A modest proposal for how MTV can follow up Jersey Shore: with a series called Massholes.

Arts, entertainment, and more.
Jan. 21 2010 12:24 PM

How Can MTV Follow Up Jersey Shore?


(Continued from Page 1)

Robert "Fitzy" Fitzpatrick, 24, Boston
Fitzy says he hates drama, but it always seems to follow him wherever he goes. This amateur hockey player (most recently, he's been holding down a spot on the checking line of the AHL's Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins) just wants to have fun this summer. But if love intervenes, Fitzy might have to choose between his love of hockey and his love of one special Massholina. Likes: his Boston Whaler, his beat-up Hartford Whalers hat. Dislikes: A-Rod.

Sarah "Animal" Conti, 21, Worcester, Mass.
Sarah never goes anywhere without her No. 12 Tom Brady Jersey or her trademark hairdo: a slicked-back ponytail with lots of bobby pins. Her girls back home nicknamed her "Animal," because when her hair is down, she looks like the eponymous muppet. Also because she drinks like a bear. These are qualities that Fitzy finds hard to resist.

Theodore "Weasel" Taft, 22, Marblehead, Mass.
This college senior wants one last summer of fun before he graduates from Dartmouth and starts his job in sales at his family's sailboat company. He just wants to stay out of trouble for two months, but he has a history of being disqualified from regattas for unsportsmanlike conduct. He has one rule: "Don't fall in love at the Cape."


Aviva "Diva" Goldsmith, 20, Brookline, Mass.
Aviva works at her mother's nail salon by day, but by night her inner diva comes out. She's looking for that special guy in her life, but she's not willing to settle. Diva spends most weekend nights cruising for a husband at the bar across the street from Tufts' Dental School. She is a reality TV veteran, once appearing on an episode of MTV's True Life: I'm Getting Breast Implants.

Joe "Hot Rod" Tavares, 32, West Dennis, Mass.
The elder statesman of the crew and also the only local, Hot Rod's life is one endless summer share. He's the peacekeeper and the biggest sports fan: He has a full-torso tattoo of a Red Sox jersey, as well as a second tattoo in his nether regions that says "10/27/2004 World Champions." During football season, Hot Rod is a groundskeeper at Gillette Stadium and keeps a piece of sacred sod under his pillow for good luck. He touched Tom Brady's hair one time.

DJ Pauly D., 28, Johnston, R.I.
For the die-hard Jersey Shore fan who will surely be crushed when the original goes off the air, Massholes should provide some continuity. Who better than the pointy-haired Rhode Island native Pauly D.? He will spin at whatever cheesy club the Masshole housemates go to and occasionally "creep" on Aviva. As fans of Jersey Shore know, he has a history of hearting Jewish girls, and has a T-shirt to prove it.



Meet the New Bosses

How the Republicans would run the Senate.

The Government Is Giving Millions of Dollars in Electric-Car Subsidies to the Wrong Drivers

Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.

Photos of the Crowds That Took Over NYC for the People’s Climate March

Friends Was the Last Purely Pleasurable Sitcom

The Eye

This Whimsical Driverless Car Imagines Transportation in 2059

Medical Examiner

Did America Get Fat by Drinking Diet Soda?  

A high-profile study points the finger at artificial sweeteners.

I Wrote a Novel Envisioning a Nigerian Space Program. Then I Learned Nigeria Actually Has One.

A Futurama Writer on How the Vietnam War Shaped the Series

  News & Politics
Sept. 21 2014 11:34 PM People’s Climate March in Photos Hundreds of thousands of marchers took to the streets of NYC in the largest climate rally in history.
Business Insider
Sept. 22 2014 9:39 AM Adrian Peterson Has a Terrible Contract, and Cutting Him Would Save the Vikings a Lot of Money
The Eye
Sept. 22 2014 9:12 AM What Is This Singaporean Road Sign Trying to Tell Us?
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 19 2014 4:58 PM Steubenville Gets the Lifetime Treatment (And a Cheerleader Erupts Into Flames)
  Slate Plus
Sept. 22 2014 8:08 AM Slate Voice: “Why Is So Much Honey Clover Honey?” Mike Vuolo shares the story of your honey.
Sept. 21 2014 9:00 PM Attractive People Being Funny While Doing Amusing and Sometimes Romantic Things Don’t dismiss it. Friends was a truly great show.
Future Tense
Sept. 22 2014 7:47 AM Predicting the Future for the U.S. Government The strange but satisfying work of creating the National Intelligence Council’s Global Trends report.
  Health & Science
Bad Astronomy
Sept. 22 2014 5:30 AM MAVEN Arrives at Mars
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.