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Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day or List Day).
This Wednesday: Eleven myths of de-cluttering.
One of my great realizations about happiness (and a point oddly underemphasized by positive psychologists) is that outer order contributes to inner calm.
But as much as most of us want to keep our home, office, car, etc., in reasonable order, it’s tough. Here’s a list of some myths of de-cluttering that make it harder to get rid of stuff.
Myths of Cluttering:
1. "I need to get organized." No! Don't get organized is your first step.
2. "I need to be hyper-organized." I fully appreciate the pleasure of having a place for everything, and perhaps counterintuitively, I believe it’s easier to put things away in an exact place, rather than a general place (“the third shelf of the coat closet,” not “a closet.”) However, this impulse can become destructive: If you’re spending a lot of time alphabetizing your spices, organizing your shoes according to heel height, creating 80 categories for your home files, etc., consider whether you need to be quite so precisely organized. I find this particularly true with toys—I’ve spent hours sorting pretend food, Polly Pockets pieces, and tea sets, only to find everything a jumble the next day.
3. "I need some more inventive storage containers." See no. 1. If you get rid of everything you don’t need, you may not need any fancy containers.
4. "I need to find the perfect recipient for everything I’m getting rid of." It’s easier to get rid of things when you know that you’ll be giving them to someone who can use them, but don’t let this kind intention become a source of clutter itself. I have a friend who has multiple piles all over her house, each lovingly destined for a particular recipient. This is generous and thoughtful, but it contributes mightily to clutter. Try to find one or two good recipients, or if you really want to move your ex-stuff in multiple directions, create some kind of rigid system for moving it along quickly.
5. "I can’t get rid of anything that I might possibly need one day." How terrible would it be if you needed a glass jar and didn’t have one? Do you have gigantic stores of things like rubber bands or ketchup packets? How many coffee mugs does one family use?
6. "I might get that gizmo fixed." Face it. If you’ve had something for more than six months, and it’s still not repaired, it’s clutter.
7. "I might learn how to use that gizmo." Again, face it. If you’ve had a gizmo on the shelf for a year, and you’ve never used it to make gelato or label a sugar jar, it’s clutter.
8. "I might lose a ton of weight and then I’d fit into these clothes again." If you lose a bunch of weight, you’ll want to buy a new pair of jeans, not a pair you bought seven years ago.
9. "I need to keep this as a memento of a happy time." I’m a huge believer in mementos; remembering happy times in the past gives you a big happiness boost in the present. But ask yourself: Do I need to keep all these T-shirts to remind me of college, or can I keep a few? Do I need to keep an enormous desk to remind me of my grandfather, or can I use a photograph? Do I need 50 finger-painted pictures by my toddler, or is one enough to capture this time of life? Mementos work best when they’re carefully chosen—and when they don’t take up much room!
10. "I need to keep this, because the person who gave it to me might visit my house and be hurt when it’s not on display." Is that person really likely to visit? Is that person really likely to remember the gift? Will the person really be upset by the lack of viewing of the gift?
11. "If I have any available space, I should fill it up with something." No! One of my Secrets of Adulthood is Somewhere, keep an empty shelf. I know where my empty shelf is, and I treasure it.
* Today I had coffee with the fabulous Pamela Redmond Satran, author of many books, including the recent New York Times best-seller How Not To Act Old and the absolutely hilarious blog of the same name. Enter at your own risk—dangerously addictive, book and blog both.
* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
● Link to a post on Twitter
● Pre-order the book for a friend
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.
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Although it may seem reductive, I think people grasp and remember great truths better when they’re snappily summed up. I love epigrams, aperçus, apothegms, and aphorisms of all sorts, and I try to to sum up my happiness conclusions in catchy, yet of course profound, axioms.
My greatest success so far: The days are long, but the years are short. That short sentence says it all. (If you haven’t seen my one-minute video, check it out.)
I was thinking about my Second Splendid Truth. Just getting it down to these two statements took enormous effort on my part. It sounds so simple, but there is a circularity to these ideas that confused me for a long time:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make someone else happy;
One of the best ways to make someone else happy is to be happy yourself.
So true, so true. But not very snappy.
But yesterday I hit on this!
Happy people make people happy.
This simple language almost makes this point sound trivial, but the epigram actually conveys what I think is one of the most important arguments about happiness—and it also refutes pernicious Happiness Myth no. 1.
Also ...
Making people happy makes people happy.
Again, the language is simple, but the argument is one made throughout the ages by great philosophers, religious readers, and scientists.
I especially like the first one. Zoikes, I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from inventing these epigrams.
In other happy news: The Happiness Project got a mention in the new issue of Vanity Fair, in the “FanFair” section. Yippee! (Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention that my book is coming out next month?) In case you want to run right out to see it, it’s in the issue that has Robert Pattinson on the cover—very appropriate because yes, I am going to see New Moon on opening night.
* I was fascinated by this post by Christine Whelan, Self-Help Isn’t for Dummies. According to her research, and contrary to what some folks assume, people who tend to buy self-help books are people who already have a fair measure of self-control and want even more.
* If you’re in a book group and think you might choose The Happiness Project as a reading selection, please let me know. I’ll send you a discussion guide, plus I plan to give away some free advance copies of the book, and I’ll choose addresses from these emails.
● E-mail me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com (don’t forget the “1”) with the message “book group"
● include your name and address if you’d like to be eligible for a free book
● if you’re willing, I’d love to know a little about your group: how many members, what you read, etc. No particular reason, I’m just curious about book groups!
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My First Splendid Truth is: To be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth. Although this sounds like a simple and rather obvious formula, it took me a huge amount of time and thinking to work it out.
Even once I’d come up with it, however, I didn’t understand the true importance of the fourth element, the atmosphere of growth. But the more I think about the elements of a happy life, the more convinced I’ve become of its importance.
How do you cultivate an atmosphere of growth? You can fix something broken; clean something up; help someone who’s in trouble; make something; help someone move forward; learn something new; start something; plan and execute something. Having a place in your life where you are “growing” will make you feel much happier – plus these kinds of activities tend to foster other happiness-boosting actions, like spending time with people, making new friends, anticipating something fun, trying something new and challenging, etc.
One of my favorite ways to “grow” is to read something that changes the way I view the world. Suddenly, everything comes into focus more clearly, and my understanding deepens.
I felt this way when I read McCloud’s Understanding Comics, Tufte’s The Visual Display of Quantitative Information, Bataille’s The Accursed Share: Consumption (I thought my head would explode when I read that, still have never been able to re-read it), Woolf's The Waves, Canetti’s Crowds and Power, Koestenbaum’s Jackie Under My Skin…
I have a special fondness for analysis that’s heavy on lists, categories, and schemes. That’s how I think myself – whether about power, money, fame and sex, or the life of Winston Churchill, or a happiness project, I always impose a very strict explicit order on my subject.
I’m enjoying this experience of intellectual revelation right now, because I’m halfway through the extraordinary book, Christopher Alexander’s The Nature of Order: Book One: The Phenomenon of Life. I already had this experience reading Alexander before, because I still haven’t recovered from the ecstasy of reading A Pattern Language. I’m slowly working my way through everything Alexander wrote, and The Nature of Order is not disappointing me.
In a nutshell, Alexander is outlining the qualities that give “life” to design – in the man-made world and in the natural world. Since I began this book, I find myself looking at buildings, fabrics, shells, everything, in a new way. One of the great, fundamental interests of my life is the relationship between people and objects (why, I have no idea, but this subject fascinates me) – plus I have an obsession that I call “symbols beyond words” which incorporates some of Alexander’s ideas.
Alexander identifies “fifteen structural [and also, he argues, objective] features which appear again and again in things which do have life”:
1. levels of scale
2. strong centers
3. boundaries
4. alternating repetition
5. positive space
6. good shape
7. local symmetries
8. deep interlock and ambiguity
9. contrast
10. gradients
11. roughness
12. echoes
13. the void
14. simplicity and inner calm
15. non-separateness
Considering his arguments is giving me tremendous intellectual pleasure -- in particular, because I’m not a visually oriented person, they're giving me a very satisfying tool for looking at the world and understanding what I find pleasing. (Though I have to admit, I just don’t appreciate a good Turkish carpet design the way Alexander does.)
The atmosphere of growth can be particularly useful to consider when you’re feeling unhappy, because it’s an area that’s directly under your control, right away. You can do something now to create an atmosphere of growth.
True, when you're feeling blue, it can be tough to push yourself to learn something new, or get something started, or whatever. So start small. Search for an area where you can foster a bit of growth.
* I always find a lot of interesting, and funny, material on RealDelia -- "finding yourself in adulthood."
* Volunteer as a Super-Fan, and from time to time, I'll ask for your help. Nothing onerous, I promise! But a big help to me.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of the most surprising, and useful, things I’ve learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment: Act the way I want to feel.
Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. More than a century ago, philosopher and psychologist William James described this phenomenon: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” By acting as if you feel a certain way, you induce that emotion in yourself.
I use this strategy on myself. If I feel shy, I act friendly. If I feel irritated, I act lovingly. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it’s uncannily effective.
Lately, I’ve been feeling low. I had various justifications for my blue mood, but just last night it occurred to me – maybe it’s due to my persistent case of viral conjunctivitis (which has been on my mind a lot).
As a consequence of the conjunctivitis, my eyes well up constantly, and I wipe tears off my face many times through the day. Maybe that’s contributing to my feelings of sadness.
It sounds far-fetched – that I feel sad because my eyes are watering as a result of eye inflammation – but I have indeed caught myself wondering, “Why am I feeling so emotional, why am I tearing up?” My mind was searching for an explanation that justified such a tearful response.
Actions, even involuntary actions, influence feelings. Studies show that an artificially induced smile can prompt happier emotions, and an experiment suggests that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry, frowning faces.
Usually, however, I invoke the act-the-way-I-want-to-feel principle not in the context of involuntary action, like tearful eyes, but in the context of self-regulation. When I’m feeling an unpleasant feeling, I counteract it by behaving the way I wish I felt -- when I feel like yelling at my children, I make a joke; when I feel annoyed with a sales clerk, I start acting chatty.
It really works. When I can make myself do it.
How about you? Have you ever experienced a situation where a change in your actions has changed your emotions?
* Last weekend was the New York City marathon, which is a very big deal for everyone living in New York City. It creates a very festive feeling, even when you’re not running, or watching the race, or even following it on TV. It’s a very happy event. I loved watching this time-lapse video on Gimundo of a single city block during the race.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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On the Inspiration Board of the Happiness Project Toolbox, people have posted a staggeringly interesting array of happiness-related quotations, images, book suggestions, and Web site recommendations.
It seems like a good idea to create a place here where people can shine a spotlight on happiness-boosting blogs and Web sites—so I'm making a chart. List your favorite here. And don't feel shy about adding yourself to the chart.
There is such a treasure trove of material out there; it's hard to keep up with all the great sites to visit. I hope this list will be a good resource.
* I'm a huge fan of the writer Daniel Pink, so I was very interested to watch his TED talk on motivation. I can't wait to get my hands on his new book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us—but will have to wait until it comes out in December. I may be slightly distracted at that point, because my book hits the shelves on the very same day. What a coincidence.
* Speaking of the Happiness Project Toolbox—check it out! It has eight free tools to help you launch and track your own happiness project.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for boosting your energy.
Feeling energetic is a key to feeling happy. Studies show that when you feel energetic, you feel much better about yourself. On the other hand, when you feel exhausted, tasks that would ordinarily make you happy—like putting up holiday decorations—make you feel overwhelmed and blue.
When my energy feels at an ebb, I try one of these techniques. (Well, first I drink something with caffeine in it, but if I feel like I need to take further steps, I try these strategies.)
1. Exercise—even a quick 10-minute walk will increase your energy and boost your mood. This really works! Try it!
2. Listen to lively music.
3. Get enough sleep. If the alarm blasts you out of a sound sleep every morning, you’re not getting enough—and it matters. (Here are some tips for getting good sleep.)
4. For some people, taking a 10-to-30-minute nap is a big help. I can’t nap, myself, but my father has been known to take three naps in one day.
5. Act energetic. Research shows that when people move faster, their metabolism speeds up. Also, because the way we act influences the way we feel (to an almost uncanny degree), by acting energetic you'll make yourself feel more energetic.
6. Talk to friends. I’ve noticed that if I’m feeling low and then run into a friend on the street, I walk away feeling much more energetic. Reach out if you need a boost. This is true for introverts and extroverts alike.
7. Get something done. Crossing a nagging chore off your to-do list provides a big rush of energy. For a huge surge, clean out a closet. You’ll be amazed at how great you feel afterward.
8. Do NOT use food. It’s tempting to reach for a carton of ice cream when you’re feeling listless, but in the end, all those extra calories will just drag you down. In general, be wary of the urge to treat yourself when you're feeling low.
Energy (or lack of energy) is contagious. If you feel energetic, you’ll help the people around you feel energetic, too. And that makes them feel happier. In fact, in his excellent book, The No A***ole Rule, Bob Sutton reports that being an energizer was one of the strongest predictors of a positive performance evaluation at work.
* How great! Groups for people who are doing happiness projects together have launched all over the world, and the group in Singapore, led by Marion, got written up in the magazine Her World. Click here if you want a starter kit.
* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
● Link to a post on Twitter
● Pre-order the book for a friend
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’m much more likely to be persuaded to try a piece of advice urged by a specific person who tells me that it worked for him or her, than by any other kind of argument.
I’m a new fan of the hilarious blog Mom-101, so I was curious to hear what writer Liz Gumbinner had to say about happiness.
She writes about parenthood and life in general on her blog and in anthologies like Sleep Is for the Weak: The Best of the Mommybloggers, True Mom Confessions, and See Mom Run (just out this week). She’s also the publisher/editor-in-chief of Cool Mom Picks. I was especially interested in Liz when I found out that she also lives in New York City. (I rarely seem to meet any NYC bloggers—why is that?)
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Liz: Oh man, you're going to make me start this off with the cheesiest, most cliche answer ever—but hugging my kids. There's something about two little girls squealing and running toward you with arms outstretched that is the singularly most exquisite example of happiness that ever existed. (And to think my former answer was "pedicures.")
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I used to have the cause and effect thing all backward. I thought that if, say, the right boy liked me, it would make me happy. Now I know that it's happiness that attracts good people into your life. Also, I now know that that right boy grows up to be bald, twice-divorced, and a drunken slob at high school reunions.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I am the quintessential people-pleaser. I try to make everyone else happy, which often puts me last. I need to stop that. I mean, if you're OK with that.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful?
There's a story about a king who challenges his wise men to bring him something that, when he's sad it will make him happy, and when he's happy it will make him sad. They spend months on the project, and return to him with a small ring engraved with the saying, "This too, shall pass." It's a great reminder that everything is cyclical.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
I am now outing the dorky new-agey side of myself, but I love the little bag of runes I've had since college. If I'm in a tough spot, I draw a rune, and it always gives me some much-needed perspective on the situation. Of course, there's always mac 'n' cheese, a glass of Pinot Noir and some bad escapist reality TV, which is like the emergency comfort trifecta.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The happiest people seem to be very focused on whatever they are doing. Unhappy people seem to be very focused on what other people are doing. (With the exception of reality-TV-watching, because really, those aren't actual people, right?)
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I think overall I'm a happy person—I once had a co-worker ask what medication I was on, because I was always smiling. This was not the same co-worker who asked me if my boobs were real. (Aw, those were the days.) But I've certainly gone through some dark periods of depression or anxiety or sadness. One of the toughest times for me was when I was pregnant for the first time. I was on bedrest, I gained a lot of weight, my relationship wasn't the best it's ever been, and I felt like nothing more than an incubator. I got through it with the support of friends and family who loved me unconditionally and the knowledge that my situation was finite. See, also: "This too shall pass."
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
For me, the opposite of happy isn't sad; it's anxious. So I try to avoid the people and situations that stress me out and don't bring joy into my life. I try to stay off the blogs that exist only to be cruel, I don't follow drama-starters on Twitter, and I have banished all the energy suckers from my circle of friends. In fact, I think taking inventory of who your friends are at any given time is a pretty strong indicator of where your own head is. I'm so lucky right now that Kristen Chase, my partner and co-publisher of Cool Mom Picks (and a great friend!) is so collaborative and positive and supportive in every way as is the rest of our staff. I feel lucky every day to have such positive, wonderful people in my work life day to day.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t—or vice versa?
I tried going blonde for a while. It didn't make me happier, although it definitely changed the kinds of guys who tried to hit on me in bars.
* Although I don't meet many NYC bloggers, I do manage to meet a lot of far-flung blogland friends when they come through New York. I'm a longtime reader of Beyond Blue, so am very happy to be meeting Therese Borchard in person, at last. I predict a long conversation about St. Therese of Lisieux, too. Can't wait.
* For more discussion about happiness, join the Facebook Page. Lots of people, lots of fascinating conversation.
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A significant factor in happiness is the hedonic treadmill, or hedonic adaptation.
People are adaptable. We quickly adjust to a new life circumstance—for better or worse—and consider it normal. Although this helps us when our situation worsens, it means that when circumstances improve, we soon become hardened to new comforts or privileges. Scoring air-conditioning, a bigger house, or a fancy title gives us only a brief boost in happiness before we start to take it for granted. As Aldous Huxley wrote, “Habit converts luxurious enjoyments into dull and daily necessities.” That’s the hedonic treadmill.
One cure for this “hedonic treadmill” is deprivation. Deny yourself something, and your pleasure in it will be re-activated when the denial stops.
I’m being reminded of this truth the tough way, through the painful deprivation of some small things I’ve taken for granted for years and never realized how much they contributed to my happiness: my contact lenses.
For the past month, I’ve had a particularly stubborn case of viral conjunctivitis, and although my eyes don’t hurt or itch (for which I am very grateful), they're bloodshot and tear constantly. My doctor told me I’d recover more quickly if I didn’t wear my lenses.
Boy, I didn’t realize how much my contact lenses added to my base level of daily happiness. First, my glasses frames dig into my head behind my ears, and that hurts and gives me a headache. Second, my glasses are about 15 years old, and I look goofy in them. (Having bloodshot, watery eyes isn't improving my looks, either.) Third and most important, I just can’t see as well with my glasses. I’m legally blind—extremely near-sighted—and glasses just don’t work as well as contact lenses. (An eye doctor once told me, “Your vision is so corrected that you’ll see everything slightly smaller than it actually is,” a puzzling statement that sounds like the opening of a Steve Wright routine.) And somehow, not seeing clearly makes me feel like I’m not thinking clearly.
Ah, contacts! How I took them for granted. How happy I’ll be to wear them again. So often I complained to myself about the chore of putting them in and taking them out, of visiting the drugstore to buy the two kinds of solution I need (this is tough for me, as an underbuyer), of having to be careful not to rip or lose them. I won’t be complaining again for a long time.
Deprivation is one of the most effective, although unenjoyable, cures for the hedonic treadmill.
* Oh my goodness, the brilliant Fred Wilson of A VC called me a blog star! That makes me very happy.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“Natural inclinations are assisted and reinforced by education, but they are hardly ever altered or overcome.”—Montaigne
This brief line from Montaigne is probably one of the top three biggest influences on the decisions I make as a parent—along with the memory of my own upbringing and the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.
* This post about My Current To-Do List on Citizen of the Month had me laughing out loud.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I’ve written before about my resolution to Get more sleep, and I’m bringing it up again, because I’m truly convinced that this is one of the first aspects of life to tackle when you start a happiness project.
It’s easy to become accustomed to being sleep-deprived, but it’s not good for you. Many researchers argue that not getting enough sleep has broad health consequences, such as raising your risk for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and even obesity, but in addition to those, it has a profound effect on your happiness.
One study showed that a bad night’s sleep was one of the top two reasons for being in a bad mood at work. (The other? Tight work deadlines.) Another study suggested that getting one extra hour of sleep each night would do more for your daily happiness than getting a $60,000 raise.
But here’s another reason why I think sleep matters so much for happiness: exhaustion makes the mornings tougher.
The morning is a hard time for many people.
First, a lot of people try to exercise early in the morning. This is a great idea—you check it off your list and get the mood boost all day long. My weight-training instructor told me, “I’ve noticed that people who exercise first thing are much more likely to stick to an exercise program. If you roll out of bed and exercise, you get it out of the way. If you try to do it later, you come up with excuses for yourself, or other things interfere.”
Second, a lot of people face a gruesome commute. A bad commute is a real happiness challenge and one to which people don’t adapt. If you’re sleepy, you’re going to be crabby and inattentive, and that’s a bad combination in a driver.
Third, a lot of people have to get their kids off to school. This is why I need a lot of sleep. Every single morning tries my patience to the utmost. If my big one isn’t complaining, my little one is whining. Remembering to put everything in the backpacks, picking out clothes, finding the right mittens, leaving on time … it’s hard, every day. A lot of my resolutions, such as Sing in the morning and Observe the evening tidy-up, are aimed at improving the morning experience. (Here are some tips for keeping school-day mornings cheery.)
I’ve also resolved to “Get up at 6 a.m.,” so I have an hour to get myself organized before the rest of my family wakes up. And what does this mean? It means I have to go to sleep earlier.
I was lucky enough to get an advance copy of my friend Erin Doland’s excellent new book, Unclutter Your Life in One Week. It has lots of great information and tips, and I was quite struck by her observation:
“Experience has taught me that to get out of bed just fifteen minutes earlier each morning, most people need to go to bed thirty minutes earlier. To wake up and feel refreshed thirty minutes earlier in the morning requires going to bed a full hour earlier.”
I’d assumed this had just been my idiosyncratic experience, so I was surprised to see that someone else had found the same thing. Alas, I think this is absolutely true.
The fact is, I resent having to go to bed so early, just at the beginning of one of the most enjoyable parts of my day. I finally have an opportunity to read for fun, call my sister in Los Angeles, cruise the internet, or watch TV. Instead, I have to turn out the light.
It’s strange that turning off the light is so hard. You’d think, “What could take less effort than going to sleep?” and yet I find that it sometimes takes a lot of effort to put myself to bed, even when I’m actually feeling sleepy. It’s just so much fun to stay up—or sometimes I feel too tired to take out my contacts.
Getting enough sleep really pays off, though. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, or listless, or irritable, try getting more sleep for a week. That might help more than you expect.
What do you think? How much is your happiness affected by the amount of sleep you get?
* On Gimundo, I read about a fascinating study that suggests that being in a clean-smelling environment makes people behave in a more fair and generous way.
* If you’re in a book group and think you might choose The Happiness Project as a reading selection, please let me know. I’ll send you a discussion guide, plus I plan to give away some free advance copies of the book, and I’ll choose addresses from these emails.
● E-mail me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com (don’t forget the “1”) with the message “book group"
● include your name and address if you’d like to be eligible for a free book
● if you’re willing, I’d love to know a little about your group: how many members, what you read, etc. No particular reason, I’m just curious about book groups!
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five great “don’ts” of a happiness project.
Several people have said to me, “When you’re making a resolution, it’s better not to say ‘No’ or ‘Don’t’ to yourself. You should keep it positive. Find ways to say 'yes'!”
I think there’s some merit to thinking about resolutions this way—but I don’t agree completely. First of all, sometimes it feels good to say no to yourself. For instance, I resolved No more drinking (mostly), and that resolution has made me much happier. (If you're giving something up, you might want to take the "Are you a moderator or an abstainer?" quiz.)
Also, sometimes following a “don’t” can make you very happy. Here are the five great don’ts of my happiness project—admittedly, some of them are fairly controversial:
1. Don’t get organized.
2. Don’t use my self-control.
3. Don’t treat myself.
4. Don’t practice random acts of kindness.
5. Don’t try to keep that resolution.
My personal favorite is "Don't get organized." What do you think? Have you made a “don’t” resolution that has made you happier?
* A reader sent me the link to a very interesting post on the great blog the Simple Dollar: 15 things more important than money.
* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
● Link to a post on Twitter
● Pre-order the book for a friend
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.
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One of my surprisingly difficult happiness-project resolutions is to ask for help—and now I’m asking.
The Internet has changed a lot about publishing. There are many new ways to reach readers—and that means a lot of new tasks for writers. This can be daunting, at times, and I often remind myself of one of my most important happiness realizations: Novelty and challenge bring happiness.
One of the novel challenges facing me right now is the creation of a book trailer, which has been on my to-do list for, well, about 18 months. By a crazy lucky chance (or another instance of the uncannily true Zen saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears"), my friend Maria Giacchino, of Little Jacket Video Productions, has just started making book trailers, and she’s done two great ones for two great books: for Abigail Pogrebin’s One and the Same and Deborah Copaken Kogan’s Hell Is Other Parents.
So now I'm working on my book trailer. In it, I’d love to include clips of readers talking about what happiness-project resolutions have worked in their own lives.
So I’m asking for your help.
If this is the kind of task that appeals to you (and for many of you, it won’t appeal one bit, I know, so read no further), and you’ve used a happiness-project resolution to happy result, please consider …
● shooting a quick video of yourself naming a resolution that has boosted your happiness, or some important realization you gained, from The Happiness Project. Remember, the entire trailer will be about one minute long, and we want to include many people, so say something very quick and soundbite-y. "The resolution to 'Make your bed' changed my life!" etc.
● posting the video to the Facebook Page so everyone can see it. In the middle of the page, you'll see the "Wall" box that says, "What's on your mind?" Below it are icons, one of which is a video camera. Click on that, and you'll get a prompt to upload or record a video. I THINK. Facebook seems different for everyone who uses it, so I THINK this is what you'll see. I THINK you should be able to do this without joining the Page, but if you don't see a likely way to do this, join the Page and maybe that will help. (I promise, this is not meant to be a sneaky way of getting you to join the Page! Sorry about that!) There should also be a "Video" tab across the top; you can use that, too.
● if I end up taking a clip from your video, I’ll be in touch with you to get a permission form. And I'll be ecstatically grateful.
Please do consider doing this! I would so appreciate it!
My happiness project has taught me “novelty and challenge bring happiness.” Following that precept prompted me to add another happiness-project resolution, “Enjoy the fun of failure.” I’m worried that no one will post a single video, and I’ll feel like a loser. That’s the problem with novelty and challenge—they often come with anxiety, frustration, and … feeling like a loser. So I remind myself, “This is fun! Enjoy the FUN of failure.” If no one posts, that’s okay.
Happiness doesn’t always make me feel happy. A mystery.
* I've spent a lot of time over the past few days reading the blog To the Max—"Take that, cerebral palsy!" "This blog is about parenting, extreme honesty, chocolate ice-cream and life with my little boy, Max, who had a stroke at birth and kicks butts." There was a great post yesterday: Is it wrong to make your child wear a Bed, Bath & Beyond shopping bag for Halloween?
* Gold star for people who shoot a video of themselves naming their favorite resolution!
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Two of my happiness-project resolutions are Take time for projects and Enjoy the seasons and this time of life. These are family-directed resolutions, meant to make sure that I put the time and effort into holidays, family projects, and fun outings.
I came up with these resolutions because the year before my happiness project, Halloween came and went without us carving a pumpkin, and I was utterly appalled at myself. To my mind, that’s Mommy malpractice, even though my daughters didn’t seem to mind much. (Lesson learned: We bought and carved a pumpkin yesterday.)
Because of these resolutions, I’m always looking for fun and also manageable ways to do family projects or celebrate family traditions. For example, I love holiday breakfasts—an idea I lifted from a friend.
I just got a new idea from an unexpected source. I’m a raving Chuck Palahniuk fan, but I don’t turn to his novels for inspiration on lovely ways to celebrate traditions with my children. No, there’s a lot you can get from Fight Club and Choke and Survivor, but sweet family traditions aren’t there.
On the suggestion of a thoughtful reader, however, I picked up a copy of Palahniuk’s nonfiction essays, Stranger Than Fiction, and I was captivated by an idea I read about in “The People Can.” Palahniuk describes the lives of the crew of the Naval submarine the Louisiana, and he explains the tradition of Halfway Night.
“Before departure, the family of each man on board gives Chief of Boat Ken Biller a shoe-box-sized package, and on the night that marks the halfway point in the patrol, called Halfway Night, Biller distributes the boxes. Smith’s wife sends photos and beef jerky and a toy motorcycle to remind him of his own bike on shore. Greg Stone gets a pillowcase printed with a photograph of his wife, Kelley.”
I’m enchanted by the idea of “Halfway Night.” It seems like a great idea to adapt to any arduous situation, to something truly awful like chemotherapy or just extremely tiresome, like studying for the bar exam.
I can’t think of something in my life right now that would lend itself to a Halfway Night, but I’m squirreling the idea away for the proper occasion.
Have you hit upon a tradition to ease a difficult situation? Have you tried something like Halfway Night?
* I spent a lot of time cruising around Parents Connect—"We're not perfect, we're parents."
* If you're interested in launching a group for people who meet to do their happiness projects together, sign up for the starter kit. More than 3,000 people have requested it. You might also like to check out the Facebook conversation for group leaders—that's a good resource if you're trying to get started.
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“We must, therefore, pursue the things that make for happiness, seeing that when happiness is present, we have everything; but when it is absent, we do everything to possess it.”—Epicurus
This statement is much more challenging and mysterious than it appears at first glance. What things really bring happiness? How do we pursue those things?
* My friend Abigail Pogrebin's book, One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle To Be Singular, just came out. Her book trailer is terrific; the book sounds fascinating, even to a person like me who is not a twin, let alone an identical twin, and I've ordered my copy—but also, I must admit that I could look at photos of identical twins for hours.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of my Secrets of Adulthood (cribbed from Niels Bohr) is “The opposite of a great truth is also true.” So whenever I’m very convinced that something is true, I ask myself, “Is the opposite also true?”
The main strategy for my happiness project is to make and keep resolutions. I’ve made dozens, maybe hundreds of resolutions, and I have a Resolutions Chart on which I score myself on the most important resolutions. I constantly remind myself, “It’s important to keep that resolution! It will make me happier!” and usually it does.
But I have at least one resolution that I just can’t seem to keep, and I’ve decided to resolve to do just the opposite, to “give up that resolution.”
I’m giving up my longstanding, often-repeated resolution to “entertain more.” Fact is, I’ve never really committed to that resolution: I never broke the goal down into steps that I could follow and pushed myself to keep them. Well, why not? Why was I able to keep resolutions like Stop gossiping and Read more and Don’t expect praise or appreciation, but not this one?
I want to entertain more, but clearly, I also do NOT want to entertain more. Finally I realized—I need to give up this resolution for a while.
If I’m honest with myself, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. The Happiness Project book is finally about to hit the shelves, and that means a lot of work—not just writing work, which I’m used to, but other kinds of work. My children need a lot of attention. My husband has been traveling a fair amount. When I have some spare time, I want to just hang around the apartment and read; I don’t want another to-do list, even for something fun. Some people like party errands (flowers, food, fixing up the house, figuring out whom to invite), but I don’t.
So I’ve decided to abandon that resolution for a while.
Starting an exercise routine. Learning Italian. Cleaning the basement. We all have longstanding resolutions hanging over our heads—resolutions that we want to keep, but we don’t really make much progress toward and which can therefore give us a feeling of powerlessness or failure. As important as it is to try to keep resolutions, sometimes you need to give up a resolution.
Sometimes, too, I think a resolution can block you. You don’t have any nice clothes because you want to lose weight. You don’t read any novels because you’ve promised yourself to read War and Peace. Letting go of one resolution might make it easier to keep other resolutions.
The thing is, I know if I’d keep the resolution to entertain more, it would make me happier. But I’m going to admit to myself how happy it will make me not to keep that resolution.
How about you? Have you ever boosted your happiness when you gave up a resolution?
* I loved watching this video of starlings' flight patterns.
* Zoikes! More than a week has gone by since I mentioned the fact that The Happiness Project is available for pre-order! Act now! If you need any convincing, look here and here.
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One of the most exciting things about working on my happiness project is seeing other people start their own happiness projects.
I get a real kick from seeing these happiness-project blogs, where people have taken my basic idea and run with it themselves -- taking the concept in so many different directions. Every happiness project is different; every one is fascinating. Check these blogs out yourself:
Positively Present
Starfish Envy
Our Happiness Project
Happiness
Habit BlogOne Woman’s Search for Happiness
Wake Up LaughingInsideOutHappy
Abby’s World
Take a Walk on the Happy Side
My Own Personal Happiness Project
Lena’s Notebook for the Modern Mom
Wonderful World of Make Believe
Gleeful
PHATMommy
Michael Faulkner’s Blog
The Happiness Project
Better Me
Amy Williams/My Happiness Project
Shimmer And Shake
Egg Day--The Brunch Project
Hollis Adoption- Columbia South America
The Beautification Project
Happiness Project
Mind Over Matter
Holy Happiness Project
The Rose Happiness Project
Blessed Lessons
If you have a blog that's not on this list, please add yours to this simple form. I'm keeping a running list and want to be able to highlight what you're doing. (Over on my own home blog, The Happiness Project, I have a chart that updates automatically each time a new entry is added to the form, but I can't get the chart to appear on Slate, for some reason.)
If you'd like to start a happiness project, but don't want to do it using a blog, here are some ideas for getting started. Happiness projects for everyone!
* How can I resist a column on Money & Happiness? I can't, so I'm a big fan of Laura Rowley's writing Yahoo! Finance.
* For more discussion about happiness, join the Facebook Page. Lots of people, lots of fascinating insights and conversation.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight excellent tips for living my parents gave me.
My mother:
● “Stay calm.” My mother probably reminds of this three or four times each time I see her. I really need this advice. Every day.
● “The things that go wrong often make the best memories.” My mother told me this when we were getting ready for my wedding. It's a very good thing to keep in mind, because it's absolutely true, and it can also help you laugh at a bad situation while it's happening.
● "You like to have a few things that you really like, instead of lots of choices." Okay, this advice might not be widely applicable, but it was a huge revelation to me about my own nature. My mother made this comment in the context of clothes, but it's true in many areas of my life.
● “That's so wonderful! Be grateful, because you worked hard for what you got, and you deserved it, but others also worked hard, and people don’t always get what they deserve.” My mother made this observation when I called home to report that I'd been elected the editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal. I repeated her remark to a friend, who thought it sounded like a little unenthusiastic, but in fact, it was reassuring, especially in the long run. Because it's TRUE. You don't always get what you deserve, even when you work hard, and my mother's observation has been very comforting to me in other circumstances, when things didn't go my way.
My father:
● “If you’re willing to take the blame, people will give you the responsibility.” This was perhaps the best advice for the workplace I ever got.
● “Energy.” Very true. The first chapter of The Happiness Project is devoted to energy. (Here are nine tips for giving yourself an energy boost in the next 10 minutes.)
● “Enjoy the process.” If you can enjoy the process, you are less concerned about outcomes. That's a big help in the world.
● “All you have to do is put on your running shoes and let the front door shut behind you.” Good advice for all couch potatoes trying to pick up an exercise habit. Just do that much! That counts!
My parents never gave me relationship advice or weighed in on my boyfriends (true, I only had two real boyfriends, one of whom I married, but I'm sure it was hard to resist nevertheless).
However, once when I was home for vacation, both of my parents remarked on the requirements of a happy relationship. Maybe they'd had a conversation between themselves, which was why it was on their minds. Anyway, it was so unusual for them to make this kind of remark that both statements made a big impression on me:
● My mother said: “In a relationship, it’s important that a person is kind, because eventually, if he’s not kind to other people, he won’t be kind to you.”
● My father said: “In a relationship, it’s important that a person be able to have fun, because you’re not going to have a happy life with someone who can’t have fun.”
Have you received any great advice from your parents?
* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to a great Boston Globe article she wrote: Will He Hold Your Purse? "As a breast cancer doctor, I've learned how to spot a devoted husband—a skill I try to share with my single and searching girlfriends."
* It’s Word-of-mouth Wednesday, the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
● Link to a post on Twitter
● Pre-order the book for a friend
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.
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For years, I’ve done a lot of my writing at the wonderful New York Society Library (though lately I’ve been tethered to the Internet and my three monitors at home). Because the rule of silence in the study room there is so strictly enforced, for a long time I saw but never spoke to one of my fellow writers—but finally, I actually did meet Maggie Jackson.
She’s the author of Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age, which comes out in paperback today. It’s a fascinating examination of the consequences of all the technology we use—on learning, relationships, and our inner lives. Maggie Jackson emphasizes the importance of the ability to pay attention.
Because the issues she discusses have such clear consequences for happiness, I was curious to hear her answers to these questions.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Maggie: Being alone with my books and thoughts. Pursuing the trail of a thorny research question. Being with my family and friends: sharing a meal, swimming or walking at the ocean, exploring a new place. Many, many simple things make me content—tea time, museum-hopping, bicycling, reading in an old library, playing in the snow.
What do you know now about happiness that you didn’t when you were 18?
My dad was the king of simple pleasures. He was not a tormented soul. I, on the other hand, was a moody, impatient kid who tried to do too much and move too fast. I could see but not really appreciate my dad’s view of the world when I was young. But he must have left his mark on me, because I’ve come to realize that life isn’t all about the tallest peaks or fastest races, and it’s certainly not about our possessions, titles, or money. Life’s meaning unfolds in both the “big moments” and the detours and pauses and tiny moments of serendipity. Being in the present, along with being present for others, is crucial. I used to have one gear: high. But now I realize that happiness comes from complicated rhythms. And it comes and goes. It’s not a state of being that once reached, sticks.
Is there a link between attention and happiness?
Yes. Being able to focus is something that most people value instinctively. I can’t recall a great thinker or creator or leader—from Marie Curie to Picasso to Barack Obama—who doesn’t have enormous powers of concentration. As a young adult, I understood unthinkingly that attention is the key to getting things done. But until I began researching the fate of attention in our distracted society, I didn’t really realize the complexity or importance of this human faculty. Attention is a key to learning, memory, problem-solving, engagement, intimacy and creativity—all that we strive for today. Attention is now considered a tripartite capacity made up of focus, or the spotlight of the mind; alerting or wakefulness; and executive attention, or the ability to plan, envision, judge. Without attention—which derives from the Latin for ‘stretch toward’ – we cannot go deeply in thought and relations. As a result, attention is our most essential stepping stone to happiness. And controlling our powers of attention is crucial to steering our fate.
Is there anything that people often do or say that adds or detracts from their happiness?
Throughout history, humans have been programmed to take the easy way out, as a means of conserving energy and lowering risks. Take the short-cut to the fishing hole. Sow the plants that need less care. Set a trap rather than track an animal. Our ability to plan ahead and use technology allows us to survive, with less physical effort. But this instinct does us a disservice in a digital, cognitive age. Television, fast food, quick transport and even instant social connectivity give us a world built on the quick and the instant. The pendulum begins to swing too far in the direction of ease and passivity. The result is all too often anxiety, depression, poor health. The trick is not to forget our physicality, our limitations and the beauty of effort, both in the biological and cognitive realms. A life too easy or escapable quickly becomes meaningless.
Do you work at being happy?
No, I work on pursuing my dreams and battling my demons. Happiness follows.
* Lisa Takeuchi Cullen's Wasabi Mama is a "sinus-clearing rant on parenting, work, media, and entertainment" -- many of my favorite subjects, so I love a visit there.
* If you’re in a book group and think you might choose The Happiness Project as a reading selection, please let me know. I’ll send you a discussion guide, plus I plan to give away some free advance copies of the book, and I’ll choose addreses from these emails.
--Email me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com (don’t forget the “1”) with the message “book group"
--include your name and address if you’d like to be eligible for a free book
--if you’re willing, I’d love to know a little about your group: how many members, what you read, etc. No particular reason, I’m just curious about book groups!
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Years ago, my husband and I fixed up a very close friend with another friend. They fell in love; it was great. But within a few years, he got sick. She stood by him through it all. Then he died. It was awful. And it was very, very hard on our friend.
It was a sad situation for many reasons. As the years passed, one thing continued to bother me: I felt we had put a beloved friend in the path to sorrow. It had been inadvertent, and well-intentioned, but still, we had brought all this pain into our good friend’s life.
I mentioned this to my husband, and he said something that completely changed my thinking. He said, “Yes, it was very hard on her. But think how much better it was for him.”
This thought, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me. I realized how often I make this error. I was acting as though my friend were the main character of this story! That she was the one who really mattered. And I saw that I make this mistake all the time. I’m the most main character, of course, and then the people close to me, and so on … with some people just appearing as extras or in walk-on roles.
But that’s not true. Everyone is a main character. And everyone is a minor character. And as I started thinking about this, I realized that many of my favorite happiness passages concerned exactly this shift: someone re-interpreting a situation, by understanding how different circumstances would seem if someone else were placed in the starring role.
Each has haunted me, but only now do I see what theme links them together.
*
Reading Flannery O’Connor’s letters led me to the extraordinary book, A Memoir of Mary Ann, a memoir about a little girl, Mary Ann, who lived with a gruesome tumor on her face before dying of cancer, written by the nuns with whom she lived for several years in a free cancer-treatment home.
Near the end of Mary Ann’s life, a 5-month-old baby, Stephanie, was brought to the cancer home. Stephanie’s parents were crushed at the thought of leaving their baby there.
The nuns relate that for years, Mary Ann had longed for a baby to take care of. When Stephanie arrived, she said shyly to the baby’s mother, “I didn’t pray for a baby to be sick, but I prayed that if a baby was sick, it would come here.”
Later, the mother wrote the nuns, “I had accepted the hurt [my child’s affliction] brought me, but I had not accepted the fact that I had to give her up. My husband was suffering too and my attitude … was not helping much. Mary Ann’s words opened my understanding. Stephanie was needed … this child [Mary Ann] with the bandaged face and a heart full of love needed her. … God had given me a good husband, six beautiful children. This last child was probably the most special of them all, destined for something I knew nothing about.”
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In Viktor Frankl’s masterpiece, Man’s Search for Meaning, he relates a story from his psychiatric practice, when an elderly man, distraught with grief over the death of his wife two years earlier, came to him.
Frankl asked, “What would have happened … if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?”
The man answered, “Oh, for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!”
Frankl responded, “You see … such a suffering has been spared to her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering—to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.”
The man left the office, comforted. Frankl observed, “In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”
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Here’s an example from children’s literature. In Rick Riordan’s novel, The Sea of Monsters, the hero of the story, 13-year-old Percy Jackson (who happens to be the son of the sea god Poseidon and a mortal woman), has taken Tyson, a huge, awkward boy who seems to be learning-disabled, with a misshapen face, under his wing. They go to high school together, but Percy isn’t exactly sure why he’s bothering to protect Tyson and drag him along on his Olympian adventures.
He keeps Tyson with him, though, and at the end of the book, Percy learns that Tyson is also a son of Poseidon, and he’s a Cyclops, which is why his face looks wrong. (He has only one eye.)
Tyson says to Percy, “Poseidon did take care for me after all. …I prayed to Daddy for help. …He sent me a brother.”
Ah! Percy thought that Tyson was tagging along with him, but in fact, he was a supporting character in Tyson's adventure.
*
It’s a very unsettling and interesting exercise to think about the people in my life and to imagine myself in a minor, supporting role. How do I fit into their fates? Am I helping?
* I always find interesting things at LifeDev, "empowering creative people." Good stuff.
* I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city. Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.
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"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."—Leo Tolstoy
* I love checking out Lisa Belkin's Motherlode blog—"adventures in parenting." I always come away with a lot to think about.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 29,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.