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Strap In or Get Out

Emily Yoffe — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 10:15:00 GMT

Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Q. Seat Belts for the Whole Family: I'm having an ongoing discussion/argument with my husband regarding his seat belt use—or rather, lack thereof—and I'm hoping you can help me! We are in our early 30s and my husband grew up being taught from both his parents that seat belts don't make a difference. His mom had an aunt who was unable to get out of a car after a nasty wreck because she became entangled in the belt, and died. This was of course tragic; however it was many, many years ago, and safety regulations have changed, but husband doesn't listen to that argument. Husband himself rear-ended someone when he was in his early 20s and happened to walk away with just a few bruises, and he will use this to say, "See? I wasn't hurt, and I won't be hurt." Between this and my FIL's small town "I've never worn them, you can't make me" attitude, my otherwise completely logical and amazing husband refuses to wear a seat belt. We now have a child on the way, and I've point blank told him once that child is born, he will be wearing the belt at all times, to which he rolls his eyes and acts like I'm spewing conspiracy theories. I've tried explaining it's for the baby's safety as well as his, and he just replies, "Well of course the kid will be buckled in!" How can I possibly convince him that his not being belted can endanger the life of everyone else in the car as well as his own life?

A: Of the four people in the car the night Princess Diana died, the only one who lived was the one wearing a seat belt. Your husband and his parents simply couldn't be more wrong. Now that your husband is about to become a father, it might be worth it to do some research on seat belts to present to him—the National Transportation Safety Board and Insurance Institute for Highway Safety are a couple of places to start. The story of his aunt's death is a family legend, but who knows how true it is, and likely this is an old story and seat belt technology has improved exponentially since then. I hope your husband knows he will be breaking the law if he refuses to wear a seat belt, particularly while driving with a child. Wearing a seat belt is no more a matter of personal preference than deciding on what the speed limit should be. But if logic won't work, action might. From now on, refuse to drive with him unless he buckles up. Of course this might be inconvenient, but you can explain he is putting your new family at risk by exposing himself to the dangers of being unbelted. If an accident were to happen, he would be an uncontained missile in the car. Explain to him that you would rather not be caring for a new child and a brain-damaged husband, and you are not going along for the ride unless he obeys the law.

Dear Prudence: 7-Year-Old Holy Terror

Q. Stepbrother: I'm a 24-year-old woman who recently moved back home with my parents. My stepbrother is 31 years old and has never left the nest. After moving in, I noticed that my dirty unmentionables began disappearing. Last week, after entering my stepbrother’s room, I found an article hanging beneath his pillow. He's been my brother for almost 15 years. I don't know how to approach this. I love him, but I'm seriously creeped out. What should I do?

A: Do everything you can to get your finances together and move out. A stepbrother in his 30s who’s never left home and steals his sister's dirty underwear—well, I hear those staccato violins squealing in the background. I'm not suggesting you personally are in danger, but there's something seriously off with stepbrother, and you and your laundry would be better off at your own place. But his problem sounds larger than locking up your hamper. If your parents aren't dealing with why their son never fledged, there is some serious pathology going on. Maybe it's time to talk to your parents about what's going on with Norman. Until you go on your own way, maybe you could put a lock on your bedroom door. Certainly you can leave a note on your basket of dirty undies, "Norman, hands off."

Q. Re: For non-seat-belt wearer: Along with research and putting her foot down, the wife could present her stubborn husband with one of those tools that shatters car windows and slices seat belts in case of entrapment. I think they can go on a keychain.

A: Great suggestion. The husband knowing he can slice through the seatbelt might be enough to mollify him into wearing one. A nice, fat moving-violation fine might also help.

Q. My Daughter Is Isolated Because of Me: I'm writing because my daughter, who is 4 years old, is feeling isolated because of me. I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends. Even in grade school I had very few friends. I always felt like I didn't belong anywhere, and I still carry that with me as an adult. My husband and daughter are my comfort zone. So now that I have a child, my problem, for lack of a better word, is affecting her. Every day she wants to do things that normal kids do, but sometimes I physically can't go out the front door or even answer my phone when it rings. The thought of arranging play dates terrifies me. Prudie, I don't know what to do, my daughter is suffering because of ME.

A: Despite your social problems you managed to connect with another person and form a loving marriage, so give yourself credit for this and use it as a platform to build on. Good for you for recognizing your own limits and not wanting them to interfere with your daughter's happy functioning. It sounds, however, as if you're suffering, and that has to be addressed. A cognitive behavioral therapist might be a good choice because the treatment would be focused on giving you exercises to help you overcome your difficulty in going out and socializing. You could tell your therapist one of your goals is to interact more with other parents so that your daughter has access to playmates. I hope your little girl has been in pre-school and that she is signed up for summer programs. That gives her easy access to other children and get-togethers. Try trading off small activities with other mothers. You could offer to take two of the girls out for lunch and to the playground one day, in exchange for the other mother doing it another. And it's a little sexist to expect all childhood activities are filtered through moms. Let your husband step up and arrange play dates, too. Instead of beating yourself up, recognize what you're doing well for your daughter, and address what you can do better.

Q. Re: Seat belts: I worked as an EMT several years—we've never unbuckled a dead person in an accident. We did see people thrown out of cars who were killed, and people who bounced around the inside of a car and were real messed up. Very, very rarely a person will get trapped inside a burning car, but that's very much the exception. For the most part, cars in an accident blow up and burn only in the movies, not real life. I call anyone who does not put a child in a car seat a potential murderer.

A: Thanks for this from someone who has been at the scene of many accidents.

Q. Husband Thinks I'm a Pervert: My husband and I have had a disagreement lately. I see no problem walking around my house in my undies (and sometimes less), not really caring if the curtains are opened or closed. My husband (who won't leave the bedroom without being fully dressed) thinks this makes me perverted since "anyone can look through the windows and see." I think that as long as I don't see anyone outside (and I do double-check) and I'm hardly doing a dance in front of the window, then it's no big deal—typically I'm walking from point A to point B. Am I wrong for thinking there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing in the privacy of my own house?

A: If walking around scantily or unclad in your own home makes you a pervert then the definition of that word has more elasticity than a bra strap. Couples often differ on what constitutes a comfortable level of hanging out when hanging around. Your husband sounds like a Richard-Nixon-walking-on-the-beach-in-a-suit type. You apparently feel any wardrobe is a malfunction when it comes to relaxing. I think partners should give each other a lot of leeway, but also respect respective sensibilities. If watching the playoffs on the couch in the nude is OK all around, great. But if one partner finds that distracting, the other should put on a robe or some minimal clothing. Of course you are entitled to walk around your house minimally (or not at all) dressed. But even if you scan the horizon to make sure no one is nearby, you can't prevent others from coming along, glancing in your window, and getting an eyeful. For extended time around the home, you might be willing to compromise and wear a bathrobe, or shorts and a T-shirt, so that you're relaxed but not on display.

Q. Re: Seat belts: From the OP, thank you for the support and ideas, and from the other commenters. I definitely feel more confident in telling him this is a nonnegotiable, starting now! (As for moving violations, he's lucked out, and only had a couple.)

A: Great. Start putting this into action right away. Sometimes there are things for which there is no compromise, and seat belts are one.

Q. Lost Pregnancy: How Do I Handle Gifts?: After trying for nearly two years, including months of fertility treatments, my husband and I were thrilled to find out that I was pregnant. Our friends, family, and co-workers have shared in our excitement. One co-worker in particular was kind enough to give me enough maternity clothes to last the entire pregnancy. To show my gratitude, I sent her a thank you card and a gift certificate to one of her favorite haunts. Unfortunately, at the second trimester ultrasound we got some very bad news. The baby has a birth defect that is "not compatible with life." (The birth defect was caused by a random genetic mutation and not the fertility treatments.) If I were to carry the pregnancy to term, he would live for a few hours at most. Rather than subject him to this suffering, my husband and I have decided that the most humane option is to terminate the pregnancy. When the timing is right, I would very much like to try to get pregnant again. While grieving this turn of events, I've also been preoccupied with how I should handle the maternity clothes. Do I offer to return them, and if so, how do I have that conversation? It's a trivial matter compared to everything else that is going on, but I am loathe to offend someone who has been so generous with me.

A: I'm so sorry for your news, which is so sad and painful. There's nothing unusual in being in an overwhelming situation and finding yourself focusing on a small, even trivial matter because the big things are just too hard. You didn't say your co-worker loaned you the clothes, you said she gave them to you. You thanked her generously. So there's nothing you need to do about this gift. Your co-worker would certainly hope—as you do—that in due time this gift will again be useful. So put the clothes away and don't give them another thought. If you need to talk to others who have been through what you are going through, consider contacting Share, which is a support group for pregnancy and infant loss.

Q. Soon to Be Former In-Law: My wife and I just learned our daughter and her husband have decided to divorce. It's for a reason discussed here before—he wants children, she doesn't. We're stunned and hurt because he was up-front about this and she has come to a conclusion which we feel is more about her social lifestyle than parenting. But it is what it is and it is her choice. Problem is that we've been crazy about the young man from the first time we met him (he's everything you dreamed of your daughter marrying, i.e. funny, successful, outgoing) and now we are experiencing an incredible sense of loss. It just sounds too weird to think of trying to maintain a relationship with him, after all he's got time to go meet someone else, marry, and have a family, and our daughter would never forgive us. But we're experiencing severe depression over this, to the point where we're actually communicating less with our daughter who we believe is the unreasonable party in this case. What should we do to go on from here?

A: This is a loss. It's a loss of someone you've come to love dearly, and it's the loss of a future you thought would happen. But you're right that it's only going to be destructive to you to take your son-in-law's side in this situation. He will move on, and you don't want to have a damaged relationship with your daughter. This doesn't mean you have hide everything you're feeling, you just have to temper it. You can tell your daughter you feel a sense of mourning because she did choose someone wonderful to spend her life with, and unfortunately it hasn't worked out. Since she couldn't be persuaded by the man she loves to have children, there's no good to come out of your telling her how superficial you feel her decision is and how likely she is to regret it. As you say, this is her choice. If you have some dear friends you feel comfortable in confiding in, this is the kind of thing that it helps to just get off your chest. If you don't want to talk about this with your social group, seek sort-term counseling. Sometimes you just need a sympathetic ear and a box of Kleenex.

Emily Yoffe: Thanks so much, everyone. Talk to you next week.

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Flogging the Issue

Emily Yoffe — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:42:00 GMT

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions.

Q. Stepfather Shames My Daughter: A few months ago, my 12-year-old daughter stole a book from a grocery store. A security guard caught her, and because the store (thankfully) decided not to press charges, her mom and I handled her punishment. I do not think my daughter will shoplift again, and while I want my daughter to understand what she did was wrong, I don't think it's productive to continue to shame her for her mistake. Her stepfather thinks differently. My ex-wife's husband used to be in the military and is now a cop, and he thinks very poorly of criminals. He continually brings up the shoplifting incident to his friends and his family, and he will discuss the moral demerits of my daughter's behavior. My daughter feels humiliated each time he discusses her crime, and she has begun to think of herself as a bad person. My ex-wife claims she has spoken to her husband about how much he discusses the shoplifting incident, but by and large, nothing has changed. I have deep concerns about my children's stepfather, and I'm not sure how to let my ex-wife know how serious I am about this without starting a major feud. What steps should I take next?

A: It sounds as if you and your ex handled this situation very well, but it can't be put to rest because the Great Santini of a stepfather keeps psychologically bashing your daughter. I'm wondering if the incident itself wasn't your daughter's way of acting out against this judgmental, punitive person in her life. I agree you're in a delicate situation since attacking the person your wife has married is bound to not go over well with her. I think you should discuss this with a counselor who specializes in stepfamilies. You need some strategy for dealing with the stepfather and particularly for helping your daughter. She likely could use her own counselor to help her sort through this situation. If things get bad enough, you may need a legal strategy for getting primary custody. You need to make clear to your daughter that you don't like what her stepfather is doing and saying, you want her to be able to talk this out with you, and you will do your best to try to bring this up with her mother. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone is being bullied by the new stepdad.

Dear Prudence: 7-Year-Old Holy Terror

Q. Unwanted Comments: I have a skin condition that causes me to look really red, like a bad sunburn. I've talked with my dermatologist, but unfortunately it's incurable with no treatment options. Sometimes if I'm really stressed or if I've been physically exerting myself, it flares up, and I'm loathe to go out in public. I've had complete strangers go up to me and trumpet, "Wow! Your face is really red! I mean, REALLY red!" I try to brush it off by saying, "Well, that's what I get for taking a cruise ... " However, last weekend I was shopping with a friend when an older man came up to me to (loudly) comment about how red I was. He even called his wife over to look! I uncharacteristically snapped and swore at him, calling him things I can't type here and getting in his space until he quickly slunk off. To be honest, it felt good to let him know what I really thought of all of these awful comments! My friend was shocked at how rude I was and told me that I shouldn't have done that. She knows about my skin condition and has heard the comments before, but when I told her he deserved it and I was sick of being polite, she told me she had to go and left the store. Prudie, I'm so sick and tired of these comments. I'm also upset that my friend doesn't understand how embarrassing and frustrating it is to have people constantly commenting on my appearance. What should I do?

A: It is truly astounding that strangers think they have a right to invade the privacy of those with unusual conditions or disabilities or who have children of a different race, etc. Over the years I've had many questions from these beleaguered troops on how to deflect nosy strangers. The most helpful advice has come from others in the same circumstance, who often advise quick disengagement. Simply walking away can be the best strategy. That way you have underlined the rudeness of the inquiry without the emotional cost to you of engagement. Others have suggested a quick, "Excuse me, I don't talk to strangers." But the key is to have a go-to response that allows you to deflect the inquiry and get on with your day. I totally understand that on this occasion this man was so rude that he flipped a switch in you that caused you to make a scene. However embarrassed your friend was, surely she should have been appalled by the crudeness of the man who insulted you, and she should have understood that sometimes things are just too much and we snap. Of course, you don't want to make a habit of letting fly, but if giving this guy the business this one time gave you a sense of relief, then he sounds like a particularly deserving recipient. Now that things have calmed down, you could reach out to your friend and explain that being pointed at like a circus freak simply made you snap and that you're sorry she had to witness a scene that upset her. If she isn't understanding, then she's not much of a friend. I'm also wondering, however, how much of a doctor your dermatologist is. Of course he or she may be right and there may be simply nothing to do about your condition. But I think this requires a second opinion to make sure you are not missing out on any possible new treatments. I also think you should look into temporary cosmetic fixes. There are skin foundations that are used to cover birthmarks that may be a good solution for you. You say your condition is sometimes so bad you don't want to go out in public, but it's terrible to feel constricted that way. It could be with a few minutes of cosmetic art, you could much more confidently blend into the crowd.

Q. Incest: How do I interact with my brother and the extended family who treat him as a hero (he was in the military) when I recently found out he molested my sister as a child? He was 14 and my sister was 11, I was 10. Long story, but I heard a rumor from another sister and confirmed it with the one who was molested. He brushed it off as "playing doctors." My sister has had a long relationship of fear and strange reactions regarding him, which now make sense. She is 54 and he is 56 now. We are a large close-knit family, share a family camp, gatherings, etc. Funny, but I always kept him at a distance even when younger. I didn't trust him. He always teased us in a way I thought was cruel. He is a nice enough guy now; served his country in the military; has a wife, children, and grandchildren. What do I do with this information? Do I bring this out in the open? Confront him privately?

A: The most looming question is whether your brother's molestation was confined to that one sister or whether he has "played doctor" possibly with generations of little girls. At this point, I don't know how much more you can do than keep a close eye on his interactions with the young people in the family and have several of you who know the original story also make sure your brother isn't alone with any of them. It sounds as if your molested sister is still suffering from the after effects of her violation—compounded by the fact that all of you feel forced into jolly family get-togethers. For advice on what to do, I suggest you, and preferably both you and your sister who was abused, contact either the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network or Stop It Now. It sounds as if your sister needs therapy to work through what happened and to have a strategy for when she finds herself with her brother. The rest of you need to figure out how to proceed and whether there is continuing danger. Even if a family is close-knit, that doesn't mean you are required to be permanently tangled with someone who makes you ill. But you want to talk this all out with people knowledgeable about abuse and how families react when, or if, these long-hidden secrets are unearthed.

Q. Remarried Dad Upsets Mom: When I was young, my father had an ongoing affair (he is now married to the mistress) that eventually led to my parents' divorce. I don't think my mom ever really moved past it although she is remarried to an amazing man who I love dearly. My father and I have never been very close but have built a cordial relationship in the last few years. I'm not sure how to handle my mother on this, as she blows up whenever she hears about any interactions with my stepmother (dinner, a Christmas party, funerals, etc). I understand that the affair was painful, but they've been divorced for 15 years and she's moved on to a better relationship with a better man and is living her dream life. (I don't know how my stepfather deals with her on this matter; it has to be hurtful to him.) My brother also finds my mother crazy about this but has chosen to generally pretend our stepmother doesn't exist to keep the peace with mom—which I find absurd. How do I maintain my very close and wonderful relationship with my mother while still having one with my father and stepmother? My parents still talk on occasion, so I can't just hide it.

A: Your father hurt her a lot, but 15 years later and living her dream life with a more suitable man, it would be nice if your mother could start thinking, "This all worked out for the best." However unhappy the marriage, it is simply unfair, and very bad parenting, for one parent to try to ruin a child's relationship with the other parent. Your mother is not entitled to dictate how close you are to your father or how warm your relationship is with his new wife. Your father at least is doing you the favor of not trying to harm your relationship with your mother and her new husband. So you need to make some boundaries with Mom, and it would be good if your brother would join you in this. You don't have to rub things in her face, but you can start acting as if it's perfectly normal to see your father and his wife on holidays or at large family events—or even for dinner. If your mother blows up, the first few times you have to say, "Mom, I know your marriage to Dad ended badly, but it was a long time ago, you're both happier with other people, and he's still my father." If that isn't good enough, you have to re-evaluate your "close and wonderful relationship" with you mother because in part it requires your being bullied about your having any relationship with your father, and that's not wonderful. Refuse to listen to her rants or have her dictate who you can and can't see. Yes, this will be hard because you have a long pattern of kowtowing to her emotionally. But it will be better for everyone if you stop. And it sounds as if husband No. 2 must be a saint.

Q. From OP on Molestation Question: Thanks. I'll check into those organizations for sure. I would like to know if I should confront my brother with this knowledge. Also, I am quite certain that he has not molested any other young relatives. He cheated on his wife quite often over the years, but they both seem OK with that, so I've withheld judgment except for thinking, "Yuck." I'm guessing that's how he got his jollies as an adult. Also, I want to let you know that my sister is getting counseling now. She suffers from acute depression and was unable to work last year due to it. Now she has breast cancer. I think the depression may be the childhood trauma surfacing.

A: Talk to the experts, but you have to figure out what you want this confrontation to accomplish, because it certainly doesn't sound as if your brother is going to cop to doing anything more than "normal" childhood playing. Your big, happy family seems to have a lot of dark secrets. (This is a well-noted phenomenon.) It sounds, however, as if your energies should be directed toward helping your sister, not toward trying to get something out of your brother that he is not going to give. It is a relief to think that there haven't been other victims.

Q. When Should I Date?: My wife passed away around January 2012. I am blessed with two wonderful children, a 21-year-old and a 13-year-old. I still wear my wedding ring, and the thought of dating someone feels like cheating on my wife. I am also very nervous about dating. How long should one wait to date?

A: I think you're writing to me because you already know that it has been enough time, and as confused, nervous, and guilty as you may feel—which is all perfectly normal—something in you is saying you're ready to get back out there. Start by seeing what it feels like to put away your ring. This does not have to be something final. Maybe stop wearing it during the work day, but put it back on again at night, if that feels better. But you don't want to go out on dates wearing your ring. That just announces you really aren't ready. Of course you're nervous about dating—you haven't done it in years, and you are only facing it again because of your loss. Tell friends you'd like to meet some nice women. I'm going to guess that they'll have a list of names. Start by having lunch, which has the advantage of being a time-limited event. Be prepared to feel a whole bunch of roiling emotions. But consider if you were the one who died whether you'd want your wife to be alone or to find new love. I'm betting it would be the latter, so accept that you're not being unfaithful to her memory by hoping you can find someone else. That instead this is a tribute to the happiness of your marriage.

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Bad Dad

Emily Yoffe — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 10:15:00 GMT

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Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are at odds over our younger daughter and her "blankie.” My mother bought it for me when I was born and it's been loved so much for so long that it's completely see-through. I passed it to both of my girls, but only the younger has been attached to it. My daughter is almost 6 years old and my husband says she's much too old to be carrying around a "rag.” He also has a problem with her referring to blankie as "him" because it’s an inanimate object. My youngest talks with blankie and when she has tea parties she will "feed" blankie. (I was a similarly imaginative child.) My husband wanted to burn blankie or throw it away, but I got him to agree not to by saying I would make a bear and use blankie as stuffing. Blankie has been hidden from her for two weeks. Our daughter cries sometimes at night because she wants to cuddle with blankie, or she will say "I'm afraid blankie is going to die." I want her to have the blanket back, but my husband is adamant. Is there some way I can convince my husband that loving "blankie" is still OK no matter what our daughter’s age?

—Blankie Blues

Dear Blankie,
Please tell me your husband has some other redeeming qualities because as a father he is not only a wet blanket but cruel, punitive, and bizarrely literal. Over the years people (or their loved ones) who were embarrassed or concerned about their security objects, from blankets to stuffed animals, have written in asking whether their continued attachment was abnormal. When I’ve run these I’ve always been flooded with lovely replies from people who continue to have a special place of affection for an article that helped get them through some hard times, including being in a bomb attack in Iraq. In the psychological parlance things like blankie are transitional objects, and their use is perfectly normal and healthy. Given the paucity of blankies at executive committee meetings, most people make the transition and let them go. But giving up blankie could be years down the road for your still 5-year-old daughter—and if she holds onto this shred of assurance over the long haul, that’s fine, too. Your husband’s objection that your daughter calls blankie “he” because it’s inanimate makes me wonder if you’ve married someone who lacks the capacity to understand the minds of others, particularly children. I’m disturbed that in response to his daughter’s tears, your husband wants to incinerate this little piece of cloth. As far as blankie is concerned, you should tell your husband point blank that blankie is yours, and he’s not to get rid of it. But this conflict is not really about a threadbare piece of cloth; instead it’s about your husband’s capacity to be a compassionate and loving father. To address that, start by telling your husband that this issue has made you realize you two need to go to parenting classes together. As a start, hearing from a neutral party that your daughter’s attachment is typical might mollify your husband on this subject. Whether your little girl eventually consigns blankie to a special private place (highly likely) or continues to keep him within reach (possible, but less so), ask your husband this question: What’s it to you?

—Prudie

Dear Prudence: 7-Year-Old Holy Terror

Dear Prudie,
A few years ago I got into an office romance. We were both single and in our mid-20s. It was alcohol- soaked and sex-filled and a hell of a lot of fun. About six months into it I realized this woman and I had virtually nothing in common aside from our penchant for work, sex, and booze. Then we found out we were expecting. We're still together (although no longer working in the same office), we have an amazing daughter, and are both loving and committed parents. The problem is that aside from our daughter, we still have next to nothing in common. I wasn't as happy as I could be, but I accepted this. I never knew my own father and had a chaotic early childhood, so I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness for my daughter's well-being and stability. Then a couple of weeks ago I went to a conference for work. On the first morning, I was seated next to a beautiful young woman and we clicked. We got to know one another during the downtime, and although there was quite a bit of tension, nothing occurred but flirting. Since coming home, I've been struggling. I’m not hung up on the woman from the conference, but I had forgotten how exciting and mentally stimulating simple conversation with someone from the opposite sex can be when you actually share common interests, experiences, and values. I realize that every relationship has its low points and requires a lot of work from both partners, but am I wasting my time? Could my efforts to look out for my daughter's best interests by staying potentially screw her up more than if I just ended things with her mother now?

—Bored and Confused

Dear Bored,
No, it is not going to screw up your daughter to have two committed parents devoted to making a stable, loving life for her, ideally in the same home. The way trends are going fewer and fewer children are growing up with a father in the house, and it’s admirable you want to keep your daughter from experiencing this, especially since you know the pain of lacking a father entirely. I assure you she doesn’t care that Daddy and Mommy aren’t soul mates. You may not be delirious, but you don’t sound miserable, either. The beautiful woman at the conference may have triggered your longing for all you're missing, but keep in mind that an alluring and fascinating stranger can have a powerful effect on even the most happily married person. You should acknowledge what an accomplishment it is that you and the mother and your child have made things work thus far. It’s worth trying to make a conscious decision with your girlfriend to do things as a couple that will build connections and conversation. You could volunteer together for a cause you both care about, take up running, or, given your mutual past pleasures, join a wine-tasting club. You two have also avoided the big questions, and it’s time to face them. You certainly don’t want to find yourself having another child with your girlfriend without ever really deciding to commit. Just learning how to talk to each other about what you want out of life—before deciding to find it elsewhere—is a good place to start.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
I have a half brother from my father's first marriage. Recently my father's first wife revealed to my mother that my father is actually not the biological father of my half brother. It turns out my "brother," who’s almost 40, has known for 10 years. He even has his biological father listed on Facebook. So everyone knows this big secret, except my father. It's starting to cause problems between my mother and me because I feel my father needs to know, and she thinks it's best to keep it quiet because it will devastate him. My father always raised me to do the right thing no matter how difficult it is, but I don't think this is something I can handle. I can't stand keeping this from my dad, but how could I possibly tell him?

—No More Lies

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Dear No More,
Slate recently ran a story by my colleague Daniel Engber on genomic testing, which has been revealing that many men who think they’ve sired their children actually haven’t. But no one has to spend money getting their saliva analyzed to confirm that—just read this column. So your father is another one of the cuckolded men who’ve devoted their love and resources to raising the genetic offspring of someone else. But fatherhood is not just about DNA, and nothing will change the fact that your half brother is your father’s son. It’s unfortunate that your father’s first wife has loose lips as well as loose morals. I don’t understand the purpose of blabbing this news to everyone, apparently, except her ex. But once your father’s first wife decided to come clean with her son, one or both of them should have informed your father. I hope you have a good relationship with your half brother because it would be helpful for you to talk to him about this knowledge, why you think your father deserves to be told, and that he should be the one to do it. It could be he agrees with your mother that telling your father will only cause pain. You don’t want to tell, and I don’t think it’s your obligation. But it’s true that if the gossip mill is churning your father might find out. If he does and comes to you, you can let him know he’s always been a great father to all his children, and no paternity test will change that. I also urge you to see Sarah Polley’s extraordinary new documentary, The Stories We Tell.

—Prudie

Dear Prudie,
My wife and I are in our early 50s and my mother-in-law died almost two years ago. My wife’s parents were married for 55 years, and as an only child she was close to both of them. The death was devastating for everyone. My father-in-law is a healthy and energetic 84-year-old with a comfortable retirement portfolio. Eventually he decided to try to find a companion and turned to the Internet. On his first try he found a woman with similar interests and they started dating. We met her and she has a nebulous life story. She’s not sure of the status of her previous husband (her fourth) because his family took him from her care and put him in a nursing home. Her grown children are constantly asking her for money, so she has very little. We did our best to be accepting of her, but our alarms were going off. Things progressed quickly and my father-in-law is now at the beck and call of his girlfriend’s children, but started to fall out of contact with my wife. He refused to let us take him out for his birthday—we invited his girlfriend—and instead went alone with her. Now her father called to say that he’s been feeling ill lately, with dangerously low blood pressure, and he thinks the cause is the diet pills his girlfriend convinced him he needed and purchased for him as a gift! Now this has become a health and safety issue in our minds, and we feel we need to speak up and voice our concerns to him. He says he intends to have her move in with him permanently by Christmas, but that neither of them want to marry again. We're becoming increasingly worried, but are we meddling or being justifiably protective of my father-in-law?

—What Do We Do About Dad?

Dear About,
You are not meddling by wanting to disentangle your father-in-law from the web of this black widow who is in the process of emptying his bank account and alienating him from his loved ones. Elder abuse can be insidious, especially if the victim apparently has all his marbles. But at this point your father-in-law’s relationship may be causing him to be roiled by a combination of attraction, fear, embarrassment, and powerlessness. I agree with you that it’s alarming this woman who’s not quite sure if her last husband is among the living, is now drugging a vulnerable old man. Read up on elder abuse at this government website, then find a specialist in elder-abuse law at the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Your father-in-law may resist, but you two have to try to protect Dad.

—Prudie

Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.

More Dear Prudence Columns

“Skin Deep: Should a husband tell his wife how he feels about her physical flaws?” Posted March 22, 2012.
“My Gay Husband: He’s closeted, but I don't mind. Should I set him free anyway?” Posted March 15, 2012.
“Gastric Warfare: I fear my mother-in-law is poisoning me, but my husband doesn’t believe it.” Posted March 8, 2012.
“Smell Ya Later!: Should I break up with my fiance because he thinks I have horrible body odor?.” Posted March 1, 2012.

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

“The Wrong Touch: In a live chat, Dear Prudence offers advice on a frisky roommate, felonious family members, and friends who become lovers.” Posted April 2, 2012.
“Whoa, Momma: During a live chat, Dear Prudence offers advice on having children after tragedy, elective surrogacy, and the demands of parenting twins.” Posted March 26, 2012.
“Should I Leave My Infertile Partner?: In a live chat, Dear Prudence advises a man who wants to bolt after learning his girlfriend can’t have kids.” Posted March 19, 2012.
“Sex Education: In a live chat, Prudie advises a student whose pregnant friend doesn’t know where babies come from.” Posted March 12, 2012.

Dear Prudence: 7-Year-Old Holy Terror

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 15:42:20 GMT

In this week's video, Prudie counsels a woman who’s terrified of her hell-raising and possibly dangerous 7-year-old neighbor.

Watch more Dear Prudence videos at Slate V.

The Long Walk to the Altar

Emily Yoffe — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 09:47:00 GMT

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click here to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Dear Prudence,
I am getting married to the love of my life next summer, and my parents have graciously offered to pay for our wedding. But if I ask my brother's fiancée to be one of my bridesmaids, I'm worried that my parents may refuse to pay. My parents and brother are estranged, and have had very limited contact for several years. Their relationship is tumultuous, and I've done my best to stay out of it, but frequently I do something that makes my parents think I've formed some sort of alliance with my brother. These "infractions" have included attending their daughter's birthday party, taking photos with her and posting them on Facebook, and going out to dinner with them. This has caused me to also have a somewhat strained relationship with my parents for the past year or so. I want my brother’s fiancée to be a bridesmaid and their daughter to be a flower girl, but that also has the potential to cause a big problem. How much say do my parents have about our wedding? I love them all very much, but I'm at a loss as to how to move forward.

—In the Middle

Dear Middle,
As you will likely see, the people who control the purse strings have the power to tie you in knots. Maybe there’s a justifiable reason for the parental estrangement from your brother. But your parents come off in a very poor light if the problems with their son have them cutting their grandchild out of their lives—and wanting you to shun her, too. Yes, you are in an “alliance” with your brother—it’s called being siblings. and you are entitled to have a good relationship apart from whatever craziness affects his interactions with your parents. You may discover that having both the wedding of your dreams and control of the guest list are incompatible because the checkbook will snap shut if you brother and his family are included. So address this early on. Tell your parents you appreciate their offer and want to make clear that your brother and his family will not only be at the ceremony, they’ll be in the wedding party. If your parents balk, I hope you decide that the perfect dress and filet mignon are less important than the people you love. Tell your parents that if their money comes with the condition that your brother’s family be blackballed, you will put on the wedding you can afford by yourself. I hope you discover that being able to start your new life without being manipulated by your parents means that, if need be, a trip to City Hall and a barbeque is preferable to a fancy affair. Do invite your parents and tell them you hope they’ll be able to put aside their differences with their son and attend your happy day.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
Can you mention that wedding toasts should not be roasts? I recently attended a family wedding and was quite surprised at a toast given by a member of the wedding party. I'm sure a number of people were just trying to keep smiling and hope it wouldn't get worse. More than the bride and groom were being disparaged, and you just don’t say things like that around grandparents. It could be that the person who gave the toast had been drinking too much and got emboldened, but who knows. I later heard a story about an inebriated best man who embarked on a story involving a trip to Paris with the groom and a prostitute and the groom got up and stopped him by saying he’d had too much to drink and would be embarrassed in the morning. I hope that there can be more awareness of what is appropriate for wedding toasts, and what is best saved for bachelor and attendants parties. Maybe we don't need to find any occasions for unkind and derogatory humor.

—Say Something Nice

Dear Say,
I agree with you that a wedding is not the time for people to hope for a breakout performance on a Comedy Central roast. Sure, the best wedding toasts are both amusing and warm, and anyone who knows the couple well should be able to come up with a charming anecdote or two that will cause laughs. But if the person giving the toast has no gift for humor, it’s better to go with sappily sincere than tastelessly obscene. After the best man or maid of honor sketches out the toast he or she should imagine saying it directly to Grandma or Grandpa. That should be enough to edit out hilarious reminiscences about sex workers, STDs, and one-night stands. Toasts tend to be remembered for the feeling they leave, not the specifics of their content. People holding a glass while holding forth should make sure they don’t become the toastmaster whose outrageous words will never be forgotten.

—Prudie

Dear Prudie,
My husband’s brother has multiple health issues—some of his own making—and all of them exaggerated. He hijacks every conversation so that he can talk about himself and his health. His problems include mental and emotional ones, too. Family members try to avoid him at gatherings but someone always has to listen to his "organ recital.” At a nephew's college graduation party, this brother-in-law was giving his speech to a terminally ill man, who the hostess was finally able to rescue. There are two family weddings coming up this year, and we know my brother-in-law will recite his list of problems to whoever is unfortunate enough to sit near him. Is there a way to intervene without being impolite to either the BIL or his victim?

—He’s a Gasbag

Dear Gasbag,
Keep in mind that however exaggerated your brother-in-law’s physical health problems, his mental ones sound real enough. So he deserves firm but sympathetic handling. Since you’re going to be a guest at these weddings, you and your husband should suggest to the couples getting married that you two—and you’d like some other family volunteers—will offer yourselves up for chaperone duty for your brother. A group of kind family members should then keep an eye out for the brother-in-law at the reception and intercept him when he’s gone on long enough with an innocent guest. Then during dinner several of you should take turns sitting next to brother-in-law for 15-minute intervals. You each can explain the musical chairs by saying, “Bob, it’s been too long, I wanted to sit next to you and hear how you’re doing!” Then zone out while murmuring an occasional, “That sounds awful.” This will be a better gift to the bride and groom than anything you could purchase off their registry.

—Prudie

I’ve often wondered whether grooms noticed when their brides-to-be went on rampages of self-acclamation. Then, a year ago this email arrived in my inbox:

Dear Prudence,
My fiancée and I are having some difficulties regarding budget issues for our wedding. I found out that in addition to choosing the most expensive vendors possible, she has hired a choreographer and could spend considerably more than $10,000 for costumes, dancers, dance lessons, etc. for a wedding performance piece starring her. It screams of excess and narcissism and I find it distasteful. I would be much more comfortable with a simple ceremony and reception. Where should I draw the line? My feeling is that a wedding is about a celebration of family and friends, and we should try to be good hosts, while her opinion is that this is a day for people to celebrate and focus on us. Do I have a leg to stand on to tell her I think that the dance is a waste of money and embarrassing, or should I back off?

—Subdued Groom-to-Be

I sent a private, one-line reply to the groom. Recently, I received this update:

Dear Prudie,
Your response to me was a simple, "Why are you marrying this woman?" That question hit me like a rock to the head. I tried to draft a couple of responses, but since I couldn't justify anything to myself on paper, I couldn't send something to you. We had some painful discussions about what we wanted to accomplish and how we wanted to live our lives and realized that those two visions weren't as similar as we had originally envisioned. Ultimately, we weren't the right people for each other, even though we tried our best. My fiancée and I separated shortly after I sent you the letter. While I loved her, I realized that you had pointed out a flaw in our relationship; I should have had a very clear answer to the question and I didn't. I know that I will the next time I am considering walking down the aisle.

Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.

“Stop the Scourge of Wedding Presents: They’re outdated, inefficient, unfair, and unnecessary,” by Matthew Yglesias. Posted Tuesday, June 11, 2013.

“My Big Fat Disney Wedding: I’m a tomboy, not a princess. Here’s why getting married at a huge theme park was a delightfully practical decision,” by Rachael Larimore. Posted Tuesday, June 11, 2013.

“This Is the Last Time I Will Ever See You: After every wedding, there is a dear friend who will immediately disappear from your life. And that’s OK,” by David Plotz. Posted on Wednesday, June 12, 2013.

“Click Here to RSVP: Online invites are now far better than paper. And yes, you should even use them for your wedding,” by Farhad Manjoo. Posted on Wednesday, June 12, 2013.

“How to Be a Better Best Man: Flirt with the mother of the bride, but don’t grind with her,” by Troy Patterson. Posted on Wednesday, June 12, 2013.

More Dear Prudence Columns

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

End of the Line

Emily Yoffe — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 10:15:00 GMT

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click here to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She’s off next Monday but will be back online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers on Monday, June 17.

Dear Prudie,
A year and a half ago I began dating an amazing man with whom I had been friends for a few years. We are both in our late 20s, and a month after we got involved I explained that if we were to continue dating he needed to understand that I did not ever want to have children. He thought about it and told me he never really saw himself having children either and the (non)issue was settled. His parents separated when he was little and I have spent time with both of his families who have welcomed me with open arms. During a BBQ at his father's house, his dad had a few beers and tipsily admitted he can't wait to have grandchildren. He sensed my discomfort and asked "You don't want to have kids?" and I gently explained that it wasn't something I saw in my future. He has never brought it up since and continues to be warm and inviting to me. My boyfriend is his dad's only child. His mother has a daughter by her second marriage who is autistic. I've come to the realization that I could be ruining his parents’ only chance at grandchildren, and I feel horrible about it. I haven't brought it up to my boyfriend because I'm certain he would respond that this is his decision and his parents will just have to accept it. While that is certainly true, I can't help feeling guilty that I am taking away the chance for his wonderful parents to be wonderful grandparents. The feeling is so strong that sometimes I think I should just let my boyfriend go while we're still young so he can find someone who can stomach the thought of kids. What should I do and how do I stop this tidal wave of guilt?

—Grandkid Guilt

Dear Guilt,
It is admirably sensitive of you to consider the implications of your decision for your boyfriend’s family. Realizing a grown child will never have offspring can be a major psychological blow to the parents. It’s particularly intense if that grown child is an only child. (Your boyfriend’s mother does also have a daughter, but that child’s degree of disability may preclude her from having children.) Good for you for having this internal debate, but now it’s time to make it external. You simply have to include your boyfriend in your thought process. I agree he’ll probably dismiss your fears and say having kids is not for him. But I’m concerned that while your desire to remain child-free is well-considered and long-standing, his may not be. If you’d said early on that having children was important to you, and wherever your relationship ultimately went you wanted to make sure he was someone who shared that desire, I’m betting he would have come back to you and said he saw himself becoming a father. You’re young and in love, and being youthful and besotted makes it hard to focus on abstract issues like parenthood, especially when your circle of two seems so complete. You need to tell your boyfriend about the exchange with your father. Explain to him his dad has never mentioned it again, but your conscience has been pricked by this and you are troubled. Tell him you’re not asking for reassurance or a declaration of how happy he is with you. You are asking that he truly contemplate what it would mean to him, and yes even to his parents, if you two were to stay together and never have kids. I’ve gotten many heartbroken letters from people who thought they were part of a couple who shared the same views on having children, only to find a partner had changed his or her mind. This has gone both ways: someone who never wanted kids experiencing a compelling and unexpected desire for them; or someone who always assumed children would be the natural progression realizes they aren’t. There’s no way to ensure this won’t happen to any couple. But with a decision as profound as this one, it’s important that both people feel it was arrived at after the deepest thought.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence: Food-Freak Husband

Dear Prudence,
I'm a woman in my 50s who started masturbating when I was about 12 and have ever since. As a young girl, I discovered my orgasms were much more intense and a lot faster (just a few minutes) and easier if I had my legs straight out on the bed with muscles tensed. The problem is that now I have to do that to be able to come. I hate it and am embarrassed about it. My lovers have never expressed a problem with this—to the contrary—but I am still deeply ashamed. I have tried to climax in other ways but it took a really long time and I needed a vibrator to finish. I fear my current lover will get tired and bored with my "patented method.” I told a close girlfriend about this last year and she blurted out, "Ewww: mannequin!" which was a kick in the gut. But should I just get over my shame, and if so, how?

—Mortified

Dear Mortified,
When you’ve let your lovers in on your supposedly shameful secret that you must stick your legs straight out in order to have a Mount Pinatubo–intensity orgasm, to a man they’ve responded, “I can work with that.” Over the decades you’ve worn a powerful groove between body and mind that is a shortcut to ecstasy. This is not a cause for despair but celebration. Just because you have a “patented method” does not mean you’re a dull lover. You can engage in all sorts of gymnastics, but at some point during the session, you will feel the urge for your legs to stiffen. By your own account, no one has ever softened in response. The only negative I see is that it’s your personal method and not universally applicable. The world would be a happier place if the countless women who never reliably get off could solve this frustration with a session of mannequin legs.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I recently found out I'm pregnant (yay!). We have very few disagreements and generally see eye-to-eye on most things. But we fundamentally disagree on whether or not to find out the gender of our unborn child. I don't want to find out; he does. I could go through all of the arguments, but neither of us views it logically. Me: It doesn't really matter what the gender is, I'd rather be surprised. Him: Hates surprises. This is one of the few things in life that there's no compromise, because you either find out or you don't. I also don't think that it would work for him to find out and me not to—I know the answer would be revealed one way or another. How can we resolve this?

—Future Mom

Dear Future,
Relative to the length of human history, it’s only in the last nanosecond that we’ve had the technology to know the sex of an unborn child. For endless millennia, parents-to-be have accepted they’ll just have to wait for the baby’s arrival and in the meantime they just paint the cave a neutral color. Your husband’s argument that he doesn’t like surprises is specious because anyone who can’t handle surprises should not get into the parenting game. You’re right there’s no compromise position here, except maybe to be told that one of the baby’s sex chromosomes is X. But all things aren’t equal in the childbearing business, and to break this deadlock, I say the choice goes to the person who’s actually doing the gestating. In any case, in a few months this mystery will be resolved and you’ll realize how silly it was to fight over this, because having a child is a series of unfolding mysteries. As for this information coming out beforehand, when I was pregnant I elected to be told our daughter’s sex. Then at one of my last obstetrician appointments before my due date, as my doctor looked at the sonogram screen she said to me, “I can’t remember. Did you want to know what sex she is?”

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our late 30s and I am lucky to be able to raise our three young children full-time. My father gave each of his three daughters money to buy our homes as wedding gifts. Although my mom left him when I was in my teens, we all managed to spend holidays together and life was pretty darn perfect. Five years ago he met a woman with two teenagers, fell in love and remarried. I couldn't stomach being around her and her children in the beginning. But I have accepted that I have had this person shoved into my life and have come to like her. I hate to admit it, but her children are good kids. But it sickens me to see this happy little family living in my childhood home, and I refuse to visit. They take my three girls to dinner or movies once a week, but it’s my father’s wife who calls to make the plans. I’ve decided unless my father asks, I will refuse to respond. My sister says I should be glad that at almost 70 years old he is happy, and to cut them some slack. But this is eating me up and I am getting to the point where I am honestly done with my father. How do I get through to him?

—Secretly Seething

Dear Seething,
The question really is how your sister can get through to you. You have a wonderful life, yet you’re eaten up with resentment that your father has also made one for himself. Not only that, these newcomers have expanded the universe of people who embrace you and your children. The best I can offer is this literary assignment. Read the poem “In the Desert” by Stephen Crane and reflect on whether you really want to be this creature:

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter—bitter,” he answered;

“But I like it
“Because it is bitter,
“And because it is my heart.”

—Prudie

Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.

More Dear Prudence Columns

More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts

Dear Prudence: Food-Freak Husband

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 12:05:00 GMT

In this week's video, Prudie counsels a pregnant woman whose once overweight husband bullies her about what she eats.

Watch more Dear Prudence videos at Slate V.

Embraceable Me

Emily Yoffe — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 10:10:00 GMT

Q. Is This Cheating?: I have been mostly happily married for 13 years. My husband and I get along really well, and I love him very much. That being said, he is not the most affectionate person anymore. We used to cuddle a lot when we were first married and I have told him how much I miss it. He says he doesn't enjoy it because it's too hot. He'll make an effort to snuggle while watching TV sometimes if I ask, but I can tell while we're doing it that he is counting the minutes until he can stop. About a month ago, I was having a very bad day at work and a male co-worker/friend told me I looked like I could use a hug. Prudie, I did need a hug and he gave me one and I started crying because I couldn't remember the last time I had received nonsexual affection from someone without begging. My co-worker asked why I was crying and when I told him he said he loved his wife very much, but she wasn't affectionate either and he knew exactly how I was feeling. Since that day we've been meeting in his or my office after work a couple of times a week to hug each other. And that's all we do—there is no groping or kissing or even talking going on, we just hold each other for five to 10 minutes and then we go home. I like having a hug buddy and I've found my relationship with my husband is actually getting stronger because I am not so needy for affection from him. Of course, I have not told him about hugging my co-worker and I'm sure if I did he'd be upset, but I don't feel like what I'm doing is cheating. Is it?

A: Ah, Hug Buddies! Forget whether this is cheating, I see the possibility for a fantastic franchise opportunity ahead. Unless you are married to someone who is insanely jealous over totally normal interactions with members of the opposite sex, a good rule of thumb about cheating is that if you wonder about the propriety of what you're doing, and if you know your spouse would object, then you've entered dangerous territory. Additionally, your after-hours body contact at the office may be therapeutic for the two of you, but you have the makings of a Feydeau-esque farce when someone walks in to discuss the quarterly sales figures. Of course, if you decide to take the hugs off-premises, you know it won't be long before you realize neither of you get kissed very often by your spouses, and you'll add that to the repertoire. Then it will be a short trip to horizontal affection and you two can be buddies of a more vernacular sort. The fact that you have found such release and comfort from your colleague's hug tells you what a trough your marriage has fallen into. Your husband's excuse for not touching you is that it's too hot. Unless you live in a tropical climate and the air conditioner is broken, this explanation is absurd. You don't need to tell your husband about your hug buddy, although I think you need to let go of said buddy. You need to address something that's become a crisis in your marriage. Tell your husband you are withering from a lack of affection. It would be one thing if you married someone who couldn't stand touching you, but when you got together there was plenty of nonsexual touching. Say that if he won't go to a counselor with you, you'll go alone, because while you love him very much, you feel he's set you adrift.

Dear Prudence Live in New York: Prudie’s Toughest Question

Q. They Can Ask, but I Don't Want to Give All the Info!: I have a scar going across the right side of my face. It starts just beside my right eye and goes down to near the end of my nose. Now, after some cosmetic work, it's not terribly ugly or gnarly at all, but it is there. I do not mind so much having people ask me where it came from, I'd much rather they ask than be stared at. Unfortunately, the nature of my scar is tragic ... and it often causes a whole lot of awkwardness and even more probing questions, ones that I am less comfortable with. The scar came from my mother, who got drunk one night when I was 7 years old, and broke a wine glass across my face. Usually I say something like "Oh, a childhood injury," but more often than not that leads to the question "Now that's got to be a great story! What happened!?" Is there an explanation that I can give that won't give away too much info, but will make it clear the topic isn't up for discussion anymore?

A: Oh, my heart lurched when I read how this happened. I hope that your mother got the help she needed and spent the rest of her life trying to repair her relationship with you. This reminds me of Tina Fey's facial scar. She refused to talk about it for years, but finally the pressure got so great she explained that she was attacked by a stranger when she was a little girl. I can totally understand that your story is one you simply do not want to tell, except to those closest to you. You need to be able to deflect people without going into details. I think this is one of those cases in which a little altering of the truth is perfectly justified. You can say something to the effect that when you were very little you were engaged in horse play and unfortunately a glass was nearby. Then if you're pressed you can close down the subject out by saying that the whole thing was a traumatic, bloody mess and you'd rather not relive it.

Q. Friend's Husband Implying the Worst: About six months ago, a family moved into the house next door. I became good friends with the mother, as we both have boys the same age and got to know each other as the kids played together. We were talking one afternoon about our pre-husband days, and I let slip I had dated girls in the past. She shrugged it off as no big deal, but her husband overheard and now apparently thinks I'm after his wife. He will make snide remarks to her implying that she is cheating on him with me, he gets defensive when she and I do normal friend things for each other, and I'm afraid of losing my friend to the pressure he's putting on her. Nothing untoward has ever happened, nor will it, and frankly we are both getting offended at his implications, but he brushes her off when she tries to explain or tell him how much it bothers her. I know he's the one with the problem, but is there some way I could seem less threatening without cutting all contact?

A: Let's see, to convince this guy that you're not going to steal away his wife, you could come on to him! It is amazing how when insecure people see a threat to their marriage they manage to turn themselves into the most unappealing partners possible. I wish that instead of trying to mollify him, that you and your friend would start slowly rubbing sun block on each other or tenderly painting each other's toenails. But you're right, that your friend is married to this guy is her problem and there's nothing you can do. So just be your friendly, normal self. But do prepared if your friend starts getting busy with activities or arranging other play dates for her son to which yours is not invited. It may be that distancing herself from you will be a concession she feels it is necessary to make in order to mollify the jerk she married.

Q. Heartbreak, USA: I am considering having a child with my married ex-boyfriend. We recently reconnected and have spent time together, without things going too far. I still love him and he claims he never stopped loving me. After our breakup I cut all ties, but knew of the marriage through mutual friends. After seven years, he sought me out. It was great catching up with him because I really missed our friendship. I don't want to cause issues in his current relationship. However, my clock is ticking and he is the only man I've ever considered being a parent with. I'm getting older and I'm in a great place with my career and finances. I date, but no one seriously. I want to start a family, and I know my ex will be a great dad. If he agrees to start a family with me, I am even willing to keep the baby's paternity a secret. I know this is inappropriate, but it doesn't necessarily feel "wrong." How out of line would it be to bring this up with him?

A: If this is your idea of a good idea, then you're not ready to be a parent. Not only should you not be considering him as a sperm donor, you should stop seeing him. Unless you're interested in opening a franchise of Hug Buddies, you know exactly where this reconnecting is going. If this guy is unhappy in his marriage, let him leave his wife, then you two can start actually dating. If you want to become a single mother, then you need to do some serious planning and thinking. One of the things you have to think through is that it's simply not fair to a child to say, "Sorry, the identity of your Daddy is a secret."

Q. Perpetually Late Parents: My in-laws, with whom I have a generally decent relationship, are late to everything, most recently by a good hour and 15 minutes to a small birthday gathering we had for my husband's birthday (they live 15 minutes away). They rarely apologize for being late, and seem to assume we'll just wait for them, which we do, to my quickly growing resentment. They have always been like this, but I no longer feel like we should accommodate their behavior. Is it worth the potential kerfuffle to start going ahead with planned activities, latecomers be damned? I'm happy to give a 20–30 minute window, but otherwise I feel that decades more of this will put me in the loony bin.

A: I grew up with parents like this (the Thanksgiving stuffing was cold and congealed by the time we showed up at my grandmother's for the meal) and I still struggle with tardiness. But at least I know I'm in the wrong. You need to get your husband on your side, where I hope he will be, and then you need to proceed with whatever the event is and let the in-laws show up whenever they like. If they come when everyone is eating dessert, pleasantly ask if they would like a plate of dinner or if they'd rather just join everyone for cake. If they get offended, don't rise to the bait, just explain that you had to go ahead with the meal when it became clear they were tied up. Either they will improve, or they will miss everything. But you won't be forced to kowtow to their rudeness.

Q. Divorce, H.S. Reunions: I married my high school sweetheart shortly after we graduated from college. Two years ago he asked for a divorce, and I subsequently discovered he had impregnated and wanted to marry another woman. It was awful. Now our high school reunion is coming up. I would like to go. But while many of my friends from high school knew my ex-husband and I married, I don't think many of them know we divorced. I'm not sure how to field questions about how he is or (God forbid) why we divorced. There is also a possibility I will see my ex-husband and his new wife at the reunion. I have no desire to cause a scene or confront him, but it would be painful to see them together. Part of me thinks I should forget about the reunion, but it seems foolish to not attend an event I want to because he might be there. Do you have any advice about how to navigate this situation?

A: You first go to the store and get a killer dress, then you RSVP that you're coming and commit yourself to having a great time. Maybe you get in touch with an old friend and arrange to travel together, just so you have a pal to lean on. There is nothing you have to explain beyond the simple facts that yours was a high school romance that bit the dust and your ex is now remarried. It's such a common story that when you deliver it in a matter-of-fact way it shouldn't get anything more than a "Sorry it didn't work out." As for running into this pair, all you have to do is nod to them, and silently be grateful you've got this cad out of your life.

Q. Precious Future SIL: My brother recently announced his engagement to "Sally," a woman he has been dating for three years. Sally is very nice and seems to make my brother happy. However, she is a bit ... precious. She will correct any adult who uses a swear word; during discussions of R-rated movies she says things like, "Isn't is a shame people think the only way to tell a story is through bad language, sex, and violence?"; and she refuses to discuss any current events that are not feel-good news stories. My husband and I are careful not to offend her, but honestly, it is hard for me to think about being that careful at every family gathering for the rest of my life. I had lunch with my brother this week and gently brought up that his fiancée is a bit on the sensitive side. He said all of her preferences of entertainment (Disney/Pixar movies, the very occasional romantic comedy) and choice of hobbies (heavy on the arts-and-crafts) are geared toward very innocent things. My brother said that he loves her despite this. How can I learn to curb my language and conversation? Also: Is there any hope she will come around to the Dark Side?

A: It is not your job to keep Sally from getting the vapors. Sure, try not to use obscenities in front of her, but that's just basic good manners at social events. Otherwise, carry on. Let's hope Sally doesn't cover her ears and go, "Nah, nah, nah, can't hear you," when you discuss Game of Thrones or Syria. And surely any conversation will eventually turn to more anodyne topics. But if she can't stand adult topics, then she should hang out at the kids' table.

Q. Re: Heartbreak, USA: How can she simultaneously say he would be a great dad and then say she's willing to keep his identity a secret? You're right—people with thinking that is this messed up should not be parents.

A: Indeed!

Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. I will be off next Monday, so talk to you in two weeks.

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Girls, Girls, Girls

Emily Yoffe — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 18:50:00 GMT

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions.

Q. Single Dads and Sleepovers: I'm a single dad raising four girls. My oldest is turning 12, and she wants to have a sleepover party at our home. My concern is would other parents think it's inappropriate for a single dad to supervise all the kids? I haven't had the opportunity to know other parents very well, but most know I'm a single dad. Should I have a female friend stay the night and help me supervise to put other parents at ease? I just want my daughter to have a great birthday, and I'm worried her friends' parents will say no because they feel uncomfortable about a man looking after the kids by himself.

A: Unfortunately, I have heard from people who refuse to let their daughters stay the night at the home of a child being raised by a father, not because the father makes them uncomfortable in any way, but solely because he's a man. This is ugly and pernicious, and I'm hoping the other parents in your circle are not like that. I don't think you should mention your single status at all nor should you bring in a surrogate "wife" to ease the concerns of the other parents. If a single dad explained to me that he was doing this, that information itself would actually make me uneasy. Just come up with a guest list and send the invites, and with a houseful of 12-year-olds, in addition to your other three excited daughters, expect to get very little sleep, Dad.

Dear Prudence Live in New York: Prudie’s Toughest Question

Q. Stinky, Sensitive Husband: I'm concerned about my husband of nearly six years. Recently, his hygiene has taken a hit. He's showering maybe every three days, has let his hair become unkempt, has infected toenails he won't treat, etc. I don't think that he's depressed, but he is (and always has been) very sensitive about any comments regarding his appearance. When I try to kindly mention that fungal infections are easily treatable or invite him along to get a haircut with me, he says that I'm being critical of him, and he becomes very defensive. I'm honestly not trying to be critical, but I find myself becoming less attracted to his grungy appearance. Is there a way I can help him clean up without causing offense, or do you think he's simply "given up" after being married for a few years?

A: Letting standard hygiene go is a warning sign of mental illness. If your husband has fallen into a clinical depression or has some other kind of mental troubles, defensiveness would be part of the problem. Shift the conversation away from his appearance and to your concern about his health. Gently say it's not like him to not be unclean or to let an infection fester. Say you're worried and you would like to make an appointment for him with his physician, and go with him to talk to the doctor. (I have suggested many times a concerned loved one accompany people to doctor's appointments and gotten feedback that this is inappropriate or violates HIPAA privacy rules. But as long as the patient agrees to let a loved one sit in, no privacy is being violated. And there can be occasions at which it is helpful for doctor, and patient, to get the feedback of another perspective.) If he utterly refuses, then you have to tell him that he may not understand the seriousness of your concern, but this turn in his behavior has you worried about the foundations of your marriage.

Q. Relationships and Sex: I've been dating a wonderful woman for 3 1/2 years (we're both 27) and am strongly considering marriage. We're both committed Christians, which has been a deep source of our compatibility. However, I'm concerned about our sex life after marriage, since we've decided to wait to go all the way until then. My current girlfriend isn't nearly as physical as I am, and I don't want to take the plunge and have a major aspect of our relationship potentially lacking. I suggested we may want to go to couples counseling to talk through her feelings and our issues as a couple, but I am not sure what to do.

A: If you're a reader of this column, you must know you've come to the wrong place for support of virginity until marriage. I get that there is a religious underpinning to this, but seriously, won't God give you a pass if you take the plunge before taking the plunge? Of course, no matter how well you know each other, all marriages are a bit of a gamble—the mystery of another person is part of what makes marriage fun. But even factoring in the stumbling-around virgin factor, finding out on your wedding day that you seem to be incompatible in bed has to put a damper on how you view the rest of your life. You're already getting the sense that your girlfriend is happy to keep her virginity because sexuality is troubling to her. That should be troubling to you, and I think you not only need to talk about this but take this issue to its logical conclusion.

Q. Office Crush: I developed a crush on a married co-worker "Jason" shortly after I was hired one year ago. Since he is married, I have been very careful to hide my feelings and not stir up any trouble. To my knowledge, I have been 100 percent successful. But Jason and I have a lot in common, and lately he has been inviting me out after work. As much as I would enjoy his friendship and company, I do not want to go. I am worried that if we end up alone together I am going to jump him. So far I have excused myself by saying, "Sorry, I agreed to help a friend <insert whatever> that night." But if he keeps asking me, eventually I am going to run out of excuses. He is of the rare breed—mature, gentle, and honorable—and if I told him the truth, I am sure he would be discreet and politely respect my wishes. However I suspect he is unhappy with his marriage, and the thought of a beautiful young woman pining over him is bound to stir fantasies, doubts, and crack any rifts further open. If I told him I am just not comfortable one-on-one with any man and not to take it personally, he wouldn't believe me since I have several other platonic friendships. How do I handle this situation without it blowing up in my face?

A: Stop coming up with excuses about helping a friend "insert whatever" and let Jason bluntly know that he's not going to insert his whatever. I can tell you that you haven't been 100 percent successful in hiding your desire. Jason has picked up the vibe emanating from you, Ms. Beautiful, and despite his being "mature, gentle, honorable" and married, he's been incessantly asking you out on dates. Next time say, "Jason, I'm uncomfortable with your asking me out after work, so that has to stop." Then find someone more appropriate to be an object of your desire.

Q. Re: Slumber Party Backup: I agree that the dad doesn't have to say anything to the parents of the daughter's friends other than, "Drop them off at 6 and pick them up at noon," or whatever. But if I were in his shoes, I might consider inviting another adult as backup at the party—not to deflect parental anxiety but in case they run out of chips or whatever. I wouldn't want to host a bunch of 12-year-olds plus my own kids without help. Maybe another parent might be willing to join the party?

A: OK, that's a decent point about the circus that's descending. But I'm wondering if people would be so certain a single mother couldn't handle this. If Dad does get an adult woman to help, it seems it would be better to be able to say, "This is my sister, Dana, who'll be helping me tonight," rather than a female friend whose presence might raise eyebrows with the other parents that Dad is having a sleepover, too.

Q. Hard to Discuss: I love my girlfriend very much, but there has been a topic that I find it hard to discuss, and it always leaves me upset. When she was 11, she noticed a relative (in her 30s) in a sexual manner who then took advantage of that and engaged in sexual activities with her. My girlfriend insists that she was not molested and that she was never really a child and participated willingly. While I reluctantly believe that she is OK with that, I think that woman is a monster for taking advantage of someone so young. My girlfriend doesn't think that her relative is disgusting. She herself isn't a pedophile, but her defense of that woman leaves me angry. I don't know what to think about any of this or how I should feel.

A: This is a deeply disturbing story because your girlfriend was molested. Even if what happened felt good to her, she was too young to participate willingly or give consent. It just may be that your girlfriend's coping mechanism for dealing with this violation is to turn it into something more benign. But it's interesting she even confessed this to you—surely, she must know no one else will see it the way she does. Also disturbing is your girlfriend's assertion that she was "never really a child." Of course she was a child, but her childhood may have been monstrous. You don't want to push your girlfriend too hard. But you love this woman, so you need to tell her that you can't shake your concern about the things that happened to her when she was a girl. Say an adult having sex with an 11-year-old is never OK, and you're worried that she thinks it is.

Q. Re: Relationships and Sex: This situation sounds similar to mine a number of years ago; I was sexually active in college, and my fiancée was not. I loved (and still love her) dearly, and we discussed it in the context of cultural and religious issues, and I felt comfortable moving forward with the relationship. It turns out that there have been other underlying issues outside of cultural and religious problems that have come to light over the years we have been married, and intimacy has been a serious problem for her. This has been a struggle for me (yes, I am selfish), but I love her for so many reasons, and we have both worked hard at making this relationship work, and we both want it to work. If you choose to go down the same path, it may be a difficult one—your partner had better be very well worth it ...

A: Really good point that for the girlfriend of the letter writer there may be underlying issues about sex that are being glossed over by religion. You are not selfish for wanting a fully participating partner! Your letter is a good warning about not hoping that love and tying the knot will solve complex, fundamental problems that need addressing.

Q. Theft: My boyfriend and I attended a party a few weeks ago at a friend's house. Unbeknownst to me until after the fact, my boyfriend helped himself to a bottle of liquor from the fully stocked bar. Now our friend's dad has noticed something went missing and is understandably upset. All parties at the house are now off limits. Our friend asked everyone who was at the house if we knew anything, and I haven't said anything except, "That's too bad." I don't want our friend to be mad, but I'm also feeling pretty guilty since I know my boyfriend did take something. (He feels bad, too.) What is the best thing to do here to make the situation right? As an aside, there has been another gathering at the house since then, which we did not attend, and dad did not notice until after that party. So it's possible the bottle in question isn't the one "Jeremy" took—still, we know it was wrong.

A: Since the parties are at the houses of friends who live with parents, I'm assuming you're all teenagers. But no matter how old you are, Jeremy needs to own up and return the bottle. I hope it's still full. If not, and he's not old enough to purchase a replacement, Jeremy needs to tell his parents what he did, explain he'll replace it at his expense (if he doesn't have the money, he'll need to earn it), and ask for their help. If Jeremy won't take these basic steps, rethink your association with him.

Q. Dying by Inches: My 16-year-old daughter has a friend who was diagnosed with an eating disorder just over a year ago. Nancy spent several months in the hospital and more time out of town for treatment. She isn't any better. She's still stick thin, she's throwing away food at school, and when she recently ended up in the ER, she signed herself out again without being treated. My daughter was so concerned I contacted the school guidance counselor to see if they could help. The counselor told me Nancy has to want to get better, and she doesn't. Nancy's parents say there's nothing that they can do, either. Nancy is very, very smart, and she knows how to work the medical system. I feel like I'm watching this child die by inches. Is there really nothing else I can do?

A: This is horrifying. Yes, it's not your business, but because you care about this girl, do some research on in-patient facilities for girls with eating disorders, then present it to her parents. Nancy is a minor, and she needs full-time care. The school guidance counselor sounds useless, and I understand the parents are frustrated and in despair, but their daughter is in danger of killing herself if she doesn't get into a treatment center that will monitor her on a 24-hour basis.

Q. Friendship Vaccination: A neighbor and her daughter used to come over to play with my son at least once a week. She mentioned in passing that she was opposed to vaccinations, and I pressed for reasons, but she replied that she shouldn't have told me. When I was pregnant with my second son, I told her that she couldn't bring her daughter over before the new baby was fully vaccinated. The neighbor claimed to understand my perspective but hasn't spoken to anyone in our family since. She used to print out anti-vaccination blog posts to put in my mailbox but now won't make eye contact. Our kids are the same age and houses apart. What do you suggest I do to heal this rift, especially since the infant is now almost 1 and getting all his shots?

A: This pernicious belief that vaccines are dangerous is itself a kind of virus. I wish there were an inoculation against it. There are so many people like your neighbor who are putting the community at risk because they are damaging herd immunity. Your neighbor is not only misinformed; she sounds a little nuts. I'm afraid there's not much you can do about someone who will no longer make eye contact because you disagree about a public health issue. Stay cordial and find other kids for your son to play with.

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Prudie's Toughest Question

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:00:00 GMT

In New York, Prudence answered a question about a runaway teen and looked back at the question that most threw her.