Advice for a woman who snooped on her friend's Facebook account.

Advice on sticky friendship dilemmas.
April 6 2010 10:13 AM

Facebook Faux Pas

I secretly read my friend's mean messages about me and now I don't know how to act around her.

Illustration by Jason Raish. Click image to expand.

Dear Friend or Foe,

Lucinda Rosenfeld Lucinda Rosenfeld

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of four novels, including I'm So Happy for You and The Pretty One, which will be published in early 2013.

I'm a woman in my late 20s with a small-but-close group of friends. Last week, my friend "Becky" was over at my place and used my computer to check Facebook. That night after she left, I noticed that she'd forgotten to log off. I got the bright idea to look through her messages. I saw one with my name in it and couldn't stop myself from reading it. Becky and my other friend "Megan" had been sending some very cruel messages about me over a period of two weeks. The gist of them was that Megan thought I was clingy and anti-social and suggested that Becky distance herself from me because, although we were both single, Becky would have no problem getting a man if she wanted. But I was a hopeless case.

I feel totally crushed having read this. I had no idea they were feeling this way. (We'd been hanging out and socializing like nothing was wrong.) I also feel terribly guilty: I should have known better than to invade someone's privacy. I can't say anything because I shouldn't have been snooping. I wonder whether Megan is jealous because she and Becky were friends first and, once I came along, Becky and I became very close. But I'm hurt that Becky would have agreed with Megan instead of sticking up for me. Am I just reading too much into some un-thought-through-yet-nasty gossip? Should I back off and let them continue being friends without me? Until two days I ago, I would have considered Becky the one person in this world I could count on. Now I feel uncomfortable socializing with both of them.

Sincerely,
Curiosity Killed the Cat

Dear CKTC,

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I hate to say this, but you got the punishment you were looking for. The sad truth is that everyone talks about one another, and everyone pretends they don't. The problem with electronic messaging—or, at least, the problem with reading other peoples' electronic messages—is that they make serious and stark what, in an earlier era, would have been idle chatter, as quickly forgotten as it was uttered. It's not that you're "reading too much" into nasty gossip. The gossip was certainly cruel. It's that you're reading something that never should have been committed to paper, virtual or otherwise.

I think it's imperative that you differentiate between Megan and Becky here. The bitchfest seems to have originated with Megan. Becky's crime was, according to your description, to agree, tacitly or otherwise, with Megan's judgments. It's possible that Becky doesn't believe a word of what Megan said but thought it was easier not to protest. I think it would be fair to you to distance yourself somewhat from Megan, who doesn't sound as if she has your best interest at heart. With Becky—who you clearly consider the closer friend—I think you should try to forget you ever saw those messages.

A final note: Be as insulted as you want. But please also note that Megan's first accusation is an oxymoron. You can't simultaneously be clingy and anti-social, unless she means you're clingy with a small group of people but that you shy away from others. In my book, that's called discerning.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

For a decade following a bad breakup, my friend "Gabby" showed no interest in meeting new guys. I've since moved away, but we remained close. The summer before last, Gabby started e-mailing me about a handyman whom she had a crush on. I suggested asking him to a movie. She did, and he politely declined. I've been accused of being brutally honest, but I can't lie to my friends: I told Gabby that meant he wasn't interested. Even so, Gabby spent the next year analyzing his every move and trying to win him over—to no avail. Just as I'd predicted, it turned out he was dating someone else, the news of which left Gabby devastated.

During this time, I also began to sense that she no longer thought I was a supportive friend, since I refused to "read" Handyman's moving his glass one inch closer to her as a sure sign that he was prepared to fall madly in love with her. Her e-mails became more and more distant.

Just recently, I got an e-mail from Gabby, telling me I was right all along about Handyman. In the last sentence, she mentioned that—oh, by the way—she's now dating my old boyfriend, "Fred." After picking myself up off the ground, I had to wonder why a) he'd want to be with someone who has been pining away for another man for the past year and why b) Gabby would suddenly be attracted to someone she'd always told me was a nice guy but not for a relationship. In any case, the next day I sent an e-mail congratulating her, as I'm genuinely happy for them both.

A month later, I went out for lunch with Gabby and another friend. The entire time she said nothing about Fred. At the end of lunch, I finally asked how they were doing. She announced that her new relationship was private. Huh? Now both she and Fred go out of their way not to mention the other person's name. She'll say that she went to a movie with "a friend." Hello? My best guess is that she thinks I'll be judgmental. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Can't Deal with the Elephant in the Room

Dear CDWTEITR,

Chances are that Gabby's silence has less to do with punishing you—or feeling weirded out by your and Fred's shared past, or scared of your reaction—than with her humiliation over the whole handyman fiasco. That time, nothing happened and she gabbed endlessly. When he turned out to be nothing more than, well, her handyman, she felt ashamed and vulnerable. This time—for the first time in more than a decade!—something finally is happening on the romantic front. Whether for superstitious reasons or not, she probably figures it's a good idea to keep her mouth shut, at least until she finds out whether she and Fred are for real.

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