It’s been a banner year for anniversary lovers. American Idol celebrated its 10th. YMAK that the text message turned 20. And snack aficionados are surely sad to bid farewell to the year that brought the 100th birthday of the Oreo. But the 2013 anniversaries are almost here, and the new ones are even better than a fresh pack of Double Stufs.
Next year will mark the 20th anniversary of “Anniversary,” the R&B hit from Tony! Toni! Toné! and the 50th of that “late December back in ’63” from the wedding reception favorite “Oh, What a Night.” Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code will be 10, and 100 years ago in Pittsburgh, the first modern drive-in gas station opened for business. Copy-starved editors will surely regale their readers with a host of stories marking these momentous events. Herewith, a handy, highly speculative guide to 2013’s anniversary coverage.
(A note on the selection process: 2013 marks the 50th anniversary of the JFK assassination and MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech, but articles on those events will be everywhere. We’ve chosen to focus on 10 slightly less momentous occasions that are likely to be commemorated in publications during the coming year.)
The 10th anniversary of Apple’s iTunes Store launch (2003)
Predicted publication: Wired
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “A Decade of Downloads
- Possible: “Apple’s Core”
- Least likely: “Ten Years of Forgetting Your Apple ID”
Sample opening sentence: “Prior to 2003, record stores were everywhere—real record stores, the kind with front doors, and bins, and posters on the wall.
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Apple CEO Tim Cook
- Possible: Tech writer and Apple expert Andy Ihnatko
- Least likely: Ellen Grossman
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: iPad held in palm of hand, screen shows iTunes store
- Possible: Giant, overflowing stack of iTunes gift cards
- Least likely: Bill Gates + earbuds
The 10th anniversary of Steve Bartman’s bad night at Wrigley Field (2003)
Predicted publication: ESPN The Magazine
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “Please, Remain Seated!”
- Possible: “Curses!”
- Least likely: “No Big Deal: It Turns Out Everyone in Chicago Forgot All About the Whole Steve Bartman Thing and Decided To Forgive the Guy”
Sample opening sentence: “To this day, Mark Prior refers to Steve Bartman as, ‘That horse’s ass with the goofy Walkman headphones.’ ”
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Then-Cubs manager Dusty Baker
- Possible: Ernie Banks
- Least likely: Steve Bartman
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Photo of the exact moment of interference
- Possible: Photo of the Bartman ball being detonated
- Least likely: Photo of Bartman and Moises Alou hugging it out
The 10th anniversary of the (first) Paris Hilton sex tape being leaked to the Internet (2003)
Predicted publication: BuzzFeed
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “10 Ways Kim Kardashian Benefited From the Paris Hilton Sex Tape”
- Possible: “26 Absolutely Awesome and Amazing GIFs of Grandmas Looking Totally Appalled … in Commemoration of the 10-Year Anniversary of the Paris Hilton Sex Tape”
- Least likely: “10 Reasons Why We Should Stop Fixating on Celebrity Sex Scandals”
Sample opening sentence: “If it wasn’t for the Paris Hilton sex-tape leak 10 years ago, Kim Kardashian wouldn’t be famous … here’s why.” [Note: This is the only sentence of the story.]
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Paris Hilton (referring to things as “hot”)
- Possible: Kim Kardashian (noting that she doesn’t have a night vision camera)
- Least likely: Angela Lansbury
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Night vision Paris Hilton screen grab
- Possible: Kim Kardashian sex tape screen grab
- Least likely: Woman dressed in a tasteful business suit
The 25th anniversary of Prozac hitting the U.S. market (1988)
Predicted publication: New York Times Magazine
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “The Feel-Good Anniversary”
- Possible: “All Smiles”
- Least likely: “Jagged Little Pills”
Sample opening sentence: “It’s 3:45 on a Thursday afternoon at a nondescript office park just outside of Newark, and a slight, balding man wearing pleated khakis and a three-button polo shirt has just finished leading a high-energy sales presentation on the latest in rubber membrane roofing technology.”
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Chemist Klaus Schmiegel, whose work led to the creation of Prozac
- Possible: Dr. Oz
- Least likely: Steven Wright
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Pills arranged to form a smiley face
- Possible: Pills replace sand in hourglass
- Unlikely: This guy
The 25th anniversary of the first Wal-Mart Supercenter (1988)
Predicted publication: Time
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “Super Store, Huge Anniversary”
- Possible: “Everything Under the Sun”
- Least likely: “25 Years of Being Probably Not the Best Place To Get a Haircut”
Sample opening sentence: “It’s easy to forget that years before the Internet made such a thing old hat, Wal-Mart invented the notion of a magical place where shoppers could purchase anything they wanted, 24 hours a day—be it vegetables or vacuum cleaners.”
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke
- Possible: Author and former undercover Wal-Mart employee Barbara Ehrenreich
- Least likely: Ozzy Osbourne
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Panoramic shot of a Wal-Mart Supercenter taken from a distance to emphasize how big it is
- Possible: Black Friday Supercenter crowd shot
- Least likely: Collage of customers who were pleased with their Wal-Mart haircuts
The 50th anniversary of the formation of The Wailers, featuring Bob Marley (1963)
Predicted publication: Rolling Stone
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “The Legend Begins”
- Possible: “Stir it Up!”
- Least likely: “Rasta Primavera”
Sample opening sentence: “The old men who sit on the front porches of shacks set high in the hills surrounding Nine Mile, Jamaica, like to tell the story of little Nesta Marley and his wild imagination.”
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Rita Marley
- Possible: Bono
- Least likely: Sheriff John Brown
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Shot of Bob Marley on stage vigorously shaking his dreadlocks
- Possible: Shot of Marley smoking a joint
- Least likely: Shot of Marley neither shaking his dreadlocks nor smoking marijuana
The 50th anniversary of ZIP codes (1963)
Predicted publication: Mental Floss
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “The Code of the Streets”
- Possible: “Five Digits, 50 Years”
- Least likely: “People, Without These, There Is No Beverly Hills, 90210”
Sample opening sentence: “It all started with a postal inspector named Robert Moon and what, to the average person, would seem like a really boring vision.”
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: U.S. Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe
- Possible: Mr. McFeely
- Least likely: The Five Americans
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Old-school, ’60s-era advertisement for ZIP codes
- Possible: Mr. ZIP
- Least likely: Imposter Mr. Zip
The 100th anniversary of the modern crossword puzzle (1913)
Predicted publication: The New Yorker
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “100 Down”
- Possible: “Crossed Up”
- Least likely: “Get a Life!”
Sample opening sentence: “On an average weekday, with the coöperation of her husband, one of the world’s best crossword puzzlers, a spindly, high-strung, and loquacious retired bookkeeper from Lincoln, Neb., pores over 29 different daily newspapers from all over the world.”
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: New York Times’ crossword puzzle editor Will Shortz
- Possible: Crossword puzzle scholar Dean Olsher
- Least likely: Martin Naydel, creator of Jumble
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Scribbly line doodle of a pencil in hand meeting paper
- Possible: William Haefeli cartoon featuring wife at table asking overweight husband sprawled out on couch eating chips in front of TV, “What’s a seven-letter word for the legal dissolution of a marriage?”
- Unlikely: This
The 200th anniversary of Pride and Prejudice (1813)
Predicted publication: Slate
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “Pride and Prejudice Is Awful”
- Possible: “Pride and Prejudice: Worse Than Grapefruit!”
- Least likely: “Celebrating 200 Years of Pride and Prejudice”
Sample opening sentence: “On the 200th anniversary of Jane Austen’s masterwork, Pride and Prejudice, this incontrovertible fact simply must be stated for the record: Mad Men and Louie and Homeland are better.”
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Alan Sepinwall
- Possible: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies author Seth Grahame-Smith
- Least likely: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Pride and Prejudice book cover
- Possible: Old, hand-drawn portrait of Jane Austen
- Least likely: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
The 500th anniversary of Juan Ponce de León touching ground in Florida (1513)
Predicted publication: Smithsonian Magazine
Predicted headline:
- Most likely: “Setting Sail”
- Possible: “Finding Florida”
- Least likely: “Taking His Talents to St. Augustine!”
Sample opening sentence: “Nearly 20 years before the Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de León set foot on the eastern coast of Florida, he embarked on a legendary journey to the New World with an experienced and decorated explorer by the name of Christopher Columbus.
Predicted sources for quotes:
- Most likely: Florida historian Dan Schafer
- Possible: Florida Gov. Rick Scott
- Least likely: Still-alive, fountain-of-youth–aided Juan Ponce de León
Stock-art image prediction:
- Most likely: Astoundingly pervasive “pointing Ponce” image
- Possible: Old-timey, distressed map of Florida
- Unlikely: Tinfoil Ponce
Do you have a better headline for any of these 2013 anniversary stories? Or an anniversary you’re looking forward to reading about in 2013? Please share them in the comments section.
