My Friends Said My Husband Wasn't Hot Enough for Me

Advice on sticky friendship dilemmas.
June 29 2010 10:01 AM

My Friends Said My Husband Wasn't Hot Enough for Me

Advice for a woman whose friends complain that her husband is fat.

(Continued from Page 1)

I recently finished my Ph.D., which took me 6 years. It felt like a huge accomplishment and I wanted my friends to feel my relief at being done. So I organized an evening with them to celebrate. I sent out e-vites. And when the evening came, I got all decked-out. However, my friends treated it as one of our regular get-togethers. They dressed uber-casual, and my graduation was barely mentioned. I did get two Starbucks gift cards. (Yippee.) I'm not asking for them to have spent the kind of money I spent on their weddings. I just wanted them to recognize the sacrifices I've made. (And they didn't.)

Should I tell them I was hurt? Chalk it up to my failure to have been more explicit about the grandiosity of the occasion? Or is it time to say that, while we'd some good times together, we don't have much in common anymore?


The Giver Needs To Receive Sometimes, Too


I can only imagine how intense it must have been to play on a Division I team. Because, as far as I can tell, there's nothing else sustaining your friendships with these women. You say they've never shown any interest in your life and work, yet they clearly expect you to pull out all the stops when it comes to their weddings and babies. As I've written before in this column, history is a nice thing to have with a friend. But at a certain point you have to stop and wonder if you're getting anything out of the association. There's no excuse for your teammates not making a bigger fuss over what is indeed a huge victory, albeit an off-court one. Did they not even raise a glass to you?

That said, it's possible that your e-vite signaled a different kind of event than the one you imagined—some would argue that e-vites are inherently informal—or that your expectations were somehow outsized. Our society really only has rituals for familial triumphs. So the rest has to be improvised. It's also likely that your nonacademic friends simply can't imagine or understand what went into the writing of your dissertation. My guess is that, during your 30s, you'll gravitate away from the volleyballerinas and toward others who've followed similar personal-professional trajectories.

Friend or Foe


. Follow us on




The Democrats’ War at Home

How can the president’s party defend itself from the president’s foreign policy blunders?

Why Time Is on Our Side in the Fight Against Ebola

The Religious Right Is Not Happy With Republicans  

The XX Factor
Oct. 1 2014 4:58 PM The Religious Right Is Not Happy With Republicans  

Catacombs Where You Can Stroll Down Hallways Lined With Corpses

Homeland Is Good Again! For Now.


Operation Backbone

How White Boy Rick, a legendary Detroit cocaine dealer, helped the FBI uncover brazen police corruption.


How Even an Old Hipster Can Age Gracefully

On their new albums, Leonard Cohen, Robert Plant, and Loudon Wainwright III show three ways.

The U.S. Has a New Problem in Syria: The Moderate Rebels Feel Like We’ve Betrayed Them

Piper Kerman on Why She Dressed Like a Hitchcock Heroine for Her Prison Sentencing

Trending News Channel
Oct. 1 2014 1:25 PM Japanese Cheerleader Robots Balance and Roll Around on Balls
  News & Politics
Oct. 1 2014 4:15 PM The Trials of White Boy Rick A Detroit crime legend, the FBI, and the ugliness of the war on drugs.
Oct. 1 2014 2:16 PM Wall Street Tackles Chat Services, Shies Away From Diversity Issues 
Gentleman Scholar
Oct. 1 2014 4:55 PM Blood Before Bud? Must a gentleman’s brother always be the best man at his wedding?
  Double X
The XX Factor
Oct. 1 2014 5:11 PM Celebrity Feminist Identification Has Reached Peak Meaninglessness
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Oct. 1 2014 3:24 PM Revelry (and Business) at Mohonk Photos and highlights from Slate’s annual retreat.
Brow Beat
Oct. 1 2014 3:02 PM The Best Show of the Summer Is Getting a Second Season
Future Tense
Oct. 1 2014 4:46 PM Ebola Is No Measles. That’s a Good Thing. Comparing this virus to scourges of the past gives us hope that we can slow it down.
  Health & Science
Oct. 1 2014 4:03 PM Does the Earth Really Have a “Hum”? Yes, but probably not the one you’re thinking.
Sports Nut
Oct. 1 2014 5:19 PM Bunt-a-Palooza! How bad was the Kansas City Royals’ bunt-all-the-time strategy in the American League wild-card game?