I'm so happy to be here with you in 2009, and not in 18th century Scotland where we would all be decried as witches.
I am humbled by the Muse Award. As many of you know, until now I was deemed a muse only by Nashville superstar Billy Currington, who used me as the model for his hit song "That's How Country Boys Roll."
But it feels very natural being honored by New York Women in Film & Television.
To begin with, I live in New York. In gritty Cobble Hill, Brooklyn, where the grit actually comes from the unwashed organic kale we pick up once a week to braise with pancetta and caramelized onions.
I am a woman. I know that primarily because of how strongly I relate to commercials for yogurt.
I am not technically in film, but I am often coated in a thin film of scented moisturizer to hide my revolting natural odor.
And I am in television. I have written and produced late night shows for the last 10 years, and thanks to this award, I think I may finally be able to say, "Well, Allison, you really showed them."
Who are them?
I don't know. But them don't want to believe in me. Them have made that pretty clear over the years.
I am thrilled to be alongside such gifted women as America Ferrera, Andrea Wong, the team at Chicken & Egg Pictures, and perhaps especially Julianna Margulies.
You see, I grew up with curly hair in Gainesville, Fla., the second-most humid city in the United States. It's not easy having curly hair in a town with an average of 91 percent humidity. I figure if there's a bigger fan of Julianna Margulies as Carol Hathaway out there, she would have to have hair curlier than mine and live in the No. 1 most humid city, Quillayute, Wash., but I've done the research and there are no synagogues there, so I think I'm in the clear.
There are so many things I was planning to talk to you about today. How it's the male bowerbird who spends hours tending his ornamental garden to impress his mate; why the Russian space dogs were all female; whether letting friends stay at your place over Christmas is a holiday don't.