How the Grinch Stole Election Day
Posted Tuesday, Nov. 21, 2000, at 3:00 AM
Then he got an idea!
Yes, a legal idea!
GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig.
And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig.
And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor,
"With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!"
"All I need are some ballots ..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since ballots were private, there were none to be found.
So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little,
And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle,
And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle.
And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!"
He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous
Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service."
The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech
Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach."
When he came to the first polling place in the square,
All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air,
As the Chads chatted merits of managed health care.
"Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin.
And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in.
There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches,
And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches."
As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt,
He could hear what you'd think was an Elián riot.
The Cohens—sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon,
Just realized that their votes had all gone to Buchanan!
At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard,
The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard."
And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card?
"Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's?
"Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?"
And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a fox,
Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the lockbox!
Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV.
He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh three.)
So the Grinch Network News first projected a score:
"Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE."
Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!"
So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack.
Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!"
So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all
Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO CALL."
"Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal,
"It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle.
"The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled."
So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled.
And the stress of it all put George Bush among the pimpled!
Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push.
"Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH."
After all, George was leading at least by a dozen.
(And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.)
"Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises,
" 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!"
And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey,
Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie."
Frank Cammuso is co-authorsof 2007-Eleven and Other American Comedies with Hart Seely. He is a political cartoonist for the Syracuse Post-Standard in Syracuse, N.Y.
Hart Seely's memoir as a Yankee fan, The Juju Rules, will be published next year.
Recorded version read by Wes Johnson.