Alumni Notes From Selective State University

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May 17 2000 11:30 PM

Alumni Notes From Selective State University

You knew them when. 

(Continued from Page 1)

"As puss
festers
on a gangrenous wound,
SO MY SOUL."
—L. Patrick Milwood, Poetry, '89.

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Theseus, Classics, Bronze Age, reports that he has slain the Minotaur in the Labyrinth, defeated the centaurs, and united Athens as one city-state. 

Darren Hasselhoff, Law, '83, celebrated his expulsion from the Rhode Island bar by opening a private detective agency. His clients include the Alumni News.

Consequently, we know that Angeline MacWilliams, Communications, '97, is circulating a résumé that contains several outright lies.

And that Andrew Neary, Physics, '91, is no longer able to buy automobile insurance.

"I find myself becalmed by ambiguity," writes Becky Alt, Philosophy, '75. "I have no real values—it all seems relative—which is not to say that that's necessarily bad."

Brother Columba Kelty, Religious Studies, '61, has achieved "the peace that surpasseth all understanding."

But getting back to Mr. Hasselhoff, he predicts that David Witherspoon (as he now calls himself), Russian Studies, '71, will make a prompt and generous gift to his alma mater if he knows what is good for him.

Sandy Quince, Fine Arts, '84, is "Patient L" in the national best-seller Dysfunction: The Confidential Files of a Sex Therapist. (Mr. Hasselhoff made her the same offer, but she chose to call his bluff.)

Abelard Mourningdove, the last surviving member of the Class of 1913, recently marked his 105th birthday with this missive to his alma mater, "For the love of the sweet baby Jesus, take me off this damned mailing list." Happy Birthday Abe, and thanks for your recent gift! The negatives are in the mail. 

Howard Mansfield is the author of The Same Ax, Twice: Restoration and Renewal in a Throwaway Age.

Jim Naughton is the author of Catholics in Crisis: The Rift Between American Catholics and Their Church.