Randall Patterson's work has appeared in the New York Times Magazine, Sports Illustrated, and The Best American Sports Writing 1999. He lives in Asheville, N.C. Seth Stevenson raced for his high school's cross-country ski team ... but he sucked, and mostly just did it on a dare. He now writes for Slate.

Who are these people?

We're all winners! Certainly you, Randall, and I guess me, too. And also the unpresentable Jamie Salé and the far more presentable Russian woman with her dyed blond hair. And Bode and Picabo and Apollo and all the other people with interesting names. Winners! And Jim McKay, too. He's a winner. And Jim Lampley, who gamely serves up curling every day with a tooth-whitened smile. Another winner! Let's just give the whole dang world one great big gold medal. World, you are a winner. You have figuratively landed your McTwist-720 combo, and it's time to step up to the podium. Huzzah! Cue Olympic theme. Cut to commercial.

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Randall Patterson's work has appeared in the New York Times Magazine, Sports Illustrated, and The Best American Sports Writing 1999. He lives in Asheville, N.C. Seth Stevenson raced for his high school's cross-country ski team ... but he sucked, and mostly just did it on a dare. He now writes for Slate.

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