can work toward a common solution. If he’s not, you should probably break up with him.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m a 34-year-old woman who’s been with my husband for 15 years. We have two children together, and he has two daughters from a previous relationship. I want to leave our marriage, primarily because I’ve felt unsupported for too long. Suffice it to say, our family has had a ton of significant life events over the past couple of years, and the brunt of keeping up with everything fell to me. I’ve been considering divorce for over six months already. I’m not rushing into anything and have talked with a counselor about this. I’m seeing another counselor next week just for a second opinion.

My husband’s ex-wife is my only friend. She has, as well as my boss, brought up the word abusive when talking about my husband. He is extremely jealous and, at times, controlling. He wants to know exactly where I am, what I’m doing, why I have to work late, who is going to be wherever I’m going, stuff like that. He’s never physically harmed me, or called me names, or put me down, or withheld money from me, or any of the other things that I’ve seen named as common abusive behaviors. I’m a reasonably smart woman, but this has really stopped me in my tracks. How do you know if the behaviors are at the abusive level? How many behaviors does one need to exhibit, and with what frequency, before it rises to abuse? He used to be much more jealous and controlling than he is now, but if he’s controlling once a month versus daily or weekly, is that “abusive”?

—Is It Abuse?

Some of the behaviors you listed do fall under the rubric of emotional abuse (there are more indicators at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website), but it can be hard to determine exactly when a person who exhibits certain controlling, unhealthy behaviors crosses the line into full-on abuse. Bear in mind, too, that no one is abusive all of the time and that being “reasonably smart” does not have anything to do with whether you can recognize abusive behavior in the moment. Abuse works precisely because the people who employ it make sure their partners trusts them and want to believe the best about them. Very few people expect to be abused, so don’t let the fact that you feel surprised or uncertain about whether or not you’ve been abused by your partner convince you that it’s not possible. The fact that you consider your husband’s ex-wife to be your only friend is certainly troubling. Whether it’s because your husband has been successful at keeping you isolated from others or for other reasons, you need a support network now more than ever. If there are any family members or friends you’ve lost touch with but who you think would be willing to help you as you start divorce proceedings, reach out to them and let them know what’s been going on.

Ultimately whether or not you choose to understand your soon-to-be-ex husband as a person who committed abuse against you, the most important part of your letter is this: “I want to leave our marriage.” Whether his jealousy and desire to monitor your whereabouts are borderline or fully abusive is something you will be able to further explore with your therapist in time. The important part to remember is that his behavior is controlling, destructive, unsupportive, and unloving, and that your marriage is over as a result of it. If you find the word abusive useful to you in processing the end of your marriage, you may choose to use it, even if only in therapy or in private conversations with trusted friends. But he does not have to be an abuser in order for divorce to be the right choice for you.

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Sicko

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 14 Mar 2017 10:15:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. “Friend” giving me the creeps: When I first started college last year, I became close friends with a guy who also lives in my building. I would often go to his room to chat. He doesn’t quite have the ability to read when someone is not interested in a conversation topic, so he has many acquaintances but not close friends. This semester, I got a lot busier—started seeing my boyfriend and joined two clubs, so I have way less time to go over to his room and talk for extended periods of time, and have told him this. He started getting a little clingy, often asking where I was or calling me when I was on dates with my boyfriend, all of which I dealt with patiently. However, the straws that broke the camel’s back happened in one weekend—the first was when he called me incessantly while I was on a date and told all my friends that I simply don’t have time for him anymore. Then one afternoon, he texted me, saying that he was being rushed to the hospital and that he needed me, so I dropped everything and missed classes to go over, only to find out that he’d made a mountain out of a molehill. He was paranoid about contracting an illness he had already been vaccinated for; had only a single, extremely minor symptom (not even a fever or a headache); and the doctors said he was not sick at all.

In the waiting room at the hospital, he started saying creepy things like “at least we can spend time together now” and the like, which made my skin crawl, and I left quickly. I don’t want to straight-up rebuke him, but at the same time, I dread seeing him around and feel like I’m being watched/monitored every time he seeks me out. How should I go about dealing with him?

A: I’m afraid there is nothing for you to do but to straight-up rebuke him. He faked a serious illness, wasted the hospital’s time and resources, and got you to skip classes just to force you to come see him, and that’s incredibly disturbing, not to mention a friendship-ending breach of trust. I’m concerned for your safety—this “friend” has displayed behavior that suggests he may try to stalk or otherwise manipulate you again in the future. Tell him unequivocally that his lie was unacceptable and that you’re not going to be able to see him again; do this in writing, either via text or email, so that you have a written record of your dealings with him. Tell your boyfriend and other friends what’s going on so that they know not to provide him with information about you or your whereabouts in case he tries to use them to get to you. If necessary, inform your RA and campus security in case he does not respect your request to not contact you again. They should be informed if he tries to escalate or follow you around.

Pay attention to your feelings of dread and suspicion. Your sense that he is not a safe or a trustworthy person is an accurate one, and you should trust your instincts. I know you feel sympathy for his difficulty with forming lasting relationships, but there’s nothing you can do to help him now other than keep yourself safe. If he wants to seek help, you can point him in the direction of your campus’ mental health services, but it’s not your responsibility to resume a friendship with someone you know you can’t trust.

Q. Full disclosure?: I recently started dating a guy who stutters pretty severely. We’re getting to the stage where we’ll be meeting each other’s friends and family, and I’m wondering if I should “warn” them ahead of time, so they don’t react badly and will understand if he is quiet. If I do, should I let him know I told them? Is there a way to do that without making him feel like I think it’s a really big deal?

A: It would be helpful for both your boyfriend and your friends to offer them a brief heads-up. Just say, “I’m really excited for you to meet my boyfriend, and I wanted to let you know he has a stutter, so don’t be surprised if he’s sometimes quiet during conversation. There’s no need to prompt him or help him finish his sentences; just let him talk at his own pace.” You can also ask your boyfriend what he would prefer. He’s presumably dealt with plenty of responses to his stutter his whole life and will be able to let you know what works for him and what doesn’t. Don’t disclose this to your friends as if you are giving them bad news. Keep your tone conversational; you’re providing them with information that will make getting to know him easier, and if you make it clear that this isn’t a big deal to you, your friends are likely to follow your lead.

Q. Caught cheating at a game of cards: I was playing a card game with a bunch of friends recently, and I was eliminated early and so started observing the hand and play of one of the friends sitting next to me—which was known to him (via my clear body language). During continued play, another player requested to pick a card from this friend’s hand (allowed by the rules) in an attempt to get a really valuable card. The expectation is that it is a blind pick (by rule) with the informal expectation (of card games everywhere though not explicitly written into the rules) that one would make available for picking, by fanning them out for display by your opponent, every card in your hand. The friend I was observing however arrayed his cards in the customary fashion with an exception: The most valuable card in his hand was held below the level of the arrayed “fan” so it was not visible for selection by his opponent. I was, frankly, appalled and shocked by this behavior as, though its “only a game,” my expectation is everyone still plays it “fairly,” by which I mean they don’t subvert the intent of the rules to give themselves an unfair advantage. Question is, what, if anything, should I do about it? Have a frank conversation with him about it privately? Avoid ever picking from his hand in a similar situation (thereby letting him benefit from the unfair advantage I know he sometimes takes)? Avoid ever playing that, or games with similar rules with him again? I know it may seem silly that this bothers me, but it does.

A: In a situation like this one, I think it’s best to say something in the moment. “Hang on, there’s a card that’s not showing; you need to fan your cards out further so they’re all visible.” You can keep your tone light and let your friend save face by allowing for the possibility that it was an honest mistake, but you don’t have to wait to pull him aside. Now that the moment’s passed, it may not be worth bringing up (especially since it will be fairly easy for him to “not remember” what you’re talking about), but by all means, if you see him holding something back in future games, speak up. Or, if you decide you’d rather not play with him at all, that’s fine too. Cheating in card games is only fun if everyone agrees to do it or if nobody does it; everything in between is tiresome.

Dear Prudence: My wife made my daughter a doll that terrifies me so much I can’t sleep at night. Can I tell her how I feel?

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Q. Dating co-workers: Years ago, I ended up in a mess due to dating a co-worker. I swore it never was going to happen again. Fast-forward to now, I left a dying career to work in fast food. Our maintenance guy is about my age and apparently has voiced his interest in dating me (though not to me), but I simply responded to it with the truth about why I wouldn’t be interested in dating him. However, I’m now likely moving to night shift. Therefore, I would never work with him, and based on his reaction to finding this out, I think he may ask me out. Part of me wants to give it a go (I like the guy enough), but we still technically are co-workers, and of course now we’ll also be on opposing schedules. What’s the best way to respond to this?

A: You have a policy about never dating co-workers, and now you have a co-worker who has not actually asked you out. I think you should continue to not date this guy. You say only “part” of you wants to give this a go and that you like him “enough.” That doesn’t seem like sufficient reason to break your policy, given how badly things have gone for you in the past. There are a lot of other people to date who don’t work in your building.

Q. Re: “Friend” giving me the creeps: You NEED to straight-up tell him/rebuke him. He will take any “nice” way of telling him or subtle backing off as a sign that you do really want to be with him. Then you need to not respond to any contact.

Q. Typical troll living in Mom’s basement?: Two-plus years ago I lost my well-paying job. Shortly thereafter I had a grand mal seizure, which has left me partially disabled. After exhausting all my retirement funds (yes, I did save), I was foreclosed on. I had to walk away from the home I owned for over a decade as well as even pictures on the walls. My mother offered me a place to stay with her in an impoverished state in a rural area. My parents are both elderly, and even with somewhat limited mobility, I could help out. Problem is, now that I’m here—it is very unseemly for a man in his mid-40s to be living with his mom. I live in an addition with my own entrance, pay rent, and help to pet-sit, etc. for them for hospital stays. The job hunt to get me back to where I was is going nowhere. Should I just suck my pride up or feel like the kid that never left the nest even though I have been independent and successful? The jobs here pay nothing, so moving out anytime soon is unrealistic.

A: If nothing else, I hope you can see that you should be proud of yourself, not “sucking up your pride.” Living as a financially independent adult is a great goal, but it’s not the end-all and be-all of human development. It’s a goal, not the goal. And living with your mother because you’ve suffered grand mal seizures and had to drain your retirement account just to make ends meet is not a sign of failure, nor is it in any way a compromise of the independence and success you’ve found in adulthood. You’re going through an incredibly difficult time right now, and it doesn’t look like things are going to get better overnight. In the meantime you’re doing everything you can to contribute to the workings of your mother’s household, both financially and in terms of everyday housework. I encourage you to think of yourself as an incredibly resilient and resourceful person who is fortunate enough to have family members who are willing and able to help him out during a tough time. That’s the person who comes through in this letter. Take care of your health, recognize the wisdom of the choices you have already made, and don’t rush yourself to get out of the house before it’s financially viable.

Q. Breaking the news: I have been involved with a married man for several years now. His wife has been his “roommate” the whole time: different bedrooms, no interest in the marriage, but unwilling to end the marriage. She told him to find someone else for sex, and he did—me. The two of us were friends for a long time before this phase of our relationship. He’s finally getting a divorce and has asked me to move in with him when the lease is up on my apartment. By that time, he’ll be divorced. But here’s the thing—because he was married, no one knows we were seeing each other. So how do we announce this bombshell? We have a group of friends we see weekly, but no one knows. Our families don’t know. So do we just play this off as we became roommates and then more? Or do we confess that we truly love each other and want to spend our lives together from the get-go?

A: Oh my God, I am so relieved that someone is writing to me before they start weaving a web of complicated lies that have recently started coming apart. This was the right time to contact an advice columnist! Don’t pretend to fall in love from scratch for the benefit of your friends and family. It will become an exhausting and weird pantomime, and if either of you ever slips up, you’re going to have seriously damaged your relationships with some of the most important people in your life. Just tell your friends and family that you have someone in your life you’d like them to meet, that he’s been separated for a number of years and recently finalized his divorce. You don’t have to go into details about his arrangement with his first wife as long as you make it clear they had separated long before he met you. Announcing that you’re moving in with someone your friends didn’t realize you were seeing is shocking, but it’s low-level shocking. If they ever found out that you’d actually been with your boyfriend for three years when you’d been pretending to only have known him for three months, that would be mid-level shocking, and you’d find yourself having to produce far more justifications and explanations than you do now.

Q. Blind neighbor: I live in an apartment building in a large metropolitan area. My very friendly neighbor (let’s call her “Chelizabeth”) is blind. We met when she knocked on my door one day for help using an app, and occasionally when I see her in the building, we stop and chat about graduate school and life in general. Generally, I stop her, since she usually doesn’t know when we cross paths unless I stop and identify myself. My question is, what is the etiquette when I see her on the street (and in the building for that matter)? When I run into my other neighbors, I usually give a wave or a nod. With Chelizabeth, I sometimes feel that I’m imposing, since it takes a moment to stop and tell her who I am. It especially feels awkward when she’s with a friend or classmate. Also, to be perfectly honest, it’s sometimes just easier to keep moving on without saying anything. I don’t know if that’s rude, though. Or is it rude to stop and say hello? If it helps, this is not a building (or city) where people typically get to know their neighbors.

A: A good rule of thumb for a casual social interaction with a neighbor is: Would this make both of our respective days slightly pleasanter or slightly more inconvenient? If you think you’d be imposing, or if she’s clearly mid-sentence with someone and you’d have to interrupt to announce your presence, then by all means, don’t force yourself into her conversation. But if she’s not otherwise occupied, and you’re merely a little self-conscious about having to identify yourself, go ahead and take that extra moment to say, “Hi, Chelizabeth! It’s Margareth the Unbloodied, and it’s great to see you; I hope you’re having a good day.”

Mallory Ortberg: Picard and Dathon at El-Adrel. Mirab, with sails unfurled. See you all next week.

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Hand in Hand

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 13 Mar 2017 19:12:00 GMT

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Good morning, everyone. May this week bring more “Temba, his arms wide” and less “Shaka, when the walls fell.” Let us together be as Darmok and Jalad on the ocean.

Q. Is it cheating?: My wife of five years and I have a wonderful marriage, and I am madly in love with her. The one problem is that I have a particular fetish that she is not aware of and I can’t indulge with her: I like to masturbate with other men. No touching, no kissing, just masturbating together either in person or via webcam. This is completely independent from our sex life, which is satisfactory, if vanilla. I don’t do it often, and when I do, I don’t give any identifying information or invite anyone to our home. I internally justify it by telling myself that it’s not something I can do with her anyway, and masturbating by myself isn’t cheating, so why does it matter if someone else is there? This is crazy, isn’t it? I either need to tell her and hope for her unlikely blessing or knock it out and keep it as a fantasy like any other person in a committed, monogamous relationship, right?

A: I think you know this is a form of cheating, which is why you’re writing to me. This isn’t an issue of what porn you watch or what fantasies get you off—it’s about sharing a particular form of sex and intimacy with people who aren’t your wife without her knowledge, and it’s a betrayal of the monogamous commitment she believes you two have. What you want—a mostly monogamous relationship with a woman and periodic jerk-off sessions with other men—isn’t “crazy.” The hiding and the lying are what’s wrong, not the desire itself. Had you brought this desire up sooner in your relationship, she might have happily indulged your relatively low-risk interest. Or she might have found it unacceptable. Either way, she has the right to make that decision for herself. The desire by itself is perfectly understandable, and many people would be open-minded or even enthusiastic about the arrangement you’ve described. But you ought to tell your wife and accept whatever fallout your revelation brings. If you two can eventually find your way to a similar arrangement again someday with your wife’s full knowledge, forgiveness, and blessing, so much the better; if not, you should be honest with future partners about what you want before you start doing it.

Q. To date or not to date?: I am a 38-year-old single professional woman who was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer and will be starting chemo soon. My previous boyfriend and I broke up last October (we dated for six months), and I would like to start dating again. I feel that because I will be going through this sickness, it wouldn’t be fair to involve a man that I’m just getting to know in all of this, but I would also hate to put this part of my life on hold for however long this goes on. Even though I’m sick, I feel good and want to live my life. If I do decide to date someone, should I bring up my situation early in conversation or before the first date or wait until the second or third?

A: There’s no strict rule of etiquette here, although I wish I could give you a really clear maxim like, “Tell everyone on the third date after drinks but before dinner.” You’re not asking these guys to accompany you to chemo treatments; you’re trying to have a normal dating life while managing your cancer. It may be that some guys decide to bail whether you bring it up right away or wait until the second or third date to say something. That most likely cannot be helped. You have no moral obligation to disclose, so be guided only by your sense of when you feel ready, whether that’s right away or after you’ve already been out on one or two dates.

Q. Should I tell my friend about her husband’s pot habit?: My best childhood friend married a boy she met through me in high school. I am closer to her but friends with both. He smokes pot. I knew he was hiding it and told him if she asked me outright I wouldn’t lie, but I didn’t see it as my place to “tattle” on him, and I don’t personally think it’s a big deal. I still don’t, except she got busted spending a lot more on a craft hobby than they agreed upon. Since his discovery, he’s finagled a motorcycle and various things out of her guilt. He lost a job a few years ago due to a failed drug test and lied to her about the reason, and was still spending $60–80 a week on pot while unemployed while she was working overtime to make up for it. I’m uncomfortable with it but still didn’t see it as my place to get involved. I found out recently that he’s using her “dishonesty about finances” to accuse her of having an affair. She’s clearly feeling guilty about it, and it’s really bothering me that he’s throwing something in her face when he’s been doing the same thing for years. To clarify: I know for a fact she’s not cheating, and yes, I know for a fact she’s unaware of his habit. Should I tell her?

A: I think in the future you should involve yourself less in your friends’ unhappy marriage. They’ve both been dishonest and suspicious of one another, and made a habit out of keeping weird hobby-related secrets from one another, and the only way they can rebuild trust (or decide that’s not possible and separate) is together. That said, the information he’s keeping from her—that he was fired for failing a drug test—has negatively affected her financial security and is presumably something you yourself would want to know, were you in her situation. You never asked her husband to share this secret with you, and he knew the risk he was running by telling you and not his wife. If you do tell her, and I’m inclined to think you should, bear in mind that their marriage has plenty of problems beside this one, and that whatever they decide to do, you should keep your distance. If either of them attempts to take you into their confidence about something they should instead be telling one another, say exactly that: “Please tell your husband/wife this instead of me. I’m not the person who needs to know this information.”

Dear Prudie: My religion is opposed to homosexuality, but I haven’t told my queer friends I disapprove of their lifestyles.

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Q. Screamingly bad example: My mother-in-law is a screamer in two ways: Her habitual volume is loud, and she often viciously yells and screams in anger at her adult children. The former is annoying but not anything I would ever address with her. The latter I’ve always considered to be between her and her children, and I’m not sure any of them consciously hear it for what it is anyway. But now we have a child who’s learning to talk. I’m not OK with the example his grandmother is setting. How do we teach him not to yell and scream to get his way when his grandmother does exactly that? How do we convey that it’s not OK to treat people as he will see his grandmother treating his father and uncles? Or, on the flip side, how do we get her not to do that in front of him when she would likely scream at my husband for the disrespect of asking her to tone it down? I have a feeling we’re going to need to address both sides of this—what to say to our son and what to say to my mother-in-law—and I’m at a loss on both.

A: If you believe your mother-in-law would scream at her own child for asking her not to scream at her own grandchild, then this is a conversation that’s long overdue. Because you’ve turned a blind eye to her bad behavior in the past, it may feel more than a little uncomfortable to draw a line now, but the conversations you’re about to have are, fortunately, pretty simple: “Grandma, we love you and we want you to get to spend time with Grandson, but we can’t allow you to yell or scream at him, or at other adults who might be with him. He’s a little child, and we want him to feel safe and loved, as well as to teach him how to use his words appropriately when he’s upset.”

If she responds to this reasonable request by screaming and yelling, stay calm and tell her you’ll be happy to schedule some grandma-grandson time when she’s able to speak rationally. Then end the conversation and do exactly that. You’re getting the opportunity to parent upward as well as downward. Treat her tantrums the same way you would your son’s. You don’t have to argue with her about it. This isn’t a conversation. This a hard limit—she needs to be able to treat your child with basic civility and respect, otherwise she won’t be able to spend time with him. If she agrees to your terms, let her know that you’ll give her a warning when she starts to raise her voice or lash out, and if she can’t bring herself under control, you’ll end the interaction. This will feel difficult, especially since you haven’t set limits with her before, but it’s your only bargaining chip. Either she’ll seek help in altering her behavior or she’ll see a lot less of her grandson.

As for your son, tell him that it’s not OK to scream at people and that even some adults—like his grandmother—have a difficult time behaving appropriately. He’ll learn this lesson best by watching what you do as well as what you say. If you back down and let his grandmother go on her tirades unchecked, he’ll instead learn that people who are willing to yell and scream and wear down the people around them always ending up getting what they want.

Q. Love is in the air: My fiancé and I used to have a solemn pact not to pass gas in front of each other to keep the romance alive. A distressing encounter with a very bean-and-cheese heavy meal ruptured that peace. It is now a farting free-for-all. I don’t mind, because (1) farts are hilarious, (2) a lifetime of holding it in is not sustainable, and (3) farts are hilarious. My fiancé has made a half-hearted plea to return to our prior modest ways. Do I have to try? Or do I wait until it’s a real ask to modify my ways? Not that it matters, but we are two dudes, thus eliminating the gender-based dynamic that might emerge around making wind.

A: Your partner has made a half-hearted plea, so make a half-hearted attempt. There’s a balance to be struck between a lifetime of repression and living out that campfire scene from Blazing Saddles; attempt to find it.

Q. Re: Screamingly bad example: One thought—does she need her hearing checked?

A: It doesn’t sound like her customary high volume is the problem, but the fact that she regularly screams in anger at her adult children. Whether or not she’s hard of hearing, the real issue is how she expresses anger. It might be worth encouraging her to get it checked out, of course, but that won’t address the most pressing problem.

Q. Wedding etiquette: My husband has been invited to two separate weddings recently. The first wedding was casual and informal, and the second is a formal and destination affair. I was not invited to either. The first wedding he has already attended without me and only told me he was going to the wedding the morning of. The second wedding the invitation only has his name on it. I met both couples through my husband, and he socializes with them a lot more than I do. I am pretty friendly with the first wedding couple, but I do not know the second wedding couple very well. Is it normal to invite one spouse and not the other? Even if I could not attend either wedding (which they are not aware of), I find it odd not to extend an invitation. Am I wrong? Is my husband wrong to accept an invite without me? I want to bring it up to him, but if this is some new normal wedding etiquette, I will let it be.

A: It’s not normal! Generally speaking, guests with spouses or long-term partners are always invited as a couple. Your husband can, if he’s close with the couple, say, “I got an invitation but noticed my wife’s name was left off, so I wanted to check in with you before RSVPing.” Then you two can decide what you’d prefer. Some people are offended at the idea of being invited to a wedding without their partner, and others don’t mind in the least, especially if the partner in question isn’t friends with the bride and groom. If you’d rather he not go without you, feel free to tell him about your discomfort.

Q. Follow-up to a recent column: You responded to my question a while ago about how to deal with a grandmother who knows I’m gay but won’t stop asking when I’m going to find a girlfriend and get married. I wanted to follow up and let you know that I took your advice; she inevitably asked again, but this time, instead of giving her an excuse, I told her I was gay and wouldn’t be finding a girlfriend any time soon. She got upset, but she didn’t die, and the world didn’t end either. I feel better having spoken up for myself, and hopefully this’ll put an end to all the questions. Thank you for your advice!

Q. Hugging woes: I don’t like being hugged, and it’s only getting worse as I get older. Problem is, seemingly everyone is a hugger. For politeness’ sake, I usually just swallow my discomfort and allow it, but I am an adult and am starting to feel like there’s no time like the present to start getting to decide what is and isn’t done with my body. Trouble is, how do I communicate this in a way that doesn’t make the hugger feel bad? Especially if I have allowed it in the past? Especially (ugh, ugh) with relatives that have hugged me since I was a child? Should I just suck it up?

A: If it’s someone you don’t know well, feel free to say, “I’m not a hugger,” and offer a friendly handshake. If you want to change protocol with someone you know and care for, you can offer a bit more context. Say, “I feel a little vulnerable bringing this up, because I haven’t mentioned it before, but I really don’t like hugging, and I’d much prefer to shake hands [or whatever other gesture you like] when we see one another. Please know that I love getting to see you, and you haven’t done anything wrong, but I just don’t like hugging and I’d much rather not do it. I appreciate your bearing with me.” It’s a perfectly appropriate request, and hopefully the people who care about you will be more than happy to adapt. The point of hugging ought to be making the huggee feel welcomed, cared-for, and comfortable, not just mashing your torsos together. Even the most pro-hugging person alive should (hopefully!) not want to hug someone if it means making them feel tense and uncomfortable.

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Help! My Crazy In-Laws Are Making Me Throw a Wedding I Don’t Want.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 13 Mar 2017 19:05:48 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Reluctant bride: I am engaged. I have never wanted to have a wedding, but my in-laws wanted us to very much. They agreed to pay for it and plan it, and despite my discomfort, I agreed, to maintain a good relationship.

They have since decided that I should plan the wedding, not them, and also clarified that by “pay for it,” they meant catering and drinks. This is the bulk of expenses but not all of them. I am growing increasingly resentful about the responsibilities and expenses that have been thrust upon me for a party I never wanted—to the point of fantasizing about breaking off the engagement just to get out of this wedding.

I have expressed these feelings to my fiancé, because I know that it’s his responsibility to talk to his parents—but either they don’t get it, or he has not expressed to them the depth of my resentment. I have also tried to put things in perspective (“it’s just a party”). Despite this, I have spent the last three months miserable or angry. How do I get through the next 15?

A: I don’t think you’re going to get through the next 15 months, if a mere three months have pushed you to the point where you’re considering leaving your fiancé altogether.

Tell him the whole truth—that you can’t see yourself getting through another 15 months of wedding planning, that the money isn’t worth it, and that you’re fantasizing about chucking everything and running away. You and your fiancé should decide together what kind of wedding you want to have, what compromises you’re willing to make, and figure out whether taking your in-laws’ money is worth the pressure that comes with it. If it’s not, the two of you will get to have the difficult but necessary experience of returning the money, and planning the kind of event that you two want to have, whether that’s running off to city hall or inviting friends over for a low-key buffet in your backyard.

A good relationship with your in-laws can’t be predicated on doing things you don’t want to do and swallowing your resentments; they’ll think everything is fine until you eventually explode out of nowhere. Nip this in the bud now, otherwise you might be setting yourself up for a married life full of swallowed words and in-law-related distress.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 13 Mar 2017 16:00:00 GMT

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Cat Got Your Heart

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 11:00:00 GMT

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
I am a gay single mom with a 10-year-old son. I’m also in a great relationship with “Zoe,” who I’ve been seeing for the last two years. We click on every level, she gets along great with my son, and she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. The problem is the ill-tempered hellbeast she calls a cat. She loves it to bits, and it barely tolerates her. It attacks everyone else (I have to wear thick boots and jeans when I come over if I don’t want to bleed). My son is seriously allergic to both cats and dogs, and carries an EpiPen. I have to shower and wash my clothes when I come back from Zoe’s before I can see my son.

The cat is old and on its last legs; Zoe said that once it died she would move in with us. Except she just took in two rescue kittens without telling me (I found out from her announcement on Facebook). She said I was cold and unfeeling for objecting, and I told her she wanted to be a mother to these cats more than to my son. I feel misled. If I knew she was always going to get more cats, I would not have introduced her to my child. Now I am two years into a relationship with someone my son and I both love, but who prefers cats to a life with us. After our fight, Zoe is just carrying on as usual. She came to my son’s ballgame and my parents’ barbecue. She hasn’t brought it up and I am afraid to. What should I do? Make a quick end of it and break my son’s heart and mine? Keep this holding pattern? Zoe is the one who brought up moving in and getting married, the one who told me to wait until her cat died and then we could be together as a real family. Then she gets a pair of kittens and I am Cruella for objecting.

—Cat or Kid?

Just because she is carrying on as usual doesn’t mean you have to. Talk to her again. Say, “Zoe, you told me that once your cat died, we’d move in together and keep our house pet-free to protect my son’s health. Now you’ve bought two more cats, and you didn’t tell me beforehand—I found out through Facebook. It’s clear that you’ve changed your mind, but I don’t know why. You know my son cannot be around animals, and if I’d known you never intended to stop owning cats, I would not have continued in this relationship for so long. Can you tell me what changed? Why did you make that decision, and why did you decide to keep me in the dark about it?” Maybe you won’t get a straight answer out of her; maybe she’s been feeling doubts about the strength of your relationship and was trying to set a barrier between the two of you. I suspect that, whatever the answer she gives, you’ll have to decide to do what’s best for your son (and yourself) and end the relationship, but it’s worth breaking the holding pattern and insisting on an honest conversation at least once before you do.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’d like to get a little bit of weight-related plastic surgery, and my husband is adamantly opposed to it. Both of us work, and I would be using my own money to pay for it. I have thousands in savings, and this procedure wouldn’t affect our finances. He hasn’t done the best job of articulating his opposition aside from the fact he thinks it’s a waste of money. Yet this situation is the whole reason we have “his,” “hers,” and “our” accounts. Plus it’s my body and my money. How horrible is it if I do this anyway, without relying on him for anything?

—Plastic Surgery Debate

Ultimately it is, of course, your call, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it a secondary goal of yours to have at least one or two thoughtful, honest conversations with your husband before you go ahead with the procedure. He doesn’t have to agree with you, but he should at least have a fairly clear picture of why you want this procedure, what the risks and benefits of this surgery include, as well as what your physical recovery will look like and what, if anything, you’ll need from him while you’re healing. Your goal should not be simply to get this done as quickly as possible, husband be damned. That doesn’t mean you should grant him veto power over your decision, simply that you should do your best to fill him in on how you arrived at this decision, and what you hope for from him.

For what it’s worth, if you’re considering a form of liposuction, there’s reasonable evidence to suggest that your husband’s fear it may be a waste of money is grounded in reality. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it, merely that it’s worth researching the long-term effects of whatever surgery you’re contemplating. If you’ve done all your homework, know the risks (bearing in mind that all surgery carries the risk of complications), and feel confident in your choice, by all means carry on, but talk it out with your husband first. Don’t think of these conversations as attempts to get him to come around, but as an opportunity to show him what your thought process has been and what’s led you to your decision.

Dear Prudie: I'm worried my husband wants to adopt the child we're fostering—and I don't.

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* * *

Dear Prudence,
About a year ago my cousin “Evan” came out as “Elaine.” We live in different states and only see each other a few times a year at various family functions. I’ve always liked him and we have a lot in common (we’re both nurses, we enjoy the same books and movies, have similar political views). I know I’m going to miss Evan, but if becoming Elaine makes him happy and gives him peace, I’m all for it. Our family reunion is coming up this summer, and I’ll be meeting my cousin-as-Elaine for the first time. The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable (I suspect some of our disapproving relatives will take care of that), but this is a new situation for me and I’m not sure how to proceed. For example, is it appropriate to say “Nice to meet you” to someone you’ve known all your life? Has Evan completely ceased to exist, and can he be mentioned, especially to Elaine? I’m happy for Elaine and looking forward to getting to know her, but I’ll always remember Evan and I don’t know how Elaine will feel if someone mentions “him.” I know that any transgender person probably has to go through some pretty extensive counseling, and more than likely Elaine won’t run screaming into the night if I say anything imperfectly, but I really want this to go as smoothly as possible for both of us.

—Nice to “Meet” You

I’m so glad Elaine has at least one family member who understands and supports her, and I want to commend you for venturing into new territory with the intention of helping your cousin feel comfortable and accepted. One important thing to bear in mind is that the person you have known all your life is in no way “ceasing to exist”—the things you have always known and liked about your cousin, her taste in books and movies, her general outlook on life, her dedication to your shared profession, are not gone now that she’s transitioning. Yes, there will be plenty of changes that accompany her public transition, and you may experience her differently in some ways, but she’s also very much the same person she always was. She’s just out now. You don’t have to reintroduce yourself as if you were meeting for the first time, but it would be both appropriate and kind to make it clear that you’re excited to get to know her as an out trans woman.

The most important thing to bear in mind is that Elaine experienced all of the things you remember fondly about her as Elaine; her earlier life experiences did not happen to “Evan,” but to herself, closeted. The best way to determine how and if she wants you to talk about her closeted identity is to ask her. “What’s the best way I can talk about our relationship and your life pre-transition? I want to affirm your identity, so please let me know if you’d prefer I didn’t use your birth name, or use any particular language, and I’ll do everything I can to be consistent.” The practice of referring to someone after transition by their birth name is known as deadnaming, and can be very painful; everyone’s individual mileage may vary, so be sure to find out how your cousin feels about it. Find out what she’s comfortable with, and do your best to adjust. If you occasionally slip up when it comes to names or pronouns, quickly apologize and self-correct and move on, rather than beat yourself up and draw unnecessary attention to your mistake. Seek out your local PFLAG chapter for additional resources and support; it’s a great place to ask additional questions if you don’t want to overwhelm Elaine.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I thought I had a stomach bug, and I called in sick from work. Three days into my sick leave, I discovered that I was pregnant. I developed hyperemesis gravidarum and had to go to the ER and missed two weeks of work. I had an abortion and will be back to work on Tuesday. I told my boss, who was kind and supportive. When I go back to work, I know all of my co-workers will ask me what was wrong. I want to be honest, because I don’t think abortion is a shameful thing (on the contrary—it brought me so much relief), but I know some people at work will think I am a heathen. I don’t want to lie about having an abortion, and I don’t want to contribute to it being a stigmatized thing by saying it was just a stomach bug. What is a matter-of-fact , succinct way to say what happened, and secondly, if I get a judgmental comment, how can I shut the person down?

—Saying It Like It Is

I do not encourage you to tell your co-workers that you had an abortion, particularly co-workers you (presumably) aren’t close with and who would attempt to criticize you for it. It made sense to discuss the nature of your illness with your manager, since that directly affected your work, and I’m glad your boss has been supportive of you, and that you’re feeling relieved and healthy now. But keeping your relationship with your colleagues strictly professional is not the same thing as contributing to the stigma around abortion. If you’d like to get more involved in pro-choice advocacy outside of work, that would be completely appropriate, but don’t bring that into your office. It’s not a lie to say that you were very ill, experienced severe complications and went to the hospital, and are feeling much better now. Discuss your abortion with your friends, family, or any other loved ones you like, and focus on your work when you’re at work.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have a close friend I’ve known for 12 years (we’re both in our mid-20s) and we’ve been through a lot together. She dates a lot more casually than I do, but neither of us judges the other, and we both support each other’s approach to sex and relationships. Recently we met up for a night out and she brought a new hookup along. He was so drunk he was stumbling and slurring his words; as the night progressed, he shoved me, put his hand in my face and pushed me away, grabbed me by the head and the waist, and made me incredibly uncomfortable. I had never been touched like that in my life and was horrified. During all this, my friend was periodically making out with him. At one point I told her to decide who she wanted to spend her night with, because I didn’t want to be around him. She disappeared into the bathroom and texted me to say she was having a panic attack; when I went to see her, she freaked out and said she was “having a hard time trying to keep everyone happy” and that I was making the situation worse by “going aggro.” I apologized and tried to calm her down.

The next day she was unapologetic, told me they had another date planned, and laughed about how he “didn’t remember” what had happened. I said I was disappointed she would spend time with someone who treated me so badly and she said she was sorry I felt that way. I didn’t reply and now we are not speaking. We both struggle with anxiety issues and I know she is having a difficult time, but I believe having your own struggles isn’t an excuse to treat people badly. I’m really hurt. I see that her behavior is worryingly destructive, and I am allowing myself to have a selfish reaction and keep my distance until she apologizes—but knowing her, she won’t. What should I do?

—Friend Chose Hookup Over Me

Taking space from this friendship is about as far from selfish as it is possible to get. It’s necessary. Your friend’s hookup assaulted you in public repeatedly. That’s so far beyond “normal” drunk behavior, and your friend’s attempt to forestall any serious conversation about how massively this guy violated your boundaries and physical safety by saying he was too drunk to remember what he did is not OK. The fact that she claimed you were “going aggro” by objecting to being shoved in the face is destabilizing, dishonest, and an abdication of her moral responsibility. If her date had been treating a stranger like that, she should have intervened or sought help from someone else in authority in restraining him; the fact that he was doing it to one of her oldest and closest friends and she responded by making out with him tells you everything you need to know about her priorities and her character. This woman is not your friend. You may have been through a great deal together, and the loss of your relationship may be difficult to process, but you should by no means reach out to her. Please know that you do not deserve to be treated in that way by anyone, at any time, for any reason, and that no true friend would blame you for being physically attacked by a drunken boor.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’ve recently started hanging out with a guy in a “getting to know each other, see if we want to date” kind of way. I think he’s lovely and he thinks I’m really great. We’re both 24, and I’ve kissed a few people in my life, but I was his first kiss. It was definitely weird, and the second time he said he wasn’t that into it, and I think the weight of expectations has been confusing for him. How can I best support him in starting to explore his sexuality without inserting myself too much into the situation? For what it’s worth, I think he’s a very good kisser!

—His First Kiss

I don’t think you have to do much of anything at all, aside from continuing to be his friend and not trying to kiss him again. Unless he’s said something specific about figuring out his sexuality (either as it applies to you specifically or his orientation in general), don’t assume that a sexual crisis is the reason he didn’t enjoy kissing you. You can, of course, reassure him that you’d like to stay friends, and whatever his sexual orientation or inclinations, you want to remain in his life, but beyond that, you don’t have to do anything else.

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Cheaters Sometimes Prosper

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 13:52:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Moving on: A few years ago, my little brother had an affair. He was eventually found out and, after an unsuccessful reconciliation attempt, filed for a divorce, which my sister-in-law fought tooth and nail. My brother is still involved in a relationship with “the other woman” and they are planning to take the next step. To be honest, I never liked his ex-wife. The “other woman” and I have a lot in common, and had we met in other circumstances, I am certain that we would be friends.

My mother absolutely refuses to entertain the idea of inviting her to family functions, and as a result, one round of Christmas and Thanksgiving have already been destroyed. My father has already passed away, my grandmas don’t have much time left and my little brother is the only other thing I have. I would really like to put the past behind us and move on—with the other woman—but my mom feels that there is a moral red line against ever including her in our lives. Help?

A: If nothing else, I’d like to encourage you to stop thinking of Christmas and Thanksgiving as fragile objets d’art that can be destroyed. They’re just holidays, and even if they’re important to you, they don’t take precedence over disagreements or conflict by some special, innate virtue. What you should bear in mind is that your relationship to your brother’s new partner does not have anything to do with how your mother feels about her. You’ve found common ground with this woman, decided you’re willing to make your peace with how they met, and feel like you’ve got so few family members you’re not willing to sacrifice your relationship with anyone else still living. That’s understandable, and fine, but if your mother doesn’t feel the same way, then that’s her prerogative. That may mean you’ll sometimes have to make difficult decisions about where to spend the holidays. You have every right to include your brother’s new partner in your own life, but you don’t have the right to force your mother to do the same. You can, of course, tell her why you’ve decided to accept your brother’s new relationship despite not approving of how it began, and encourage your mother to do the same, but if your mother decides to hold firm, let her.

Q. Living together: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year. While we both admit that we aren’t ready to live together, I have a secret. ZERO percent of me wants to live with him and I don’t foresee that changing. I know there isn’t any kind of timeline for a relationship, but if I have no interest in living with him, should I let him go? I love him and care about him intensely, but I also love living on my own and not co-habitating. We have actually talked about this and agreed that we are both happy with the current situation, so that’s great, but he doesn’t know that I have absolutely no interest in living with him. Should I at least tell him that much? I’m afraid it will hurt his feelings.

A: I promise you, there is absolutely no outcome that does not hurt his feelings at some point, so give up on that dream. The truth will out, in one form or another. You’ll either have to tell him if he starts pressing to move in together, or you’ll break up with him, or (worst of all) you’ll let him talk you into living together and grow miserable. Don’t dump him pre-emptively, but absolutely, tell him now. “We talked about this earlier, and I’m really glad we’re on the same page right now, but I’ve thought about this a lot, and something I’ve come to know about myself is that I don’t ever want to move in with a partner. I love you and I’m incredibly happy in our relationship, but you should know that if we stay together, it will have to be in separate houses. I want to be able to talk about this, and I realize this may come as a surprise to you, but it’s really important to me, and I’d rather you know now, rather than wait until something forces the issue.” If he’s OK with it, great! If you two ultimately break up over it, it’s so much better to do it now than to try to hide it and let it all come out later. This is not a secret worth keeping.

Q. Present etiquette: I was supposed to be getting married this weekend, but 10 days ago my fiancée called it off saying, “It wasn’t right.” This was a huge blow, of course, and I’m still struggling with it. My problem is that once it was announced I was inundated with messages from people asking about their gifts. I get that they want their gifts back, and I’m going to return everything. But I really need some space here just for a few days until I can get to a better place. Is it rude to put out a message on social media just saying that?

A: At this point, I’m tempted to tell you to keep the gifts; I cannot imagine the kind of people (more than one, apparently!) who hear their friend has been jilted and whose initial response is, “When am I getting that Le Creuset back, then?” That is some unmitigated dirtbaggery, and I’m so sorry.

Yes, you can absolutely send out a general announcement to let people know that you’ll return their gifts once you’ve had a little more time to process this loss. Feel free to send a generic script in return to future boorish inquiries—“Thanks for checking in. As you might imagine, this is a very painful time for me, and I’m trying to focus on taking care of myself as well as handling the many details involved in calling off a wedding. I will be returning gifts to everyone who sent them over the next few months, and appreciate your patience as I do so.” I hope there are at least a few people in your life who are offering you support during this profoundly destabilizing time, and who are willing to help you with the logistics of canceling the wedding and sending everyone’s gifts back.

Q. Graduation and divorced parents: My parents are divorced—divorced in the sense that putting them in close proximity is asking for a massacre. My graduation is coming up, and my university limits us to two tickets. There isn’t enough space to have both my parents and their respective partners at the ceremony, and for obvious reasons I don’t want to have them in there alone. I’m tempted to only have my sister at the ceremony, and meet them for separate dinners later. How do I address this without being torn apart by hungry parental wolves?

A: Your temptation is, in fact, a great idea: Have only your sister at the ceremony, and arrange separate celebrations with your parents afterward. If they’re not capable of seeing one another in public and behaving themselves, you should not feel responsible for their bad behavior—or like you have anything to apologize for by refusing to host one of their bloodbaths during a time that’s supposed to be about celebrating your accomplishments.

Q. How to get rid of an inflammatory artifact: I recently helped my grandmother clean out her attic in preparation for a move and discovered that my grandfather had brought home some souvenirs from his time fighting in Europe during World War II. One of these souvenirs is a Nazi armband, and while I don’t want to keep or sell it, I also don’t feel comfortable throwing it away. Is there any alternative? I feel like a creep for even having it.

A: As Indiana Jones would say: “It belongs in a museum.” (Or a research center or historical society.) Find one that’s accepting artifacts from that particular era and ask them to appraise the historical value of your grandfather’s souvenir (it may not be in display condition), then donate it.

Q. Boyfriend gifts: My boyfriend has chronic acne that mainly affects his back and occasionally crops up elsewhere. He’s seen dermatologists but hasn’t been keen on the side effects of the treatments. I know it bothers him on some level, but it’s never grossed me out. My question is, is it appropriate to get him personal care products? Sometimes I see things or hear about things that would be great for his skin—cleansers from Sephora, spot treatments at Lush, etc. I wouldn’t think twice about getting personal care things for girlfriends, but am I sending him the message “your skin bothers me and you should fix it”? He’s not the type of person to buy those things for himself—it took me a year to get him to wear sunscreen. I think it’s thoughtful, but I don’t know how he’d take it.

A: Ask him! (As a general rule, if you want to buy a gift for someone, but you’re not sure if they’d welcome it, you should ask.) Sometimes people with chronic acne get inundated with recommendations for products they’re already familiar with from well-meaning friends and family, and that can be exhausting. Your boyfriend may have tried some of these products and found they haven’t worked for him (he may have the kind of acne that doesn’t respond to the sort of medication found in over-the-counter treatments), or he may genuinely be unaware of them, and might welcome giving them a try. The only way to find out is to ask. “I saw a few cleansers/spot treatments/whatever today that I thought might feel good on your skin, but I wanted to ask before I bought you anything. I don’t want to get them for you if you’re not interested, but if you’d like to try them, I’d love to show you some of them.” Chronic cystic acne can be painful—stress that these products are soothing and anti-inflammatory not some miracle cure that’s going to grant him clear skin overnight. If he seems interested, go for it!

Q. Re: How to get rid of an inflammatory artifact: No reputable museum employee will appraise an artifact. It’s a violation of their code of ethics. They usually can recommend an appraiser, but the donor will most likely have to pay for the appraisal.

A: I’m sorry, that was a bad word choice on my part! I meant “appraise” in the sense of “determining whether this is museum-quality and able to be displayed in a collection,” not (as it’s usually used) to mean “determining its financial value.” They can evaluate it, let’s say.

Q. Daughter’s disappointment: As a result of my spouse’s job, we have had to move multiple times in the past couple of years, even across the country. These moves have been particularly hard on our daughter, who is age 10. Having to each time settle into a new school, make new friends, and then having to do it all over again in a few months has been a challenge. The last time we moved, a teacher shared her address with her and offered to be her pen pal. Our daughter was thrilled, but unfortunately the card on which the address was written was packed with a bunch of other stuff and we assumed it was lost. When she found it a few months later after we retrieved our belongings from storage, she wrote to the teacher, including the reason why she was writing to her after a few months, the fact the she had assumed the address was lost, etc. Unfortunately the teacher has not responded (its been about three months) and our daughter is crushed, thinking perhaps the teacher did not believe her. I have been wondering, was there anything I could have done, like including a note from myself as well, in that same letter? Just wanted to get your perspective.

A: There is nothing you could have done. It’s possible your daughter’s letter (or her former teacher’s response) got lost in the mail; it’s possible her pen pal has been meaning to respond for a while now and keeps letting it slip her mind; it’s possible she has since moved herself; it’s possible she made a casual promise she didn’t really intend to keep to a little girl. None of those things are within your control. It is of course understandable that you want to protect your daughter’s feelings, which are especially fragile right now, and wonder if there was anything you could have done to spare her from this particular disappointment. But there wasn’t. All you can do now is be there for your daughter. You can’t take away this disappointment (or prevent ones in future), but you can teach her that she has a loving parent who’s willing to listen and be there for her when she gets let down.

Q. What’s in a name?: I’m a 25-year-old woman and I’ve recently decided that I’m ready to get back into dating after almost three years of being single. Because I want to be proactive, I signed up for a couple of casual dating sites. I hit it off with one guy and we’ve gone on a few dates. There’s just one (silly-sounding) problem—I hate his name! It’s a name I’ve only ever heard used for someone over 70 (think “Mervyn” or “Maynard”) and I’m embarrassed to say his name to a couple of friends who have asked. I know this is a shallow-sounding problem, but since we aren’t serious yet and I’m still more or less in the dating “vetting” process (and still going on other dates with other people), I can’t deny that it’s bothering me! I’m wondering if it would be offensive to ask him if I can come up with a nickname or any more modern-sounding moniker that I can call him? He doesn’t appear to have any existing nicknames, and he said his name is a family one. If this is bothering me at this stage, is it a deal-breaker?

A: Some people love getting nicknamed, but it would give me more than a little pause if someone I had just started seeing told me, “I don’t like your name. Let me call you something else,” no matter how they tried to soften it or dress it up. You’re not talking about a casual, spontaneous nickname either; you’re talking about disliking the name he uses every day. He’s never expressed any dissatisfaction with his own name, so it would be a little presumptuous to try to see if he’s amenable to being called something else entirely, especially since he has never said, “I hate going by Mervyn, please call me Matt.” If it bothers you that much, go out with someone else; if you like him enough that you think you’re willing to overlook it, find a different way to think about it. If absolutely nothing else, this is the name that represents someone you really like—that’s at least one point in its favor.

Mallory Ortberg: Small world, Dr. Jones. Too small for the two of us; this is the second time I’ve had to reclaim my property from you. See you all next week!

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The Simplex Truth

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 21:20:16 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Welcome back, everyone. Let’s chat!

Q. He cheated, but my behavior was worse: I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 10 years. We have a great relationship with normal ups and downs over the years. I’ve recently suspected he might be cheating, but after searching his phone (I know, I’m sorry), I couldn’t find any evidence. I confronted him with it and he denied it. Well, after coming home from an annual OB-GYN appointment, I cried to him that I was diagnosed with herpes. I was so upset and again brought up his potential cheating, as it’s the only way I could have gotten an STD. He broke down, admitted to an infidelity, and was devastated he gave it to me. We’ve done some real work and are back on track. But: I made it all up. I was never diagnosed but thought the lie would get him to confess. It did! And I feel awful. Am I a monster? I feel my transgression was almost worse than his. How do I move on?

A: I have so many questions about this! (Chief among them is why, if you were trying to force your boyfriend to admit he’d cheated on you, you chose to fake having one of the most common STDs imaginable, one that roughly 1 in 6 Americans have, and that you could easily have contracted—but not noticed—before you met him. Also, if your boyfriend had gone and gotten tested immediately after you “revealed” you had herpes and found that he didn’t have the virus, you could have been almost immediately found out.) Regardless, you two have not, in fact, done “some real work” and are nowhere near “back on track,” because he doesn’t know that you are willing to pretend to have an STD in order to get what you want out of him. There is a complete and total breakdown of trust in your relationship, and you two do not belong together. There is no healthy, sustainable love story that includes “I knew he was cheating, but he wouldn’t admit it, so after going through his phone, I falsified medical information to get him to confess and now everything’s great.”

What you could, and should, have done when you became convinced he was cheating, even if he was not willing to admit it, was end the relationship. If you no longer trust your partner and believe they are lying to you, you do not need evidence to break up with them. You could simply have said, “I no longer trust you, and I don’t believe you when you say you’re being faithful; if I can’t trust you, then we can’t be together,” and walked away from this relationship with your head held high. As it is, you’re going to have to tell him. The reason you feel awful is because you have done something awful. This does not make you a monster; such dramatics are unhelpful to you at present. Beating yourself up as a “monster” would, in fact, act as a sort of guilt release valve—as long as you beat yourself up as a terrible person periodically, you won’t feel the need to confess because you’re already being “punished.” Your transgression was neither “worse” nor “better” than his—it stands on its own, and nothing he did could either aggravate or ameliorate what you did. You need to own up to it, to apologize, to face the consequences of your actions, and to figure out what you need to do to ensure you don’t treat future partners in the same way.

Q. Is he just into my cat?: I’ve known a guy as a friend for a few years, and we see each other every few months and catch up. I recently found myself single at the same time he was and I thought he might be interested in me. We’ve both began communicating with each other more than usual. However, it’s always about our cats. We make plans to do things where there will be cats, visit with each other’s cats, message each other cat memes and updates about our cats, and even plan “cat dates” for our cats to hang. My friends say no one talks about their cat that much but I honestly think he’s just into my cat. What do you think?

A: It sounds like this guy is definitely into your cat and, at the very least, considers you a good cat owner. If you would like to go on a date with him, you should feel free to ask him if he wants to have dinner with you—catless—sometime, but I do not think he has been creating a series of elaborate cat-related fictions in order to spend time with you. I think he really likes talking about cats. He may also like you, but that remains to be seen.

Q. Canceled cake order: I am a home baker who does it mostly for fun—it’s not my main source of income. I was asked by my hairdresser to make her wedding cake (she’s marrying another woman), and I was VERY excited to do that as I am a firm believer in marriage equality. I’d made her 50^th birthday cake and her fiancée’s 50^th birthday cake. I had them over to taste cakes—they wanted sugar-free, gluten-free, and a regular cake. I gave them a few options, saying several times, “I want you to have whatever you want, it’s your wedding.” They then decided they were going to “go with something less complicated,” and “are really stressed out with their families,” and are going to buy an ice cream cake there or go with the restaurant’s desserts. (They are telling the restaurant it’s just a party and not a wedding so they don’t get charged “wedding” rates.) I am really heartbroken. I spent a lot of time and energy and money buying a special candy mold and gluten-free flour, etc. I have been going to her for over 10 years, spending well over $100 every four weeks. My question is, do I have to “process” with her and tell her she hurt my feelings? Or can I just go somewhere “less complicated” for my hair styling from now on? I hate processing, and I actually don’t want to stress her out more about her wedding. Thank you for your thoughts!

A: You do not have to tell your hairdresser anything if you’d rather just quietly find someone else. You might start asking clients for a small deposit in the future, though; just because this work is mostly-for-fun doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for some consideration for your time and labor.

Q. Scripting a breakup: One of the most valuable things I get from your column is potential “scripts” for hard or uncomfortable conversations. With that in mind: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. For some, that might be “just waiting for the ring” territory, but we have never had conversations about moving in or marriage. I love my boyfriend, but we have reached a plateau, and it’s clear to me that this is not going to be a forever relationship. There is no way to not hurt his feelings—this is clearly going to be rough for everyone. How do I start this conversation, and how much emotional support do I try to offer, given that I have had time to brace myself and he has not?

A: You can be kind, but you should not be offering your boyfriend emotional support while you are breaking up with him. By virtue of breaking up with him, you have rendered yourself uniquely incapable of being emotionally supportive while he goes through the process of getting dumped. He can reach out to anyone in his life who isn’t you for support, but it’s your job to make the break clean and give him space to move on. If you’re completely sure it’s time to end things, I think it’s best to start with the truth, rather than vamping for a few minutes about how great he is and how hard this has been for you. That can come later; don’t make him wonder what you’re trying to talk to him about.

Start by telling your boyfriend that you want to break up, that you love him and that this relationship has meant a lot to you, but that you don’t see yourself together in the long run and you’re ready to move on. You’re right that you’ve had more time to prepare for this than he has, but that’s the nature of being dumped—he’ll get to do all of his thinking and feeling about your breakup after the relationship ends, while you got to do it in advance. If he wants to have a slightly longer conversation about why you don’t see the two of you together in the long run, and you feel comfortable sharing some of your reasons, you might go into greater detail, but don’t feel that you have to convince him you’re making the right decision or get him to see things from your point of view. Just be kind, be clear, and then give him space.

Q. Why don’t I feel happy about BIL’s new love?: My husband’s terrific brother, “Dave,” cherished his wife, “Connie,” and nursed her loyally through the cancer battle that claimed her life last year. Connie was the sister I never had—warm, funny, and full of unconditional love—and her death was very tough on me (though not as tough as it was on Dave). He waded back into the dating pool a few months ago and has come up with an absolute winner of a woman. Which is why I am shocked at how hard I have to fake being happy about this. Why am I suppressing feelings of depression and disappointment? I know Dave is entitled to happiness, and his life is none of my business, so why do I feel hurt? I’m doing my very best to show nothing but loving kindness to this lady, and I don’t want to screw up his new relationship by showing coldness to her by accident. What the hell is the matter with me?

A: I don’t believe anything is the matter with you. Your response seems completely normal and understandable to me. You loved Connie as your own sister, and you miss her terribly, and seeing Dave with someone else—not just a casual fling, but another wonderful woman you can see him with in the long run—reminds you of what you’ve lost. You’re perfectly aware that Dave is not doing anything wrong by finding love again, and you’re also trying your hardest to welcome his new girlfriend, which tells me you have a solid grip on reality and a profound desire to do the right thing.

The fact that you’re depressed and disappointed by this turn of events doesn’t mean that you secretly want Dave to be unhappy. It means you’re still grieving and that your grieving process looks different than his. You’re doing everything right, and the only advice I’ll give you is to stop thinking of these negative feelings as a problem to be fixed. I hope you have someone outside of your family you can share them with, someone who’s not immediately affected by Connie’s death, just so they don’t feel like a burdensome secret. Continue to treat Dave’s new girlfriend with loving kindness as you have been. Bear in mind, too, that it is OK to occasionally discuss how much you love and miss Connie when you’re around Dave; embracing his new girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to stop talking about her.

Q. Re: Canceled cake order: I do artwork as a side business for myself (I’d love for it to be full-time but alas I still need a day job at the moment to cover bills) and I’m in agreeance with Prudie on this: doesn’t matter how frequently you do this or if it’s a “mostly for fun thing,” you should always protect yourself by asking for a deposit. I usually ask for half upfront and half on delivery of the final product. That is more than fair and makes sure that both client and service provider have about equal skin in the game to see things through.

If you have to get special equipment/molds/materials etc. for a job, I’d say figure up the cost of what those things will entail and at the very least ask for that much upfront, that way you’re not stuck footing the bill for equipment you may not particularly need or want outside of that one specific job. Be clear about this policy with future clients and be firm. If they don’t have the money to put upfront, then they can’t afford your services.

Q. Walking-home woes: I’m a college student living in an accommodation block on the outskirts of the university town. My boyfriend lives in another complex about 10 minutes into town (on the largest street). Since we usually hang out in his room after classes because they’re held closer to his place, I have to walk back to my complex by myself, usually past midnight. (His room is too cramped for me to sleep over.) The 10 minutes make a huge difference, because my area is much unsafer, and I’ve had many bad encounters on the street, starting from a couple of months before I started seeing my boyfriend. I’ve told my boyfriend about the incident and hinted it to him, but he still doesn’t have the habit of walking me back. Am I being sexist for wanting him to walk me back, and if not, is there a nondemanding way of asking him to do so?

A: No, it’s not sexist to want not to be harassed when you walk in the street at night, nor is there anything wrong in asking your boyfriend to walk home with you. My main advice to you would be to stop hinting if there is something very specific you want your boyfriend to do. Ask for it outright. Please do this in all of your future romantic relationships. It will save you endless frustration. For this particular issue, just say “I’ve had a lot of unsettling encounters walking back to my apartment late at night, and it makes me feel nervous and unsafe whenever I have to leave your place. Would you please walk me home?” Hopefully he will say yes. If he doesn’t, consider what you might need. Does your college have a safety escort service that helps see students home securely? Do you want to start spending time in your apartment even though they’re a slightly longer walk from campus? Do you want to reconsider your relationship if your boyfriend seems uninterested in the fact that you’re getting harassed on your walk home from his place on a regular basis? Figure out what you want, and ask for it. Nothing that you’re asking for is unreasonable or out of line.

Q. Sweatiquette: At my gym, there is a sign that clearly states you should wipe down equipment with the cleaning fluid provided after you use it. To get the cleaning fluid, you have to walk across the gym and then come back. Often, as I walk over, someone will come and start using, or preparing to use, the machine I just left. Does this absolve me of the responsibility for cleaning it? Should I offer to wipe it down even if the person is already preparing to use it? And, conversely, if I am the second person, should I wait for the original user to wipe down the machine before getting on it? Thanks!

A: It does not absolve you! Offer to wipe it down regardless; only if they refuse are you absolved. (Hopefully, no one would refuse.) As for your second question: If the other person is clearly heading back with the cleaning materials, absolutely wait 20 seconds for them to wipe the machine down. If they seem to have disappeared and you don’t feel like waiting around, feel free to grab a towel and a spray bottle and do it yourself.

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Help! My Co-Worker Won’t Stop Sucking His Thumb in Front of Clients.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 19:44:52 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Weird co-worker behavior: I have a co-worker with a weird habit and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do something about it.

Here’s the deal. We’re professionals, and we often work closely with clients. My co-worker sucks his thumb. Now, I’ll admit, it’s a habit I don’t love, and he’s far from the only adult thumb-sucker I know, but I wouldn’t think twice about it except he does it all the time, in meetings, in front of clients, all of that.

He’s good at his job and seems to be plenty well-respected by our people and the clients, so I guess it’s not disrupting his career or hurting our image—in other words, why would I say anything to him about it? Except it’s also unsanitary—not the worst thing, but it grosses me out. It’s just so far outside of social norms that I always find it kind of appalling. And if our clients feel similarly, they’re not going to say anything. Also, he’s a grown man, so there’s no way he’s unaware that it’s generally considered inappropriate.

I’m so confused. I would totally say something, but I look around me—at him, at his wife (who’s a good friend of mine), at our management—and feel like I’m crazy because I must be the only person who cares, or someone whose job it is would’ve already said something, right? At least he’s not a big hand-shaker.

A: It may very well be disrupting his career and hurting your company’s image; you’ve noticed it, and you feel uncomfortable but haven’t said anything, so it stands to reason that there are plenty of others out there who’ve reacted the same way. It’s unprofessional, and it’s absolutely fair to bring this up. To be clear, lots of people have nervous tics, and you shouldn’t be cruel when you bring this up or make jokes at his expense, but it is fair to ask that he at least try to refrain from thumb-sucking while he’s at work, especially when he’s in front of clients.

Unfortunately, since you’re his co-worker and not his supervisor, you don’t have a lot of leverage in getting him to change his behavior. If you have a good relationship otherwise, consider talking to him well in advance of your next client-facing meeting, and ask him if he could keep from sucking his thumb until the clients have left and he’s in (relative) private.

Bear in mind that habits like this one are very difficult to break, and it may be challenging for him to change overnight. If you’re not comfortable speaking to him directly, or if he reacts badly, you can speak to your own boss. Mention your concerns that it doesn’t present a professional image to clients, that it’s unsanitary, and that you’re worried this could affect your business. You can make it clear that you think really highly of your colleague otherwise, but don’t let the fact that no one else has addressed this behavior keep you from speaking up.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 17:00:00 GMT

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I’ll Be Watching You

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 02 Mar 2017 11:00:00 GMT

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Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have lived together for two. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but I love him with my entire being. I have never cheated on him, but I have lied to him in the past. He, of course, inevitably discovered my lies. I lied because he has a tendency to be a little possessive and jealous. In no way do I think I was justified in lying, but I do wish sometimes he would have a little more understanding about why I felt uncomfortable telling him the truth. I wasn’t up to anything bad; I just didn’t feel like dealing with an argument. I know now that was incredibly immature of me and how unfair it was for me to lie like that. I do regret my actions especially since I feel like I broke our relationship.

Cut to this past weekend where he had to travel out of state for work. He asked me if I had gone out at night and I told him no. I found out later that he had actually been taping me, so he could confirm, in fact, that I had been at home. My question is am I allowed to be upset that he was secretly monitoring me? I’m having a hard time processing it because on one hand I know I have screwed up in the past, but on the other hand it feels messed up. I keep wavering between feeling like I deserve this and feeling like I don’t. I broke the trust between us and want him to trust me eventually again, but this just doesn’t feel like the right way to build up trust. Is my relationship over? Am I overreacting? Am I supposed to be OK with this stuff because this is his way of learning to trust me again? Am I being unfair? I don’t have anyone else to turn to really with this, and I’m starting to realize how irrational I am.

—Taped Because of Lack of Trust

This is one of the most heartbreaking letters I’ve gotten in a long time. You are in an abusive relationship, and I’m so sorry that your boyfriend has made you doubt your own grip on reality. The fact that you would ask “Am I allowed to be upset that my boyfriend secretly filmed me to make sure I didn’t leave the house while he was out of town?” speaks to just how thoroughly he’s managed to convince you that you do not have a right to privacy or a life outside of his control. It is never, ever OK for one partner to secretly film the other, and it’s especially not OK that he filmed you to make sure you didn’t go outside. You have resorted to lying in the past because your partner is trying to control and isolate you. Not because you’ve been weak, or cowardly, or because you’ve been trying to do something wrong, but because he is controlling and abusive. I understand that you love him. Abusers are often kind and loving when they are not being abusive. There’s a primer on this dynamic called “Why Do I Love My Abuser?” that might help you identify what’s going on. You did nothing to deserve this—could do nothing to deserve this. Your boyfriend wants you to think that because you’ve been forced to lie to him in the past, he now has the right to surveil and monitor you. He doesn’t have that right. No one does. If you don’t have anyone else to talk to right now, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Someone is available 24/7 and it’s completely confidential. Just because your boyfriend may not currently be violent doesn’t mean he is not abusing you. If you are afraid your boyfriend is monitoring your calls or going through your phone, check out their social media safety tips before calling. I wish you the best of luck. This may be difficult to hear, and you may feel protective of your partner, but know that you do not deserve this treatment, and that there is no justification for what he has done, and is doing, to you.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My family is somewhat conservative. We sometimes have discussions about race, and while they agree that things like segregation or the Japanese internments camps were wrong, or even ways in which the president’s thinking on matters of race and religion is faulty, they often don’t see how comments they make themselves as racist. For example, we recently discussed how certain fictional characters could “never” be played by a minority actor. I argued that it would make no difference to the story, and a family member said that everything is being taken from white people and something needs to be left for us. It’s really starting to become uncomfortable. How do I help them see equality for all does not mean we will “lose” anything? Right now, I just get accused of being a “weird liberal.”

—Defensive Family

A statement like “everything is being taken from white people” merits follow-up questions. It’s such a baldly feelings-driven claim that offering a rational counterargument like, “No, white people are still allowed to have things” might not make much of an impression—when someone is responding to a perceived rather than an actual threat, reality has already flown out the window. In a situation like that, it may be helpful to (gently, not sarcastically) push for clarification in order to encourage your relative to question some of their assumptions. What does your relative mean when they say “everything” is being taken from white people? Who do they consider the parties responsible for taking it? Why do they believe white people are more vulnerable to “loss” now than in times past, and what do they blame that on?

You may remember the racist backlash from a few years back when Donald Glover’s name was suggested as a black Peter Parker for The Amazing Spider-Man; there was a similar outcry when Zendaya, who’s biracial, was cast as a female lead in this summer’s Spider-Man: Homecoming. The question there, of course, is why white people would perceive this as a threat? What is it about Spider-Man (or any other character historically portrayed as white) that requires whiteness? These questions sounds more than a little ridiculous, of course, because they’re facing an absurd premise. Your relatives may be surprised by their own answers (or lack thereof); this may encourage further reflection and re-engagement. Stick to asking questions. Challenge misguided premises when you encounter them, ask follow-up questions that encourage deeper reflection about their racial anxieties, but, importantly, don’t take on responsibility for changing their worldviews. Only they can decide when and if they want to re-examine their racial zero-sum attitudes.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have a co-worker I don’t know how to handle. We’re friends who sometimes socialize together outside of work. She is very intelligent but becomes visibly upset when she is corrected or proven wrong, and she avoids taking anyone’s advice unless absolutely necessary, even when she asks a question! She won’t lash out, but she shuts down the conversation, which makes it difficult to get anything accomplished when we have to work together. As a friend, I’d like to level with her that her behavior isn’t OK. If she weren’t my co-worker, I would say something, but I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama on our team. But she’s struggling at work because of this. She won’t reach out for help, and she constantly complains about how she’s been forced into this bad position and can’t progress in her career, and that our manager doesn’t like her so she’s just letting her fail. Is there anything I can do to help her, or at least stop her from getting on my nerves?

—Don’t Shut Down

Don’t address this with her as a friend. This is not a friendship problem, but a professional problem that’s affecting your work. You’re not “causing drama” by wanting to address her behavior; you’re trying to make sure you can all perform your jobs to the best of your ability without stonewalling or shutting down. The important thing is not to allow your work to suffer because you’re worried about preserving your friend’s easily bruised feelings. Given that you two are peers and she doesn’t report to you, this is going to be a delicate process. If you two are working together on a task, and she goes silent if you point out she’s mistaken about something, you should say, “Pallison, I want to make sure we’re helping each other succeed on this project. I’m trying to make things easier, not harder. Is there a better way I can offer feedback?” If she doesn’t respond well to that, then I think you’ll have to bring it up to your manager (who presumably does not actually want her to fail). Explain the nature of the project you’re collaborating on, the information you need your co-worker to have, and the difficulties you’re having in getting your own work finished because she shuts down whenever you try to provide her with neutral information; ask for help in working with her, and ask your manager to provide her with additional guidance so that she can get her work done more effectively. If your co-worker continues to try to vent to you about how your boss has it out for her or that she’s been “forced” into her current position, just say, “I’m sorry to hear that, but I’ve got to get back to work.” This may necessarily affect your friendship, but you’re not doing her any favors by being a bottomless pit she can pour her complaints into.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have trust issues and I think I always will. Every male member of my family has cheated on their wives and most of the people I date have too. I am very aware of this and communicate it to those I’m with. I had been doing much better about trusting my fiancé and not touching his phone—it had been months since I tried to look at it. I thought we were happy. I moved with my kids to Wyoming so we could live together near his work, and we got engaged. Then he got called back to the oilfield, which requires him to live away from us half the time. I supported this because I knew it was the best financial decision for us, and he said it would only be another 12 to 18 months; then we could start our family.

After the first two weeks away, he came back saying this posting would be permanent. I struggled with this, and we had some of our first big fights in two years. I finally agreed, but I had this nagging feeling that things weren’t OK. He acted so differently this past week. I looked at his phone and he’d texted someone to say he was coming home to end things. He said some of the meanest things about me and my kids. He said that he didn’t want me to be the mother of his children and that mine were going to grow up to be horrible, that I was lazy, etc. I went straight to him and told him what I had done and found. Now he’s upset and finally wants to open up emotionally. I know people vent, and I know I was wrong to look, and I know we are all imperfect—but am I a doormat if I forgive this? I’m not even sure I could even ever get over it.

—Went Through His Phone

There’s venting—even unkind, uncharitable venting—and then there’s hatred, and the specificity and vehemence of your fiancé’s text message sounds like more than venting. There’s no reason to think he was just spouting nonsense. I suspect he believes what he said: He doesn’t want to have children with you, he’s decided that the children you already have are irredeemably bad, he thinks poorly of your character, and worst of all, he didn’t tell you he thought any of those things. There’s no way for you two to rebuild trust and affection, and I don’t think you should try. He cannot be a good stepfather to your children if he thinks they’re horrible, and they deserve better than that. You two should not be together. If you decide to forgive him for what he said, that’s certainly laudable, but forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgive him for his limitations if you can, but move on.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I have an older gay relative, “Tim,” who has been with his now-husband “Pete” for as long as I can remember. I don’t see them very often, but I love Tim and always liked Pete, who is usually guarded and a bit cold to me (or maybe it’s all in my head, or just his personality—I don’t know him that well). A blurry memory percolated out of my brain recently, which may explain Pete’s coldness. As a youth, decades ago, in a misguided but well-intentioned effort to demonstrate my love for Tim and my desire to always include Pete as part of my family, I referred to them as “Uncle Tim and Aunt Pete.” I feel terrible now remembering having said that. Recently Pete has been warmer to me. I think I should just chalk this up to extreme youthful stupidity and forget about it, but I feel badly. Do I owe Pete an apology?

—Statute of Limitations for Apologies?

I don’t think it’s likely that Pete remembers the incident, or that it’s the reason he’s been a little reserved with you. As you say, you haven’t known him very well until recently, and he’s in fact warmed up as you’ve spent more time together. You weren’t trying to mock or misgender him all those years ago; you were a kid deploying imperfect language in an attempt to affirm the permanence of their relationship and make it clear that you considered Pete to be a part of your family. What you said might make you cringe now, but that doesn’t mean it’s been weighing heavily on his mind for decades. Your best option, I think, is to continue to cultivate your new, warmer relationship with Pete, and not dwell on it.

But if you feel like you absolutely must address it, keep your apology sincere and brief. Don’t try to make this into a bigger deal than it is, and don’t elaborate on how much time you’ve spent flagellating yourself. Just say, “Pete, I’ve always loved your relationship with Tim, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you so much. I don’t know if you remember this, but once when I was young, I referred to you two as ‘Uncle Tim and Aunt Pete.’ I’m so sorry if that made you feel uncomfortable or demeaned. I was trying to make it clear that I considered you family, but I’ve always regretted the way that I said it, and I’m so sorry if I made you feel demeaned. I hope you know how much I admire and like you, and I’m so glad you and Tim found one another.”

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I live in an apartment with four other young women. We have a TV in the living room area that we all use; sometimes we watch as a group, sometimes alone. My question is of expectations. Should a person who starts watching a movie in a communal space expect to be interrupted with lots of questions by people who come in later not having seen the beginning? Or, should those people who come in halfway through expect that they may not understand and should let the original viewer watch in peace? I have continuously encountered the problem of being the one who starts a movie alone and then gets asked tons of questions. This is a major pet peeve of mine. I usually pause and try to explain the best I can, but more questions always follow. I find this very disruptive to the movie-watching experience. Thoughts on how to handle this? Who is in the right/wrong?

—Movie Etiquette

If you started watching the movie and other people join later, it’s very kind of you to pause the movie and offer them a brief recap. End your recap with “That’s it for questions; I want to watch the movie without interruptions.” (I say this, by the way, as someone who loves talking during movies but understands that the majority of the world abhors what delights me, and I keep my mouth shut unless I’m at home with someone else who shares my predilections.)

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Delayed Gratification

Mallory Ortberg — Tue, 28 Feb 2017 13:40:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Is it me?: I am 37, female, and while in my 20s, I was far more focused on my education and career than in meeting anyone. Then in my late 20s, I met and married a man who turned out to be incredibly abusive (verbal, emotional, and toward the end physical). I left him years ago, and I’m in a much better place today. The problem is that I’m back to dating, and I keep running into an issue. My ex-husband is the only person I’ve ever slept with, and it wasn’t great. I don’t dislike sex, but it’s not all that high on my priority list. I want to date, and go out and do fun things, and even, once I get to know someone, cuddle on the couch and watch movies. But actual sex I think of as something incredibly intimate that happens between two people who are in love, and who have had the serious “commitment” talk, regardless of whether marriage is involved. I know that’s a bit old-fashioned of me, but it’s how I feel. And it keeps causing problems. It seems all the guys I date just want to get to the main event. I’ve finally found a guy I really like, but after a month he’s now starting to push a little on defining what “sex” is (he thinks anything less than full penetration is fair game; I consider anything with clothes removed or orgasms involved as sex) and I’m worried this is going to derail something that has the potential to be good. It’s only been a month, and I’m nowhere near ready to say the L-word, but should I be more flexible with what I’m willing to do in the bedroom? At my age, should I stop putting so much importance on the intimacy and trust involved with physical affection and just go with it being a purely physical release? I have nothing against sex—it doesn’t hurt, I don’t have a traumatic experience in my past (that was the one type of abuse the ex didn’t try, thank goodness), and I look forward to it being part of a long-term, committed relationship, but is it fair of me to tell guys I’m interested in that sex is totally off the table until they’ve met my family and we’re at least thinking about long-term togetherness? I feel like I should be more open and modern in my sexuality and thoughts about sex’s role in a relationship, but the idea of it is giving me anxiety attacks, and I have no idea how to even approach the subject. Help!

A: Two things are important to bear in mind here: One is that yes, generally speaking, if you are an adult dating in the United States today who wants to reserve sex (and nudity, and mutual orgasms) for a seriously committed relationship, unless you are a member of a religious community, you’re going to be seen as quite old-fashioned and may lose out on a number of otherwise very compatible partners. The other is that it is absolutely OK to be old-fashioned and to have a very firm idea of what you do and don’t want to do. Be upfront about this when dating, and consider looking for prospective dates who share your goals.

The thing that stands out the most to me is that the prospect of having sex before you are in a committed relationship gives you anxiety attacks. That’s something worth paying attention to, and working out in therapy. You should not have to experience that level and panic and discomfort at the thought of sleeping with someone you like, even if you decide to continue adhering to your rule of “no sex before commitment.” You’ve been through a lot of trauma when it comes to sex and intimacy, and it’s (understandably) difficult for you to trust prospective partners, even ones you really like, because you know what it’s like to trust someone who slowly turns on you. I won’t advise you to be more flexible with your current partner, because at no point do you say anything like you’re eager to sleep with him, or miss having sex, or would like to become more intimate. You sound nervous that you’re going to lose him, full of self-doubt over your own boundaries, and convinced that you should talk yourself into doing something you’re not ready to do because of your age—that’s not a foundation for a healthy sex life.

Q. Collection: So my husband has a collection that he has been working on for 20 years. He’s put a lot time, energy, and love into it. But now he wants to sell off some of the less expensive pieces that he doesn’t care as much about, to make room for others he wants to buy. So he’s spent the last few weeks going through and putting aside pieces he still loves, and packing up the ones he wants to sell. A good friend of his, also a collector, who he’s known for decades, has offered $7,000 for the batch. I know for a fact that these pieces cost a hell of a lot more than that. I’ve said as much, but he just wants it out. He’s not concerned that much about what he gets, just thinking about what new things he can get. While I know this is his choice, I feel like he’s being lowballed, and he’s not getting what he should. I am somewhat invested in this since we have a joint account. So the money he spends is also mine, though I always agreed he should use it—we have no debt, and we pay our bills regularly, and have savings, and I’m able to buy what I want. I know it’s up to him, and I wouldn’t want him telling me what to do if it were my collection. But I can’t get rid of this feeling that he’s being lowballed, and that he can do better. So two questions. How can I make him see that? And If I can’t what can I say to myself to be OK with all this?

A: I’m curious, if both your husband and his friend are experienced collectors, how it is that you’re so sure the amount he’s being offered isn’t reflective of the collection’s worth? But I’ll take your word for it, and assume that your husband could be making a lot more money off of this deal if he were willing to spend a little more time and energy. Since this is a joint expense, maybe you could offer to arrange for an appraisal—if your husband’s primary concern is just to get rid of it, but you’re willing to go a little farther to make sure you get the best possible offer, ask him to hold off on selling until you can see if a higher offer is possible. If it’s not, he can go ahead and sell it to his friend as planned; if the collection seems to be worth a lot more, you might be able to arrange a more favorable sale to someone else. Your husband can take the $7,000 and buy whatever new collectibles he’s got his eye on, and you can take a commission out of whatever else you make and do whatever you like with it.

Q. Lying about money: I am a struggling student who works full time. My sister called begging me for $500 for rent and that she was on the verge of being kicked out. I stupidly wired her the money. It was a lie. Her idiotic dog got out (again) and hit by a car and needed medical attention and she posted about it on social media. I called her on it, and she confessed, saying I wouldn’t give her the money otherwise. The money I sent her was all my savings, my grocery money for two weeks, and leftover birthday money. I lost it. I screamed at her and called a selfish little bitch. She cared more about this stupid dog than her own sister. I am barely keeping my own head above water as is. I had to beg my roommates for food until I got paid. I told my sister this. She took food out my mouth and gave it to her dog. She hung up and then proceeded to trash me on social media. I don’t know what to do now. Please help me.

A: Oh, wow, this is a tangled web and then some. Let’s start with what you can do right now. You’re going to have to apologize, I’m afraid, for calling your sister a “selfish little bitch.” Regardless of how upset you were with her, that was completely out of line, and you won’t be able to have a constructive conversation about what happened between the two of you until that’s out of the way. It will have to be a sincere apology, and you’ll have to make it completely separate from whatever other conversations you two have about trust, honesty, and money. Apologies are best when they’re unadulterated. “I need to apologize for calling you a ‘selfish little bitch’ the last time we talked. That’s not an OK thing to say to you, and just because I was angry does not excuse it; I should never have said it, and I want you to know that, when and if we disagree in the future, even if it’s about something big, I’m not going resort to name-calling again. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Let’s untangle this a bit more. On the one hand, it was not OK for her to deceive you about the reason she needed the money, and it’s fair for you to feel hurt, angry, and misled. It’s also fair for you to decide you’re not going to lend her money again in the future. On the other hand, I hope you can give her at least a little bit of grace about her “idiotic” dog. She wasn’t asking for money to buy frivolous things she didn’t need. She was trying to care for her pet, who was hurt through no fault of its own. The dog wasn’t trying to get hit by a car, and your sister was panicked and frightened and made a bad decision as a result of those feelings. That doesn’t mean she loves you less than her dog.

If you’ve been able to apologize for what she said, and if you’ve been able to remind yourself that your sister panicked and lied but did not, in fact, delight in taking food directly out of your mouth to feed her dog, then you two can talk about establishing a repayment plan. You may, of course, not get it, and you should resign yourself to the possibility that, unless you’re willing to take your sister to small claims court over $500, you might never see that money again. But if you can both see where the other is coming from—if she can see that you feel unloved and unappreciated and deceived, and if you can see that she lied out of fear and desperation and not because she doesn’t care about you—then you can talk about how this could have gone differently. If she’d told you in the first place what she needed the money for, even if you hadn’t given it to her directly, you might have been able to help her find a payment plan with the animal hospital, or raise money via smaller donations from other friends and family.

As it is, she’s damaged your trust and will have to commit to regaining it over time. Figure out a repayment plan that she can stick with. Even if it’s just $10 or $20 a month—something that would demonstrate she’s aware of, and sorry, that she’s put you in a precarious financial situation. If you two can do this, if you can both apologize for the wrongs you’ve done one another without comparing whose was worse or trying to get revenge, you will be able to rebuild trust and mutual affection over time.

Q. Re: Collection: OP, has your husband kept an accurate inventory of his collection over the years? Does he compare what he paid for a piece to what the “experts” in that type of collection say it’s worth? If he has, then maybe he’s just trying to get back what he originally paid for the pieces he wants to dump. My husband and I are both collectors, and keep very accurate inventories. We know what each piece is “worth.” Are you an expert in what he collects, or are you more concerned that he’s spending money you don’t have in the joint account? If you’re an expert in his collection, then you’d have the right to tell him he’s being lowballed if indeed that’s the case.

A: That’s helpful. Thanks!

Q. Pup-tials: An etiquette question I thought I’d never be asking: Is there an appropriate way to ask if a dog can accompany you to a wedding? A former college roommate of mine is getting married a couple states away from the city I will (temporarily) be in this summer. Because I’m only going to be in the area for two months—I’m just working an internship before returning to grad school elsewhere—I won’t exactly have my usual support network to watch my dog when I run out of town for two or three days to my friend’s wedding. Since the event’s in a rural area, I’m also planning on driving anyway ... so I’m wondering how gauche it would be to just throw Fido in the car with me.

I wouldn’t ask at all, normally, but it is unimaginable that this particular friend will throw a wedding that could be described as anything near “traditional”—her family’s more the woods-dwelling, Wiccan hippie type. I can’t 100 percent tell from the invite, but I’m betting a lot of this will be outdoors. My dog’s a total sweetheart and doesn’t bark. Would it be horrible to ask if the pooch can come with me, and if not, how on earth do I pose that question?

A: It would have to be a pretty relaxed wedding, I would think, for guests to be permitted to bring their pets, and since your friend did not specify that pets are welcome on the invitation, I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask. You have until this summer to find someone to look after your dog for two or three days; even if your usual support group is unavailable, that’s plenty of time to find a friend of a friend you can trust.

Q. Al-Anon and drug addiction: Dear Prudence, I love your column. Nar-Anon is a great program. Unfortunately, in some areas it can be difficult to find a convenient meeting that fits into one’s schedule. Often, there are more Al-Anon meetings available. There are many people like me who go to Al-Anon because someone they are close to has a drug addiction problem. From my observation, most people who come to Al-Anon because of a child or grandchild are more likely to mention a drug problem than an alcohol problem. The bottom line is that alcohol is just another drug and alcoholism is just another addiction. Both programs can help people set boundaries with the addicts in their lives and the well-meaning folks who seem determined to tell them how to fix the addiction problem.

A: Thanks for the suggestion! If you live in an area where there are no (or comparatively few) Nar-Anon meetings, you might also consider starting one yourself. Bear in mind that each Al-Anon group may have different opinions on members who are not dealing with an alcoholic, since there is no central governing body that dictates how each meeting handles individual cases. If you’re not sure, call your local Al-Anon central office and ask if it would be all right to attend a meeting if your loved one struggles with drug addiction rather than drinking (although drug addiction and alcoholism are often comorbid). You can always start by attending an “open” meeting (meeting guides list which meetings are “open” versus “closed”), speak to the secretary before or afterward, and go from there.

Q. Do I contact him—again?: I dated this guy. We were more FWB than anything else. I caught feelings for him. Sometimes they felt mutual. We ended things rather badly. He was violent once but seemed to be remorseful in messages to me months after. I expressed my concerns even though I really missed him. Then he broke in to my place and destroyed some personal property. We spent months in court. He basically walked free. I still stupidly think about him, hoping he would come without the violent tendencies. About a month ago, I sent him a message by catfishing him. He suspected it was me, and I stopped replying. Then just last week we were both at a place we frequented often at the same time. Rare, since it’s at least an hour away from where we reside. I know he saw me as he flashed his lights as I rode by. Later on, he had no choice but to pass me as I was in the bike lane. I still for whatever reason miss him. We used to have a lot of fun together, but he cannot be trusted. I admit I did a lot of dishonest things to get to know his real story—which is complicated, but I know they are really only together for their young kid. Did I mention she testified to help him get off on the charges? I guess what I am asking, do I send him a truthful message baring all and see where it goes? I see he is on the dating sites, without a profile pic, I am on, and we’re effectively looking for the same thing. What should I do?

A: No. No. No. Do not contact him now, do not contact him ever. If you ever feel tempted to contact him, call a friend you can trust, a doctor, a therapist, and a family member to ask for help first. This was an unbelievably destructive and unhealthy relationship from start to finish. When you miss him, when you desire to re-establish contact, it’s not because the two of you have a solid, loving connection—your brain misses the chemical thrill. Treat it like you would any other self-destructive craving and ask for help and support in staying sober. You have nothing to say to this man, and he has nothing to say to you. Take care of yourself, and stay away.

Mallory Ortberg: Hope problems are all thin on the ground until next week. Thanks for chatting!

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Movin’ On Up

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 27 Feb 2017 20:47:00 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Good morning, chatters! Let us endeavor today to be, like Bluebeard’s last wife, “bold, be bold, but not too bold.”

Q. Job woes: I have a Ph.D. in chemistry from Harvard and am currently working at a community college. I love my students and feel like I’m really making a difference in their lives. I’m in a smaller city and love the opportunities I have given the size (e.g., I’m not a millionaire and I’m still on the board of directors for the symphony). Sounds perfect, right? The problem is, my salary is very low compared to what I could be making in a more technical job. I could easily double my salary ($60K to $120K) if I moved to a bigger city and worked in something like software testing. I would love that kind of job and I would excel at it and I would make twice as much money! The cost of living would be higher but not that much higher. I could have more money to donate to causes that I’m passionate about. At the same time, I wouldn’t be making a real difference. Sure, I would be doing a job well, but I wouldn’t be contributing to society in the same way I feel I am now. To see a student, whose parents are migrant farm workers, going to graduate school in my subject because I was able to share my passion for science and education—that’s making a difference! But I’m tired of being poor (relatively speaking). I bring home $1,700 every two weeks. Not peanuts but not a lot either. Do I stay or do I go? How do I even begin to decide?

A: I’m not inclined to consider a $60,000-a-year salary anywhere close to poor (for what it’s worth, the federal poverty level for a single person is somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000 a year), but there are endless variables you may be experiencing based on your background and level of debt that might make $60,000 feel like a lot less. Take this with a grain of salt, but some research suggests that there’s a threshold to how much happier more money can make a person and that it’s somewhere around $75,000 a year—after that, you’re potentially looking at diminishing returns.

You say you would love to work in software testing, which puts you in a strong position. You’re not contemplating taking on a job you hate just to make more money, and you’re not currently in desperate need of more money because you’re facing the loss of your home or your car. You have two pretty good choices on either side, and nothing is forcing your hand. You’ve got a degree from a pretty prestigious place; consider that this may not be an either/or proposition. What if you took a few years to work in software testing, see how you feel about it, and discover whether or not the higher salary makes as big a difference as you thought it would? If it feels a bit empty, you might consider returning to the community college and taking up the work you loved again.

Q. Lesbian or bisexual?: I’m a guy, and there’s a woman I want to ask out. However, she has dated women in the past, and I don’t know whether she’s bisexual or just a lesbian. Is there a good way to ask her that? Would you be offended if a guy asked you that question point-blank?

A: “I’m not sure if you date men as well as women, but if you do, I’d love to go out sometime. Would you like to go out for a drink this week?” As long as you’re polite and make it clear you’ll back off if she’s not interested, there’s nothing offensive about asking someone you know out on a date—that’s how most dates happen, after all.

Q. Please get out of my space!: So my partner and I have been in a rough patch for a while now. She is moving out for a month to get some space and figure out what she wants. I’m sad because I love her and when things are good, it’s the best feeling to come home to her. But I’m relieved because things are tense right now. I feel she doesn’t respect my boundaries. Her friend is over a lot. I’ve asked for a heads up, and at some points have said I’m not comfortable with her being sprung on me and sticking around late into the night when I have work the next day. But it keeps happening. Last night, I was exhausted and had been asking for some quality time with partner. But her friend came over instead. I ended up going for a walk in the cold and crying on a bench for an hour because I tried to say “no” to my partner, and she told me that she didn’t have a choice. I had a panic attack (I feel so silly, I shouldn’t be so sensitive), but I just felt so unimportant. Partner is so nice to them and wants to tell them every little detail, and in turn listens. Partner told me I was just being critical last night when I tried to explain why this is important to me, and that if I just told her about my day instead of being upset, there wouldn’t be an issue. But I want a say on who is in my/our space! I am mad! But I also feel like I am overreacting because we’ve both been pretty stressed. Is there a way I can/should stand up for myself around this? I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I really want her to get this and pay attention to my needs.

A: I believe your partner did, and does, have a choice over whether or not her friend comes over and stays late into the night. “I didn’t have a choice” applies to, like, Bruce Willis staying behind to blow up the asteroid himself because otherwise the whole Earth will be destroyed in Armageddon, not in hosting a guest. You don’t say this friend is experiencing housing insecurity or in critical need of support at present, which suggests these are social visits that could just easily take place outside your home or be postponed; even if these visits were spurred by some sort of crisis, it would not be OK for your partner to have them around without giving you advance notice, especially once you’d made it clear you wanted at least periodic intervals where it’s just the two of you in the house.

The fact that the last time you tried to set a boundary in your own home and your partner said that she (and by extension, you) did not have a choice is pretty worrying. If nothing else, don’t judge your own feelings as “silly” or convince yourself that you should not be bothered by this—it’s a pretty important boundary that your partner has repeatedly disregarded, and I think it’s wise to take a month apart and live separately. Use that time to think about what you want from a relationship, and a partner, and whether or not you think anything is likely to change. It’s especially troubling that your partner explicitly told you that if you weren’t upset, the two of you would not have a problem: Your partner thinks the problem is not that you aren’t being listened to or respected, your partner thinks the problem is that you’re having feelings, which is a profoundly unhealthy approach to conflict. It may be that while you miss the good times you two have had together, you will find yourself experiencing a new sense of freedom and peace in the month you live apart. That would be worth paying attention to.

Q. Picking up the check: I’m in my early 20s and living at home with my mom in a very expensive area while I wait for medical school. I’ve got a minimum wage job and don’t pay rent but do help out around the house and cook almost all of our meals. She also pays for my gas. My mom has never given me reason to suspect she doesn’t like our arrangement, and insists on certain parts of it (like the gas), but I wonder if I should insist on picking up the check when we go out? I try frequently but don’t insist because “No, no, let me” seems like a hollow gesture when it almost feels like I’d be using her money, since I don’t pay rent and she’s covering my gas! Med school will lead to a secure high-paying job, at which point I will most definitely insist and plan to take care of her in her later years. But should I be insisting more now? If it makes a difference, my mom is an ardently practical woman whose responses to “what do you want for Christmas?” were “for you to do well in school.”

A: This is a lovely letter to get to read. You sound like a pretty thoughtful child, and your mother sounds like a pretty remarkable woman. You’re pulling your weight around the house in nonfinancial ways, and I think it’s wisest for you to continue to save your money now until you’ve gotten one of those “secure high-paying jobs” you’ve got your eye on. If you’re offering, and your mother is continually saying “No,” don’t feel obligated to insist, especially when you’re not currently in a position to be able to do so regularly. If you’re looking for other ways to let her know you’re grateful for all of her support, consider getting her flowers or writing her a letter thanking her for all she’s done.

Q. Ignored anniversary: My husband and I recently celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary. My mother, best friend, and our best man and his wife all congratulated us. My feelings are very hurt because my husband’s mother did not acknowledge it, nor any of my siblings! I want to say something but feel like I’ll sound like a big baby. Or worse, then one of them sends a card or a gift because of my whining! What do you think?

A: I think this is a situation that calls for asking for what you want, no more, no less. The next time you’re speaking to your siblings or your mother-in-law, say, “We just celebrated our 25^th anniversary, and I’m so excited—it’s such a milestone, and I’m so grateful for everything Husband has been to me in our marriage. I just wanted to call you and tell you, because it’s brought me so much joy.” If your mother-in-law and siblings are normally lovely people who care about your marriage with your husband, don’t hold this against them; just let them know your wedding anniversary recently took place and that you were happy to celebrate it, and let them take your cue.

Q. Re: Job woes: “I would love that kind of job and I would excel at it and I would make twice as much money!”

Then DO this! Take hold of your financial future and the opportunities it would provide you! You can always make a difference with volunteering, charitable contributions—there are a myriad of ways available to you in terms of giving back! Now, if you had said, “I’m ho-hum about the field” or indicated a lackluster desire to do the work, then I would not offer this. But you apparently want to do this type of work and you have reason to believe you would be better paid. Do it! Go for it!

A: One strong vote for trying something new!

Q. RSVP from uninvited guest: We let our daughter choose six friends to invite to her upcoming 6^th birthday party at a paint-your-own-pottery studio. I used an online invitation that shows everyone the guest list so that it is clear the whole class was not invited. Nonetheless, one of the invitee’s moms just RSVP’d by email for her child and two others, one of whom is also in their class but was not invited. If it were a party at my house or a park, there would be no issue, but my daughter carefully curated her limited guest list, and the uninvited guest is a boy my daughter doesn’t play with because he’s “too wild.” Is it OK to tell this mom that Wild Billy isn’t invited or is the gracious thing to do just reply, “Great, so glad you all can make it”? If the latter, how do I explain to my daughter why Billy will be there even though she had to not invite other kids in her class who she likes to play with more?

A: You made a reservation at a pottery studio, so I think it’s fine to say, “Grennifer, I’m so glad you can make it, but the studio can’t accommodate anyone who who was not on the additional guest list, and we’re keeping the party just to six children, so please don’t invite anyone else.”

Q. Opposite of hoarding?: You field a lot of questions about hoarding behavior. Is there such a thing as the opposite of a hoarder? I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks, he has seemed great and without obvious quirks ... outside of his house. He lives alone in a big house that is very empty. There are several totally empty closets and bare shelves. There is not a photo or picture to be seen. He takes mail from his mailbox directly to the trash bins outside and sorts it there. I broached the oddness of this gently, and he just says “clutter stresses me out” and that he feels more relaxed when he knows he has plenty of empty space. Does this strike you as pathological? A red flag? My apartment has about-average clutter and he’s never seemed unnerved or bothered by it, for what that is worth.

A: It does not strike me as pathological; there was a best-selling book just a few years ago about how wonderful it is to get rid of most of your possessions, and the minimalist aesthetic is always coming back in fashion. It’s unusual, maybe (although not terribly unusual for a guy living alone), but if everything else about him is great, that’s probably because he’s actually great.

Q. Current partner is not my ex: I had my first serious relationship last year—we moved really fast and ultimately our relationship sort of imploded. I was going through a rough patch due to side effects from some medication and rather than support me, he basically walked away (but said he was doing it for my sake). Now, I am in a new relationship with an amazing guy who is supportive and caring and just overall a much better match for me. But sometimes he does things that remind me of stuff that happened with my ex, and I freak out and get super insecure about being dumped. For example, he noticed I was feeling moody and asked about it. Even though he then tried to cheer me up and was a generally good partner, it made me flash back to when my ex noticed I was feeling moody and basically wanted to dump me because of that. Or my ex made me tons of empty promises, so when my current partner told me he was getting me something but had to delay giving it to me—I just assumed it’ll never happen. So even though my current partner is actually doing the right things, I still have these insecurities and I worry they will eventually ruin my relationship. How do I make sure my old experiences don’t ruin my current one? I’ve talked to my current partner somewhat about having insecurities but don’t necessarily mention it every time something like this happens.

A: If you’re at a point where simply hearing your partner ask if you’re feeling OK (assuming it was something like “You seem upset; is everything OK?” and not “What’s wrong with you?”) flash back to the last time you got dumped, then I think you owe it to yourself to see a therapist. Your instinct to mention these fears to your partner but not to bring them up every time they surface is, I think, a good one—he should know what’s going on with you but it’s also not incumbent on him to reassure you every time you experience an irrational fear. Both you and your new partner deserve to separate this relationship from your last one, and you should get help with these deep-seated insecurities from someone who isn’t your boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to go through this relationship panicked and insecure that you’re about to get dumped—which you might, by the way! It is always possible that a relationship will end, but you should not be frozen or overwhelmed by that possibility.

Q. Re: Job woes: Unless you have experience in software testing, just having a Ph.D. in chemistry (even if it IS from Harvard) won’t necessarily get you the high-paying job you seem to be certain you’d walk right into. Plus, a big job in a big city also attracts lots of applicants. You’ve created an ideal scenario that, unfortunately, probably won’t match your reality for several years. You might be better trying to get a long-distance, part-time coding job on the side now to build that resume.

A: One strong vote for looking before you leap!

Q. Re: Job woes: I am a practicing attorney with a demanding day job. For many years, I also taught business law one night a week at a local community college. It was a very rewarding experience that ended only due to budget constraints on the part of the college. Hopefully, the letter writer can find a similar arrangement allowing him/her to enjoy the best of both worlds.

Q. Re: Job woes: Like the letter writer, I also have a Ph.D. in science from a prestigious university and teach at the college level. I’d like to point out that there is another option here: The LW could move up in the field of science education. Community college salaries are on the low end of the pay scale for college lecturers. If the LW applied for full-time teaching positions at four-year colleges, they stand to make a little more than they currently make at the community college while remaining in the same line of work. There are also numerous administrative positions that are often filled by science Ph.D.s. I don’t know how much experience the LW has under their belt, but college administrators generally make significantly more money than college lecturers while still contributing to the growth and education of students.

A: A reminder that this may not be an either/or proposition. Thanks for all the additional advice!

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Help! I Want to Date My Longtime Friend, but We Already Decided to Just Be Friends.

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 27 Feb 2017 19:46:43 GMT

Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Relitigating a romance: Alice and I have been friends for a very long time. About five years ago, we came close to having a romantic entanglement, but ultimately decided it was best to stay friends.

There was a lot of romantic tension between us for a while after that, but it eventually settled down. However, lately we've been spending more time together, and I’m starting to feel that tension again. At first I thought it was just because of a bad breakup I went through last year, but it’s continued even as the pain of the breakup has died down.

I’ve always been bad at figuring out how other people feel about me, so I’m not sure if she feels the same way. Should I bring up the possibility of giving a relationship of some kind a try, or is it best to let our old decision stand?

A: I think I can see how you two have never quite been able to build up sufficient velocity to get a relationship off the ground. I think it’s worth giving it a go now, but it might help if you framed this not as an exploratory conversation, but as an offer.

Instead of “I’m feeling some tension. Are you feeling some tension? Do you think we should revisit the possibility of romance?”—try “I’ve noticed a strong connection between us, and while I know in the past we’ve decided to just stay friends, I think we might have a really good time if we went out on a date. Would you ever want to go out with me?” Give her something to say “yes” or “no” to.

If she’s anything less than enthusiastic, you can put this behind you and accept that, for whatever reason, you two have a little bit of a spark but not enough to ignite anything beyond a flirtatious friendship.

Dear Prudence Live Chat

Mallory Ortberg — Mon, 27 Feb 2017 17:00:00 GMT

Click here to read Part 1 of this week’s chat.

Approval Required

Mallory Ortberg — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 11:00:00 GMT

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend loves me, is unfailingly kind, self-identifies as a feminist, and is always interested in and supportive of my academic work. Here’s the weird part: He says “good girl” to me, usually when I’ve done something to take care of myself, like put my glasses on when my eyes are tired, or get to sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour. We live together and I adore him, and honestly, I like the “good girl” thing, at least to some extent. I am an approval-craving person, by nature and even though I don’t need it, I love to be validated. I wouldn’t want him to say it in front of anyone, but I do feel guilty, because liking it makes me feel like I’m some kind of sick, weird throwback or that he is. (He doesn’t say it in bed; it’s not a sex thing.) What do you think? Is it a warning sign? Is it OK?

—The Good Girl

I am so pleased to be the person who gets to inform you that you are not in possession of a problem! Your boyfriend playfully affirms you when you take care of yourself, and you like it! He respects and supports you in every meaningful way, so don’t worry that this is some early warning sign that he actually sees you as a child who can barely take care of yourself. He’s cheering on little victories with a slightly silly twist. It’s perfectly fair to let him know that while you enjoy this in private, you don’t want him to say it around other people who might misunderstand, but by all means, continue to enjoy this low-key bit of whimsy in private.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’ve been dog sitting as a second job to pay my bills for years. Usually I stay at the client’s house for a few weeks and care for not only the animal but the home. I recently looked after the dog of a repeat client who has just moved, is newly pregnant, and was leaving town to attend her mother’s funeral. I did and thought things went fine, but now she says she had cameras on the front door and that I didn’t take her dog out enough. I couldn’t always get her elderly dog out the front door, no matter what song and dance I performed, or what treats I offered—she just refused to get up. There were no accidents, and when she wanted to go out, we did. This client has now trashed me on my professional website, saying her front-door videos proves I was negligent to her dog. This isn’t true! I love her dog and took her to the backyard when necessary if she wasn’t walking well. I have explained this and she won’t respond. How do I get through to someone like this?

—Dog Dilemma

Since you’ve sat for her in the past without incident, and you did everything in your power to make sure the dog’s needs were met, you should do your best to bear in mind that this woman’s reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her present situation. This means you are limited in your ability to get through to her, just as you can’t force an elderly dog to go on a walk if it’s tired or in pain. Your client has just lost her mother, she’s about to become a mother herself, and she’s just moved—any of these life changes would be a significant stressor alone, and their cumulative effect is likely overwhelming. If she won’t respond to your attempts to explain, then leave her alone; you won’t do yourself any good by demanding she meet or listen to you when she’s determined to exorcise some of her grief on you. Accept that you have likely lost this woman’s business, and focus on your other clients.

If you have the ability to moderate the reviews on your website, consider taking hers down—you’re not obligated to publicize bad reviews on your own site. At the very least, post a measured response (without compromising the private details of your client’s life) outlining your policy on not pushing elderly dogs past their limits.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My eldest son is a 33-year-old heroin addict and has been since he was 19. It’s a horrible addiction, and at his lowest point last year he stole over $30,000 from his grandmother (my mother). Now he’s in jail facing felony charges. I’ve visited him twice, and he seems clean, which makes me happy, but my problem is that my mother wants me to help him when he gets out, and I don’t see how I can. He’s been “clean” so many times before, and he’s stolen from almost all of his family members, and I just don’t know how to trust him again. I also don’t know how long his sentence will be. He can’t stay with me; I live in a small loft with no doors and I’m very private. I let him stay once before when he was clean, but he thought I was too strict. I’m getting a lot of pressure to help him get back on his feet, and I’m being berated for not supporting him in his “time of need.” I don’t want him to be released with nowhere to go, however. I can’t afford to help him get an apartment, though my mother thinks I should. Am I a terrible parent for saying no? We live in Texas, where there are not many affordable resources.

I’ve supported him so many times before, trying to help him get clean and assisting him financially. He’s tried rehab so many times and it never lasted. He doesn’t follow rules well. I just don’t know how much money and effort it would take to help him.

—Helpless

There is, I think, no amount of financial support you could provide your son with that would ensure his continued recovery, and your mother’s belief that what he needs from you is more money is in fact a delusion. If your son is facing felony charges in Texas, the odds that he will be released in the near future are perhaps slimmer than your mother is willing to admit, and her insistence that he will shortly need help finding an apartment is not based in reality. He may very well be in prison for a long time. While resources for people struggling with addiction may not be thick on the ground in Texas, there are a number of low-cost sober living housing centers available to him. If he is eventually paroled, he may also access addiction support services through the parole division.

The way your mother sees it is this: There is a certain amount of money, time, and effort that your family can invest in your son that will someday put an end to his drug addiction and its resultant destructive behaviors. The reality is this: Your son cannot be made clean against his will, and you cannot make him the slightest bit better by letting him live with you, giving him money you can’t afford to spare, or granting him the opportunity to steal from you again. You can encourage and support his recovery without letting him move in with you or giving him money. If he is determined to stay clean, he can do so apart from you—having financial support from one’s mother is not a prerequisite for anyone’s sobriety—and if he’s not, nothing can make him. Do what you have to in order to stick to your convictions. See a therapist, attend Nar-Anon meetings, practice saying “I’m not going to do that, Mom” and hanging up the phone. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You cannot stand between your son and the world forever; he is 33 years old and will have to make his life his own.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have a disagreement about charitable giving. My partner says that it’s better to let money gain interest in your account and donate it all at the end of your life, whereas I say that in donating to the right causes yearly, your money “grows interest” in terms of how the recipients of your donations make use of it. It does not seem, however, that it’s easy to be confident in which approach yields a greater bounty. What say you?

—When to Give

I think if one could predict with 100 percent accuracy when the exact end of one’s life would arrive, your partner’s strategy might be a sound one. Not to mention the fact that if there are issues that are important to you in the present, waiting until you’re near-death might be too late to contribute to a difference you might be able to make now. Actual giving, however small, will always best hypothetical giving, no matter how great.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am gay and have been living with my girlfriend for about five years. We have plans to get married after we both graduate, but that is a ways off. She was raised by two gay dads and is very close to her birth mom. Her family is large, liberal, and very supportive. My family is not. I am out to my mom and my sisters (my father is dead), but not my extended family. I spend a few days every couple of months with my paternal grandparents. I love them, but they’re old and racist. My younger sister stopped visiting after they made insensitive comments about Latinos (her boyfriend was from South America), and I am now the only grandchild who visits regularly. They don’t know I’m gay, and our conversations revolve around safe, neutral topics.

My girlfriend has gotten increasingly angry with me over “catering to their bigotry.” She doesn’t want to pretend to just be my roommate if they call, hates that I drive hours to see them when other events are going on our lives (I missed her uncle’s wedding), and calls me a coward for lying to them. My grandparents are in their late 80s and not in good health. I know their affection and compassion are limited, but I still love them. I don’t want to cause them stress or have to deal with the emotional fallout. We fight about it every time I plan a trip to see my grandparents. I tell her I need her support, and she tells me I need not to be ashamed of myself or her. Is she right?

—OK to Lie?

There’s a significant difference between choosing not to come out to your grandparents yourself versus asking your girlfriend of five years, whom you intend to marry, to re-closet herself whenever they call, not to mention the fact that you leave her at home every time you visit. You’re asking a great deal of her, and from your letter it seems clear that you want her to continue to pretend to be your “roommate” on demand, as well as cheerfully tolerate your absence from significant life events every two or three months, indefinitely. This is more than mere support. She has a right to resent that request, and to decide whether or not she can see a future based on the kind of relationship you’re asking of her.

That’s not to say your only options at present are “cut off your grandparents immediately” or “break up with your girlfriend.” Consider, however, the possibility that you are using their poor health as an excuse to maintain the status quo—they may not live much longer, but then again one or both of them may carry on for another five to 10 years. Will you hide your engagement from them? Your marriage? Ask your other relatives to pretend they had not attended your wedding in your grandparents’ presence? You’ve been with this woman for five years and hope someday to build a life together. If it’s your intention never to come out to your grandparents, your girlfriend will have to decide whether or not that’s something she can accept. If you are willing to consider the possibility of acknowledging your relationship to them (and giving them at least the opportunity to know and accept it), consider attending couples counseling as you figure out the healthiest way to prepare yourself to have that conversation.

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Dear Prudence,
I’m a 64-year-old man from Los Angeles who has been married for 38 years to a great lady. About 10 years ago, she contracted a form of cancer that rendered her disabled, and we stopped being intimate. Her life now consists of going to get treatment a few times a week and maybe going to the grocery store. She doesn’t have energy for much else, as she gets weaker every year. I will stay with her until the end.

My wife has asked me several times to find a gal-pal or friend with benefits, and says she would be more than fine with this arrangement. For the last eight years my New Year’s resolution was to find a girlfriend to spend time with. I’ve been very slow to make progress, even though I’ve stopped wearing a wedding ring and try to chat up age-appropriate women.

So how do I go about finding a gal-pal if I’m married? I don’t think a website geared toward cheaters is the answer (since I’ve got my wife’s OK and I’m not really looking for a friend with benefits). I was thinking of using a senior dating service like OurTime, but noticed that this and similar sites are for singles only. I really like live theater and see about 30 shows a year; my typical companion is a book. There must be lots of sixtysomething women in L.A. who would like a gentleman friend for going to plays and musicals. How do I make a connection without misrepresenting myself? Thanks for your help!

—Looking for Companionship

As tempted as I am to put out a call for female sixtysomething readers in L.A., I’m not quite ready to turn this column into a matchmaking service. It sounds like you and your wife have two fairly divergent goals here: She wants you to find another sex partner, but what you’re looking for is a regular, mostly platonic date to take to plays. I think that puts you in a slightly improved position, as you won’t have to spend a lot of time (in the interest of getting someone into bed) explaining the specifics of your marriage to prospective theatergoing partners. You’re not violating any sort of terms-of-use agreement for OurTime (or similar service) by looking for friends to go to the theater with; plenty of people use dating apps to look for nonsexual companionship. Don’t feel like you have to restrict yourself to sites designed to help people cheat on their spouses, but do be upfront about how you’re just looking for a friend to see shows with, not a long-term girlfriend or a sex partner.

You might also consider joining a local senior citizens’ art appreciation group—plenty of them schedule regular trips to the symphony and the theater, and you might be able to find friends there. Next time you’re at a play, consider leaving the book at home and trying to speak with some of the other theatergoers; you might find your next date there. It sounds like what you’d like most is to expand your social circle, whether it involves romance or not, which is a much easier task. Good luck.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!

More Dear Prudence Columns

“To Have or Have Not: Our mentally disabled daughter is pregnant. Should we take her for an abortion?”
“An Immodest Proposal: Would it emasculate my boyfriend if I asked him to marry me?”
“Let It Pee?: My brother-in-law urinates all over my bathroom floor.”
“Canine Conundrum: Should I dognap my neighbors’ neglected pup?”

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

“Weight Watcher: Prudie advises a man who lost all feelings for his wife after she gained 50 pounds”
“Die, Bundle of Twigs!: Prudie counsels a woman whose boyfriend uses anti-gay slurs only when playing video games.”
“Open Shut Case: Prudie advises a letter writer who feels guilty for not performing oral sex.”
“Fighting for a Cause: Prudie offers advice on whether to donate to Planned Parenthood in the name of conservative family members.”

Don’t Mess With Ex-Texts

Mallory Ortberg — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 14:35:42 GMT

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Cheating husband?: My husband has been texting his ex-wife rather extensively for some time and he has been hiding it from me. I would not be surprised if this has lasted our whole relationship. I accidentally found a text message to her very early on in our relationship when he asked me to read a text on his phone. I asked him about it right away and he said they were still friends and he didn’t want to stop talking to her. I let it go but have had a hard time trusting him. I have gone through his phone on numerous occasions (I know this is really bad of me) and I have found flirty texts to both his ex-wife and his other long-term ex girlfriend. I confronted him each time and he would apologize and say they were just friends. Pretty soon every time I checked his phone I never found anything but I also had a gut feeling that he started deleting them since I had found them so many times. He keeps his phone glued to him most of the time. Yesterday morning he left his phone on the table and even though I haven’t looked in a long time curiosity got the better of me and I looked. There was a Facebook message from his ex-girlfriend. I stewed about it all day and then last night I told him I was thinking about how he texts his exes and told him that I felt like it was cheating. I told him it hurt me badly and I asked him when the last time he had texted either of them. He said he couldn’t remember the last time he talked to his ex-girlfriend but he had recent contact from his ex-wife. He also told me that he isn’t cheating but he will withhold information from me if he thinks it will upset me. This set the red flags off. This morning I logged onto our mobile phone website and discovered all of the times he has texted his ex-wife in the last 90 days. It was a lot. I plan on talking to him about it tonight when he gets home. My question is, should I call his ex-wife and ask about the nature of the texts before he gets home? I want to know if they were just friendly or sexual. Either way I am upset but if they are sexual I will be more so. I don’t plan on yelling at her or telling anyone else. I just want to know.

A: By no means should you call either of your husband’s exes about this. He made it clear to you at the beginning of your relationship that he maintained a friendship with both his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, and you claimed to “let it go.” You say some of the texts have been flirtatious, which may be true, but separate from that is the fact that you clearly do not want him to have any contact with his exes at all, which is not something he’s ever agreed to do. The message from his ex-girlfriend you’re currently stewing over did not, by your account, contain anything inappropriate—it was the fact that his ex-girlfriend was speaking to him at all that’s upset you. Asking him to unilaterally end his friendships with his exes may not be a reasonable request. What you can ask for is to figure out better ways for the two of you to communicate, for him to reassure you that he’s committed to you and your marriage, and for you to find ways to deal with your own insecurities that don’t involve violating his privacy.

Right now you two are in a deeply unpleasant cycle where he feels he has to hide his friendships with his exes from you, you periodically go through his phone, feel guilty about doing so (although not guilty enough to stop), and he retaliates by deleting his text messages and spending more time talking to people who aren’t you, including his exes. Neither of you trusts the other, which doesn’t make for a happy marriage. I’d encourage you to go to counseling—together if your husband is amenable, separately if he isn’t—to figure out how, at the very least, you can develop more effective communication strategies than going through your husband’s phone when he’s out of the room.

Q. Unhelpful friend after breakup: After three years my boyfriend broke up with me. It was sudden, completely unexpected, and the reason for the breakup seems to have less to do with the relationship and more to do with his current mental state. I am constantly fluctuating between hurt, sadness, anger, and confusion. My friends have been the best. I cannot imagined having a more supportive network. However, one of my friends has decided to rail on my ex constantly talking about how awful he was, etc. He was not awful. I spent three years of my life with this person and I love him. When I try to tell my friend this she says I’m “just making excuses” or “you are better than him anyway.” I find this all unhelpful. It does not make me feel better or help me make sense of the situation. I know she thinks she is helping me by painting by ex as a villain but I just want her to back down a bit and maybe even talk to me about other things. I cannot seem to get her to understand this. Please help.

A: “I’m not going to discuss my ex with you again. I know you think constantly criticizing him is helping me, but I can assure you that it isn’t; I’m not going to move on from this breakup by pretending that there was nothing good about the relationship. If you need to talk about him, please do it with someone else, otherwise we won’t be able to continue this conversation.” Repeat as necessary, and be willing to hang up the phone or walk away to back up your promise.

Q. Really dislike friend’s new beau: A few months after one of my best friends “Rachel” and my husband’s friend “Dan” broke up, Rachel entered a serious relationship with an old flame, “Barry.” This guy rubs me entirely the wrong way. Their former liaisons took place while he was cheating on a long-term girlfriend, whom he continued to date for years afterward. People change, so I’ve tried to give him a fair chance, but he makes it hard. He’s got a jealous streak, jokingly uses certain words in offensive ways, and got so drunk at an event that he knocked over a bunch of expensive equipment and was kicked out. Rachel is totally smitten by this guy, and while I don’t get it, it’s none of my business who she loves and I would never volunteer my feelings to her unless asked, and even then I’d tread very lightly. I’m also keeping my mouth shut among mutual friends since I wouldn’t want that to get back to her. I’m polite to him, but I’ve kept her somewhat at arm’s length recently to avoid hanging out with him. I believe the two of them and some of our friends are starting to notice. Normally this would be OK but the thing is, I’m the one who originally set Rachel and Dan up together, and Dan is still our roommate and great friend. I worry that Rachel and our friend group might think that I just dislike Barry in comparison to Dan. I don’t know what my friends’ true opinions of Barry are, but from what I can tell they all seem to like him just fine. I really don’t want to come off as a jerk who’s taking sides, I just don’t want to be around Stanley very often. Am I doing the right thing, or should I explain myself to anyone?

A: You do not have to explain anything to anyone. You are polite but not close with your friend’s new boyfriend, and if any third party assumes it’s because you prefer her old boyfriend to this one, that’s hardly a stain on your character. Stay the course, and let Barry’s behavior speak for itself.

Q. Guilty secret: I know a secret I wish I didn’t. My sister has been unhappy with her long-term boyfriend for a while. He is older than her, has a stable job, goes to church, but isn’t “exciting anymore.” She has been messing around with an unsavory type behind his back and I get to hear all about it. I have told her to break up with her boyfriend if she was unhappy, that sleeping around behind his back is sleazy, and she gets mad and hangs up on me. But she keeps confiding in me. Only now it is more seriously because she is pregnant now. This guy performed a vanishing act on her so she panicked and slept with her boyfriend to cover it up. She plans to have the baby and lie to her boyfriend. I told her this was an awful lie and she needs to come clean with her boyfriend. She has ignored me totally. I see on Facebook that they have announced their engagement and the pregnancy. Her boyfriend and his family 100 percent on board with this. I live in a different state and only have met his guy once. Our parents don’t know the truth; I am the only lucky recipient of this knowledge. I don’t know what to do. I feel that ethically I should tell him but it would completely destroy my relationship with my sister. She only works part-time and there is no way she will be able to raise a baby by herself. I hate knowing this. What should I do?

A: Your sister has destroyed your relationship with her by forcing you to become involved in keeping a destructive secret from her boyfriend. Nothing you do at this point could destroy your relationship, because she’s already set it on fire by putting you in this position. Tell her that if she’s not going to tell her boyfriend the truth, that you will, because he deserves to know everything. If nothing else, he has the right to know that he should be getting tested, since his partner has been having unprotected sex with both him and someone else. It is not your job to help protect her from the consequences of her actions. Your ethical obligation is to your sister’s boyfriend—who is being deceived—not to your sister, regardless of how she behaves, merely because you two are related.

Q. My best friend is marrying a jerk: I’m in the middle of a pretty clichéd predicament, but I’m really at a loss for what to do. My best friend is marrying a total jerk and she’s asked me to be her maid of honor. Well, not so much asked as it’s “unspoken” because she was my MOH and I’ve just yet to receive an official request. I’ve spent the past couple of days searching for advice on how to handle it. On the one hand, I feel I should support her by being in the wedding and resist the urge to give my two cents, but another part of me feels like it would be disingenuous (not to mention down right difficult) to have to feign supportiveness for this union in word and deed for the upcoming months. I think she probably senses deep down that a lot of her friends don’t like her husband-to-be, but is in denial about it. What say you?

A: It’s worth noting that you have not yet been asked to be your friend’s maid of honor, but you’re already significantly distressed at the mere possibility of having serve as one. That says something about just how difficult putting on an act may be for you, should you accept. If you do act as her maid of honor, and she marries this guy, it’s not as if you’ll be seeing any less of him. Can you see yourself keeping up a polite facade not just during the lead-up to the wedding, but for the rest of their marriage, however long that may be? If you truly think you can (even if that means spending somewhat less time with your friend as a married woman than you did when she was single), and if your friend’s fiancé is merely not to your liking and not abusive or controlling, then by all means, consider the prospect.

If you can’t, you have two other options. One is declining the offer when and if it comes by being frank with your friend and telling her that you can’t support her marriage because you think her husband-to-be is a jerk, and accept the fact that this will likely be a friendship-ending conversation. The other is declining with a blow-easing fiction: Tell her you don’t have the time to take on a commitment like maid of honor, but that you’ll be happy to attend the ceremony—accepting, once again, that she may pull back from your friendship regardless of the reason you give for declining.

Q. Visiting dying people: I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We’ve met each others’ immediate families and I met parts of his extended family at the holidays. His aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months ago. She was supposed to have surgery last week, but when they started the surgery, they realized the cancer had spread farther than they thought and stopped the operation.

I have met this aunt twice. My boyfriend doesn’t particularly like her. Her kids don’t like her. Her sister doesn’t like her. But he expects me to go with him to visit her in the next few days. Is this a reasonable request? This is a woman who’s just had her body opened up and is coming to terms with the fact that she’s going to die much sooner than she expected. I think she should have space and time to adjust, and that it would be strange for a nonrelative to visit. I think that dying is private, not something to be shared with someone you’ve briefly met. My boyfriend says that if the situation were reversed, I would expect him to come with me to visit my dying relatives. But I’ve lost aunts and uncles and would not have wanted someone else going with me when I had my last visits with them.

A: I don’t think you should spend time worrying about what you would do if the situation were reversed; the situation isn’t reversed, and it sounds like your boyfriend would like you to accompany him. There’s nothing wrong with taking bedside visits to the unpleasant and dying on a case-by-case basis. You don’t have to bring him with you when you visit sick relatives, but if he’d like you to come with him, you should consider going—it’s okay for you to prefer privacy and for him to prefer companionship when visiting sick relatives. Don’t think of this as a time when you’ll be forced to feign closeness with a woman you don’t know. Think of it as an opportunity to support your boyfriend during a difficult time, as he finds a way to say goodbye to someone who’s been a part of his life, but he doesn’t feel especially warm towards. You might not be in the room when he’s saying his goodbyes, but if it would provide him with comfort to know that you were nearby, consider going with him.

Q. Jehovah’s Witness sitter: I recently found out a woman who occasionally watches my son is a Jehovah’s Witness. I don’t know many, but I feel somewhat concerned. She has watched him overnight before and has asked that I allow her to take him to church with her if I cannot get him by a certain time. I never had a problem with this until I found out she was a Jehovah’s Witness. She is great, as well as her family. They treat my very young son like family and he loves to be with them. She often asks that I don’t pay her for watching my son as I am a single mom. I love her and don’t want her to stop watching my son. Would it be OK if the next time she asks I tell her no?

A: Yes, it’s fine to decline your babysitter’s request to take your child to religious services. You’re his mother, you get decide what religious training, if any, your son undergoes in childhood. Since your son loves this woman and she takes good care of him, continue your child care arrangement as long as it’s convenient for both of you, but feel enormously free to say “No” if she asks to take him to church.

Mallory Ortberg: “Jeeves, bring me my whangee, my yellowest shoes, and the old green Homburg. I’m going into the Park to do pastoral dances.” See you back here next week.

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