The Troy Patterson Stop Smoking Plan

Reading between the lines.
Aug. 4 2012 12:05 AM

The Kickers

You, too, can stop smoking, with this guide to stop-smoking guides!

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Where, though I, by sour physician,
Am debarr'd the full fruition
Of thy favours, I may catch
Some collateral sweets, and snatch
Sidelong odours, that give life
Like glances from a neighbour's wife;

Step 10: Search Google Books for a transcript of the awesomest thing in the history of celebrity endorsements—an infomercial Burroughs recorded for the 1975 edition of Bream’s book. The ending will change your life:

When you stop smoking, all habits are called into question. You begin to take a long cool look at everything you think and do. How much of your thinking and doing is predicated on a conviction that you can’t change? You have just proven to yourself that you can. So why stop with cigarettes? You can give up anything or anyone.

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Well, that’s your kicker. Now start an essay. Now finish it. File to your editor and celebrate with a cigarette. In anticipation of this moment, you’ve switched to buying swank Nat Sherman MCDs, so rip the filter from one of those and duck out and light up. Watch the pretty wisps of poison disappear beyond the streetlamps. Breathe in. Breathe out. Move on.

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