I’m From America. Stop Complaining, South America.In defense of Americans calling the U.S. “America.”
Your Flip-Flops Are Grossing Me OutThey’re unsightly, unhygienic, and unfit for public display.
No, I Do Not Want to Pet Your DogThey’re lounging in our offices and licking us at our cafés. It’s time to take America back.
Not Right in the HeadListen up, cyclists: Riding with headphones is incredibly dumb.
Starry BlightHow a bunch of peasants in Mesopotamia ruined the night sky.
Let’s Do LunchIt’s time for America to embrace the long, leisurely lunch break.
Foodie Death SentenceThere's no way I'm waiting two hours to eat at a trendy restaurant.
Fireworks SuckThey really do.
I Don't Need a HugHonestly, get your hands off me.
What's the Matter With Virginia?Political backsliding in the Old Dominion.
Vampires SuckActually, they don't. And that's the problem.
Happy Birthday, You BastardUnder no circumstances will I be attending your stupid birthday dinner.
Scrap the Greenback!It's time to get rid of the dollar bill.
Me and My Big Wimpy HobbyI make Christmas wreaths for the ladies in my life. You got a problem with that?
Bitter BrewI opened a charming neighborhood coffee shop. Then it destroyed my life.
Why BMW Drivers Are Jerks to CyclistsI have four theories.
Don’t Say GoodbyeJust ghost.
The Recline and Fall of Western CivilizationTilting your seat back on an airplane is pure evil. But so is installing seats that recline in the first place.
The Tyranny of the IronWhy we should all wear wrinkled clothes.
I’d Rather Eat at My DeskWhy lunch breaks are totally overrated.
The Pajama ManifestoWear them to work. Wear them to the store. Wear them everywhere.
Letters to the Summer TenantsThe lament of a self-martyred landlord.
Boycott the Royal WeddingAmericans are supposed to hate monarchs, not worship them.
"We Listen to NPR Precisely To Avoid This Sort of Stupidity"The tedious, annoying complaints of public radio listeners.
Boxed InGiving someone a TV series on DVD is like giving them a life sentence.
Thanksgiving? No Thanks!Why food writers secretly hate the November feast.
Confessions of a Young Hillary SupporterOr, how I became the loneliest man on campus.
I'm a Lousy MomMy daughter's lice were bad enough. But then I got the little buggers …
Keep Your RosesI hate Admin Day.
Midlife AssessmentCataloging my ruination.