U Better Sell, and other reader suggestions for renaming UBS.

Commentary about business and finance.
July 9 2008 4:47 PM

U Better Sell

Reader suggestions for renaming UBS.

Read more about Wall Street's ongoing crisis.

UBS logo

In yesterday's column on the plight of Swiss bank UBS, I asked readers to submit more apt definitions for the bank's acronymic name, which stands for Union Bank of Switzerland. And respond they did, with dozens of entries. Slate's crack Acronym Sorting Squad waded through the submissions and is pleased to announce the winners of the 2008 UBS Alternate Naming Contest:

Most popular (and said to be commonly used on Wall Street):

U Be Screwed

Best uses of "U" as a pronoun:

Advertisement

U Been Swindled
U Better Sell
U Bought Schlock

Most obvious uses of UBS's last two letters for the barnyard epithet:

Underwater Bulls***
Unadulterated Bulls***
Unrepentant Bulls*** Spreaders
Ubiquitous Bulls*** Shills

Longest:

Unregulated Banking Sucks (the Life out of an Economy)

Best uses of "ululating":

Ululating Bunglers Swoon
Ululating Bray of Shame

Best German wordplay:

Uber-Botching Systems
Uber-Busted Stake

Best English wordplay:

UBS is what the company looks like after being thrown under the B-U-S.

Most concise encapsulation of UBS's woes:

Unhedged Bets. Shoot!

Most apt descriptions of UBS's business practices:

Ultimate Bumbling Securitizers
Untimely Buying Subprime
Unbelievably Bad Supervision
Underwriters of Bogus Switcheroos
Unscrupulous Brokers Society
Ultimate Banking Stupidity
Unusually Bad Standards
Users' Bullion Squandered

Most hyperbolic moral condemnations:

Unforgiven Banking Scumbags
United Bankrupt Swindlers
Underhanded Baksheesh Scallywags
Universally Broke Shills
Union of Barbaric Swine

Best generalizations from the particular:

Unconscionable Banking System
Umpteenth Banking Scandal
Ugly Burgeoning Stain
Unending Bonanza of Stupidity
Uppity Bankers Shame

Best admonition for future investors:

Use Better Sense

TODAY IN SLATE

Medical Examiner

The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola 

The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.

I Bought the Huge iPhone. I’m Already Thinking of Returning It.

Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.

Students Aren’t Going to College Football Games as Much Anymore

And schools are getting worried.

Two Damn Good, Very Different Movies About Soldiers Returning From War

The XX Factor

Lifetime Didn’t Think the Steubenville Rape Case Was Dramatic Enough

So they added a little self-immolation.

Politics

Blacks Don’t Have a Corporal Punishment Problem

Americans do. But when blacks exhibit the same behaviors as others, it becomes part of a greater black pathology. 

Why a Sketch of Chelsea Manning Is Stirring Up Controversy

How Worried Should Poland, the Baltic States, and Georgia Be About a Russian Invasion?

Trending News Channel
Sept. 19 2014 1:11 PM Watch Flashes of Lightning Created in a Lab  
  News & Politics
Weigel
Sept. 20 2014 11:13 AM -30-
  Business
Business Insider
Sept. 20 2014 6:30 AM The Man Making Bill Gates Richer
  Life
Quora
Sept. 20 2014 7:27 AM How Do Plants Grow Aboard the International Space Station?
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 19 2014 4:58 PM Steubenville Gets the Lifetime Treatment (And a Cheerleader Erupts Into Flames)
  Slate Plus
Slate Picks
Sept. 19 2014 12:00 PM What Happened at Slate This Week? The Slatest editor tells us to read well-informed skepticism, media criticism, and more.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 20 2014 3:21 PM “The More You Know (About Black People)” Uses Very Funny PSAs to Condemn Black Stereotypes
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 19 2014 6:31 PM The One Big Problem With the Enormous New iPhone
  Health & Science
Bad Astronomy
Sept. 20 2014 7:00 AM The Shaggy Sun
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.