A Tough-Minded Memoir of an Aging Parent Coming to Stay

Reading between the lines.
July 12 2013 11:00 AM

The Unexpected Guest

When an ailing parent comes to stay.

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Illustration by Jeff Zwirek

A decade ago, after my father had a stroke and was hospitalized a few blocks from me, my mother suggested that she might want to stay with me overnight. Since she lived all of half an hour away and we had been semi-estranged for years, I told her I thought that would not be a good idea. Dealing with each other, as well as our shared anxiety and grief, at close quarters seemed as though it would benefit neither of us.

Fortunately, my mother let the matter drop. She was merely testing my limits, probing to see whether she could use this family emergency to traverse the territory between us. I wasn’t yet ready for that.

Families can fray over the years. But as age and illness overtake the parents of baby boomers (and, soon enough, the boomers themselves), caregiving issues loom. Under this pressure, past conflicts may reignite—between parent and child and among siblings, still fighting for scraps of parental love. In the luckiest cases, reminders of mortality also can help heal; it is, after all, now or never.

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The complicated questions of debt, guilt, and recompense provoked by parents in decline have inspired an entire subgenre of intergenerational self-help literature, with titles such as Taking Care of Parents Who Didn’t Take Care of You and Doing the Right Thing. The New York TimesNew Old Age blog tackles these dilemmas periodically, prompting heart-wrenching comments from middle-aged daughters and sons reeling from both weighty childhood memories and current burdens. This particular niche of self-help is a sort of a first cousin once removed to a far more expansive genre: memoirs of family dysfunction. The unceasing onslaught of these books includes Mary Karr’s The Liar’s Club, Jeannette Walls’  The Glass Castle and, more recently, Jeanette Winterson’s Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? and Domenica Ruta’s With or Without You

Mother Daughter Me, Katie Hafner’s fine new memoir of intergenerational conflict and reconciliation, stands at the intersection of these genres. With crystalline prose and impressive narrative control, Hafner candidly probes a host of issues: the lingering impact of alcoholism and parental abandonment on adult children, how dysfunction ripples through future generations, whether it is necessary to confront the past in order to redeem it.  

The inciting event of Hafner’s book, her sixth, is her generous, if insufficiently considered, decision to invite her cantankerous, suddenly single 77-year-old mother, Helen, to live with her in San Francisco. Complicating this already dubious ménage is the presence of Hafner’s teenage daughter, Zoë, a sensitive soul who has never had much of a relationship with her grandmother.

For more than three decades, Helen (a pseudonym to protect her privacy) had been living in a sprawling tract house in San Diego with her partner, Norm, and a succession of German shepherds.  The couple had never married, for what they said were tax reasons. “In their odd and insular world,” Hafner writes, “my mother and Norm weren’t merely glued at the proverbial hip. My mother micromanaged Norm’s every move.” With this quick sketch of her mother’s controlling nature, Hafner foreshadows the trouble to come.

When Norm’s growing dementia sends him to his daughter’s care and then to assisted living, Helen, shell-shocked, alone and without any legal claim to Norm’s estate, decides to move to San Francisco. There she and Hafner search for an affordable independent-living community or a well-priced apartment—not easy to find in so expensive a city. 

So blossoms the idea of what mother and daughter liken to an idyllic “year in Provence,” after the Peter Mayle memoir. “This was finally my chance to have a real family home—with my mother in it—making up for many years of lost time,” Hafner writes.

It is clear from the book’s prologue, which elegantly introduces Hafner’s perpetual childhood longing for her mother, that Mother Daughter Me will be no simple lament about the “sandwich generation” and its woes. Hafner’s problems with her mother run far deeper, even if she is initially in denial:

“I was guided by a combination of love, protectiveness, and, as I would eventually come to see, magical thinking. I believed we were as close to the mother-daughter ideal as two women could be. We often spoke several times a day. I confided everything to her. I told myself I had long since put any lingering anger about my childhood behind me, that I had taken the ultimate high road. … With a transcendent eye, I can now see that it’s far easier to imagine a future we can invent than to reckon honestly with a painful past.”