12:40 p.m. The flag of Grenada is really something. It is bright and optimistic; some of its parts symbolize blood. It has a red border, and imbedded in the red border are six yellow stars, three on the top, three on the bottom. Inside the red border, in the flag’s central area of play, are two yellow triangles and two green ones, the yellow top and bottom, the green left and right. In the middle of the flag is a red circle, with a yellow star inside it. Then, in one of the green triangles … man, this is pretty hard to describe. Do you have a book of flags? Look up Grenada–it’s probably in there.
12:43. Advice for those of you hiding terrible secrets: Carry your secret with you somewhere where you can access it easily. Front pocket or purse. In general, be happy and laugh at the jokes told by friends and the stars on television, but sometimes take your secret out and look at it to remind yourself of what it looks like and how it feels in your hand. It feels like a burr. It is small and has a soft center, but if you squeeze it, it will puncture your skin, even if just a little. Do not give your secret to anyone else. Do not show anyone your secret and do not let anyone touch it. It will not feel the same to them. To them it might feel furry; it might even tickle. And if your terrible secret is tickling the hand of someone else, where will you be?
1:20 p.m. Ty Cobb. That guy had some amazing numbers. 45, 3, 67, 9, 83, 892, 4, 34, 1611. Incredible.
1:34 p.m. Advice for those who have seen things they should not have: Remember seeing that thing very clearly, but at the same time, with no clarity at all. Forget whether it was a dream or it was real, or whether it happened in a book or in a movie. Forget the people who starred in the thing you should not have seen. Remember the colors, and remember the things that happened just before, or just after. Add people to the scene who were not there but should have been there. If it was light in the room, make it dark. Add a range of burgundies. But never, ever, tell anyone about what you saw that you should not have seen. Instead, talk to people about Jon Cryer, of whom we surely have not seen the last, and John McCain, who just might give George W. a run for his money!
******
1:43 p.m. AN ABRIDGED HISTORY OF HAND-HOLDING
- 890 B.C. Only men hold hands.
- 28 B.C. Men sometimes hold hands with children.
- A.D. 77 Children begin to hold hands with their mothers.
- A.D. 230 Hand-holding banned, except between wealthy people. Wealthy people do it like it’s going out of style.
- A.D. 235 Hand-holding goes out of style.
- 240-1245 No record of hand-holding.
- A.D. 1412 The elders of a small Inuit tribe try to hold hands but cannot, due to bulky mittens.
- A.D. 1877 Holding hands underwater invented.
- A.D. 1999 Pete Rose appears on The Martin Short Show and wows ‘em.
******
5:37 p.m. HEROES OF CAPITALISM (a short docudrama, based on the real events of today)
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Is one of you Michael?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“Oh, hi. I talked to you on the phone.”
“Right.”
“I have a painting that needs to be shot.”
“Right. How many slides do you need?”
“Oh, just a few.”
“And this is the painting?”
“Yes. I didn’t stretch it. Is that OK?”
“Sure, sure. OK. When do you need the slides? I can get them back to you by Thursday … Friday at the latest.”
“Oh. Um. I’d really love to have them by Wednesday, actually. I’ll pay extra, if that would help.”
“Hmm. OK, we can do it. No extra charge. How’s Wednesday afternoon?”
“Great, great. Thanks.”
“No problem.”
“Thanks. So I’ll just come by on Wednesday?”
“Yep.”
“Great.”
“Great.”
“OK. Bye now.”
“See ya.”
“What?”
“I said ‘See ya.’ “
“Oh. Oh. OK, bye. Thanks.”
******
7:34 p.m. Found, at 6:20 p.m. on Monday, Dec. 13: a Polaroid picture, on the sidewalk of Prospect Park West Road, where that road meets First Street, in the Brooklyn category of New York. This Polaroid is real.
Now, here is what we know about this picture:
- That it says that the pictured woman is wanted by the FBI.
- That the word “wanted” has been crossed out.
- That the woman, who may or not be wanted by the FBI, is smiling.
- That the smiling woman, who may or may not be wanted by the FBI, is wearing eye shadow that is not flattering to her fair complexion.
Here is what we do not know:
- Who this woman is.
- Whether this woman is still at large.
- Why the word “wanted” has been crossed out.
- Why the woman would wear this shade of eye shadow, which is not flattering to her fair complexion.
- Why the FBI is using Polaroids for its Wanted notices, and sidewalks as its means of distribution.
- When someone will finally have the cojones to make an all-black Wizard of Oz.
