Double Dribble at the Twin Tier Tongue Dome

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June 9 2000 3:00 AM

Double Dribble at the Twin Tier Tongue Dome

"Tryone Pippins puts a pick on Peppers, and that's a pack of picks on Peppers ..."

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"Welcome back, Chuck Churlinger and Brad Terwilliger here, in the tumultuous Twin Tier Tongue Dome! Ashtabula leads by one with a slim 66 slick ticks left on the clock. Walla Walla ball. Bert Butler brings it up, Fuzzy Peppers guarding him. Butler, dribbles to the baseline, shoots—swishes it! And the Big Bangs take the lead!"

"Chuck, Ashtabula coach Paul Pickel wanted an offensive foul called. Here on the replay, watch as Latrell Peters puts a pick on Peppers, then Tryone Pippins puts a pick on Peppers, and that's a pack of picks on Peppers, and Paul Pickel's wondering, how many picks on Peppers can Peters and Pippins put?"

"Ashtabula ball. Shaquille Cheeks dribbles up court, looks for an opening—finds Chick Woods underneath—oh—off his shoulder and out of bounds, and Walla Walla takes over. Chick Woods wasn't even looking, and Shaq's flat pass slapped his fat, sad back. Brad?"

"Coach Paul Pickel's angry, because once again, Chick Woods did not check back for the pass. You have to wonder, how much could Chick Woods chock up, if Chick Woods would check back? Personally, I think Chick would chock as much as Chick could chock, if Chick would just check back. Chuck?"

"Walla Walla ball! The Chinese sensation, Ching Xiang brings it up, passes to Butler—oh—through Bertie's hands, out of bounds. Ashtabula ball. Three turnovers for Butler tonight. What's the matter with Bertie?"

"I was talking to Bertie before the game. You know, Bertie Butler is a brooder. 'Brad,' he said, 'this battle's beaten. When I botch a buzzer-beater, it just makes my battle bitter.' I said, 'But Bertie, a Bertie Butler buzzer-beater sure would make your battle better, so boost your butt up from the gutter, and be a better buzzer-beater shooter.' "

"Ashtabula ball! Peeples passes to Boate, who dishes it off to Cheeks. Shaquille puts up a three-pointer—no good. The Big Bangs get the rebound and call timeout. Brad, that was a poor shot by Cheeks."

"Chuck, Shaquille has to stop shooting three-pointers from so far away. Fans know that Shaq shoots set-shots by the seats short. The short set-shots Shaq shoots are surely swell shots, but when Shaq shoots set-shots by the seats, Shaq shoots short-set shots."

"Not only that, Brad, but Ashtabula is not getting rebounds. Notably, power forward Fuzzy Peeples has not hit the boards with intensity."

"Let me say what everyone knows, Chuck: Fuzzy Peeples has not been himself since all-star center Harry Chester went to Rochester. When Harry was here, Fuzzy was a bear, but after Fuzzy had no Harry, Fuzzy just wasn't Fuzzy, was he?"

"With a one-point lead, the Big Bangs go into a four-corner stall. Peters passes to Pippins, over to Xiang, now to Jethro Throne. Foul called! Robert Beatty-Buggins bumped him! Robert Beatty-Buggins bumped him! Walla Walla's in a one-and-one, and Jethro will throw three free throws. Brad, is that the best slowdown you've ever seen?"

"Chuck, when I was in Arkansas, I saw a stall that could out-stall any stall I ever saw. They could move a ball all a game, willy nilly, à la Walla Walla."

"Oh, my! Jethro Throne has underthrown three free throws. Ashtabula ball! Seconds remaining. Peppers passes to Boate. MAKES AN INCREDIBLE SHOT! TROY BOATE! TROY BOATE! TROY BOATE! Ashtabula by one!

"Five seconds—four—Walla Walla ball! Xiang puts up a desperation heave! HE MADE IT! HE MADE IT! OHHEEOOH-HAHA! CHING XIANG! WALLA WALLA BIG BANGS WIN!"

 

Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely are co-authors of 2007-Eleven and Other American Comedies. Cammuso is a political cartoonist and Seely a reporter for the Syracuse Post-Standard in Syracuse, N.Y.