A modest proposal for how MTV can follow up Jersey Shore: with a series called Massholes.

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Jan. 21 2010 12:24 PM

How Can MTV Follow Up Jersey Shore?

Massholes.

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Robert "Fitzy" Fitzpatrick, 24, Boston
Fitzy says he hates drama, but it always seems to follow him wherever he goes. This amateur hockey player (most recently, he's been holding down a spot on the checking line of the AHL's Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins) just wants to have fun this summer. But if love intervenes, Fitzy might have to choose between his love of hockey and his love of one special Massholina. Likes: his Boston Whaler, his beat-up Hartford Whalers hat. Dislikes: A-Rod.

Sarah "Animal" Conti, 21, Worcester, Mass.
Sarah never goes anywhere without her No. 12 Tom Brady Jersey or her trademark hairdo: a slicked-back ponytail with lots of bobby pins. Her girls back home nicknamed her "Animal," because when her hair is down, she looks like the eponymous muppet. Also because she drinks like a bear. These are qualities that Fitzy finds hard to resist.

Theodore "Weasel" Taft, 22, Marblehead, Mass.
This college senior wants one last summer of fun before he graduates from Dartmouth and starts his job in sales at his family's sailboat company. He just wants to stay out of trouble for two months, but he has a history of being disqualified from regattas for unsportsmanlike conduct. He has one rule: "Don't fall in love at the Cape."

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Aviva "Diva" Goldsmith, 20, Brookline, Mass.
Aviva works at her mother's nail salon by day, but by night her inner diva comes out. She's looking for that special guy in her life, but she's not willing to settle. Diva spends most weekend nights cruising for a husband at the bar across the street from Tufts' Dental School. She is a reality TV veteran, once appearing on an episode of MTV's True Life: I'm Getting Breast Implants.

Joe "Hot Rod" Tavares, 32, West Dennis, Mass.
The elder statesman of the crew and also the only local, Hot Rod's life is one endless summer share. He's the peacekeeper and the biggest sports fan: He has a full-torso tattoo of a Red Sox jersey, as well as a second tattoo in his nether regions that says "10/27/2004 World Champions." During football season, Hot Rod is a groundskeeper at Gillette Stadium and keeps a piece of sacred sod under his pillow for good luck. He touched Tom Brady's hair one time.

DJ Pauly D., 28, Johnston, R.I.
For the die-hard Jersey Shore fan who will surely be crushed when the original goes off the air, Massholes should provide some continuity. Who better than the pointy-haired Rhode Island native Pauly D.? He will spin at whatever cheesy club the Masshole housemates go to and occasionally "creep" on Aviva. As fans of Jersey Shore know, he has a history of hearting Jewish girls, and has a T-shirt to prove it.

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