Digital Manners: Your Online Dating Photo Is Deceptive

Navigating the intersection of etiquette and technology.
Dec. 13 2011 2:52 PM

I Thought You Had a Better Body (Transcript)

Farhad Manjoo and Emily Yoffe debate the question: Should you tell your Internet date that his/her profile photo is deceptive?

(Continued from Page 1)

Farhad:  Well, then even if he loved her for her personality and thought she had a pretty face, didn’t he mind that she apparently deliberately misrepresented herself on the site?

Emily:  If you look at statistics on Americans, most people are overweight.

Farhad:  There’s a good chance you’re both misrepresenting yourself.


Emily:  Right. So you jointly misrepresent your body and then you can relax.

Farhad:  But I wonder how often it happens like the scenario you just described where the guy actually likes the woman who misrepresented herself. I think more often it’s like our letter writer here where you’re completely turned off and you’re justifiably upset that this person misrepresented herself (or himself).

One thing that I thought of that you could do now in the age of Facebook is before you meet the person you could send them a Facebook friend request. It’s kind of a subtle way to be able to see all their Facebook photos, and if they don’t accept your friend request then maybe you can see that as a sign of something fishy.

Emily:  Yeah. I think his question, “Should I try to preemptively confirm the accuracy of their photos?” you don’t say before you meet at Starbucks, “Should I look for a whale?” You’re exactly right. Make the first date something that it’s an hour out of your life. You’ve liked the person enough in the exchanges you’ve had previously that you should have enough to talk about anyway.

Farhad:  I have to think that you’re always going to be disappointed with the person that you see. Two things. First, people are always going to put up their best photo on the online dating site, and no one looks like their best photo every day.

The other thing is if you’re looking at just a photo and this profile, you’ve already idealized the person and the person who you see in the first 10-20 minutes is not going to match up to that ideal you had in your mind for the previous two weeks. But then, over time, you’ll get to like the real person rather than a profile.

Emily:  Maybe that’s a new strategy. You put up your worst photo, then you show up and the person is like, “Oh, my God. This is great!”

Farhad:  So Emily, do you think that he should explain to the other person that she was being dishonest with her photo? Should he approach that subject?

Emily:  So you’re sitting there on this first thing and he says, “You know, you should’ve warned me that you don’t like to take the feedbag off, honey.” No. She knows she’s been somewhat deceitful. She’s being a jerk if she thinks he’s not going to notice. But what’s going to be the extremely awkward wrap-up to the lattes by saying, “You know what? You’re just a lot heavier than you looked. Get the hell out of here.”

Farhad:  I can think of one positive outcome out of telling her that she misrepresented herself. Maybe you can say, “You’re a great person and I like you, but I don’t think we click physically. But I think you can do a lot better if you used a different photo or a more accurate photo.” I think you’d have better luck in online dating if you didn’t lie.

Emily:  I love your idea about friending on Facebook to get a gander at the photos. I don’t think you have to explain. It’s just mutually understood you’re checking each other out, and if you want to check out, no harm, no foul.

Farhad: Send us your questions about shifting etiquette in the online age. Our address is

Emily:  You can also join our Facebook page where we carry on the conversation throughout the week.  Go to

Farhad:  And we’ll talk to you next time on Manners for the Digital Age.

Farhad Manjoo is a technology columnist for the New York Times and the author of True Enough.

Emily Yoffe is a regular Slate contributor. She writes the Dear Prudence column. 



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