Day Seven
Monday, July 29, 1996
A while ago, my wife started talking about getting a boat.
“No way,” I said. “Jews don’t belong on boats.”
“Don’t be silly,” she replied. “The Old Testament is full of Jews who were mariners. Think about Noah.”
“That was a case of dire necessity. Anyway, as I recall, he put up a big fight.”
“OK,” she insisted, “What about Jonah?”
“Proves my point,” I said. “He got eaten by a fish.”
“Well, Jesus was a fisherman,” she insisted.
“Sure,” I said, “And look what happened to him.”
Some ideas can’t be stopped, however, especially once my boys get into the act. They thought it was a great idea, so I reluctantly agreed. Of course, I don’t know the first thing about boating, so whenever I’m out there on Big Bear Lake, as I was this past weekend, these absurd Dr. Seuss rhymes keep popping into my head. I feel a twang of reluctance about sharing them with the world–they would surely make me cringe if uttered by someone not of my faith–but self-mockery has always been an important component of Jewish humor, so here goes:
Jews and Boats
Jews and boats, boats and Jews.
Such a sight will sure amuse.
Why do they do it? I can’t say.
All day long they play and play.
Say!
Look, two crawdads
they have caught …
Such tasty crawdads
can’t be bought.
But
they’ll go free after a while,
‘cause they’re not even kosher style!
Tight and bright,
are their suits.
Their Bump-R-Tubes
are real beauts.
In the boat they jump,
Oh, dear!
To play some water games,
I fear!
I do not like
to tie a rope.
I cannot do it,
I cannot cope!
Slip knots, square knots, knots galore,
Oh! What a pain! Oh! What a bore!
It’s so confusing
for a sport.
Which way’s starboard,
which way port?
The kids are bumped
Bump!
Bump!
Bump!
Bump!
And in water
they get dumped.
I notice that
the engine’s hot.
What is wrong?
Oh, quite a lot!
The water pump,
the rectifier.
What is that?
Please don’t inquire.
A new propeller’s
needed too.
And a tuneup’s
long overdue.
Those who own one
know it’s true.
A boat’s a hole
in water blue.
A hole, a hole,
Yes! It’s a sin!
A hole to throw
your money in.
Now our day is
almost done.
So much pleasure!
So much fun!
Three boys,
Mama and papa.
This family is
MESHUGGENEH!
