Well, this is the last day of my online diary. I can't say that I am unhappy about that. When I agreed to this, I thought it would be a goof and that nobody would really read it. I have since discovered that tons of people have read it, and they let me know they have read it. At one point this week, part of it was posted on the Defamer Web site with a smarmy joke that was actually pretty funny and well-observed. I also saw an article that talked about how I said I liked the show Breaking Bonaduce and then quoted someone else who reviewed it for one of the Hollywood trade papers who said something about the fact that there is no way to shower long enough to get clean after watching that show. So, what, now I am supposed to stand behind my opinions or something? Then people posted observations on their personal blogs about what I was blogging about. It is all quite terrifying.
It certainly makes me less inclined to mention shows and CDs that I don't like. People work really hard to create, and who am I to say publicly that I don't like their creations? Millions of people love CSI. I don't. There's no real reason, I just don't feel the need to see grisly stuff like that. Why would I write that in a place where hundreds of thousands of people might read it? Damn, I did it again. This is why doing something like this is so dangerous.
But this is why I stopped doing stand-up comedy. In order to be really funny you usually need to be very angry. This self-righteousness is what makes people laugh. They want you to say the things that they have secretly thought. But I always thought, "Who the hell am I to talk like an authority about anything?" Later, someone told me that the most important thing an artist can do is to share himself with people. It is his or her job to bare his soul. This sharing makes people feel less alone. So, does that mean I should blab on about how lame I think Dr. Phil is for taking all of the suffering we are seeing down South in the aftermath of the hurricane and turning it into riveting, emotional television that makes him look like the most caring man on Earth, when, in fact, this is a ratings bonanza? I don't know.
I have opinions about all sorts of things I shouldn't share. For instance, what is going on with Tom Cruise? Is he really in love, or was his relationship with Katie Holmes orchestrated to promote BatmanBegins and War of the Worlds? Sometimes I think that if Tom Cruise is not in love with Katie Holmes, then he is doing all this because the celebrity media are out of control. If tabloids are going to hunt celebrities down and bother them 24 hours a day waiting for them to get laid, or do coke, or fall down in the mall, then why shouldn't celebrities manipulate them to promote their movies? If tabloids can make millions taking pictures of celebrities dropping their kids off at preschool, then why not orchestrate a fascinating relationship that helps their film get seen by more people and keeps them in the news?
I think 9/11 is the cause of all of this. People are more freaked out than they can say out loud. If we all talked about how scared we are that someone is going to nuke a city, or blow up the electric grid, or whatever nightmarish thing you can think of as you close your eyes before you go to sleep, then none of us would be able to leave the house to go to work. This celebrity obsession is a fantastic distraction from anthrax fears. I would rather read about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt than sit around wondering how bad the next attack will be in the United States. Maybe the terrorists feel the need to top their last atrocity and aren't going to do anything until they can make that happen.
So, in fact George Bush has done nothing to make us safe—the terrorists are just in a planning stage—and because they are very patient, unlike us, they don't mind waiting years between events. But let's also remember that Brad and Jen were having a lot of problems even before Angelina Jolie came on the scene, so it is hard to blame her for all this, because a strong relationship can withstand a hot lady hitting on the man of the house.
Which part of that paragraph would you rather think about? I would rather imagine and read about whether or not Brad and Angelina consummated before the split with Jennifer than about how there seems to be no exit strategy out of Iraq for our troops.
Shit, I've blogged again. I've babbled about issues I have no information about, other than what I read on the toilet when trying to get a break from my kids yelling at me. Should I be allowed to do that? Should anyone care what an aging comedy writer has to say?
Our world is not very thoughtful lately, but we all love to talk. We all think we are right. Like in my head, I am right about everything. So, why shouldn't I mouth off? Bloggers and former DJ's and hosts of shows like A Current Affair have no more right to speak out than I do. If I'm just trying to set people straight and educate them about my correct views, do I automatically become a self-righteous windbag like them, simply because I'm talking, and I am right? Like with Bush, remember when he thought we should not be nation-builders and mocked the Social Security lockbox? Those were the days. Don't you wish George Bush got caught getting a hand job from an intern? Isn't that a preferable scandal to all this? If only Clinton could have kept his dick in his pants, maybe we wouldn't have to have an administration that is not just arrogant but also inept. Even if you agree with their philosophies, these guys are awful at running a country. How many messes can you create in eight years?
And it is only beginning. This current administration is the wet dream of American corporations because Bush and company believe that business is the answer to all problems, not love. Have you ever heard anyone from this administration talk about how the citizens of this world need to join together and remember that we need each other? They laugh at that kind of talk. Butputting the hammer down does not work in all situations, and all we have done is show the world that we can be defeated. And that leads to more countries thinking they can have nuclear weapons because we are not the almighty USA anymore; we are the guys who can't even control Iraq.
I need to stop. I am blogging myself into oblivion. I am rambling. I am everything bad about the Internet. One more thing, though: I am so glad that Cheney got a new helicopter pad at his house. And I am shocked that Bush thinks I need a tax cut and am not willing to sacrifice for my country financially. And I am constantly amazed that Bush never thinks he should tell the country that conserving energy is a good idea. And I agree with the New York Times that Bin Laden tricked us into a war in the Middle East in order to inflame Muslims and create a movement. And I believe that George Bush is a terrifying man who behaves like a deer caught in headlights when real disasters occur. Whether it is reading to children during 9/11 or complimenting Brownie on doing "a heck of a job" while people die, Bush is the real disaster. And still the Democrats don't have a candidate or a point of view. Someone quick, unplug my computer!! End this please before the Huffington Post asks me to be a contributor!!! One more thing …
Judd Apatow is a writer and director, most recently of The 40–Year-Old Virgin. He also executive-produced the short-lived television series Freaks and Geeks.