The Six Degrees of Chuck Berry

Feb. 23 2000 9:30 PM

The Six Degrees of Chuck Berry

Illustration by Steve Brodner

With apologies to Thomas Meehan.

Hi, everybody! I'm Kathie Lee Gifford, and welcome to the Music Excellence Awards. With co-host David Lee Roth, we'll meet some of the biggest names in the recording industry. Right, David Lee?

Totally, Kathie Lee! And here they come: Hollywood's Tommy Lee Jones, escorting singer Rickie Lee Jones, followed by blues man John Lee Hooker, the legendary Jerry Lee Lewis and rocker Tommy Lee. Hey, do you folks all know each other? No? Let me do introductions ...

Tommy Lee, John Lee. John Lee, Jerry Lee. Jerry Lee, Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee, Rickie Lee. Rickie Lee, John Lee. John Lee, Tommy Lee. Jerry Lee, Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee. Kathie Lee?

Thanks, David Lee. More artists are arriving, led by my own personal favorites, Boy George and Kid Rock. Hey, do you folks all know each other? No?

Boy, Kid. Mr. Rock, Jewel. Jewel, Cool. L.L., B.B. Mr. King, Mr. Hill. Dru, Lou. Mr. Bega, Ms. Vega. Suzanne, Celine. Ms. Dion, Mr. Zevon. Warren, Waylon. Mr. Jennings, Mr. Jagger. Mick, Nick. Mr. Lowe, Ms. Loeb. Lisa, Tina. Ms. Turner, Ms. Tucker. Tanya, Enya. Enya, Shania. Shania, Mariah. Mariah, Wynonna. Wynonna, Fiona. Ms. Apple, Mr. Berry. Chuck Berry, Buckcherry!

That's no little feat, Kathie Lee, but Buckcherry's a band! And more bands are arriving. Hey, do you folks all know each other? No?

Garbage, Biohazard. Biohazard, Anthrax. Anthrax, Megadeth. Megadeth, Genesis. Genesis, Live. Live, Offspring. Offspring, 10,000 Maniacs. Maniacs, Dummies. Crash Test Dummies, Goo Goo Dolls. Goo Goos, Go-Gos. Go-Gos, Toto. Toto, Kansas. Kansas, Alabama. Alabama, Bananarama. Bananarama, Chumbawamba. Chumbawamba, Eminem. Eminem, R.E.M. R.E.M., U2. U2, B-52s. B-52s, War. War, Bush. Bush, Presidents of the United States of America. Presidents, Barenaked Ladies. Barenaked Ladies, Squeeze. Squeeze, Sponge. Sponge, Cake. Cake, Cranberries. Cranberries, Buckcherry. Buckcherry, Chuck Berry!

Him again? Oh, well, it's a crowded house, David Lee! And more artists are arriving, led by my own personal favorite, Ozzy Osbourne. Hey, do you folks all know each other? No?

Ozzy, Mr. Nelson. Willie, Billy. Mr. Bragg, Ms. Crow. Sheryl, Cher. Cher, Bono. Mr. Bono, Ms. Ono. Yoko, Coolio. Coolio, Julio. Mr. Iglesias, Ms. Imbruglia. Natalie, Natalie. Ms. Merchant, Mr. Cash. Johnny, Yanni. Yanni, Danny. Mr. Elfman, Mr. Ant. Adam Ant, Flea. Flea, Mr. Doggy Dogg. Snoop Doggy, Puff Daddy. Mr. Daddy, Mr. Pop. Iggy Pop, Brandy. Brandy, Mr. Berry. Chuck Berry, Buckcherry!

Illustration by Steve Brodner

Them again? Oh well, they got lost in the traffic, no doubt. But more bands are arriving, Kathie Lee. Hey, do you folks all know each other? No?

Backstreet Boys, Indigo Girls. Indigo Girls, Dixie Chicks. Chicks, Styx. Styx, Stones. Rolling Stones, Jesus Jones. Jesus, Judas Priest. Judas, Godsmack. Godsmack, Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth, Kiss. Kiss, Yes. Yes, Wilco. Wilco, Devo. Devo, Jethro. Tull, Tool. Tool, Moe. Moe, Hole. Hole, Korn. Korn, Cracker. Cracker, Limp Bizkit. Limp Bizkit, Hot Tuna. Tuna, Phish. Phish, Byrds. Byrds, Eagles. Eagles, Eagle-Eye Cherry. Eagle-Eye Cherry, Buckcherry. Buckcherry, Chuck Berry!

Him again? He's just not in sync. More artists are arriving, David Lee, led by my own personal favorite, Sammy Hagar. Hey, do you folks all know each other? No?

Mr. Hagar, Mr. Harding. John Wesley, Lesley. Ms. Gore, Ms. Bush. Kate, Bonnie Raitt. Ms. Raitt, Mr. Strait. George Strait, Tom Waits. Tom, Tim. McGraw, Hill. Faith, Keith. Mr. Richards, Mr. Richard. Little, Baby. Ms. Spice, Mr. Ice. Vanilla, Santana. Santana, Madonna. Ms. Madonna, Mr. Idol. Billy, Billy. Mr. Ocean, Mr. Brooks. Brooks & Gaines, Brooks & Dunn, B & D, Miami Steve. Miami, Houston. Whitney, Britney. Ms. Spears, Mr. Slash. Mr. Slash, Mr. Manson. Marilyn Manson, Zachary Hanson. Zac, Beck. Beck, Boss. Bruce, Juice. Ms. Newton, Mr. Martin. Ricky, Mickey. Mr. Hart, Mr. Beefheart. Captain, Doctor. Dr. Dre, Mr. T. Ice, Ice. Mr. Cube, Mr. Loaf. Meat, Chuck. Chuck Berry! Buckcherry!

Them again? This is beginning to sound like a cheap trick, Kathie Lee! Oh, well, guess who just arrived! Hey, do you folks all know each other? No?

Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely are co-authors of 2007-Eleven and Other American Comedies, to be published this spring. Cammuso is a political cartoonist and Seely a reporter for the Syracuse Post-Standard in Syracuse, N.Y. 



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